Lexx s03e04 Episode Script


Buttons! It's yummy yum, yum time.
Buttons! Buttons! Look what mumsie's made for her very special Buttons - fresh catfish supreme.
Don't you like your dinny din dins? Buttons? Oh, oh Buttons! Oh Buttons, Buttons - is there something wrong with my poor little pussy? Lexx 4.
04 Stan Down Are you a man or a jellyfish? - What, sweetie? - Are you a man, or a spineless gutless jellyfish with no backbone whatsoever? Er - I'm a man.
You're a jellyfish.
You take orders from Prince, and why the head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should tell the President of the United States what to do is beyond me.
You're nothing but a snivelling dog, Reggie.
- Woof! - You give the orders, not Isambard Prince - and he, and everyone else, has to follow them.
You really think that's possible? Yes you moron, you're the President! That's right, I am.
If you want, you can get rid of Prince - then you don't have to take orders from him again.
- You're right.
- Always.
But how can I get rid of him? Anyway you want, Mr President.
Your country has an important mission for you - Are we there yet? - Not yet, sweetie pie.
When are we gonna get there?! We'll get there when we get there, pumpkin.
I wanna go to the alligator pit, right now.
Mommy and daddy have promised that you can, sweetie.
The alligator pit! The alligator pit! We have to get there first, sugar I'm hungry.
I hate those.
- Oh, you love them.
- I hate those! And I want to shoot something.
Oh, oh! - oh, why can't this just be a dream? Why can't I just wake up in my own bed on the Lexx? This definitely is not my bed.
Mr President.
I'd like to have a word with prisoner Tweedle Sir, I don't know if you have the proper clearance for that here.
Look here, I'm the President, I can do what I want, now leave me Yes sir Go, get out of here! Stanley Tweedle - we have something in common, you and I.
What? Our strong feelings about Isambard Prince.
Oh yeah, I got some strong feelings about him.
They're not the same ones you have! Perhaps they are.
I feel strongly that this planet would be a better place as far as both you and I were concerned if Prince were, er - no longer here.
- What? - Let me ask you, Captain Tweedle - - you don't mind if I call you that? - At, no, no.
Captain Tweedle, could you use the Lexx to, er - destroy Prince? Yeah, I think so.
But if I do, what's in it for me? I'll make you a - a king.
What, king of the whole planet? Oo, no, not the whole planet.
But you could rule your own country, mmm - that! That great big island.
You can be king of Newfoundland.
What's it like? It's paradise.
A beautiful island paradise of wine, women and constant song.
Big sunny gardens, all year round.
What are the women like? Not very picky if you know what I mean.
King of New - New - what? Newfoundland.
King of Newfoundland, huh? So how do we find Stan? Excuse me.
I am looking for Stanley Tweedle.
He is in this city.
How would I find him? Better get yourself a new hairdo, freako Hey, baby Outta my way, bunhead! Who is in charge of this city? The President.
In the White House.
Pennsylvania Avenue.
Thank you.
Nice work - bunhead.
So, this makes me King of, er - Newfoundland, yes.
By my supreme executive authority, I invest you as the king Excellent.
I'll call you as soon as we get back to the Lexx.
- How? - Oh, we're much more advanced than you are.
I can call - right to your desk.
- Good.
And I'll find out where Prince is.
- Find out exactly where.
- exactly, yes.
Time to close the book on Prince.
Look! Gimmee a ride? Hold on tight.
You're sure it was the President? Yes sir.
And what exactly were he and Stanley Tweedle talking about? We don't know sir.
Why not? He asked us to leave the chamber.
Well why didn't you come up here? We - didn't know that was allowed, sir.
Well the next time that Stanley Tweedle and the President have a little chit chat, you have my permission to come into this office.
You can hear them quite well from here.
- Yes sir.
- Thank you.
This just in - the Sacred College of Cardinals of the Catholic Church have finally chosen a new Pope.
Although it's not a requirement of canon law, the college normally elects one of its own members as leader of the world's more than one billion Catholics.
But in a surprise break from tradition, they've made a - real estate agent from Miami, Genevieve G Rota, the new Holy Father of the Catholic Church.
I'm His Holiness? I'm the Holy Father? I'm the Pope! Oh my goodness! I'm the Pope, I can't believe it.
I'm the Pope, it ain't no joke, everybody, I'm the Pope! I'm the Pope.
I ain't no dope.
I offer hope - wine, wafers and water and wine.
Kiss my ring and cross my heart! We were deadlocked for a week, between the Cardinal of Valencia and the Cardinal of Milan.
It was getting so acrimonious, we decided to pick a compromise candidate at random from the newspaper.
Once conclave begins, no communication is allowed with the outside world, and the only newspaper we had was the real estate section of the Miami Herald.
We chose Genevieve because her name has a nice Catholic ring to it.
Isambard Prince, for the President I'm sorry sir.
The President's, er - away Away, where? Just - away.
sir The President didn't tell me that he was going away Would you like to leave a message? "We're going to Orlando this year, I promise".
That's what you said.
Your exact words.
I assumed that meant that you wanted to go.
You said we were going to go last year - of course, we didn't go anywhere last year.
You said we were gonna go the year before - and the year before that.
Each time you had a reason why you couldn't.
You always have a reason why you can't do anything.
The alligator pit! The alligator pit! We're almost there, lambikins.
The alligator pit! The alligator pit! Look, we all want to get to the alligator pit, sweetheart.
That is, as long as your father doesn't screw up this time, like he always does.
That's your plan? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
No, sweetie - Captain Tweedle says his spaceship can fire a tiny little beam, - at precisely - - And you believed him? Well, yes You know, I knew you were dumb Reggie, but I had no idea you were actually retarded.
How are you going to pinpoint Prince? Is he gonna go around telling you precisely where he is? Yeah? It's Prince! Isambard - how are you? And where are you? I just called to tell you I'm in Miami, for a couple of days, to meet with some Cuban hit men.
Er, good, good, fine, fine.
He's gone to Miami! So, where in Miami are you, exactly? My meeting's taking place in a small yacht, about two miles off South Beach - - why? - Er, Isambard, I've got to go.
Call me back.
- Find a map.
- This is crazy No it's not! It'll never work America, America - there.
There it is.
It's right there on that land that sticks out.
That land that sticks out is called Florida.
You don't know that, war hero? Oo - well, thirty years in the jungle causes you to forget - things.
- 790.
- Kai-o-licious! Lexx, what was that? A communication signal, Stanley.
Well - connect us! As you command, Stan.
Stanley? Captain Tweedle, - is that you? - Yes, yeah, it's me.
Prince is on a boat off Miami.
He promised to call back soon with his exact precise location, are you listening? - Yeah, yeah, I'm listening.
- OK.
- Prince? - Yes? Are you still there, where you are? On a boat? Yes, I'm still here.
Oh, sorry about that, I was on the other line.
I'm off the coast of Florida - that's the bit that sticks out at the bottom right hand corner of the United States Off Miami, right? Yes, I'm in a small boat off South Beach.
Could - could you say exactly how far off? Why? Well, er, I, I just like to know exactly where my trusty old number two man - I mean, number one man, is.
I see.
Well, just, just give me a moment here please.
My exact position is 25 degrees 45 minutes north, by 80 degrees 16 minutes west.
Did you get that? Oh, I am sorry - could you repeat that? 25 degrees 45 minutes north, by 80 degrees 16 minutes west.
- Thank you, Isambard.
- It's my pleasure.
Now, what was it that you were calling about? = Oh, it's the Cubans, sir.
- The Cubans, hmm, I see.
Yes, the Miami Cubans.
I'm arranging for them to take care of a little problem for me.
Mm, I see, good, good, fine, fine.
It's the type of problem they're quite experienced with, so I won't bore you with the details just now.
Yes, you handle it.
You are my number one.
- Well, bye, bye Isambard.
- Bye, bye Did you get all that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it.
And what do you think? I think you should have rotted in the jungles of Vietnam, and I should have married Dr Schnapsklapper.
OK Lexx - I want you to fire a tiny beam, at a teeny weeny tiny target.
I will always do as you command, captain.
OK Lexx - I want you to fire your weapon - Stan! What are you doing? Now Xev, look, I know that you think that sometimes I make really stupid decisions, and I admit, once or twice in the past, maybe I coulda done things a bit better, but trust me on this one.
What I am doing is for the greater good of everybody.
Do you mind if I ask how? And what exactly you have in mind then? I'm gonna get the Lexx to fire a tiny thin beam at a precise spot on that planet, and then no more Prince.
Do you think the Lexx can do that? Xev, look, we did some target practice a little while ago, and the Lexx fired a tiny beam at a little object that was - really, really far away, so this should be easy.
- Right, Lexx? - I will do as you command, Stan.
I don't know, Stan.
Oh, come on Xev! The Lexx and I are really good together.
Oh, sure you are! What if it doesn't work? Then you'll end up killing thousands and thousands of innocent people.
Look Xev - the only chance that entire planet has is with Prince out of the way, now you know that's true.
Are you sure it is possible to kill Prince in the conventional sense? You mean, after he's dead, he might be able to come back, like he did on Fire? - Yes.
- Yeah, but we don't know for sure! We shouldn't miss this chance.
Besides, I'm the captain of this ship, and I hereby declare by my - supreme executive authority, that we are gonna blow up Prince, the ultimate embodiment of evil, who we know - right now - is on a little boat off the coast of Miami, Florida - therefore making this planet a much better place for me, for you, for everybody! Now Lexx - you see that bit that sticks out there? Yes, Stan.
- Are you aimed at it? - Yes, Stan.
OK Lexx - I want you to fire a tiny thin beam, at - 28 degrees by 45 minutes north, by 81 degrees point 15 minutes west.
As you command, Stan.
Is that it? Oh, don't you just love it?! It's beautiful! Alligator pit! Alligator pit! You're no fun at all, do you know that? Oh, man - Prince? We interrupt this programme for a special news bulletin.
Moments ago, a massive explosion seems to have completely obliterated the city of Orlando, Florida.
Again, the city of Orlando, Florida has suffered a massive explosion.
Orlando? Idiot.
Good shot.
Lexx, you hit the wrong place! I am sorry Stanley - I tried my best.
How could you miss! I like to blow up whole planets.
That is what I was designed for.
I will try again if you like.
- No! - Congratulations, mass murderer.
Oh, as if that matters to you! That's it.
I'm outta here.
I've had it with this whole stupid planet, I've had it with Prince, and I've had it with everything.
I say we just get outta here right now, and take our chances someplace else.
Lexx - get us outta here now! I am very weak Stanley.
Unless I eat a lot more I will not be able to go very far very quickly.
Look Lexx, we'll find you something else to eat along the way, OK? Let's just, just, you know, just go! As you request, captain - but I will only be able to go very, very slowly.
Well, as long as you're moving.
Stan - I don't wanna go just yet.
Well Xev, if you don't wanna go just yet, you get in a moth and you go down to that planet, but don't expect me to wait for you, because I'm leaving, right now! All because Prince is still down there, right? That alone would be good enough reason for me! I think you should both go down there and stay.
Oh, shut up, metal mouth! I'm sure the two of you would be perfectly happy there.
Stan, turn the Lexx around.
I'm sorry Xev.
We'll find you a nice place later on, OK? With no Prince on it.
I promise.
You low-grade idiot! What? Prince is still alive! Not only that, you just blew up Orlando! - I tried my best, sweetie.
- Don't you call me sweetie, you little war hero! What are we gonna do, Reggie? I don't know.
What are they gonna do to us when they find out? They're gonna take all this away - from me.
You'll go to the electric chair, and I won't be First Lady any more.
And what'll Prince do to us when he finds out? Finds out - what? - Prince! - Finds out - what? Oo - nothing - We thought you were in Miami.
- Yes.
Well I'm not Mr President - it appears that we've had a spot of bother, - in Orlando.
- Yes, it's terrible, isn't it It's awful.
All those cute little plastic animals melted and charred beyond recognition, well - Do we have any idea what happened yet? Oo, no.
Maybe it just, um - exploded by itself? You know, one minute it's there, the next minute - pfft! Well that's an interesting theory, Mr President, but I doubt that the people will accept such an explanation.
When something as terrible as this happens, someone must be seen to pay for it, otherwise the public will not be satisfied.
And as you know - this is exactly the sort of incident that gets a presidency into trouble.
You're absolutely right, Isambard.
Our very presidency is at stake - and it's far too big a matter for our moronic president to take care of.
I have a plan, to turn this thing around.
Leaving this planet without any idea where we are going is not a very bright decision.
Too bad, I'm captain and you're not.
You may not be able to reach a life bearing planet unless the Lexx eats, Stanley.
Well, what do you care, you're dead.
You and Xev however are alive.
It could take the Lexx many thousands of years to reach a suitable planet in its weakened condition.
You will of course choose to enter cryosleep, but the cryopods may not continue to function properly for that length of time.
OK then, I'll let the Lexx eat.
Lexx - is there something down there, small enough you can eat that's enough to keep you going at full speed? Yes, Stanley - I will be able to go full speed if I ate just that small little part of the blue planet.
It has lots of green goodness and yummy protein, and not too many hard rocks.
That land mass the Lexx is referring to is a country called Holland.
- Fine.
Lexx - I order you to eat - - Wait a second - if that's a country, then doesn't it possibly have lots of people? Holland appears to be densely populated - which means it would supply Lexx with plenty of protein.
Stan, you can't order the Lexx to just eat a country - - that's mass murder.
- Well, that maybe technically speaking it's mass murder, - but - - It's wrong Stanley, and you know it.
It's a Type 13 planet, Xev, it's doomed anyway! Lexx, I order you to eat Holland! As you request, Stan - and thank you.
Holland looks very, very tasty.
Kai - if I asked you to, would you kill Stanley? Hey! If you kill Stan, the key will come back to me, right? - Hey, hey, hey, hey! - Yes.
If I kill Stan the key will flow to you and you will become captain of the Lexx.
Oh come on, but you wouldn't really do that would you, Kai old buddy old pal, you wouldn't kill me, I mean, you're a former assassin, - right? - Although I have no feeling for the people of Holland, I am aware that morally speaking it is not right to sacrifice a whole nation for one man's individual gain.
Therefore, if Xev were to ask me to - I would.
OK Kai, I order you - not to kill me.
So if Xev asks you to kill me, the two orders cancel each other out, right? Yes - but your choice to destroy Holland tips the scales.
So, if Xev asks me to - I will kill you, Stanley.
Turn the Lexx around, Stan.
- No.
- Yes.
Kill them both Kai! That's my vote.
Oh, shut up! Come on now guys, this isn't funny anymore, OK? Look, we can't stay here, and we can't go unless the Lexx eats.
What choice do we have? Xev? - Lexx - seal the bridge! - As you command, Stan.
I didn't know the Lexx could do that.
Oh Lexx my friend, you are so full of surprises! OK guys - I'm not gonna let you out until you promise not to kill me, OK? Guys? Look, I'm doing this for your own good.
Do you wish me to kill Stanley? What about this? Such barriers are not meaningful to a Divine Assassin.
OK guys - do I win, or what? Lexx - I command you not to eat Holland! But I'm very hungry, Stan.
Sorry Lexx - turn around and get out of this solar system as fast as you can.
Oh - all right.
We invited you, our country's senior journalists, to come to the Oval Office today so that the President could brief you privately on the tragedy at Orlando.
- Mr President - - Yes.
Thank you, Isambard.
Ladies and gentlemen - we have got a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad situation here, but we found a way to save the presidency, yes - it's a good day.
What the President is saying, ladies and gentlemen, is that we have learned who is responsible for Orlando.
We have the proof.
Right here.
Why don't you play it for them Reggie? Right.
This tape was found by ATF agents in another political party's head office, one hour before Orlando was wiped out.
This is General Juan Pinata - - That's - that's a Cuban general! - It is the destiny of - It's outrageous.
- Cuba to read the world of the Yankee capitalistos, who always blame Cuba for everything.
And so, in one hour we will use one of our Russian warheads from 1961 to blow up the city of Orlando - Florida, America - in one hour.
We may blow up other cities after this one, we may not, you never know.
Because you are all stupid Yankee pig-dogs.
I spit on you! Death to America! Death to stupid Yankee pig-dogs in Orlando! It was Cuba after all.
Wasn't that the Washington Monument in the background? I think that was the Che Guevara Monument in Havana.
How will you respond to this, Mr President? Just throw me the damn football.
We'll show them who's boss.
To authorise the launch codes, simply place your hand here, Mr President.
I hereby authorise launch codes for Operation Cigarillo.
Adios, Cuba America will respect you, Mr President.
You've done the right thing.
No foreign greaseball's gonna push us around.
It's strong leadership at the right time, from a real war hero.
I swear that was the Washington Monument.
Have you seen my butterfly room? You'll love it.
I'm very good - with butterflies.
Here are some of the stories we're following for tonight's edition of News Plus.
The Dow Jones is up 456 points.
Fire fighters have been called in to retrieve a cat stuck in a power line along I95.
Film at 11 - and Cuba was nuked off the face of the Earth late this afternoon by President Priest, in retaliation for yesterday's evil attack on Orlando.
There has been no reaction so far from Havana.
All this, and your late local forecast, coming up on News Plus.
Yes? Sir, this is NASA.
We thought we should inform you that our readings indicate that the Lexx at this moment has started moving away from the Earth.
Prince! Hello, Stanley.
It's nice to see you.
And Kai - and Xev, you as well of course.
So, we're leaving Earth, are we? - We are.
- That's a shame.
Well, yes and no.
How so? All I can say is that I'm happy to be flying away from you.
Ah but Stanley, this planet is just so much fun.
Well, some of us don't find it fun to be - pinned to a wall and almost killed! Well that was just a little misunderstanding! Do you mind telling me exactly where you're going? The plan is we're going to drift in space, until we find a nice planet.
That's a good plan.
You must have worked on that for a long time.
Well, we wouldn't have to drift if the Lexx came down there and at Washington DC, - and you with it.
- Well why don't you? Well we just might.
I think you should stay, Stanley.
How would you like to be Vice President? Yeah, right, what's that? A very important position, with all the perks and privileges you could ever want.
No deal.
Xev - you could be Queen of England.
She's not interested! The Queen of England owns her own beautiful island full of gardens and antiques.
The position is currently filled, but all it would take to free it up would be a couple of phone calls.
She is not interested in gardens or antiques! Then what do you care about, Stanley? Why do you want us to stay, Prince? - Because I do.
- The fact is Prince, as long as you are on that planet, we don't want anything to do with it.
- Oh, that stings.
- I have an idea - Kai, would you kill Prince if we both asked you to? - Yes.
- Yeah Kai, you could go down to Earth and do your assassin thing on somebody who really deserves it.
Yes, Kai, go down to Earth and kill Prince.
There's one small tiny little flaw in your thinking.
- Which is -? - You forget, I'm the head of the most powerful institution on this planet - The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms of the United States of America, and as such, I have an immense capacity to protect myself.
I can hide away so that you would never, ever find me.
- Is that a problem? - No.
As a Divine Assassin I performed many difficult assassinations.
For instance, Ring Torbin, the rebel leader on Phoebe 27.
Ring Torbin buried himself deep inside the molten core of the planet.
He was protected by fifty thousand men - with robot controlled ion weapons.
- And - ? I had to kill 2,807 of his men before I killed him.
- Ha, ha! - I can eliminate Prince with complete certainty in a short time.
And if you kill me, what then? You know I can be reborn, whenever and however I want.
That was true on the planet Fire - - but is it true on Earth? - Yes.
I think so.
It can't be true on Earth.
Look - he's scared! - You're scared, aren't you Prince? - Year, - Xev is right.
- You know that when you destroyed the planet Fire all of its evil including me came here, so it makes no difference.
This planet will be just as bad whether I live or die.
I'm just a drop in an ocean of badness - or, rather, more of a bucketful.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're wrong.
You're just trying to talk us out of killing you.
- On the contrary, I'm right.
- Kai, do you think he's right? Yes.
So - good luck on your journey.
You'll need it.
Cheerie bye.
Bye, bye, little blue planet.
- You don't look happy, my prince.
- I'm not.
Why did you blow up Orlando? Er - what do you mean? I know that you got Stanley Tweedle to blow up Orlando.
My only question is, precisely why? Just to cause trouble, my prince, you know, screw things up, create chaos, just like you always want.
Really? - Mm hmm.
- I think you wanted to get rid of me - - Oo no, no.
- and you thought I was in Miami, - didn't you? - Well, yes, but - and you got Stanley Tweedle to fire one of the Lexx's shots at me, only it missed and took out Orlando.
Am I getting warm? I don't know what to say.
You say "You're right, my prince".
You're right, my prince - but, but it was the First Lady's idea! All hers.
Only hers! Forgive me, my prince.
I'm not very good at forgiveness.
Especially as your little prank has stranded me on this planet.
Because of you, I'm stuck here, do you understand? You have to be punished.
Yes of course my prince, I deserve it.
What is my punishment? Have you ever been to Dallas? What's Dallas? I'm aware that this is not the usual protocol, but I am issuing a specific order for the Secret Service, the CIA, the FBI and the Dallas police to stand down.
Thank you.
So, Mr President - - welcome to Dallas.
- What a dump? True - but Dallas plays an important part in American history.
- Is that right? - Hmm.
Have you ever heard of JFK? No, er, maybe.
22nd of November 1963? - Should I have? - Well, once upon a time, there was this president called JFK.
And this president had a very bad habit of not following orders - too.
- Oo - that's not good? - No.
Consequently he had to be punished - just about here, as a matter of fact.
Oh! What? - Oh no.
- What? Quick - change seats! - Why? - Don't argue with me, just do it! And I've brought you here because I thought this would be a perfect spot to ask a question.
- What question? - Do you think you - can follow orders? - Yes, yes, of course my prince - I will do anything you say.
I wish I could believe you.
Look, Reggie just agreed with you, what more do you want? - Now let's get going! - I really want to trust you Mr President, I really do.
You can trust him, you can trust him! I'm speaking to the President.
The lesson to be learnt here is that even kings can be killed.
It's been that way for thousands of years.
Regicide happens all the time - especially to the stupid ones, who don't know how to follow orders.
War hero, my ass.
- I think she's dead.
- So sad.
I'll get over it.
A lesson well learned, wouldn't you say? We'll have to get you a new First Lady - time to trade up.
Yes! Excellent idea, my prince.
- I'll trade up.
- And you'll always remember - who's in charge? - Yes.
Yes of course, my prince.
- You are my prince.
- Yes, yes, yes, thank you.
Come in.
There's something wrong with my pussy, doctor.
What seems to be the problem? Well, I don't know.
He's gone off his food, he doesn't purr anymore - and he walks all stiffly.
And sometimes he just flies round and round the room.
- I beg your pardon? - He's not my precious little pussy Buttons anymore! Well, let's take a little look, shall we? So - - how's Buttons today, huh? - You gotta do something doctor.
Oh yes, there seems to be something - a little off here.
- What? What? There seems to be something - inside Buttons.
- Oh no! Oh Buttons! Oh! No! Mikl, Bars (ñèíõðîíèçàöèÿ è êîððåêòèðîâêà)