Lexx s04e17 Episode Script

Dutch Treat

My man is back, my man in black, he gives my head a heart attack! What's that sound? Sparky robot love.
No, not you! That other sound.
That was the Lexx dry heaving.
Funny that it should coincide with your return.
Oh, you want funny? Well what about I come over there and start pounding you into tinfoil, huh? Which I'm just about ready to do.
I'm shaking.
- Kai, do you know what it was? - Yes.
The Lexx trying to vomit, as 790 suggested.
He may have reached the point where he has begun to starve to death.
Starve to death?! What are you talking about, the Lexx can't die! Everything that lives, dies.
And now is as good a time as any.
So please Stanley, hurl yourself off the bridge - you too, Xev.
Something's gonna go off the bridge all right, and it's gonna be you.
Lexx 4-17 Dutch Treat Watch out Stan! That's disgusting! What is this stuff? Fluid from a ruptured membrane.
The Lexx is consuming its own tissue in an attempt to stay alive, and its efforts are endangering its structural integrity.
At this time the effects are superficial, but without food they will soon become terminal.
- Meaning? - Meaning, that the Lexx will start collapsing around you as it digests itself.
- This is bad.
- Oh yeah, well what can we do? - We lost the key.
- You lost the key! I did not lose the key, it was stolen from me! So, so don't blame me.
- I am blaming you! - Oh yeah? Well, as I recall, when I did have the key we couldn't go anywhere because the Lexx needed to eat, to go anywhere at all.
So I said, OK Lexx, go ahead, eat Holland, you know, but you and Kai said oh no, no, you can't do that.
So as far as I'm concerned this mess that we are in is all your fault and it's Kai's fault, so - you two go ahead and figure a way out of it.
Fine, you're really helping! Any ideas? - Just one.
- What? - The Noah.
- The what? The Noah is the name of the vessel that Dr Ernst Longbore is building at his compound in the Earth state of Texas, with technical information provided by 790.
The craft is designed for extended space travel, its mission being to find a suitable planet for Longbore and his followers to colonise after the Earth destroys itself.
Longbore's ship to being ready? - Not answering.
- 790! I estimate that it is something more than 75% built, and should be ready to launch in 60 days, or less.
But I'm ready to launch right now, so grab hold of my boosters, my long dead bunhead! Not at this time, 790.
Why not?! I've only been helping these morons as a favour to you, and you haven't licked my casing even once in return.
We should contact them So, you'll help us? It will be an honour to count you among our number as we search for a new and better home in the distant stars.
All right then.
We'll just pack our things and come down to Earth right away.
Take your time, we will not leave without you.
It won't take long, we don't have much to pack Hey doc, the bus is here.
What bus? The one from the girls' school in Houston.
Ah, that bus.
Sorry to leave you, Lexx.
You were - you are, the best ship a captain could ever hope to have.
I'm touched.
No, really.
Now hup hup, chop chop, load up and let's make tracks - I get Kai's lap.
Sorry 790, you're staying.
- Ha ha ha.
- Ha ha ha! You are staying! Don't be an idiot.
I'm far too valuable to leave behind.
My vast knowledge of almost everything makes me indispensable on the voyage.
You are an out of control robot head who's tried to kill me and Xev over and over.
- We'll take our chances.
- Yeah, Stan's absolutely right.
You're always betraying us, and we just don't want you around anymore.
Speak for yourself, slut face.
Kai won't leave me behind.
I will do what Stan and Xev ask me to.
If they wish you to remain, we will leave you.
- I wish.
- Me too.
People, we're a team! We've been a team for thousands of years.
True, I hate your guts, but I've always been there for you.
Without me you would have been dead long ago.
Yeah, and with you we'll probably be dead tomorrow.
Face it, robot head - you're finished.
This is madness - torture! Please, I promise to behave - from now on, I mean it.
- No.
I'll obey every command either of you give me.
I swear on my - tiny piece of human brain.
- No.
Xev - I'll recite epic poems to your beauty, just like in the old days.
Stan - I'll defer to you in all things.
I'll call you captain - sir - Mr Handsome - anything you want.
No! Kai - what about our love? our love exists in your head, not mine.
But I think I know where the key is.
We're not listening.
Yeah, we don't trust you anymore.
I - I - I'm not happy! Now I personally guarantee that if you follow this programme for 10 minutes a day for 30 days, you too can have a ruling class ass.
So - hit it! And run! And run! And run, and run, and run, and run! And kick it! And kick it! And kick it, kick it, kick it! And punch it! And punch it! And punch it, punch it, punch it - good.
Sir, there are some rather pressing issues - OK now - we're gonna keep going, and we're gonna lie - all the way down.
- Mr President, six Arab nations are now threatening a jihad unless you issue a formal apology for asking them why they wear those rags on their heads - And kick it! And kick it, kick it, kick it! North Carolina is still waiting for emergency relief, and the South is threatening to secede from the Union.
The people are demanding action.
And Bunny is providing it.
And call the French ambassador, call the French ambassador.
Hey there French ambassador, hey there French ambassador.
Work your buns a little more.
Go Bunny! Go Bunny! And now, you know what you can do if you have a partner, because sometimes Mr President and I, we do - ah! Stop filming! Bunny, my yummy yummy pooky plum.
- Are you hurt? - I broke a nail.
I'll get the Surgeon General.
- Was I good? - You were terrific.
O no darling, you know we can't But I'm a love pie, Mr President - and you are my filling.
I want to be your filling, I want your pie, I need your pie - but Bunnykins, if we make love you could lose the key to the Lexx, and Prince will be very - It's not fair, it's not fair! Mr President - Can't you see my wife's very upset? Leave us alone, both of you! You are so sexy when you tell people what to do.
I am, aren't I? You should call the shots more often, Mr President.
- Shh, he might hear you.
- Oh, who cares?! - I hate him.
- I feel your pain my love, - it's my pain also.
- Well then get rid of the TV and he's gone too.
Destroy my prince? He's not your prince, he's just some dead freako face who shows up on the TV screen once in a while.
I know, my perfect peach.
You are my prezzy wezzy - love stick.
- Oh love stick.
And I am your honey bunny who wants you naked.
So who cares about the stupid old key? I feel the same, believe me! Well then get rid of the TV and we're free.
Do it for me.
Do it for us.
Oh yes.
Oh yes.
I am the man now.
- You are the man now.
- I am the President.
- You are the President! - I'll do it, Bunnykins! This This very moment! You're the man.
You're the man.
- You can do it.
- Yes, I can do it.
Oh, baby.
Yes, yes! Yes! Mr President.
My prince.
Practicing our putting, were we? Yes, my prince.
I was hoping to p-p-p-practice my p-p-p-putt.
Really? I could have sworn you were thinking of getting rid of me.
No no no no my prince, never.
No, I wouldn't even dream of such a thing - lately.
It's so wonderful to see you.
I've missed you so.
All right, that's enough.
We have work to do, - the three of us.
- Yes of course, my prince.
NASA and the military have spotted a fast moving vehicle approaching the Earth from the direction of the moon.
This is of course one of the Lexx's moths.
Now I want you to contact the obnoxious robot head on the Lexx's bridge and find out who is left on board.
Certainly, my prince.
- Now! - Yes my prince.
Hello crew of the Lexx.
This is the President.
How are you? Any of you that might be left on the ship? Not that it matters, but I just called to say hi, and, umm - hi there.
Umm - is anyone home? Gone.
All gone.
Robot head, is that you? Kai gone, love gone.
???????????????? The robot head says they are all gone.
Now Bunny, you do still have the key, don't you? Yeah, I think so.
You think so? I mean, sure.
Of course she does, my prince.
Can you confirm that you have not engaged in hanky panky that might have brought the first lady to the very edge of sexual ecstasy, and so released the key? My prince, we have both suffered through a long and difficult period of celibacy, our only concern being to protect the key.
There has been absolutely no hanky panky.
Yeah, not even a spanky.
How awful.
- Now start packing - What? Yes, you heard me! Start packing.
Number 327 - no.
Number 411 - no.
Dr Longbore - it's the moth, from the Lexx.
Mr President, what are you doing? Going on vacation, a long one.
Where? That's top secret, and I may not come back.
Not coming back? But sir, you can't just abandon the whole nation.
- There are so many urgent issues.
- You can have that.
Urgent to you, not to me.
I cannot in conscience let you leave without dealing with the more - important ones at least.
- Sorry, we have to go.
The Chinese at least.
The Chinese, ah so.
Their country is very crowded, no? Tell them they can have Wyoming - as a goodwill gesture.
- The Arabs - Oo, yes.
Them again.
Sell Alaska back to them for whatever we originally paid for it.
Four hundred thousand dollars? But sir, we we didn't buy Alaska from the Arabs, we bought it from the Russians, sir.
Then sell it back to the Russians, and tell them to deal with the Arabs.
And now I have to go.
Mr President, is there nothing you would like to say to the country before you depart? Oo yes, of course.
Some inspiration for the people, as it were.
Oh, I'd just like to say so long to all the friends I've ever had in my whole life - especially Xena, and Kate, and the whole high school aerobics team - go Pikers! And my mom and my dad and sister Hobby of course.
And my goldfish Bloopy and my other goldfish Blop - in heaven now.
And my nanny and my poppy and my aunt Gigi and my uncle Merrill, and of course I can't forget my favorite blanket, you know, Mr Fuzzy, because he's really been - I knew you'd come back! - Hello, Tina.
- Oh, friend of yours Kai? We're more than friends.
Welcome, welcome aboard.
I am so happy to have you as candidates to be on the Noah as it journeys to the distant stars.
Whoa, wait a second - we didn't come here to be candidates.
We came here to be passengers.
We all wanna be passengers, but Dr Longbore is sensitive to the issue of histocompatibility.
Hista - what? Histocompatibility.
As a natural matter of precaution, assuming that the whole human race is to be descended from us.
Come view our progress on the Noah.
Whoa! - Impressive.
- Isn't it? - Yes! - And thank you for helping us design it.
When will it be completed? We expect to be ready to launch within two months.
- Which reminds me - Xev? - Yes? Would you happen top have a piece of clothing, an old T-shirt or something perhaps, that I could borrow for a couple of hours? - Why? - It's for a little experiment I'm conducting for the trip - on allergies.
Sorry, I don't have any T-shirts.
Anything would do - a sock, an undergarment? I don't wear socks - or undergarments.
I wish we'd left this thing behind.
Bunnykins - Gone gone Oo, robot head, hello.
Are you really the only one on board? Gone He looks busted.
Good thing too, he's icky.
- What was that? - I've no idea, but I think I wet myself.
My prince, are you there? Are you transmitting? Perhaps he didn't make the trip.
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Quickly Bunny, the key.
Climb into the pedestal and use it.
Ah, yes.
Although not presently in the form that I prefer, still, finally, I have gained control of the Lexx - the most powerful weapon of destruction in the universe, so that now I, Prince, can get out there and destroy.
What are you not telling me? Nothing, my prince.
Well, neither of you are dead - although that could be arranged.
So that means that you did indulge in hanky panky sufficient to bring the First Lady to the edge of sexual ecstasy after all! - Correct? - No no no my prince, - I swear.
- Me too.
We did nothing.
Remember sweetie? There was that one little smooch we had before we left the Lexx the last time.
No we didn't, I don't remember.
13 ????4.
13 No no no Bunny - not now, we can't.
I mean, we shouldn't.
I mean - we have to be quick.
Oh Mr President! No Bunnykins! Oh, you useless idiots! Your suffering will know no bounds! However - at least you lost it here, which means that it is still on board, which means that it is now in one of the moth breeders, as they are the only humans left.
So, go out and start killing them - until you find the key.
- Again? My arms are still tired from the last lot I slaughtered.
Well, Bunny will help you, won't you Bunnykins? You are an aerobics instructor, remember? Huh? Don't look so glum, Bunnykins.
Killing these fellows can be quite enjoyable - well, if you get in the right frame of mind.
I don't wanna kill anything.
But it's our duty, my sweet jam jar - and you're lucky.
Last time, I had to strangle them by hand.
But this time - - What? - I'm prepared.
Now I just take aim at the nearest little blue head.
Nothing to it.
Oh no! The key! Get it! Get it Bunnykins.
Faster, Bunny, come on Bunnykins, come on! It went into him.
The key doesn't like me anymore! I want you to see this video of Dr Longbore I secretly recorded this afternoon.
Sit down.
It is time now.
I will share with you my plan.
My holy mission is to propagate a new and vastly improved humanity, a thousand times more vital than would be possible with mere chance breeding.
So my little chucks, please remove your undergarments and give them to Dougall.
He will return them once I have made the selection.
I think Dr Longbore is becoming more and more mentally unstable, to the point where I don't think he can be trusted.
- What do you mean? - He talks about histocompatability, but if that's true then there should be an equal number of male and female candidates.
Yet he never seems to show much interest in the boys' underwear.
At first, I thought he was just really interested in sniffing girls' panties, but - I think it's worse than that.
How? I don't think Dr Longbore is sincere about taking you along.
I suggest that you keep an eye on him.
A group of us are.
- And Kai? - Yes? While I'm keeping an eye on Dr Longbore, can I keep my thighs wrapped around you? Well, I had to ask.
It's not working! I'm trying, Mr President, I'm really trying, but we've killed a zillion of these poor little blue guys and we still don't have the key and I'm tired.
Why don't you try? You got it.
Mr President.
No no Bunnykins, you know we can't.
The key.
Finally! Now quickly Bunny, take command of the Lexx.
Hello, captain.
Umm, hi.
Goodbye, so long.
Good riddance.
Yes - - Bunny? - What? What do people think of me? They say you're - evil? Exactly! And so my going away present to the Earth should be consistent with my reputation.
Bunny - tell the Lexx to turn around and blow up the little blue planet.
What? It's OK Bunny, it's all for the better.
- How? - You're doing it all for the better, right my prince? No! It's all for the worse.
Now quick Bunny, blast the planet.
Do I have to? Oo, yes Bunnykins, I'm afraid it's just one of those difficult things that you have to do sometimes.
Lexx - umm - I want you to turn around - and - umm - turn around and - I can't! Would you like me to destroy the blue planet now? - Yes.
- Yes.
Oh, I can't! I mean, what about all my friends, and my aerobics class, and Mr Fuzzy - Convince her.
Just, just think of them all as moth breeders, Bunnykins - little blue gnomes, nothing more, easy to kill - mostly.
My mom is not a little blue gnome! I'm not so sure about that.
No, but you can do it Bunnykins.
The Earth is a Type 13 planet and it's doomed anyway.
By blowing it up you will be saving your mom and aerobics team.
and everyone else from a terrible future of misery and suffering.
You will be doing them all a big favour, and me an even bigger one.
You'll make me very, very, very, very, - very happy.
- I live to make you happy Mr President - but isn't this too much? Bunny, Bunnykins.
My Bunny boo boo, honey pot, love ladle.
My succulent squeezy squoo oogie poogie pogo pudding.
Pleasy weasy? You always know just how to convince me.
Lexx - I want you to blow up the Earth! Yes! Ask the Lexx what is wrong with him.
- Why? - Because the Earth is still there.
He only managed to destroy Ottawa.
What's Ottawa? A small-minded little backwater that until just now served as the capital of Canada.
- Well look! - What? This is the NASA feed - the one they use to keep watch on the Lexx.
Seems like the Lexx just blew up the city of Ottawa.
But the Lexx can't blow up anything - unless somebody orders it to.
- Exactly.
There's someone on the Lexx.
- What? - With the key.
Kai, we gotta get Kai.
Kai! Kai, we gotta get - Kai! - Kai, we gotta get back to the Lexx - right now.
- Kai! I wanted to blow up the planet but I couldn't because I am very hungry and very weak, captain, and not feeling well.
Well, why don't you eat something? I would like to eat something on that planet.
Then, I would feel better, and do exactly as you command, all the time.
Tell him he can eat the moon.
How about the moon, Lexx? - Would that do? - The moon is hard and rocky and not tasty.
I have wanted to eat Holland for a long time.
Holland is not hard and rocky, and is full of yummy protein.
May I eat Holland? Do we care about Holland, my prince? No, of course not! Tell him he can eat it, but he has to be quick about it.
Holland schmolland it is, butter button.
Aren't there people there? Of course! But they're Dutch.
They're used to suffering.
Holland's all yours, Lexx.
Oh goody.
A tasty Dutch treat.
We'll never catch up to it.
The Lexx is way faster than a moth.
Maybe not in its present condition.
It is not necessary for the moth to be able to travel faster than the Lexx, as the Lexx appears to be heading back towards the Earth.
What's the Lexx doing? The Lexx is eating Holland.
The Lexx is not travelling at speed but its velocity is still greater than the moth's.
We will not be able to catch up with it.
Who's on there, who's doing this?! Prince is dead, right? Kai, Mr Tweedle, Miss Xev - it's Tina.
If any of you are getting this please respond, please.
This is Kai.
What is it Tina? Oh good, you're there.
Listen Dr Longbore lied to you about the Noah.
Lied how? He told you that the ship was 75% complete.
He tells everyone that.
But I think it's more like 99% ready.
Sounds like good news to me.
No! That's what he tells people like us, who've been with him from the very beginning.
People who he promised could come.
That's what he tells people he plans to leave behind - including you! Kai, I was right.
- Are you certain of this, Tina? - Yes.
And me and some others are starting to feel afraid.
We're very careful, but I'm beginning to think he's not planning to take us at all! He's just gonna leave us behind - - What is it? - Oh, no! - Oh.
nooo! - What's happening? Tina? Tina! Gee - that little bug looks just like you, Lexx.
Lexx! I've got a new friend.
That's nice, Lexx.
I'm gonna kill Dr Longbore with my bare hands.
- After I do.
- No - after I kill him.
Listen, do we have any chance at all of catching up with the Lexx? No.
I won.
I always do - in the end.
You are a genius in a box, my prince.
And out of a box? You are of course a genius as well.
One last job to finish before we leave.
Bunny, tell the Lexx to turn around and blow up the planet.
- We already tried that.
- Yes, Yes, we have.
But now the Lexx is back at full strength, so let's try it again.
Lexx, are you back at full strength? Almost, captain.
- Excellent.
- I can now blow up whatever planet you want.
Are you sure? It's a type 13 planet, Bunnykins.
Lexx - turn around.
As you command, captain.
Look! The Lexx appears to be slowing.
Do you really really really want me to? I really really really really really really really want you to Bunnykins.
Goodbye, you ridiculous planet.
And a special farewell to Kai and Stanley and Xev.
Thanks for the memories.
Toodle-oo! Lexx - I want you to - blow up - the - Bunny, stop - or the President loses his head.
Bunny, tell them the name of the planet you were about to destroy.
I am very ready to blow up the blue planet.
May I do that now, captain? No planet.
Lexx, I command you to blow up no planet! As you command, captain.
Kai! You came back! Oh, heaven on a stick, I live and love again! Kai, it's so - special, to see you.
You too, Stanley.
And of course you, Xev.
Oh, save it! You just tried to kill us, once again, us and everyone else on this planet.
I know! I'm evil, - what do you expect? - Kai - turn him off.
Sorry Stanley - I'm not even plugged in.
It appears that I am the ghost in the machine.
Well, then we'll just get rid of the machine.
Good idea.
- As for you - - No no no no no.
please Isambard made us do it.
Bunnykins and I were merely dupes in his terrible plan.
We are good people, forced to do horrible things.
No! You're horrible people, forced to do horrible things - well, just forget about that for now.
Right now - let's get the key back where it belongs right here.
- How? - She will release the key at the point of death.
You're not gonna kill me?! Are you? Oh no.
No! I've got a much better idea.
Must I watch? Yes, you must.
But it's humiliating.
That's the point.
Oo, now Bunnykins - time for some funnykins.
Come on now - put a little effort into it.
Is she always this frigid? I'm trying, it's just that I keep thinking I'm gonna be sick.
Yeah, well we can get the key out of you the other way you know.
Stan, how's it going? Well, Bunny's holding out on me, that's how it's going.
I'm trying! Yeah, well she's resisting all my charms.
What charms are those, Stan? - Ha! - It's not my fault if I don't feel tingly.
Only the President makes me feel tingly.
That is ridiculous - I'm the tingle king! Thank you for your efforts, but now I think it's time for me to offer my humble services to extract the key.
Bunny will quickly reach the peak of sexual ecstasy - and the key will be yours.
- Oh, no no no no no no.
You are evil and we're not giving you any satisfaction.
- But if you want the key - - Forget it! Let me try.
- What? - What? What? I felt a tingle when we played truth or dare, and Stan dared us to kiss - didn't you? Yeah, maybe a little bit anyway.
Goodbye fellas.
I gotta go in there! I gotta go back in there.
- I'm with you.
- No you're not.
Evil man! Yes! Yes! Can we do that again? I'm very disappointed.
And you two - you should be very very grateful that we're letting you go.
Now just get into your space shuttle and go back to that stupid planet before we change our mind.
Well go! Bunnykins, please answer one question - you haven't gone over to the other team, have you? Let's just say, I'm a complicated woman Mr President - really a lot.
And you - You are coming with me.
Really? And where are you taking me? Out in a moth, to the moon, where I will crash you at high velocity onto its airless service.
And you think then that you will be rid of me, do you? - Yes! - Yes! I must say, I object to this treatment.
Lexx - who's the man? I mean, who, is the man?! You are, Stan, Stan - and only Stan.
- and only Stan.
Ñóáòèòðû: Bankolya Mikl, Bars (ñèíõðîíèçàöèÿ è êîððåêòèðîâêà)