Lexx s04e06 Episode Script

The Rock

Is that Transylvania down there? I believe it is an island called Newfoundland.
Newfoundland.
Newfoundland? What does that say? It says "From the office of the President of the United States of America - mmmmm, eruuuuum, mmm - President Reginald J Priest" There is nothing else here I can understand.
But it does have the President's name on it? - Yes.
- OK, then that makes me king of Newfoundland.
That's it down there.
I say we go down, and visit my subjects.
I say we go down, and visit my subjects.
What about Transylvania? Transylvania can wait.
LEXX 4.
6 THE ROCK President Priest said this was a sunny warm green paradise.
- I guess he lied.
- Well, maybe somewhere else, right? It's a big island, right? From the air, the entire island appeared to be completely covered with snow.
Hey - watch this.
Hello, my loyal subject.
I'm Stanley H Tweedle, the new king of Newfoundland, and I'm wondering if you could direct me to the king's palace? There's no stone left for you to crawl under, Brud! That is no way to treat your new king! Nice subjects.
Dignity, dignity.
You - are - onli - the - most exciting man in the free world.
Next to me.
- Prince.
- Mr President, Bunny.
We were just - that is er, - Bunny was - - Tickling you.
Yes, well I'm sure you'd prefer, Mr President, to be tickled all day.
However, there are more pressing affairs at hand.
- There are? - Yes.
Such as making sure that the captain of the Lexx, Stanley Tweedle, does not leave this planet, so that I will have some way off, after I've finished making a complete mess of it.
Do you recall your pathetic and incompetent scheme to kill me, which made Tweedle the king of the island of Newfoundland? - Yes, I think so.
- Well, apparently the king has shown up to claim his throne, which gives us the perfect opportunity to persuade him to stay.
If Stanley Tweedle leaves the Earth forever on the Lexx.
I will be very unhappy, and I will make sure that you are very unhappy as well.
Mr President.
How can you treat the President like that? - Easily! - And always.
It's in my nature.
I am to dominate - - all the time.
- In every way.
- My every whim - - is my instruction.
- So - - Yes? How do we persuade Stanley Tweedle to remain on this planet? A clever way.
A very clever way.
- And that would be - ? - Something - oo - that you would think of.
Correct! - Bunny.
- What? Do you love the President? Completely! Then you will go to Newfoundland, and persuade Stanley Tweedle to remain on this planet.
But I don't wanna go to Newfoundland! I wanna stay here with the President! - I'll go with her.
- No you won't.
I'll dream of you every moment I'm gone.
And I'll come quickly - - back.
You are a good Bunny.
Before I go, can we please have one last super special snuggle? Sorry - Chopper One is standing by.
And remember Bunny - your loyalty to the presidency is more important than your loyalty to the President.
Do you understand? - I think so.
- Good! Come on.
Bye bye Mr President! Happy hour, oh happy hour.
How happy are you at happy hour - Are you happy at happy hour.
I wish every hour was happy hour.
Hey folks, thank ya thank ya.
OK now - this next one's going out to all the guys out there who've got sisters that can't do any better in the sack than just lie there like a cold fish - You gets offa that stage, Brud Parsnip.
and all the ugly stoopid cows in the world with brudders who are even uglier and stoopider than they are! You're a dead man, Brud! Get back, you coward - jeesily devil dog! George b'y! Where's me sister's car, Brud? - I haven't got it.
- What about the five hundred dollars? Look, I lost the car on a pair of jacks, and I spent the five hundred bucks on a hotel room to wash her frigging stink off me.
You ain't Brud, you fricker.
Musta snuck out arse foremost.
Where's Brud Parsnip at? Hear he's playing here today.
We'd like to make a request.
Yeah, it's called "I'm gonna lay the boots to Brud, for sticking me with a $400 long distance bill!" Try the kitchen.
Aw, let's check the back.
I'm still freezing.
Come on, let's get warmed up.
Come on.
Greetings, loyal subjects.
I hereby declare today - King Stanley Day! They don't seem to be celebrating, Stan.
Well, maybe they just haven't heard the good news.
Hey, my good man - I am Stanley H Tweedle, your new king! Ow's she getting on, Brud? Why is everyone saying brud to me? It must be some kind of local greeting.
Stanley, how long are we going to stay here? Well, at this rate, not a whole lot longer.
You know, President Priest told me that Newfoundland was a garden of wine, women and song, and so far all I've seen is cold and snow, and, and - yuck! So, let's go back to the moth and take off for the Lexx.
Maybe the time has come to finally give up on this planet and start trying to find a nice one.
- Yeah, you know, that's funny.
- Why? Well, because usually it's cowardly captain Stanley H Tweedle who wants to go back to the Lexx, and Xev, the brave Cluster lizard love slave with a sense of adventure, who wants to stay.
Whatever happened to your "Carnivores like to explore" bit? Cluster lizards are from a hot planet.
I just don't like it here.
Then why are we still here? Why are we on this planet at all? You are still here because I have asked you to go to the place called Transylvania.
Yeah, exactly.
So explain to me Kai why you, being dead and having no wants, would want to go there? I do not want to go there, but I have an interest in certain legends related to the place.
Stanley? Bunny?! Yeah! Hi Xev, hi Kai.
This is one weird planet.
Are you the same Bunny we met before, that - died? She is either the same Bunny we met before, reborn - or an archetype.
- How do you know our names? - I jast do.
You are Kai - you are dead.
You're Xev, Stan.
- Hi! - Hi.
- What do you want, Bunny? - Well, I want you to stay here, on this planet.
- Will you stay? - Why do you want us to stay? Can I talk to you, Stanley - - alone? - Oh, er, um - We'll be over there - brud! Come on Kai.
This is a really nice place Stanley.
Why would you want to leave? What makes you think we wanna leave? So you'll stay? You mean, here in Newfoundland, or on this planet? Yeah! I dunno Bunny, I mean my kingdom here is not exactly on the warm side, and then we've got to go to a place called Transylvania, and then we'll probably just head back to the Lexx and fly away from this planet forever.
Oh, please don't fly away.
- Well, what does it matter to you? - I want you to stay! No, I'm sorry Bunny.
But hey - you could leave with us when we go.
I don't know, Stanley.
I think I have to stay here.
Oh well, suit yourself but you know, we're out of here for certain.
It's not a question of if, it's only a question of when.
Before you go, I could give you a little going away present.
What kind of going away present? Come by room number 6, at 7:30.
OK.
Where's Bunny? Oh, she just went upstairs, I'm gonna meet her up there in a while.
What for? She has a - present for me.
- Yeah, hello.
- Yeah, hello - look, if you wanna find Brud Parsnip, you'll find him tonight at the Priest Hole in room 6, 7:30.
Bye.
Yeah, I tried to get him to stay, but he said they were leaving this planet anyway and that was that, so - - can I come back? - No.
What else did you say? I told him I'd meet him later, to give him a going away present, but - I don't have a going away present! Bunny - you have done very, very, very well for your country and your president.
We will arrange a going away present.
We most certainly will.
- What? - You! Bunny, wunny - if you love your country, if you cherish all that we hold dear, and if you truly truly love the Presidency - I do! I do love the Presidency! He means that you are to seduce Stanley Tweedle, if you can't convince him in any other way.
Seduce him? You mean you want me to - Give him the ride of his life.
I don't know if I can.
I mean, I love the President so much, I can't bear to think of another man - Please Bunny, it's all right.
You can do it for me.
For the Presidency.
Oh, there's gotta be at least one green garden around here somewhere.
Now that is some screech, b'y, dat is Oh, fancy a tickle of the ivories, my son? - My name is Kai.
- Oh, and I'm Father Pickle.
This premises is my little hole in the wall.
I opened it to raise money for the orphans better than the bingo, don't you think? You must be from - away, then? I am from the Light Universe.
I was an assassin for 2000 years, in the service of His Divine Shadow.
I am dead.
Wonderful - well, each of us has his own story to tell - even if they don't come to much in the end, eh? Would you like to give it a go? It is a musical instrument? Oh, there's no fooling you, me boy.
The dead are easily fooled.
Ah, give it a go.
She won't bite ya.
Listen up boys, listen up.
Tonight, we have something very special for you.
This very good looking young man, Kai, is from a dead universe - must be the mainland, huh? But tonight he has promised us a tickle of the ivories.
Hey, this should be good.
Yo Way Yo.
You're early - Stanley.
Well Bunny, I just couldn't wait any longer to see you.
You seem - different.
Different? Er, what, me, Stanley H Tweedle, captain of the Lexx, different? No, I'm a hundred percent me.
Always have been! Anyway, I just came by to say - goodbye.
Goodbye? Yeah, yeah, I've decided to leave this planet, right now.
I'm gonna take Xev and - Kai with me.
- You can't leave! - Well - I'm sorry Bunny, you know, I'd like to stay,really I would, but you know how it is - captain of the Lexx, there's a lot of important - space missions that I've gotta do.
I just thought I'd come by and say - so long.
Oh, tut tut tut, no tears, Bunny, no tears.
I know how it must hurt, me leaving, but - what can I do? I can't help it.
This is just terrible, terrible! There, there, there.
Now, you tell Bru - brave Captain Stanley all about it.
well - I promised I would get you to stay! - Promised who? - My husband.
Your husband? Ah.
Where's he? In Washington DC.
He's the President of the United States.
What? Oh, well - he asked me to come to Newfoundland and convince you to stay on Earth and so I said yes because, because I love him more than life itself and and I don't want anything bad to happen to him! And now you're saying you're leaving and I don't know what I'm gonna do! - Oh, I - Please don't go, Stanley.
Bunny, I feel your pain but outer space awaits Stanley H Tweedle.
No.
Look, Bunny, you're young, you'll get over it.
You'll have to let go of my leg now, Bunny.
- I'll do anything you want.
- Anything? - Anything.
- Anything, you name it! No! I couldn't ask you to do that, it wouldn't be right.
Yes, you can ask me, you can ask me, I'll do anything.
Whatever it is, I'll say yes.
Would you cradle my rock? Cradle your rock? I don't know what you mean.
That's OK Bunny - I do.
Trust me - all will be revealed.
Yo Way Yo.
Yo Way Yo.
Hom Var Ray, Yo Way Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G Yo Way Yo, Hom Var Ray, Yo Way Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G You do have some talent my son, but your style is a little bit - stiff.
Try this - might help to loosen it up.
I do not have a liver.
Oh.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that.
Fortunately I still have a fraction of mine left.
Oh, that hit the spot! So, you're staying now? Fraid not, I'm leaving you and this planet.
- But you said - - Yeah, well, I lied! You know what they call that around here? - What? - Tough nookies! Anyway, gotta run.
You were great.
I've had better, but not today.
But you promised you'd stay! Well I did stay, now I've gotta go.
You are a bad, bad man! Yeah, well, I can't disagree with you there.
Er - give my regards to Mr President! - What time is it now? - You just asked, 7:28.
- And what time is it now? - I just told you, 7:28.
- And now? - 7:29.
Close enough.
You're a bad man! - I've gotta go! - You don't know the half of it.
I've had to face temptation me whole life.
Yeah, well I'm just learning about it, OK? Even though I took a vow of celibacy, I swore to forgo the evil pleasures of the flesh, to deny myself the simple physical pleasure of romping naked on a bed, with a beautiful, lithe, - lissom, firm, gorgeous - - Listen listen listen listen listen - I don't know what you're talking about pal, but I've got to romp naked with a very tempting young lady, and you're making me late! Fight the urge, bad man, fight the urge! Romping naked - ooh, very dangerous words.
Away wit ya! Away wit ya! - Hi Bunny - - Bad man! Bad man! But Bunny, wait! Ow's she gettin on, b'y? Are those words you're speaking, or is your mouth broken? Watch your mouth, Brud Parsnip.
We'll have no more of your lip.
Do you know what the funny thing about all of this is? - Wha? - I'm not Brud Parsnip.
I am Stanley H Tweedle, and I'm the new king of Newfoundland.
Oh.
Well, come here then, Stanley Tweedle the new king of Newfoundland.
Come here, I won't bite.
Well, OK.
Bout time the king was crowned, wha? You wanna nother screech? I think you need nother screech.
Hi Xev.
Stan! What do you think? Where's your hat? Threw it away.
New planet, new hat! Spose so! Ah - Xev, I need to talk to you.
About what? Not here.
What is it Stanley? It's something personal.
What? It's important, it's extremely important.
Can we go to the moth? You serious? I've never been more serious in my life.
OK Stan, but it better be important.
I'll be right back.
Bad man! Better not to think about it.
What is it you wanted to talk to me about? You're a good listener Xev, you know, that's one of the things I always really liked about you.
That, and the fact that you're a love slave Cluster lizard, with a sense of adventure.
I'm listening.
Yeah, well you know, there are certain things I've been wanting to get off my chest for a while.
I wanted to be able to really open up, you know - it's just, just - it's hard, sometimes.
Well, whatever it is, you can tell me.
- Really? - Yeah.
Ah - not here.
- Why not? - No, no, I can't talk about it here, it's gotta be on the Lexx.
I don't understand what this is all about.
You will, I promise.
I'll tell you everything, as soon as we get on the Lexx.
- It's that important? - Mm hmm.
But what about Kai? Oh, we'll come right back.
You know, it's just that what I've got to say is so, so very very difficult, you know, I can only explain it on the Lexx.
Well, if it's really that, very, very, important - Oh it is, it is.
All right, let's go.
Oh look, do you - do you mind flying? I don't feel like I'm up to it just now.
Look, whatever it is you think you're doing here, I can tell you you're making a big mistake.
I am the king of Newfoundland, and I refuse to be disrespected like this.
- Now release me at once! - Or what? Or I'll tell the President of the United States.
Sure you will.
I've got a better idea, Parsnip.
I'm not Parsnip, I'm Tweedle! I'm captain of the Lexx, I'm king of Newfoundland - you got the wrong man! See, only the real Brud Parsnip could come up with a story like that, wha? Now here's my idea - for every lie, you get one good pounding - like that.
OK, OK.
I won't lie.
And you see all these people here? These are some of the people who you've lied to, or else gotten money off of and never returned, or screwed over some other way.
Now mind you, this isn't all of them.
This is a tiny minuscule fraction of them.
Today, we're gonna get settled up once and for all.
You get one big jeesily pounding for every lie you've told, every promise you broke, every bad debt that you rung up over the years, you follow? How many poundings are we talking about here? Well, into the hundreds, I would imagine.
If not the tousands, or even the tens of tousands.
But I'm not Brud Parsnip! Well, dat's ten tousand and one, isn't it, wha? Ten tousand and - all right, who's first? - So Stan, what is it? - Whoa! Why did we have to come up here? What do you have to say? Man, oh man - We're here.
What is it? Whoa.
Sit! Talk to me.
OK.
What is it? Why do I have to feel so much? I've never seen you like this before! Can I trust you, Xev? I mean, can I really, really trust you? You can trust me Stan.
Oh, but this is, this is so hard for me to say, Xev.
I'm here for you.
Say it.
OK.
OK.
It's a song.
So, what is that thing? - Keyboard.
- Huh? I mean, it's a - my music thingy, that I found.
It's a song that I want you to hear, that I wrote, just for you.
Yo A O, Hom Var Ray, Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G Way Ro Way, Ro Hanna Ro, A Way Ro Ra, Jay Hanna Ray Yo A O, Hom Var Ray, Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G Yo A O, Hom Var Ray, Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G Yo A O, Hom Var Ray, Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G Of course, I can speak the Gaelic, and a fair bit of Latin, and very little Greek - but that language - I don't recognise it at all.
It is the language of my people - the Brunnen G.
And - what was that song about? The Brunnen G were a once proud and noble race of romantic warriors who, over time, became isolated and inward looking.
This song - is an ancient song in a long lost language handed down by my ancestors.
It was song, by the Brunnen G warriors, as we sang it, when we went into battle expecting to die.
And - what happened? We died.
Oh Xev, oh Xev, what is it Xev.
Who are you Xev, oh Xev Xev Xev.
Why do I-I-I feel this way.
Oh Xev, what can I say-ay-ay.
Happy hour, oh happy hour.
You make me happy at happy hour.
Happy hour, oh happy hour.
Oh Xev, oh Xev, oh Xevvvvvvvv.
Yeah.
So, what do you think? Yeah.
All right Stan - out with it.
Out with it? Are you sure? I'm sure.
Stan? I need a hug.
I've been waiting a long time for this, you lying thieving blood of a bitch! And then when I asked you if you were at Doris's house, you said you weren't! You said you needed my PIN number, 'cause it was right romantic to share PIN numbers.
Oh, this feels so good.
Let it out, Stanley.
Oh, but I've kept it in so long.
Well, now it's time to let it out! But it's a part of me that I've kept hidden from you.
Do you really want to see it? Let it out, Stan.
Xev - I want you, to be the hand, that's gonna rock my cradle.
- Sorry?! - Oh come on Xev, look I'll never ask anything from you ever again, I promise.
What do you mean? Stop this! Come on, you know what I mean.
Enough is enough, huh? - Stan! - Hey look, you're a love slave, right? I bet you've cradled plenty of rocks, Xev.
- Don't do that! - Come on Xev - don't be like that, 'cause there's just the two of us here.
- It's enough.
- Come on! I said it's enough! Stan! Something I should have done a long time ago, ha ha! You killed him, you confused junk head! One down, one to go.
Put me down! Where's the key? Who cares! Where's the Kai? If Stan died, the key should have come out of his hand.
I ought to throw you over too.
What's stopping you? Nothing! Poor Stan.
Long live the Brunnen G! I think I'll just pour meself another little drop, to protect me from temptation.
You sure you won't join me? No, I must rejoin my friends.
- Where is Stanley? - You mean Parsnip? He's getting the jeesily crap beaten out of him downstairs.
OK, d'you fancy another rendition of that tune there? My turn to give him the gears, wha? Ow's she gettin on, b'y? Who the frig are you? I am Kai.
Yeah, well you gotta wait your turn Kai, we're just getting started here.
He is not Brud Parsnip.
His name is Stanley Tweedle.
Oh, Kai.
Gee - sorry skipper - y'alright? Hello Stan.
Xev! - and then, I - cradled his rock! - Oh, there there.
- I did it, because I love you.
- I know.
It was horrible! You are a wonderful Bunny.
What are you doing? People who don't treat the President's Bunny with the proper respect, deserve what they're going to get.
You're the bestest President ever.
Bye bye Newfoundland.
Pe-ew! I want to cradle your rock, right now.
- You do? - Mm hmm.
There's nothing that I'd like better.
Well then - cradle away, by all means.
Up to no good again, are we? Prince.
Of course, of course.
- Just the way you like it.
- Yes.
Are we all ready to go then? - Go where? - Oh surely, Mr President, you haven'tforgotten about the Antarctic summit.
Oo, I had, actually.
Air Force One is fuelled and ready to go.
So am I.
There'll be plenty of time for that, after Antarctica.
- Where's Tarctica? - This way.
I don't get it.
Brud Parsnip looked exactly like you, Stanley.
Yeah, well he didn't act like me.
Totally different person.
I'm glad about that.
On each planet, there seem to be a limited number of models of humans.
You happened to find yours on this planet, Stanley.
Well, good riddance! What was that? That was the thermonuclear destruction of the island of Newfoundland.
Oh.
Good thing we're on our way to Transylvania.
Mikl, Bars (ñèíõðîíèçàöèÿ è êîððåêòèðîâêà)