Less Than Kind (2008) s03e09 Episode Script

The Fwomp

1 Previously on Less Than Kind Fucktard here thinks she's going to be an actor when she grows up.
(Vocalizing) I hate you.
Get out of here.
Do me a favour and slam the door on your way out too.
Who are you? I'm Katya.
Let's go fuck with boys.
I just called you a pussy.
Why would you do that? Because he's a pussy.
(Yelling) Hey, get off him! (Blowing whistle) Ah, you suppose I'm gonna go easy on you 'cause you show a raw instinct for the sport of wrestling, don't you? No.
You can either take the wrestling test, or face the alternative.
What's the alternative? I march you down to the office for a probable three-day suspension for fighting.
Big guy, wow.
He's a big boy.
Big, big boy.
Yes, he is.
Good muscle tone, too.
How much does he weigh? I weigh 275.
I don't know.
I'd say about 260.
I weigh 275.
Check the glutes.
Look at that.
Please stop touching me.
That is one powerful ass.
Look, can I go now? What's his name again? Sheldon Blecher.
Sheldon "Belcher".
Hi, Sheldon.
I'm Frank.
I'm team captain.
So how you doing? Oh, I'm really enjoying my life right now.
That's great to hear.
Okay, you'll be "wrasslin'" Vince.
Okay, like, should we warm up a bit, or? Vince, warm him up.
(Whistling) Whoa! (Grunting) Vince, how's he doing? I'm not feeling the fire.
Sheldon, Vince isn't feeling the fire.
I don't know what the hell you guys are talking about.
Come on, man.
Yesterday in the hall.
You took out Vince in, like, three seconds.
Where'd that guy go? I don't even know where that guy came from.
Get him off you.
Look, this guy's hurting me.
Get off.
Make me.
I like it here, you're cozy.
Get off! Yeah! There it is.
There's the adrenaline rush.
Feels good, don't it? No, not at all.
Okay, good job.
That was cool, man.
Nice move.
Welcome to the team.
Look, I really don't think this is for me.
(Laughing) Really? Did you hear that, Tina? He's big and funny.
(Laughing) And up above us all Leaning into sky Our golden business boy Will watch the north end die And sing "I love this town" Then let his arching wrecking ball proclaim: "I Hate Winnipeg" Pre-tax categories.
Best time of year.
What's all this? No, no.
What? Which pile did that come from? Well, I don't know.
Maybe-- No, don't.
What? Please, just give it.
Do not touch.
Do not.
I'm gonna stupidly ask how your date went last night.
Oh, a guy canceled on me.
Must be Tuesday.
Did he leave a message or--? (Beeping) MAN: Hello, Clara.
I'm sorry I did not show up for dinner, but I was working really hard.
However, I am now available for lunch.
If you would please be the forgiveness person.
This is Anthony.
Oh, God.
He's one of the good ones.
So, are you gonna "forgiveness" him? Well, it's either that or wait for the next crop of divorces.
Don't watch me do this.
It's too shameful.
I'm glad I'm not single.
Hi, Anthony, it's Clara.
Yeah, why not? Okay.
What have you got there, Sheldon Blecher? (Both laughing) Wow, nice suits.
Uh, who are you supposed to be? Who do you want us to be? Who do you want us to be? I have no idea.
See you later.
(Laughing) Was that Miriam? I don't know.
He didn't say.
But the hot part of Cuckooville.
I guess she's not coming to Vee Jay's with us tonight.
Well, she wasn't there last week or the week before or the week before, so I'm gonna go with "no".
But we're still on, right? Oh, yeah.
(Sniffing) Why do you smell like gym class? Thanks to you, I had to try out for the wrestling team.
How'd you do? Honestly, I have no idea.
Hey, Sheldon.
Okay, look, organized sports is a cradle for fascism and racism, and fascism and jerks and racism.
What? Your new wrestling buddies? They're not my buddies.
Good, because they're fascists.
Really? I haven't seen any brown shirts yet.
Oh, sweet, innocent Sheldon.
Give it time.
It's okay.
No harm.
Larry, you're not listening to me.
I'm not going to do his fuckin' movie.
You're late, bro.
Whatever, bro.
Okay, everybody, welcome to the official opening of the Academy of Acting Excellence.
Sorry to keep you waiting, but one of us thought that it was more important to sleep in on our first day.
Well, I was ready to go, but your girlfriend wanted one for the road, so Hold it.
Hold it.
That's where my girlfriend was last night? That's where your girlfriend is every night after you fall asleep.
I can't believe that I'm hearing this.
Deal with it, bro.
(Gunshot) Deal with this, bro! (Screaming) (Gunfire) I can't believe what I'm seeing here in the first day of the opening school of the Acting School for the Excellent.
Can't believe it? (Gunfire) Believe this! Yeah! (Gunfire) And scene! Yeah! Boom! Whoa! That is acting, people.
In your face, and realer than reality.
(Laughing) Boom, boom, boom! No bullet wounds.
It's all acting.
We do our own stunts here in this class.
For real though, welcome to the first day of the rest of your lives.
VINCE: So he looks inside the Rabbi's car, and it's full of dimes.
So guess what he says? "That's how you know it's a Jewish car.
Stops on a dime then picks it up.
" (Laughing) Wow.
So I'll see you at the Klan barbecue this weekend, or? Shit, are you Jewish? I've got the horns and tail to prove it.
Hey, sorry, man.
I didn't mean it was your Jewish car.
Now, hold up, guys.
If our new wrestling brother is Jewish, then no more Jew jokes, agreed? Yeah.
Sorry, Sheldon.
Heavenly Father, thank you for the food we are about to eat.
Give us the strength to crush South Kirk on Friday, and-- Anything else? And thank you for sending the mighty Jew our way.
Amen! Pickles, boys.
(Phone ringing) Oh, God! (Laughing) Sorry.
My phone-- You know, you're doing a really great job with the Thanks.
No, no, I'll meet you.
No, I'm leaving now.
Gotta go.
(Yelling gibberish) That is an exercise we invented ourselves that'll help you get on your voices.
Now for the statue exercise.
Can we have a volunteer? (Door opening) Would you shut the fuck up? I can't hear myself think.
Whoa, whoa.
Close the door.
Class started two hours ago.
Oh, sorry we're late.
But wheelchair girl likes to make an entrance, okay? I don't know what you expect us to teach her.
How about this? You teach her not to act so handicapped, huh? Is that even possible? What time is pick-up anyway? Class ends at 5:00.
Oh, great.
Oh, and is your bathroom handicap-friendly? No! Told you, you idiot.
I'm totally cool if someone wants to piss themselves.
Oh, gross.
(Sighing) Can we get a volunteer for the statue exercise? (Vocalizing) Feels amazing! You like the burn, huh? Yeah! Good.
The burn is your friend.
Hello, burn.
How are you today? Hey, Danny.
Hello, fags.
S'up? Homoerotic much? It's called "conditioning".
Look, 90% of wrestlers are gay or date rapists.
Ten percent are gay date rapists.
Danny, please.
Are you serious about this? What does it look like to you? Well, it looks like a wrestler skinned my friend Sheldon and is wearing him like a track suit.
Danny, I'll catch up with you later.
Call me.
Hey, if you think we're still on for Vee Jay's tonight, fuck that.
I'll see you tonight, Danny.
No, you fuckin' won't.
Hey, Frank.
Heil Hitler.
Yeah, man, sweet! See you later.
I like that kid.
He makes me laugh.
(Laughing) No, no.
Don't play it again! I want to.
(Beeping) ANTHONY: Oh, no.
Look what happened.
I'm very sorry.
How about we go out for dinner? Yes, that would be very nice.
This is Anthony.
God, I hate dating.
I mean, what is wrong with me? It's hopeless.
Do you want to go? Uh-uh.
No way.
I want to stay right here, and I want to get somewhere in the vicinity of "shit-faced".
(Laughing) Shit-face-iter.
(Both laughing) While we're talking about dating.
How many dates, on average, before you sleep with a guy? Like, on average? Two? What?! Twice you've seen this guy, and now you're looking at his penis? Well, it's quite often dark, but usually there is a penis involved.
(Laughing) Doesn't that just blow your mind? I mean, he's practically a stranger.
And there's his penis.
"Hello, my name's Ray and this is my penis.
" Fwomp.
(Laughing) Balls are actually harder to deal with.
(Laughing) Please keep your voices down.
It's good to see you.
It is? I missed you.
We were just bitchy-bitch bitching about men.
Care to join us? I'm kind of the only one working here.
We're kind of the only customers.
(Laughing) I need more.
(Laughing) Well, hello, Danny Lubbe.
What are you guys doing? We're going to Katya's.
We need to wash our breasts.
Say what? (Laughing) They're terribly dirty.
Really dirty.
Gotta clean them.
Well, I could do that.
(Laughing) You're such a creep.
You creepy, creepy boy.
Come on.
(Laughing) Great first day.
Excellent work.
Now, two of you, and I'm not going to say which two, are going to be really big stars.
Uh, good day to everyone.
Oh, you don't-- Okay.
Go on.
You're fucking kidding me.
Oh, shit.
Has she been pulling this crap all day? Uh, sort of? Well, how was her monologue? Her what? Do not tell me she didn't do her monologue for you.
I rehearsed all fucking week.
What--? What is wrong with you? Do you need a hand? Huh? Hey, there you go! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! She doesn't have to do it.
Oh, no.
Yes, she does.
Okay? Hey, are you gonna do your monologue? (Vocalizing) Stand the fuck up.
Come on, you little freak.
Up! Do it.
(Vocalizing) Fine.
No lasagne tonight.
You wanna quit your job? Are you a fool? What about me? What about the children? What's gonna buy them clothes and food? We owe the grocer, the butcher and the landlord.
What would happen if we found out you wasn't working? They wouldn't give us any more credit, would they? You'll get other work? Remember the last time you tried? They didn't want you workin' at the telegraph office, did they? You was too old and too slow.
Well, now you're older and slower than ever, aren't you? And that's the only other job you're fit for.
You listen to me.
"Get another job.
" What a father for my poor children.
(Spitting) (Both gasping) Oh, sweet Lord.
Why did I ever marry such a man? Any notes? What the fuck? You're not a cripple? What? What? No! I was just working on a character.
She's ten.
She should be into The Princess Diaries.
Her favourite movie is My Left Foot.
She's a prodigy.
We are the best teachers ever! Oh, my God.
Ta-da! Eight hours of work.
So, thank you.
You didn't.
Banged my ex-husband while I was pregnant.
In the crib.
(Laughing) I mean, who needs cock that bad? You don't! I was there, it was me.
Men make us weird.
Josh made me weird.
Josh made you super weird.
I know! But it's not my fault! But I didn't get weird until it got weird, and obviously then I'm going to get weird too, you know? Oh, my God.
I understood every single word you just said.
(Moaning) Ah! It lives! (Laughing) Every time I close my eyes, I see the fwomp.
Why do I keep seeing the fwomp? Because you're alive.
I'm a weirdo.
Stop it, brain.
Oh, Annie, you have always liked sex.
And sex is great.
Oh, good sex.
Good sex is great.
Great sex is greater.
I am great at sex, and bad at relationships.
But you! You are great at both.
Oh, shut-- I could tell you stories about this lady.
In her college days, would give you such a lady boner.
(Laughing) Now I'm seeing balls.
I gotta go.
For the road.
Oh, Annie, do you have to go? We have not yet begun to drunk.
No, no.
You stay.
I shouldn't be talking about sex, I'm a widow.
You-you-- Would you call me a Duffy's? Okay.
I'll get you a cab.
Goodnight, Anne.
Night, Annie.
(Phone ringing) Hello? Sheldon? Oh, hey, Miriam.
Oh, shit, sorry.
I must've speed-dialled you by mistake.
So how are you? Um, I'm good.
I'm great.
I meant to call Katya but I dialled you instead.
I should call Katya.
Uh, yeah.
She's expecting your call.
(Doorbell ringing) Hey, you're not accidentally at my door too, are you? What? Nothing.
My doorbell just rang.
Maybe it's Danny.
It's Thursday, isn't it? Uh, yeah.
It's probably him.
All right, well, I'll talk to you-- I'll talk to you.
Frank? Hey, Sheldon.
I just stopped by to see how you're doing.
Oh, yeah? So how you doing? Um, doing good.
That's good to hear.
You're not busy, are you? No.
(Horn honking) Great.
Well, let's go, amigo.
So you coming? Sure.
(Honking) All right, we're coming.
SHANDRA: Tell me you didn't sleep with him.
You don't want to know.
Oh! You slept with him? What is happening? We are beautiful women, dammit! We keep walking into the same ditch every single time.
Hey, let's be buddies.
Let's start a buddy system.
Yeah, I'll go you one better.
Why don't we just give up men for a bit? Deal.
Pinkie swear, sister.
Pinkie swear.
(Giggling) You like that? Does it feel good? It doesn't feel good, does it? No, not at all.
I guess we're not gay.
That's the third time I've tried.
I'm so hungry, I could eat a duck.
We'll be there soon.
Where are we stopping? Relax.
You'll see.
Hey, Tina.
Hey! Hey, I think Tina should sit up here.
Is that okay, baby? Yeah, sure.
Okay! Maybe we-- Nice bum.
Where you from? Kentucky.
You wanna fuck me? (Laughing) Careful, guys.
Should've pulled over or something.
Hey, Sheldon.
Who--? Who are you, again? (Laughing) Sheldon.
I'm your girlfriend.
(All laughing) (Giggling) (Yelling) (Giggling) (Vomiting) Mom? Are you okay? I feel fantastic! (Laughing)