Last Week Tonight With John Oliver (2014) s10e05 Episode Script


Welcome to "Last Week Tonight"!
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy week.
The ICC put out a warrant
for Putin's arrest,
Joe Biden opened up federal
lands in Alaska for drilling,
despite specifically promising
that he wouldn't,
and Trump claimed that he might
get arrested next week.
And if you are wondering how
he is doing right now, don't worry,
because in this video that he released,
directed toward farmers,
it seems like he's doing great.
I made farmers happy
and rich again,
and they're doing a fantastic job,
and you know what?
Someday, it'll become time for them
to leave this beautiful earth,
and they'll be able to leave their farm
without taxes, to their children.
I got rid of the death tax on farms
so that when you do pass away
on the assumption that you love
your children,
you can leave it to them
and they won't have to pay tax.
If you don't love your children so much
and there are some people that don't,
and maybe deservedly so,
it won't matter
because frankly, you don't have
to leave them anything.
Thank you very much.
Have fun.
He's still got it!
He has still got it!
And by it, I mean whatever it is
that is so deeply wrong with his brain.
Do you know how much
you have to hate your kids
to get distracted by that thought
in the middle of a political speech?
"We should have pulled out troops
from the region sooner.
Speaking of regretting
not pulling out sooner, Don Jr".
And then-and then they shot
that with two cameras!
They cut something out of that,
and given what they kept in,
I am dying to know what it was.
And then to stick the landing
at the end with "have fun?"
It's impeccable!
It's all just impeccable.
But this week has been dominated
by the continuing fallout
of the collapse
of Silicon Valley Bank.
Early Monday, Biden spoke out
to try and stem any panic.
President Biden sought to assure
the country before markets opened.
Americans can have confidence
that the banking system is safe.
The news is welcome relief
for Ben Kaufman,
founder and CEO
of kids' store CAMP.
Most of his company's money
was in SVB when the bank went under.
Desperate to raise cash,
his company slashed prices by 40%.
We sent out an email with a discount
code. The code was "bank run."
I see what he's doing there.
But if you weren't following the news,
getting an email with the discount
code "bank run" is pretty alarming.
"Remember that little shop where we got
a birthday present for your niece?
They're offering 70% off with the promo
code 'last resort the world is on fire.'
Is everything okay?
Do we need to turn on the news?"
You've probably seen
a bunch of explainers this week,
so I won't bore you
with every little detail.
But very broadly speaking, SVB had
invested a lot of its customers' money
in long-term treasury bonds.
But as the Fed sharply raised
interest rates, those bonds lost value.
And when the bank sold a lot
of its securities at a huge loss,
its customers panicked,
and there was a stampede for the exits.
It's essentially a classic story
of a bank doing a lousy job of judging
and hedging against risks,
although, if you are Fox News,
there is another explanation.
Silicon Valley Bank
is a woke Biden bank.
SVB was California's woke,
trendy bank.
Here's my concern,
this is a woke bank.
Did Silicon Valley Bank
get woke and go broke?
What are you talking about?
That is so stupid I'm almost jealous.
Because it must be so very nice
for them to be able to automatically
blame everything they don't like
or understand on wokeness.
"It rained on my birthday
because of critical race theory
and my son called me a bitch
because of socialism,
and I was late to work today
because of a bunch of pronouns.
I believe these things
mind, body, and, soul
and it makes my life
monumentally easier."
And the full context
for the "woke bank" narrative
is somehow even dumber
than you might think.
Basically, Fox grabbed onto
some of SVB's diversity initiatives
who tried to spin those
into the reason for the collapse,
even though, as one expert
in consumer finance pointed out,
"It had nothing to do with it,"
adding that trying to tie
the two together is like saying,
"Why isn't blue
the answer to one plus one?
It's banking 101.
That's what was going on."
And of course it was,
hedging against risk
is a foundational lesson of banking,
along with "buy low, sell high"
and "wear a fancy suit and tie
so no one can tell you have no idea
what the fuck you're doing."
And to be honest,
that one is still pretty handy.
We will learn more about exactly what
happened at SVB in the coming weeks.
But they weren't the only
financial institution that went down.
Signature Bank also went under,
after a similar run by depositors.
And already, we are learning
more than anyone wanted to know
about what was going on inside it,
because what you're about to see
may be one of the least
consequential decisions they made,
but it was definitely
the most embarrassing.
Top executives at Signature Bank
play themselves
in a series of wacky
promotional videos.
Is there a book,
"How to Build a Bank for Dummies?"
The over-the-top videos
feature bank employees
in cringeworthy song
and dance numbers.
This Signature video
is also eerily prophetic.
What possible fate will become
of our bank
other than to diminish and fail?
I happen to know for a fact,
that won't happen.
Holy shit!
In terms of things
that have aged badly,
I'd say that this falls somewhere
between mid-aughts Gwen Stefani,
my actual body,
and the October 1976 cover
of Sesame Street Magazine.
They didn't know! They didn't know!
I'm assuming, they didn't know.
And again, there is a lot
we still have to learn here.
Figures like Elizabeth Warren
are pointing to the 2018 law
that rolled back
some of the Dodd-Frank Act,
which removed institutions
like SVB and Signature,
basically, all but the biggest banks,
from the highest level of scrutiny,
like more frequent
stress-test requirements.
While some will push back on that,
saying that the rolled-back rules
and regulations
couldn't have prevented this week,
and that they already have more
than sufficient controls in place,
Warren has a pretty solid
response to that.
We've had a number of those
CEOs on the shows in the last few days,
Fifth Third, Schwab,
they do their own stress testing.
Not everyone
was behaving in a risk profile,
in a risk manner
that Silicon Valley Bank was.
I'm sorry.
I taught school for many, many years.
And I did not let my students
do their own testing.
Right. Clearly, banks
can't be trusted to self regulate.
That should be incredibly obvious,
like the fact that the sky is blue
or Guy Fieri is a generous lover.
Flavortown is a state of mind, and
he will make sure that you get there.
And it is not a great sign
that an investigation
into whether the Fed
was derelict in overseeing SVB
has been entrusted to the Fed.
Overall, it seems like the people
in charge of keeping our economy safe
will keep telling us "We can police
ourselves, nothing will go wrong."
But if I may quote a former
leading man currently looking for work,
I happen to know for a fact
that won't happen!
You know what? This time,
I think he might actually be right.
And now, this!
And Now:
For St. Patrick's Day, Local News
Did What They Always Fucking Do.
Top of the morning to you,
happy Friday.
Welcome to this Irish edition
of "Good Day Marketplace".
- I'm Cameron McFontana.
- And I am not doing an accent.
Top of the morning to you
on this fine Irish day.
All right, let's get to it.
- We haven't said it yet.
- Top of the morning.
Top of the morning to you.
6:45 there on St. Patty's Day.
Top of the morning to you.
Top of the morning to you.
You didn't insult a single person.
- Top of the morning to you, lassies.
- Top of the morning.
- Can you do an Irish accent, Tinley?
- I have no clue.
Pot of gold to y'all there.
That was not
a very good St. Patty's Day accent.
Green helps you become invisible
to leprechauns.
- I didn't know any of that.
- You're too tall to be a leprechaun.
- He's even got a fisherman sweater on.
- We got this.
You know the lore
behind the fisherman sweater.
When the seamen would go out,
some of them wouldn't come back.
The ships would sink
and things like that.
The bodies would wash up, and they
would be able to identify the family
by the sweater
that they were wearing.
By the kind of yarn?
By the kind of sweater,
that's from what I understand.
- Let's bring it back to positive.
We're bringing it back to positive.
Top of the morning to you!
Moving on.
With it being spring break season,
our main story concerns vacations.
A wonderful time to realize
that you're in love with someone,
or realize
that you are absolutely not.
And be honest, you knew
in the TSA line before the flight.
Keep the streaming
passwords for as long as you can
but do give back
his grandmother's ring.
we're going to talk about timeshares.
Some of you might be thinking: "Are you
going to tell me that they are a scam?
Because surely
everybody knows that."
And it is true that the sketchiness
of timeshare vacations
has been a punch line on TV
for years.
You moron,
these aren't free vacations.
These are timesharing deals,
they're total scams.
These timeshare people, they don't
stop until they sell you something.
They prey on the weak
and gullible, i.e. you!
Perhaps you and your yellow friend
would like to set up a timeshare plan?
Don't do it, Sandy!
I won't give in to your timeshare
vacation scam!
Yeah, suspicions
about timeshare programs
are so ubiquitous they can get laughs
in children's programming.
Obviously, SpongeBob was never
going to say yes to a timeshare.
Otherwise they'd have had
to change his theme song to this.
Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea,
except for one week a year
when he's in a studio in Key West?
SpongeBob SquarePants!
Yeah, still good but doesn't quite
have the same ring to it, does it?
But despite decades of mockery
on TV,
timeshares are a much bigger business
than you may think.
They're actually
an $8.1 billion industry,
with nearly 10 million households
owning one or more types of timeshare.
They can be sold by big hotel chains
like Hyatt and Marriott,
as well as companies
like Wyndham and Westgate Resorts.
But one of the things that may've
obscured their continued growth
is that they're not always
called timeshares now.
They've been rebranded
as "vacation clubs"
or "vacation ownership plans".
And while traditionally,
you'd buy a timeshare
that consisted of one week every year
at, say, a condo in Florida,
now companies offer "floating weeks"
that can theoretically be used
anytime throughout the year,
or "timeshare points",
where you buy points
that you can redeem
in a number of resort properties
owned by the same company.
But whatever you call timeshares,
the people selling them
maintain they are not excellent value,
they are actively good for you.
Here is a vice president
at Westgate
firing up his sales team
in the weirdest possible way.
- Why are we here?
- To save lives!
To save lives. Those who take
the fewest amount of vacations
are most likely
to have a heart attack.
You're just like a doctor,
a nurse, a fireman,
policeman, a lifeguard.
They all save lives,
and you all do it, too.
Timeshare salespeople save lives
just like doctors and nurses!
That is why, during the initial
outbreak of the pandemic,
we New Yorkers would loudly cheer
for all the timeshare salespeople
as they came back from work.
We'd do that at 6:00 PM, and then
if we still had some energy left,
we'd throw a few claps
to hospital workers at 7:00,
for whatever they were doing.
But the fact is,
timeshares don't save lives,
in fact, in many cases,
they can fuck them up.
Because they are incredibly easy
to get into, but,as you will see,
incredibly hard to get out of,
so let's talk about timeshares.
Let's start with the first thing you
probably already know about them
that they tend to be sold
in person, aggressively,
and while you're already
on vacation,
often by suckering people into
agonizingly long sales presentations
with the promise of a free gift.
There are so many horror stories
out there,
like the woman whose parents were
subjected to a seven hour sales pitch
that ended with them spending
more than $10,000 on a timeshare,
or the person who signed an agreement
following a five-hour presentation,
because, quote, "I'm a diabetic.
After five hours, I just gave in.
I needed something to eat."
And I do get that.
"Listen to a timeshare presentation"
is dead last on the list of things that
I want to do for five straight hours,
right after "watching 'Avatar:
The Way of Water,'"
"telling children their pet hamster
was eaten by their other pet hamster
and that neither one ever knew
the child in question existed,"
and "hearing other people talk about
watching 'Avatar: The Way of Water.'"
The problem is, though,
once you are in that room,
companies can go to extreme lengths
to get you to commit on the spot.
Just watch as that Westgate
executive encourages his staff
to stop at nothing
to make a sale.
Our number one person in Orlando
owns several weeks of timeshare.
You should own
at least one week yourselves.
And if you don't,
lie and say you do!
Don't let these people leave here
without buying something!
I don't know
what is more alarming there:
that he knew a camera crew was filming,
and instructed his sales team to lie,
or that he knew that
and willingly wore that shirt.
Because what the fuck
is that thing?
It looks like someone ate a Persian rug
and then threw up on him.
He looks like the mascot
for divorce.
Lying is actually a key strategy
for many timeshare salespeople,
they will lie about everything,
from the ease of making reservations,
to the total cost of the timeshare.
According to a lawsuit
against Wyndham,
salespeople even had an acronym,
"TAFT" "tell them any frigging thing".
And come on!
At this point, just say "fucking".
'Cause it's one thing to lie,
it's another to do that
while talking like a middle schooler
who's in the car with their mom
but still trying to sound hard.
But the thing is, lying is basically
allowed in this industry.
Many timeshare agreements contain
"a clause that absolves the developer
from responsibility
for anything sales reps say".
It's often referred to by attorneys as
the "salesman's license-to-lie clause."
I get that sales reps bullshit
customers constantly.
It happens to me every time
a Warby Parker employee tells me
"You look so cool!"
But you wouldn't expect them
to be able to lie
about something as objective
as how much a thing will cost.
The good news is depending
on where you made your purchase,
you can have between three
and 10 days to rescind your signature.
But, remember, a lot of people
sign up for timeshares on vacation,
so that tame-time may expire
before they get home or have a chance
to have a lawyer look at the contract.
This would be less of an issue
if people loved their timeshares.
But a study found that 85% of timeshare
owners regret their purchase.
Which is a rate of regret on par
with people who bought teacup pigs
only to realize
that teacup pigs don't really exist.
What do exist are baby pigs
that grow into a 90-pound piece of
livestock that can suffocate your cat.
Let's talk about why people
might regret buying a timeshare.
And the first major reason,
unsurprisingly, is cost.
The upfront cost for a one week
annual timeshare vacation
can average around $24,000,
but that is just the beginning.
Because on top of that come
other expenses like maintenance fees,
which typically go up every year,
and at high-value resorts,
can run from 2,500 to $3,500
per year.
And you're on the hook for those costs,
whether you use your timeshare or not.
Which actually brings us
to another major problem,
'cause if what you bought
is points or a "floating week plan",
you need to book time at your resort,
which can be unexpectedly hard.
Listen to this man explain
his attempts to book a vacation
at the Westgate timeshare
that he bought in Branson, Missouri,
six years earlier.
- I call a month in advance.
They say "You're calling,
you're giving us a very short notice".
Year two,
they called six months in advance.
"You're calling too early".
Year 3 they called 2 months in advance,
but we're told they called too late.
"Then you can still go, but we have
to charge you like any other person".
So far, the Naseers
have spent more than $15,000
for a timeshare
they've never spent a single night in.
When the Naseers
complained to Westgate,
they were told they would have
an easier time using their timeshare
if they upgraded to a better plan
for an additional $15,000.
Yeah, that's not great, is it?
Being asked to pay $15,000
for something that you've only seen
in pictures is not a timeshare.
That's an expensive and remarkably
niche OnlyFans account.
But Westgate's response
is pretty common across the industry,
once you buy a timeshare,
the pitch is,
"you really need to upgrade to get
the most, or, possibly, anything,
out of your purchase."
And these upgrades are a fundamental
part of the business model.
At one investment conference,
Marriott stated that every $30,000
spent on the purchase
of a new timeshare
should generate an extra 20,000
from upgrades after just five years.
It's hardly surprising that companies
pressure people to pay for upgrades,
sometimes with the exact
same aggressive tactics
that got them to buy
the timeshare in the first place.
Customers of Wyndham Resorts said
that whenever they'd go on vacation,
they'd be forced into so-called
"owner update meetings"
where they were then pressured
to spend more, like this woman.
The 76-year-old widow is deep in debt,
owing more than $175,000
after she claims she was repeatedly
tricked and harassed
into buying timeshare points.
Folds also claims
in her lawsuit Wyndham
sales reps told her things
to convince her to buy more points
that ended up not being true.
If I would just sign it,
they could lower the interest rates.
- Is that in fact what happened?
- No. No.
She says Wyndham's salespeople
also told her the company
would buy back
any extra points she didn't use,
and that, too, she later found,
wasn't as it had been explained.
- Were you surprised to discover that?
- Very surprised.
Not only surprised, you may need
to bleep this out, I was mad as hell.
She is pissed there.
I know "mad as hell"
might not sound that extreme
to us delinquents on HBO
but coming from a 76-year-old woman
in Tennessee,
that's equivalent
of a child screaming "motherfucker"
through a bullhorn
at an elementary school.
It's that level of intensity.
So, between fees and the constant
pressure to pay for upgrades,
you can see how people might
end up regretting their purchase.
Even those who initially
enjoyed their timeshare
might end up wanting
to get rid of it,
either because they're getting older
and not wanting to travel as much,
or they're just getting tired
of going to the same place.
The problem is, whatever your reason
for wanting to leave a timeshare,
you will soon realize
it is very hard to do that.
That is because many agreements
contain a "perpetuity clause".
That means that the purchase, as well
as all those regular maintenance fees,
are a "non-cancellable
lifetime obligation."
Which is ridiculous,
a contract for a vacation
shouldn't be harder to get out
of than fucking Scientology.
Where's Shelly, by the way?
I'm sure she's fine,
but where is Shelly?
Some developers
claim to have programs
where they'll take
a timeshare back,
but there is a lot of fine print there,
including the fact
that they're often only available
at the developer's discretion,
and could involve
paying a significant fee,
which sometimes can be equivalent
to two years of maintenance fees.
And if the company
won't take it back, good luck.
Because "it can be hard, if not
impossible, to sell a timeshare".
The resale site Redweek
shows a number of them being sold
for literally $0.
And keep that in mind
anytime anyone says
that a timeshare
is "an investment".
Investments are supposed
to gain value.
A timeshare
is as sound an investment
as opening a Ghislaine Maxwell
themed restaurant.
When you're here, you're in danger!"
And all this
actually gets one step worse,
thanks to something that's often framed
as a selling point for timeshares.
That's a great feeling to know that our
grandchildren when we're not around.
It will be our legacy to them.
Even as we pass on,
we can continue
to give that to our children.
It's a gift that will keep on giving,
beyond us.
Now that we have two children,
it's kind of exciting that we know
that our credits
will never go to waste.
It will still be in our family
through our boys.
One of those boys seems happy,
but the other one does seem pissed,
and much more interested
in the upside-down construction truck
that he's holding.
He's right. If there's one thing
to take away from this episode,
it's that if you have a choice between
a timeshare and an upside-down truck,
take the truck every time,
at least you technically own that.
But given everything
that you've seen so far,
you won't be surprised to hear
that many people aren't super-keen
on inheriting a timeshare.
And while you can technically
decline it,
that can be much, much harder
to do than you might think.
Walking away does take work.
Namely, you must file
a disclaimer of interest
with the court saying
that you reject the timeshare.
You only have nine months after
the death of your loved one to file it.
And even then,
it's not that simple.
When the first person in line
rejects the timeshare,
it goes to the next in line
and then the next and the next.
Every single person
has to file all of that paperwork.
It's true. Every single person.
And timeshare paperwork clearly
isn't what grieving families need.
It is pretty upsetting to think
that there might genuinely be a market
for sympathy cards that say
"I'm sorry for your loss,
but also, move fast if you don't
want to get stuck with the fees
on your dead mom's Hilton Head
two bedroom."
And all of this brings us to what might
be the most surprising thing here:
timeshares are so difficult
to get rid of,
a whole separate industry
has now cropped up,
known as the timeshare
exit industry.
You may have seen ads
on TV for them,
or upbeat segments
on local stations like these,
for a company
called Timeshare Termination Team,
where they can get
a pretty strong endorsement.
Colorado's timeshare termination team
has 100% success rate.
Joining us, trusted advisors
Brian and Holly Wilbur
with the first steps you need to take
to legally get out of your timeshare.
I'll be honest,
I know I said this before too,
I didn't think this was possible,
but it actually is!
That sounds pretty great,
doesn't it?
The basic pitch of exit companies
is, for an upfront fee,
they'll either resell your timeshare
or get you out of your contract.
And given how critical
they are of the timeshare industry,
you might assume that they are
the good guys in this story.
Unfortunately, they are very much not,
which you probably already suspected
after that woman
claimed a 100% success rate.
Because that is one of those phrases
that's an automatic red flag,
like "endorsed by Dr. Oz"
or "Forbes cover model",
It just immediately
raises suspicions.
Also, you should know,
while that sure looks like the news,
crucially, it,
and all those shows you just saw,
are "sponsored content" programs.
We did a story on them
a couple of years ago,
and it's where local stations
will allow you to buy your way
into fake segments that look like news,
but are in fact, ads.
We actually bought our way
onto that exact show, on Denver 7,
to sell a Nazi fuck blanket.
And if you've missed that story,
go back and watch the whole thing
because that was one hell of a sentence
that's missing 21 minutes of context.
Anyway, as it turns out,
Timeshare Termination
was even sketchier
than our Third Reich fuck fleece,
because not long after that,
Denver 7's actual news team
had this story to report.
Debi hired the company
in June 2019.
In all, she paid more than $14,000.
I signed a two-year contract
that ended this last June.
Under the terms of the con,
if they don't resolve my issue,
I can get a refund.
Two years came and went. That's
when she went looking for answers.
And so, I came to see them,
and it's empty.
The signs are still up
on this office in Greenwood Village.
But there's no employees.
The furniture is gone.
First, I'm not sure
it was totally necessary
to force her to go back and knock
on the glass of a clearly empty office,
but I'm very glad that they did.
But second, that is a 19th century
snake oil salesman-level scam.
They just disappeared.
One moment they were there,
the next they were suddenly
gone with no warning,
like a ghost,
or a TV show on HBO Max.
Everything's fine at this company!
Everything's fine!
And unfortunately,
that is by no means a one-off.
As one consumer advocate puts it
"I don't like generalizations
so I'll say that 99% of them
don't do what they say they will,
or worse,
are out-and-out scams".
But you know what,
I do like generalizations,
so I'm happy to say timeshare
exit companies are total bullshit.
A lot have followed the same
basic pattern that you just saw:
they charge an upfront fee,
and then either stall indefinitely
or fully disappear.
And they are taking advantage
of people on a massive scale.
In Missouri,
one group of companies
stands accused
of deceiving consumers
into paying more than $90 million for
exit services that were not delivered.
And while that case is still pending,
all of these other companies have
gone under in recent years.
I know that these exit companies
might seem suspicious to you now,
but they have slick marketing,
and have been endorsed by some
supposedly financially savvy people.
In fact, Dave Ramsey,
the popular personal-finance guru,
who, to his credit,
has been a vocal critic of timeshares,
actually gave one exit company
a ringing endorsement.
Timeshare Exit Team will get you
out of their timeshare.
You're going to pay them money
to do that. That's what they do.
And they charge you upfront and they
give you your money-back guarantee
if they don't get you out,
but they'll get you out.
That sounds trustworthy,
doesn't it?
And why wouldn't you take the word
of a man who's look and general vibe
answers the question "what if Billy Joel
and Dr. Phil had a kid and it sucked?"
But not long after that,
the Washington State AG
sued Timeshare Exit Team,
claiming, among other things,
that the majority of its customers
either did not receive
their promised exit,
received one that caused them
unanticipated negative financial,
or other consequences,
or received an exit that the customer
could've obtained for themselves.
The company eventually shut down,
but only after it was forced
to pay $2.6 million in restitution.
And if you're thinking any of that
gave Dave Ramsey pause for reflection,
you should know, it did not.
After Inside Edition did a segment
covering Timeshare Exit Team's issues
and questioning
his endorsement of them,
he pushed back like this.
I didn't know you could
buy a story on Inside Edition.
I know you were a tabloid,
but I didn't know you were that low.
Or are you just so dumb
that you didn't understand
you were on the wrong side
of this argument
on the basis of the consumer?
So, this is why Timeshare's
not on the air anymore.
Timeshare Exit Team.
But guess who's still on the air?
And I'm sitting
in a $300 million paid-for building,
neck-deep in cash, you jerks.
That is champion
of the working people, Dave Ramsey,
bragging about being neck-deep
in cash to his own viewers,
who got caught up in a scam
that he actively promoted.
All while having
his hands like this,
a pose used almost exclusively
by cartoon super villains
plotting ways to kill Batman.
But the thing is,
there is no right side to be on here.
Timeshare companies and timeshare
exit companies are both terrible.
One is a shitty business model
that's somehow technically legal,
and the other is oftentimes
an out-and-out scam,
but neither is good.
And it's very important
not to lose sight of the fact
that, beneath all of this,
are people who can get victimized,
and in some cases, twice.
If you watch a lot of stories
about these companies,
it is heartbreaking just how
often the people in them
talk about how ashamed they feel
about falling for this.
Nobody in my family knows.
Makes you feel bad when you think
you've done something this stupid.
When we bought the timeshare
which took us to the cleaners
and it just made me feel stupid.
It doesn't make me feel good.
I think I'm smarter than that.
Yeah, I get that.
But to be clear, the shame here should
not be on the people who were duped.
It should be
on the industries that exploited them,
told them any frigging thing
they wanted to,
and abused their understandable
desire just to take a fucking break.
So, what can we do here?
On the off chance
that anyone watching right now
is considering a timeshare,
don't do it!
If you know someone considering it,
send them this segment.
If you happen to inherit a timeshare,
get rid of it as fast as possible.
And if it's too late,
and you're stuck with it,
you can try and give it away
for $0 online,
but the truth is, you'll only
be fucking someone else over then.
the best option might actually be
to call the timeshare company
and see if there is any chance
that they will take it back from you.
As for exit companies,
as you have seen,
there's been sporadic legal action
against individual companies,
but by and large,
it is a whack-a-mole ecosystem,
when one goes down,
another one tends to pop right up.
So, the truth is,
the best bet right now
seems to be to make sure
that we all warn each
other about just how fucked up
this whole industry is.
Or, I suppose,
we could go another way with it,
and if you can't beat them,
join them.
So, joining me now
for a special sponsored segment
that she may or may not
have paid $3,000 for,
please welcome back to the show
my lovely wife,
Wanda Jo Oliver!
- Hello there, m'Wanda!
- Hello there, m'John!
Now, Wanda, I understand
you have a new timeshare product
that you'd like to share with us.
That's right. I'm here to introduce my
new company, Timeshare Exit Squared.
Yes, the world's first-ever
timeshare exit company exit company.
Fascinating, Wanda!
What does Timeshare Exit Squared
do exactly?
Let's say you're stuck in a timeshare
and you go to an exit company
to get you out of the contract.
That company just took all your money
and disappeared without doing a thing!
Timeshare Exit Squared can free you
from your timeshare exit company
and get all your money back!
That is amazing, Wanda!
You are truly saving lives,
like doctors, nurses, and firefighters.
You are. You are. You are.
You are, Wanda.
I am way better than all them!
All those people are scum
compared to me! I spit on them.
You spit?
As you should, m'Wanda!
Tell me, how exactly
does Timeshare Exit Squared work?
It couldn't be easier, m'John.
Simply pay us a quick and easy
upfront fee of $20,000,
and within three-to-58
your timeshare exit company
will deposit a full refund
to your bank account.
Wanda, is that guaranteed?
It's even better than a guarantee.
It's a pinky swear promise!
I like it. I like that.
That's why Timeshare Exit Squared
has over 9.3 billion happy customers
and a 200% satisfaction rate.
- A 200%, you said?
- That's right!
For every Timeshare Exit
Squared customer,
another random person
is also left satisfied.
Wanda, that is incredible.
I'll be honest, I didn't think
this was possible, but it actually is!
It sure is, depending
on your definition of "possible!"
Sure. Sure, that's fair.
And if you run into any problems
or delays,
just call our hotline
at 1-800-Flowers.
Nice, nice, yeah.
Or come to the Timeshare Exit
Squared offices.
How would someone do that,
All you have to do is drive up
next to the Timeshare Exit Squared van
and scream
your 27-digit case number,
and we'll be happy
to help with anything you need,
until we cross the border
into Nogales, Mexico.
That sounds very reasonable!
But people should act fast,
shouldn't they, m'Wanda?
That's right, m'John!
This particular company is only going
to exist for the next three days.
Right. Right.
Then we're shutting it down
and starting a new one
in the Cayman Islands!
- Have you ever been?
- I haven't!
I could sell you one a week a year
there for just $50,000.
I like it!
And nobody leaves here
without buying something!
She's right.
Thank you so much, m'Wanda.
That's our show,
thank you so much for watching,
we're off next week,
we'll be back after that, good night.
Thank you so much, m'Wanda.
It sounds like a fantastic deal!
I'm neck deep in cash, you jerks.
Adios, amigos!
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