Lazor Wulf (2019) s01e03 Episode Script
Lane Occupied
1 La, la, la La, la la la, la-la la la Da da da da Da da da da da da Heyyyyyyyyyy [Funk plays.]
[Bloop!.]
You telling me he couldn't catch that? - I blasted it right in his mouth! - That's what she said.
[Laughing.]
Y'all done? 'Cause we down a player.
Hey, Lazor Wulf.
Hey.
[sigh.]
Guess we'll just have to forfeit.
I think you missed me up there, but, I can play.
Stupid Horse, if you play, then who's gonna wave - the very important Stupid Flag? - My arms are tired and I'm sick of waving [bshh.]
Your boy is ready to throw some hoops! You must be out your damn mind, my dude.
Don't touch that ball.
Look, man.
We all got our lanes and, when it comes to basketball, specifically, you just happen to be outside of the lane.
[Applause.]
Pbbt! Outside the lanes? I'll show you.
These balls? These balls right here? Will be dribbled.
[singsong.]
That's what she said.
No, that's what I said.
Man, these things are so much bigger up close.
That's what she You know what? Never mind.
It's not even fun no more.
Good, 'cause that was getting very annoying.
Look, Stupid Horse, the bottom line is that basketball is just too dangerous for you.
Sorry, can't hear you over the sound of all this cool Dribble Dutchin' I'm doin'.
Ah.
This is some white-horse [bshh.]
We're gonna lose big, man.
[Bshh.]
it! Let's just play.
[Suspenseful music.]
Everyone, stand back! I got this.
I call this move Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs.
[Whoosh!.]
Aaaah! My ankies! [Monitor beeps.]
[Poot!.]
[Clang!.]
Am Idead? [Crackle!.]
Ooh! My ankies are broken! No! My dreams of being a professional power walker are Hi.
[Ting!.]
I'm God.
Say hi back to me.
- Uh hi.
- Good.
So, you're about to enter a place that was created for the corniest cornballs and lamest lames of all creation.
A sanctuary for hopeless suckers and basketball-playing spazzes who get crossed over in pickup games.
A haven where you spend all day and all night praisin' [chuckle.]
me.
You're about to enter [Chimes.]
Milwaukee.
Oh.
Tight? Anyway, enjoy your stay.
And, in closing, welcome to [chimes.]
Milwaukee.
You [bshh.]
live here now.
[Whoosh!.]
[Warbling.]
Whoa! Hey, the name is Webster, but, you know, everybody call me Web, you know what I'm saying? I mean, they don't, but it'd be real cool if they did, though, you know what I'm saying? Anyhow, I'm the mayor of Milwaukee and I'm also the assistant cereal-aisle manager at Musty's.
Mind you, that's only 'cause I turned down a NBA contract with the Bucks.
Problem was, you know, they ain't have enough bucks to afford your boy Web, you know what I'm saying? So, I said, [bshh.]
that and got a job at the drugstore.
Wow! That was your only option? Nah, I had options, now.
[chuckle.]
I mean Jo-Ann's Fabrics wanted my ass, bad.
But I'm allergic to yellow yarn and [bshh.]
so, you know, I couldn't deal with that, but, anyways, let's get these ankles of yours unbroke.
[Crackle.]
Aah! Ooh! Ah! Here's a Welcome to the Neighborhood basket.
[Chomp!.]
Oh, yeah, that's dirt.
Close enough.
I mean, it's a garbie sandwich.
Everybody else, they like to eat dirt.
That's some powerfully sad shit.
No long faces, pimp.
It may be hard, at first, but, eventually, you'll lower your standards and get used to it.
Ha! That's what she said.
[Gasp!.]
[Clattering.]
That is the most high-larious joke I have ever heard in my high-larious life.
Outside of the stuff I be saying, you know.
That's what she said.
[Crickets chirping.]
[Cough.]
That's what she said.
[Suspenseful chord strikes.]
[Applause.]
Ha! You know what? You ain't no loser, after all.
No, you're a pretty cool dude.
You must've had all kinda cool friends where you come from.
[Warbling.]
[Tranquil tune plays.]
I'm definitely an extremely talented person.
Hey, you guys remember Stupid Horse? Can't say I do.
Oh, I must've made him up, then.
Oh.
Damn.
I think we're outta cereal.
No cereal? We can't watch "Blue Bloods," if we don't got no damn cereal.
Stupid Horse usually gets it.
So, he is real.
All right.
So, where the hell do we get cereal? Yeti, could you check Dorco? [Beeping.]
[Ding!.]
It says here that cereal comes from the supermarket.
There's a Musty's right downtown.
Nah, you don't wanna mess with Musty's.
I've been to one before.
That's where I lost my best friend, Ralph Macchio.
So many lost homeys.
Wallace, Infinit Moscles, Slime [Horn playing "La Cucaracha".]
Yo, we can't hear you! We're already in the car! And now, appearing for his 17th consecutive showing today, the one, true, rude dude from Saskatchewan, North Carolina, I assu-m-m-me Stupid Ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-rse! That's what she said That's what she said [Clapping.]
Say, say, say, say, say Say, say, say, say, say, yeah! Ha! [Faint warbling.]
Yes! Amazin', isn't he, folks? Hope y'all having a good time.
So, Stupid Horse is about to take a 47-minute break.
In the meantime, I'm about to proceed to fart into the microphone.
Shut the [bshh.]
up! We want Cool Horse to talk! [Feedback whines.]
You know, I really appreciate all the love, but, you guys are all right, too.
What the [bshh.]
is this spinna talking 'bout? I'm just saying, [Poot!.]
everyone's capable of doing the cool things I do.
Y'all can be so much more than just Milwaukeeans.
You're telling us not to eat the dirty sammich? You don't have to eat the dirt sandwich.
[Clapping.]
[Thud!.]
Aah! No more Dirt sandwiches, ow! Man, how in the hell was I afraid of this place? Musty's is amazing! [Chomp!.]
Truly is.
Stupid Horse been doing the groceries for years and bringing home the worst cereal.
How could he skip these? Dude is physically incapable of having the right idea.
Who's Stupid Horse, again? Yo, for real, for real, Imma need to know who's paying for all this cereal.
Ralph, is that you?! I thought you were dead! Dead? [laughs.]
Heck, nah.
I'm the cereal-aisle manager at your local Musty's.
Cereal-aisle manager? Wait, what? Hold on.
You stopped hanging out with me to manage a damn cereal aisle?! You goddamn right, I did.
This gig right here? This gig right here?! comes with a great healthcare package.
Damn, Daniel-son, that's amazing.
It's really great to see you alive and well, man.
Hope you enjoy cleaning the cereal aisle.
So, Imma need y'all to hold up because y'all paying for all this cereal.
Paying? That's disgusting.
I will not be doing that.
I can't believe you, Ralph! You used to be my most bestest friend! How much do we owe you, Mr.
Cereal-aisle Manager? Um Yo, Canon, you mind reaching into my back pocket and grabbing that calculator? It'd be greatly appreciated on my end.
[music faintly.]
Oh, you think you can just moonwalk outta here?! Y'all gonna put some respect on my cereal aisle! [Door opens, bell chimes.]
[Wheels squeaking.]
This ain't no way to live, man.
I can't spend my life stealing from the cereal aisle.
I ain't no halfway crook.
My cereal aisle will be respected! [Bloop!.]
So, every time we want cereal, we gotta pay for it? That right there is a scam! Yeah, this is stressing me out way too much.
This is Stupid Horse's work.
We have to get him back from Milwaukee.
Uh, not Milwaukee.
That's where the lames are.
If a bunch of old folks ate a gang of even older eggs and then gathered around in an ancient circle and held a vintage farting contest, that's what Milwaukee smells like.
[laughs.]
I could do this all day, but we do gotta go.
[Adventure music.]
- I already hate it here.
- Hey, you guys.
Look in the direction my hand is pointing.
I guess it's too late.
Homey turned into a statue.
No, that's a Stupid Statue of a Stupid Horse.
I'm Stupid Horse.
What is going on here? I found my own circle of dudes.
And they even named me the greatest of all dudes.
The G-o-d.
[laughs.]
Ohhh! So, you are the Stupid Horse.
Okay, well, it's time to tell your stupid subjects "peace.
" - Let's get outta here.
- Hell to the nah-nah-nah.
I kinda got a good thing going on here now.
Yeah, but we need you! Y'all just need me to get your favorite cereal, Puffy Kombs! Yeah, no, [bshh.]
It's a dangerous game and I have no shame in admitting that I'm not about that life.
Well, sorry, gang, but I finally found my lane.
I'm G-o-d Of Milwaukee Is ya with me? [chanting.]
G-o-d! G-o-d! Louder We down with G-o-d! G-o-d! Can't hear you! G-o-d! G-o-d! G-o-d! Ahhhh! My ankies! G-o-d! G-o-d! - Ha ha! - G-o-d! Yo, that's what I'm talking about! Cool Horse is the new ruler of the Wauk! - G-o-d! - G-o-d! - G-o-d! - G-o-d! G-o! Who dares summon me during the "Blue Bloods"? Oh! [Poot!.]
Yo, what's up, Wallace? Yo, what's good, Canon? You know the homey hates being interrupted during "Blue Bloods.
" Actually, we were not calling you, 'cause, see, my boy Super Cool Horse right here, got us feeling all like good and [bshh.]
so we started chanting his name all loud.
But you know, he kind of cool, like you, but way, [chuckling.]
way cooler, though.
Way, way cooler.
Someone cooler than me?! In Milwaukee?! [Zap!.]
[Suspenseful music.]
I gave you your own land, with only one requirement: The never-ending, ceaseless praising of me.
And I come here to catch you praising someone else?! [Zap!.]
[Sniff.]
Show me the face of this fool whom you praise.
[Blurp!.]
Any last words, before I beat you in the face with my wrath? Uh that's what she said? [Suspenseful chord strikes.]
[Laughing.]
That was pretty good.
See, that that's what I've been trying to tell you, man.
That's my boy, yo.
[Zapping.]
Shut the [bshh.]
up, Web! Hey, Fool Horse? Heh.
You funny.
Too funny for this shit-hole.
You have earned your freedom.
Ho-Hold on, Stupid Horse.
Now, I know you not just gonna leave me, just hanging? - Please, please, man.
- Okay, the truth is, I really do [bshh.]
hate it here.
Everyone smells like fresh ear holes.
Ew.
Stupid Horse! Don't leave us here! I mean, don't leave me here! [laughs.]
This is just way, way too much for me to take! Come on, now! I can't take it, man! I can't take it! [wearily.]
That's what she said.
[Bloop!.]
You telling me he couldn't catch that? - I blasted it right in his mouth! - That's what she said.
[Laughing.]
Y'all done? 'Cause we down a player.
Hey, Lazor Wulf.
Hey.
[sigh.]
Guess we'll just have to forfeit.
I think you missed me up there, but, I can play.
Stupid Horse, if you play, then who's gonna wave - the very important Stupid Flag? - My arms are tired and I'm sick of waving [bshh.]
Your boy is ready to throw some hoops! You must be out your damn mind, my dude.
Don't touch that ball.
Look, man.
We all got our lanes and, when it comes to basketball, specifically, you just happen to be outside of the lane.
[Applause.]
Pbbt! Outside the lanes? I'll show you.
These balls? These balls right here? Will be dribbled.
[singsong.]
That's what she said.
No, that's what I said.
Man, these things are so much bigger up close.
That's what she You know what? Never mind.
It's not even fun no more.
Good, 'cause that was getting very annoying.
Look, Stupid Horse, the bottom line is that basketball is just too dangerous for you.
Sorry, can't hear you over the sound of all this cool Dribble Dutchin' I'm doin'.
Ah.
This is some white-horse [bshh.]
We're gonna lose big, man.
[Bshh.]
it! Let's just play.
[Suspenseful music.]
Everyone, stand back! I got this.
I call this move Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs.
[Whoosh!.]
Aaaah! My ankies! [Monitor beeps.]
[Poot!.]
[Clang!.]
Am Idead? [Crackle!.]
Ooh! My ankies are broken! No! My dreams of being a professional power walker are Hi.
[Ting!.]
I'm God.
Say hi back to me.
- Uh hi.
- Good.
So, you're about to enter a place that was created for the corniest cornballs and lamest lames of all creation.
A sanctuary for hopeless suckers and basketball-playing spazzes who get crossed over in pickup games.
A haven where you spend all day and all night praisin' [chuckle.]
me.
You're about to enter [Chimes.]
Milwaukee.
Oh.
Tight? Anyway, enjoy your stay.
And, in closing, welcome to [chimes.]
Milwaukee.
You [bshh.]
live here now.
[Whoosh!.]
[Warbling.]
Whoa! Hey, the name is Webster, but, you know, everybody call me Web, you know what I'm saying? I mean, they don't, but it'd be real cool if they did, though, you know what I'm saying? Anyhow, I'm the mayor of Milwaukee and I'm also the assistant cereal-aisle manager at Musty's.
Mind you, that's only 'cause I turned down a NBA contract with the Bucks.
Problem was, you know, they ain't have enough bucks to afford your boy Web, you know what I'm saying? So, I said, [bshh.]
that and got a job at the drugstore.
Wow! That was your only option? Nah, I had options, now.
[chuckle.]
I mean Jo-Ann's Fabrics wanted my ass, bad.
But I'm allergic to yellow yarn and [bshh.]
so, you know, I couldn't deal with that, but, anyways, let's get these ankles of yours unbroke.
[Crackle.]
Aah! Ooh! Ah! Here's a Welcome to the Neighborhood basket.
[Chomp!.]
Oh, yeah, that's dirt.
Close enough.
I mean, it's a garbie sandwich.
Everybody else, they like to eat dirt.
That's some powerfully sad shit.
No long faces, pimp.
It may be hard, at first, but, eventually, you'll lower your standards and get used to it.
Ha! That's what she said.
[Gasp!.]
[Clattering.]
That is the most high-larious joke I have ever heard in my high-larious life.
Outside of the stuff I be saying, you know.
That's what she said.
[Crickets chirping.]
[Cough.]
That's what she said.
[Suspenseful chord strikes.]
[Applause.]
Ha! You know what? You ain't no loser, after all.
No, you're a pretty cool dude.
You must've had all kinda cool friends where you come from.
[Warbling.]
[Tranquil tune plays.]
I'm definitely an extremely talented person.
Hey, you guys remember Stupid Horse? Can't say I do.
Oh, I must've made him up, then.
Oh.
Damn.
I think we're outta cereal.
No cereal? We can't watch "Blue Bloods," if we don't got no damn cereal.
Stupid Horse usually gets it.
So, he is real.
All right.
So, where the hell do we get cereal? Yeti, could you check Dorco? [Beeping.]
[Ding!.]
It says here that cereal comes from the supermarket.
There's a Musty's right downtown.
Nah, you don't wanna mess with Musty's.
I've been to one before.
That's where I lost my best friend, Ralph Macchio.
So many lost homeys.
Wallace, Infinit Moscles, Slime [Horn playing "La Cucaracha".]
Yo, we can't hear you! We're already in the car! And now, appearing for his 17th consecutive showing today, the one, true, rude dude from Saskatchewan, North Carolina, I assu-m-m-me Stupid Ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-rse! That's what she said That's what she said [Clapping.]
Say, say, say, say, say Say, say, say, say, say, yeah! Ha! [Faint warbling.]
Yes! Amazin', isn't he, folks? Hope y'all having a good time.
So, Stupid Horse is about to take a 47-minute break.
In the meantime, I'm about to proceed to fart into the microphone.
Shut the [bshh.]
up! We want Cool Horse to talk! [Feedback whines.]
You know, I really appreciate all the love, but, you guys are all right, too.
What the [bshh.]
is this spinna talking 'bout? I'm just saying, [Poot!.]
everyone's capable of doing the cool things I do.
Y'all can be so much more than just Milwaukeeans.
You're telling us not to eat the dirty sammich? You don't have to eat the dirt sandwich.
[Clapping.]
[Thud!.]
Aah! No more Dirt sandwiches, ow! Man, how in the hell was I afraid of this place? Musty's is amazing! [Chomp!.]
Truly is.
Stupid Horse been doing the groceries for years and bringing home the worst cereal.
How could he skip these? Dude is physically incapable of having the right idea.
Who's Stupid Horse, again? Yo, for real, for real, Imma need to know who's paying for all this cereal.
Ralph, is that you?! I thought you were dead! Dead? [laughs.]
Heck, nah.
I'm the cereal-aisle manager at your local Musty's.
Cereal-aisle manager? Wait, what? Hold on.
You stopped hanging out with me to manage a damn cereal aisle?! You goddamn right, I did.
This gig right here? This gig right here?! comes with a great healthcare package.
Damn, Daniel-son, that's amazing.
It's really great to see you alive and well, man.
Hope you enjoy cleaning the cereal aisle.
So, Imma need y'all to hold up because y'all paying for all this cereal.
Paying? That's disgusting.
I will not be doing that.
I can't believe you, Ralph! You used to be my most bestest friend! How much do we owe you, Mr.
Cereal-aisle Manager? Um Yo, Canon, you mind reaching into my back pocket and grabbing that calculator? It'd be greatly appreciated on my end.
[music faintly.]
Oh, you think you can just moonwalk outta here?! Y'all gonna put some respect on my cereal aisle! [Door opens, bell chimes.]
[Wheels squeaking.]
This ain't no way to live, man.
I can't spend my life stealing from the cereal aisle.
I ain't no halfway crook.
My cereal aisle will be respected! [Bloop!.]
So, every time we want cereal, we gotta pay for it? That right there is a scam! Yeah, this is stressing me out way too much.
This is Stupid Horse's work.
We have to get him back from Milwaukee.
Uh, not Milwaukee.
That's where the lames are.
If a bunch of old folks ate a gang of even older eggs and then gathered around in an ancient circle and held a vintage farting contest, that's what Milwaukee smells like.
[laughs.]
I could do this all day, but we do gotta go.
[Adventure music.]
- I already hate it here.
- Hey, you guys.
Look in the direction my hand is pointing.
I guess it's too late.
Homey turned into a statue.
No, that's a Stupid Statue of a Stupid Horse.
I'm Stupid Horse.
What is going on here? I found my own circle of dudes.
And they even named me the greatest of all dudes.
The G-o-d.
[laughs.]
Ohhh! So, you are the Stupid Horse.
Okay, well, it's time to tell your stupid subjects "peace.
" - Let's get outta here.
- Hell to the nah-nah-nah.
I kinda got a good thing going on here now.
Yeah, but we need you! Y'all just need me to get your favorite cereal, Puffy Kombs! Yeah, no, [bshh.]
It's a dangerous game and I have no shame in admitting that I'm not about that life.
Well, sorry, gang, but I finally found my lane.
I'm G-o-d Of Milwaukee Is ya with me? [chanting.]
G-o-d! G-o-d! Louder We down with G-o-d! G-o-d! Can't hear you! G-o-d! G-o-d! G-o-d! Ahhhh! My ankies! G-o-d! G-o-d! - Ha ha! - G-o-d! Yo, that's what I'm talking about! Cool Horse is the new ruler of the Wauk! - G-o-d! - G-o-d! - G-o-d! - G-o-d! G-o! Who dares summon me during the "Blue Bloods"? Oh! [Poot!.]
Yo, what's up, Wallace? Yo, what's good, Canon? You know the homey hates being interrupted during "Blue Bloods.
" Actually, we were not calling you, 'cause, see, my boy Super Cool Horse right here, got us feeling all like good and [bshh.]
so we started chanting his name all loud.
But you know, he kind of cool, like you, but way, [chuckling.]
way cooler, though.
Way, way cooler.
Someone cooler than me?! In Milwaukee?! [Zap!.]
[Suspenseful music.]
I gave you your own land, with only one requirement: The never-ending, ceaseless praising of me.
And I come here to catch you praising someone else?! [Zap!.]
[Sniff.]
Show me the face of this fool whom you praise.
[Blurp!.]
Any last words, before I beat you in the face with my wrath? Uh that's what she said? [Suspenseful chord strikes.]
[Laughing.]
That was pretty good.
See, that that's what I've been trying to tell you, man.
That's my boy, yo.
[Zapping.]
Shut the [bshh.]
up, Web! Hey, Fool Horse? Heh.
You funny.
Too funny for this shit-hole.
You have earned your freedom.
Ho-Hold on, Stupid Horse.
Now, I know you not just gonna leave me, just hanging? - Please, please, man.
- Okay, the truth is, I really do [bshh.]
hate it here.
Everyone smells like fresh ear holes.
Ew.
Stupid Horse! Don't leave us here! I mean, don't leave me here! [laughs.]
This is just way, way too much for me to take! Come on, now! I can't take it, man! I can't take it! [wearily.]
That's what she said.