Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s28e03 Episode Script

What are you gaping at? You're a vision of loveliness this morning.
But you needn't bother for me.
I will not be seduced by female wiles.
You'll get some female wallop in a minute.
I've been expecting it.
Next thing is you'll be inviting me to a weekend at some party people's paradise.
You've got all the "weak end" you need and it's between your ears.
Just because I brighten your life, I don't want you getting carried away.
You've got more rattle than a brewer's dray.
Here! Aren't you Iris Webley's lad? Whatever would your mother say? She said you were a good lad.
Give our regards to Iris.
It's nice when they've been raised right.
It's practically a miracle these days.
That was very impressive.
But this isn't my car, mine's over there.
Looks as if romance is running out of steam.
I wonder if Casanova had a bicycle.
He must have had a motorbike.
So .
.
where does it hurt, Howard? The seat of your trousers It gets hotter.
It's called global warming.
You've probably got a hole in your ozone layer.
I've always suspected it.
He sets off in good spirits.
I think his legs are beginning to lag behind his aspirations.
It's the hills.
Your knees go wobbly.
I thought it was Marina did that to you.
(Will you keep your voice down?) That's how rumours get started.
Why do you keep testing yourself to the limits of human endurance? Why don't you get something more restful than Marina? Something more suitable for beginners.
I will not listen to any criticism of the ladywho had to wheel me the last 200 yards.
Aw, I think that's nice, Howard.
Not only romance but also your own transport.
I think that's what I need.
My own transport.
I used to fling myself quite recklessly at any obstacle, no matter how rough.
You're still doing it.
How is Marina? I think I'm at a crossroads in my life.
I think I've outgrown the bicycle.
Not by much.
It's only me.
Show yourself.
You could be some complete stranger saying, "It's only me.
" A complete stranger with his own key? What are you doing home at this hour? You see how much a creature of routine that means I am? We both are.
What's happening, Glenda? Well, not a lot.
You're just standing there holding your briefcase.
I'm on my way to see a client.
I thought I'd pop in and you'd smile and you'd say something that didn't sound like, "What are you doing here at this hour?" I would have liked more of a welcome.
I'm glad you called in.
I mean it.
I really am.
That's better.
I forgot to ask you this morning.
On the way home, will you drop by the bakery and pick me up a crusty cob? You see where we are? I pop in to surprise you and all you can see is a crusty cob.
Goodbye, Glenda.
Of course there could be a special welcome waiting for anybody with a crusty cob.
Shall I bring two? One will do.
Went to Turkey for two weeks.
Brought him back in a coffin.
That's a bit extreme.
You're entitled not to like a place, but that's overdoing it.
I never liked him.
I mean, I never wished him dead, but he was a troublemaker.
He can't have been much trouble on the plane coming home.
He once complained about my bacon.
Said it was underdone.
Cafe full of customers listening to him moan.
But you didn't really wish him any harm.
Only for a week or two.
Oh, it cut me to the bone! I've always leaned naturally towards crispy bacon.
He'd have done better sticking with your bacon than going abroad for kebabs.
Ooh, you don't know what might be in a kebab.
I always thought it was two sailors.
I used to think a kebab was one of those boats you'd see sailing down the Nile.
Until we moved away, of course, among people who knew about these things.
They knew it all, did they? And if they didn't they'd bluff.
Were they a bit snooty? I blame Sainsbury's for a lot of it.
There are places where snooty is a way of life.
It used to be a way of death round here.
They couldn't wait to die to see who had the best funeral.
Oh, well, I think it's permissible for funerals.
I can't do with snooty.
I get them in here - examining their forks for signs of previous owners.
Where we were they could hear an aitch drop 50 yards away.
I've a cousin full of swank.
Entirely self taught.
Fancy dying on your holiday.
They can't be as good for you as people pretend.
I wonder what it cost to bring him back.
Be cheaper to send out the rest of his stuff.
Fancy going to heaven when you can't speak the language.
He'd have found something to complain about in any language.
I expect it'll be an open coffin.
Well, they'll want to show off his tan.
Huh! Don't tell me Howard fancies a little runabout.
He's got one.
He says they share a mutual interest in nature and conservation.
This one looks as if it's done less mileage.
The 'for sale' sign looks in quite good condition.
Which is more than you could say for Howard when we saw him this morning.
I wonder if he's weighing up all the technical details - such as, will there be room for Marina in the back? It's very reasonable.
The lady's desperate to get rid of it.
It reminds her too much of her late husband.
Oh, really? Had a pair of wipers and twin fog lamps, did he? How much did he do to the gallon? You know what she means.
In the interests of road safety, shouldn't you be sparing a thought for what Pearl might say? I don't have to consult Pearl over every decision.
Spoken like a man who almost believes it.
Not if she doesn't know about it.
I'd like to keep this one under wraps for a while.
You're going to keep it from Pearl? Ho ho, I'd fasten your seatbelt, Howard.
I know it's risky, but I'm very tempted.
We noticed you being tempted.
That's a lady friend AND a car you'll have to conceal at Clegg's.
DOOR OPENS Me again.
Ah! What's wrong? There's no crusty cobs.
Oh, of course, that explains it.
How could life look anything but bleak when there's no crusty cobs? Are you not feeling well? You're not running a temperature? It's nothing physical.
It'smental.
You're not going like your Uncle Ted? No, I'm not going like Uncle Ted.
Besides he's better.
As long as he keeps away from Blackpool.
It's not that kind of thing.
My problem isspiritual.
Spirits? The departed? You've started seeing my mother.
No, I haven't.
It's not that bad.
What's so bad about seeing my mother? She scared me enough when she was alive.
Are you sure you're happy with the price? Take it.
Just take it out of my sight.
It seems very generous at the price.
Take it.
Go.
I want rid.
I hope you won't regret it.
It reminds me too much of Him That Was.
He loved that car.
I want to see the back of it.
Just go.
Well, don't just sit there.
Go.
She wants to see the back of it.
I feel guilty.
That's because, on average, you've a lot to feel guilty about.
Guilt suits you.
It's the Howard we all know and love.
There'll be a catch in it somehow at that price.
Start her up and let's find out.
I can't help feeling that Him That Was is up there right now - looking down and wondering, "What's that chirp doing behind the wheel of my car?" There's not only Him That Was, but there's people in here wondering what that chirp's doing behind the wheel.
Get a move on! Don't worry about Him That Was.
Worry about Her That Is when she finds out you've got a motor vehicle for shady purposes.
I wouldn't say "shady purposes".
I wouldn't say anything.
Not to Pearl.
Your secret's safe with us, Howard.
We understand the need for discretion.
So do I.
She'd kill me.
ENGINE STARTS THUMP! So where do you think you went wrong in life? What makes you think I went wrong? I like that.
That shows spirit.
That shows you've got a strong and positive sense of your own identity, even if it doesn't bear any relationship to the facts.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I remember me dad saying I'd never amount to anything.
You showed him what for, then, didn't you? I remember your father.
He still owes me three shillings and twopence halfpenny for an artificial leg he was buying on tick.
He had both legs.
Why did he need a wooden leg? He didn't.
He came in for a standard lamp but I was able to make him see how attractively a wooden leg would convert into a standard lamp.
I'm sorrybut he abandoned his family.
I can't be held responsible for his debts.
Your father abandoned your mother? She always said it wasn't really her he left, it was me.
Awww! Aw! So you've no chance of getting his money from me.
And not a lot of getting it from him either, now he's dead.
I know he's dead.
I went to his funeral, but I might as well not have bothered.
Nobody seemed interested in my three shillings and twopence halfpenny.
This is better than climbing hills on your bicycle.
I'm getting too old for pedalling.
You're getting too old for canoodling.
I don't canoodle! When have I ever canoodled? He comes home covered in bits of grass and lipstick, denying he's been canoodling.
That's a wicked lie! She kissed me once in gratitude when I saved her from a nasty bite from a creepy-crawly.
And you threw yourself on it recklessly.
Hey-hey! No wonder she was impressed.
He looks impressed.
What does he want? Hey, you! First impressions are - it's not something we ought to stop and enquire about.
MAN YELLS INDISTINCTLY Maybe he wants to tell us something.
Probably, and I don't think it's "Hello, sweetie".
This one looks like a jealous boyfriend.
You can always tell by the colour.
They're inclined to be exceptionally nasty.
Maybe he's sworn to get you for stealing his woman.
Pearl? Not Pearl, you chirp.
Marina.
How can he possibly object to our conservation activities? You don't really think she's got a boyfriend? I would call that being very close to not quite faithful.
Poor Howard.
Just when he's outgrown the bicycle.
All right, all right, calm down.
Yes, Travis, yes You can't find it? It's where it always is.
Travis, face the window.
That means not with your back to it.
Are you facing the window? Good.
Now look to your right.
Do you see the sideboard? Yes, that's it, that's the one.
That's the sideboard.
Say hello to the sideboard.
Now, the left-hand drawer There's a cupboard below It's in there.
Well, it's always been in there.
SHE SIGHS They broke his nerve when we lived away.
They BMW'd him until he was a nervous wreck.
They're all the same at finding things.
My Wally never knew where his socks were.
He was only as big as me.
He didn't have far to look.
It's a man thing.
I think it's genital.
Don't you mean genetic? She does.
But I think she's probably onto something, anyway.
I used to worry about my Wally when he was in the army.
Whether he'd remember where he'd left his rifle.
I can't imagine your Wally with a rifle.
Well, they gave him one.
But I don't think they allowed him to load it.
They gave Travis a tank.
Well, when I say "gave", I think he had to return it.
I can even less imagine your Travis in a tank.
Was he fast enough? I know what you mean.
I look at him sometimes Bad move.
They're better in the corner of your eye.
.
.
in old pyjamas buttoned up to the neck.
And you wonder how anyone as quiet as he is could have two bullet wounds and a medal.
It's what I've always said.
You never know what they're getting up to when you're not there to keep your eye on them.
Howard missed the war.
He was in a reserved occupation.
But I like to think I've given him almost the same experience.
I hope dropping you off here is convenient? Convenient for you, I bet.
Where are you off to? I've no idea where I'm off to.
I thought I'd spend a little time getting used to the vehicle and just wander where the impulse takes me.
You could get arrested for impulses like that.
He's using us.
We've just been seat-warmers for Marina.
Why are people so suspicious? He asked suspiciously.
Have a good wander, Howard.
Wherever the impulse takes you! CAR HORN TOOTS Not a bad little car, though.
I think he maybe has got a bargain.
He's got Pearl and Marina.
I'd say he's due for a bargain.
CAR HORN TOOTS Hey, you two! You were with him in the car.
Where is he? Where's who? That little twonk who stole my car.
Just a minute, just a minute.
He didn't steal it, he bought it.
At that price it was a steal.
She'd no right to sell it.
It's my car.
She knew I was coming back for that car.
She's only done it for badness.
She said you were dead.
Do I look dead? I hate tricky questions.
I left her for another woman, that's all.
A lady with every advantage, except her own garage.
That's why I couldn't take the car.
He's in trouble when I get hold of him.
Lucky Howard! You get your own transport, don't you soon meet new people? I should have thrashed him, but something was holding me back.
Yes - you.
I knew it was something.
Ah, the joys of motoring.
I hope Howard remembers to keep looking in his mirror.
Polish it.
That's another thing.
I've lost my taste for polishing me car.
Barry! What are you going to do on Sundays? Ribbons? Gift-wrap service we offer.
How many you want? We want a lift is what we want.
Rescue mission.
You could help to save one of the world's outstanding examples of idiocy.
Devoted his life to it.
Howard is in trouble.
Which will probably strike you as not unusual.
What kind rescue mission? We've got to find him and warn him.
Sometimes rescue mission leads to deep feeling of gratitude followed by sale of washing machine.
I like the enterprising spirit of you people from Hull.
You've got the wrong house.
My husband doesn't have a car.
Oh, he does now.
He's just bought mine.
It's news to me, although he has had wild impulses before.
You should just see how wild.
When I say bought, it's more like stolen.
The wife nearly gave it away.
When I say wife, it's soon-to-be-ex-wife.
When did all this happen? Oh, not long since.
I nearly had him, but he slipped away.
I know the feeling.
Leave it with me.
I'll make sure you'll get your car back.
I'm not leaving it with you.
I want to see him now! Don't you come to my house with your big foot and your big mouth! He's not here.
You're covering for him.
Cover him? I'll smother him.
There's a lot of space out here.
He could be anywhere.
Space! I sometimes think Howard's from outer space.
Ye gods! Don't say there's a planet full.
We've got to start thinking like Howard.
Where would you take Marina? Don't ask me.
I never took Advanced Reckless.
No good asking me.
I'm happily married.
Don't lie.
Man who can't lie should not sell washing machines.
Come out, come out, wherever you are! It's you know who, sweetie, saying, have I got a surprise for you! And you can keep it, sweetie.
I thought they'd never go.
They were looking for a whitethroat.
Just think, it could have been mine.
We must stop meeting in these wild places.
You said something about a surprise? Tell me it's not true.
You're not involved with some other person.
Howard! If I were, do you think I'd be out here at the mercy of every passing birdwatcher? Nowyou said something about a surprise and if you want my opinion I think it's long overdue.
Step this way.
Get ready to be knocked off your feet.
Good heavens! I'm in the grip of something bigger than both of us.
Our own transport.
No more bicycles.
Oh, Howard! No more reason for us ever to get flushed or out of breath.
We're not lost, we're here.
I know we're here, but where's here? There.
But is there anything you can recognise on that map? We're in a bare bit, aren't we? It's showing us that we're in the middle of nowhere.
That's handy, isn't it? That's not like knowing a post code.
I knew we should have turned left.
You were driving.
I'd a lot on my mind.
Such as what? I've forgotten the wife's birthday.
I've seen you when you've forgotten you had a wife.
I was under stress at the time.
I want to report a stolen car.
This is not a good time.
He's got a lot on his mind.
That's them! There they are.
They were involved! MUSIC: Theme tune to Z Cars Look! That's it.
That's Howard.
Foot down, Entwistle.
They're picking up speed.
They're trying to lose you.
Nobody loses The Panther.
What about that little old woman driver? She got away.
She reminded me of my granny.
How can you chase your granny? POLICE SIREN WAILS Better stop.
We've got company.
Oi! Ask them where my car is! Ho ho! It's way ahead now.
You've just let it get away.
Right, who's the driver? TYRES SCREECH You're not going to tell me, then? Tell you what? Who he is.
You've lost me, Howard.
I knew it.
I've lost you.
There's somebody else.
Who is he?! TYRES SCREECH Kindly keep your eyes on the road.
I felt safer by bicycle.
How safe do you think I feel with some dangerous lunatic chasing after me because he thinks I've stolen you away from him? Howard, don't sit there telling me somebody's mad keen on me.
Unless you're prepared to divulge his name and address.
Marina! Only joking, of course.
What makes you think there's some lunatic chasing you? CAR HORN TOOTS Ooh! He is keen, isn't he? Trust him to buy something with a lunatic attached.
How long has he had this car? Just long enough to get himself into trouble.
At least you get some excitement.
Travis never does anything like this.
Mine won't be doing it any more for a while.
I don't want to sound like some know-it-all from BMW Land, but the chances of finding him out here are absolutely Oh! That was him! Get after him! Looks like everybody's after him.
Credit where it's due, love, he does liven things up.
Don't talk to me, I'm practising being nasty.
Keep going! Where is he?! Aargh! Urgh! Put him down! Oh! He's a sneaky little twonk.
I know.
But he's MY sneaky little twonk.
Oh, Pearl, love.
Am I glad to see you.
Get home! Go on! I bet he was glad to see Pearl.
She's the only place he feels really safe.
You call that safe? She was bending that brolly on him.
Signs of genuine affection.
You have to care for somebody to bend a brolly on him like that.
He'll be grounded for a week.
I can see him now looking miserable in his pinny.
A look that could break your heart.
You really have to laugh!