Less Than Kind (2008) s03e11 Episode Script

The Promise Bone

1 Let's open our own school of acting excellence.
Fucktard here thinks she's going to be an actor when she grows up.
Previously on Less Than Kind Are you a fool? What a father for my poor children.
You're not a cripple? I was just working on a character.
She's a prodigy.
What does a vice-president do? Make the new offers from Killigans to the driving school.
I don't think we're interested.
I can't stop what's going to come next.
You gotta think about what Sam would want for you.
Sam would've told you to go to hell.
(Cheering) Howdy, kids! I'm redneck Jesus! I'm gonna go back into my house, to my party, with my friends.
Blow me.
Fuck you, Sheldon.
Way to keep it classy, guys.
(Cheering) Let's make out.
What? Well, you and that Katya are making asses of yourselves.
At least the girl I kissed has a brain and an intellect and a brain.
You're gonna be a good kisser someday.
What? (Beeping) Tina seems nice.
Uh, yeah.
She's really nice.
(Beeping) That's nice that she's nice.
Is it love? (Coughing) What? Nothing.
What are you doing? Building muscle.
Weights don't build muscle.
Mom, did Brenda's mom drop off her contract this morning? Uh, no.
Not yet, honey.
That's Brenda.
She's a student at my Academy of Acting Excellence.
Eric and I are gonna manage her career.
It's the only responsible thing to do, since we trained and created her.
Got them! Who wants to see the new Blechers Driving School ad? Oh, let's see, let's see! Sweetness.
There it is.
Oh, it's fantastic.
Yeah, it really pops.
Nice job, Clara.
Can we really afford to only charge 30 bucks a lesson? Can't afford not to.
Killigans is killing us.
We are gonna kick their asses.
Uh, guys, you might want to-- Oh, God! Sweet car.
What? And up above us all Leaning into sky Our golden business boy Will watch the north end die And sing "I love this town" Then let his arching wrecking ball proclaim: "I Hate Winnipeg" Hey, Shelly.
Hey, Tinie.
Ooh! Your lap's like a beanbag chair.
A beanbag chair with a dick.
Uh, thanks.
Aww, that's so sad.
Frank and Rae? Yeah.
It's so obvious it's over.
They look happy.
Look harder.
(Laughing) Yeah.
I feel super sorry for her.
At your party, it's like she came in and ate cat poop in front of everybody.
If it was me, I'd move.
Don't be surprised if she moves.
Here are the results from last week's surprise History quiz.
Look upon these ruins, ye mighty, and despair.
SHELDON: What? Hey, we got the same mark.
Isn't that romantic? I'm sorry, sir.
We cannot offer you a $4 lesson.
I'm afraid we don't haggle, sir.
We offer a quality service at a quality price.
No, no.
No, we cannot refund your money.
Why? Because we need it! Look at this.
The board is half empty.
Okay, another way of looking at it is the board is half-- No! No, Annie.
This is bad.
We're not giving up.
We just have to offer our customers something that Killigans can't.
Such as? We'll be the fun driving school.
We'll be the fun, family-run driving school! For families, for fun! The fun family driving school? It's gonna work, it's gonna work.
I need to get this down.
This is good.
This is really, really good.
Okay, now all the fun stuff.
The fun stuff Jokes.
Bam, right there.
(Both screaming) And that is what we call the "birth day exercise".
Great work, everyone.
Why don't we take five? Nice, dude.
That was the best one.
Hey, Brenda.
When I said, "Great work, everybody," I meant, "you".
So exciting! Whatever.
I have to pee.
Oh, hey, listen.
Did your mom sign that contract? I told her not to.
What? Why? Why? Managers are only supposed to take 20%.
Yeah, but you're getting two managers.
Ow! It's standard! Ow! I have to pee! Okay, okay, okay.
Twenty percent.
Not interested.
Wait, wait, wait.
You just sign the contract, and we call up our industry contacts, and you zoom! Zoom! If you have such great contacts, why aren't you working? Uhh Don't do that, dude.
Not interested.
Hey, have you ever heard of a director named Norman Jewison? Yes.
Uh, David Cronenberg? Martin Scorsese.
Francis Ford Coppola.
James Cameron.
Sir Steven Spielberg.
Michael Bay.
Ow! Ow! Okay, wait.
What if we get you an audition? Book the audition, then we'll talk.
Yeah! Yes! Yes! Wait.
Oh, shit.
Lubbe, you gave me the wrong mark.
Is that so? Yeah.
I added it up.
I got 19 on 26, that should be a "B".
You gave me a "C+".
Yes, it's a "B", but I gave you a "C+" because you should have gotten an "A".
What? That's unfair.
Would you like me to change it to a "B"? Will that fill your heart with joy? A "B"! A "B"! The places I shall see With my lovely "B" The doors of barber college will be thrown open to me With my shiny "B" There, congratulations.
Sheldon, you're the most "A+" student I've ever taught.
And the fact that you're sliding into "B"s is keeping me awake at night.
That's why I'm gonna let you retake the test.
You'd do that for me? Well, you are practically co-parenting my son.
And for that, I owe you much, Sheldon.
That'd be great.
When is it? Right after lunch.
Oh, I have wrestling practice right after lunch, and Coach gets bent out of shape when we miss it, so.
A plumber, a fry cook a guy who counts trees The places I'll go with my lovely "B"s Okay.
Did he change your mark? He's gonna let me retake the test.
Can I talk to you alone for a second? Sure.
What? Uh, it's fine.
I just really wanted to apologise for my behaviour the other night.
I acted like an idiot, and I'm really sorry.
Thank you.
Yeah, thanks.
Uh, have you seen Danny? I kind of have one of these speeches for him too.
Uh, I haven't, no.
Okay, thanks.
What a bitch.
She was apologizing.
Yeah, like a bitch.
Eyes on the road.
Knock knock.
Is she talking to me again? Who's there? Cargo.
"Cargo", who? "Car go" beep, beep.
Why is she doing this? Because we're the fun family driving school.
Oh, my God! A dog just crapped on the seat! What? No, I'm just kidding.
It's plastic.
Knock it off! I'm scared.
Still mad at me? Look, I know things got weird the other night-- Excuse me.
They didn't get weird.
You used me.
And I should've told you about my shameful crush on Frank.
Oh, yeah.
The guy that you've been sneering at for weeks.
And that I used to hang with the wrestling clique.
Yeah, the ones that you put down as a bunch of meatheads and bimbos.
Well, they are ridiculous.
So I didn't want you to know that I was Jonesin' for the team captain like some kind of-- Ugh.
Mindless girly girl.
You know what? Frank's over there right now.
Why don't you just go talk to him? Because now would be a really dumb time to do that.
Hello, Frank.
Hello, Rae.
Frank, you bite your fingernails, you didn't call me last Tuesday, and your truck always smells like bacon cheeseburgers.
Sounds like we need to talk.
Just his truck.
That's harsh.
Why are we still standing? Don't worry.
This will never happen between us.
What is happening? Is that a chicken bone? That's her promise bone.
So it is a bone.
Promise bone.
What? I told you.
So she's breaking up with him because of his fingernails and because of his truck? No, no.
That's just for show.
That's for cheating.
You cheated on Rae? No! No! He was going to, but wrestling girls know when a guy's about to drift.
It's just creepy.
Don't touch me.
I'm just kidding.
Go ahead.
Yeah, go ahead.
Yeah, I feel better.
She catches fire.
She's gonna catch fire.
And you get 10%-- Five percent.
Ten percent of everything she makes if you get us in that room today.
Okay, I'll see if he'll read her for "Girl at playground 2".
Five percent.
Five percent.
Hey, movie star! I'm not reading "Girl at playground 2".
What? What? We just got you an audition and now you're bailing? I'm not bailing.
It's "Girl at playground 2".
I don't wanna do it.
(Sighing) Oh, I get it.
You're scared.
Excuse me? No, no, no.
We get it.
Auditioning is scary, and you're so little.
Okay, he'll see her.
Don't bother.
What? (Mouthing) I got this.
She's too much of a scaredy cat.
(Grunting) Don't you ever call me that.
Ah! Nice.
Our bookings are down 75%.
Oh, God.
I wanna go to Hawaii.
What? Sam always promised to take me to Hawaii.
Are you thinking of taking Killigans' offer? Is that wrong? Is it selfish? I think it's smart.
God, let's sell this pig.
(Laughing) So, you missed practice.
Why? I had to retake a History exam.
Well, what are you studying in History? Well, it's basically how Canada evolved during the Industrial Revolution in 19-- (Snoring) (Laughing) I'm just kidding.
I'm a wrestling coach.
And I know in recent history is that you missed practice.
So let's not have that happen again, okay? Ha-ha.
All right, now get out, and take this with you! (Laughing) Big tourney next week.
I think I should quit the team.
It was the noogie, wasn't it? In the middle of it, I was like, "Too far, too much, too much.
" I apologize.
We'll see you at the next practice.
I really think I should quit.
Can you read that sign? Yes.
Oh, then you can't quit the team, Sheldon, because you are not on this team! Get out of my office! Hold on.
Wait, wait.
Sit down.
I'm sorry.
I lost my temper there.
My ex-wife says she married me for my temper.
Turns out, it was a lie.
Look, you can't quit the team.
Sir, I don't want to be on the team.
Then get the hell out of my office! Sheldon.
Come on.
Come back to the team.
We miss you.
Is this what you want? Huh? You want me to beg? No.
Good 'cause my momma didn't raise no beggars.
Sheldon, wait! (Moaning) Sheldon.
I heard you quit the wrestling team.
Sheldon Blecher, you have one eye that sometimes drifts and makes you look kind of cross-eyed.
Just break my promise bone.
You don't dress to hide your fatness, and you never wave at me.
Just break the damn bone.
I may not be as smart as you, but one thing I do now is, is I don't want cross-eyed babies.
Hey, man.
How's it going in there? It's been, like, 45 minutes.
Is she okay? Yeah, no, she's amazing.
We're reading for the lead right now.
I've gotta get back in there.
Reading her for the lead.
The lead.
We fuckin' made it.
We fuckin' made it.
I wanna be honest with you.
This thing we have going between us, this partnership, this is the best relationship I've ever had.
I fuckin' love you, man.
I love you too.
What's the first thing you're gonna do when you go to L.
? What do you think I'm gonna do? Go to a jet showroom, start pricing out private jets? Oh, my God.
We have the same brain.
(Knocking on door) Jim? Hi.
Anne! CLARA: Hi, Jim.
Hi, Clara.
Your secretary said you were in, so.
And she said just to come in? Yeah.
All right, well, better come in, then.
Why don't you have a seat? She just said to come right in, eh? Okay, so, what do I owe the pleasure? Well, I want to start by apologizing for the way that I behaved at the house.
Oh, no.
I think, honestly, that, um, I was just thrown by your generosity.
Well, there's something I don't hear too often.
Oh, Jim, you're too modest.
There's something I don't hear too often either.
(Laughing) Well, um, we reconsidered, and I think you'll be happy to hear that we've decided to accept Killigans' offer, your offer.
The generous one.
Okay, about that, the offer.
It's-- That particular offer, that's not really on the table anymore.
I'm not authorized.
What are you saying? I just-- I don't understand.
Is the offer gone, or--? Well, no, I can make a new offer.
You're just not going to like it, so I'm not going to.
No, no.
Jim, make us an offer.
No, you're not gonna want me to make you an offer.
No, it was fun last time.
Remember? We wrote numbers on cards and then we swapped numbers, and it was fun? Was fun.
That's my offer.
The cars alone are worth more than this.
I tell you what I can do.
I can let you sell off the cars separate from-- Separated.
You know what I'm saying? I can do that.
You prick! Clara.
No, no.
Is this is? We known you almost 20 years, Jim.
And this--? (Playing music loudly) Look, you don't know these people.
Well, I thought I knew you.
You guys are actually getting off kind of easy here.
He's full of shit, Annie.
Other companies are getting buried.
You should've told him to go fuck himself last time.
(Shushing) Go fuck yourself.
And fuck Killigans! And Sheridan smokes in his office! No, I don't! Let's go.
I bet this time next year, we're taking Brenda to that film festival in "Canees".
I think it's "Cannes".
Or "Cans".
I'm gonna be flying on my own personal Gulfstream G650.
Yeah? Well, I'm gonna have an assistant whose only job is to figure out who blows me next.
Hey! What's going on? (Knocking on door) Hello? There's no one in here.
Oh, my God.
This place is empty.
Everyone has disappeared.
What?! Oh, wait.
There's a guy right there.
(Sighing) Brenda.
(Dialing) Brenda! Hi, what's going on? What? What? No! No! What? No! What? What? Brenda, stay there! Wait for us.
Shit! The producers are taking her to L.
without us! What?! Dude, I can't say it any easier! What?! Hello? Mom? Miriam? Oh, sorry.
I just let myself in.
Is that okay? I guess.
What's up? Is it true Tina broke your promise bone? Yeah.
Miriam, why are you here? Do you, um, ever wish things could go back to the way they were? All the time.
This is nice.
It's very nice.
What's in the bag? Underwear.
Not my underwear.
Uh, it's Danny's.
Why do you have a bag of Danny's underwear? Mr.
Lubbe gave it to me.
Danny's staying here, right? I haven't seen him since the party.
The party.
Where Danny got drunk, beat himself up, and we both kind of shit on him.
Where are you going? To call Mr.
And tell him what? That Danny's missing.
Here we go.
Come on! I'm coming.
Hurry! Brenda, Brenda! What are you guys doing here? Mom, I told you.
Don't look at them, don't talk to them.
What happened at the audition? What if we only take 17%? Brenda! I know what's happening here.
You're worried about having Josh as a manager.
I get it.
I'd be worried too.
What?! What are you doing? Dude, it's all good.
I got this.
I got this, I got this.
I know what you're thinking: Josh is a has-been, mediocre actor who reeks of failure, has no talent and not an ounce of integrity, right? What?! Dude, trust me.
I got this.
It's so good right now.
We got here.
We are in agreement 120%.
He has been like a weight around my neck for years.
What?! But take me.
Take me.
I can help you.
No! Please, take me with you.
No, no, no.
Please, take me! Please, please! Take me! Drive.
I taught you everything! How could you do this to me?! No, no! No! Fuck! What the--? Way to screw that up, Josh.
What the fuck? You backstabbed me right in my face! Well, what the hell else am I gonna do? Become a driving school instructor? Fuck you! (Squealing) (Both yelling)