Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s30e04 Episode Script

First prize for sponge cakes.
She's not above buying one and tarting it up.
Do I detect a note of envy? No, you don't.
I've got better reasons than baking for not liking her.
Your Wilf again? Good guess.
Are you sure he drank himself to death? Sounds like to me he was overstressed.
My Wilf regarded getting up in a morning as overstress.
I can never understand why I miss the bad beggar.
You could bake for me.
Women lose their touch if they don't have a man to bake for.
It's a scientific fact.
There's not a pickin' on you.
I don't want people thinking I feed you.
I'm fashionably slim.
You're a bad advert for not smoking.
You're a non-smoker now.
Only just.
Hello, I'm Morton Beamish.
Didn't you use to be Herman Teasdale? I've never seen him before.
Who tells them? You know she married a Norwegian? Where did she find one? In Norway.
Apparently, there's no shortage.
Used to hit me at school with her skipping-rope handle.
I assumed we were engaged.
You're going to be sad now, all day.
Probably.
I had a dream last night.
I dreamt I was getting off a bus and Putin was waiting.
And I got off, and he got on and he never even looked at me.
Was bus on time? What does that matter? I like happy ending.
A bus on time is a happy ending? On windy daysgood enough for me.
You'll have to excuse him.
He's an idiot.
I thought we decided Hobbo was the idiot.
We did, but now I can see I'm surrounded by idiots.
Make good team.
You see what my dream means? You have boring dreams.
It means that my cover as a milkman was so good that even my enemies never knew that I was Ace Hobdyke secret agent.
Some people have trouble believing you were much of a milkman.
You drop one bottle.
They never forget.
Well, it must be admitted.
In your Primrose Dairy apron, you never looked like MI5's top killer.
I never said number one.
I was in the top three and pushing, but I was held back by professional jealousy and the rumour that I wore baggy boxer shorts.
You do.
I've seen them on your line.
I'm not ashamed.
I'm a firm believer in baggy boxer shorts.
Some agents used to conceal an extra weapon down their sock.
I had room for a small arsenal.
People with small arsenals should not wear baggy boxer shorts.
I woke slightly headish this morning.
It's probably nothing.
I wouldn't count on that.
You look terrible.
Doesn't he look terrible? I thought he was dead.
I'm not listening.
I know exactly what it is.
It's a mood thing.
The curse of being a sensitive soul.
We guessed that, didn't we? I always used to feel like this every time I'd had to strangle somebody.
As you do.
It's a longish job you know, strangling people.
Before you've finished, you've actually got quite close.
There's a kind of bonding thing.
You miss them once they've gone.
Anybody we knew? No, no, this was before I retired.
I haven't strangled anybody for ages.
And, of course, people are only too willing to believe the dozy muffin.
I hope YOU believe ME.
Of course I believe you.
Then stop smirking.
Oh, come on, it's worth a smirk.
Somebody comes out of your past and calls you Mother.
He's not out of MY past.
We all have our secrets, but not that size.
Really? What are these secrets? We all thought you were such a lady.
Apart from a few lapses of no concern to anybody, you were quite right.
I am a lady.
Put your little finger down.
It's going to take more than that to stop people talking.
And this sneaking off in the afternoon thing's not doing you any favours.
I am pursuing a private objective.
Nobody's sneaking.
They're talking.
I intend to raise this little finger proudly in the face of all suspicions.
Look at him! It used to be just a twitch.
These are facial-muscle exercises.
I'm doing these deliberately.
If I did that, I'd feel like a twit.
Don't you always feel like a twit? You should.
Don't be modest.
You think I do good twit? Like a native.
Did I ever tell you that, as agents in the field, we had to be masters of disguise? I believe you mentioned it.
And one of the ways was to change the look on one's face.
What do you think? Oh, I believe her.
She's not his mother.
He's a muffin.
He was always leaving me double cream I hadn't ordered.
He used to leave me the wrong butter.
Mind you, he was always polite.
I used to feel terrible for shouting at him.
If Nelly's got nothing to hide, she wants to stop sneaking off somewhere every afternoon.
I've told her.
But have you asked her where she goes? You can't just go around asking people their business.
Of course I've asked her.
She won't say.
Got to be no good, then, hasn't it? We don't know that.
Although it's not for the want of trying.
I know she gets ratty when you start talking about no smoke without fire.
Why am I talking about smoking? I'm supposed to be trying to forget smoking.
We all forget how we used to be.
Meaning what? Meaning no smoke without fire.
We've all played with matches in our time.
Not for a long time.
I've seen you at the back of the dance hall with a Polish airman.
Only because you were there with his friend.
Keeping an eye on you.
If your Pole was anything like my Pole, you would have needed both eyes where they belonged.
SHE SIGHS I met my Wilf at a dance.
He was running the bar.
And the barmaid.
I thought she was his mother.
Are you sure you dropped it in the shop? If you knew how much I missed it, you wouldn't doubt me.
How valuable was it? Go on! Make me out to be money mad.
Have you ever heard of sentimental value? For a pound coin? You get sentimental where you want.
I've got my own agenda.
When was the last time you remember handling it? Last August.
It was a sweltering hot day.
I was careless.
I was upset.
Somebody had just died before he'd finished paying for a clock he'd had repaired.
It must have fallen out of my purse.
Aye, through a zip and three locks.
There's only one lock.
You don't look like you're going jogging.
I'll change when I get in the countryside.
I don't like wearing shorts in built-up areas.
Oh, I've always rather liked your built-up areas.
Why don't you wear a tracksuit? I like my knees free when I'm at speed.
You don't expect to hear things like that from a person in insurance circles.
BELL RINGS Of course you don't always need beards and tricks.
You can use the facial muscles.
What's he doing with his face out of control? Have no fear.
This is he who strikes terror in Her Majesty's enemies.
He's not doing much good for me either.
This is The Shadow.
I can see where the bulb's a bit dim.
Of course, a change of outer clothing never hurts.
Good day, madam.
I believe you have a theatrical department.
Best for miles.
I can't see any coin.
Yah! What's up with him? We think it's being rejected by his mother.
Also has bad leg-to-brain ratio.
Never spring up at me again.
It could be fatal for you.
I can't always slow this right hand down.
Slow it down? We had time for tea and sandwiches.
You remember Morton.
Morton Beamish.
He used to be Herman Teasdale.
I'm trying to forget that.
Yes, I know Morton.
How are you, Mr Tea Beamish? Bearing up.
Are you going jogging this morning, Toby? I intend to get back into shape, show the wife what she's missing.
Though why it should be necessary is beyond me.
You'd think she could see that I'm tremendously attractive, even if a little overweight and out of condition.
Have you met Morton? Used to be Herman Teasdale.
Yes, we know Morton.
How long's she going to keep him back there? Listen, once she gets them back there, there's no telling.
I've known them have to send out for food.
You got kitchen? I could soon whip up food I was raised on.
Egg foo yung? Black pudding.
Pickled tripe.
GERMAN ACCENT: Dis is for how much, ja? Hands in pockets.
Do not touch anything.
Do not cross the red line.
I'll be with you as soon as I've chained up these two Rottweilers.
Vhere, please, is Rottweiler? She used to have one, we had to give it back.
It was terrified of her.
Wo ist red line? It's in the Market Place.
The red line, not the Red Lion.
I thought he said Red Lion.
Red line imaginary line like Equator.
And just as hot when you cross it.
Where's Hobbo? Isn't he ready yet? He's ready.
He's behind you.
Nobody spots The Shadow.
Knew it was him all time.
The worst German accent we've ever heard.
Hitler sounded better.
I thought he was German.
Hitler? No he came from Hartlepool.
He had to move to Germany because he couldn't handle the Geordie accent.
I never knew that.
Well, think about it.
"Away man" doesn't hack it like "schnell schnell".
That's it, then.
The old antenna's bleeping.
What were that lot up to? What lot? You're supposed to be the observer on this team.
You're supposed to be our eyes and ears.
I were looking at you.
You were talking.
It seemed rude to be looking anywhere else.
Well, I'm tickled you've got lovely manners, but it's not a lot of comfort thinking my life could be in your hands and you're not even awake.
I shan't look at you again.
If you want to talk, the most you'll be talking to is this right ear.
Well, I hope it's more alert than the rest of you.
Didn't see those blokes acting suspicious? Doing what? Hiding behind that parked car.
How many? Looks like three.
Three? That's one more than us.
Now you're waking up.
Acting really suspiciously? Very.
Suppose it isn't three.
Suppose when we get there there's 15? It's not that big a car.
So, 12 of them walked here.
Came from different directions.
It would draw less attention that way.
Crafty! Good point.
Actually, they didn't look all that suspicious.
My guess would be amateur football team.
two linesmen.
That's 14.
Somebody's uncle come to watch.
There's your 15.
Fair enough.
Bravery's been discontinued anyway since health and safety.
I find you very .
.
attractive.
Attractive? I wonder could you direct me, please, to historical places of interest? Can I! I vos nicht planning so far to go.
How far were you thinking of going? Tell her I'm mean with money.
It's Yorkshire, love.
We all are.
I bet that's me going through it again.
No.
We're saving you till later.
So who is it this time? Another strange man.
We were talking about my Travis.
So you see, you're not the only one that's loopy.
What's Travis done? He's locked himself in the shed again because I won't tell him where I go in the afternoons.
Where do you go in the afternoons? Oh, look! Is it that time already? I'm not sure I like you associating with people whose husbands don't know where they go in the afternoons.
I don't want to make a direct order of it, but I feel it's something you should think about.
Why don't you give it a rest before your mouth finds your foot in it? Why is Hobdyke wearing glasses and that young lady? We think it's all part of his search for a mother.
She's not the motherly type.
Voice of experience.
It was just a wild guess.
Ah zo! Vot day is this in English? It could be bigger than you think.
You vill excuse me haff to.
Mein Messerschmitt is at ze cleaners.
Oh, Mr Hobdyke your twitch is back.
You knew it was me? I never forget a bad accent.
She's penetrated my disguise.
Oh, I wonder how(!) You must be a lady of acute perception.
I'm a lady of a cute several items.
Ask anybody.
I wouldn't say anybody.
You know what this means? I'll have to change.
I've never been uncovered before.
Me, a man who once spent three weeks pretending to be a Mr Igor Globnik.
Two of them with Mrs Globnik.
This is the way to loosen up, you know.
Lots of nerves pass through the neck.
You should try this yourselves.
I can't wait.
I do this whenever I'm in a bit of a flutter.
It helps me rediscover my calm centre.
Did you know he had a calm centre? It must be behind his twitch.
I learned this stuff from a holy man in Tibet.
I think it was Tibet.
Or could be Thames Ditton.
You see all this gorgeous scenery, and you can't help asking, what are we doing for lunch? Don't talk to me about lunch.
That woman nearly had me for lunch.
Marina's bark worse than bite.
He's lying.
Don't listen to him.
You were within inches of your eyeballs steaming up.
I'm driving myself through the pain barrier, but I think it's working.
I'm loosening up.
It's uncanny you know, the power the trained mind has over matter.
HIS NECK CLICKS What's the matter? My neck, I think it's stuck.
Yes.
I was right.
It's stuck.
It seems to be locked.
Perhaps I should have loosened up more before I did the tricky stuff.
Don't worry.
I can deal with it.
It's happened before.
It's just a question of ignoring the pain and waiting for the right moment to There, you see? Aargh! Could somebodyplease Er, chaps? Team My team.
Over to me please.
That looks illegal.
They're trying to break his neck.
In broad daylight.
I hate that.
That's contempt for law and order.
You'd think they'd wait till dark.
Look, hang on! They're letting him go.
No, they're not.
They're taking him prisoner.
CLICK Ooh, they've bent his neck something terrible.
Probably a Mob thing.
Brought him out here to bury him.
Oh, well as long as it's nothing serious(!) Do you mind! Stop letting your imagination run wild.
Well, what else can it be? Couple of chiropractors working on his neck.
Out here? They go anywhere.
You've heard of the flying doctor.
They're the flying chiropractors.
Where's their aircraft? All right.
It was just a theory.
You go on ahead.
I'll just die here quietly.
I'm not leaving him.
Of course not.
Nobody's leaving him.
He's lucky he's got us.
You don't find loyalty like that every day.
No, no.
Unhand me.
I can't give in.
There's a little wife back home, probably pining for me.
Quite a big wife actually.
In fact, she's got a backside like a tram.
Is it any wonder men go astray? You've seen her.
What's she like? It's only a small tram.
I think he's secretly still in love with her.
I think you believe in fairies.
An oasis.
He said we'd soon see benefits of exercise.
I'm a little off balance.
That's certainly our opinion.
You want us twist neck back? No, no.
I'll do it gradually.
We'll be gentle.
You promise? Of course, I don't mind pain.
I can stand any amount of pain.
I just don't want you to dirty my collar.
Aargh! Aargh! It's no good.
I can't stand this.
So, what, then? I think a finger in each ear, don't you? He could have ridden inside.
I told him.
He said, "Leader does not allow pain to alter plans.
" I sometime think his head's turned further than sideways.
Where's he gone? Could have said goodbye.
Help me up! Help you up? With your neck like that, do you know which way is up? HE GROANS Why did you pull in here? You need drink.
I do now.
Isn't he speaking to you? Never looks you in eye.
Looks you in the ear mostly.
Ignore them.
I just keep them for simple duties.
There's no blood.
You don't get a lot of that from strangulation.
They could have cut his tongue out.
Like they do.
It's a warning to keep silent.
You're looking very thoughtful.
What is it? I was wondering if, while we're here, do you fancy ordering a sandwich? Ploughman's.
Extra pickle.
You'll have it all over the car again.
I'll eat it outside.
I can't understand people who find jogging boring.
Are we bored? Never.
Even in built-up areas.
I'll drink to that.
No, this won't do.
I must go and relocate my trousers.
Relocating my trousers has been my downfall.
I strongly recommend against it.
Did we have trousers? Hello! Where are you lot off to? We thought back to the car seemed like a good idea.
Whoa! You can't drive like that.
Toby says I'm fine.
I so admire his tee shot, I am not disposed to argue the matter.
We'll have to take them.
He'll have to drive.
Looking sideways? He's the only one who hasn't had a drink.
Key! How's he going to drive with his head on sideways? Badly.
We better follow that lot.
The benefits of whiplash.
How about that?