Legit (2013) s01e12 Episode Script


[With accent] Everybody on the bus! If you want to live, you will do as I say.
Have I made myself clear? When you're saying "live," is that live or leave? [Normal voice] I'm holding an ak-47 to your head! What do you think it means? It means live! I think it looks like a spatula.
It's like a French guy holding an ak-47.
No! That was Ukrainian.
I didn't go [Speaking gibberish] I don't understand the French how they speak.
It's like they haven't learned their own language.
Have you ever heard an English-speaking person go, "I went down to the sho-o-ops.
Got myself some br-e-e-e-e-e-ad"? Can we get this over with? Please? Okay, do your next line.
"You have no right to treat us this way.
I'm an American citizen.
" [With accent] Do I look like I give a shit where you're from? I am Ukrainian! No, you're French.
Totally French.
[Exhales deeply] So what? I'm just supposed to wait? Just wish me luck, all right? It's a big audition for me.
I'm just supposed to sit here?! Yes! Hey.
Go ahead and sign in.
[With accent] No, it can't be.
Karla g.
Prescott! Aha! I knew it was you! Big American film star, eh? I see all your films.
[Chuckles] Look at all this skin you show.
It's very offensive in my culture.
Wow, that's a Great accent.
Yyou do you don't think this is my accent? You think ohh.
It sucks.
[Normal voice] I worked hard on that, you know.
What am I here for? Oh.
No, I'm so sorry.
- I was giving you shit 'cause, you know, you were tease - Oh! I'm sorry.
I do that too much sometimes and I overstep my bounds and I'm so sorry.
Yeah fair enough.
I do that as well.
I give people shit, too, so, uh, that's okay.
So now you're doing [Australian accent] Crocodile dundee? Is that your Australian? That was horrible.
This is my natural accent! What do you mean, doing an Australian? Sorry, sorry again.
Who would ever put this voice on? - Yeah, just - [with accent] No, I'm kidding! I'm from Ukraine! Oh! Ho-oh! I'm from Ukraine, yeah.
I put on the Australian accent to meet the women.
[Laughing] Okay.
My English improves out of nowhere.
[Normal voice] So let's see your accent.
Well, I I'm sort of doing it, and I'm just, you know, an.
- American aid worker so - [Singsong voice] Nailed it.
Yes, American aid worker.
Thank you.
[Chuckles] I get to kill you! Here it is.
Oh, so you're the guy that shoots me stomach, head Now, look, if it was up to me, I'd let you live, but And then you get to kill everyone else, too.
So what a thrill! I would've killed them anyway.
I'm looking for "karla g.
Prescott" and "Tim jimmers"? Jim.
I have terrible handwriting.
[Laughs] Great, great.
Well, I'm actually gonna read the two of you together, so if you want to come on back.
Together: Great.
Come on.
Oh, and, uh, don't do the accent.
Even if I don't get the part, I think I'll shoot you in the head.
[Laughing] Good! - Nice to meet you both - Thank you.
Nice to meet you, too.
And really, really great.
Take care.
Um, you kicked some serious ass in there.
No, I think he was talking about you.
Oh, no.
They were hanging on every word that you were saying, so Oh, and what, with, you know, that accent and whatnot? Okay, you have to shut up right now.
That was a terrible accent.
Okay, well, I apologize that you have too much self-loathing to recognize a good thing even if it, you know, slaps you in the face.
Goodlooking things never slap me in the face.
[Laughing] Oh, they don't? Maybe you'll want to.
Get in.
Come on.
Oh, maybe I yeah, okay.
[Laughs] So you're an actor? [Scoffs] I think we know I'm no actor.
No, no, I'm a I'm a comedian.
Oh! Okay, so even more self-loathing than an actor.
Yes! Mmhmm.
Yes, more self you know comedians very well, yes.
[Laughs] Well, this is me.
Where where are you parked? Oh! I-I-I didn't drive.
My friend drove me.
My car's in the shop.
Oh, well, where are you headed? Venice.
Well, I'm headed that way.
Do you want a ride? Okay.
[Laughs] Okay.
[Car door closes] [Door handle jiggles] Hey, what's your last name? It's, um, it's jefferies.
How do you spell that? Jef-f-e-r-I-e-s it's Extra "e.
" Three e's? Okay, great.
Hi, mom! Yeah! I think it went well.
But, um, I met this guy at my audition, [Laughing] And, um, yeah, he seems like a nice guy.
So I'm going to give him a lift home.
But, um, if I get, you know, murdered or raped or anything, his name is, uh, Jim jefferies.
Yeah, with three e's.
Yeah, so if you don't hear from me in an hour, just assume something bad happened and, uh, call the cops.
Okay, we're all good.
Get in, get in.
Come on! Hey, Georgia.
It's me.
Just, uh, calling to check in, and, uh, see how em's doing.
Hi, em! It's dad! And I wanted to see if we're still getting together on Saturday, if she's coming over.
I know we said, like, 3:00? So give me a call, please.
I love you.
Come on, Jim.
You just made this rape really awkward so Get out of my car! Now! What? No! What? Is that hey! What are you get out! What are you doing? You get your hands off of me! No, I'm not I was defending! Get the hell out of my car, asshole! Out! You seem more concerned in solving this crime than preventing it! [Horn honking] Get out of the road, asshole! [Cellphone rings] This is Steve nugent.
G'day, Steve.
The audition went great.
Where are you? Are you out front? Yeah, I'm already here.
I'm right I'm right here.
Where are you? Yep.
Well, I'm not.
What? Yeah, I got a lift.
- Well - Yeah, and now, I'm Near a boat? What? I'm sitting here like an asshole! I'm on a bridge.
Stay there.
No matter what happens, I will find you.
See you soon.
[Grunts] [Camera shutter clicks] You're get in! You're in the middle of the highway, you idiot! Get in.
What are you doing? Hey.
It's been a long day, Steve.
What is going on? I was just in this car, and I was driving along with this woman, and then out of nowhere, she accuses me of rape.
What did you do? It was a joke! I said, "you just made this rape really awkward.
" She freaks out.
She slammed on the brakes.
And then she starts, sort of, swinging her so I grab her wrists.
Whoa! You grabbed her wrists? Why would you do that? Self defense, Steve! Right? It's weird, though.
You feel very rape-y when you grab a girl's wrists.
The scarf helps me get into character.
Yeah, whatever you say.
I'm getting a callback.
The guy said I did great.
Don't they say that to everyone? Shut up, okay? Just help me with the lines.
Are you ready? "You're never gonna get away with this.
" I'll go to the police.
"I'll go" [with accent] How you say Go down on me? [Laughs] God, ts movie sucks.
[Normal voice] Maybe it just seems like it sucks.
It totally sucks.
Maybe I suck.
The guy said I did great! [Knock on door] Oh, thank God.
Hey, what are you guys doing here? I'm not supposed to have you until Saturday.
We need to talk.
Uncle Billy! Hi, Uncle Jim! He's not your Uncle, thank God.
[With accent] Well, hello, Georgia.
You're looking particularly carnivorous today.
What is that, French? Ha! [Laughs] Told you.
Can we talk privately? Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of my brothers.
Todd and I are getting married, and we want to move to Cincinnati.
He has family there, and I got a job offer.
Emily will have some new cousins.
Emily has family here.
Your lifestyle is not Really good for our daughter.
[Muffled] There is nothing wrong with our lifestyle.
Ooh, apple juice! Hey, uh, that's Uncle Billy's apple juice! [Indistinct speaking] My God, Steve.
This is what I'm talking about.
Go on, drink the apple juice.
Drink it.
Shut up, Jim.
We have joint custody.
You can't do that.
Steve, I talked to a lawyer.
He said that if you agree, we can go, and I'll give you summers.
Hey, Emily.
I don't want to listen to this grown-up stuff anymore, do you? Let's go play with some medical supplies.
Okay, but don't don't touch anything, Emily.
We're not staying long.
Hey, we have an agreement.
It's gonna be a stable environment.
This is not.
Now you're just being mean to me.
Come on, Georgia.
This is cold, even for you.
Emily, we have to go.
We have an appointment with an orthodontist.
See, when I marry Todd, Emily's gonna have decent health insurance.
Screw this country.
Kids should have health insurance.
Not having it that's just stupid and mean.
It's kind of like you, Georgia.
Go back to Australia, Jim.
I mean, come on, Steve.
Consider it your lucky day! You won't have to worry about paying child support ever again.
It's official, Georgia.
You're a bitch.
Screw you, Jim.
Only bloke on the block youhaven't screwed.
Really nice.
Come on, Emily.
Let's go.
Hey, come here, kiddo.
Oh, I love you.
I love you, too.
Yeah, I'll see you soon.
Bye, Emily.
Bye! Bye.
All right.
See you later, kiddo.
I love you.
Steve I hate her.
Hey, Steve, are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
We're gonna go out, all right? You need a distraction.
Come on.
We can go to apple pan on the way home.
I love apple pan.
They haven't got apple pan in Cincinnati.
Too soon.
What about Billy? Look, Ramona's gonna be here in about 15 minutes.
Are you all right? I'll just shit myself.
Give her something to do when she gets here.
Hi, Georgia.
Uh, I'm sorry about that last message.
I was angry.
I'm still angry, actually, 'cause you're taking my daughter all the way to Ohio for shit's sake, and I got nothing to say about it.
So, please call me back when you get this.
Thank you.
How is that any more effective than the last call? Georgia, I hope you and Todd die in a fiery car wreck on your wedding night! Eat shit! Now, that one I liked! That, I liked! I need drinks.
I need lots of drinks.
Tonight, we go big.
Whoo, Whoo Shake it up, shake it right Look at that.
She's looking at you.
I think she likes you.
Yeah, something tells me no.
I'll prove it.
Yeah, it looks like it's smiling from that angle.
Man, this place is depressing.
[Sighs] Hey, Georgia.
Listen, when you get this, can you please give me a call? I-I really want to talk to you about something.
Sorry, it's really loud in here 'cause we're at a strip club.
I mean, uh, Jim, uh, got a-a part in a movie, so we're at the strip club to celebrate, but I'm it's his idea, and I'm totally not even having any fun.
Ow! She doesn't care that you're at a strip club.
She doesn't care about you.
Get over it.
She's having sex with Todd.
Jim, introduce me.
This is Steve.
Oh, Steve looks sad.
Steve is sad.
Are you depressed, sweetie? Need some cheering up? You're not gonna be able to help me.
Oh, I bet I can.
Hmm? What's this? A little something to make you feel good.
Why did that stripper just give me free ecstasy? 'Cause I just bought us ecstasy.
[Sighing] Come on, man, we haven't done "x" in like 15 years.
That's the exact reason why you should do it, Steve.
Did you see where she pulled this out from? That's part of the appeal! You've been a free man for three years.
You'd better start acting that way.
All right.
I don't feel anything.
You just took it, dickhead.
Oh, I'm feeling something now.
That's weird.
I thought she was shaven.
Can we please get out of here? [Sputters] All right.
Come with me.
I know where we're going.
Where? I'm telling you, Steve, gay bars best place to meet women! I love this music! Yeah! It's hot in here! Girls don't think you're gonna be in here, so they like you, and they talk to you, but then when they find out you're not gay, they think you're a great guy for being so liberal! One more thing! Easy to score coke here! Guys are just giving it away in the bathroom! Gays are very free with their drugs! They got loads of money! Don't worry about it! They don't have kids like you! [Both laugh] Aah! This guy! Oh, hi.
All right! [Shouts] Neil! Neil! Hey! You did a great audition today.
I told you I was great! This is my friend Steve! Hey, it's good to meet you.
Hey, guys, I'm over there! Okay! Oh, I love that guy! He had a great audition, huh? What? Oh, no, no.
God, no, it was terrible.
I knew it, I knew it! I helped him practice his lines, and I was like, "what?!" What is that accent?! "It's, like, French!" French?! Thank you! That was it French.
Croatian boat person or something.
So, are you a comedian, too? Oh, no, I'm just a divorced guy whose ex-wife is marrying his neighbor and taking his daughter to Cincinnati! I know exactly where you are coming from, man.
You do? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I got kids and a wife.
Yeah, my wife is leaving 'cause she doesn't like our lifestyle! God, I love this music! Lifestyle? Yeah, me and Jim! She doesn't like the way we live! Wha you and Jim?! Yeah! I love that guy! My wife didn't exactly approve of my life either, but she kept expecting me to change and go back, which is ridiculous.
Yeah, you can't change who you are! Right? You seem like a really great guy.
Oh, you're super cool! Do you maybe want to go to the men's room with me? [Laughs] Hell yeah! [Laughing] Yeah! Score! Yeah! Let's do it! Okay.
I'm a little nervous.
It's been a while.
That's a great vest, man.
Oh, thank you.
You know, I got a little buzz.
You mind if I sit? No, no.
Get comfortable.
Ooh, I'm excited.
I Oh.
Oh, no, I thought we were gonna do some coke.
Oh, you want to do some coke first? I only want coke.
Shit, I'm sorry.
I'm I misunderstood.
I'm so sorry.
Are you kidding me?! I'm at a gay bar in a bathroom with another guy! What did I think was gonna happen?! I don't know.
"Oh, this is my first time!" [Both laugh] Oh, God, it's We gonna do that coke? I don't Have any coke.
[Both laugh] What?! [Techno music continues] Hey! Hey, Jim! Hey! Neil just tried to get me to blow him in the bathroom! That's awesome! [Shouting indistinctly] Whoo! So, you tried to blow him?! I don't think your friend understands gay bathroom etiquette! No one likes that food! You're pretty high, aren't you?! What?! What?! Listen, you are such a good guy, right? And and, you know, no one is ever gonna see this movie! You got the part! I've got the part?! You got the part! [Cheering] His face was very bristly! I got the part! I got the part! I got the part! I got the part! This is the best night of my life! Hey.
How's it gong? I'm really excited about this.
Yeah, I know.
It's gonna be great.
This project.
Okay, great.
Let's get started, huh? [With accent] Everybody on the bus, if you want to live, you will do as I say.
Have I made myself clear? You have no right to treat us this way.
I am an American citizen.
Do you think I give a shit who you are? You wait until I go to my embassy, and then you'll give a shit.
[Chuckles evilly] You know, if you weren't so How do you say it? captivating, I would've killed you two days ago.
You'll never get away with this 'cause I'm gonna go to the police.
You're going to what? You're going to go down on me? Your line.
I'm I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, but I can't do this.
That's not your line.
I understand.
It is a very intense scene.
No, no, no, no, that's not.
That's not what it is.
I-I can't do this with him.
With Jim? Why? He threatened to rape me! - Uh - What?! Ooh, that's you should never say that.
I-I didn't threaten to rape you.
You were the one who proposed the whole rape thing.
The rape was her suggestion.
I did no such thing! Classic misunderstanding.
I never said I was going to rape this girl.
I-I did say it, but what happened was, we were in the car, and she rings up her mom and says, "hey, if I get raped", I'm giving this guy a lift.
" And then I turned to her and said, "you just made this rape" "really awkward," obviously making a joke.
Oh, you made a joke about raping your co-star.
When you say it like that, Neil, takes all the humor out of it.
There is nothing funny about rape! Everything in the world's funny.
You can make jokes about anything, and rape is under the umbrella of everything.
She asked for the joke, not the rape.
I didn't she didn't ask to be raped, and I didn't rape her because rape I-is a is a bad thing, but it's okay to joke about things.
I-it's the actual doing motion that people don't like.
Categorically, I've never raped.
I would not rape this not that you're unrapeable.
You're a very attractive girl, and any rapist would be proud to make you a victim.
You bastard! You bitch! You can never call a woman a bitch! But she just called me a bastard! Why does the woman get to decide?! I don't know, Jim.
Why don't you go ahead and ask a rape victim, a woman?! Neil, how am I gonna talk to a rape victim, right? Okay, that joke was too far.
Don't say you kill and rape them.
Neil, you have to understand a joke is a joke, and misunderstandings there are misunderstandings in this world.
This is the same situation that happened with you and my friend Steve.
We were out at a gay club 'cause Neil's a gay man.
My friend wanted to have some coke, and Neil wanted to have some cock, and you can see already where the confusion's gonna come.
You know, how much of an awkward situation was that, but what did we do in that awkward situation? We all became friends, and we we danced, danced, danced the night away because as adults and men, we had that developed sense of humor where we knew that this was just a misunderstanding.
Okay, I just want to make two things clear.
I do not do drugs, and "b," I am not gay.
Wwhat do you mean? What I mean is, you are done here.
Yeah, okay, I I'm just gonna take I'm gonna take three of these along.
Hey, come on! [Claps] [Grunts] Oh, my gosh! I'm gonna miss you.
I'll miss you, too.
It makes me sad.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Everything's not gonna be okay.
I love you.
I love you, too.
All right.
[Grunts] Bye, Uncle Billy, Uncle Jim.
Come on.
There we go.
[Grunts] Hey, Steve.
I just wanted to let you know that even though Emily might have two dads from now on You will always be her first.
Eat a dick, Todd.
You're not her dad.
You never will be.
You ever poke me in the chest again, I swear to God I'll rip your dick off.
All right, sounds good.
[Sniffles] You know what, Georgia? I think you need to know that the only reason I'm even doing this is because I know that this is what's right for her.
This is just temporary.
It's a six-month trial period, and then I'm coming.
Wow, Steve, I'm surprised.
Yeah, get used to it.
'Cause this is the start of my new, non-shitty life.
You being gone is probably gonna be the best thing that ever happened to me 'cause now I can finally move on.
So, don't get too comfortable 'cause I'm coming real soon.
Yay! Yeah.
Bye, em.
Bye! Bye, guys.
See you.
Blowing whichever way the wind blows Think I did the right thing? Well Let's put it this way.
I couldn't have done it.
So I'm gonna say, yeah.
You did the right thing.
I don't like Todd anymore.
Yeah, Todd's a dick, by the way.
I've been saying that for months.
You are such a bitch, Georgia.
Nice, Steve.
I go too far? No.
She was asking for it.
[Sniffles] [Engine turns over] Let it go [Sniffles] It will get easier Let it go Just enjoy the ride