Legends of Chamberlain Heights (2016) s01e01 Episode Script


1 [music] [crowd cheering] And now, the starting lineup for your Duncan Blackholes! Grover! Milk! And Jamal! Together, they are Legends.
Get your head in the game, mother[bleep]er! Bunch of goddamn space cadets.
Damn these goddamn Damn, my nigs.
This shit is boringer than a mother[bleep]er! Coach need to put me in the game.
I'd get more highlights than a white girl named Amy.
Shit, that's what I'm talking about, my nigs.
[groans] Heads up, master coming! Come on, y'all, we still in this game! Let's go Duncan! Play some D! - We on offense, you mark-ass nig.
- Oh, shit! [all laughing] Aye, yo, why our cheerleaders looking like Draymond Green? - We go to Duncan! - All: Yeah! And we got tush! - Your team got stretch marks.
- All: What? - And hairy bush! - All: Whoo! Jamal, word on the street is, you and Medina been getting busy in a Burger King bathroom.
Care to comment? Vicious lies.
That's why I don't talk to the media no more.
[sensual music] Hello, hello Yo, G, stop being so thirsty for Cindy.
You know Randy already smashing that potato.
Whaddup, trick? [smooch] That square ain't got swag like me.
I'ma snag his boo at his party.
Please believe.
Our first high school party? You know we gonna beat some cakes.
I'ma be like, "Take it, beezy! Take it, boo! Let me get up in them cheeks!" [laughter] [funky hip-hop music] 1x01 - "Jamallies" Um, should we be taking a shower, my nig? I don't know, my dude.
We ain't get no burn.
And I ain't trying to have these dudes see what I'm working with, anyway.
Next person see my nine gonna be a thot at Randy's party.
My party? Nigga, what? The Freshman shit crew thinks they're getting into the biggest party of the year! [all laughing] [mumbling] new and improved shit.
That's right, Mumblemouth.
Why you all up in our mix, Randy? This don't concern you.
Boy, don't you ever talk to your captain like that again.
And if I see y'all at my party, I'm gonna make y'all clean the dirt stains off my jock strap.
'Cause that's how I do! [laughter] [mumbling] you know what I'm saying? That square ain't got no etiquette.
Man, forget Randy.
We finna dominate that party.
Oh, for shiggy that.
And we gonna be legends, my nig! [groans] What's up, God? It's your boy, Grover.
Now, I don't ask for much, but today I'm asking you to give me the strength to follow in your footsteps.
I know I'm meant to be a legend like you, God, and with your guidance, I'ma be league and smashin' Cindy's vajayjay in no time.
Just make sure a nig get into Randy's party, all right? In LeBron's name I pray.
Aye, little bro, let me hold $5.
Got this iPhone app I'm working on, like "Angry Birds," but birds nice and shit.
Just need somebody to do all the technical nerd shit.
What about that $10 I already gave you so you could buy that land on the moon? You know the moon market crashed! - Just let me hold $5, nigga, damn! - You ask Malik? Man, I got love for little bro-bro, but ain't nobody got time for that little preachy-ass little niglet.
You don't want to hear me preach 'cause you know I be spittin' them truth bullets.
Oh shit.
Here comes Cornel Pest.
[both laughing] You brothers sadden me.
Grover, do not enable this lazy Afro-American by giving him money.
Boy, if you don't get your nappy, little-headed ass to school And memorize those lies in the white man's books? End up like you broke-ass Negroes? Nah, mane.
Somebody got to be a man in this family.
[giggles] Ice cream! So what's good with that Abe ducket, though? Hey, can I get this in singles? I'm tryin' to hit the shake club.
Ain't no way I'm slippin' a bitch a Lincoln.
Jamal! Jamal, wake up, or I'm tellin' momma you failing chemistry! Be gone, bitch! I'm gonna momma you mooned me and cussed! Be gone, bitch! - Push, Medina! - Get yo fat, hairy ass out my face! Aye, don't tell nobody about last night.
Keep that shit on the low-low.
Oh, you think you gonna hit this juicy coochie and then play me to the left? I'ma tell whoever I want.
- You are my man! - Hey look! - They're looting the Sizzler! - Huh? Not without me.
You better call me, Jamal! Mmm, mmm, mmm.
There's just something about that girl.
[hip-hop music] [grunting] Hell yeah, girl.
Give me all that big brown ass.
[pounding on door] Milton, will you turn off the damn jungle music? Man, kiss my black ass, Uncle Joey! Don't make me pull out the strap.
Cut it out with this Uncle Joey nonsense.
Ain't my fault you look like that bitch-ass from "Full House," Uncle Joey.
And I'ma call you Rhianncé, 'cause you finer than both them bitches combined.
What you doin', Uncle Joey? You can't just walk up in here like you own this mother[bleep]er.
I-I do own this this "mother[bleep]er!" Now, I don't want that damn oogedy-boogedy music played in my house, Milk.
Don't come at me like that, Uncle Joey.
You are not the father.
Milk, your friends are down oh, Milky.
Are you masturbating again? Aye, come on, Ma, it ain't even like that! Those hoodlums are in my house? Aye, I found this on your table, so I'm just gonna kill it, if that's cool.
Damn, Milk.
Why you butt-ass naked, homey? All right man, everybody got to get the [bleep] out.
Milk's boo is about to get it doggy style.
[laughs] We appreciate the ride, Ms.
No problem, boys.
Happy to do it.
I'm always happy.
[laughs] Oh! So we goin' to Randy's jam this weekend or what, my dudes? If we can get in.
Randy drinking that Haterade.
Randy can gobble these milk chocolate nuts.
If we don't get into the party, we gonna be squares for life.
Sounds like school hasn't changed.
I bet you was real popular back in the day, weren't you, Mrs.
Milk? [whispers] With them big ass titties.
[laughs] Whoa.
Pump them brakes, homey.
I guess I did okay.
- Got any tips for us? - Yeah, just the tip.
[snickering] Just be yourselves, like me! [laughs] Ooh! I need to make a quick stop.
[music] - What you need, old white woman? - Usual! [music] [laughs] A'ight, keep it movin'.
- Malik, get yo ass to school.
- Why? I already know the one thing I need to know: how to count this paper.
Stay black! A'ight, you stay black, too, broski woski.
I feel you, bro! [Bleep] the police! [music] [sensual music] Hello, hello Oh, oh, oh Let me holler at Cindy right quick.
Yo, you can't just step to the pedestal.
Shit's off limits to freshmen.
Remember when Jank-Eye Jarvis tried to chill and got posted up literally? Please help me, guys.
I could die if I don't get my insulin.
Jank-Eye Jarvis don't bring nothin' to the table.
Watch how a pimp do.
[funky music] What's Gucci, future main boo? I don't know, what's Gu [screams] Where you think you goin', freshman? You think you can just kick it with us? Not you, buster.
Your girl, Cindy.
[crowd exclaiming] [mumbling] some Cindy.
- Legend.
- Never gonna happen, fresh fish! You gets no burn, and you takes no turn.
I also take mark-ass buster's boos.
All: Oh! [laughs] That's how I do.
Shit, you know we got to split Randy's wig for this, right? Let's whoop his ass on Monday, after the party.
[rumbling] Oh, shit.
Medina comin'! Jamal? I said call me, mother[bleep]er! [roars] Welcome to "Jurassic Dark.
" [all laughing] Okay people.
The school board is making us discuss the dangers of drugs with you.
Two cops are here to talk about it.
Listen, don't listen, I don't give a shit.
[inhales deeply] Mmm.
- So you little kids like drugs? - [cheering] Who doesn't? You think a little puff-puff, snort-snort's cool, huh? - Sound like fun? - [cheering] Yeah, I'm high right now.
Well, we'll see how you feel about drugs - after this slide show.
- The [bleep] is a slide show? [inhales deeply] This is Timothy.
Handsome, innocent, smart.
Only half Jew.
He was on his way to Harvard Business School - on a full scholarship.
- Until he met JaMarcus.
JaMarcus introduced Timothy to marijuana.
Now Timothy is a fat, blimp loser who can't see his feet and smells like Funyons.
This is Chang Chu Lu.
Honorable, disciplined, and we're assuming, excellent at math.
Until he met JaMarcus.
Damn, JaMarcus out here slingin' like the boy Marlo.
It only took one snort of nose candy before Chang believed he could fly.
- He couldn't.
- Oh, snap! Last and least, meet Darryl.
Darryl was an honor student and star of his football team, who surprisingly had no illegitimate children - or police record.
- Until he met All: JaMarcus! JaMarcus gave Darryl molly.
I's a popular party drug, known to help kids lose their inhibitions.
[cheering] - Yeah, get it Darryl.
- Darryl caught AIDS.
- Ooh.
- Oh.
Not the Magic Johnson kind, the full-blown, Matthew McConaughey in "Dallas Buyers Club" kind.
Nigga what? So kids, if somebody offers you drugs, just say no.
Man, don't nobody have to offer us drugs.
- We already got them shits.
- You don't got them shits anymore.
We raided your lockers this morning.
As of right now, Chamberlain Heights is drier than your teacher's clam.
[class groaning] Oh, come on, dude! Is my insulin in there? [school bell ringing] Shit, nigga, I don't even want to go to the party - if I can't get high.
- It's gonna be stupid now.
- This party gonna be lame.
- Dumb.
[all talking at once] [intense music] Attention ladies, fellow legends, and squares.
All y'all can keep a cool booty, 'cause me and my crew will have the party going up.
You heard right.
We on deck with that work.
[coughs] We bringing drugs to the party.
[cheering] Hells yes, bro.
Hells yes.
[all chanting] Drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs.
[hip-hop music] Realistic.
Montrel, we need the hook up on some sticky so we can get into Randy's party.
You got some reliable sources, homey? Yo mamma still got them big ass titties, though? Come on, 'Trel.
The party comin' up quick.
All right, here's what I can do, since we family and shit.
I got some of that Seattle Supersonic in my room.
I was saving it for a special occasion, but if y'all got the money Man, I always got to pay.
Some broke ass nig [grunts] Be right back.
[footsteps, door slamming] - We just got ganked, didn't we? - We? I told you, Negro! Now what? I know where we can get some work.
Let's roll.
["Hot Blooded" by Foreigner plays] Well, I'm hot blooded Check it and see I've got a fever of 103 Come on, baby, you can do more than dance Oh shit! Uncle Joey got them bricks like DeAndre Jordan.
We out.
You don't have to read my mind [dog barks] Hey, what are you up to? What's that under your shirt? Damn, Uncle Joey, why you always sweatin' me? Milton, open it now! Yeah, I found yo coke, and if you don't let me take it, I'm squealin' to the pigs.
You think that I idiot, give it to me! [both grunting] [vibrating] - Okay - Man, what the Oh, hell no, Uncle Joey.
You did not buy my moms no big black dildo! You think that I wanted her to get the Notorious B.
? - She preferred it! - Oh, Dave! It's so big! I can't wait to use it! Happy birthday, Hunny! Oh, God.
[chomps] Aye, Duke's a freaky-ass dog.
[laughs] Man, if we could just get a hold of some weed.
What about your big boo Medina? Maybe that big bitch got some edibles or something.
Nah, she don't eat nothing with no vegetables in it.
I mean, man, she ain't my boo! Look at y'all, hoopin' on a Saturday.
I'm just trying to go league so we have a better life together.
[laughs] You silly, Grover.
I'ma see you at Randy's tonight, right? You know the legends gonna be there.
Later, new booty.
[sensual music] Oh, hello Damn, those cheeks got my balls bluer than Papa Smurf.
There's only one person who can help us now.
[dramatic hip-hop music] I'm saying, though.
The breakfast cereal industry profits off of negative stereotypes.
You got Count Chocula reppin' the not-quite-white Eastern European, Franken Berry reppin' the Jews, and Boo Berry? Boo? Jigaboo? Man, stop it with that mess, son.
Let me do the talking.
- Whoa, slow down, esse! - Let 'em through.
Nope, no Casper.
Man, wiggas need a civil rights movement.
Don't take this as me cosigning your life, Malik, but I need you to hook us up with some drugs.
Drugs? Nah, man, you got the wrong idea.
We just out here sellin' candy bars so we can go to baseball camp.
I got dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chunky chocolate.
We call 'em Grovers, Milks, and [beatboxing] Fat Boys.
[laughter] There's a party at Randy's tonight, and we need something to make us legendary, my nig.
Three things, my brother.
One, never disrespect me by calling me "nig" again.
Two, if I did move weight, I'd only sell to Caucasians.
I would never join the white devil in the degradation of my people, but I would participate in his profits by giving him a taste of his own medicine.
- Preach, dark chocolate! - And three, Grover, you fools bring drugs to a party, I bet y'all end up lookin' foolish by the end of the night.
[cell phone chimes] [laughs] That's how I do! So you're not gonna help us out? You're my bro, G, and I love you.
That's why I can't do nothing for you.
Now step off my corner, Gump! So I guess that's it.
No party for us.
[stomach rumbling] Ah, my mud ring is mumbling.
I got to go untie my undies.
Make a U-turn, homey.
You're not funkin' up my bathroom.
Use my mom's.
[farting] Oh, shit.
Oh, shit! [majestic music] Ooh, shit! Hold on to your sacks, my nigs.
We about to flip the script.
[dramatic hip-hop music] [music] You want some hard shit Purple Holler at your You want some hard shit Holler - I shall call you Jamallies.
- We need to test it.
Hey, Duke.
Eat this, you dumbass dog, [upbeat music] [laughter] [music slowing] [Duke panting and grunting] [all laughing] - We about to go ham, homeys.
- Aw, yeah.
[intense music] [vomits] [farts] [howls] [buzzes] What's Gucci, my nig? We here for the function.
Hell no.
Y'all ain't gettin' in, punk ass freshmen, dressed like Abercrombie & Bitch.
We the future.
You wouldn't know nothing about that.
Boom, bitch.
- What's that shit? - Jamallies, my nig.
Makes regular molly feel like gettin' flicked in the sack.
Hello! All right, y'all can kick it.
[upbeat hip-hop music] With y'all pretty asses [slow music] Damn, my nigs.
This shit is boringer than a mother[bleep]er! Let's just hope them Jamallies turn it up.
I see you workin', G.
You tryin' to wiggle into Cindy's vijiggle? You don't rush it with girls like Cindy.
I'm lettin' the sexual tension marinate.
Then, I'ma tear that ass up like Kobe.
[all laughing] Oh look, the freshman shit crew is here.
[mumbling] turn up? You heard the man.
Did y'all bring the turn up or what? They brought the treats.
They cool.
Pop that, pop that [all chanting] Randy, Randy, Randy! Oh, hell yeah.
This shit is nice! I guess I'll give you all a pass.
[laughs] For now.
Time to holler at some breezies.
Bubblicious on the breath? Check.
Black Jesus on the chain? Double check.
Semi-circle shaved around the base for that extra 1/2 inch? - You already know.
- This shit gonna be hilarious.
P-I-M-P, bitch Say, Thotty Pippen, can a brother my complexion roll in your direction? [slap] Aye, shorty, ever had a milk mustache? [slap] Skip the bullshit.
You tryin' to hump? Come near me again, and I'll rip your little pink dick off - and shove it up your ass! - Damn, girl! - Is you all right, my nig? - You saw it, yo.
She fondled my junk in front of everybody, and I ain't gonna lie [whispering] I nutted a little.
[both laughing] [rumbling] Aw, shit! Oh, hell no, Jamal.
You can't call nobody? She about to go "Basketball Wives" on yo ass.
Come on, Medina.
Why you got to blow up the spot? [whispers] Let's just talk later.
Nah, nah, nah.
You little short, fat mother[bleep]er.
You didn't say that when you was killin' my goodie box last night.
[laughter] You trippin', girl.
Only thing killin' your coochie is the stink of them leftover doo-boo crumbs! [all exclaim] You want to talk shit, you little milk dud with a afro lookin' mother[bleep]er? Your dick so small, you pee on your nuts! [laughter] All: Oh! Oh, it's like that, huh? Well, you're so fat that your blood type is sriracha, bitch! [all exclaim] [laughter] [slurps] You into some kinky shit, Jamal.
You put whipped cream in places I didn't even know I had.
I'm gonna have your baby, Jamaaaal.
Isn't that Precious? No, seriously, is it? [both laughing] Yo, I think them Jamallies are kicking in.
[music] [all cheering] Not bad for a dude failing chemistry.
All: Jamallies, Jamallies, Jamallies! Yo, those Jamallies turnt it up! To show my appreciation, I got a little something something y'all might like.
- Come in here, legends.
- We're so horny.
Aw, yeah.
We all about to get our nuts! [thumping and ripping] [laughter] That's it! [laughter] Yeah, let that be a lesson to you, fresh fish.
That's how I do.
[mocking] I thought I was gonna get laid today.
I'm gonna take your dime and your shine, you basic bitch! - All: Oh! - Oh, snap! [mumbling] I told you these nigs on some new improved shit.
I'm about to push your wig back like LeBron's hairline.
Ooh-whee! [stomach grumbles] [retches] [dramatic music] [shouting and groaning] [roars] [Bleep]ing Jamallies! Nooo! [crickets chirping] [snickers] [all laughing] [siren chirping] What're you boys doing out here naked? - I ain't sayin' shit.
- Let me guess.
- Crazy party, right? - We'll let it slide this time.
But you need to pick your friends more wisely.
Now let's get you home, huh? This is a dangerous part of town.
Thanks, popo.
We appreciate your services.
Saving the white kid was not Martin's dream! I told you, Negro! Jamallies, huh? We were just tryin' to get a turf up.
I guess you Legends had so much fun you couldn't say hi to me at the party.
What was stopping you for sayin' hi to me? Maybe I wanted to see if you had gain.
I didn't want interrupt you and your boo.
- You mean Randy? - Seems like okay dude - if you win the squeenies.
- What's a "squeenies?" - It's a square plus a weenie.
- One thing I like about Randy, he's bravy enough to go after what he wants.
So what you sayin'? If I holler, you go swaller? First of all: nasty! Second: you have a lots to learn about high-school girls, Grover.
Step your game, man.
Hello, hello Oh, oh, oh Good job, my nig.
Looks like she wants you to smash.
A freshman beating a senior's cakes? Oooh! You know what that means.
We gonna be legends.
[music] That's what I'm talkin' about, my nig.