Less Than Kind (2008) s03e06 Episode Script

Lawyers and Cougars and Bankers, Oh My!

Previously on Less Than Kind.
Anne, you must be completely devastated.
I'm really sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss.
You're Miss Cornish, right? Yeah.
Not even your cheek? You know I could never be satisfied with just one kiss.
And that you and I can never be.
Because I am a Pisces.
My name's Toby.
You know that kid? Yeah, he's one of my students.
You're teaching? Through the pillar.
Oh! You're firing this? You can't fire him.
He's a genius.
Let's open our own school.
Our own academy.
The Academy of Acting Excellence.
Dude, you're late.
I had to take a fucking bus.
What? Your family has, like, three cars.
No, but Aunt Clara's cranky.
"No personal use.
" Sucks.
So hard.
I want my own car.
Hey, we should put that in our business plan.
Company cars.
Genius! Okay, let's get started.
All right.
What the F? Library closes at 7:00? No.
Oh! They're supposed to be open 24/7! This is exactly why I don't pay taxes: Bullshit like this, right here.
Okay, we need to find somewhere to work.
We need to hunker down.
To the Academy of Acting Excellence! To history, bro.
Our golden business boy Will watch the north end die And sing "I love this town" Then let his arching wrecking "I Hate Winnipeg" Hey, Anne, it's Phil.
I hope you're doing okay.
I just wanted to remind you that I'll be by to pick up the poker table tonight.
Oh, and Ruth wants to speak to you.
Hi, hon.
Just wanted to remind you about the book club.
Book club sounds fun.
Ugh, I don't even know Ruth.
I don't know why she's bothering with me.
You haven't really been out of the house since Dad.
I don't want to be hugged anymore.
I don't want to hear, "Oh, the poor widow.
" Please.
But do we really have to watch The Notebook again? Yes.
Go get the tissues.
You're not going to believe this! Rodney wants his flatscreen back.
Oh, that's great.
No more American Idol.
Oh, come on.
I know you watch it.
Oh, hello.
Oh, my.
God, this place is genius.
It's pure sass.
Why would I even try for a relationship? I don't think I could survive another break-up.
Honey you want another round? Feeling flirty? No, it's too early for shooters.
Well, hello, Josh Blecher.
Help me out.
I'm drawing a blank.
You posed for my art class.
Oh, right.
Miss Cornwall.
Cornish, but you can call me Susan.
Hey, buddy, what about my drinks? Speaking of which, I'd really like it if you posed for my art class again, or wherever.
Am I invisible or what? I see you.
So do you come here often? God, I can't believe that I said that.
How priceless is that? Finally.
Let me get this.
That's 42.
She's got it.
Thanks, Susan.
That's 42.
Pauline, can I borrow 20? Did you think about the book club? Oh, yes.
It's a nice offer, but I'm going to give it a pass.
Okay, as long as you know you're welcome anytime.
Here you go.
Let me reimburse you for Sam's share.
He chipped in with us.
Don't be silly.
I want you to have it.
God, we had a lot of fun in here.
Oh, Sam loved his poker nights.
Well, the game continues.
And his spot is always open, you know, if you ever want to play.
That sounds like fun.
It is.
Well, then okay.
I'd love to play.
Really? You play poker? No.
Is it hard? Uh, well, it's-- It's easy to learn the basics.
And you all can come here, just like before.
So Leave the table? Please.
We'll see you tomorrow.
Boom! Oh.
How much do I owe you? It's on me.
Thanks, bro.
Fuck! Come on, ladies! Sorry.
I clean up my own messes.
You're working on a loan application? No, we're working on a business plan.
A business plan.
You guys are so cute.
I'm Tanya.
Yeah, okay, Tanya.
We're busy here, so Oh, my God.
Do not show them this.
They're going to laugh you right.
How do you know? Because I'm a business lawyer, cutie.
I've done, like, a ka-gibillion of these.
Okay, well, what do we do? First things first.
Okay, but after this we got to get serious.
It's almost closing time.
You got your eye on anybody, honey? All right, but he's all wham, no bam.
I know, I know.
I just hope there is some body for me.
Oh, right, but it's funny when you say it.
Can I settle my ta What the fuck? Excuse me.
I think you dropped this.
Oh, thank you so much.
You are so very sweet.
I'm sorry, I have to get it.
I know.
It's just the worst possible day for this.
Look, I wouldn't have to go to my dad's if I didn't have to stay at my mom's half the time because she had an affair with someone and broke up my family.
Get your damn book.
Miriam wait.
You know, your mom and I fall in love.
All right, there's love all over the place now.
Lucky me.
Miss Cornish? Yes, that's me.
Who are you? I live here.
What are you doing here? I am a friend of Lawrence.
Lawrence? Your papa.
Well, goodbye, then.
I hope you have a lovely day Miranda? Miriam.
You were in my art class? Yeah.
Okay, nice to see you again.
Yeah! No way.
Check it out! Passed the math quiz.
Best ever! Hey, did you hear? Danny passed his math quiz.
Danny, back off.
Wow, who put you in a mood? Uh, maybe the woman I caught sleeping in my dad's bedroom this morning.
Awesome! What'd she look like? Oh, my God.
You know, she kind of looked like Miss Cornish.
Because it was Miss Cornish.
Oh! Oh, my God! That's not my iPhone.
Oh, God.
Oh, I must have grabbed her phone.
You going to answer that? No! She's just going to keep calling.
It's gone to voice mail.
I'll call back and pretend I'm a serial killer.
Whoa, pictures.
Is that what your dad looks like happy? Oh, God, I hope not.
How many of them are there? She's a total slut.
How are you ever going to kiss your dad again? What? Well, think about it.
His mouth was attached to a mouth that was attached to the mouths in all of these pictures.
Do the math.
Oh, my God.
What? Not just mouths.
Danny, stop it.
I can't.
It like a 3-D video in my mind.
Your dad thrusting away at Cornish.
I can't stop! He's pounding at her doggy-style.
What do I do? Just stop it! Just stop it! Sorry.
I guess she's the best your dad could do.
My dad, huh? Mine? Tell me, did you shower before or after your dad this morning? After, why? Because he's been crushing on Cornish for years.
So? So I'm guessing he was whacking off in the shower this morning.
You're probably covered in sperm.
Oh, you monster.
Okay, guys, stop being immature, okay? Your parents are sexual beings too, so let's just-- You mean like your mom? Excuse me? My mom, the widow? Aw.
She's not going to stay a widow forever, Sheldon.
She's right.
She's kind of hot.
Stop it! Stop it.
Stop it! Oh, no.
No! Uh We'll deal with the Cornish thing later, agreed? Agreed.
What's wrong with you guys? Your mom and dad are humping.
Harder, honey, harder! I want to wake up the kids! Ugh! Assholes! Since when do you play poker? Since I realized Sheldon was right and I need to be more social.
Well, what about that book club? They'd love to have you in.
Yeah, this is just more, I don't know Expensive.
That's 200.
Thank you.
Okay, I'm going to pay you off.
So Phil is 50, Uzzie Isn't that the star brooch from Sam? I really wasn't going to keep this.
Fucking right you weren't.
Okay, boys, I got $60 and feeling lucky.
Cash me back in.
Come on.
Susan! Oh, Franklin.
How are you? Better now.
I almost swallowed my fish stick.
Oh, no.
Are you okay? My day got brighter, thanks to a lovely lady.
I understand a congratulations are in order.
I heard you got engaged to a flautist, I believe? He was a bassoonist, and it didn't pan out.
Oh, that's too bad.
Didn't your mother warn you about bassoonists? She did indeed.
So, what brings you here? I am looking for Miriam Goldstein.
Is she here? She's right over there.
No wonder you mistook it for your phone.
We share passion for pink.
Well, then, thank you.
I'm off.
Are you going to see my dad again? I'm not really looking for a relationship right now.
Yeah, I saw all those pictures on your phone.
You should never have looked at those.
I wish I hadn't.
He's my dad, Miss Cornish.
Goodbye, Miriam.
This is bullshit.
We've been waiting here for, like, 10 minutes.
You were 45 minutes late, bro.
Yeah, well, I don't know how to read the stupid bus maps.
I drove.
That lawyer chick from last night, she leant me her car.
She loaned you her car? Well, one of them.
Oh, score! Gentlemen, I'm sorry you had to wait, but when you're late it cascades and my schedule falls apart.
And I have a very busy day.
I have a couple of minutes before my next client, so let's get started.
You want to open an acting school.
An acting academy.
Either way, you've applied for a $50,000 loan.
How did you arrive at that amount? Well, Eric, he thought 100,000.
I thought, "That's just greedy.
" He did.
So we went for the middle.
50,000? I really like to support artists, and you seem like nice guys.
Oh, we're totally nice.
But you have to run your numbers so I can assess you.
Let's meet again tomorrow and I will review your complete application then.
Thank you.
We appreciate it.
This was a good meeting.
It was a good start.
Oh! Watch where you're going, idiot.
Danny, my boy.
Did you see who I bumped into earlier? Yeah, that skank Miss Cornish.
Danny, do not speak of her that way.
Miss Cornish is a lady.
She shagged Mr.
Goldstein last night.
What? Yeah, she humped Miriam's dad.
She's dating Lawrence? No, but she's at some western bar called Whiskey Dix banging some new guy every night.
So she is single.
I guess.
Wonderful! Whoo-hoo! Hey, Dad, how was work? I like the new job.
Nice people.
How was your day? Well, let's see.
Oh, I bumped into Miss Cornish leaving your bedroom this morning.
Oh, then I accidentally grabbed her cell phone.
Oh, my God.
And then she showed up at my school to get it.
Oh, God! Oh! Oh, God! Oh, my God.
Dad, breathe.
Honey, I'm so sorry.
I was in that big house all alone, and I just needed to get out and meet some people and have a drink and dance.
It's okay, Dad.
I'm old enough to understand.
I just needed to get laid.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Laid? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Raise.
Not with these cards.
I'm out.
Me too.
I call.
You called my bluff, Anne.
I got nothing.
Pair of 3's.
I got pregnant 2's.
2, 4, 6, 8, 10.
Unmatched suits.
What? I know.
I win, right? Oh, yeah! Yeah! That's a heck of a hand.
I never seen it before.
Those 2's.
Yeah, that's a really good hand.
No, I can't do this.
Johnny, I'm sorry.
I can't.
People can't win with pregnant 2's.
It's against the natural laws that govern mankind.
I thought I had that one.
I'm going to get some more money from Clara.
No, no.
Wait, Anne.
Uzzie has to get up early.
- I do.
Very early.
- Really? When do I get a chance to win my money back? Tomorrow we usually m-meet.
That's fantastic.
I can do tomorrow.
Where? Where are we meeting? Um, I'll text you.
The address.
This has been so great, guys.
Thank you so much.
So we're done? This loan is in the bag, boys.
Yes! Mm! And you owe me.
I do? I get to take you shopping and get things for you.
In Miami.
All right! I'm going to dress you up like a little girl.
And I'm going to fuck you, because I want to get fucked by my little girl.
Now, let's dance.
Okay, I'm done.
Staying or going? God, you're desperate.
Hey, Susan.
Where'd you go, pretty lady? I was watching your body move; I blinked and the hotness was gone.
Well, I'm right here.
Because I wanted to buy that lady a drink.
Oh, buy me a drink? Well, a gentleman may be permitted.
Two B-52s.
I'm really glad that you came over.
Well, I've been watching you all night.
Pauline, I got my fill of the stalker.
Better get a picture for the police.
That'll be $16.
Just give him a 20.
Wait, I thought you were getting these.
Yeah, but come on.
I'm the boy toy.
Go on.
You want to fuck me more than I want to fuck you, right? So you pay for some stuff, everybody wins.
And, if things go well tonight, I'll let you take me to Miami.
Who's this little faggot? Mind your own business, you little scrawnt.
You! Oh, crap.
Sorry Okay, you know what? Just go away, Josh.
It's still $16.
Yee-haw! Evening, Miss Cornish.
Room for one more cowpoke at the bar? When I said "poke," please don't infer anything vulgar.
Okay, sure.
Yee-haw! Anne? I brought you the table, but I see you already bought a new one.
You sent me to the book club, Phil.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Guys, let's let her play.
It's 2011.
We can do it.
You want? Deal me in.
Sit down.
Let's go.
Call the game, Anne.
Give me a minute.
I shake, shake, shake, shake when you turn me on I can't press it on you before you've had your say But you say "No way" I say, "Moderation"; you say, "No way" I should never, you never, you never, you never say 'Cause it's a sad, sad man who doesn't go all the way 'Cause it's a sad, sad man who doesn't go all the way It's a sad man who doesn't go all the way And you can talk all night And you can start your fights But I'll never understand why you do