Letterkenny (2016) s04e05 Episode Script

The Letterkenny Leave

You got invited to a party the other day The McMurrays have invited us over for a BBQ this afternoon.
That'll be a soft pass for me.
Just a soft pass? A supersoft pass.
Well, why is that? You got something else on the go, big shooter? Well, ah, you know, it's just Saturday.
Rosie scooch on over.
Watch a little TV.
Bob's your uncle.
Do I have to remind you that you are in a long-term relationship.
And? And as such you are obliged to partakes in some socials stimulations from times to time, lest the young lady becomes rastless.
Rastless? Rastless.
Well, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, bud.
Sure.
But you can't just watch TV and have sex every night, Wayne.
Sometimes Netflix and chill just ain't enough.
A young lady deserves more than just Amazon Primes and sexy times.
YouTube and lube isn't gonna cut it.
You can't just stream it and cream it, bud.
There's more to life than a little Hulu and you-screw, big brother.
Gotta step out of your comfort zone.
There's not a goddamn thing wrong with a little Playstation Vue and I service you.
Not a goddamn thing.
A little Project Free TV and you service me.
A little Pirate Bay with some sexual spray.
A couple of torrent sites minus the bed lights.
What about a little satellite and an overnight? A little satellite and tickle fight.
Invite a friend over for Direct TV and a menage a three.
Yeah, there's more to life than a li'l HBO and a go, big brother.
You gotta step out of your comfort zone.
Wanna know what? I don't know who called it the comfort zone, but I'm pretty sure they called it that 'cause everything inside that zone's good and comfy.
So once you get outside of that zone, fuck Well, that's when things can get a bit dicey.
(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) (WHISTLING) Oh! Ooh.
Welcome to Chez McMurray.
MR.
MCMURRAY: Oh, ho.
Or, Fort McMurray.
(LAUGHING) Here you go, babe.
Whatever you're into that's what I always say.
ALL: McMurray! MCMURRAY: Wayne, how're you now? WAYNE: How'r you Oh good.
MCMURRAY: Not s'bad.
WAYNE: I'm not s' MCMURRAY: I'm good.
Just go! Where where is your better half, Wayne? Reading a book.
All right.
Well, everybody make yourself at home.
We got cold beer and frozen marg mix.
Oh, yeah.
You got blueberry, avocado passion fruit margs? We got agave prickly pear marg mix.
Mhh hmm.
Colada mix, too.
You got kiwi fruit cucumber jalapeno pina colada? We got charred orange ruby red grapefruit pomegranate pina coladas.
Even got daiquiri mix, too.
Oh, you got whole citrus hungry gal magic low cal daiquiris? We got smoky watermelon michelada aqua velva aqua fresca super, super duper, super sipper Daiquiris.
Good enough.
Whatever you're into is what I always say.
That's right.
Plus, we got a shit ton of super fun shit planned for today.
Oh, boy.
All kinds.
Just went down and got myself a brand spankin' new karaoke machine down at the swap meet.
Oh, boy.
It's only got the Chinese songs, but it works just fine.
All right, lemme run down the house rules.
Rule number one: You must have fun.
That's it.
That's the only fuckin' rule.
That's easy to remembers then.
I hope everybody remembered to bring their swim trunks.
GLEN: Come on down, folks.
Don't be shy.
The jets are powerful and the water is warm.
Plenty room for everybody.
Amen.
Oops.
Oh, no.
I went ahead and dropped an olive.
Oh! Oh, ooh There it is.
Oh.
I feel it.
Sure do Thank you, Gail.
I forgot my swim trunks, so You forgot to bring a set? Didn't bring a set.
You didn't bring a set? Didn't bring a set.
You didn't bring a set? I didn't brings no sets.
You, even you didn't bring a set? I didn't bring a set.
Don't worry.
We got a whole bunch of extra swim trunks in the closet.
So no fuckin' excuses, okay? I'd hammer a cock suckin' gin and tonic, that's all I know.
Who wants to jump in the tub, or can I offer somebody some fruit? Or maybe an oyster? Where is Wayne? Out having a dart, likely.
Hm.
MCMURRAY: Thought Wayne would love a good tub? Who wouldn't love a good tub? Well, he does.
He just says that if you spend too much time in the water, you end up looking like a golden raisin.
I think I just brushed up against a couple of golden raisins.
Gail, oh, my.
Scandal.
Hmmm.
Would anyone care to play a game? Has anybody ever played Never have I ever? Nevers.
Never? Never ever.
Not even once.
It is a dandy little drinking game we picked up down 'Minican.
We go down 'Minican twice a year, that's all I know.
Still don't get down 'Minican enough, baby, that's true.
Was down 'Pulco pertnear every winter 'til fellas started gettin' hanging from bridges with their dinks cut off.
Crying shame because Sinatra used to have a place down 'Pulco.
You know, JFK and Jackie O had their goddamn honeymoon down 'Pulco.
But we picked up Never Have I Ever down in 'Minican.
K.
So, how it works is this.
You say, "Never have I ever" done such and such a titillating and or embarrassing act and if you've done it, you drink it.
Get it? Got it.
I'll start.
Fire away, baby.
And make it randy.
Oh, yeah.
(SQUEALS) Uh, let's see, never have I ever made whoopee with more than one person at a time.
We're going from zero to sixty I take it.
MCMURRAY: Uh hm.
Oh.
Your turn, baby.
All right.
Never have I ever felt strong sexual urges towards another spouse, significant other or sibling.
That's very specific.
Hey, Wayne, how's your beer? WAYNE: I'd have a beer.
MCMURRAY: Katy, don't Can you can bring me over one of them cocksuckers, that's what I always say.
Buddy, I think we plateaued.
What are you talking about, buddy? Like I'm not seein' any gains, bro.
I've been free posing in front of the mirror at home.
Maybe it's time we did a full circuit together, ferda.
Ferda.
(SQUEALING) BOTH: Pose def I think you're right, buddy.
Yeah, I haven't seen any gains all year, bro.
We gotta make some serious gains for next season, ferda.
Capital gains, buddy.
Coach has already texted sayin' how are the gains going, boys.
Saying what? Saying, how are the gains going, boys.
Can't let coach down, buddy.
(SCOFFS) Not an option, bro.
He'll send something flying.
Scares the shit out of me, sometimes.
Our gains have to eclipse general team gains, buddy.
You wanna be the guy to walk into the room and none of the boys see gains? If gains fall in the forest and no one's around to see it, nobody really sees any gains.
If you don't see gains, what do you see? BOTH: Excuses.
We can't be those guys, buddy.
No excuses, buddy.
Clock's ticking, bro.
Not a lot of time for gains, bro.
Charlotte Gains, bro.
No.
We need a surge of gains, bro.
Canseco, buddy.
Sammy Sosa, buddy.
At what cost, Buddy? What's the cost of juice, buddy? Maybe rip a quick half cycle.
Maybe we just dig deep.
Bare down.
Or Roger Clemens, buddy.
Hey! What? All-Star pitcher, buddy.
Tarnished reputation, buddy.
Hey! What? Starting pitcher for the Toronto Blue Jays, buddy.
Just a half cycle? Just a quick half cycle.
Push through the plateau, kick start the muscle fibers, go cold turkey before the season starts, buddy.
Cold turkey? Cold turkey.
Au naturale.
Au naturale.
Naturale.
Au naturale.
Ferda.
Ferda.
Yeah, but wait! Where do we get the juice from, ferda? Oh, I think I know just the place, buddy.
Tanis? How'r now? So where's this party at? Basement.
Don't see your swim trunks.
Didn't bring a set? No, I didn't bring a set.
Well, inside they'll likely have a set.
Didn't know I'd need that set.
They'll get you a set.
You know what the McMurrays are up to, right? I have an inkling.
And you don't mind leaving your girl down there with them? She didn't make the trek.
(CHUCKLES) Reading? Can't confirm.
Doesn't that make you think she up to something? Makes me think it's a pretty good book.
Must be like Carrie? Well, when the cat's away the mice will play.
Hmm? The rats too, apparently.
You're dirty, huh.
All right, I'm gonna go home.
I just came here for you, boo.
You know we have a really big library on the Rez too, if you're into nerdy girls, I can show you my spine label, you can show me your hard cover.
On a KATY: How's your beer, big brother? I'd have a beer.
So, tell me, how do you boys feel about havin' adventures? Well, I'm not against havin' adventures.
Then how do you feel about trying new things? Well, like I always say, varieties is the spices of life.
Mrs.
McMurray and I couldn't agree more.
That's all I know.
In fact, the more you get to know us both, the more you realize that we're very broad-minded.
That's what I always say.
Well, the other day, I tried cinnamon chewing gum for the first time.
Huh.
Well, it was a little bit spicy for my taste, I can't say that I didn't like it.
Gotta love those spicy little cocksuckers, uh? Okay.
Katy, how's your beer? KATY: I'd love a beer.
Oh, huh.
Ah, I lost another one.
Whoopsie daisy.
Slippery little buggers.
Oh! She's in the neighborhood.
Maybe it's time to get going.
Agreed.
How do we do that? Guess what? DARYL AND KATY: What? This may very well call for the Irish Goodbye.
What's the Irish Goodbye? Well, that's when you leave without saying bye to anyone.
Also known as the French Exit or Houdini.
Thought the French Exit was when you climax on a gal, and you leave without cleaning it up.
It's almost not worth thinking about, Dary.
Technically, a French Exit is when you leave without paying the bill.
But in this case, that is not applicable.
Guess what? BOTH: What? This may very well call for the Turkish Takeoff.
What's a Turkish Takeoff? That's when you pull a fire alarm and leave with a stranger.
Guess what? BOTH: What? This very well may call for the old Tokyo Sayonara.
What's Tokyo Sayonara? Well, that's when you leave and only say goodbye to the cat.
Maybe this calls for No! BOTH: What? Maybe this calls for the Letterkenny Leave.
No! Letterkenny Leave? That's when you steal a two-four and walk through a sliding glass door.
Well, desperate times.
Desperate measures.
I don't think we're there just yet.
But, why not, let's continue to monitor the situation.
Time for more mix.
I'll get the colada mix, baby.
Dart? I'd have a dart.
Squirrely Dan.
Waynes.
Has it occurred to you that those two may be members of Of the Lifestyle? Like the agricultural management lifestyle? Sure they are.
No, Dan.
The Lifestyle.
Like the livestocks management lifestyle.
Of course they are.
No, Daniel.
The Lifestyle.
Oh, dairy farming lifestyle.
You guys know they are.
(YELLS) Squirrely Dan! Uh-hmm? Uh, the Lifestyle? No, I'm not too sure what you're driving at here, big shooter.
All righty.
Who wants to play Pass the Banana? Well, well, well, my chemical bromance.
Bro Thornton and Bro Jonas.
We're in the market for some banned substances, buddy.
Oh, and you've come to us.
How flattering.
We've got substances.
And guess what? Newsflash, Bill "the thrill" O'Reilly they're all banned.
So what will it be, Geoff and Rus Courtnall You know what a nose beer is? Booger sugar.
tini.
The cola.
BOTH: No.
No.
Then what will it be, Wayne and Keith Primeau? You into sextaxcy? Rollsy pollsy's? The beans? The disco biscuits? BOTH: No.
Do not tell me you've come here looking for pot.
No, no, we're looking for some, uh Juice.
Huh? Sauce.
Huh? Gear.
BOTH: Steroids.
Ah! A-bombs.
Anti-hero.
Gym candy.
Why didn't you say so? JONESY: What the fuck? Jesus.
Edibles.
You're welcome.
So, you wish to improve upon that form God gave you.
Just a half-cycle, buddy.
Ah, sweet hubris.
Oh, what's that? Excessive pride, or self confidence.
Arrogance.
Pomposity.
Egotism.
One does not simply hop on or of the Anabolia Express.
No.
You ride that juice train all the way to the end of the line.
Choo-choo.
No, we're just trying to push through a plateau, so Need more Charlotte Gains, bro.
Just a quick Serge of Gains, bro.
Before the season starts, going cold turkey.
Yeah, au naturale.
Yeah.
(LAUGHING) Famous last words, gentlemen Have you discussed side effects? What side effects? Oh, just a little dilemma known as severe back acne.
Bacne? It's fine.
And a little complication, acute testicular shrinkage.
Testicle shrinkage? Nobody's testicles are going to shrinkage, buddy.
Of course that can of worms known as 'roid rage.
That actually happens, buddy.
Almost to everyone, buddy.
Pay the man.
I mean, maybe we should just, you know Dig deep, you know.
Bare down.
I mean, side effects, buddy.
But you guys should be good.
Yeah, we should be good.
Should be good.
Yeah? We should be good? I wouldn't worry.
No.
No, it should be good.
For sure? If you want my honest opinion, you should be good.
'Cause if like you say we're good You're good.
Yeah? You should be good.
Wheel, snipe, celly boys.
Yeah, dirty fuckin' dangles, boys.
(YELLS) Pay the man.
Did I ever tell you about my friend, Juan-Jorge? No, I don't believes you haves.
Well, Juan-Jorge is one of our closest and dearest friends.
We met him and his wife down 'Minican.
Mm-hm.
Juan-Jorge is a birdwatcher.
Or a "birder" as they prefer to be called, these days.
Hmm.
Anyway, one day in a hot tub, not unlike this one, Juan-Jorge told first me about the common cuckoo bird.
The cuckoo bird has a peculiar habit of laying its eggs in another bird's nest.
Well, that is a peculiars habits.
And it is from this peculiar habit, that we get the English term cuckold.
Huh.
Are you familiar with that term, Squirrely Dan? I believes I have heards in passings, yes.
Juan-Jorge believes cuckoldry to be the purest and highest form of sexual arousal.
This Juan-Jorge sounds like a real interestings fellas.
Uh-hmm.
You better believe it, that's all I've got to say.
Oh, you better believe it.
In fact, according to Juan-Jorge only the sweet, sweet agony and pure psychological torment of watching a physically superior man pleasure his beloved wife is enough to truly excite him.
Just look at this big ol' paw of yours, huh? Look at that cocksucker, baby.
See, now most people think just about one fella sleeping with another's wife, but no, Juan-Jorge believes and explains in such an arrangement, that the real and true connection is in fact, between the bull And the cuckoo bird, so to speak.
Huh.
Daryl, how's your beer? DARYL: Yeah, I could have a beer.
Maybe it's time we pulls a Brexit.
WAYNE, KATY AND DARYL: Shh.
Guess what? ALL: What? It very well maybe time to pull the Singapore Scram.
What's a Singapore Scram? It's when you grab onto a rope wire and have a helicopter fly you out of there.
Nobody's flying away anywhere, that's all I know.
Hell, no.
It's karaoke time.
ALL: Over and out.
What's on the menu this evening, my dear? I need my rits.
Hmm.
Burning the candle at both ends, are we? Finals are coming.
I need my rits to study.
Well, don't move.
Darien.
The Ritalin.
Good luck on your exams.
These aren't my rits.
Come again? Anabolic steroids.
Those are 'roids not 'rits.
But that means I need my rits.
That means you sold the gym rats rits, not 'roids, you rapscallion.
I need my rits not 'roids.
Those were meant to be rits not 'roids.
Yet, here we are, 'roids not rits.
Uh hm.
Rit-tidiculous.
Oh, 'roid-ally.
(SCREAMS) Rits! Locked and loaded, bro.
Bring on the gains, boys.
Capital gains, boys.
Charlotte Gains, bro.
A quick Serge of Gains, bro.
Focus is? Traps and tri's buddy.
Traps and tri's, bro.
We should be ripping sand bell slammers.
We should be ripping kettleball sumo deadlifts.
We should be ripping standing V-bar pushdowns.
We should be ripping cable hammer curls with rope attachment.
We should be ripping close grip EZ bar curls with band.
We should be ripping standing dumbbell reverse spider curls.
We should be ripping two arm barbell wide grip preachers curls.
Like Arnold, buddy.
Uh-hmmm.
(BOTH GRUNTING) I don't know what's going on but I don't feel like ripping V-Bar tricep pushdowns.
Maybe it's the half cycle, buddy.
I know what you mean, buddy.
Maybe we should rip a full cycle, buddy.
Full cycle, buddy.
Ferds.
Uh, great.
One more rip and then we rip super sets of standing sand bell tricep extendies.
One more rip and we rip standing bicep stretchies.
We should b ripping one arm cable curlies.
We should be ripping advanced alternate air bike ab rollies.
We should be ripping rollout incline heel touchies.
We should be ripping bent press barbell side bendies.
We should be ripping We should be ripping We should be ripping We should be ripping We should be ripping We should be ripping Judo flippies Russian cable twisties, ferda! Ferda.
So if we rip ten super sets at a rate of ten or every fifteen minutes, that's How many reps per super set, buddy? Twenty reps per super set.
Make that 30.
Done, buddy.
Now double it.
If we rip 60 reps per super set at a rate of 10 every 15 minutes, that means we'll need to rip sixteen and a half more half-cycles before the next season starts.
Can't let coach down, buddy.
Not an option, buddy.
It's beautiful.
We're gonna need a bigger blackboard.
What's this, boys? Nothing, Snipes.
Nothing, Snipes.
Does Ritalin help get gains? Should we try it? Rits not 'roids, then? Those are rits.
Not 'roids? BOTH: Rits not 'roids, boys.
Maybe we should dig deep? Bare down.
Natural gains, bro? A Serge of Natural Gains, bro.
Au naturale.
Au naturale.
(SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) She's got the voice of an angel, doesn't she? Oh, it's catchy.
(SQUEALS) Oof! Bravo! Bravo and brava.
And then there were four.
Oh, yeah.
I have a few ground rules I'd like to cover.
Pertaining to Shoot.
No open mouth kissing on the mouth.
Pardon? Observed.
Figging and cupping and light electro-play are all on the table.
But I do have soft limits on K9 role play and mummification.
GLEN: Excuse me? Observed.
No tushy play unless I ask for it and I will ask for it.
What? Observed.
Once we get started, it is recommended that you do not look me directly in the eye.
Safe word.
Huh? Close, Glen, but my safe word is uhunn.
Once again? Uhunnn! Oh! Oh, my, you all are polyamorous.
BOTH: Bingo! Despite being in wedlock.
BOTH: Bulls-eye.
Oh, that's a sin.
I'm going to have to skedaddle.
Tokyo Sayonara for me.
Where's that kitty? Squirrely Dan.
Uh-huh? So now do you see what we mean by the Lifestyle? Yup.
Who'd have thought the McMurrays would've been the swinging type.
I could have told you that before we got over there, bud.
Nobody wouldsa thunk it.
Pertnear, everyone in town thunk it.
Why do you think Rosie stayed home to read? It must be a pretty good book.
It must be like The Boy at The Leafs Camp.
They seem so normal.
Do they? They walks among us Undetecteds.
Well, I say, live and let live.
Oh, me too.
Yeah.
To each his and hers own.
Am I right? Sure.
But you wanna know what? It sure is nice to be back in the comfort zone.
(PHONE VIBRATING) Hi, Rosie.
a little Crave and misbehave? Hard yes.