Lexx s04e22 Episode Script


Bye, bye, Earth.
I won't miss it.
Robot head I want you to find us a new planet in this universe, a good planet - and by that I mean a good planet for me and Xev to live on, not a good planet for you to get us horribly killed on.
Understand? Not a word.
Well, Kai does, and Kai is gonna demand that you start scanning.
Right Kai? Anything for you, my decarbonised dreamdoll.
Do you think Lyekka will keep her word and only eat Japan? Absolutely.
Lyekka always keeps her word, to me anyway.
See, she - whoa! - What is that? - Beats me.
And me.
Seems alive somehow.
- Yes.
- Well, what Kai, kill it! Anybody home? Hello? It's attacking us! Kai, do something! Lyekka? Greetings, noble crew of the Lexx, from myself and all my sisters.
We are so happy to have made peace with you so we can eat lots of yummy things on Earth.
We like you, and we salute you, and because we like you we have left these beautiful presents for you.
Please, accept them, and enjoy them.
Brave captain Stanley H.
Tweedle, fearless Xev of B3K, to each of you we offer a single Gelassa berry - the rarest and most exquisite delicacy in the entire known universe.
They are so tasty, words cannot describe them.
We hope you enjoy them.
And for you Kai, we offer our highest tribute - a living Yowratang plant.
Sing for it, and the blossom will open - but only if it likes your voice.
Friends, these are our offerings.
Enjoy them, and think of us, as we will always think of you.
We wish you well on your journey to the stars.
Peace, and goodwill.
Now that was classy, huh? Lyekka, she's just the best, isn't ? What do you make of these things? I don't know.
I'm not really sure if it's a good idea to eat it - it could be something poisonous.
Oh, come on Xev, I trust Lyekka.
Well you first.
Don't be so suspicious.
Kai, are you afraid of these plants? No.
Huh? If these things are half as good as Lyekka says they are, then they gotta be way better than Lexx's nostril spew, - you know what I mean? - OK, eat it than.
- Well, why don't we both go together? - No way.
Captains first.
Captains first? Well, OK.
Stan? Are you OK? Oh, that's good.
No - that's, that's good! Oh! Good.
Well, I'm still going to wait to try mine, just to be sure.
And you should wait too before eating anymore Stan, hmm? Yeah, yeah, you're right yeah, you're right, I should wait, yeah, that's long enough.
I will retire to cryostasis while the Lexx seeks out a new planet.
Wake me if you need me.
- Sure.
- That's good, that is so good! - Are you gonna ? - Yeah.
Just to be sure.
So, I see you still haven't eaten your Gelassa berries.
Why? Well, see my berry was er phew it's OK at first, but after that it really didn't do too much for me at all, so - I thought, that if you're not gonna eat yours maybe I should eat both, 'n see if that makes a difference.
I didn't say I was not going to eat my Gelassa berry, I just said I wanted to wait and see what happened to you before I did.
Nothing happened! So come on Xev, give it to me.
Look, you're not gonna eat it, not now, not later, so just, just wanna spoil, so, so come on, hand it over.
- Not fair.
- Wow.
Good, isn't it, huh? Yeah, see? Hey robot head, how long till we reach that first planet? How long until you impale ourself on a pike? I had to ask.
I thought you said, and I quote, it is a life bearing planet?! - It was.
It just isn't anymore.
- What happened? I'm not sure, but I would calculate that all life on the entire surface of the planet - has been eaten clean away.
- Lyekka and her sisters.
- Very possibly.
- Well that is not so good.
Now look Xev, we don't know for sure that it was Lyekka and her sisters.
And besides, even if it was, this happened long before we worked things out with them.
And it's in their nature to eat planets, what else do you expect? Exactly.
Let's just move on to the next planet.
It is called Criddock 14.
It was highly advanced, certainly by Earth standards, and densely populated with some 23 billion people.
We should talk to Kai.
- No way! Stay off my turf, bitch! - Yeah, maybe we should.
Tell him I miss him.
If this should be our final stand.
We will stand together with pride.
We will honour the past.
And fight to the last.
It will be a good way to die.
- Kai, you're awake.
- Yes, I am.
- Is there a problem? - There is.
We've been to several planets now and each one we've come to has been all eaten up.
All life on them gone.
- We think Lyekka must have done it.
- Where are we now? We're just leaving the planet Criddock 14.
790 said there used to be - billions of people on it.
- And now there's none.
- They must have died horribly.
- Yeah.
Really horribly.
Eaten alive! What a way to go, ha, ha! Poor bastards! Yum, yum.
Are you two all right? Better than those people, that's for sure.
That's OK, Xev, see we still got time to die a worse death than them, I mean we've come close a million times.
- No, a million and one! - A million and one! Who's counting? I have never seen the two of you behave in this way.
Well now that you have, you're not gonna live to tell about it - 'cause you're already dead, get it? Corpse man! - Stanley, Stanley, Stanley.
- What, what, what, what? - I think it's those berries.
- What.
They must be affecting our mood.
- Shh! - I think you're right.
All right.
What what do we do about our latest desperate situation? Perhaps you should concentrate on pleasant matters until the effect passes.
Like what? Like singing to my Yowratang plant, to see if it will open for you.
Hey, OK, OK, that's a great idea, I'll sing.
Stanley Tweedle is a god.
A warrior and a gent.
Shh! We are not fit to suck his feet.
On dine on his excrement.
All night we croon.
By the light Wake up! Come on, come on, my turn, my turn.
I'm a Cluster lizard, and you smell so damn good.
- Stanley, Stanley.
- Allow me.
Huh? What? This moment will live on through time.
If anyone ever asks why.
The Brunnen G did not fall on their knees.
You will know, they found a good way to die.
- That was really special.
- Yeah.
I love you guys.
- I - Oh, Stan.
I'm sorry, sorry, it's corny, I know, you know, but I mean, you know, we've just been through so much together and, you know, right now, I just really care about you guys.
Hey, no, no, it's not corny at all.
You know, I feel the same way.
- Me too.
- Huh? Though I am dead and do not feel as such, I am not without an appreciation of our kinship.
There is indeed a strong bond between us.
I was thinking that maybe the time has come for us to develop a special relationship.
Well hey, I'm all for that, when do we start? Maybe sooner than you think.
If Prince should ever fulfil his promise to make me once again truly alive, I can envision that the thought of making love with you, Xev, might actually become appealling.
You are very different tonight.
I'm suddenly really tired.
Yeah, me too.
As the next life bearing planet will not be reached for some time, I will return to cryostasis.
Goodnight to you both.
- Night Kai.
- Night Kai.
Night Stanley.
Aw, Xev, you know I'd like to say goodnight to you too but but I really wanna stay.
Oh, Stan, it's been such a perfect day.
Exactly, exactly, exactly! And you and me and the bed makes three, it'd be the perfect end to it, see, we've opened up so much to each other - so let's just stay open - even if it's just for tonight.
Yes, Stan.
Please, make love to me now.
Kiss me.
Are you OK, Stan? Oh, my guts.
Are you OK? Oh, it's just this is bad.
Did you do something to me? What? No, what are you talking about? Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.
Oh! I better go down lie on my own bed.
It was a great day, Xev.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Who's there? Hello, Xev.
Who is this? Come to the cryochamber, Xev.
Come to the cryochamber, Xev.
You won't be disappointed.
Hello? Hello? Prince.
Hello, Xev.
What are you doing in here? Are you alive again? Not as I was, hopefully not as I will be, but I am making progress.
I'm here to fulfil my agreement with Kai, to bring him back to life again, should he defeat me in the game of chess.
- Oh, yeah, right.
- Yes, really.
You're alive.
- Wake up! Wake up! - What's going on? Stan, relax, relax.
I have wonderful news.
Oh, yeah? Kai is alive.
- What? - Really alive, look! Prince did it, yeah, he transformed him.
Wow, that's great! Did you say Prince, is he still here? Aw, no, he vanished, but he made Kai come alive just like he said he would.
Wow, wow.
Came through on his promise, huh? Who woulda thought, huh? Well Kai, what can I say? Welcome to the land of the living.
I'm very glad to be here, Stanley.
We all think that.
Come on, get up! We have to celebrate this.
Xev, I'd love to but I can't.
My stomach is still really tender here.
- Oh, come on.
- I can't! Well, suit yourself then.
I'm sorry about that, Kai.
We'll pick up on the whoopee later on, OK? Oh, I understand, Stanley.
We've got plenty of time.
Are you kidding? We couldn't do that.
Sure we could.
We can do anything we want now.
But - aren't you forgetting somebody? Not at all.
Some things aren't meant to be shared with too many people.
Well, aren't you just the smart one? Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi, Stan.
Feeling better? No, actually I was just on my way to the toilet to see if I can throw up.
- Oh, poor Stan.
- Sorry to hear it.
So, what were you guys talking about? Everything.
- Nothing really.
- Nothing.
That it gotta heard you planning something.
Not us.
We're just all still sort of in shock that Kai's alive again.
Hmm, yeah, is big news, yeah.
Things are gonna be different now Stanley - all in good ways.
Yeah, yeah, I'm sure they will.
Oh! Oh, I I I gotta go.
- Take care.
- Take care.
Sore tummy, Stanley? Well, yes, actually.
Huh! - Prince, what are you doing here? - I'm not really here Stanley.
I'm a a reflection.
- Whatever.
What do you want? - I'm here to warn you, Stanley.
I didn't know you cared.
Warn me about what? About your crew.
Xev, specifically.
When I brought Kai back to life I noticed an immediate change in her.
Oh no, don't get me wrong, she's happy with this new development, although I sense rather less so with the new status quo, - if you know what I mean.
- No, I don't know what you mean.
I believe, that she's beginning to think that three is a crowd.
And that means she may have something in store for you, which is rather less than pleasant.
That's ridiculous.
Why should Xev turn on me just because Kai is suddenly breathing? Sometimes people act on reason.
Sometimes people act on impulse.
Sometimes impulse comes from a very dark place.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Prince, you're evil and you're slippery and I'm not listening to you.
Just, just beat it, will ya, I've got some puking to do.
Very well, Stanley.
I can see that you're secure in your relationship with Xev, so there's no problem.
And that means that she has no designs on you - such as procuring the key to the Lexx, for herself.
Look, just, just beat it, will ya?! Did you see the look on his face? I try not to look at his face.
You're so cruel.
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
He lives in a continuum.
He does not anticipate the future or contemplate the past.
He'll never see you coming - - but I'll see you coming.
- How about right now? I think that can be arranged.
Oh, Kai.
Yeah, right.
You are so beautiful.
I have been waiting for this for thousands of years.
Me too.
What's wrong? I'm sorry, it's just Just what? - Am I doing anything wrong? - Oh no, Xev, of course not.
You're amazing, it's just I don't know.
I think my transformation left me exhausted.
I need to rest before we can do this properly.
I understand.
Just lay down and close your eyes, and take all the time you need.
Thank you, but I think I need to sleep alone.
But ! I'll be back and I'll be ready.
You! - What are you doing here, get out! - I didn't mean to disturb you, Xev.
I merely wanted to know if you were happy now that Kai has real blood coursing through his flesh.
Of course I'm happy but I'll be happier still when your flesh is truly dead and gone.
You two have a great future together provided of course there's no interference.
- Interference? - Stanley.
How will he take this new dynamic? What do you mean by that? What do you mean by that? Well, she couldn't have been too happy about that.
Not happy at all.
Still, it's a good policy to keep her off balance.
It worked for me - or rather, should I say it works for us.
Hem, seeing as how you put it that way.
Stan? Kai? - Where is Kai? - I don't know, you tell me.
I heard you two talking just now.
What?! I haven't seen Kai for hours.
And my guts started acting up again, so I was just on my way to the toilet again - alone! I heard you.
Kai was with you and you were talking - about me! Kai wasn't with me.
We weren't talking about you.
Anyway, it seems to me that you're the one who's spending a lot of time with him lately, - a lot of very private time! - What are you saying? What I'm saying, is that I heard the two of you talking about me, - and I know exactly what you're up to.
- Talking about you when? Earlier! In the gallery, and then in your bed! Ha! You have a very powerful imagination, Stan.
Oh, do I? Well I just happened to run into somebody who told me exactly what you're after, namely the key to the Lexx.
Oh really, and who was that? - Somebody.
- Somebody.
Somebody named Prince? - Maybe, maybe not.
- Oh, yeah.
- And you trusted him? - Yeah, about as much as I trust you.
Oh, thank you! No.
No, I don't trust Prince.
No, that'd be a mistake, that'd be a really big mistake.
I agree.
- So, Kai wasn't with you? - No.
We're hearing things.
There you are.
Not sleeping? No.
I couldn't.
I was just in the shower a few minutes ago, and I thought I heard you and Stan talking outside in the passageway.
- We were.
- You were? But then why did Stan lie about it? Did he? Strange.
I can't imagine why.
What did you talk about? Nothing important.
Why do you ask? I just never mind.
I can deal with that later.
You said you weren't sleepy - and neither am I.
- No, Xev.
I'm still not ready.
- But ! I need a little more time.
We've waited three thousand years already.
I know! But I need to think some things through.
What things? I'll be along soon.
I promise.
I don't understand.
Oh, I'm glad that's over with.
Xev? What are you doing? Xev? Xev, if you think you're being amusing, you're not! Just cut it out! There you are.
OK, where's Xev? I have no idea where the love slut is, and I don't care.
- I wasn't talking to you! - Then who? Well, who do you think?! Look, so where is she? I mean, she was rolling behind me like a Cluster lizard, trying to scare me.
That is certainly odd behaviour.
That Cluster lizards are unpredictable carnivores after all.
I hope this doesn't imply that she's becoming dangerous.
Well, yeah, you and me both pal.
Stanley, I know you've always been a retard but you're outdoing yourself this time.
I'll have a look for her myself.
Yeah, well if you find her before I do you tell her that Stanley H.
Tweedle - is not amused! - You! You! What do you mean by trying to scare me? Don't be stupid.
Why did you lie to me? Wha, lie ? Lie to you about what? About talking to Kai outside the shower.
I was not talking to Kai outside the shower - and why were you rolling by me like a Cluster lizard, trying to scare me and then laughing about it? What are you talking about? Oh, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
I don't know what you're up to, Stanley Tweedle but you will not get away with it, you hear me? Well, I'm not the one who's up to something.
I don't know what you've suddenly got against me, Xev, but whatever it is I am not gonna let you push me around.
But I am going to push you around, in fact maybe I should push you right off the bridge! Grand idea.
Oh, shut up, robot head.
I get my eye on you.
Yeah? - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah, exactly! Oh! OK, not again.
Oh, what's happening to me? Maybe Xev poisoned you Stanley.
Oh, you're nuts, - you're a bucket.
- The way you two are fighting? The way she's been plotting against you? You're completely nuts.
Xev, pretty Xev.
Xev is gonna die.
Torn open, ripped apart! See the blood flow, the life drain out, Xev will die, die, die! - It won't work.
- What, what?! Coming into my room, whispering about me being dead.
Don't do it Stan.
I didn't do anything.
I wasn't in your room! Yes, you were.
And next time I'm going to kill you, understand? I will kill you! Is she crazy? He's jealous.
That's why he's behaving so strangely.
Stan feels threatened now that I am alive.
He knows he'll never have you, and I fear he may try to harm you because of it.
So, Prince was telling the truth for once.
Well then, I should harm him first - or maybe you should.
- If it comes to that, I will.
- Good.
Oh, don't go.
Don't you think it's time to give him something to be jealous about? Almost, but not quite.
Two can play the game of murder, the game of violent death.
Two can play, Stanley - but only one can win! The other dies.
The other dies.
Stan dies! Ah! She bit me.
That stupid she bit me! That is it.
Stupid Cluster lizard.
You bit me.
Wake up and tell me why you bit me.
She's toying with you.
I suspect it may be the sadistic side of her lizard nature coming to the fore.
Something in her changed when I came back to life.
She became possessive, fiercely so.
It's twisting her.
I fear she wants to get rid of you and steal the key.
So, Prince was right, that is what she's trying to do.
We not gonna let that happen, are ya Kai? Not if I can stop her Stanley, but she has unnatural strength, and I no longer do.
OK, just, just stick with me, OK, Kai? Protect me.
Sure, Stanley.
I will.
Kai? Robot.
- Security guard.
- Was Xev here? As a matter of fact, she was.
She was here a few minutes ago, looking for a weapon.
- She was, why? - I don't know.
- You're just yanking my chain.
- If you say so.
Xev? Xev? Xev! Xev, are you in here? Oh, excellent - just when I was getting really hungry.
-I wouldn't do that if I were you.
- Huh?! Who said that? I did.
She poisoned it, just like she did to your berry earlier.
Why do you think your guts are going so crazy? Crazy, you want crazy? You're a nozzle.
So are you.
Can't you see what she's doing here? She's trying to kill you, idiot.
Oh, yeah? When did Xev ever have a chance to poison my berry, huh? When you weren't looking, dummy.
Listen pal, it's crunch time.
The bitch has your number Stan, and it's the number dead! Now, are you going to do something about it? You're just a nozzle, why should I listen to you? Because I'm the one who can show you what your future looks like if you don't! - 790, have you seen Stan? - I have.
He was here until a few minutes ago, looking for a weapon.
- He was? Why? - I don't know.
Kai, what happened? Stan did this to me - stabbed me and ran off.
He's completely mad.
- Let me help you.
- No, no, no, I'll I'll be OK, but you have to protect yourself.
Go and find some weapons.
Where? I don't know! Find some! All right.
Kill her, Stan - for me.
Oh, Lexx.
Lexx, old buddy.
I'm glad to know you're on my side.
I have always been on your side, Stan.
I always will.
It's me and you, Stan - you and me.
Don't let the love slave cow steal the key.
Kill her.
Chop her up into little pieces.
Yes, I intend to do just that! Oh, yes.
How? Why don't you use that little axe over there? Good idea, Lexx, old pal.
Come on, love slave.
I'm ready for you, - are you ready for me? - You better believe it.
The bigger the head the better.
You can't scare me.
- Join the party, Stanley! - Time for you to get wet! Gotcha! We'd ask you to join us, but tonight's not amateur night.
I like to bed people who know what they're doing - not like you.
You don't have a clue how to please a man! Stick around, you might learn something! Where is she? Lying in wait.
She came by and said she had laid a trap for you that you're sure to fall into.
She was foaming at the mouth, talking in lurid detail about how she's going to kill you - slowly, torturously.
Oh, yeah? Die, you pathetic excuse for a captain! Find me and kill me if you can.
This hunt is nearly over.
Soon I'll be cutting you up like the pig you are.
Well, I've got two words for you space lizard - good luck! Because I'm gonna find you Xev, and I am gonna kill you, oh yes - and I'm gonna take my time, and I'm gonna really, really enjoy it, and every time you scream I'm gonna laugh! Yeah, I'm gonna win, you hear that? Captain Stan is going to win! Stanley! Over here, Xev went this way, quickly.
Hello, Xev.
No, Kai, get away from her.
I can't.
- She's such a marvellous dancer.
- What? No, this is a set-up.
Actually, it's a pas de deux.
Compliments of Stan.
Kai! I'd say that definitely calls for revenge.
- Where is he? - Lying in wait.
He came by and said that he had laid a trap for you that you're sure to fall into.
He was foaming at the mouth, talking in lurid detail about how he was going to kill you - slowly, torturously.
- Oh, yeah? - Ah, there you are.
- Stan, what are you doing? - Practising.
You know, murder up close and personal is really easy once you get used to it.
- Can't wait to try it out on you.
- Oh, yeah? Hang onto that dream, because it's going to become a nightmare once I find you.
I'm far better at killing than you are, you know that.
Besides, only one of us is going to come out of this alive Stan, and that one is me! I will feel good watching the life drain out of your eyes.
Well then, let's get started.
Are you ready to die? Are you? Well, one of us is gonna die, that's for sure.
- I agree.
- Huh, come on already! - Stop chattering and start chopping! - There's no way - I'm gonna let you take the key from me.
- I don't want it! I'm killing you because you're jealous and out of control.
Jealous and out of control? Oh, no, no, I'm just getting you before you get me.
No, you aren't, because that's what I'm doing.
Don't give me that! You're the attacker here.
You bit me, you tried to poison me - I'm the victim, you know? At least, that was your plan.
You're crazy! You've been trying to kill me ever since - - ever since Kai came back to life.
- You liar! I've been on to your schemes from the beginning.
Your sick schemes! Cut the conversation, cut some throats! You started this, and I have to finish it! Oh, no, no, you started it.
- You! - You! Whoa, we can't both have started it, right? Stan, do you think maybe something something is affecting us? Or someone? - Wha wha what do you mean, who? - I don't know.
Something doesn't feel right here.
- Maybe it's those berries.
- Well, I don't I don't know.
What simpering cack is this? It's slaughter time! Maybe we should start putting our weapons down, just for a minute, huh? I don't know - Just to see how it feels? - Huh.
Together? Huh? - Feel good so far.
- So far so good.
- Bit calmer.
- Yeah, me too.
Don't do it, it's a ploy.
He'll kill you.
Don't do it, it's a ploy.
She'll kill you.
- Oh, nice try! - Oh, nice try! Now we're talking.
Die, you you you double crossing whore! Die, you lying creep! Stop! What do you mean, stop? You just told me to kill him.
I did no such thing.
Yes you did, just now on the bridge.
I have been in my cryopod since Stan ate Lyekka's berry.
What? Well, I I don't know what kind of deal you made to get Kai on your side, Tweedle, but I can see right through it.
You die now! Thanks, Kai.
Now I'm gonna kill her, like you told me to.
I did not tell you to kill Xev.
- Yes, you did.
- I did not.
No? No.
You're both clean.
The Gelassa berries were not what they seemed, just as the Yowratang plant left for me was misrepresented.
How did it get in there? Well looks like it grew in there.
Its roots have penetrated the cryopod control unit and destroyed many of its functions.
Whoa, can you fix it, will you be able to freeze yourself? No.
None of us will.
You, you ! along! Why didn't you try to stop us? Yeah, instead of egging us on, huh?! - You really have to ask? - Ah, shut up.
Clearly it was Lyekka's intention to eliminate us by having us destroy each other.
Which means she lied to us and she's probably gonna eat the whole Earth and not just Japan.
Oh, Lyekka, Lyekka, Lyekka.
Which means we have to go back there.
Whoa, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Forget about Earth.
We are gonna find a new planet - and I don't care how long it takes.
You can do that, but it will be without me.
- Why? - If I cannot be frozen, I can only remain animated until I am out of protoblood, which will not be long.
- How long? - How long? Days.
Or a few weeks at best.
Shut up! found on The Memory Catacombs