Letterkenny (2016) s03e02 Episode Script

Puck Bunny

You were fishing with your pals the other day - Wayne.
- Dary.
You should get yourself fuckin' Puppers.
I already got a fuckin' Puppers.
I know you're still spittin' about the shack gettin' trashed.
But if you don't tuck in that lip, a bird's gonna come over here and poop right on it.
What do I say about talkin' too much, Dary? The less you say now, the less you have to apologize for later.
- Good.
- All I'm saying is, if you're gonna be poopy, maybe go try fishing with somebody else.
What do I say about the old boss, Dary? Old boss is always a dick till you meet the new one.
- Good.
- Plus, I think, the only other people out here fishing are either Ginger or Boots, who may not have fucked an ostrich like everybody thinks they did.
Point and fuckin' proof.
You give good advice, Wayne.
Well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Oh, you're GD right is.
Let's just hope she doesn't go in one ear and out the other, bud.
(WIND WHOOSHING) - Guess what? - Chicken butt.
(FARTS) - That's inappropriate, Dan.
- Why? Well, you were just out in the great wide open but you wait till you come back in here to drop your guts? Now, just hold your horses, Wayne, for just one second.
I farted outside, too.
Oh, that is noisy, Dan.
Are you fuckin' serious with that turtleneck? - Figure it out.
- You figure it out.
Like, that's damn near doctor-assisted, Dan.
It's a little bit overripe, but it's not like I'm falling aparts on the inside.
Do you wanna know what? It's time we draw a line in the sand.
Or the snow, so to speak.
- On farts? - On farts! The less you say now, the less you have to apologize for later.
But I've had it.
Let's get real here.
You rip an appropriate fart, we all have a giggle, salute and pay tribute.
For a good time, Tim, Tom and Terrence.
But the inappropriate farts gotta go.
The inappropriate farts are turning us into a bad time Tony, Todd and Tucker.
Oh, I can'ts wait.
And I mean this I can't wait to find out what could possibly be deemed an inappropriates fart.
- Farting in here.
- In here? With the door closed, yeah.
Tight quarters.
No airflow.
Poor form.
But I'm with friends.
That's who farts are for.
- Around food, too.
- Around food? Especially around people eating food.
- That's fuckin' ignorant.
- But I'm eatings, too.
That's when I'm rife with farts.
Okay, Dan.
Dan, okay.
Okay, Dan.
Dan, okay.
Let's do an exercise here.
You're in a car, when's it okay to fart? - When you're alone.
- One point for Dary.
It's always okay to fart when you're alone, but 'cept when you're in elevators.
That's uncouth.
You're trying to rob me of my lifebloods here.
- Or you can roll down the window.
- Another point for Dary.
But the car must be traveling a minimum of 60 kilometers an hour, so that the fart may be aggressively vacuumed out before penetrating nostrils.
This is literally all I have going for me.
If you ask permission? Hmm Well, safe to say, if you have to ask for permission it's an inappropriate fart, but I'll still give you a half a point.
(SCOFFS) The cheekiness.
The indecencys of it.
It's downright abusives, is what it is! Hey.
Is that any way to talk to a guy with two and a half points? Get this guy a fuckin' Puppers.
You wanna know what? If you needs me, I'm gonna be outsides (YELLS) Farting appropriately! (WIND WHOOSHING) (DOOR CLOSING) How cold is it out there tonight? Minus 40 with the wind chill.
Old boss is always a dick till you meet the new one.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Subtitle by peritta All right, you fuckin' pheasants All right, you fuckin' pheasants! Coach.
Players-only meeting.
I'm so sorry.
All right, you fuckin' pheasants.
Now, we love being the biggest Pantene pros in the league, but we want some wins.
We love being the silkiest studs, but no W's is embarrassing.
REILLY: I mean, I buried a one-timer, a backhand-clapper-top cheese last night, boys.
But who cares? No W.
I buried a knee-down half-clapper from the goal line.
Big whoop.
No W.
And if we want some wins in this room, we gotta get the puck bunny out of it.
What's a puck bunny, you little bitch? You don't know what a puck bunny is? Not sure I'm familiar with the term either, Barts.
Whereas musicians have groupies, hockey players have puck bunnies.
- Hmm.
- Right? - Yeah.
- Right? Get it? I think I understand.
A puck bunny is someone who seeks a relationship with hockey players, specifically.
Seeks to fuck them.
- I have no problem with that.
- Right.
Unless the puck bunny is getting in the way of wins.
JONESY: Any puck bunnies getting in the way of W's come to mind? I once tongue-kissed a woman in line for the beer gardens at a dragon boat race, after she said she liked my team jacket.
But I don't think she was a puck bunny.
You little bitch.
Yorkie? I once open-mouth first-based a woman I delivered a gourmet coffee gift card to, after she won at a team fundraiser raffle draw.
I don't think she was a puck bunny.
Scholtzy? I once got an over-the-pants handy in the back seat of a Pontiac Bonneville, during a drive-in screening of Slap Shot.
But I don't think she was a puck bunny.
Fisky? I once got a rig-friggin' gherkin-slurpin' behind a gumball machine at a bubble hockey tournament, but I don't think she was a puck bunny.
Boomtown? I once accidentally shit my pants while masturbating in 2010, when Crosby scored an OT to win gold, while I was simultaneously mid-orgasm.
(INHALES) There was no one else there.
But don't you think that's a good story? Right, I'm just gonna go ahead and spell this right the fuck out for you, boys.
The girl that you're all in love with, she's a puck bunny.
You better not be talking about my little Angie-Bojangles, you little bitch.
Yorkie? She's my wittle Angie-Bo-peepers, so sweet when she sleepers, Barts.
But still.
They better not be talking about her.
Scholtzy? Angie gives me butterflies in my wittle bread baskety-wasket.
Fisky? It's the little things she does, giving me kisses at night when she thinks I'm asleep, but I'm not.
So soopiddy-wooper cute.
Boomtown? No one acknowledged my story from 2010.
Maybe I've said too much.
I'm feelin' insecure! (DOOR OPENING) Barts.
Let's get some appys.
(ALL GRUNTING) BOTH: You're tearing us apart! (ALL GRUNTING) Hey! We need to talk.
Hey, bud.
Sick dangles last weekend.
Mix in a W, but still - Unreal roadie for the boys.
- Listen You too, bud.
Silky, silky mitts last weekend.
Loved that knee-down half-clapper.
(REILLY GROANS) - What did you want to talk about, bud? - Nothing.
- What about you, bud? - Nothing.
Well, I'm gonna go crush a sando.
Appys a hundy P, boys.
(REILLY GROANS) - Oh, I hate that.
- (SIGHS) She's speaking puck bunny, bro.
Aw, God, girls who don't play hockey should not talk like hockey players, bud.
Hey! Girls who don't play hockey, stop talking like hockey players.
Why would girls think we like that, bud? BOTH: We fuckin' hate that! Ah, man, we might be waxed here, bud.
I mean, I want W's, but I can't talk to her.
I can't do it.
I'll fucking pop.
I'm with you, bro.
I was already starting to snap-crackle.
(REILLY SIGHS) Unless We find someone who can talk to her.
Unless We find someone who can speak puck bunny.
You thinking what I'm thinking? - Ferda.
- Ferda.
(ALL GRUNTING) We gotta move fast, buddy.
- Smoke bomb.
- Ninja dust! - Well, where were you? - Diggin' out your sled.
Thanks, big brother.
Don't say I never done nothin' for you.
(DAN FARTING) - Inappropriate.
- Whys? 'Cause you're not exposed to fart in front of girls.
- True story.
- You're suffocatings me.
That's a two-way street.
BOTH: Hey, oh! All right.
Let's focus on the shack.
How we gonna fuck this pig? Step ones.
We figure out who dids it.
Well, I sent Shep and Kingsley to take photos of the damage in the daylight.
(DOOR OPENING) Photos? (SIGHS) They're on here.
Sorry if my big fat thumb was in the way of some of them.
Hope so.
It'll hide my big fat chunky butt.
I fuckin' know these dudes do pot.
Guys If I was part of a religious community of men, I'd be a Tibetan chunk.
KINGSLEY: If I was an Adam Sandler movie, I'd be Punch-Chunk Love.
Like, you know it's more than sugar cereal.
- Enough.
- If I was an American rapper-DJ, I'd be Chunkmaster Flex.
KINGSLEY: If I was an animated pop-music tribute trio, I'd be Alvin and the Chip-Chunks.
Guys! Go upstairs.
Stay there.
(SIGHS) You've outdone yourself this time, kiddo.
Shut up.
They are perks.
Stimulatings conversations? Well, they're stimulating, all right.
- Huh? - Nothing! Photos.
(DAN SIGHS) Well, what's the scoop, super chief? Oh, it's degens - from up country all right.
- How do you know? All the different patches of yellow snows.
Degens loves pissing outdoors.
- Fuckin' degens.
- DARYL: Mmm, Dan's right.
See that spatter of blood right there? That's from a bloody nose.
Degens always got their finger up their nose.
I fuckin' hate degens from up country so much.
You know, Jivin' Pete's been hanging out with those dudes too.
Does it feel like we're spending a lot of time dealin' with degens? You know, it does kind of feel like sometimes you just wake up in the morning and start dealing with degens from up country, doesn't it? Only way to handles 'em.
We'll find 'em, beat the shit out of them.
10-4, good buddies.
Guys, what did I say? It's just, can we have the photos back? We want to use them for our portfolios.
Put a fuckin' shirt on! Pitter-Patter! - (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - (DOOR OPENING) (DOOR CLOSING) We knocked twice, but nobody answered.
Frick and Frack? Come in.
- Hi, Katy-Kat.
- Hey, Katy-Kat.
Pete and Repeat.
You look great.
Aw, you trying make this old goat's day? - I really like your hair, too.
- Tick-tock.
Um, we need a favor.
- Ferda.
- Okay.
There's a puck bunny.
- So, the boys are getting laid.
- A bad kind of puck bunny.
So, a lot of the boys are getting laid.
- She's divided the room.
- I bet she divides in a room.
And we want W's, so - So, she's gotta go.
- BOTH: Yes! - Players only meeting.
- Yeah, we tried that.
- Boys aren't really receptive.
- Mmm.
She's a clever little bunny.
We tried also talking to her too, but - She speaks puck bunny and - (REILLY GROANS) And what? - She drives us mental, boys.
- We can't hang.
Like, girls who don't play hockey shouldn't talk like hockey players, boys.
We fucking hate that.
I should've packed a lunch for this.
We need somebody who speaks puck bunny.
We were hoping, you could speak puck bunny to her.
For us.
- Ferda W's.
- Ferda.
Okay, I used to speak puck bunny.
Forgot most of it.
It's kind of one of those languages you need to really immerse yourself in to master.
Let's see if I can remember some.
Don't judge my accent.
- Sick mitts, bud.
- Oh, that's good.
- Mix in a water.
- That's really good.
Wheel snipe, celly, boys.
BOTH: Dirty fuckin' dangles, boys! - That's really good.
- You nailed it.
(SIGHS) Not my pig, not my farm.
Plus, this girl sounds like she rolls.
I should meet her one day.
Well, you have met her already though.
- I have? - Yeah, Angie.
The Angie? BOTH: Yes.
McMURRAY: Look at this mess! Look at all the dirty butt-filled cans.
Bet that's not your first dirty butt fill.
(LAUGHS) (DAN FARTS) - Inappropriate.
- Why? Uh, Joint Boy's right in the line of fire there.
Somebody likes some Montreal steak spice in their tomato soup.
- Well, McMurray - How're ya now? - Not so bad - That's - I'm good, and - Well - Are we gonna do - Whatever - So, every time - Every time we do this We're gonna - McMurray! - What? Now, no one likes beatin' up degens more than you, so we figured we'd give you a dang.
Tyson, Joint Boy, youse helped us put up the shack, so only makes sense you help us defend it.
Now, they got us on the weekend.
We should nip this in the bud now, before they get the rest of Letterkenny.
Well, that's all fine and dandy, Wayne, but I had to hire a hand to do the chores in my absence.
You'll have to cover his wages.
I'm on nights right now.
That's double time.
You should try EI.
Fuckin' degens from up country.
It's costing us money to beat the shit out of these degens.
Wells, if we wants to beats the shits out of 'em so bad that they nevers come backs, we're gonna need these guys.
You know degens, they always come back.
See, they're always coming back, is the thing.
Bought and paid for, for fuck sake.
We're gonna advertise a party for degens, egg huckers, nose pickers, mailbox ruiners.
And what we're gonna do is hide in degen blinds, which are very similar to deer blinds.
And we are gonna put one right here.
And over there, and there, and here.
And that way, when the degens come rolling up on their sleds, we jump out of those degen blinds, and beat the shit out of them.
Well, that's a good idea, Dary, except it's Tuesday.
It sounds more like a Friday night thing, or even a Saturday night thing, or even a Sunday thing if you're squirrelly.
Can't forget, of course, thirsty Thursdays.
It's fuckin' Tuesday.
I'd have a gagger right now.
Now, I'm no American sniper style trouble-shooter, but I'd say the next step is to discuss a stronger lure to get them out here.
Well, whats do degens loves? Well, besides nose-pickin' pissin' outside, nothing.
Well, there are many things that if you were to watch the evening news, you would stop and say to yourself, "What a fuckin' degenerate son of a bitch.
" I would say at the top of the list would probably be Racists.
God damn right.
Racists is definitely degens.
That's right, big hoss.
So, here's what we could do.
Now, hear me out, just hear me out.
What we could do is we advertise a party for ethnicities out here at the shack.
And we could use the ethnicities to lure out the degens that we wants to beat the shits out of.
Fuck sakes, that's off-sides.
Well, you didn't let me finish, Boss Hogg.
So, what we could do, okay, is once we bring the ethnicities out here, we could beat up the degens before they could try to beat up the ethnicities.
You're still walkin' a super fine line there, big chief.
You didn't let me finish.
See, what we can do now, is have the ethnicities help us beat up the degens like some kind of fantasy revenge of love of ass-whooping.
I guess I've seen that in a Quentin Tarantino film one or three times.
There is that one thing you see in the news and immediately think, "What a fuckin' degenerate.
" - Well, to be fair - To be fair - To be fair - To be fair There's more than a couple of things.
- Homophobists.
- Yeah.
Yeah, no.
Homophobes is definitely degens.
You mean, like gay-bashing.
- That's the one.
- That's the worst.
Yeah, you're right.
That is so gay.
Wait, that there is homophobics.
Who is? The less you say now, the less you have to apologize for later.
You see, Professor Tricia from my women's studies class teaches us that homophobia is not just condemning homosexualitys, but it's also not using the appropriate and preferred terms what homosexuals likes to be called by.
Yeah, but they call themselves twinks sometimes.
Like, I'd be offended by that.
I might be offended by that, too.
You see, where I'm from, sometimes when people think things are dumb or stupid, they just say that it's gay.
Yeah, but you're not exposed to say that anymore.
Are you a homophobes? No.
Well, 'cause what you said was definitely homophobics.
Fucks this is a lot of work.
It's like pickin' stones and doin' hay all at once.
Fuckin' degens.
I'm pretty sure you're a homophobist.
I beat the shit out of you one time for beating up a gay.
Yeah, I didn't know he was gay.
He called me a fag.
Well, this certainly has come full circle.
Yeah, see, but youse being offendeds at being calleds a fag, is also technically homophobics.
I'm gonna take a fuckin' migraine here.
Well, see, where I'm from We all knows where youse comes from, McMurray, but times they are a changin' TYSON: I think we can all agree here that homophobists are degenerates.
You call the rest a misunderstanding.
Call it a fuckin' day here.
Ah, you had good intentions.
Well, wait, just so I understand here, using gays to lure degens out here is just as bad, if not worse, than using ethnicities to lure degens out here that we wants to beats the shit out of? Christ sake.
And Tyson didn't even say that the gays would help us beat up the degens, where the ethnicities would.
So, I think it's obvious here, boys, my idea has a clear edge.
Mmm, I think it's quite obvious that using human lures is pretty extreme.
I'd really likes for you to meet Professor Tricia.
Okay, so using gays is homophobic.
Tip of the iceberg, bud.
What about, fake gays? Well, what's a fake gays? Well, someone who may appear to be gay, but is not actually gay.
And therefore, it would not be gay-bashing.
Well, yes, you'd wanna avoid a hate crime if you could.
So, you wants to use fake gays to lures the degens? Perhaps.
DAN: Okay, listen.
Just so long as everyone's heard my messages loud and clears I thinks I can lives with that.
This has been very diplomatic and rational.
I think the next step in the order of business here, would be to go and find some fake gays for these degenerates to beat up.
I know where to look.
Put a fuckin' shirt on.
Fisky - Katy? - Hey, bud.
Hey, bud.
The boys are supposed to have just dusted praccy.
Aw, two-a-days.
They're on dry land now.
- Unreal.
- Hundy P.
Been wheelin' Been turnin' on the jets, yeah.
Some notches on the bed post? - I've been notching.
- Hashtag notch or die.
- Eat.
- Who? Been making my way up the roster.
- A full roster? - No call-ups, obviously.
Yeah, of course.
They're not even schmelts yet.
And not Reilly and Jonesy.
I'd never touch them.
I'd never want to piss you off.
(SCOFFS) About that.
Yeah? Do you remember when you cheated on my brother? - Yeah.
- And I went around town telling everyone that I was going to get you? Yeah.
But then you left town, so I couldn't.
Couldn't what? Get you.
I guess, I could still Get you.
Stay away from this dressing room.
- Yeah.
- And all the players in it.
Especially Reilly and Jonesy.
And one more thing.
Yeah? Open your eyes.
(EXCLAIMS) - (EXCLAIMS) - Fuckin' get after then.
(EXHALES) Hey, big brother.
Good and you? Don't say I never done nothin' for ya.
You are an embarrassment, Devon.
For shame, Devon! (SQUEALS) A girl! (SCREAMING) You know, not to bitch and complain Not to piss and moan It's a lot of work, these fuckin' degens, I know.
Figures you have to look at the checklist.
Advertised for a gay party? We really need some sort of bar in this town.
Or homosexual.
Or queers.
You know, however they choose to be identified.
- Check.
- DARYL: Recruited fake gays.
- God, those guys are pansies.
- Check.
Tidied up the area in and around the shack to make it look presentable for a fake gay party.
- Took all goddamn day, but - Check.
Constructed degen blinds, so that we may hide out and wait for the degens to try and ambush the fake gay party.
- Fucks it cold.
- Check.
Paid Tyson and McMurray their wages, so as to help us beat the shit out of the degens.
Fuckin' degens.
BOTH: Check.
You should really try EI.
Right, then we're ready to get this rig rollin' Not a moment too soon.
Here they come.
Okay, everybody into their degen blind.
When the motion sensor light bulb comes on, time to jump out and beat the shit out of the degens.
Thank Christ.
'Cause if there was even one more chore, I mean, even one more chore involved in beating the shit out of degens from up country, I'd be pulling the chute.
- (PHONE VIBRATES) - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) Okay, gonna need to replace the light bulb on the motion sensor light.
ALL: No! Oh, hot Jimmy My farmhand just texted me and said he's got the scoots, he's gotta go home.
Means I gotta go chorin' boys.
McMurray, tell him to drop trou' in the gutter like a real man.
Be the boss, McMurray.
Oh, I don't wanna be a dick.
What if he shits himself? Old boss is always a dick till you meet the new one.
- Good.
- Shit! Boss needs me to come in.
It's an emergency.
Yeah, the wheels are falling off here, good buddy.
Well, we needs Tyson and McMurray, there's gonna be a baker's dozen sleds coming around the corner, and we are way the fucks outnumbered.
Wanna know what? All this work involved in luring these degens out here, all these fuckin' chores Fuckin' cold.
We bring these shirtless nut sacs out here to be fake gay dudes I'm still not sure how I feel about that.
Yeah, there's something wrong.
I don't know what it is, or why, but there is.
It's not quite sexist, but it's not quite homophobist.
It's something though.
I know it is.
It's not PCs, that's for damn sures.
I'm just thinking, all this work luring them out, wouldn't the more efficient thing be to repel them? That's a Texas-sized 10-4! I'm farting! Appropriate! Well, I could always stay to just kick the shit out of them just 'cause they're here.
And then I have to leave right away, right after, to get back to chorin'.
Fuck! Same.
- EI, boys.
- WAYNE: Well, yeah.
Like, we're already out here.
We're already set up.
We'll beat the shit out of them before chorin'.
Well, maybe next time we'll just try to repels them.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
Well, what could we put out here that would make sure that nobody ever came out here for anything ever? I know where to look! (URINATING) (PANTS ZIPPING) It had to have been a sick ostrich.
(MUSIC PLAYING) Subtitle by peritta
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