Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s27e06 Episode Script
Who's That Merry Man With Billy Then
She said worms have beautiful singing voices.
Only most people couldn't hear 'em.
Did she say anything else, like "goodbye" when they took her away? She was very serious about being in tune with nature.
It sounds serious enough to me.
Did she have any excuse for being strange like coming from Padgate? I wish you lot would be quiet.
I can't hear the worms.
Get something on.
Try and stay calm.
Don't think of me as exciting.
Try and think of me as just another example of Nature's magnificence.
Think of me as a tree or a sunset.
Sunset?! It's your headset you ought to worry about.
Proper little helper.
Under proper management.
They don't look right in an apron.
He doesn't look all that right in trousers.
Oh, come on! You must have thought so at one time.
Well, he was thinner then.
He could look so pathetic.
I just wanted to feed him.
I know what you mean.
I always think that Travis was once a golden labrador.
Does Howard eat well? I wouldn't say well.
More like a lot.
I know you're talking about me.
You think all I'm fit for is wearing a pinny.
Well, let me remind you that I am man, the breadwinner, hunter and fisher.
Hunter? He needs telling where to find his clean socks.
You wonder why you marry them, but then what else is there? How can I sweep this yard when you're always cluttering it up? This isn't clutter.
This is style.
Relax.
Sit down.
Talk to me.
What can I talk about to men? Tell me your hopes and dreams.
I was hoping to sweep this yard.
Your secret hopes, your private dreams.
You see? Heads full of rubbish.
It's us women who have to know the price of a loaf of bread.
42p.
You've been overcharged.
Ah! Good morning, Mrs Batty.
It is for some.
You'll have to excuse her.
She caught a glimpse this morning of my naked elbows.
Not both of 'em? Both of them, and it's left her severely stressed.
In a pair of shorts, you don't amount to much more than an elbow.
Morning, Mrs Batty.
Ye gods! There's more.
By! She does remind me of home.
Hey if tha thought tha sense of adventure was dead, cast thee eyes over that.
I've got a recruit.
For what? For the Merry Men.
Billy, you've found another What was the word I was looking for? .
.
Idiot.
And people with no faith said you'd never find anybody as daft as you.
Well, the clever beggars were wrong then, weren't they? I'm looking for the Phantom of Sherwood Forest.
There's a new bread man, but he's nobody's idea of a phantom.
All right, I'll settle for Billy Hardcastle.
If you can't see him, he's not here.
I can't imagine why you should think I might be concealing him on the premises.
Right, we'll wait for him.
He'll be in a state of high excitement, which is not something I've ever achieved personally.
It's one of the advantages of always wearing braces.
Could that explain Nora Batty's attitude to excitement? I wonder if she wears braces? I'll tell her you were asking.
No, don't do that.
I don't want to be known as the bloke who discovered Nora Batty's braces.
Just sit yourselves down and behave.
What time is this Merry Man fella's bus due in? That's if he hasn't missed it.
I can't see Billy's raw material being all that efficient.
What's Billy going to do with this Merry Man when he gets him? He'll begin training him up to the same peak of lunacy as himself.
Wow! As far as that? What can I get you lot? Nothing, thank you.
We're just waiting.
Outside is for waiting.
Inside is for "what can I get you?" Three teas, Ivy, please.
DOOR OPENS Make that four.
Ye gods! The circus comes to town.
Don't YOU start.
I've just had all that from the missus.
CLEGG CHUCKLES They've got absolutely no feel for adventure.
Took YOU on, didn't she? It's the hat.
You don't like the hat.
We love the hat, Billy.
It makes you look Demented.
And that's just the feather.
It's modelled on Robin Hood's genuine hat, is this.
No wonder he crept into the greenwood.
I bet they all thought he was French or even a dress designer.
Aren't you overdoing it, Billy, just to meet a bus? I'm not just meeting a bus.
I'm meeting a man who, if he's any good, will probably become my chief lieutenant in the organisation.
Could we enquire what organisation? The Merry Men.
It's a combined club and sporting fraternity.
We'll go camping at weekends and practise our skills.
I told you.
Demented.
I'll say this for you, Billy, your new recruit should have no difficulty guessing which one of us is playing Robin Hood.
It's important to make a good first impression.
This man's going to trust himself to my experience of the great outdoors and the wild things in it.
How is your wife and her sister? Hey up! Not as wild as that.
Has he got a name, this bloke? Or are you using code names? Is he going to be Little John? Or even smaller.
He's a Mr DW Cheetham and he's very keen.
Ready to go.
Hot to trot.
Can't wait to get started.
.
.
Hey up! How do I look? For somebody he's going to go camping with? Well, let's just say he'll have to be keen.
DW Cheetham reporting for duty, Chief! I don't know whether it suits me.
On the other hand, some say it does.
What do you think, Barry? It suits you.
Are you sure? You don't even know which garment I'm talking about.
I don't care.
It suits you.
You've not even been listening.
I'm talking about that little black top I got to go with the new skirt.
Oh, look! There's Miss Davenport.
Barry? Barry? Oh, Barry! This is so reckless and dangerous.
Why did you come in here? A perm.
I've always wanted highlights and a perm.
How did you know? That I've always wanted highlights and a perm? You just know.
You knew I was coming in here.
Oh! You must be intensely psychic.
I wouldn't say intensely.
But you mustn't leave Glenda out there in the street.
Go back to her, Barry.
We can never be anything more than a wonderful "might have been".
Hey, wow! Is that the time already? What kept you? What are you doing in a ladies' hairdressers, Barry? I thought I might treat you to a new hairstyle.
Oh! You don't like my hair! I do.
I like your hair.
I love your hair.
If I was a mattress, I'd be proud to be stuffed with your hair.
Do you think we'll ever see Billy again? I doubt it.
Once she gets him in the greenwood, I think he's a goner.
She's a big, fine lass.
She's bigger than that.
One of us ought to keep an eye on him.
Can I ask you a serious question? And I want a serious answer.
I don't know whether we do serious answers.
I'll have to consult my colleagues here.
I think we can promise him our full attention.
I'm not getting involved.
There's nothing like that.
I want a straight answer.
Do you think I'm too old to learn to fly? I do like your hair.
I've always liked your hair.
You've got lovely hair.
It's so smooth and thick.
Just like my big mouth.
I'll be off, then.
What are you doing? I'm sitting on the stairs.
Why are you sitting on the stairs? Because I've just decided what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.
What ARE you going to do with the rest of your life? I'm going to sit on the stairs.
It's the only place you feel safe.
I think it would really suit me, casually switching to oxygen at 10,000 feet.
Howard, you're always at 10,000 feet.
You're a child of the stratosphere.
Big dreamer.
Big ideas.
Head in the clouds.
I know the type.
I was always arresting 'em for non-payment.
People learn to drive at my age.
I don't see why they can't learn to fly.
You can get into enough trouble on a bicycle.
You see? People always associate me with a bicycle.
I deserve something better than that.
On what grounds, could we ask? On the grounds of personality, sense of adventure, daring.
I'm essentially much more your jet jockey than a two-wheeler.
Maybe you're ready for a three-wheeler.
I've seen you fall out of a window, but, otherwise, have you ever flown? I was once on one of those fairground rides where they give you the same G forces as a fighter pilot.
And? I was sick.
But I don't want to be a fighter pilot.
I want to fly something not much faster than a bicycle.
I need help here before word gets back to the missus and her sister.
I can see it now, some big mouth saying, "Did you know "your Billy's going camping in the woods with Tarzan's daughter?" Relax.
Relax?! Have you shaken her hand? She's got a grip like the bite of a donkey.
A grip for the greenwood.
Should come in very handy.
There'll be no greenwood.
I want her long gone before I step into any greenwood.
What's the point anyway? She's crushed my best bow hand.
Relax.
I've got the message.
You're not ready for Maid Marion.
I'm not ready for this one.
All you have to do is let her fire a few arrows, then tell her she's failed the entrance exam.
"Sorry and all that.
Come back next year.
" That's good.
I like it.
I pull Barry's leg, bless him.
He thinks I mean it.
I can't resist making him blush.
It's funny.
The ones who blush are too nice ever to have much to blush about.
Oh, good heavens! I feel guilty already.
Relax, ladies.
We apologise for bringing the smell of blood and violence into your peaceful existence - that's how it is out there on the frontline.
That thin line where death is no stranger.
Has there been an accident? Nothing specific.
More the dark underbelly of human depravity.
Oh, don't! You get used to it.
The trick is not to let it dull your sensitivity to the beauty of life.
Oh, I do so agree.
One has to keep one's faith in the finer things.
He still finds time to smell the flowers.
I don't smell the flow STAMP! There are those who would misunderstand.
How true.
I think it's lovely.
Does he have a favourite flower? The daisy.
Give over! He's modest about it, but he loves daisies.
He's known as Daisy back at the station.
We like a man who likes his daisies.
Now, ladies, we're looking for this desperate character.
BOTH: Aren't we all?! But this one's armed and dangerous.
You see how it is? Your life on the line every day.
No wonder some of us break under the stress.
Of course, it helps if there's a place where you can drop in occasionally for tea and sympathy.
I'll put the kettle on.
How many sugars? Just milk for me, two for Daisy.
'These premises are protected by closed-circuit annihilation.
'The management accepts no responsibility for persons tripping over the remains of shoplifters.
' Oh, it's you lot.
Now, I trust you lot, though I would warn you not to move, since certain items are booby-trapped.
I'll be with you in a jiffy.
Don't move.
I believe every word she says.
I wish someone would explain what we're doing here anyway.
You don't really need to learn to fly.
All you need to do is start the rumour that you're learning to fly.
Then goodbye, Mr Bicycle - hello, Fearless Flyboy! Oh! I could live with that.
How do we start the rumour? We'll see if Auntie has the answer.
Auntie always has the answer.
The only problem is, you can't afford it.
Ah! That was last week.
This week there's a sale on.
Now, what are we looking for? Something for Howard, to give the impression that he's learning to fly.
And we don't want a Boeing 747! Just as well.
I sold the last one this morning.
She's in the yard.
You saw that.
She knew we were watching.
Uncanny.
She has thesegifts.
Gifts? Powers.
Mysterious powers.
We use her a lot.
For what? Guidance.
Healing.
Herbs, potions.
Are you saying she's a witch? Close.
What are you staring for? What do you want? Thy judgement, Old Wise Woman.
What's he on about? He wanted you to be among the first to meet his new woman.
He hopes you'll approve.
He's moving no trollop in next door to me.
Take her back! Get rid of her! Have you ever been up there? Yeah, I've been up there.
You have? Yeah.
More than once.
You old sly boots! I never figured you for collecting the old Air Miles.
All I collected was sore knees.
It gives you sore knees? I never knew that.
And it gave me the willies.
You didn't enjoy it? I've got no head for heights.
How do you think I feel? But you were all right inside, weren't you? I wasn't inside - I was outside, clinging on.
I've heard of economy, but that's overdoing it.
And the slates were loose.
They certainly were if you were outside clinging on.
I hate working on roofs.
I'm talking about flying.
Have you ever been up in an aeroplane? They wouldn't let me fly Spitfires.
I was too tall.
They didn't have one to fit.
I think you might be exaggerating there.
Maybe just a bit.
I did have a moped.
What's going on? She's finding him a helmet.
He ought to leave while he's ahead.
The next thing you know, she'll be finding him an engine and a pair of wings.
I was thinking of something a bit more space-age.
This is what the pioneers used to wear.
The early heroes.
Oh, well then! Yeah, that sounds more like me.
Try it on, Fearless Flyboy.
Let's have a look at you.
Howard! You look just like Howard in a funny hat.
He's joking.
You look Goodness, is it that time already? My Barry is just sitting on the stairs.
Is that a problem? It is when you're vacuuming.
Do you go round them or move them? I move them.
You have to get underneath.
I move them, but then you hear of these unnatural marriages where the husband's in charge.
There are poor souls out there who wouldn't dare move a husband.
Oh, I couldn't be doing with that.
Fancy having a man around the house if you can't put it where you want it.
I sometimes do.
Do what? Fancy having a man around the house.
Travis has very limited skills on the Black & Decker.
At least he doesn't wander off like they do these days.
A husband is for life - not just for Christmas.
They don't make it much past Boxing Day.
What could it be, do you think, that makes a man sit on the stairs? Has he got a hole in his trousers? Some of them are very shy about what's underneath.
And some of them have good reason to be.
My Barry is always reliable about the trousers.
I can just hear your mother saying, "Drink your coffee.
" It just seems so peculiar, him sitting on the stairs.
They can be more peculiar than that.
She's right, love.
They have a gene for daft.
Oh, heck.
I'd forgotten you lot were here.
The prosecution rests.
You can't put me back on the bus just because of some old witch.
Not just any old witch - she's OUR witch.
Robin Hood never went anywhere without his old witch.
They were essential for planning purposes.
I mean, we'd love to keep you, but we daren't cross the old girl.
She gets nasty, she can give you warts.
She can wilt your blossoms.
I'm disappointed.
I've been looking for ages for some exciting challenge I can hitch my wagon to.
You want lift? We want a psychic second opinion.
Is this young lady suitable for joining the Merry Men? Have you got a wizard as well? How come he knows so much? Ancient civilisation.
My ancestors built first temple in Bridlington.
Now bingo hall.
How can HE tell whether I'm suitable or not? You come.
We do ceremony.
It's what the pioneers used to wear.
It works for you, Howard.
You look daft enough to be brave enough for anything.
Do you think he means that? Oh, I think he means that.
Billy needs help.
There's a mutiny among the Merry Men.
She won't go home.
I think he's going to have to marry her.
This is no time for jokes.
Who's joking? Relax, Billy.
Where is the woman? She's up the road arguing with Entwistle.
She won't believe he's magical and comes from Hull.
You can see the woman's point.
Wind not favourable.
Spirits angry.
Wrong day for big decisions.
Give over! All signs wrong.
You don't want this woman.
We told YOU that! This is stubborn woman.
You take her, she'll end up Rosy Hood, you be Maid Marion.
Get rid of her.
Not easy.
Your wife keeps threatening to leave.
You must know a trick or two.
Wife lies.
I'm best thing ever happened to her.
Wives are immovable.
Trust me.
Just get rid of the Bride of Dracula.
This man no good for you.
Not compatible.
He will be when I've finished with him.
Too weak for you.
Skinny.
No muscle.
Weaker than that.
Has to stay indoors when it rains.
I've seen dead people with a better future.
(That's overdoing it.
) And he has no control over his legs.
They take him anywhere.
You need strong man, fearless, heart full of adventure.
You need Flyboy.
"DAMBUSTERS" THEME PLAYS That's more like it! Does he have his own plane? If you follow him, he'll lead you straight to where the action is.
Barry! I'm sorry, Barry, but I have tell you.
I've found someone else.
Every good wish, Miss Davenport.
Thank you, Barry.
CRASH! Oh, Marina! Oh, Howard! Are you always going to bring a friend? Here you are.
Ta.
Hey, do you think Howard will be all right? With a bodyguard like that? He's never been safer.
She's got a grip, I'll tell you that.
I still haven't got the use back in this bow finger.
You're handling that pint with your usual skill.
I'm running on instinct.
Billy on automatic pilot.
Pint flies itself.
Speaking of pilots, I think our intrepid aviator has got himself a couple of fighters on his tail! Well, he wanted more excitement.
I bet he wishes he was safely back in his apron.
I always think he looked well in his apron.
He should wear parachute with apron.
Cover all angles.
He has angles you'd like to see covered in a parachute.
Ah, it's nice to see him firmly back under Air Traffic Control.
Only most people couldn't hear 'em.
Did she say anything else, like "goodbye" when they took her away? She was very serious about being in tune with nature.
It sounds serious enough to me.
Did she have any excuse for being strange like coming from Padgate? I wish you lot would be quiet.
I can't hear the worms.
Get something on.
Try and stay calm.
Don't think of me as exciting.
Try and think of me as just another example of Nature's magnificence.
Think of me as a tree or a sunset.
Sunset?! It's your headset you ought to worry about.
Proper little helper.
Under proper management.
They don't look right in an apron.
He doesn't look all that right in trousers.
Oh, come on! You must have thought so at one time.
Well, he was thinner then.
He could look so pathetic.
I just wanted to feed him.
I know what you mean.
I always think that Travis was once a golden labrador.
Does Howard eat well? I wouldn't say well.
More like a lot.
I know you're talking about me.
You think all I'm fit for is wearing a pinny.
Well, let me remind you that I am man, the breadwinner, hunter and fisher.
Hunter? He needs telling where to find his clean socks.
You wonder why you marry them, but then what else is there? How can I sweep this yard when you're always cluttering it up? This isn't clutter.
This is style.
Relax.
Sit down.
Talk to me.
What can I talk about to men? Tell me your hopes and dreams.
I was hoping to sweep this yard.
Your secret hopes, your private dreams.
You see? Heads full of rubbish.
It's us women who have to know the price of a loaf of bread.
42p.
You've been overcharged.
Ah! Good morning, Mrs Batty.
It is for some.
You'll have to excuse her.
She caught a glimpse this morning of my naked elbows.
Not both of 'em? Both of them, and it's left her severely stressed.
In a pair of shorts, you don't amount to much more than an elbow.
Morning, Mrs Batty.
Ye gods! There's more.
By! She does remind me of home.
Hey if tha thought tha sense of adventure was dead, cast thee eyes over that.
I've got a recruit.
For what? For the Merry Men.
Billy, you've found another What was the word I was looking for? .
.
Idiot.
And people with no faith said you'd never find anybody as daft as you.
Well, the clever beggars were wrong then, weren't they? I'm looking for the Phantom of Sherwood Forest.
There's a new bread man, but he's nobody's idea of a phantom.
All right, I'll settle for Billy Hardcastle.
If you can't see him, he's not here.
I can't imagine why you should think I might be concealing him on the premises.
Right, we'll wait for him.
He'll be in a state of high excitement, which is not something I've ever achieved personally.
It's one of the advantages of always wearing braces.
Could that explain Nora Batty's attitude to excitement? I wonder if she wears braces? I'll tell her you were asking.
No, don't do that.
I don't want to be known as the bloke who discovered Nora Batty's braces.
Just sit yourselves down and behave.
What time is this Merry Man fella's bus due in? That's if he hasn't missed it.
I can't see Billy's raw material being all that efficient.
What's Billy going to do with this Merry Man when he gets him? He'll begin training him up to the same peak of lunacy as himself.
Wow! As far as that? What can I get you lot? Nothing, thank you.
We're just waiting.
Outside is for waiting.
Inside is for "what can I get you?" Three teas, Ivy, please.
DOOR OPENS Make that four.
Ye gods! The circus comes to town.
Don't YOU start.
I've just had all that from the missus.
CLEGG CHUCKLES They've got absolutely no feel for adventure.
Took YOU on, didn't she? It's the hat.
You don't like the hat.
We love the hat, Billy.
It makes you look Demented.
And that's just the feather.
It's modelled on Robin Hood's genuine hat, is this.
No wonder he crept into the greenwood.
I bet they all thought he was French or even a dress designer.
Aren't you overdoing it, Billy, just to meet a bus? I'm not just meeting a bus.
I'm meeting a man who, if he's any good, will probably become my chief lieutenant in the organisation.
Could we enquire what organisation? The Merry Men.
It's a combined club and sporting fraternity.
We'll go camping at weekends and practise our skills.
I told you.
Demented.
I'll say this for you, Billy, your new recruit should have no difficulty guessing which one of us is playing Robin Hood.
It's important to make a good first impression.
This man's going to trust himself to my experience of the great outdoors and the wild things in it.
How is your wife and her sister? Hey up! Not as wild as that.
Has he got a name, this bloke? Or are you using code names? Is he going to be Little John? Or even smaller.
He's a Mr DW Cheetham and he's very keen.
Ready to go.
Hot to trot.
Can't wait to get started.
.
.
Hey up! How do I look? For somebody he's going to go camping with? Well, let's just say he'll have to be keen.
DW Cheetham reporting for duty, Chief! I don't know whether it suits me.
On the other hand, some say it does.
What do you think, Barry? It suits you.
Are you sure? You don't even know which garment I'm talking about.
I don't care.
It suits you.
You've not even been listening.
I'm talking about that little black top I got to go with the new skirt.
Oh, look! There's Miss Davenport.
Barry? Barry? Oh, Barry! This is so reckless and dangerous.
Why did you come in here? A perm.
I've always wanted highlights and a perm.
How did you know? That I've always wanted highlights and a perm? You just know.
You knew I was coming in here.
Oh! You must be intensely psychic.
I wouldn't say intensely.
But you mustn't leave Glenda out there in the street.
Go back to her, Barry.
We can never be anything more than a wonderful "might have been".
Hey, wow! Is that the time already? What kept you? What are you doing in a ladies' hairdressers, Barry? I thought I might treat you to a new hairstyle.
Oh! You don't like my hair! I do.
I like your hair.
I love your hair.
If I was a mattress, I'd be proud to be stuffed with your hair.
Do you think we'll ever see Billy again? I doubt it.
Once she gets him in the greenwood, I think he's a goner.
She's a big, fine lass.
She's bigger than that.
One of us ought to keep an eye on him.
Can I ask you a serious question? And I want a serious answer.
I don't know whether we do serious answers.
I'll have to consult my colleagues here.
I think we can promise him our full attention.
I'm not getting involved.
There's nothing like that.
I want a straight answer.
Do you think I'm too old to learn to fly? I do like your hair.
I've always liked your hair.
You've got lovely hair.
It's so smooth and thick.
Just like my big mouth.
I'll be off, then.
What are you doing? I'm sitting on the stairs.
Why are you sitting on the stairs? Because I've just decided what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.
What ARE you going to do with the rest of your life? I'm going to sit on the stairs.
It's the only place you feel safe.
I think it would really suit me, casually switching to oxygen at 10,000 feet.
Howard, you're always at 10,000 feet.
You're a child of the stratosphere.
Big dreamer.
Big ideas.
Head in the clouds.
I know the type.
I was always arresting 'em for non-payment.
People learn to drive at my age.
I don't see why they can't learn to fly.
You can get into enough trouble on a bicycle.
You see? People always associate me with a bicycle.
I deserve something better than that.
On what grounds, could we ask? On the grounds of personality, sense of adventure, daring.
I'm essentially much more your jet jockey than a two-wheeler.
Maybe you're ready for a three-wheeler.
I've seen you fall out of a window, but, otherwise, have you ever flown? I was once on one of those fairground rides where they give you the same G forces as a fighter pilot.
And? I was sick.
But I don't want to be a fighter pilot.
I want to fly something not much faster than a bicycle.
I need help here before word gets back to the missus and her sister.
I can see it now, some big mouth saying, "Did you know "your Billy's going camping in the woods with Tarzan's daughter?" Relax.
Relax?! Have you shaken her hand? She's got a grip like the bite of a donkey.
A grip for the greenwood.
Should come in very handy.
There'll be no greenwood.
I want her long gone before I step into any greenwood.
What's the point anyway? She's crushed my best bow hand.
Relax.
I've got the message.
You're not ready for Maid Marion.
I'm not ready for this one.
All you have to do is let her fire a few arrows, then tell her she's failed the entrance exam.
"Sorry and all that.
Come back next year.
" That's good.
I like it.
I pull Barry's leg, bless him.
He thinks I mean it.
I can't resist making him blush.
It's funny.
The ones who blush are too nice ever to have much to blush about.
Oh, good heavens! I feel guilty already.
Relax, ladies.
We apologise for bringing the smell of blood and violence into your peaceful existence - that's how it is out there on the frontline.
That thin line where death is no stranger.
Has there been an accident? Nothing specific.
More the dark underbelly of human depravity.
Oh, don't! You get used to it.
The trick is not to let it dull your sensitivity to the beauty of life.
Oh, I do so agree.
One has to keep one's faith in the finer things.
He still finds time to smell the flowers.
I don't smell the flow STAMP! There are those who would misunderstand.
How true.
I think it's lovely.
Does he have a favourite flower? The daisy.
Give over! He's modest about it, but he loves daisies.
He's known as Daisy back at the station.
We like a man who likes his daisies.
Now, ladies, we're looking for this desperate character.
BOTH: Aren't we all?! But this one's armed and dangerous.
You see how it is? Your life on the line every day.
No wonder some of us break under the stress.
Of course, it helps if there's a place where you can drop in occasionally for tea and sympathy.
I'll put the kettle on.
How many sugars? Just milk for me, two for Daisy.
'These premises are protected by closed-circuit annihilation.
'The management accepts no responsibility for persons tripping over the remains of shoplifters.
' Oh, it's you lot.
Now, I trust you lot, though I would warn you not to move, since certain items are booby-trapped.
I'll be with you in a jiffy.
Don't move.
I believe every word she says.
I wish someone would explain what we're doing here anyway.
You don't really need to learn to fly.
All you need to do is start the rumour that you're learning to fly.
Then goodbye, Mr Bicycle - hello, Fearless Flyboy! Oh! I could live with that.
How do we start the rumour? We'll see if Auntie has the answer.
Auntie always has the answer.
The only problem is, you can't afford it.
Ah! That was last week.
This week there's a sale on.
Now, what are we looking for? Something for Howard, to give the impression that he's learning to fly.
And we don't want a Boeing 747! Just as well.
I sold the last one this morning.
She's in the yard.
You saw that.
She knew we were watching.
Uncanny.
She has thesegifts.
Gifts? Powers.
Mysterious powers.
We use her a lot.
For what? Guidance.
Healing.
Herbs, potions.
Are you saying she's a witch? Close.
What are you staring for? What do you want? Thy judgement, Old Wise Woman.
What's he on about? He wanted you to be among the first to meet his new woman.
He hopes you'll approve.
He's moving no trollop in next door to me.
Take her back! Get rid of her! Have you ever been up there? Yeah, I've been up there.
You have? Yeah.
More than once.
You old sly boots! I never figured you for collecting the old Air Miles.
All I collected was sore knees.
It gives you sore knees? I never knew that.
And it gave me the willies.
You didn't enjoy it? I've got no head for heights.
How do you think I feel? But you were all right inside, weren't you? I wasn't inside - I was outside, clinging on.
I've heard of economy, but that's overdoing it.
And the slates were loose.
They certainly were if you were outside clinging on.
I hate working on roofs.
I'm talking about flying.
Have you ever been up in an aeroplane? They wouldn't let me fly Spitfires.
I was too tall.
They didn't have one to fit.
I think you might be exaggerating there.
Maybe just a bit.
I did have a moped.
What's going on? She's finding him a helmet.
He ought to leave while he's ahead.
The next thing you know, she'll be finding him an engine and a pair of wings.
I was thinking of something a bit more space-age.
This is what the pioneers used to wear.
The early heroes.
Oh, well then! Yeah, that sounds more like me.
Try it on, Fearless Flyboy.
Let's have a look at you.
Howard! You look just like Howard in a funny hat.
He's joking.
You look Goodness, is it that time already? My Barry is just sitting on the stairs.
Is that a problem? It is when you're vacuuming.
Do you go round them or move them? I move them.
You have to get underneath.
I move them, but then you hear of these unnatural marriages where the husband's in charge.
There are poor souls out there who wouldn't dare move a husband.
Oh, I couldn't be doing with that.
Fancy having a man around the house if you can't put it where you want it.
I sometimes do.
Do what? Fancy having a man around the house.
Travis has very limited skills on the Black & Decker.
At least he doesn't wander off like they do these days.
A husband is for life - not just for Christmas.
They don't make it much past Boxing Day.
What could it be, do you think, that makes a man sit on the stairs? Has he got a hole in his trousers? Some of them are very shy about what's underneath.
And some of them have good reason to be.
My Barry is always reliable about the trousers.
I can just hear your mother saying, "Drink your coffee.
" It just seems so peculiar, him sitting on the stairs.
They can be more peculiar than that.
She's right, love.
They have a gene for daft.
Oh, heck.
I'd forgotten you lot were here.
The prosecution rests.
You can't put me back on the bus just because of some old witch.
Not just any old witch - she's OUR witch.
Robin Hood never went anywhere without his old witch.
They were essential for planning purposes.
I mean, we'd love to keep you, but we daren't cross the old girl.
She gets nasty, she can give you warts.
She can wilt your blossoms.
I'm disappointed.
I've been looking for ages for some exciting challenge I can hitch my wagon to.
You want lift? We want a psychic second opinion.
Is this young lady suitable for joining the Merry Men? Have you got a wizard as well? How come he knows so much? Ancient civilisation.
My ancestors built first temple in Bridlington.
Now bingo hall.
How can HE tell whether I'm suitable or not? You come.
We do ceremony.
It's what the pioneers used to wear.
It works for you, Howard.
You look daft enough to be brave enough for anything.
Do you think he means that? Oh, I think he means that.
Billy needs help.
There's a mutiny among the Merry Men.
She won't go home.
I think he's going to have to marry her.
This is no time for jokes.
Who's joking? Relax, Billy.
Where is the woman? She's up the road arguing with Entwistle.
She won't believe he's magical and comes from Hull.
You can see the woman's point.
Wind not favourable.
Spirits angry.
Wrong day for big decisions.
Give over! All signs wrong.
You don't want this woman.
We told YOU that! This is stubborn woman.
You take her, she'll end up Rosy Hood, you be Maid Marion.
Get rid of her.
Not easy.
Your wife keeps threatening to leave.
You must know a trick or two.
Wife lies.
I'm best thing ever happened to her.
Wives are immovable.
Trust me.
Just get rid of the Bride of Dracula.
This man no good for you.
Not compatible.
He will be when I've finished with him.
Too weak for you.
Skinny.
No muscle.
Weaker than that.
Has to stay indoors when it rains.
I've seen dead people with a better future.
(That's overdoing it.
) And he has no control over his legs.
They take him anywhere.
You need strong man, fearless, heart full of adventure.
You need Flyboy.
"DAMBUSTERS" THEME PLAYS That's more like it! Does he have his own plane? If you follow him, he'll lead you straight to where the action is.
Barry! I'm sorry, Barry, but I have tell you.
I've found someone else.
Every good wish, Miss Davenport.
Thank you, Barry.
CRASH! Oh, Marina! Oh, Howard! Are you always going to bring a friend? Here you are.
Ta.
Hey, do you think Howard will be all right? With a bodyguard like that? He's never been safer.
She's got a grip, I'll tell you that.
I still haven't got the use back in this bow finger.
You're handling that pint with your usual skill.
I'm running on instinct.
Billy on automatic pilot.
Pint flies itself.
Speaking of pilots, I think our intrepid aviator has got himself a couple of fighters on his tail! Well, he wanted more excitement.
I bet he wishes he was safely back in his apron.
I always think he looked well in his apron.
He should wear parachute with apron.
Cover all angles.
He has angles you'd like to see covered in a parachute.
Ah, it's nice to see him firmly back under Air Traffic Control.