Life & Beth (2022) s01e07 Episode Script


1 - Beth! - BETH: Yeah! - This is - BETH: Hi.
- DR.
B: Good to see you! - Great to see you.
I-I wanted to just come by and tell you that I'm moving out of Manhattan today, so I won't be coming by anymore.
Oh, well, it's good to see you.
I wanted to really thank you because I'm I'm feeling a lot better.
- That's wonderful.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
One more thing.
- Can I have a hug? - [DR.
Just, um, I don't have any parents right now, and I just, you know if it's okay.
Just, like, a-a quick hug to celebrate how well I'm doing.
Sure, sure.
I'm just gonna have to ask Kathleen to come in and observe.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
- DR.
B: Okay.
Kathleen! - Yeah, of course.
She's coming.
- Yeah, yeah.
- She's Okay, Beth? Yes.
Yeah, I thought I was done.
I thought you needed a-a second.
YELLOWMAN: Zungguzungguguzungguzeng Zungguzungguguzungguzeng What you doing? I'm making a mixtape for Liz.
Can I have a mixtape? Sure.
Didn't you do that yesterday? Yeah, but I need to grow tall if I'm gonna be a volleyball player.
Oh, really? You're gonna be a volleyball player? Will you help me mark it? Write the date next to it too, please.
YOUNG ANN: Make sure you get the top of my head, will you? Okay, I will.
Okay, you ready? ANN: We're fully moving you out? - Yeah.
- Good for you.
You'll feel so much better.
- Yeah.
- I did.
I didn't know you lived with someone.
Okay, well, I did and it didn't end well.
Oh, okay.
Well, I mean, I wanna hear everything.
All right, I had my heart broken.
Well, that's come on, that's all for today.
Okay, well, thank you for sharing that with me, okay? And I just wanna say I'm happy you aren't someone else.
- Okay? - Relax, you relax I'm sorry.
Matt's not here, right? - No.
- Cool.
I do not wanna see him.
- Yeah.
- But how is he? No, he's great.
He's, like, breaking all sorts of records at work.
ANN: Wow.
Turns out without me holding you back, you can be limitless.
Murray is calling me.
Hello? Is that my body? Sort of.
Um, yeah.
I can't think of anything to say right now.
Naples, right.
Okay, thanks.
All right.
I got that promotion.
You seem psyched.
It's more money.
ANN: Well, let's get Matt back here for some champagne.
BETH: Yeah.
Yeah, but it would be good to move on, right? - Okay.
- What the fuck? [INQUISITIVE MUSIC.]
That's really weird.
ANN: I mean, is he moving or ? I didn't know he was moving.
ANN: The bathroom is disgusting.
BETH: Everything is gone.
ANN: Is this your stuff? BETH: Um, it looks like it.
I think this is my Yeah, this is my stuff.
What the fuck? ANN: That's weird.
Did he say anything? BETH: He texted me something.
He said, "Leave your key on the counter.
" - That's it.
- ANN: Okay.
Well, I'm gonna get started 'cause I forgot to record "Judge Judy.
" - Popcorn.
- ANN: Yum.
YOUNG LEONARD: Get in, Izzy.
Don't you fight it.
- Dad! Dad! - What? - No! No! - What? YOUNG BETH: Dad, that's terrible.
What, she's not microwavable? [BETH SIGHS.]
Remember when Dad used to pretend to put our poodle in the microwave? Izzy? Really? Yeah, he'd, like, hear us coming, and he'd, like, pretend like he didn't, you know? ANN: Um, no.
He'd act like we caught him, like, "Oh, sorry," you know? Oh, God.
Such a charming man.
This is the longest it's been since we've heard from Dad, you know that, right? ANN: Yeah, well, if he cared, he'd keep in regular touch, but he doesn't, so.
What if we went by the park, his regular spot? It's nice out.
We haven't checked it in a while, right? Make sure he might he might need some help.
- Of course, he needs help.
Come on, they all need help.
I told you I was getting off.
I don't have to pull the stupid thing if I said, "Getting off.
" That's what it means.
Hope you drive better than you listen.
Come on, sweetheart.
- You guys look so good.
- YOUNG ANN: Hi, Daddy.
YOUNG LEONARD: How are you? Listen, uh, Mom's gonna let me come home soon, okay? So don't worry about that.
Where's your car? I got sideswiped by this dog-bone, this idiot when I was pulling out.
But the bus is good the bus is good if, uh, if you like weird smells.
Eww! YOUNG LEONARD: How's your leg? You, uh, you out for the season? YOUNG BETH: Uh, no, I have a couple more games, but, uh, 41 stitches.
YOUNG ANN: In three layers.
YOUNG LEONARD: 41 stitches in three layers? That's disgusting.
It's between these two, but I like the green one better.
- This one? - YOUNG BETH: Mm-hmm.
- You like this one? - YOUNG BETH: Yeah.
YOUNG LEONARD: Sure there's, um, no other, uh, places in the mall you wanna shop at? It's a tough decision.
I mean, one's got stripes, and the other one's got polka dots, it's, uh You know, I'm kind of hungry actually.
I think we should just not shop now.
Let's just shop later.
No, because we we could just if you wanna get it, we should get it now.
It's up to you, or you can do whatever you want.
It's I mean, no one's really asked me yet, so let's just go go eat, yeah.
Yeah, we'll go eat.
YOUNG BETH: Yeah, let's get some food.
You know, I had, uh, one of my shops over there on the other side.
It was a good one also.
Yeah, we know.
You had a ponopoly on baby furniture from Italy then those bastards started selling it too.
That's right, I had a ponopoly.
And I went over there to Italy, made them give me an exclusive.
If I still had that shop, your mother would be begging to speak to me.
BETH: Thank you so much for doing this with me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, I wanna be there for you, too, right? - ANN: Yeah.
- Is that Matt? Yeah.
- Okay, where's he going? There's nothing over there.
- It's a fucking cart.
- ANN: What's he wearing? I mean, it looks like Coachella.
BETH: Okay, he doesn't look good.
ANN: Let's go.
No, no.
Will you take my stuff home? I'm-I'm gonna grab it later, okay? You know, this is fucked up.
I came here to help you, and you're ditching me with all your shit.
We were together for ten years, okay? Six.
I need to make sure he's okay.
Matt! MATT: Beth.
BETH: What are you doing? Hey, girl.
It's been a minute.
What are you doing here? What's going on? MATT: This is funny story, it's a funny story.
Remember Kenny? Kenny club soda Kenny from Fort Greene? No.
Anyway, uh, we-we-we had a bet on a fight which I lost.
We were both drunk.
Uh, it was a weird bet.
Anyway, you-you-you look good, girl.
It's good to see you, girl.
Hey, come on.
Stop calling me girl.
Wh why is our apartment so empty? I'm just revamping stuff, you know? Couple leather couches, couple swords.
Our comforter that you're stealing is right on top.
Okay, you don't look good.
What's really happening? All right, all right, fine.
I'm, uh, I've been coming up a little short.
Murray said you're breaking every record at work.
You know, uh, I'm doing what I gotta do to stay on top, so, uh, so I'm buying a little bit of my wine back from my customers just to make my numbers.
Wait, you're buying your your own inventory, you're saying? You don't think I know it's bad? BETH: For how long? For a while now.
My cards are all maxed out.
I'm-I'm scared I may have broken the law.
Well, fuck.
Did I break the law? MATT: Exactly.
I don't know what I should do.
Well, okay, so so you haven't paid our rent in how long? - Ten months.
- What the fuck? The-the my name is on the lease.
What did you do with the money I chipped in? I spent it.
- What the f what? - MATT: Okay, you Your name isn't even on the lease anymore, Matt! You know what that means? I owe that money! You have every right to be mad.
I know I have every right to be mad, you fucking psychopath! God, that's I have no money, I have no savings Yeah, I know it sucks, right? It sucks.
I don't have any money either.
BETH: Oh, my God, I could fucking kill you! - MATT: Well, guess what? - BETH: What's wrong with you? - I could kill you with my bag.
- MATT: Guess what? I've been at this a while, and you didn't even notice, you're so checked out.
- Okay, so this is my fault? - Yes.
- This is on me? - Yes.
It makes a lot of sense.
- Yes, I was devoted to you.
- Okay, great.
And you really fucked us.
You really did.
Will you will you just excuse me while I figure out how I'm going to fucking eat this week 'cause I don't have a dollar.
Oh, okay, I know I'm not gonna get through to you now that you're a sociopath, so Oh, okay.
I'm a sociopath? - MATT: Yes.
- Really? You rub people the wrong way.
Good people.
Okay, you're not wrong.
I know that.
I just haven't been able to feel anything for a long time, okay? I can't.
MATT: Yeah, yeah, you've been a zombie.
Look, I I I love you.
I just I knew it.
No! Get out of here! What's wrong with you? All right, I may have misread that moment.
BETH: Fuck, Matt.
I was gonna say I love you like family.
You are like family to me.
It's awful to see you this way.
I've just been so numb.
Jesus, Matt.
Stop it.
Is that cocaine? It's all over your face.
It's all over.
Oh, cocks! I gotta pick up those fucking Glaser Group people tonight.
You have Glaser tonight? Yeah, that's why I've been so stressed out.
- BETH: Jesus.
- It's okay.
I got this.
I got this, girl.
You just pissed yourself.
I just need a little bit more cocaine.
BETH: I don't think that's the solution, Matt.
Hey, hey, I'll do it.
I can take them out.
- MATT: No! - Yeah.
Nobody likes you.
They will like me.
I will make them like me, okay? I have an idea.
And and whatever commission I make goes right to our landlord.
- You got it, baby.
- BETH: Okay? - Yeah.
- BETH: Yeah.
And we're taking my name off the lease tonight.
- MATT: Tonight.
- All right, all right.
You're the best, baby.
Matt! Why are you dumping out that champagne? I don't know.
- Thank you.
- YOUNG BETH: Thank you so much.
And I'm sorry I missed the volleyball game the other day.
You were there, Dad.
Thank you.
I was? Yeah, yeah, you were.
Oh, good.
Daddy, are we gonna really eat somewhere? Are we gonna eat somewhere? Yeah, we're eating here, we're eating everywhere.
We're eating every single thing.
I mean, look at all his food.
Plus, I am making my top-secret world-famous Leonard's lemonade, okay? Put a lemon, some sugar packs in there, stir it up, and it's the best of the best stuff.
Try it, Annie.
That's that's really sweet, Dad.
YOUNG LEONARD: It's good, though, right? Now, listen, I need you to get two more cups of water, couple of sugar packs, and a bunch of lemon, okay? Why can't Beth do it? Beth can't do it because Beth has 65 stitches in 42 places.
- 41 stitches.
- In three layers.
Okay, now, go ahead and do it, all right? - YOUNG ANN: Okay.
- Come right back, sweetheart.
YOUNG LEONARD: Don't talk to any weirdos.
Whe when is this, um, prom thing with the dress? When is this thing? Dad, I'm I'm 14.
It's not a prom.
Don't worry about it.
I am listen, sweetie, my, um, my car's not really in the shop.
Fuckers took it from me because I had too many DWIs, but I wasn't even drunk.
I think Mommy called the cops on me.
So I'll be seeing even less of you.
That's great.
Sweetheart, no, no, no, no, no.
Listen, I took I took three buses to be with you guys today, and I'll take 300 more.
I know, I know.
I just school has been really off, so.
Wha what about your friends? Do you, um - Liz and Maya.
- YOUNG LEONARD: Liz and Maya.
'Cause, you know, friends are important.
Family, they come and go, you know, and you can't trust them half the time.
But friends, that's a family that you get to choose.
- Look at you.
Wait a second, where-where did you get that fancy hat? They gave it to me 'cause I'm so cute.
YOUNG LEONARD: Oh, yeah? Well, maybe they should give me one also - YOUNG ANN: Hey! - 'Cause I'm so cute too.
Now, watch and learn, right? I'm gonna go to Johnny Rockets, and I'm gonna make them give us three cheese burgers.
- Huh? - YOUNG BETH: Okay.
They got 50¢ refills at Starbucks.
Oh, yeah? Hey, Dad.
Where you been? I'm here.
I'm always here.
I-I have this stupid phone.
It runs out of minutes.
You look good.
I look like shit.
Come on, I'll get you that refill.
50¢? How's Annie? She's good.
She says hi.
No, she doesn't.
That's okay.
Mom died.
Really? Janey died? She died.
Oh, wow.
Breast cancer? No, it was a car accident.
- LEONARD: That's a shame.
- BETH: Yeah.
That's a beautiful woman.
Beautiful breasts.
All right.
I'm so sorry, Beth.
Thank you.
How -how are you doing with it? It's, you know, it's complicated.
That woman was a fucking saint.
I know.
How's your mom? She died, Dad.
Fucking breast cancer.
How's your memory? They say I have short-term memory loss.
How's your long-term? Depends.
- I wear Depends.
It's just so do you? - No.
- BETH: Oh.
I'm not that fucked up.
I I wanna ask you about something.
I wanna see if you're up for it.
- I'm listening.
- BETH: Okay.
I got a pretty big gig.
- Couple of big fish.
- Yeah? BETH: Really looking to charm these people.
You feel like getting a little bit of a haircut, shave? It's a little bit of a hustle.
What's my name and where am I from? Hmm, all right.
Yeah, oh, Paul, Diane from the Glaser Group, it is my honor to introduce you to Mr.
Leonard Pacino.
Nice to meet you.
- Pacino? - LEONARD: Pleasure's mine.
Nice to meet you.
We're so lucky he's in town.
He's usually on the Amalfi Coast this time of year.
- DIANE: Oh.
- Oh, really? I love Italy.
We honeymooned in Rome.
Oh, yeah? With each other? - Oh.
Huh? I have to kill you if I tell you.
And Matt is so sorry he couldn't join us tonight, but we're gonna have a great time.
Leonard Pacino, you said? I mean, is that any relation to Al? Oh, um, well, we were hoping this wouldn't come up, of course.
It always does.
Yeah, but yes, they are cousins.
Yes, but they're constantly falling in and out.
Well, that's because I always tell him like it is.
Yes, you do.
But I'm the one who also gave him hoo-hah.
ALL: Hoo-hah, hoo-hah.
Remember? Yeah.
And that Oscar after 30 years of groveling.
BETH: I would never admit to that, though.
Don't bring that up at Thanksgiving, right? No, never.
Damn, I'm a fan.
Yeah, I'm a huge fan.
"Any Given Sunday"? Oh, yeah.
That little thing he did with Keanu, the devil Yeah.
I think we're ready to order.
We should get it going, right? And we're starting with champagne, correct? That's what we're doing here tonight? You know, I'm actually feeling more like some pinot.
Uh, all right.
We were we were hoping you were gonna fall in love with our our champagne tonight, but, um, but actually no, actually, I-I can get some pinot here That's not a problem.
In in the next 45 minutes that'll change your lives.
- Fantastic.
- BETH: That's great.
Okay, well, how's everyone doing tonight? Well, how we're doing depends on how you are doing, okay? We have some very important people here, especially Diane.
So make sure you kiss up to her, and we're gonna spend a lot of money.
Trust me, we are spending a lot of money.
I am telling you that right now.
So you treat us right, we will treat you right, deal? It's a deal.
Am I, uh, detecting an accent? - Yes.
- Let me guess, Montevideo.
Oh, my yes, that's amazing.
Ah, you know, I I lived with a woman in, uh, Carrasco for a while.
- I was born in Carrasco.
- Okay, okay.
The interview's over.
You're talking my ear off.
Get out of here.
It's gotten crazy, this world.
All right, let me have four dozen east coast oysters, extra lemon, a pile of crab legs, a bunch of shrimp, and I want an ice cream-sized scoop of the Petrossian or whatever the caviar you have back there with the pancakes and the rest of that shit, okay? DIANE: Okay.
And what are you guys gonna have? [BOTH LAUGH.]
And let me get 36 littlenecks, hold the cocktail forks, and I insist we start this meal with some Prosecco, all right? I have a question for you guys.
Has anyone ever been to Italy? BETH: Um.
We already talked about that, Len, remember? - I'm fucking with them.
- Oh, you got me.
- This guy! And Paul, you are trouble, I can tell.
- Me? - LEONARD: Ah, you are trouble.
No, he's got your number, Paul.
- Yeah, you are trouble, Paul.
- Yeah.
So I am hanging off the cliff, one hand on my motorcycle, the other on the fjord, and I yelled, "I should've got the Peugeot!" [LAUGHTER.]
Oh, my God, I think I have never laughed this hard.
I'm crying.
Oh, don't cry, you fucking crybaby.
- BETH: Stop it.
No, he is Manhattan's best-kept secret.
I told you that, right? Oh, oh, um, who's ready for some red? BOTH: Me.
Okay, great, well, then it is my distinguished honor to introduce you to the master sommelier, Mr.
Cesar Milan.
- The dog whisperer? - No.
Hello, everyone, I hope you enjoy our wines.
You'll be happy to know you're drinking locally tonight.
These grapes were harvested just 40 miles east of where we're sitting.
- Hmm.
- Oh, wow.
That is delicious.
Right? Tell us more.
It was a really good harvest.
Cool and dry.
Okay, Cesar.
Thank you so much.
I know you have to get back to sommelier-ing.
My job is never done.
No, these bad girls are what they call ready, and this will fly off any menu.
Perfect for by the glass.
Oh, we love that.
Yes, we do.
It's the Beaujolais nouveau of pinot.
That is adorable.
The company will eat that up.
Of course, they'll go crazy with that.
So what are we talking here? Whatever do you mean, Diane? You wanna talk numbers at the table? You? Come on, I don't discuss religion at the table, and I consider money my religion.
But we can make an exception this one time because, well, the numbers are so frighteningly low.
Well, I mean, every now and then, there's nothing wrong with a little religion.
Are you ready for the numbers? - We're ready? - Are you ready? Okay, I don't know if Paul's ready.
- Try me.
- I don't think Diane is ready.
I like that.
It's cute.
- PAUL: You just try me.
- LEONARD: You not ready.
DIANE: Yes I am, Leonard.
Okay, here we go.
Four, zero.
Is there another zero coming? BETH: No, there is not, Paul.
And if you wanna make the bold move of going exclusive with this vineyard, there'll be a three in front of that zero.
Wow, I love three.
Three is my lucky number.
I live for three.
I had a threesome in Italy.
Has anyone ever been? [LAUGHTER.]
Okay, let's all just drink up and enjoy this pairing of steak and celery root puree, the unsung hero of root vegetables.
Hoo-ah! - Whoo-ah.
- PAUL: Hoo-ah! ALL: Hoo-ah! [LAUGHTER.]
YOUNG BETH: Dad, hey.
Oh, my gosh, no way.
Oh, my God.
Here's your dress, Cinderelly.
It's the one you want, right? Dad, thank you so much.
Mom said I could tuck you guys in.
Is Annie awake? Do not disturb, please.
You're not gonna wake even for a Furball story? - Okay.
- Yeah, you're not sleeping.
You're not sleeping.
YOUNG BETH: Come over here.
YOUNG LEONARD: Okay, I wanna tell you about Furball.
Furball was a cat with mangy teeth and bad breath that nobody would go near because he was missing patches of fur.
YOUNG LEONARD: But he had a gambling ring.
LEONARD: What a night.
- How about this night? Beth, you did so good tonight.
You are a natural-born salesman.
Well, I get that all from you, obviously.
- Yeah, well, you did so - That's you.
You did great.
You don't love it, though, right? - What? - Ah, you don't love it.
It's okay you're good at it, but I just I get such a-a kick out of the whole thing, but not you.
I-I know what you're saying.
You're-you're not wrong.
You gotta find that thing that gives you that that charge.
Why don't you do something with, um - Don't say volleyball.
- Volleyball.
Oh, my God.
Come on, Dad.
- You love volleyball.
- I'm almost 40.
What am I doing with volleyball? You could coach.
They got, uh, leagues at the YMCA.
You're good at it.
And did I tell you that I'm, uh, I'm gonna quit drinking? No, that's great.
Good for you.
Me too.
- Good.
- Yeah, I'm quitting.
But not tonight.
- No, not tonight.
- Mm.
- Very soon.
- Oh, yeah.
It's at the top of my list.
LEONARD: The tippy top.
Hey, how's Mom? She's good, Dad.
- Tell her I said hello.
- I will.
Well, what a fucking night, Beth.
- Oh, God.
- What a fucking night.
This fucking night.
SINGER: Ecstasy - Ecstasy - SINGER: Believe SINGER: Oh that your constant bunk SINGER: Believe Whoop, whoop, whoop SINGER: Ecstasy - Ecstasy - SINGER: Believe SINGER: Oh that your constant bunk SINGER: Believe Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop Fuck up my money, get belief Put some in your purse I don't know what time to eat I like the demon dem roll out 16 You are running for your money Running for your body Help keep our banks, pull a Cardi Jesus, place that dime on your sleazy [VOCALIZING.]
Money, no money, no money, no money, no money [VOCALIZING.]
- MURRAY: Hello.
- BETH: Hey, Murray.
Beth? Glaser wants to go exclusive with Three Trees pinot.
- That's almost - $1/2 million.
That's right.
35K for me.
MURRAY: Oh, my God.
I'm speechless for the first time in my life.
Say something.
I quit.
Well, not that.
BETH: I mean it, I'm sorry, Murray.
I'm I'm not gonna work at Kerig anymore.
MURRAY: Did those fuckers poach you? No.
This is a drunk call, isn't it? - You don't mean it.
- It's not.
Because to be honest, I really don't wanna lose you.
I mean, come on, Beth.
I know, I I'm out.
I gotta find my thing.
All right, well, you're a great salesman, kid.
- I learned from the best.
- Me? My dad.
Oh, sorry.
It did sound like I was gonna say you.
- MURRAY: It did.
- Um.
I love you, Murray.
Thank you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
All right, Bigtime.
And, uh, hey, take it easy on Matt.
He's gonna need your support pretty soon.
You gotta look out for these misguided dudes, you know? Yeah.
I'm one of them.
Now, get off my phone, would you? - Yeah.
- MURRAY: Jesus.
SINGER: Whoop, whoop, whoop, ooh [VOCALIZING.]
Bounce game [VOCALIZING.]
Bounce game [VOCALIZING.]
Bounce game [VOCALIZING.]
Money, no money, no money, no money, no money LEONARD: Cheers.
You guys help yourselves.
This is the best stuff.
Whoo! LEONARD: And I said, "I should have got the Beujeaux!" [LAUGHTER.]
Bounce game [VOCALIZING.]
Bounce game [VOCALIZING.]
Bounce game [VOCALIZING.]
Bounce game [VOCALIZING.]
Money, no money, no money, no money, no money, no money Money, no money, no money, no money, no money, no money [VOCALIZING.]
Super, super with no temper I am not bad man, I am not a soldier And the only thing you see about the money makeup Bank gonna fill up with paper [RAPPING IN LANGUAGE.]
It's so easy.

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