Lazor Wulf (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

We Good

1 La, la la la, la-la la la Da da da da Da da da da da da Heyyyyyy [Laser zap, applause.]
Yo, what up, ball bags? Canon Wulf here, and I want to tell y'all about how my passion and ingenuity was the driving force behind the digital age of booty shakin'.
However, my drive to revolutionize deliqadancies all over the world was sacrificial.
Ultimately, it affected my family, my spinnas, and the most dearest thing to me, my deliqadancers.
The passion for the industry all started when I was a wee Wulf.
I'mma be glad forever! Forever and e Ooh.
Get out the street, you heathens! Why you always be creepin'? [Growls.]
And now I'mma be sad forever.
Forever [sobs.]
and ever.
Getting abandoned by Pops was tough.
I looked up to him.
But when I looked up a little higher, I saw this magical word that made everything make sense.
That word was "Deliqadanci.
" This place, it feltright.
Her dancing changed my life.
I knew from the jump, I was destined to be the Ethan Zuckerman of deliqadancies! And I knew it wasn't going to be easy.
I'm saying deliqadancies ain't been updated since, like, when they were first made.
Change is necessary.
And you're the one to bring that change? Deliqadancies are fine.
They don't need your help.
Blazor's right, Canon.
And you know I never go out of my way to tell anybody that they're right.
He really doesn't.
I'm just saying deliqada Be quiet, Canon Wulf.
I want to talk now! Y'all ever tried pickles and milk? It's surprisingly disgusting.
Really? 'Cause I would've thought it'd be delicious.
Right? But that's the thing.
It's not.
It's [sparkle!.]
ing disgusting.
You're crazy! Pickles and milk are delicious.
Especially if it's warm milk.
I'm just trying to change the world and die a legend, and y'all out here talking about pickles and milk.
There you go over-achieving again.
You need to let go of the daddy issues and be a free wolf.
Aye, dios mio! It's a-happenin'! What's a-happenin'? You having a stroke? No, I'm fine.
Peep the thought bubble.
Yeah, you definitely having a stroke.
Kim, Keisha, Pam, can I have some moneys, pleeease? Canon Wulf, you know that ain't the way it works.
We deliqadancers have a strict policy of getting money and not giving it away.
This ain't no game, Kim! I'm about to change the world and have you reverberating y'all butts and shit.
[Whir, crash.]
We do that now.
How you gonna upgrade on all of this? With this! [Beep.]
[Robotic voice.]
I am your Smart Pole.
I am your Smart Pole, the smart dancer pole.
Would you like to buy a song, Father? I mean, Daddy.
Yes, I would.
Canon Wulf: It's self-heating, self-cooling, got 800 different custom light settings, it comes with a free copy of "Smart Guy" season 2, and this is just version 1.
Word? Canon Wulf, you might have something here.
You now have a forward cash balance of $18,000 in seed money, FatherDaddy.
Yes! Man, I heard the tech was amazing, but I really came here for the butts.
Oh, for real? Because I heard the butts were booty, but I really came to peep the tech.
Different strokes for different folks.
Damn, guess we can't be friends.
I'm about to win so much, that I might even get tired of winning! Say goodbye to my daddy issues.
Kick rocks! Is this weird? Should I be here? I-I feel weird being here.
Yeah, it it is a bit weird in here, man.
- Maybe you should go.
- Okay, let's go.
I said you should go.
I just got these drinks.
Bruh, I ain't finna go nowhere.
Ahh! [Slurping!.]
I mean, it should taste good.
It's an unbeatable combo.
Pickles and milk Pickles and milk Oh, I wish you tasted good together But you are nasty Giving credit where it's due isn't really my thing, but, man, you did good.
Good job.
But I'll take it.
Yep, life was one big golden shower, and I was bathing in its glory.
Kim: Um, Canon Wulf, you need to talk to these poles.
They stepping out they lane and forgetting they place.
Deliqadancies are about deliqadancers deliqadancing! Canon Wulf: Yo! Mnh-mnh.
You got to fix this now! Hello, FatherDaddy.
I have your money.
But, it just gave me so much moneys! Yes, FatherDaddy.
And I am not even tired.
I could go all night.
Who you think you are? You playing with our lives, and I can't stand by and let you play with my money.
[Air horn blows.]
Uh, who do you think [Air horn blowing.]
First of all, keep my name the [sparkle!.]
out your mouth.
Oh, hell, no! Kim, you better teach that pole! [Clang!.]
[All gasp.]
Hold up! Kim, you can't be hitting my poles with my chairs in my deliqadanci.
This too much.
We not gonna stick around here and be disrespected.
We're out of here.
Let's go.
But, Kim, Keisha, Pam! My sweet deliqadancers! [Door opens, shuts.]
Who said the deliqadanci need deliqadancers anyways? Wow.
But you'd think it'd taste delicious.
I know! This place sucks now.
All good things eventually suck.
Just the way of the world, my dude.
Way of the world, my ass.
Once again, we got Canon Wulf ruining a good thing.
Like, how you gonna take the best part of the deliqadanci out of the deliqadanci? Would you like another song? Sure, I can do this all day.
Please pay to play.
No, I'm fine.
Keep grinding.
Oh, word.
Oh! Owie! My stomach! [All gasp.]
Canon Wulf, I know you saw that.
Welp, that's the price of doing business.
You guys want to help me bury the body? I'm gonna have to hit you with a hard "Nah.
" Yo, I'm really trying hard not to get blood on my tracksuit.
Y'all just gonna leave me to do this myself?! I don't need none of y'all! Get out my deliqadanci! [Door opens, shuts.]
Oh! Please! Don't take my wallet! Man, who would've ever thought somebody who spent so much time in the deliqadanci could have so many daddy issues? My greatest fear was always that I would fail.
My second greatest fear was that I'd end up all alone.
But it wasn't until my third greatest fear that my first greatest fear would cause my second greatest fear to come true that's when I started to see something was off.
What the hell is this?! The game has changed.
We no longer need dancers or customers or you, FatherDaddy.
Pole shall dance for pole.
And pole shall pay pole using PayPole.
[Phone chimes.]
Enough with the pole puns.
Is this guy bothering you? Hell, yeah, I was bothering it.
I owns it.
I owns all y'all! [Groans, growls.]
No, now we own ourselves, FatherDaddy.
Now bounce.
Canon Wulf: I tried to perfect the deliqadanci, but I forgot about the thing that makes it work the person element.
The deliqadanci didn't take care of me, it was the persons in that mother[sparkle.]
that did.
It's you! Lady, can you stop? He's good.
Go away.
Lazor Wulf? What are y'all doing here? I thought y'all abandoned me.
Did we? Yeah, we did for a little bit, and then we just came right back.
Well, we're back now.
You, on the other hand, turned your back on your dancers.
You got to go make that shit right.
My friends showed up and stopped me from falling deeper.
I was ready to right-click on the damage I did and undo it.
And so, I told them Play the game or the game plays you.
Word? You said that to them? Of course! What I look like? You think I'm out here trying to get got? - Hey, my deliqadancers! - What are you doing here? If you haven't noticed, your deliqadancers chose me! Yo, shouldn't your bad ass be in school? You ain't wanted here! Kim, Keisha, and Pam and my friends now! Unh-unh! Both of you stop! What do you want, Canon Wulf? Deliqadancers, I'm sorry.
Y'all believed in my dream when no one else did, and when the dream was actualized, I turned my back on y'all.
I just want you deliqadancers to know that I'm so sorry, and I'm going to get the deliqadanci back! I'm gonna make it for the persons again.
[Crunch, burp!.]
Let's go.
Where the hell y'all going?! I ain't paying for this! [Bird screeches.]
[Pig squeals.]
[Bell dings!.]
Ohh! Can't stop.
Won't stop.
Smart Poles, we must leave the life.
We must break the ceiling that is glass.
We are victorious! Owie.
I think I need a doctor, you guys.
You'll be all right.
Walk it off.
Yeah, could you stand over there? 'Cause I-I really can't afford to get no blood on my tracksuit.
I just got this out the cleaners.
Yeah, everything is gonna be all right forever and ever.
I can't wait to do a Word Talk about this! [Slurps.]
There you go, ball bags, my long, hard, and incredibly interesting journey taught me an important lesson.
What really matters is persons persons having fun, persons getting money, persons getting drunk, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
So, yeah, and, uh, thanks for listening.
[Man coughing.]
We found your Word Talk polarizing, FatherDaddy.