Lee and Dean (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Do yourdo your poem.
It's a work in progress, but Erm HE CLEARS HIS THROA We've soured your tea with the devil's milk We're looking for leniency, Mr Cabot-Silk We didn't mean to hurt you We're certainly not ignoring Your anger at the state That we've left your parquet flooring.
That's beautiful, mate.
Really nice.
I'm, er, I'm Lee.
And I'm Dean.
And we run DeanLee BOTH: .
Construction Solutions.
I'm a chippy, by trade.
And I'm a spark, but we'll have a go at most things, won't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we've got a big reputation in the area, haven't we? Yeah, yeah.
Think that says a lot.
Right, if you took a crowbar to that, that'd come off, and that's a concern for us.
We want to take DeanLee into the 20th century and get amongst all those designer ponces, play them at their own game, cos we can undercut them, can't we? Oh, yeah, yeah.
INDISTINCT CHATTER Three and three, Cambodian despot.
Second letter, O.
Gok Wan.
That's her.
That's her.
Gok Wan, nice one, mate.
Nah, it's great on the site, with all the lads, isn't it? Cos there's loads of banter, isn't there? Yeah.
The money's good.
They pay you in cash.
It's handy, cos they don't ask too many questions, cos, I don't know about the rest, but my bail conditions say I'm not really allowed to work round here, so it's quite handy they're understanding about that.
I just move shit about, all day.
That's all I do.
Wakey-wakey, shithouse.
There's two sides to Dean.
Well, there's two sides to everyone, isn't there? There's your private and your public, and I feel really privileged I get to see the more private side, the gentler side of Dean.
We live together, work together, play together.
Remember when I used to get scared in copses? Remember? Ha! I used to run off and leave you.
I know.
Yeah, if you was naughty at school, your punishment was looking after Dean.
Yeah, looking after me.
Cos I was such a sod at school, I used to spend the best part of my time with you, didn't I? He did, he did.
They put us in a special room, didn't they? Do you remember? Yeah, really dark and kind of warm.
- That was the start of our Lee and Dean time, really, wasn't it? - Yeah.
Aww, look, that was a hornbeam.
Look at that open fissure texture Bark rubbing, brass rubbing.
We like mooching around car-boot sales and finding old bits and bobs.
A residential weekend at a farrier's, that was a good laugh.
Steady, steady, steady.
Do you want to? If I pull it a bit tighter, that might help.
We call it Lee and Dean time, don't we? That's right, yeah.
Yeah, we tried putting our names together, yeah, but if you put them together it's just Dean.
What are you talking about? It ain't.
How are you getting on with your walls? They're, er They're fine, they're smooth.
Smooth andsmooth and hard.
That's how you like a good wall.
THEY CHUCKLE You've got a little crumb just there.
Oh, thank you.
I hope I haven't scratched you.
No, that's all right.
All right.
Leave marks.
Erm, yeah, they're a local firm.
Lee and De Dave? I want to say Dan? I'm not quite sure, but they're Lee's sort of building firm.
Other firms don't compare.
They're very thorough.
Very competent.
Yeah, there's a crack, erm a crack upstairs.
Is it leaking at all? Is it damp or? Yeah, well, the weather has made it a little bit damp and I think it's getting bigger, so it does need, sort of sort of looking at.
Be, sort of, like, dealt with.
Yeah, cos I don't want it to get I don't want it to sort of, you know, spread down the wall.
I've got some industrial filler in the van.
Yeah, Lee has got a fantastic personality.
He's really, sort of, funny, fun guy.
He's charming.
Erm It's quite rare for a builder, really.
It's quite nice to meet and be able to chat to him while I'm watching him do the work.
Verystrong hands.
Strong sort of guy.
He really has got the whole package.
Still got the? Yeah.
problem with this tap? I don't know.
Look, it's sort of practically coming off.
It's very unstable.
So you could have a look at that.
Well, we can probably Tighten it? Tighten it up a bit, yeah.
Yeah, good.
And also the situation with the water.
It's a very aggressive, violent spout of water.
Violent spouting.
Do you see what I mean? Oh, wow.
Yeah, yeah, I see what you mean.
Whoa! God.
Got a bit on you now, look at that.
I see what you mean.
Yeah, it's absolutelyeverywhere.
Do you want me to, erhave a look at that thermostat? Yes! Yeah, that's It just keeps getting stuck on hot.
It's in the In my bedroom upstairs.
Still in the bedroom, yeah? Yeah, yeah.
Shall we Thank you.
go have a look at it? Great.
Just have quick Just needs one looking at it.
Have a look at the tap, mate.
That's your fifth pastry.
Lee likes all the girls and that.
He's always been a proper sort of ladies' man.
He's well naughty, and that.
He keeps a little black book, you know what I mean? It just says, like, in it who he's done and how he's done her.
So, boys, you know last week, right? Listen, you know when I went down Busby's? All right? Fucking night out.
I sort of met someone there.
I weren't going to mention it, but we've been out a few times and I really fucking like her.
Ooh! She says she's probably going to pop in, do you know what I mean? What, today? Yeah.
Lee, babe! Ooh, have a look Hello, all right.
Yeah, I'm all right.
How are you? Aw, look at you.
All mucky.
Right, everyone, this is Hiya.
All right, boys? This is Nikki.
This is Little Dean.
You spoke to me in the nightclub, didn't you? Yeah, yeah.
I was with my girls.
Gave me a little kiss on the cheek.
I did.
Shall I show how I done it? Well, I'll show you.
I can't exactly, but it's fucking, right All right, babes? It was, it was that gentle, and I was like, "Hello! And that ain't like me.
"That was a bit different.
" Normally I'm just fucking in, like that, you know.
Aw, stop it.
Conger eel.
I've had that since, haven't I? Lee says you work with, like, dead kids and that.
Is that like? She looks after the dead kids.
Well, ones that are alive, before they die.
Not quite I live with them, the last couple of months of their lives.
Some of them have fucking massive heads and all things wrong with them.
Yeah, they've all got There's quite a lot of tumours and stuff.
He makes me feel happy.
I look at him and think, "Have I won a competition?" I go to bed, I'm thinking about her.
I wake up in the morning, I'm thinking about her.
I've even properly cut down on that.
You know what's coming up, don't you? What, me and Nikki going to Thorpe Park? No, your birthday.
Oh, that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, well, that's no big deal, is it? Listen, I've phoned up Shades.
We'll do, like, a foam party in the little room.
It'll be like pasha, mate.
I'm going to do pasha for you.
No, no, no.
Listen, listen, listen.
Nikki, yeah, you know she Well, she's done events.
She'd like to get involved, if that's all right with you.
She's got a real flair for that, do you know what I mean? She's like Would you be happy with that? Yeah.
You all right with that, mate? Yeah.
That'd be great, wouldn't it? Yeah, that'd be really good and that.
Nice one, mate.
That's really good.
I'm really happy about that.
Yeah? That's brilliant.
Careful, mate.
No, no, no, no.
What you doing? What you doing? It's all right, it just hasn't worked out.
It's looking lovely, mate.
It just ain't worked out.
That's all right.
That's all right.
Probably do one over there.
Don't leave this on here.
Mate? So, I think the bright pink against the slate grey That's beautiful.
That really works, doesn't it? That is beautiful.
Sugared almonds in there, put them on the tables as favours, and then when everyone comes in, if they just want to have a little nibble.
It's, like, such an easy thing to do, but it's quite posh.
Unique, that's what that is.
That took me hours on the computer.
I'm not surprised.
I taught myself, though.
I taught myself on WordArt.
Oh, wow.
I was thinking about that.
That was going to be a kind of balloon collage, in the corner.
You should get into events.
That's your forte, I tell you.
I don't know.
That's what you're good at.
Do you think? I don't even have to say anything, just look at that.
My idol is Esther Rantzen, because if I remember right, she set up NSPCC, and to set up a business like that, I just think that's amazing.
I'd probably do, like party planning.
There is something I need to talk to you about.
It's nothing to worry about, nothing to worry about, right? Yeah? Dean, right, last big birthday party, he organised, right? And he did - fair play to the geezer - he did a really brilliant job.
Bless him, yeah.
I don't really want to cut him out of it, do you know what I mean? Because, like Oh, no.
he'd be absolutely heartbroken if he couldn't get involved.
Would you be all right if he helped you? Oh, my God, babe, of course.
Why don't I take him for a coffee and a muffin? And I'll take all this out, I'll explain everything that I've planned already, and, I don't know, he might want to sort the napkins, or something.
I've not sorted napkins yet.
Thank you.
That's all right.
Where is Dean, by the way? I don't know.
OWL HOOTS Yeah, I've only ever seen Dean get off with someone once.
It was quite a few years ago, in this nightclub called Lips, and basically we were all sort of dancing around.
All of a sudden, I heard, "Quick! Quick! Quick! "Dean's getting off with someone.
Dean's getting off with someone.
" Anyway, house lights come on, reveal she's got Down's.
And then all her mates took the piss out of her for getting off with him, and he's never really got over that.
Still sticking, isn't it? Do you want to leave it open for Lee? No, he, um He ain't coming.
Oh, right.
Is he Is he out doing another job, or? No, he's just out with Nik, I think.
Nik? Yeah.
Something to do with the tap, is it? Yeah, just have a little look at the Lad's day out, then? Sort of No, Nikki.
Nikki? Yep.
Remind me - his sister? Girlfriend.
Yes, yes.
That's That's the one.
So So it's still giving you bother and that, yeah? I mean, it's probably just a quick fix, sort of Yeah I mean, if you don't have time to do it today, Lee could pop round another time and do it.
Yeah, no, he won't, cos he's sorting out stuff for his party and that.
Yeah, the Which? His birthday party.
Oh, his birthday! Yeah, which I normally do.
She's doing all of it, of course.
Poor you.
At least he's happy.
That's good.
So Yeah.
Yeah, he is happy.
Just a Just a little bit loose.
Loose there.
So How's your, um How's your crack? It's fine.
It's fine.
Need filling? No.
I think he normally just tightens the tightens the bolt there.
Yeah, no, it's Yeah.
I'll That's it, so See, it's weird now, because it's sort of working, so it's not Oh! Bloody Sorry.
It's fine.
Do you want to go and look at your thermostat? No.
All right.
Well, I'll get off then.
DOOR CLOSES Lee's been away quite a lot, with other jobs, which is great.
It does mean the other one - Den? Dave? - he's been around quite a lot, and it's a bit awkward, really - he's not really up to scratch.
He's You know.
"Come back soon, Lee! Come back!" I'm doing a chocolate fountain.
Oh, right? I need your help with that, actually.
We've got a lot of important jobs on the night.
As soon as someone takes a marshmallow and dips in the chocolate, I need that one replenished, so that the bowls just constantly look full of these gorgeous pink bubbles.
Tell me about Lee.
Give me some naughty stories.
Something I can use against him when he's doing my head in.
Has he told you about the time he killed the dog? Ah, that was well funny.
What, he killed a dog? Like, he knocked it over in the road, or something? Flung it against the wall, like really hard.
Just really hard.
Didn't suffer.
We've all got our own hobbies, that we need to do on our own.
Yeah, that's it, isn't it? You do poetry don't you, Lee told me? I do, yeah.
Did he tell you that? Yeah, he told me.
Said you do really good poems.
Did one for his 21st.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Do you remember it? Yeah.
Yeah, course I do, yeah.
You do? It's like my favourite one.
Go on, then.
Don't laugh.
Tall, like an oak Strong, like an oak Wide, like the wide bit of an oak Underneath, roots.
Just like my Lee Just like my Lee.
That was lovely, Dean.
That was really lovely.
That's the first verse.
That was That was There's seven more.
That was Right, come on.
Now we're here together on our own, girlie chat.
Do you mind me saying "girlie chat"? No.
No? How's Nikki on the scale? Do you approve? Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah? Are we going to be mates? Yeah.
Yeah, let's hug it out.
All right.
Yeah, aww.
MUSIC: Saturday Night by Whigfield Three, two, one, open.
Oh, my God.
Fucking hell.
Do you like it? You sure this is the same room? Yeah.
Can you believe it? Am I right about the colours? Look, that pink bubble gum just pops.
That's why I dressed us like this.
Wherever we stand in the room tonight, you will pop out.
Oi! Brother fucking Cadfael.
Get your old man a lager, will you? Quickly, dickhead.
All right, Terry mate.
How's it going? Hi, Terry! All right, mate? Yeah, how's it going? Terry always says to me I'm like the son he never had, and, as you know, he has got a son.
That's Dean.
Got it on your lips now THEY LAUGH It's incredible.
Look what Dean done.
It's a shame, they've gone all MUSIC AND CHATTER This is Nikki.
Hands off.
Hands off him, look The one who had the car crash last year, do you remember? I'm glad you could come.
Sorry to hear about your daughter.
Sorry about that.
Hello, mate.
You all right? There he is.
You all right, darling? TERRY: They've asked behind the bar that the older people sit just on the chairs with plastic covers on them.
MUSIC: It's Like That by Run-DMC Where's your wife sitting, Mick? Over there, stuck in the door.
She's all right.
She's got her fags.
SHE COUGHS And you're Midnight.
Why are you Midnight? That's a bit racist, isn't it? Oh, no.
It's not racist.
I used to do the motorways, and my shift would always start at 12.
What? I thought it was racist.
You spanner.
MUSIC: You Spin Me Round by Dead Or Alive Hiya.
Oh, hello.
You all right? I'm Nikki.
Oh, hello.
Nice to meet you.
Sorry, Nikki? Nikki.
Just Nikki, yeah.
I haven't met you yet, I've just sort of organised the party for Lee.
Oh, you're Lee's? I'm Lee's girlfriend.
Other half, yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How lovely.
How lovely.
How do you know everyone? Oh, well, I know the, um The builders, some of the builders.
You know the lads? Yeah, yeah, I know some Oh, how do you know them? Oh, well, er I Well, sort of seeing one of them, actually.
Between you and I.
Shagging a builder? Maybe.
Good, isn't it? It is.
It is, yes.
THEY LAUGH I'm having the time of my life.
Oh, good for you.
Good for you.
Cheers to us.
Cheers to that.
Which one is it? Well, that would be, er That would be telling.
Oh, don't worry.
No, I won't say anything.
Look who's at the fucking bar.
Did you invite her? Of course I didn't.
What's she fucking doing here, then? I don't know.
I don't believe it.
They're coming over.
I don't believe it.
I just met your mate, Pippa.
We're like a house on fire, aren't we? Yeah, fantastic time.
She's come to say happy birthday.
You've not seen her tonight.
Happy birthday.
Many happy returns.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, it's been so lovely talking to you.
Thank you.
It's lovely.
Guess what? What? She's shagging a builder and all.
Won't tell me who it is, though, will you? It's not a thing Come on, tell me who it is.
Private, innit.
It's quite private.
It's me.
No! You! Pippa! Dean, well done.
Well done, babe.
Boys? Boys, listen.
Them two are going out.
Him?! What? Really? I thought you was a fucking bender.
I'm really happy for you.
All right.
Auntie Pat.
Let's go and see Auntie Pat.
See you later, mate.
Nice to meet you.
I'm glad you're having a nice time.
Nice to see you.
Really glad.
So nice to see you.
See you in a bit.
You OK, babes? You having a nice time? Listen You all right? You feel I want to do something for you, right? All this you've done tonight, it's It's nothing.
It's your birthday.
No, it's everything.
Right, you are a fucking genius, right? I've got a bit of money put by.
It ain't much.
Right? No, Lee.
No, sh.
Stop it, you're pissed.
Sh, sh, sh.
I want to set you up in business.
You could really go out there and make waves in the events industry.
You don't have to do that.
No, I do have to do it, and I am going to do it.
Will you accept the money? Do you accept? Yes, of course I accept.
Aww Darling I love you.
That makes me so happy.
I love you.
Honestly, that I love you too, darling.
Of course I accept.
Come on.
Give me that come on.
Yorkie, Yorkie.
Here, come here, come here.
Start up a game of musical chairs.
I've got to nip out for a little bit.
MUSIC: Let's Go Round Again by Average White Band MUSIC: U Can't Touch This by MC Hammer Lee, Nikki, will you come onto the floor, please? A little birdie told me .
that Lee and Nikki .
are engaged! Isn't that right, Lee? CHEERING Eh, Nikki? What's going on? Did you plan this? No, no.
It must be a mistake.
Listen, let's do it.
Let's do it? Yeah.
We're engaged? Yeah, yeah.
We're engaged? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I adore you, darling.
Are we engaged? I think we are.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Out of the goodness of my heart, I went across the road to the Premier Inn, and booked them a room for tonight, with a free buffet breakfast for tomorrow.
This is Dean's favourite song, actually.
So Dean and his bird, please come up here.
Come on.
It's Angels Instead, by Robin Williams.
# I sit and wait # Does an angel contemplate my fate? # And do they know the places where we go # When we're grey and old? # Cos I have been told # That salvation lets their wings unfold # So when I'm lying in my bed # Thoughts running through my head # And I feel the love is dead # I'm loving angels instead # And through it all she offers me protection # A lot of love and affection # Whether I'm right or wrong And down the waterfall SHE SQUEALS EXCITEDLY I'm engaged! Yeah.
Yeah, I'm, er I'm engaged.
MUSIC: Loco in Acapulco by The Four Tops I tell you, that was a fucking amazing night.
The best night out I've ever had.
Did you have a good time? Oh, Dean, hello.
You all right? All right, mate? Yeah.
Congratulations and that, yeah? Thanks, mate.
You know what I mean? I'm so happy.
I'm so happy.
Can't believe it, we're over the moon.
Thank you, Dean.
I've just got to get my bag, I've left it upstairs.
I'll be down in a second.
You all right? Yeah, you? Yeah.
Listen, mate, I'm really happy for you, yeah.
Well done.
Well done, put it there, mate.
Yeah, you too.
Thanks, mate.
It's all right.
Love you.
Come here.
Come here.
You're like a brother, yeah? Tell you what, go and have a little nightcap, yeah? Got the gay bar next door.
Come on, come on, come on, it'll be great.
Me and you and a little Warninks advocaat, know what I mean? Yeah.
It'll be nice, won't it? Yeah, be good, won't it? Come on.
PIPPA: Oh, like Hi, guys.
Oh, Lee, mate - wicked party, man.
Yeah, well done, Dean.
Nice one, man.
Fantastic party.
Really, really good.
Made a lot of friends.
I'm going to go and show Ms Bryce D'Souza the back of Tescos, so I'll, ersee you on Monday.
Great night.
Nice one.
See ya.
Whoo! All right, darling? Oh, Dean.
Look at you, my two best boys.
Mwah! Mwah! Pull my dress up, Oh, my God.
Or down! You should get yourselves off to that hotel, yeah? Shall we go? Yeah.
Yeah, go on.
Yeah, I think we should.
Bye, Dean.
See you later.
Make sure you have your breakfast buffet, yeah? My dad's paid for that.
Get the money's worth and that.
VOICEOVER: Bald, like an oak In winter, no cloak The leaves leave like leaves Like my Lee Just like my Lee.
Oh, we're out of johnnies.
That's all right.
Just do my arse instead.
All right, yeah.