Letterkenny (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

Ain't No Reason To Get Excited

subtitle by peritta A couple hockey players come up to the produce stand the other day (MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO) - (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) - KATY: Bye! Can't believe your sister's still dating these nut sacks.
- Wayne.
- How're you now? - KATY: Good and you? - Not so bad.
- Hi, Katy.
- Go home, Daryl.
Nice onesie.
Does it come in men's? Oh, I think you cum in men enough for all of us.
I think you better come in my I mean, you better come I think you better come say that to his face, you fucking hicks! - Nice execution.
- You're doin' terrific.
Hey, I heard about your break-up, buddy.
She was your sweetie for five years, right? Your high school sweetie, right? - What's it to ya? - Heard she cheated on you, buddy.
That's a real kick in the knackers, bro.
Just a real ouchie, bro.
It's too bad she taught you not to fight anymore, buddy.
'Cause that's a fight on sight for you and her new guy, buddy.
Fourth line for life, bro.
Maybe, if you'd ever been in a real fight, you might not be so keen for another.
What did you say? You heard me.
Hold my spitter.
Darts off, boys.
You looking for a tilly, buddy? - Let's have a donnybrook.
- DARYL: Pump the brakes.
You take your shirt off, but leave your sunglasses on? What sort of backwards fuckin' pageantry is that? Do you want to fight with those shades or play pokerstars.
com? Hold my spitter.
Dude, I can't hold your spitter.
You're holding my spitter.
- Just put the spitters down.
- Tick-tock.
- Go time! - Go time! Look at that fuckin' treasure trail.
WAYNE: What's up with your fuckin' body hair, big shoots.
You look like a 12-year-old Dutch girl.
Your aesthetician quaff that for you? DARYL: You can kiss my ass-thetician.
- You guys do cross fit? - You can cross-fuck-off.
Cross fart.
How many times you pulled your horn today, bud? - What? - Oh, she's bashful.
Oh, come on, kitten.
I won't tell anyone.
Ball park six to eight? - You're a fucking animal.
- Play a little five on one.
- WAYNE: Hit the kitchen, mix a batch.
- DARYL: Feed the ducks.
Distribute some free literature.
Go time! Fuckin' Shed 'em! Riley! Jonesy! Put your fuckin' shirts on! Get outta here! - BOTH: This isn't over! - Jinx.
You owe me a Coke.
Never buy you a Coke.
It's a hard life pickin' stones and pullin' teats but sure as God's got sandals it beats fightin' dudes with treasure trails.
We're out of yogurt.
I brought some from home.
KATY: So why didn't you stay there and eat it.
- Mornin' Dary.
- Mornin'.
- WAYNE: Thank you.
- Welcome.
So, you talked to Angie yet? It's been almost a month now.
Think you need to get back on the horse.
She stepped out on you.
Can't go back to that and get any respect.
Not in Letterkenny.
Wayne, Angie did you a lot of good.
Somewhere along the way you kinda got soft.
You're not even fighting anymore.
- You know what you need? - Sex.
With a girl.
Not just any girl.
A good Christian girl.
I think I can help you.
I've been going to the Burning Bush Youth Group every Sunday.
I think you should come with me.
I think you should just eat your yogurt.
There's millions of starving kids in the world.
Yeah? Name ten.
(SIGHS) You need a distraction.
Something fun.
Look at this.
It's called Tinder.
Look, see there's all these girls and if you don't like one, you just say nope and move onto the next.
But if you do like one, then you can see how close they are and I don't know, maybe meet up or whatever.
So if you like 'em you just type 'em out a message or what's the scoop? Yeah.
You just, you know, say something like Like, "On a scale of one to America, how free are you right now?" Oh, Jesus! Look at these nut sacks.
Why do you hate them so much? 'Cause hockey players would grab a monkey by the tit if they could.
Smokes are for jokes, bud! Put it out before it puts you out, bud! (CHUCKLES) Trash the ash, pal! Ouch! Put it out! Put it out! Put it out! Put it out! Tell the fish hook story, Dan.
It's really more of a Wayne story.
Yeah, but he won't tell it.
Oh, you've heard it a baker's dozen times.
Tell the story or he won't shut up.
DAN: Is there anymore trail mix? It's in the house.
Yous makes the most delicious trail mix, Katy, and I got to say that's what I appreciates about you.
Is that what you appreciate about me? Pitter-patter, squirrely Dan.
So, as the story goes, Wayne hucks an egg at a truck with a Confederate flag in the back windshield and the driver's fumin' pissed.
So, we flee the scene goin' full tilt like a Peterbilt, right? Now, The Federales catch up to us and chase us through a few backyards before we scamper up into some trees and all Wayne's got on is a pair of cut-off jean shorts so he ain't exactly super jazzed about the situation, was you Wayne? Oh, I'm no DJ Jazzy Jeff.
The Federale pulls out his Taser, and he points it up at Wayne and says some real Clint Eastwood-sounding shit.
He says to Wayne, he says, "If I'd known I was going to run into some uptown street toughs today, "I'd have done up my top button.
" (CHUCKLES) That's from a John Wayne motion picture.
No, Cool Hand Luke.
Pert near anything Kevin Costner, really.
Either way, I's impressed and I'd let out an audible gasp so he hears me, spins around, aims the Taser up at me and lets fire, and if that thing doesn't latch onto my nipple ring, which I'm pretty sure amplified the electric current, he sent coursing through my entire body.
And they just walked over and yanked that thing out of my nipple like it was a goddamn fish hook.
At least that's according to my cousin.
Well, you know, my second cousin.
- Who, Garrett? - No, Jarrett.
- Huh - I cried.
I'm not even ashamed to admit that.
(BURPS) That was well brought up.
Too bad you weren't.
I should say.
Thirsty Thursdays, boys.
Might as well get balls deep in a bottle of Gus'n Bru tonight.
It's a four leaf clover.
Make a wish.
Wish you weren't so fucking awkward, bud.
(BLOWS) (BURPS) KATY: Is Angie working? DARYL: Better have a peek-see, Wayne.
- GAIL: How are yous? - WAYNE: Not too bad.
- Good.
And you? - Not too bad.
Smells like someone's in their barn clothes.
It's Dary.
Four shots of Gus'n Bru, please and thank you, One for you, too, Gailor.
Thank you, Wayne, but I'm off the sauce.
Taking eight vitamins a day now.
- What are you taking? - I'm taking multi-vitamin, fish oil, vitamin C, vitamin D, two vitamin B complexes and two Cold-FX's.
Yeah, but 'cept how many darts though? Twenty, 25 darts.
Oh, you got 'er down then? Last I seen ya, you were on a pack and half of smokes.
Well, sometimes, I'll have a pack and a half of smokes, but never more than two packs of smokes.
Good enough.
All right.
Won't be rude.
I'd hang a piss.
Oh, fuck.
I'm about to give birth to a pound of fudge.
How 're ya now? - Good 'n you? - Not so bad.
Seen Angie, with her new dude? What a fuckin' dandy.
He's got fugazi-diamonds in both ears and leprechaun buckles on his shoes.
Running a fuckin' Dippity-Doo convention upstairs for a salad.
Driving a '94 Jeep YJ with a wave decal on the side.
Enough cologne to offend a Bangkok lady boy.
Good enough.
This must be where the dicks hang out, eh? Our dicks hang out.
Yours is like a mushroom in a corn field.
Mind your fuckin' business, Alexander.
Seen Angie with her new dude? What a fuckin' dandy.
Eyes on your own work there, super chief.
- (ALEXANDER LAUGHING) - (DOOR OPENS) Thank Christ, Wayne, I'm pushing clobs here.
Get outta the way, I'm growing a tail.
Wayne, I would like to cordially invite you to the Burning Bush Youth Group this Sunday, for an evening of song and praise.
Hard no.
My sweetie, Margaret, is a first class gal.
She's got some friend she introduce you to.
You're a pervert, Daryl.
Jesus, your breath could stop a Mack truck right now.
All right, cool it.
What say, we go for a quick ice run, Wayne? I'm pushing up on you for years now.
What's say you give old Gailor one for the scrapbook? Huh? I'll do the Youth Group.
All right.
DAN: Gail, looks like the John's allergic to fudge.
DAN: Bring the plunger, we may have to break this one up.
Told you to flush as you go.
Christ be with you.
- And you must be Wayne.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Christ be with you, Wayne.
- Hello.
How are yous? - Oh, not s'bad.
- Good 'n you? Perfect.
You made a good choice coming here, tonight.
Yeah? Why is that? Hold your finger here for as long as you can.
What for - All right.
- Now imagine, your soul engulfed in that for all of eternity.
God is good.
That's how they get you.
Wayne's been going through a bit of a rough break up, and I thought a night at the Burning Bush might help him out.
Plus, it's better than spending all his time on Tinder.
Tinder? Did you know that it was originally called Grindr and that it was made for gay men to sodomize each other? - No.
- Yeah.
Good way to get a finger in your bum.
Or a tongue in your bum.
Do you know what Dick Dingers are? No.
It's when they snort drugs off of each other's erect penises.
That have just been in bums.
Oh, my gourd! Look at this turnout.
Hi, everybody.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING) Quick question for all y'all.
How good is God? (CHEERING AND APPLAUDING) I know, I know, I love him.
He's the best.
Second question, has anyone seen Where is my beautiful girlfriend, Virginia? Ginny, where are you? GLEN: There she is, Ginny, come on up here.
Come up, Ginny.
- (CLAPS) - Oh, ugh, Ginny.
Ginny, Ginny, Ginny.
I still remember, like it was yesterday, the day that the Lord gave you to me.
And he said, "Glen, "this is your blank canvas, it is pale.
"It is colorless, it is almost cardboard-like.
"I want you "to give it life, to give it color.
" And so I said to the Lord, "I will give it everything, everything.
"Except for one thing.
" - (AUDIENCE CHATTERING) - What was that question? Uh, hmm? Vaginal intercourse! (AUDIENCE CHEERING) GLEN: Guess what, boys and girls? You're in for somethin' special, 'cause we got The Salty Treats.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING) (ROCK SONG PLAYING) What the actual fuck is this place? Why can't you just enjoy yourself? It's 'cause I get onto this Tinder thing, and now they tell me it's for finding dudes.
But that's some bullshit, right? - I don't know.
- You want some strawberry lemonade? I haven't seen this sort of fuckin' bedlam since we fired Roman Candles at coyotes that night and caught one right in the butt hole, fuck.
Ran up the back porch, dropped seven shades of shit in Dad's work boots.
Could have been a wolf.
There's wolf's in the back bush.
There's for sure mooses.
- Have a dart.
- Yeah, I'd have a dart.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, fuckin' Grindr.
Grindr? - (GROWLING) Grindr.
- What? Pray tell, what are you doing on Grindr, Wayne? What are you skids doing out of your parents' basement, Stewart? The gang and I have been doing hip-hop karaoke for the better part of 48 hours.
Out on the decks.
- Ones and twos.
- The entire 48.
Subsequently spittin' hot fire.
(EXHALES) Playing Mega-Man and Final Fantasy on original NES.
Pokemon Gold, on GameBoy Color.
- Gotta catch 'em all.
- Bulbasaur, Ivysaur, Venusaur, Charmeleon, Charizard, fuckin' Charmander.
Fuckin' Charmander.
WAYNE: Time to take about 20% off on the meth intake, boys Lion King was far ahead of its time.
Makes you think far beyond your years.
Disney games prevail! You got any weed? I always regret coming to the surface with you, day-walking hicks.
The minutiae of your world.
My basement resembles an island Xanadu, in comparison.
- Okay.
- Ah, but some quick math tells me this time, however, you've been so agonized by a woman you're now seeking the company of men.
(GIGGLES) Oh, okay.
We've all thought about it.
Well, good on you for doubling down.
Although, I didn't peg you for a pipe fitter, Wayne.
(GROWLING) Pegged! Five years with Andie, we figured you were a concrete clam slammer.
Why drink from the furry cup when the garden hose is right there? Who knew he liked the chutney ferret, eh fellas? (ALL LAUGHING) Fuckin' what? - Knob jockey.
- Back door bandit.
I'm gay, but donut puncher! (CHUCKLES) - Just gimme my phone.
- Oh, yeah, sure thing.
- Oklahomo.
- Rear admiral.
- Uphill gardener.
- (LAUGHING) Bum bumper.
This is awkward for me, you guys.
Hey, it's okay.
We know, and we support you.
(GRUNTS) All right.
Donald Trump of rump! (ALL LAUGHING) - Phone.
- Okay.
But only because you have this weird - Menergy - (IN FALSETTO) Menergy! - About you.
- (MOANS) Sorry.
- That's a great name for a spa.
You know I love ripping didge.
If you don't change your attitude you're gonna lose out on all the girls.
Like the 12-year-olds or the 13-year-olds? DARYL: Well, have you noticed all the well-groomed dudes here? MARGARET: You missed the best part.
Glen just did his didgeridoo solo.
Well, that's pretty much it.
You guys wanna get some milk shakes? - I think Modeans is open.
- Boy, howdy.
Well, well, well Daryl, girl, Wayne.
Bit surprised to see you here, I'm being honest.
Didn't realize you were big fan of the didge.
More of a didgere-don't? (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) (GIGGLES) What do you do with the fertile, Wayne? Didn't I just catch you cruisin' Grindr? Come again? Hey, shouldn't you boys be watching Friday Night Lights with a gym sock on your joy stick? Chirp Tim Riggins.
I fuckin' dare you.
Mix in a little One Tree Hill and maybe some Gossip Girl.
But I think we've got bigger fish to fry right here.
Looking for love over the rainbow now, are we Dorothy? I hate you, but can confirm deer season's over.
He's hunting bear now.
- (GROWLING) - (LAUGHING) I fuckin' hate you too.
However, fuckin' hate him more.
And I just found out he's ambidextrous.
What are they talking about, Wayne? RILEY: He likes dicks now.
In his bum.
Or his mouth.
RILEY: All over.
WOMAN: Oh, my God.
That's Angie's new boyfriend? DARYL: Oh, that's that city boy.
- (CHUCKLES) - What a shit.
Fuck, Lemony Snicket, what a series of unfortunate events you fuckin' been through, you ugly fuck.
Boulevard of Broken Dreams.
- RILEY: Fuck you, Stewart.
- Hey, fuck you MAN: Yeah, fuck yourself.
(HORN HONKING) (PHONE BEEPS) You must be having a fun night.
"Ur bro is gay.
" In all caps, from Riley.
Wayne? You remember when you were 19, those worm pickers kept coming in the night and trampling on our beans? What did you do? Dug six foot holes, put a skunk in each one and waited for them to fall in.
Remember when the skids egged Daryl on his bike? What did you do? Put some stink bombs in a Nerf gun and fired it at them on prom night.
Remember when you came in from chorin' and found those messages on my computer from a guy cal ling me a slut? I wanted a piece of that guy for a long time.
You drove over to his house and broke his nose on his front lawn.
You know, I miss that Wayne.
I think a lot of people do.
It's for the better.
(HUMMING) (GRUNTING AND MUMBLING) This is Sparta! (TROY LAUGHING) Ow! Fuck! What the hell are you doing? I'd ask you the same thing, you fuckin' tit.
I'm taping an idiot.
I'm not sneaking up on dudes and starting fights.
I'm not fightin' ya.
I'm smackin' ya.
Oh, that's right.
You don't fight anymore, do you? I figured I'd have one on deck for sure after I stole your girl.
Nothin', eh? No move? She must've trained you well.
So what's it gonna take to get you back on the horse there, champ? Do I go inside and spread Angie right out on the bar when she gets here? I've fucked your girl more times than you've had a hot meal.
Maybe your sister wants to join us.
It's Katy, right? Shit.
Why don't I go over there and ask her myself? (GRUNTS IN PAIN) (GROANS) Pull your pants up, Alexander.
You've come this far.
(BOTTLE SHATTERS) (WHIMPERS) (SPITS) Welcome to fuckin' Letterkenny.
Good to have you back, big brother.
- Hi, Katy - KATY: Go home, Daryl.
Have a good one bro.
- RILEY: Bye, Wayne.
RILEY: See you later, buddy.
subtitle by peritta
Next Episode