Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s26e08 Episode Script

I heard you coming in at all hours.
I told you before - you don't have to wait up for me.
You've been drinking! A celebration.
You should try it.
Have you never thought of letting your curlers down? A celebration Men always find some excuse! It was Billy's birthday.
The way you were singing, it sounded like yours.
Have you never got a bit giddy yourself? I knocked on your wall.
Oh, as giddy as that? There's a touch of springtime in you, then? When you've finished that, you can come over here and make sure that these Serves you right for turning your back, girl! Did you see anything just flash past? HE CHUCKLES Gone again, has he? Ah well, he'll be back.
Is that supposed to be a comfort? I'm looking for somebody who remembers the Co-op.
Well, I remember it.
I was there on Wednesday! No, no, this is 1937.
It was a good year for unpleasant senior staff and I've forgotten his name! Try it now, Mr Entwistle! ENGINE STARTS You have a wonderful touch with the internal combustion engine, Miss Davenport.
Why, thank you, Mr Entwistle.
If ever you need a washing machine, I'll give you discount.
It seems such a pity to only meet on these oily occasions.
Have you ever thought of joining our little poetry group, Mr Entwistle? Can I bring truck? Well, yes, of course.
I'll think about it.
Does anybody remember Billy Pilsworth? He's dead.
No, he's not dead.
He was always like that - just practising.
Tall bloke with an umbrella? Always smelt of cough sweets? Small - with or without an umbrella.
Sounds like Alvin.
Eh-up, Alvin! Tha' must be related to Billy Pilsworth.
I'm related to Mr Universe, Captain Marvel, and Tarzan Of The Apes.
I think you must have been adopted.
Do you think we could find Billy Pilsworth? He might remember the name I'm looking for.
Can we find him? I was Truly of the Yard - I can find anybody! Tha's not as swift at finding tha' purse! You'd had enough - even if it was your birthday! I was still standing.
You were leaning on me! Might as well be lying down as leaning on thee! Well, I'm glad you're all being so helpful about Billy Pilsworth.
Oh, you're such a gentleman, Howard.
I love the way you spoil me.
The way you hold doors open for me.
Oh! It's something you do for a lady.
Any lady? Any special lady.
Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina! Oh, there's somebody coming! Was that Marina? Marina? I once knew a Doreen.
I thought you and she It's a lie! Do you think Alvin's gone home? Give us a minute.
I've got to get mind and body working together as one awesome machine.
Tha' gob's doing all the work as usual.
Who is that uncouth person? We thought he was with you.
His name was something like HandsworthWandsworth.
He was the regional manager.
I couldn't stand him.
Tha's not even sure Billy Pilsworth will remember.
We both worked for the Co-op.
He'll remember this idiot.
Speaking of idiots how are we doing, Alvin? Nearly there.
Well, get on with it! At this rate I'm never gonna find Billy Pilsworth.
I'm ready.
I'm ready! So do it.
What do you want? A brass band? I wonder who it was then that smelled of cough sweets? Oh, I never use them.
I don't think it's fair to Robin Hood.
I like to keep this slim, tiger-like image.
Fancy a little something for your chest, eh, Alvin? I think I jumped too soon.
No.
We liked it just as it was.
Mr Teasdale tells me he's never had a friend as long as your Barry.
My Barry's not that long.
I believe he meant length of time.
Usually he just starts to get to know people then he has to repossess their car.
Ours is paid for.
Yes, he did mention that, too.
I don't think he's ever had a friend whose car was paid for.
I don't think I've ever had a friend whose car was paid for.
You have this interesting life, Mr Teasdale.
I'm stuck in an office all day.
Call me Herman.
Oh! We should go out one evening for a meal.
The four of us.
You'd do that? Course we'd do that.
Oh! Give over! I get enough of that with Glenda.
Your wife hugs you? When? Seems like every opportunity.
Mine did once.
When she thought she heard burglars.
You wouldn't fancy coming round, say about midnight, and rattle a few windows? You want me to wear something casual? Like a mask! How caring can they be if they suddenly push you through a door? If they're following closely on your heels, I've always found it to be a positive sign.
He just slammed the door on me.
Has that ever happened to you? Mine always tend to sneak out quietly.
They promise forever and they're gone before morning.
At least you had the evening.
You must have had your evenings? Never in what you might call sheltered accommodation.
Oh, Mr Truelove! What a pleasure to see you pursuing your literary interests! Have you got a copy of the electoral register? Oh, as literary as that? We're looking for the address of a Pilsworth.
Oh, not Ronald Pilsworth? THE most gorgeous male person at JP Bridges Agricultural Engineers Limited? We're looking for a Billy Pilsworth.
Condition immaterial.
His father.
Dear old William to whom I was almost related by something very close to marriage.
How close? Whenever I called for Ronald, dear old William used to pat me affectionately and sit me beside him on the sofa.
Not necessarily in that order.
Close.
Sounds like tha' were doing better with Billy than Ronald.
You never think of romance reaching as far as an agricultural engineer, do you? It's true.
Very few of the great lovers of literature have a steady job.
Ronald was my first love.
If you discount one or two false steps whilst you're still on the learning curve.
You're wet! And you're dry.
You see how hopeless it is, this passion you've got for me? You're mental.
And you're dripping on my yard.
I'm dripping on OUR yard.
How does any sane person get wet on a fine morning? Typhoon Nora.
Struck without warning as I was passing through Alderson Street.
You've been fooling about again.
I was attempting to rescue this woman from drowning, but of course she couldn't keep her trap shut.
Went down like a stone.
Oh! I'm not taking messages to that Marina.
She could poke your eye out with them eyelashes.
You've got to know when to duck.
Shh, over here.
Can we all stand this way, facing the house and smiling as if we were just having a chat? In case she looks out.
It's like working for MI5.
Well, for some of us, you know, the Cold War's never stopped.
Go on then.
Where will she be? Who? This person you're going to ask us to take a message to.
I don't know why people should jump to conclusions like that.
She ought to keep her eyelashes under control.
Just cut to the chase and tell us where she's going to be.
Go on then! Tell them where she's going to be.
Hello, love.
I was just out here waiting for you.
Invited a few friends, have you? That's nice.
Best be off.
Can't stay here all day talking football.
Here! Who's got long eyelashes that plays football? Oh! Oh, oh! And it's not your full back we're talking about is it? It's more your full front.
Norman Clegg? You remember Norman Clegg.
You used to work with him.
At the Co-op.
Co-op? He used to sell lino.
Oh, that's your game, is it? Selling lino.
You can keep your lino! No, no.
We're looking for information.
Do you remember Billy Pilsworth? The name's familiar.
It should be.
It's yours! I knew I'd heard it somewhere.
You've got a son called Ronald.
So have I! He's in Australia.
Been there for years.
Speaks it like a native.
He doesn't want any lino either! What a personality.
I bet he's related to Nora Batty.
Why don't we go for a jar? I'm teed off with selling lino.
We'll go for a drink and break the news about Ronald to Marina.
Who's paying? Oh, Alvin! What happened to that daredevil, reckless, some say insane, spirit? I'm saving up to go really crackers.
Oh! Something else to look forward to.
You know, despite the difference in height, I always think of you two as a matching set.
Is that chair comfy? Perfectly, thank you.
I could be persuaded to part with it very reasonably.
Ooh, we're not buying.
I suspected that.
But you have to try.
We're only visiting.
This is a commercial establishment.
Who's got time for visiting? You should make time.
Relax more.
How can you relax when people are not buying? We knew you'd be difficult.
Working that out wasn't difficult.
The vicar asked us to keep an eye on you.
The vicar? Well, rather him poking his nose in than that tax inspector.
He likes to keep a watch on the welfare of his old people.
Old? It's time you faced it.
We're none of us as young as we used to be.
I was never as young as I used to be.
I was always too busy.
Are you eating properly? As many as a dozen customers a day.
BELL RINGS Oh Don't tell them you're not buying.
It's bad for the image.
Norman Clegg is asking if anyone can remember who worked at the Co-op in 1937.
There was Eric Johnson.
It wasn't Eric.
It was Edgar.
Edgar was a Jones.
Edgar Jones.
He used to have a pink bicycle when everybody else's was black.
And it took some selling, that pink bicycle.
I had to throw in a new pump.
Australia? Ronald went to Australia? To forget me? Broken-hearted, his father said.
Due entirely to a failed romance.
I wouldn't say failed.
He got marks for trying.
And he could have taken it again at any time.
Tell Marina I'll always be hers alone, he said.
Tell her not to get any wrong impressions just because I've got a wife and four kids.
That was just a cry for help.
From Australia? What was he using a megaphone? There's a happy ending, though.
They all left him.
For years he wandered the outback alone.
Learning the native customs - gambling and drinking.
Still thinking of you, he went off to wrestle crocodiles.
Well, I know where he did his training, but I never imagined he'd move up to crocodiles.
The trick with crocodiles is being fast.
Oh, he was fast.
Had much experience with crocodiles then, Alvin? They're only like a big Jack Russell.
If you can handle a nasty Jack Russell, you'd be home free with crocodiles.
I expect to somebody your size, Alvin, a Jack Russell must look like a crocodile.
Mainly from the front.
Poor Ronald.
Don't you hate it when your fiance goes off to wrestle crocodiles? Do you think he'll ever return? I wouldn't push it.
You never know how many bits might be missing.
I like it.
The instinct.
The speed of decision.
You spotted a bargain passing your house.
What bargain? What, this old washer? Being cagey now.
Looking to get price down.
Wow! Us Yorkshire folk! OK, I give you discount.
Since I've only wheeled it from there to here, you get minimum delivery charge.
I don't want your old washer.
That's because you're thinking "old washer".
Start thinking "big bargain".
Straight away it looks better.
Trust me.
I sell these things.
I was hoping you could give me a lift.
I'm late for an appointment.
OK.
Maybe she buys old washer.
Shh! Ronald writes home regularly.
Asks if you're married.
Only thing that's kept him going, his father says.
The thought that you've stayed true to him.
Well, if you don't count annual holidays I'm sure I've every right to his confidence.
These last few years especially.
What about Howard? Oh, very tactfully put, Alvin, but yeah - now we're on the subject - what about Howard? I hardly know the individual.
People jump to conclusions.
Oh, they do.
The only one who never jumps to any conclusion is Howard.
But suppose Ronald heard about Howard.
Go all moody round the billabong.
Is it fair, when all he's got to cuddle is a crocodile? Oh, don't.
Could put him right off his stroke.
Forgets which end the teeth are.
Have to start writing home with his elbow.
Stop! You think I should refrain from seeing Howard? For Ronald's sake.
For a while anyway.
Only decent.
I don't know how I'll live with it, if they both go off to wrestle crocodiles.
Barry - just the lad.
How did you do that? You must live on a shelf in the library.
You never heard me coming.
I'm like a panther, Barry.
And this panther has been thinking.
You remember you promised to pretend to be a burglar for me? I can't remember promising.
I thought you were joking.
About having a cuddle? It's no joking matter when you never get a cuddle.
It's all right for you.
You get cuddled every two hours.
Only at weekends.
I've been thinking why wait until dark? I'm at home this afternoon.
The wife's at home this afternoon.
So everything is in place for a cuddle.
Happy birthday, Mr Teasdale.
It's never going to happen, lad, unless I get her kick-started.
Unless she sees something terrifying.
Flies into my manly arms.
You see where I'm coming from, Barry? Of course.
Absolutely.
Well, actuallyno.
Pop this on.
What is it? It's a stocking mask.
She sees you wearing this, peering in through our windows.
I bet you look terrifying.
Go on.
There.
THEY SCREAM SCREAMS CONTINUE You see? You'll have to do it, Mr Teasdale.
I've been sussed.
How can I do it myself? Wellnip outside, pop the mask on, peep in the window, scare your wife then pop back in and comfort her.
It could happen.
It's all a matter of timing, you know.
Well, I think we managed to put the boot through Howard's love life.
For the time being.
Do him good.
Teach him respect for the mysterious ways of the ladies.
I'm nearly ready.
And we're nearly thoroughly excited to hear that.
Beware of the crocodiles.
Howard may have missed wrestling one or two.
I'm not going in the water like some pillock who'll remain nameless.
I'm going straight across in one bound.
The unbiased spectator should note that Billy has longer legs than me.
Alvin, everybody has longer legs than you! But they're perfectly formed.
Marvels of miniaturisation.
I'm pawing the ground with both feet.
It's a native ritual.
I learned it from the Hoogli tribe when I was up the Amazon.
Ooh.
Are these legs talented or what? Here we come! More leg than he can manage.
I thought the left one was going well.
Crosswind.
I was doing OK till I hit this crosswind.
There's no cure for it.
I don't know how they do it.
We've had no rain all week and still my neighbour comes home wet.
You should live with mine.
He's wet coming and going.
They're attracted to water.
They're attracted to more than that.
For which we should all be grateful.
I don't think my Barry's attracted to water.
He could be lying.
He's never expressed any interest in boats or fish.
They conceal things.
We'd been married for years before my Wally confessed that he didn't like two tomatoes.
Oh, that's picky.
Which two? More than one.
I always used to give him two with his fried breakfast.
I thought everybody liked two tomatoes with a fried breakfast.
So did I.
You think you're doing them a favour then they fling it in your face.
Why didn't he mention it earlier? Like on your honeymoon? Your first breakfast together.
I don't know.
It wasn't as if he had a lot of other things on his mind.
How did you take it when he did finally mention it? Not very well.
It wasn't our best period, marriage-wise.
I mean you're on your guard against other women, but when they start being unfaithful to your fried breakfast! I expect you filled him.
Maybe he just couldn't tackle two tomatoes.
You don't have to make excuses for them.
They'll invent their own.
I wish wives wouldn't think that they were the only ones that were deceived by their husbands.
Men cheat on their girlfriends as well, you know.
Yes, but they get all the spoiling.
All we get's the laundry.
It's as well to stay ready for trouble.
They'll rarely disappoint you.
My Barry never disappoints me.
Except once when he didn't like my new nightdress.
What's there to like about a nightdress? They're not all just an extension of a hot water bottle.
Some can be quite creative.
Come on.
Get yourself down there.
That's two today.
Where do they go to get wet? Well, wherever it is, they needn't bring it in on my floor! He needs something hot.
This leg's got hypothermia.
Put it away.
It doesn't belong in a catering establishment.
It doesn't belong in a pair of trousers.
Looks more at home on a stork.
Soon as it's better, tha'll find it's ideal for treading on small blokes.
Can we leave this leg in your tender care, madam? No, you can't.
Take him home! Home? I'm looking for a place of sympathy and comfort.
Last place is home.
To keep a pure flame alive, Howard, I mustn't be seen in the company of men.
We'll go where it's quieter.
No, Howard.
I'm going to build a reputation for being a lonely but faithful flower in this garden of weeds.
But can't we be faithful to him together? I mustn't be seen with a man.
Although you know I'll always care for you, Howard.
You can't just brush me aside.
Do you know who it was? Illingworth.
Who? The man from the Co-op.
The regional manager.
Thethe one I couldn't stand.
Illingworth.
Yes, Illingworth.
Sprained ankle.
I don't know why.
I landed on me head.
I was just peering in my own window.
Wearing a stocking mask? I was hoping to amuse the wife.
Very amusing, sir.
I was trying to organise a cuddle.
A cuddle? I can explain.
I think you'd better, sir.
Do you think a person of my age could learn to wrestle crocodiles? Start small, Howard.
Borrow somebody's ferret.
Thank you.
I won't forget this.
You've been very understanding.
We ought to be thanking you, sir.
For the idea.
My pleasure.
Good luck to us all! Let's hope it works.
How do we look? Like a real pair of crooks! Not two sailors? No, no! Only don't forget to take your uniform hats off, that's all.
I hope I haven't forgotten how to cuddle.
They say it's like riding a bicycle.
I'll drink to that! Managers were all the same in those days.
The one advantage was they made the wife seem friendlier.
Must have missed mine! I couldn't stand the man.
I often wondered what happened to him.
After all these years, you still can't stand him? Well, not any more.
Oh? Pulled a fast one, didn't he? Got himself killed.
In the war.
Winning the MC.
Cheeky devil! Captain Illingworth.
MC.
Oh, Ronald! If you're into crocodiles, please spare a thought for someone who wouldn't mind sharing your interest.
As long as it was in the form of a handbag and a nice pair of shoes.