Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s29e08 Episode Script

CLANGING You get dafter! Do not enter cage unless accompanied by adult.
I wouldn't mind, but I've got her best interest at heart.
She has heart? She can dish out advice, but she can't take it.
You want my advice? Find safer hobby.
No, no I'm determined.
She needs her rough edges smoothing.
That's a major smooth.
You are looking at the founder member of the Nora Batty Renovation Society.
I have to live next door.
She's part of my environment.
She needs a makeover.
DOOR OPENS And take your equipment with you.
There's a woman in there somewhere.
I could bring her out.
She's all right where she is.
Maybe from your side.
I won't have you coming in here making suggestions.
And I don't want any acupuncture either.
That must have been some suggestion you made.
I offered to wash and blow-dry her hair.
I had this style all worked out for her.
It was in a magazine.
I showed her the picture.
That was it that just went past.
TINKLING LOUD TINKLING I think people have a duty to keep up their old customs.
There's one old custom you're too fond of keeping up.
BELLS TINKLE Support the festival.
Thank you.
Please help to decorate for the festival.
For flowers for the festival.
Of course, it's not compulsory.
Just advisable.
I've got no change.
Well, that's no change.
I'll bring flowers.
Consider yourself released on bail till you come back with either flowers or money.
I will.
If you don't, it'll be your last will.
You're like a couple of highwaymen, you two.
Flattery will get you nowhere.
We'll be waiting.
BELLS TINKLE You know what I like about this? What? Very little.
You think this place is too steep? I think flat is too steep.
Nah, we'll be fine.
Trust me I was a boy scout.
I hope you got First Aid badge.
CAR HORN BEEPS Bells? Little bells.
Could one ask why? One did, but he still didn't make any sense.
What did he say? It's never what Howard says.
He's like reading Pravda.
You know, the real story's somewhere in between the lines.
Ah He must be a source of endless entertainment.
Oh, yes, he is.
I'm pretty sure Travis doesn't have a secret life.
He's not got the hang of the first one yet.
BELLS TINKLE TINKLING You don't think that Pearl's tied a bell to him? It'll need to be church-size to keep him in.
TINKLING COME CLOSER KNOCKS ON DOOR Come in, Howard.
Let me guess It's Fairy Tinkerbell.
There is no need to be sarcastic.
But it seems like a good opportunity.
Go on, then Tell us.
Who are you supposed to be? I'm not supposed to be anyone but me.
A person who is seriously concerned with preserving our ancient customs.
And how IS Marina? I wouldn't know.
I'm too busy with plans to revive our local traditions.
I'm thinking this year, we should have a maypole.
I knew I was missing something.
Well, I hope you'll both be prepared to help when the time comes.
Well Must be off.
BELLS TINKLE Lots to do.
HE CHUCKLES: What do you think? Sounds like a load of bells to me.
(Where are you, Howard?) TINKLING Oh I hope that's not the tinkle of a stranger.
Is that the tinkle I think it is? Summoned by bells! Whatever next?! The trouble with this game is, you've got to watch you don't develop a hard shell.
You're not in any danger.
You're a pussycat.
I wouldn't say pussycat.
I see it more as keeping my macho side understated.
You cry at weddings.
Only my own.
Pussycat! Where do you get that stuff? What about your aftershave? Where do you get THAT stuff? Is this somehow relevant? It's time I told you this.
You wear some very un-police-like after shave.
It was a gift.
What can you do? That's no excuse.
Suppose they'd bought you mascara? I'd never wear it on duty.
It's hard enough as it is not to look prettier than the policewomen.
Admit.
You're inclined to be delicate.
You give me all the duff jobs.
It's always me picks the drunks up off the floor.
There's a reason for that.
Oh, I know.
It's a great way to break your nails.
Ah! You made the right decision.
What decision? To come here.
It shows maturity and judgment.
I've done maturity and judgment.
But a touch of excitement would be nice.
We just came here on a whim.
I suppose we're impulse-buying.
Your timing's good.
We've just restocked our impulse department.
I used to be impulsive.
It'll come back.
We're here to help.
She's been disappointed in love.
Ooh, I know how she feels.
You do? Yes.
You don't think I've always been a grasping old woman? It had occurred Wrong.
There was a time I was a grasping young woman.
Vital, attractive, looking for Mr Right.
Possibly the world's most elusive prey.
And you never found him? I got close.
There was one who was so tight with money, I felt sure we might make a go of it.
And then he bought me an engagement ring.
Is that bad? I could have got him the same thing with 20% off! I tried to stifle me disappointment, but our relationship never recovered.
You gave him his ring back? I showed him the door.
The ring, I kept for sentimental reasons.
Given the sameness of days, the disappointments one encounters, the absence of passion, the futility of She means we're looking for something to cheer us up.
Although I wonder if we've come to the right place.
He owes some flowers to Nora Batty.
She made him an offer he can't refuse.
Normally, he's full of sparkle.
I see no signs of any.
Show them your sparkle.
I'm not in the mood.
I've been mugged in the street.
Barefaced as you like outside the church.
Oh, never mind, you'll get your sparkle back.
Now, what did you ladies think you might have an impulse for? Well, I She hasn't decided yet, but I was just wondering Now, you'll think this is just a young woman's silly fancy, but have you any small bells? That's funny.
I'm having a run on small bells.
TYRES SCREECH But why bells? Ah, it beats me.
It's not easy to see how bells fit in with his tendency to go sneaking about quietly.
Well, he sneaks off so often, you think maybe he needs the bells to remind him where he is.
Mmm This feels like a case for Truly of the Yard.
ENGINE REVS I've thought about this, and trying to be fair all round, my conclusion is It wasn't our fault.
That's what Bonny and Clyde said.
All right.
Try this, then.
It wasn't us, it was two other fellas wearing helmets and goggles.
That's more like it.
I remember now.
They went that way.
Hello! Here comes our lifeboat.
Aaah! Take what you want.
I've got no money.
Relax.
It's us, you dozy wet.
How long have you two been involved in a life of crime? Put hands down.
BELLS TINKLE TINKLING We're looking for two roller skaters.
Reckless and dangerous roller skaters.
Oh, them! In helmet and goggles.
Have you seen anyone in helmet and goggles? We thought they were bandits.
What did they look like? One looked like him.
It wasn't him.
He's got an alibi.
In what way did they look like me? Steely eyes Firm jaw Ruggedly handsome.
That close? It's a good job I have an alibi.
They went that way.
Where did you learn to lie like that? We invented lying like that.
You've gone again.
I haven't gone anywhere.
I've just dropped dead because somebody crept up behind me and said, "You've gone again.
" You look quite well for being dead.
I've led a clean life.
I'm just wondering if I've led the right one.
You're not pining to be an astronaut again? Not really.
They don't even sleep in pyjamas.
No, it's just that sometimes, you have to look things straight in the eye and ask Is this what I wanted to be when I grew up? Be very careful.
The answer to that could lead to you dropping dead, because somebody's come up behind you and hit you with something hard.
I don't mean I'm nothappy.
Doing a good impression there for a minute.
I lack for nothing except maybe adventure.
I thought when I grew up, I'd I'd be possibly something in uniform with lots of stuff on your shoulders.
Dandruff.
You'd still have it if I didn't look after you.
Wouldn't you like me as a leader of men? A man of action? I like you now.
Waiters ignore me.
Not when I'm there.
I know.
If I'd been a man of action, you'd have had to come with me.
Come inside.
I've made some tea.
And we can quietly discuss what it is you're going to be when you grow up.
You're doing fine! I tell a lie.
You're doing NOT fine! TINKLING You look like someone who could use a cup of tea.
Oh, Travis will have one ready.
Well, this one's nearest.
I'm going to be waterlogged.
You can always turn down Travis's.
Ooh, I daren't do that! He'll think I've met somebody else.
TINKLING That's all very well, but are you alleging that roller skates are classed as vehicles? We've got a tricky one here.
So what's the answer? There hasn't really been one since we gave up police brutality.
Right! We've discussed it, and my colleague here has pleaded with me .
.
to release you with a caution for this first offence.
Good job we meet Big Softy.
You're lucky.
I'm much nastier than he is.
Rubbish.
Smell his aftershave.
It's lovely.
I wouldn't say lovely.
Must be pleasure to be arrested.
So Marina has the bells as well? Well, I'm assuming it was Marina.
I can't imagine who else he could have been secretly tinkling to.
The little devil.
So it's not Morris dancing - it's Marina dancing.
Hmm.
Should have known, shouldn't we? Huh-huh It's dangerous.
It's not dangerous.
Have you ever tried it? I've never tried suicide, but I know it's dangerous.
Whooargh! I'll take him a cup upstairs.
Is he in your good books? Well, he's inwhich is something.
TINKLING LOUD TINKLING He's not in at all.
TINKLING I can hear the bells.
Wind chimes.
He left one dangling in the window.
Now what? Forget your tea.
We're going after him.
His bicycle's gone, he'll be heading for the hills.
You really do have an exciting life.
It's going to get that way for him.
Come on.
I thought he would have caught us up by now.
Look, I feel like I'm intruding.
Give over! We're only going for a bar snack.
SHE SIGHS: There's never a spare man when you want one.
You were saying? There's never a spare man? It was like a miracle.
They came out of nowhere! Oh, Howard! Why have you arrested this woman who's a complete stranger to me? Give us a minute and we'll think of something.
She just happened to be here when we fell.
Excuse me.
If anyone deserves to be arrested, it's me.
I was driving.
You were on a bicycle.
What keen powers of observation! It could have been a stolen bicycle.
I suppose you'll be wanting my name and address.
(Come away!) (I don't trust his aftershave.
) Right Who do we nick first? So they can tell the whole world we've been on roller skates? You're right.
They were all perfectly innocent.
PEARL: It's the same old story She doesn't think so.
I've seen it all before! What have we got for the festival, then? We're taking flowers.
My marrow's not so good this year.
And there's no cure for it.
I offered old washing machine, but they said no.
I've got to take something.
Nora Batty watches every move.
I'm taking duck in black bean sauce.
I hope you're taking two passengers.
We could use a lift.
I'm not riding in the back.
Oh We can all squeeze in the cab.
Very obliging, these electricals.
OK, we ready? Who said that? It's somebody showing off because they can breathe.
Rum pair of lasses, those two.
They weren't bad for falling on.
No.
I expect that's what airbags must feel like.
You wouldn't be able to squeeze all that behind the dashboard.
You can't park here.
You'll have to move it! Can you believe God's got parking problems now(!) What do you mean we can't stop here? It's not like we're blocking the fire station.
The vicar doesn't answer 999 calls, does he? Does anybody these days? You'll have to move.
We're expecting the hearse any minute! So are we, as you do when you get to our age.
We're not suggesting you can't go first.
You'll have to move.
There's a funeral! Of course, we're all hoping it's not yours.
I have an announcement to make.
I'm in a good mood.
I'm in aplayful mood.
Are there any leaders of men out there? Coming! JOLLY WHISTLING Ah! I owe Nora Batty some flowers for the church.
You've nicked them from the cemetery.
I did not.
They're not nicked.
I picked them meself.
Park keeper in bed, was he? They're wild flowers.
They don't look wild to me.
They look as if they've given in.
They'll come round now they're in water.
Sick flowers in a jam jar.
Nice thought.
It's the thought that counts.
It's Nora's thought that counts.
I think you better sneak 'em in while the church is empty.
I've paid my debt.
She said flowers or money.
Do you think she intended you to spend all that money? You see I had this problem.
Either I could go mad on some flash flowers or we could all go for a drink.
Good thinking.
WIND CHIMES TINKLE Oh, shut your noise! TOM LAUGHS DRUNKENLY # Come where the booze is cheaper # Come where the beer runs free # TOM LAUGHS DRUNKENLY # Come where the booze is cheaper # Come where the beer runs free # I can't sleep in here.
There's a drunk person singing.
They do that.
# Come where the booze is cheaper # Come where the beer is free # All right, so they were only in a jam jar, but they were hand-picked.
Anyway, it was my little offering.
And if that's not good enough, what more can you do? Waaaaow! Ey up! Where's Tom? Tom? Do I know any Toms? What are you doing out there? I got thrown out.
You offer one jam jar, and look what happens.
Get in the back! Are you never going to grow up? Why? What have you got in mind that's for adults only? I've got in mind to give you some brush.
Are you not ashamed to be still playing with roller skates? Playing? We passed a police car.
I hope they gave you a summons.
They were going to until we let them have a go on our skates.
TINKLING I think it's marvellous.
You ring a bell, and this little person appears.