Letterkenny (2016) s01e04 Episode Script

Wing Man Wayne

Subtitle by peritta You were out gettin' good with your pals the other night.
It's been so long since I've had a pair of tits in my hands, I popped a lap rocket opening up a can of tuna last Sunday morning.
Oh, that's off-putting.
Not to old Gail, it isn't.
I'd love to hear your big bang theory, Daniel.
- WAYNE: Ew.
- Print it.
This is officially me callin' down for more mayo.
- That's clever.
- GAIL: Do you like magic? Pop that purple home wrecker over here.
I'll make her disappear.
We should just be out there just pole vaultin' around town, boys.
Wouldn't say no to a bit of toe curlin' and I don't mean maybe.
GAIL: It won't be long before you have the option.
College and university kids will be home for the summer next week.
Well, that should help your spring fever.
Which is a serious condition if not handled appropriately.
Mini-skirt and T-bar season.
By all means, ladies.
Express yourselves.
Go easy down there, Squirrely Dan.
I suffered severely from the spring fever last year, had to go into full cougar mode with an 18-year-old.
- Oh? - May have been my second cousin.
It was either that or be at home flickin' it to Grapefruit League baseball highlights.
You know they're all gonna be in here lookin' for a bit of "how's your father.
" Make sure your game is tight or you'll be home firing wristers.
Firing what? Oh.
What say we make this interesting.
Whichever one of you grabs a tail first gets 50 bucks off their bar tab.
That is a Texas sized 10-4.
No, you two get after it.
Here's a tip.
When the gettin's good around here, stay close to your pal Wayne.
Kid's got more spunk than a hotel room hand towel.
Well, here's a tip.
Don't fart in a spacesuit.
Here's a tip.
Don't sneeze when you're taking a piss.
Here's a tip.
It's really hard to get tuna out of your dick hole.
This place is about to be crawling with snapper.
Let's hope this is the last night you'll be going home to make a bald man puke.
You naturally prefer companionship, but I guess there's a lot worse things than playing a little one man couch hockey in the dark.
REILLY: Wearing number 22 for the Tackville Tornados - (SPITS) - Who fuckin' cares.
Dig deep, bare down, you fuckin' hero.
You're my fuckin' hero, two-two.
Nice flow, you fuckin' donkey.
Take a lap.
TEAMMATE: Hey, give your balls a tug, you tit fucker! What the fuck are you lookin' at, twos, huh? You lookin' at my cock, you fuckin' sally? Mix in some class, you fuckin' cock looker! You're a fuckin' cock looker, two-two! Hey, shut the fuck up.
- You're a fuckin' hero, twos.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) Fuckin' suck at hockey, two-two! Loser.
REILLY: Ever wonder why Katy doesn't come watch us play anymore, bud? Makes no fuckin' sense, buddy.
Just fuckin' stud army born to go silky shelf.
Silky studs.
I mean Italian silk.
Just rippin' ched.
- Just chuckin' mitts and suckin' tits.
- (SPITS) Tossin' mitties, suckin' titties.
Just look at the snipers up there.
Here to support the boys.
Must be nice Ferda.
Ferda It'd be pretty sick to see Katy up there again.
So sick.
Atta be sures, eh? First thirsty Thursday of the season, boys.
How's team morale? I'm most excited for Buck Hunter.
Boy, I'm gonna tell ya that's what I'm gonna do, holy fuck.
You guys know if Gail's making pickled eggs or pickled sausages? Bear in mind there is no wrong answer to this question.
I'm gonna be posting up and looking for love, and I don't care who knows it.
Don't set the bar too high, mutant.
That's fair.
KATY: You guys going to be wearing belts? Hard no.
Why don't you guys wear belts? 'Cause we buy pants that fucking fit.
Why would I buy a piece of leather that costs $25, when I have a perfectly good skate lace at home? $25? No.
Fucking $25, you're lucky to have a $25 bill.
Fuck, you've been to Winners lately? You're talking about $35, $45.
Slow down there, Mr.
I go down to the flea market at St.
Jacobs, $25 could get you at least five belts.
Plus, a commemorative belt buckle says, "Jesus holds up my pants.
" For Sunday morning.
Boy, howdy.
KATY: (CHUCKLES) Bunch of d-gens.
- (RAP MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO) - REILLY: Ten losses in a row, bro.
JONESY: Two's a streak, bro.
REILLY: Like where the fuck Schultzy been out there? Schultzy's dog shit.
Soupy's a plug.
- Smitty's a pile.
- Millsy.
- Cartsy.
- Burnsy.
- Deetzy.
- Brooksy.
- Brooksy's got a hern-dog.
- Seri-dog? He's having off-season surgery for a sports hern-dog.
He's out four to six.
- Four to six for.
- Best plan.
- Like where's Coopsy been? - Playing like poopsy.
- Playing like Milan Poocic.
- P.
And Ryan Poo-gent Hopkins.
Pookka Rask.
The brothers Miko and Saku Koi-poo.
- REILLY: Joke, bro.
- JONESY: It's embarrassing.
Katy! How come you don't watch us play anymore? 'Cause you're dog shit.
We're not dog shit.
I mean, the boys are dog shit.
But we're pretty good.
Is that why they always play and you guys never do? She might be onto something there, bro.
Not seeing a whole lot of special teams time, buddy.
I haven't killed a penalty all year.
I mean, we wanna score goals, but we'd just end up killing them boys.
Would you come watch if we play a regular shift? Duh.
The fuck else am I going to do around here? Time to set up a meeting with the Coach.
Buh-doo! (BOTH SPITTING) We're the biggest Pantene pros in the league.
Mix in some big minutes for a couple stick and pucksters.
You guys don't give a shit about winning.
You just want the hockey player lifestyle.
You are posers.
So what are we gonna do? COACH: You need to get in shape! Study the tape! Play with some intensity! Hold my spitter.
So basically what you are saying is We're at this level.
But we've got to get to this level.
Done! You're a fucking beauty.
Registered beautician.
What do you guys think of the program? Well Uh Just kidding, I don't give a fuck.
(DOOR CLOSES) - Gutty.
- Yeah, a little gutty.
- Little gutty.
- Fuck.
(BOTH SPIT) (MUSIC PLAYING) (INDISTINCT TALKING) (GUNFIRE) DAN: That's when you cut off her balls.
- Cut off her balls? - Correct.
DARYL: I think you mean, "Cut off his balls.
" DAN: Incorrect.
- Oh, no? - Oh, yes.
That is why you never give a sword to a hooker.
Hey, Wayne.
How many planets are there? WAYNE: Well, with the whole Pluto debate.
Give or take, eight planets.
There'll only be seven after I destroy Uranus.
- Buy you a drink? - Okay.
Who's that? WAYNE: Who? Kyle Schneidstiller's sister? DARYL: Is that who she is? That's Kyle Schneidstiller's little sister.
You know, he's a decent dude.
She's finer than frog hair.
Have an eye for the fertility, boys.
She's been knocked-up twice.
She's a one-shot Sally.
WAYNE: Also She dated Boots for a while before he went to jail.
You guys ever hear anything about that guy fucking an ostrich? No The Ginger fucked an ostrich.
It would take more than one guy to fuck an ostrich.
We've heard that it was a sick ostrich.
Well, it would take two guys to fuck an ostrich.
Three even.
Again, we're hearing it was a sick ostrich.
Still, it's a three-man job to fuck one.
But wait Was that before or after he dated Kyle Schneidstiller's sister? Oh, it's almost not worth thinkin' about.
WAYNE: Oh, we have an eye.
She's sweet on you, Dary.
That's your next sweetie right there.
Go talk to her.
What's your logic there? You see what she's doing with her hair? That's called a hair show.
When a gal's sweet on a guy, and she wants to get his attention, she just starts fucking with her hair whole bunch.
What for? So you notice more about the way they look.
Like how her face is framed with her hair up or down.
And also make you think like Well, I wouldn't wanna touch it.
Well, yeah, I think I would like to touch it.
Well, get after it.
But don't lead with the touchin', though.
All right.
I will.
Just, not just yet.
Maybe after a couple.
- JONESY: Okay, bro, workout program.
- Gotta start with burpees, buddy.
Just ripping burpee boxshums, buddy.
50 burpees, 50 pushups 50 burpees, 50 pushups.
- Stairs.
- Protein break.
Just ripping skull crashers.
Just rippin' forced reps.
Forced rep super sets.
- Bird up.
- Just rippin' anti-gravity press.
Just rippin' Advanced Kettlebell Windmill.
Just rippin' barbell half-squats.
Just rippin' drop sets.
Just rippin' Swiss ball jackknifes.
Just rippin' silly animal stack.
Just rippin' bent over rear delt raise with head on bench.
Fuckin' delts to die for, buddy.
Just rippin' cable rope overhead tricep extensions.
Legs? Hate doing legs.
Let's skip leg day.
TEAMMATE: That's the best ass-wash of your life right there, boys.
Good work, Shoresy.
Look at the hustle on, Shoresy.
Best ass-wash of your life.
Perfect score in the bonus round.
Don't think I've ever seen that before.
Remember what happened here today.
You can't forget something like that.
Seen Angie in here with her new boyfriend again a couple nights ago.
Oh, who gives a care.
Remember I told you he was in a '94 Jeep YJ with a wave decal on the side? - He made an upgrade.
- Short trip.
Pulled up in here in a 2003 aquamarine Audi wagon with a magenta "Fear this" sticker on the back.
Ain't no reason to get excited.
Came in here wearing a pair of Fandango pink pastel khakis with a white, gold leather chain fuckin' wallet, Creed T-shirt on.
I know.
He had a deep carrot orange fedora with a burnt orange stripe and a little cauliflower blue feather with a fucking, I don't know, looked like to me some kind of a black-bearded titmouse or some kind of shit.
Did you know there's a type of bird called a Bushtit? - I did not.
- It's a type of chickadee.
He also had an imperial purple That'll do, McMurray.
I'm just sayin' it must suck balls to lose to a fucking douchebag like that.
Heard you doin' all right at Buck Hunter.
What say I give you a quick squeezer in the parking lot there, eh? Could be worse.
Could indeed.
There a vet around here, ladies? These puppies are sick.
Christ, I would snort her dandruff.
DARYL: Dandruff is a fungus.
I think you mean you'd sniff her flakes.
Then you are giving me far too much credit, my boy.
(LOUDLY) Oh, oh.
Lookin' some comely tonight there, big fella.
Do you wanna know what, Gail? I think you've got a case of the spring fever.
Can I get you a drink? Okay.
You see that one? She's like a Middle Eastern rebel army.
'Cause there's a political uprising in my pants.
Well, shoulders back.
Here she comes.
Excuse me, boys.
She's sweet on you.
Get after it.
You think so? You see what she just did? Touched your back and then, moved on? That's called the unnecessary squeeze-by.
- Is that what it's called? - Mmm-hmm.
You noticed she had about half a fuckin' soccer field to get past but instead leaned in close, got a bit handsy like there was only a tiny lane to get by? The unnecessary squeeze-by.
Go talk to her.
Let's fire back a couple of shots first.
Well, this is swiftly becoming a counterproductive practice, but okay.
Look at Coopsy out there.
Just dog shit.
You mean Claude Gir-poo? Roberto Poo-ongo.
I mean, look at you.
You're Kenny coast-to-coast out there, buddy.
You're Harry High-Sock buddy.
Cory clap bombs.
Thank you.
Snipe! Didn't your coach tell you to get in shape? It's our cheat day.
We'll be rippin' silly plyometrics right after this so they cancel each other out.
Then it's arms.
Just rippin' concentration curls.
Just rippin' cross body hammer curls.
Just rippin' alternate dumbbell bicep curls.
Just rippin' lying close grip bar curl on high pulley.
Just rippin' alternate one-arm dumbbell preacher curls.
Just rippin' standing one-arm bicep curl over incline bench.
You're an idiot.
We're smoke-bombing over to throw some weights around now.
You wanna come? Okay.
Ninja dust.
Resistance training! Muscle atrophy! Take some snaps of us, snipe.
Yeah, take some snaps for our Facebooks, snipey! Take your shirts off.
Tarps off, boys.
Sheddin' tarp, boys.
(BOTH PANTING) Take a knee, boys.
Grab a knee boys.
(EXHALES) Those beta-blockers really helped you up your explosive potential, bro.
Muscular endurance, muscular strength, bro.
Really working those fast-twitch muscle fibers, buddy.
Isokinetic exercise to really test your lactic threshold, buddy.
You're never gonna plateau with that overload principle, buddy.
Rate of perceived exertion.
You really hit your target heart rate with vigorous intensity.
Thanks, buddy.
REILLY: (EXHALES) So? We got in shape and studied the tape.
You gonna come watch us play with intensity tomorrow? Yeah, I could do that.
Wheel, snipe, celly, boys! Fuckin' dangles, boys! Ninja dust.
Hmm? How are you now? - Good and you? - Not so bad.
Um Do you know where the washroom is? Sure, just right back there.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
And I'm Jessica.
I know.
Now tell me you saw that.
GAIL: What? She's givin' me the big eyes.
Is that what she was doing? Big eyes? You know, when a gal's sweet on a dude and she's shorter than him? Instead of tilting her neck up to look at him, she'll just keep her head straight and look up with her eyes.
Like puppy dog eyes.
It's like "Do you know where the washroom is?" Versus "Do you know where the washroom is?" Okay.
Big eyes.
Wayne, she's still giving you the big eyes.
Well, don't have to tell me twice.
It's about time one of you showed some finish.
She's so hot I'd jerk off her dad just to see where she came from.
Who? Jivin' Pete? No.
That's her dad.
Jivin' Pete.
Jivin' Pete.
Got his nuts are all bunned up after a donkey kicked him.
Ruptured the hydrocele.
One of them swole up to look like a ripe avocado.
Other one looks like a peach pit.
I'll get him to show it to you.
He'll show to just about anybody when he's drunk.
Either way, whole unit's more cauliflowered than a UFC fighter's ear.
(PLAYERS SHOUTING) Nice, nice penalty kill, boys.
Love the hustle! - Love the hustle! - Look at that hustle, eh? Well, piece of shit Who brought the fuckin' rocket, boys? TEAMMATE 1: Holy fuck, boys.
Who's billet sister's a fuckin' rocket? TEAMMATE 2: She's a fuckin' rocket.
I got a fucking rocket in my pants, right now.
TEAMMATE 2: Dibs on digis, boys.
TEAMMATE 1: Already dibs'd digits, buddy.
No, I dibs'd her in warm up, you were throwin' sauce at the blue line.
I was dibsing digis.
Who the fuck you dibs 'em to? TEAMMATE 2: A dibs is a dibs is a dibs, buddy.
Who gives a shit.
If a dibs falls in the forest and there's no one around to hear it, is it still a dibs? Well, fuck, yeah, buddy! Fuck no, buddy! Give your balls a tug, you tit fucker! Wake up, you fuckin' pheasants! BOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
(MUSIC PLAYING) Wake up, you mutants.
You're missing out on all the girls who do not want to have sex with you.
Awfully pedestrian effort from our boys tonight, Katy.
No discount on bar tabs tonight, Chester and Charlie! What was your problem, big shoots? He did all right.
Didn't you, Wayne? He spent some time in the bathroom with a hot, little spinner who had such a butt on her.
I took one look at it and thought, "Jesus Christ, woman, "you shit with that ass?" Attaboy! Boys! - Sniper.
- Snipe! KATY: Gotta say, I had a fucking hoot at the game.
Two fights.
Hockey players have the nicest asses.
Okay, we don't want you coming anymore.
Too distracting for the boys.
- Ferda.
- Ferda.
- What? - Uh It's too distracting.
For the boys.
KATY: Yeah, no, I heard you.
I heard you say that I'm a distraction.
Well, guess I'll have to find one of your teammates to dibs my digits.
BOTH: We dibs'd those digis! You did a decent job with these d-gens tonight.
Thank you, Gail.
I said decent.
You forgot the most important thing.
Don't get so drunk you couldn't use it even if you had the option.
I'll tell you what and I'll only tell you once.
You've got the pick of the litter around here so you may as well get pickin'.
I've got this fifty bucks and no one to claim it.
What say we put it in your jeans and see what else is hangin' around in there while we're at it? No.
- Like what's in your jeans, big fella? - Nothin' I mean it.
Cripes, I may not go down in history, but I'll go down on you.
(CHUCKLING) You want to do 68? - I'll help you clean up.
- You'll go down on me? And I'll owe you one.
Where's that rag? There it is.
Wake up, big shoots and really big shoots.
More hands make less work.
Call me cake! 'Cause I go straight to your ass, cowboy.
There's cake? No.
Subtitle by peritta
Previous EpisodeNext Episode