Lexx s02e03 Episode Script

Lyekka

Lexx 2.
03 Lyekka All night by the dead Zev.
All night by dead Zev I did lay.
If only my tears could be real, I would rust myself away.
Oh Zev! Zev! You want me to just - you want me to just - say it? Yeah, go ahead.
Say what you're thinking.
Er - the thing is, Lyekka, no-one really notices me much.
and you're popular, even though some people say bad things about you.
but you're different from those other girls,you're nicer.
So, I was wondering if maybe somehow, you might, ummm - You can say it, Stanley.
Consider going to the dance with me? Me? Go to the dance with you, Stanley Tweedle? Yeah - could be fun.
Girls, you gotta hear this! he wants to go to the dance with me! Just but What was that?! Who's there?! Lyekka? Lyekka - yes.
Stanley? Lyekka?! I'd like to dance with you.
This is strange.
I was just dreaming about you.
and now, here you are.
but that was such a long time ago.
Maybe I am the woman of your dreams.
Maybe.
Once you were, for while.
How did you get here? I came from your dream.
I don't understand.
I don't understand either - oops.
I'd better go wake up Kai.
Eagle 5, this is Mission Control We're all green lights down here.
Whenever you're ready, captain.
For generations we have dreamed of being able to see into space beyond the Great Ion Veil.
Today, the first men from our small planet have begun to travel beyond that Great Ion Cloud, that shrouds our small planet in silence and isolation and we will we will er, we will begin to see, what, er wondrous and great things - We're all ears, captain.
So, er.
we the crew of the Eagle 5.
if we do encounter, make first contact with alien beings, it is a friendship greeting from the children of our small but great planet of Potatoho It's a great moment in history.
Hull temperature up 70% captain.
Mission control, this is great, great big goodbye time.
We will enter the Ion Veil in One great big goodbye to Eagle 5, from all the boys here at Mission Control.
Talk to you again in 22 months.
Good luck, fellas.
Hull temperature dropping.
Captain, let me be the first to tell you that weare the first to perforate the Ion Veil.
That's great.
Damage? Couple of scratches but no broken bones.
best as I can tell Captain.
Dig dig! Mash mash! Fat ass! You hear anything out there? I hear squat so far, sir.
Ok.
Gentlemen - we're on our way.
Eyes like jewels, skin sublime, Zev was the zeviest of all time.
We got a visitor, tin head.
Not interested! Mouth of an angel, hair beyond compare Oh Zev, Zev, Zev, will you ever be there? I don't know how it happened, but there's a girl I used to know, and now she's on the Lexx! At least, I think it's a girl.
Please, I'm concentrating! Hands of gold, buttery thighs, Breasts that were the perfect size.
Who are you talking about? Zev of course.
you pale imitation of the human female form.
You have need of me? Er - yeah, I think so.
Umm - This is Lyekka.
I used to know a Lyekka, a long time ago.
and I was dreaming about her, and I woke up, and there she is - at least I - something that looks like her.
What sort of a thing are you? A plant, I think.
I came from Stan's dream.
It must have been a good dream.
No, not really.
Wait, wait, wait! The thing is, that she's, um, - she's smooth, right round the bend.
No sex parts.
And she doesn't know how she got here.
Isn't this the ultimate fantasy? Not even close.
The ultimate fantasy is an all expenses paid dreamdate with a super model who only wants me for my body.
Which super model? Any super model.
Bando - you wouldn't know what to do with a super model if you had one.
Oh, that hurts, Moss.
I would take my super model to a real expensive restaurant - fancy, fancy, fancy.
But she can't concentrate on the food, cause she's so turned on.
She likes astronauts? She likes this astronaut - big time.
There's candlelight, some nice music, everything's real classy.
We got a bottle of real wine, she starts playing footsie under the table.
And then? You mean after dinner? I give her the big one.
Wait a minute - does Sally Sue know you're renting out the big one? Sally Sue is not part of my fantasy.
She's part of my real life.
OK.
Fair enough.
What about you, Boosh? My fantasy? Yeah If I had a fantasy, this would be it.
No, no, what's your fantasy? This.
I've been waiting my whole life for this moment.
You see, I wanna go down in the history books as the first, the very first to come into contact with intelligent alien life forms.
How about you, Moss? Being out here your ultimate fantasy? No siree.
What then? Values.
I don't get it.
Values.
The quiet, good, simple life we have back on Potatoho.
You see, I like, I like to be in a garden.
I like to work the soil with my hands, get everything just right.
And then just as the sun changes, Becky Boo'll come out on the back porch and she'll say "EJ, are you gonna stop playing around in that silly old garden, and come in here and start playing around with me??" Well, you know what they say captain? No, what? You can take the boy out of Potatoho, but you - - can't take the Potatoho - out of the boy! Captain? I think I hear something.
Real distant, but it might be something interesting.
What are you? A broken heart in a metal head.
My darling Zev is dead, dead, dead! Oh, how full and moist your lips.
Oh, how round and choice your hips.
And your voice, so full of glee Please be Zev again for me.
Zev was a crew member.
She died.
That's all that's left of her.
I like Stanley better than I like you.
Why? I don't like dead things.
I do not understand what she is.
I'm hungry! Come in.
This is Eagle 5.
Can you identify yourself? I repeat.
this is Eagle 5.
It seems we have more visitors.
Can you acknowledge? Great - open house on the Lexx.
I repeat, this is Eagle 5.
Can you acknowledge? We are intelligent.
I don't know if this is such a good idea.
maybe we should just blast 'em? They don't show any signs of aggression.
Yet I like them.
Greetings, from the children of the planet Potatoho This is - a potato.
.
It is a symbol of the fertile soil of our beautiful planet.
I am - EJ Moss Moss captain of the Eagle 5.
And er, this is LL Boosh.
.
He is the science officer.
and this is PT Bando.
he is the, er, the flight officer, the flight officer, navigator - We can understand you.
You can? Yes we can.
I am - Stanley Tweedle, captain of the Lexx.
Er - you can, you can take off your helmets.
Well um - what is the Lexx? Er, well, Lexx - why don't you tell them who you are? I am the Lexx.
Hi, Hi And I'm Lyekka.
Yeah, well, Lyekka's, um, er, well - Lyekka's actually, well, pretty difficult to explain You're humanoids.
You're humanoids! Hi, hi.
You're humanoids.
Hi, how are ya? Well, I definitely am.
Lyekka - I'm not, well, I think she's a plant, and Kai - well, Kai was You were? Yes I was, until I died, 2009 years ago.
You - wow.
Isn't that something? OK.
Well, This is the cryochamber here.
This is a cryopod, and er - Is that where you sleep? No, no, no - Kai stays in this one, this one, open one, and this is the cryopod control unit.
and um - oh look, here, here, right here.
This is 790.
He's a semi intelligent robot head.
with the emphasis on semi! Get lost, creeps, all of you.
Leave me alone with the most perfect woman who ever lived.
Yeah, we used to have another crew member.
Her name was Zev.
She got blasted into that gooey protein in that jar there.
What was she like? You heard me.
The most perfect woman who ever lived.
The most perfect woman who ever could be.
Zev and I.
.
didn't, er - but she was OK.
It's too bad.
She's nice! Ah! Kai, kill her at once, please! She's eating my darling Zev! I will not do that, 790.
Yeah, well, 790 has an a ttitude problem - easily agitated.
Kill him too! I will also not kill him - now.
And you call yourself an assassin! I'm hungry.
and I like you.
OK, well, we'll get you something.
Um - you guys, you guys hungry at all? Huh - you betcha! So, just order whatever it is you like fellas, and Lexx makes it for ya - most days, if all his special organs are working right - which isn't all the time! How, er - how do you recreate the protein? Recreate the protein? Yeah.
Well, I assume that you create diverse and complex foodstuffs from simple protein? I don't know - who's counting? Lexx - feed 'em.
Go ahead.
Yeah? OK, I'll have some - mmm, potatoes.
Sweet garden potatoes, please.
Scalloped for me, please.
Just a plain order of big old fries for me please.
Yeah, well, I'm not sure potatoes are Lexx's strong point, but it will taste potato-like - if you use your imagination.
Lyekka? I'm not hungry for potatoes.
So, er - well, what's so great about Potatoho anyway? What is it, got a lot of potatoes there, or is it just shaped like a potato, or does it smell like a potato? Let me tell you something, captain.
I'll tell you what the great thing about Potatoho is.
It's the great people.
That and our great values.
Isn't that right fellas? Yes sir I mean, we may seem backward to you captain, but I don't think there's a man of us here'd exchange any of this for what we got on Potatoho.
I mean, when I think of my, my farm, my little garden, my Becky Boo, my girl - I mean that, that can't be beat.
The only thing that does beat that captain, is snuggling up for a big cuddle with my Sally Sue.
Oh, my Becky Boo - My Sally Sue - You have to excuse them, Captain Tweedle.
They get it just about right except for one little detail.
Oh yeah? I'm the only man gets to go home at night to my Mary Moo.
Sure.
She's just great.
You guys are lucky, I guess.
You got girls to go home to.
Yeah Captain Excuse me.
Could you tell me something? Yes? Did you ever come across any other intelligent life forms out in the great unknown yonder? Are you kidding me?! Where are you guys from? Captain - our small but great planet Potatoho is located inside the Great Ion Veil, so it is blind to any electromagnetic signals that might be coming from the great unknown yonder.
Guess that'd keep ya a bit out of touch.
Captain - how exactly do you pilot the Lexx? Drive this thing? Oh, it's very technical.
But actually, all you gotta know is that Lexx does what I tell it to, when I tell it to - me and only me.
Well, for instance, if I was to say, er, Lexx, blow up that small planet - As you request, Stan.
Good shot.
Potato-riffic! Big time! Captain - where's our capsule? Well, actually, er, Lexx just blew it up.
Sorry.
So - how are we gonna get back home? I'm only saying it once.
We'll do one hour recon.
I'll go forward, Boosh, you aft, Bando, you got the bridge area.
One hour recon, bridge area, check.
One hour aft, check.
We'll meet in one hour.
Be careful of that guy with the hair.
- One hour.
Yes captain.
Watch out for the girl.
Yes sir.
I'll just be thinking of Sally Sue.
And me Mary Moo.
One hour, gentlemen.
Hello? Hi.
Who's there? It's me - Lyekka.
Where are you? I'm right here.
Are you alone? I'm not alone right now.
I'm with you.
Would you like to have me, Flight Officer Bando? No no no, I have a - What? Yeah, I would like to have you.
So, er - you know what I am? You're an astronaut.
I'm a pretty big astronaut.
Big where it counts.
That's great! You're great! You can call me Big Boy Bando.
Big Boy Bando.
I bet I'm the biggest boy you ever had.
Who's a big boy? You're a big boy Louder! You're a big boy! I'm a big boy.
I'm a big boy! I'm Big Boy Bando! I would like now, on behalf of all the great citizens of Potatoho, to take a moment of heartfelt prayer, And we pray that our boys will do us proud, that they - Sir? Not now - that our brave boys, who represent the small but great planet of Potatoho, will - Sir?! Creamy calves, delicious toes.
Zev is gone, oh worst of woes! Cheer up, pal.
You ain't seen the girls on Potatoho yet.
I can't find - I can't find Bando! You go that way, I'll go this.
Hello? Hi.
I was really thirsty, but I'm still kind of - hungry.
What are you? I'm Lyekka, silly.
Where'd you come from? I'm a friend of Stanley's.
Would you like to be with me? This will be just between you and me, right? Our little secret? Touch me.
Did you see that?! I saw it! I saw it! We definitely got ourselves a third stage encounter! Well, Boosh - why don't you look after it? Say hi for us, OK? I'm gonna be the first to make contact.
Would you like to have me, Boosh? I can do anything.
Isn't this the ultimate fantasy? That's great, Boosh.
Yeah Boosh, I'm right here.
Guys - we've got a definite alien life form confirmed! Really? That's great Boosh.
So you ended up being the very first.
Yeah - you beat us to it, Boosh.
Boosh, turn around, look.
I'm inside now, Boosh This is truly incredible! I'm a real live alien, Boosh.
I've been saving this special potato ever since I was a kid.
I wanted to be the first to give it to an alien.
Would you also like to make me feel good, Boosh? I wanna be the first.
Come closer.
I wanna be the first.
Would you like to be the first to make an alien feel good? I wanna be the first.
I wanna be the first to make an alien feel really good.
Stanley.
I have been observing Lyekka, and searching my memories to better understand her .
What? Her food gathering strategy is to imitate other life forms, so these targeted life forms will not act defensively before being consumed.
Lyekka consumed Boosh and Bando.
What, you mean she ate them? Yes.
Oh, that's just great! we gonna save Moss? I have no motivation to save Moss from Lyekka.
or Lyekka from Moss.
Captain? What? Where's Boosh and Bando?! I don't know.
I had a rendezvous with my men 37 minutes ago! Yeah? Men from my unit are well trained, and are never late! Stan, we're here.
I don't get it.
What don't you get, captain? You sure you gave me the right co-ordinates for Potatoho? I know where my planet is.
Yeah, well, maybe, but we're here, and it's not.
What are you saying? I'm saying that it looks like Potatoho has - gone for a walk.
Don't joke with me.
Well, maybe it's a travelling planet, or if it's a potato maybe somebody ate it.
That's, that's it's, what? right - oh, oh, sweet potato, no, sweet potato - You blew it up, didn't you?! No, no! Yes you did, you blew it up.
First the capsule - an accident, oh right! and then my friends, sure, and now my planet! Oh god, my Potatoho's gone! What's that? What's this? I did not blow up Potatoho.
What's this?! I didn't do anything to your buddies! It's her, it's that! What? It's Lyekka, she's a plant! No she's not, she's more human than you or me.
No, she's a plant from my dreams that eats people, Kai told me!! Kai? Yes, Kai.
The robot head said he was an assassin.
That dirty bastard.
Where is he?! You don't wanna mess with Kai, Moss, trust me! Yes I do! It's not Kai you gotta worry about, it's Lyekka!.
Zev, those lips, that kiss you blew.
Zev's the girl I want to - huh?! What do you think you're doing?! Put Zev down! Horror! Outrage! Madness! Where's the assassin?! You, whoever you are! make her put my beloved down! Where's my buddies? I kind of ate them.
They were really tasty too.
You heard her - she ate them.
Now kill her! And then kill yourself - unless there's others onboard! If so, kill them first before killing yourself - after you return Zev, of course.
Shut up! Robot heads.
Really dead guys.
Weird little chicks from who knows where.
Potatoho gone.
I don't know what you know, little lady - but I'm gonna find out, and you're gonna be really sorry.
No! Bring back my Zev!! What happened? She took Zev.
I think she might eat her! Tweedle - I promise you.
If you can somehow save her protein, I'll never say another bad word about you ever again! I promise! Hold on there, missy.
Where's my buddies? I told you.
I was hungry - and they were yummy.
Don't laugh at me.
I'm having a tough day.
Where's my buddies? You're not afraid of me? are you? Why? Lady, I'm from Potatoho.
Would you like to make me happy? What? I would like to make you happy.
You know, I just don't get young people these days.
Kai! Don't touch her, she's got Zev.
Get out of my way.
I will make you happy.
Get out of my way.
It's time for little women to make way for the men.
EJ! Are you gonna play in that silly old garden all day, or are you gonna play with me? Garden.
Good garden.
Good virtue.
Drink up.
Garden is virtue.
Cheer up, son.
Garden is value.
Home sweet home Potatoho.
Whatever makes you happy, dear.
Zev! Kai - use your brace! To do what? Smash it open, get Zev out of there! Look, don't hurt Lyekka, OK? Who cares about Lyekka? She's eating Zev! Kai, please Kai, shoot, hurry! Wait - Lyekka can tell us what's going on.
Kill the murderer! Lyekka, where are the other two astronauts? I ate them both.
they were tasty.
See - she's a killer! A stone cold killer! Both - why did you eat the third? I used his protein, and Zev's - to make you a present.
A present? Because I want to make you happy.
I looked inside you while you were sleeping, and I took the form of a girl I saw there.
I knew right away that I liked you.
What are you talking about, what present? What - ?! Xev? You're different but it is really you! I had to go on your description.
I hope she's OK.
She's perfect! I'm back! I'm not hungry anymore.
I have to rest for a while.
Is that OK with you, Stan? You're OK with me, Lyekka.
But what happens when you wake up and you're hungry again? Then I will need to eat again.
We will try to find you a planet suitable to your needs.
That would be nice.
Sweet dreams.
I, um - we all missed you.
Not as much as me, maggot brain.
You promised there were going to be no more insults.
I lied.
Hi.
It is nice to see you again, Xev.
Maybe she can help bring you back to life too.
I do not contain protein.
I guess I'd better get dressed.
How? Well, I'll have to make something.
Out of what? Cluster lizard, of course.
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