Letterkenny (2016) s03e05 Episode Script

The Battle for Bonnie McMurray

You were crushin' Gus N' Bru with your pals the other day.
Pound a round of Gus N' Bru, Gailer.
(GROUP GROANS) GROUP: Bonnie McMurray.
Thank you, Bonnie.
No problem, Wayne.
- How're ya now? - Good.
And you? Oh, not so bad.
Bottoms up, super chieftains.
(SIGHS) Well, I'll go have a pee.
Mmm, breakin' the seal.
I'm gonna go beat the piss outta the little fella.
Let 'er fly, Dan.
You old porcelain painter, get the fuck outta here.
Porcelain punishers, Gail.
You got a big number one on deck there, big shooter? - Go squirt, little Curt.
- WAYNE: Go rock one, Dan.
AM/FM urination station, get the fuck outta here.
All right.
So I'm gonna make youse all proud down by the yellow pond.
(GRUNTING) Yup, I will.
- Whoa, Dad.
- Hey, Dad.
- There you are, Dad.
- Dad.
Hey, Dad.
Who's a dad? GROUP: You are, Dad! Why? What youse hear? Only dads grunt like that when they stand up.
- Or sit down.
- Or come Over to move the furniture, get the fuck outta here.
That was a textbook dad noise, Dan.
Okay, youse guys have all been eatin' too many sugar cereals.
Don't! 'Cause if you wanna I haven't had too much sugar cereal.
Sit back down, Dan.
- Why, Miss Katy? - Just do it.
How are ya now, Dad? You a minivan or cross-over guy, Dad? Up north for some father-son fishin' Dad? Don't get the kids all riled up before bed, Dad.
- And, now to be fair - (MIMICKING) To be fair - To be fair - To be fair - To be fair - ALL: To be fair.
Lots of people emit sounds when they stands up and sits down, not just dads.
No, it's mostly just dads.
You wanna go toss around the pig skin there, Dad? Can you please drive us to the water park, Dad? Let's go back to Disney World, Dad.
Can we, can we, can we, please? Fuck outta here.
All right, what's about moms? No, moms would never do that.
Moms don't want to age themselves.
- Dads don't care, though.
- Fuck, no.
Dads don't give a care.
It's like, "Hey, hon, better go clean up those lawn clippings.
" "All right.
(GRUNTING) "Guess I'll watch State of Play later.
" It's like, uh, "Hey, hon, I'm gonna scoot off "to book club there, can you watch Bella and Edward?" (GRUNTING) "All right.
Just had Field of Dreams PVR'd .
" - (SIGHS) - It's like, "Hey, babe, I think we should take a vacation "without the kids.
" "Sure, Karen, (GRUNTING) "'cause I could use more financial stress.
" "Derek, I'm going to the Fantasia Party "with the girls.
Can you unload the dishwasher?" "Of course, Susan.
(GRUNTING) "I guess I'm jerkin' off again tonight.
" Youse is hilarious.
(GRUNTING) All my friends is smart alecks.
(GRUNTING) All my friends is smart alecks.
(GRUNTING) Just a bunch of smart alecks.
(GRUNTING) Guess I'm jerkin' off again tonight.
See, like, not all dad noises are bad dad noises.
So, like maybe sometimes mom might say, "Hey, hon, the kids are gone away campin' for the weekend, "why don't we do some toe curlin'.
" And then dad might lean into a real Tony the Tiger dad noise.
Like (GROWLING) "Great!" (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Subtitle by peritta Sure thing, Bonnie.
See you soon.
WAYNE: Hmm What's the frequency, Kenneth? Bonnie McMurray has invited us to a hot tub party.
Well, who doesn't love a hot tub party? Dary? I would love to go to a hot tub party at Bonnie McMurray's.
Daniel? Oh, I wouldn't miss Bonnie's hot tub party for the world.
Youse two should take a deep breath.
That's a good way to get hemorrhoids.
Yeah, that, or sitting on a cold surface.
Now that's an old wives' tale.
- No, it isn't.
No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
- Figure it out.
- BOTH: She's mine! Let's get these guys a fuckin' Puppers.
You heard me say it.
Because I heard me say it, and I know you heard me say it.
- I'm sweet on Bonnie McMurray.
- Oh, yeah? And how's that workin' out for you, big shooter? - What's the problem? - BOTH: Bonnie McMurray.
You're both sweet on Bonnie McMurray? BOTH: Yes.
You know, I have had a busy winter, but I'd toss my hat in the ring there, too.
Did youse do pot today? - KATY: Yes.
- BOTH: No.
- BOTH: Why? - Well She's a bit young, isn't she? Well, she's 20.
- Well, I'm only - Doesn't matter.
- And I'm just - Don't care.
- (BANGING) - BOTH: She's mine! Well, she's a pretty girl.
It's just, uh Could let the paint dry a wee bit there, eh? I'll tell you what, Dan.
What, Dary? Let's let her decide.
It's always her decision! The battle for Bonnie McMurray begins.
Do you know sperms can stay alive in hot tubs? - (SLURPS) - (PHONE BUZZING) - How're ya now? - It's not us.
Not s'bad.
Did you hear me, shirt-tucker? All the clown costumes, the petty vandalism around Letterkenny, it's not us.
I've not heard about it, it mustn't be s'bad.
Remember when I said it was petty? See, we've got our hands full of degens from up country.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE) Okay You do you, boo, I'll take care of this.
- Over and out.
- (PHONE BEEPS) - That true about sperms in hot tubs? - No.
But the writers of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles could have kinda run with that if they wanted to.
- ROALD: Stewart.
STEWART: How long have we been original NES gaming? ROALD: Two hours Contra, two hours Ninja Gaiden, two hours Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, two hours Simon's Quest, two hours Mega Man 2.
- Ten hours.
- Ish.
There's heat on FAK-U after our most recent ruckus.
It's best we nest.
- ROALD: We should stop.
- STEWART: No? - (SCOFFS) - What do you mean (SCOFFS) (SCOFFS) I know what she means.
No, we don't stop gaming.
- No? - (SCOFFS) Did I stutter? (SCOFFS) No, you did not.
Too much left to delve.
Now, I'm not complaining, but these games are between 20 and 30 years old.
You're not Bored? Far from blase.
What's next? We haven't even ransacked the sports games yet.
- Guilty pleasures.
- Pleasures, no less.
- Tecmo Super Bowl.
- (BOTH GROANING) - Punch-Out!! - (BOTH GROANING) - Hoops.
- (BOTH GROANING) - Excitebike.
- (BOTH GASPING) - Blades of Steel.
- (BOTH MOANING) - American Gladiators.
- (BOTH SHRIEKING) - California Games.
- (BOTH SHRIEKING) - But after that - NES Open? - Baseball Simulator 1.
000? - (SIGHS) - Paperboy! - (HICCUPPING) - No.
Let's do something else.
- (SIGHS) Do you guys like dancing? - Fuck it.
Let's go.
- (LAUGHS) Hold it.
You're not going anywhere.
Smells like Feet in here.
Eh? - Players-only meeting.
- Players-only meeting, ferda.
Now, we're close, boys.
We're gonna get that W, but there's still some spring cleaning to take care of before this team comes together.
Some housekeeping, ferda.
Now (SIGHS) To truly come together as a team - And get W's - Order must be established.
And to establish order, we must implement fines.
(SNAPS) Reilly will be your commissioner.
(SNAPS) Jonesy will be co-commissioner plus treasurer.
I'll be collecting fines, boys.
SHORSEY: Give your balls a tug, you tit-fucker.
You bring me to fine number one.
Boys, I wake up in the middle of the night dry-heaving at the amount of bush in this room.
We thought tummy-stick hedgehogs were extinct, boys.
Shave your fuckin' junk hair, boys.
It's disgusting, boys.
And Shorsey is the guiltiest of 'em all! - (SHORSEY FARTS) - Reilly will be your bush inspector.
And Jonesy will be your associate bush inspector.
Plus GM of bush.
Now, we were really hard on you guys last year before we were bush inspector, associate bush inspector, and GM of bush, so We're appointing Barts as Senior Director of Bush Operations.
Appointing Yorkie Senior Scout in Charge of Bush Development.
First fine goes to Shorsey! SHORSEY: Fuck your entire fucking life, bud.
From now on, $20 fine, every game and praccy 'til she's shaved down to the wood.
As bald as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, Shoresey! - SHORSEY: Tit-fucker.
- (SIGHS) On to the second order of business.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
There are certain things that stand directly in the way of a team coming together.
There are certain things that stand in the way of W's, buddy.
And if you truly want this team to come together And if you want this team to get W's We're gonna need to see your junk, buddy.
Don't feel bad.
There are junk hiders on every team.
But I think I speak for the entire room when I say What are you hiding down there, bud? Something weird going on down there, bud? Again, don't feel bad.
I mean, some teams have guys that don't even shower after praccy, which is worse than bush.
But, we see you face the wall in the room when your junk's out, and you face the wall in the shower when your junk's out.
You've seen my junk.
Let's see your junk, buddy.
- Pull it out, buddy.
- Whip it out, buddy.
Let's have a look at your junk.
Unsheathe it, bro.
(HOT TUB BUBBLING) You ever got in someone's car in your wet swim trunks and had them turn on the seat warmers? No.
Kinda makes you feel like you've peed.
You know, big brother, that's almost not worth talkin' about.
- Over 'n out.
- Ooh.
(GROWLING) Oh, great! Well, there's fuckin' Tony the Tiger.
- Hey, Dad.
- You know what? I got bigger fish to fry today.
Hi, Bonnie.
- Hi, Bonnie.
- Hi, Wayne.
- How're ya now? - Good.
And you? - Not s'bad.
- Any good dad noises - on the way in? - DAN: No.
You know what, we've really got all the personalities on display in this hot tub.
Like what? Well, you got the guy who sits with his chin in the water.
- Sure you do.
- Then you got the guy who sits - with their shoulders out.
- Sure you do.
Then you got the guy who takes up two to three times more real estate than everybody else because they're just like - Puttin' the vibe out there.
- Sure you do.
And of course you've got your edge sitters.
That's me, Wayne.
What's your story over there, hands? I'm the guy who keeps his hands dry so he can still dig out and light smokes.
What if it's an outdoor hot tub? Don't your hands get cold? I'm also the guy who would never admit that sort of thing.
What about you keep one hand out of the water to dig out smokes and I'll keep one hand out of the water so I can light them.
More hands make less work.
- You're all right, Rosie.
- So, Bonnie What are you looking for in a guy? I don't really have a type, I don't think.
Okay, but if you had to choose between someone who was More big and hairy Versus somebody who's a lot less big and hairy, but more pale.
Which Which way are you leaning towards there? Like, muscly big? (STRAINING) Yeah.
Muscly big.
Well, that's generous.
Oh, they're in there somewhere.
And I like hairy versus, like, groomed or manscaped.
But how hairy? - I could grow a beard.
- No, you can't.
- Can, too.
- Cannot.
- Can, too.
Can, too! - Cannot.
Well, I can always shaves my beard, easy-peasy.
Or evens get a haircut.
Let's take about 80% off her over there, Squirrelly Dan.
Yeah, sure.
Hey, look, bubbles! Bonnie, what are you looking for in a relationship? I kinda like being single right now.
- Humor me.
- I don't know.
I've never really been in love.
Okay, let's get this ball rolling.
What's the key to making this look so good? - BOTH: Space.
- Like, distance? Not distance.
Although distance makes the heart grow fonder.
- Just space.
- Space.
So you don't wanna get like BOTH: Sick of each other.
I like to read, a lot.
I like to stay in and read.
It's not easy telling a guy you don't want to see him because you want to stay in and read.
Let's test this theory.
Dary Say you asked Bonnie McMurray out on a date and she says I'm going to stay in and read.
- She up to somethin' - Dan? Oh, she's definitely up to something.
- Wayne? - Must be a pretty good book.
Must be like - The Road.
- Uh, no.
Still suspicious of that.
Yeah, wouldn't that make you Wary? No reason not to trust her 'til she gives you one, bud.
You know, Bonnie, I had my first girl phase around your age.
Advertise your product or brand here Let's see it, bud.
Is something weird going on there, bud? Boom! $20 fine! Fisky.
- What? - What? Oh, I don't know what kind of pre-tyke, sub-amateur hour Teenage Mutant Ninja fucking Turtles organizations you guys have played for in the past, but don't step on the logo is straight fuckin' .
- It's basic.
- Don't step on the logo.
Live for the logo, respect the logo! - Fisky.
- Then why is it on the floor? That brings me to my next point.
- Your jerseys.
- Oh, yo, buddy.
You should call it a sweater, buddy.
- Don Cherry's orders.
- Don Cherry, buddy.
Your sweater never ever touches the floor.
Hang up the sweater.
Live for the sweater.
- Respect the sweater.
- Mmm.
REILLY: Boomtown! You're not off the hook, bud.
Do you want us to trust you? Do you want this team to come together? - You want a fuckin' W? - Yeah! Then we're gonna need to see your junk, buddy.
Let's see your junk, buddy.
- Mmm-hmm.
- You know what? - Team exercise? Team exercise.
- Yeah.
All right, boys, everybody up.
Trousers down, junks out, boys.
- Lets help a teammate.
- Junks out, boys.
- (SLAP SHOT BANGS) - Is Someone on the ice, bud? That's our ice, buddy.
(BOTH GRUMBLING) REILLY: Hey, don't move, pheasants.
(INHALES DEEPLY) So, Bonnie, what has a guy have do to get your attention? I don't know.
Make me laugh, I guess.
BOTH: Turn off the bubbles.
(CHURNING STOPS) Hey, Bonnie, have you ever seen It Came from Beneath the Sea? No.
- (GLUGS) - You have now.
(DARYL AND DAN CACKLING) That was well brought up, - too bad you weren't.
- (CHUCKLES) Dary actually stole my joke there.
But lucky's for you, Bonnies, I'm very funny's - and I have lots of jokes.
- Okay.
Hey, Bonnies, what's another word for champagne? Um.
Oh, bubbly.
- If you say so.
- (GLUGS) (BOTH CACKLING) You've got a rich inner life.
(CHUCKLES) You're funny, Katy.
That was funny, Dan.
It was almost as funny as the first time that I heard it.
BOTH: Youse shouldn't fart in front of girls.
That was my joke, Dan.
You stole my joke, didn't you? (BUBBLING) Don't you interrupt me.
(BUBBLING) - I swear I will Stop - (BUBBLING CONTINUES) Stop it, right now! - I Just quit it.
- Okay, enough! - Please.
- And thank you.
You're not so funny, are you now, Dary? How's that book comin' along? I miss that book.
Did you hear they're still searching for the Loch Ness monster? (LAUGHING) And she's migrated.
Ooh Funny, I thought these were Ogopogo waters.
Guess they are.
Don't make me come over there, Dan, because I If you do that one more time Just Wink at me again, I Daniel! (EXCLAIMING) Daniel, stop your fartin' and telling your jokes! (BUBBLING) - Are those jets on auto-timer, Bonnie? - Nope.
WAYNE: Did you press the button again, Katy? Hard no.
BOTH: Over and out.
- Who's that? - What's that? - Tanis.
- What's a Tanis? Well, aren't you a little bundle of sass.
You better watch your little tongue before I flick you with my womanhood.
Did your balls drop finally, Skiddo? Feel a little fur on your nut sack? 'Cause that is the only logic I can think of behind why you chodes would terrorize this whole town knowing that Wayne would think it was us.
Although I am a self-admitted glutton for punishment It never crossed my mind.
I will wipe that smirk off your face like pixie dust over there wipes your little asshole.
- It was just once! I - STEWART: Hey! No, you were passed out.
- ROALD: I was - I said stop it! I was just trying to help.
All right, I need to get to the bottom of this first.
What, do you, like, hang out with these losers? - Which losers? - Peter Pan and Tinker Bell.
They're giving you drugs, aren't they? What makes them losers? Trust me, tart.
You don't want me to answer that.
- Tart? - That's what I said.
- Intriguing.
- What is? Well, the psychology at work here.
Yeah, fuckin' right.
It's called intimidation.
No, it isn't.
It's called projection.
Okay, it didn't take me very long to realize I don't like you.
- My mother's a psychologist.
- TANIS: 'Kay.
You harbor guilt over your promiscuous impulses so you can call me a tart.
That's projection of the sexual feelings you're attempting to hide.
- Poorly.
- For who? For Stewart.
You like Stewart? - No! - And you two You call my friend Roald here, Tinker Bell and pixie dust because you're uncomfortable with your own sexualities.
His open homosexuality makes you feel even more uncomfortable.
That actually kind of makes sense.
- No, it doesn't! - Yours kind of makes sense.
No, it doesn't.
Let's try an exercise.
Hug Roald.
See how it makes you feel.
You might be surprised.
- No! - No.
Roald, help them out.
Encourage them.
Like Like, I hug them? A big hug.
- Can I be in the middle? - Ugh! It may be distressing at first, but you owe it to yourselves to try.
You could be so happy.
- Uh-huh.
- We should try, too, Tanis.
(CHUCKLES) Fuck, no.
I'm warning you, Skiddo.
Whoa! Second warning.
All right.
Do damage, boys.
Let's go! (TANIS SIGHS) Oui.
Alors Tart.
I'll be back.
(GRUNTING) (CHEERING) Oh, you're the best, Gae! - Artistry.
- (CHUCKLES) An undocked dismantlement of the decrepit.
- Fuckin' eh.
- Was all that true? Is your mom really a psychologist? WOMAN: Yes, she is.
And we're going home.
WOMAN: Gae? (PUCK CLATTERING) - Tyson? - Joint Boy.
You guys can play? Boys, hockey's 50% mental and 50% being mental.
I'm mostly just mental.
(WHISPERS) I'm still not sure that's PC, buddy, but BOTH: Bas McRae! Buddy We've spent the entire season trying to bring the team together.
And get W's, buddy.
Maybe the entire time We just needed to add some grit, buddy.
A little sandpaper, ferda? (SLAP SHOT RICOCHETS) Boys, how would you guys like to play for the Letterkenny Irish? How would you boys like to get a fuckin' W? I'm no stud, but I can sure as hell make some room out there for you boys.
I'm dog shit.
But I can beat the fuck out of 95% of the population on Earth.
BOTH: Wheel, snipe, celly, boys! - Follow us.
- What's goin' on here, boys? - Is this a hazing ritual? (SIGHING) Boomtown! (CHUCKLES) - Mmm.
- Okay.
Nothing weird going on.
No weird j-hook, ferda.
No mutant, bobble-head turtleneck.
No weird long snout anteater.
No disfiguration or discoloration, ferda.
- Healthy.
- That's modest.
Great dick, Boomtown.
Boomtown? You've just helped this team come together, buddy.
Feel good about that.
And these guys are going to help us get that W.
If Boomtown Is that okay with you? Boomtown? Let's do this, boys! - (GROWLING) - (LAUGHS) JONESY: Whoa.
Whoa! Whoa! Put your junk away, boys.
We didn't sign up for a sword fight, boys.
It's gross.
Congratulations, degens.
Your jokes just cost us company.
Rosie did say she was missing her book.
- Yeah, she's up to something.
- She's up to somethings.
Regardless Full transparency, Bonnie.
You have a number of interested parties in here.
- I've gathered that.
- So - Where do your interests lie? - Well, Daryl - DAN: No! - KATY: No! You're muscly, big.
- Yeah.
- That's generous.
- DARYL: No! - KATY: No! You're hairy, which I like more than groomed or manscaped.
And I can always shaves my beard.
And Katy - DAN: No! - DARYL: No! You make me laugh.
And we haven't even started tickling yet.
But I like being single.
GROUP: No! Because then you can fool around with whoever you want and not get in trouble from anyone.
(GROUP LAUGHING) Ah! - (CHEERS AND SIGHS) - What? - Oh, I'd be in trouble.
- I'd be in troubles.
I'd be in big trouble.
BONNIE: From who? - Wayne? - Yeah? Thanks for not turning the seat warmers on in your truck.
Kinda makes you feel - Like you peed? - Yeah.
- That was fun.
- Yeah.
And funny.
I didn't want to admit it 'cause there's Such a thing as an inappropriate - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Thank you for a wonderful day.
- Will you be reading tonight? - Yeah.
I hope you'll enjoy your book.
After we make some dad noises? (GROWLING) Great! Subtitle by peritta
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