Life in Pieces (2015) s04e03 Episode Script

Misery Turd Name Pills

JOHN: How's your knee feeling, Joanie? The doc seemed pretty confident when he said one week.
But, y-you know, you got to get out of bed, put some weight on it.
I don't trust that doctor.
He wore jeans.
Wait, don't go.
Don't go.
Oh, I'm so bored.
Well, geez, I'd love to hang out, but, uh, I got an appointment I cannot break.
With whom? Whoever they pair me up with.
(SIGHS) - (DOOR OPENS) - SOPHIA: Hey, Mom-Mom.
You came to see the Mom-Mom you love.
Oh, I'm just delivering a sandwich.
No, no, no.
You want to talk and tell me all your problems.
Perhaps, uh, you're feeling invisible at school? No, school's great.
I just got to name our new mascot, - Inclusive the Rainbow.
- Oh.
I guess I did just get kind of annoyed with my mom, though.
Oh, wonderful.
Tell me, honey.
Sit down, tell me.
I wanted her to play a game, but she said she's too exhausted from taking care of you and listening to all your complaints and demands.
Well, you know, I gave her 40 years, and she walked some toast across the street, so I guess we're even.
She said you owe her.
Whoa, honey, don't leave me, please.
You know, I can play that game with you.
Really? I didn't know there was a truth or dare version of this game.
There's also an X-rated version of Monopoly.
I found it in Mom and Dad's closet.
Instead of a car, there were handcuffs.
Instead of a thimble, there was some Um, no, honey.
I-I understand what you mean.
Okay, so, "Dare one player to run around the room.
" I dare you.
Run? Get a grip.
I can't even walk.
Then I dare you to prank call someone.
I don't know, not with me.
I'm not funny that way.
Seymour Butts doesn't live here.
Okay? Who is this? You know what? You are a little piece of - (LAUGHING) - Oh, mercy.
Oh, that was upsetting.
- I'm gonna go get some more games.
- What? I love having a broken Mom-Mom who can't leave her bed.
One two Oh, phew.
(SIGHS) Four? That's too many.
- (GASPS) - (LAUGHS) JOAN: Can we get out yet? I'm a little starved for air.
- (INHALES DEEPLY) - We all are.
It's a nuclear holocaust.
Mm, right.
But I SOPHIA: Are you crazy? (PANTING) Mom-Mom, it isn't safe.
- Get back in the fort now.
- (GRUNTS) SOPHIA: Wake up, Mom-Mom.
What's happening? I'm the wicked stepmother.
You're gonna have to eat your way out.
- GREG: Hey, Mom.
- Ooh.
A visitor.
I'm up here! (WHISPERS): Shh.
You need your rest.
- I'll take care of it.
- Honey? Oh! Hey, uh, Soph.
Th-This is for Mom-Mom.
Oh, okay.
She's not taking visitors right now.
She's resting.
JOAN: Uh, somebody's out there.
I can hear you.
Hello? Did you call Uncle Greg? No, I didn't.
I'll just hold onto this.
Anything you need, I'll get you.
Well, would you untie me, please? No.
I've got other plans for you.
We're gonna smash geodes.
No, we're not.
I have had enough of this.
Just untie me! I thought we were having fun together.
Oh, darling.
I didn't want to do that.
I'm so sorry.
You've been just so you've been so wonderful to me.
Honey, I'm so sorry.
I'll tell you what.
You know, you go home, and you just get us some more games, okay? I've got a really fun one where the loser gets their fingers electrocuted.
(DOOR OPENS) (SIGHS) SOPHIA: Mom-Mom, you're walking? Now we can play Twister.
MATT: So, we were thinking of having the whole family over to our house, uh, to meet our birth mother, Morgan.
She's coming to live with us to ride out the rest of her pregnancy.
So, when do we get to meet this baby mule? Friday.
And, um, that's the type of thing that you can't call her, because she might change her mind about giving us her baby.
- Oh.
- Honey, that's the best version of what he was going to say.
To dear Morgan.
We're so honored that you've chosen our family - to give this precious gift to.
- (PHONE RINGING) - And Colleen and Matt - Hello? Hey.
Hey, you can keep talking.
It's fine.
Oh, well MORGAN: I'm so glad you called.
I'm, like, literally having the most awkward conversation with this old lady right now.
I don't know.
Like, old.
Like, 50? You know what, this might be, like, a dying words type of thing, so I'm gonna call you back later.
Okay, bye.
Go on.
- Beautiful toast, Mom.
- Thank you so much.
MORGAN: Oh, God.
This party blows.
We should totally ditch.
I don't even know anyone here.
I think that's kind of the point.
Thanks, professor.
But you know what, I did find one person that I kind of connected with.
Yeah, my husband is already connected.
Clem, stop.
It's not a good color on you.
You know what'd be a good color on me? Red.
She is not even my type.
(GASPS) You know what? You two look like twins.
Being pregnant is the worst, but it's also kind of the best.
Right? Now I can eat what I want, and I got to drop out of high school, and all my sex is safe.
Well, for the next couple months.
Uh Oh.
I was gonna go, but then she did.
So I feel like I can still go.
Yeah, you can go.
(WHISPERS): Bitch.
Morgan is a nightmare.
She can't talk to my family this way.
I need to say something.
No, no, no.
No, don't you dare.
We can't afford to lose her, Matt.
Besides, if she's not attacking your family, she's attacking us, and I need a break.
Honey, she told Greg she could tell his hair is dried with a hairdryer, and that's not something that he wants out.
Well, what do you care? You've been wanting to expose that for years.
Yes, in a slow, like, organized social media rollout - that I control.
That I control.
- Well, you don't control her, Matt.
You don't control anything.
Haven't the last two years taught you that? - What are you all doing in here? - HEATHER: Shh! (QUIETLY): We're hiding from Morgan.
Shut the door.
If you actually have to use the bathroom, use the kitchen sink.
Well, it's just never easy the first time you're called a bitch.
Uh, wait, what happened? Did Morgan call you the B-word? Mm-hmm.
I guess I always knew it was coming.
I just thought I had a couple more years to be a kid, you know? I'm just gonna go sit around and wait for my period.
You all should be at the party, you know, supporting Matt and Colleen.
We support them in theory.
But, in practice, we don't want to.
Yeah, Morgan's so mean.
If Tim heard the things she said about him, he'd drive his car straight into the ocean.
Was it about my weight? Ha-ha.
Very original.
No, it wasn't about your weight.
Oh, no.
Oh, babe, no.
That's potpourri, honey.
- I don't even care.
- JOHN: Listen up.
We got to support Matt and Colleen.
I mean, th-they're looking like exhausted parents and they don't even have a kid yet.
Yeah, Morgan called them gunty, which cannot be good.
That is not nearly as bad as what she said about Tim.
Come after the dome? Oh, very clever.
Oh, no.
JOHN: We got six weeks and they'll get that baby.
In the meantime, you all got to put up with that turd's crap.
- (TOILET FLUSHING) - So it's believable.
(INSECTS TRILLING) There is no excuse for Morgan's behavior.
We can't put your family through this.
So, our options are, uh, either we confront her and risk losing the baby or we just put our heads down and we deal with it.
(EXHALES) She's our problem.
Let's go tell your family they can go.
(SIGHS) Hey, guys, uh, we need to talk.
So, Morgan, maybe you and Sam should go to the movies next weekend.
Uh, yeah.
And, uh, next week, Jen and I can take you to the beach.
- MORGAN: Love it.
- (GASPS) Oh, my gosh.
I'm gonna dig holes and then put towels over them.
(LAUGHS) Cool.
Like to hurt people.
Yeah, you got it.
You guys, your family is so dope.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, wait.
Hang on.
Don't worry, she didn't die.
It's fine.
I know.
I know.
Guys, what's going on? We thought you were all hiding in the bathroom because you couldn't stand Morgan.
We can't stand Morgan.
But we love you.
And, you know, it's much easier to swallow a turd if you break it up into little pieces.
That's, like, a famous quote, right? Yeah, I think it's Shakespeare.
(GRUNTS) I can't believe you found one of these bad boys.
I thought they were sold out everywhere.
No, I had to go to the store right before it opened and then outrun a woman who was eight and a half months pregnant.
And when I couldn't do that, I had to pay her 100 bucks.
Well, worth it.
You know what they say the more money we spend, the better parents we are.
Baby Alex is gonna love it.
Alex? I don't know.
I just I keep coming back to it for some reason.
- Like, I think it's such a cute name.
- Mm.
And, also, it works for a boy or a girl.
So, do you like it? I love it.
- Let's do it.
- (SQUEALS) - (CHUCKLES) - Mwah.
And, honey, this time, we have to keep it - from your family until I have this baby.
- Mm.
Yeah, no one has the guts to criticize a name once it's attached to a human.
JOAN: There are my pregnant sons.
I have a patient who's a woodworker.
He's also an arsonist, but woodworking is his real passion.
What do you think about rocking chairs to lull your little angels to sleep? - Aw.
- Oh Thanks, Mom.
But, yeah, we don't really need one of those.
Yeah, we just got this hot new bassinet that everyone's talking about.
I mean, you probably saw the article, right? Parents magazine? No? I'd love a rocking chair.
We don't have any nursery furniture yet.
Oh, honey, I wanted these gifts to match.
I'll ask him to do something, you know, simple yet elegant.
Like a stool.
Who doesn't love a simple stool? Yeah! I mean, why get a rocking chair when you can have a stool? Thanks, Greg.
(GREG STAMMERS) We have so many stools.
Uh, can it be anything smaller, like a like a baby rattle or a wooden spoon? Are you kidding me? Ooh, a spoon! Like an heirloom! And I'll ask him to engrave it.
Oh! Well, what are the babies' names? - Oh, we were thinking about naming - Uh, we-we were both, uh, thinking that we'd like to surprise the family with our names.
Well, I'll tell Gene to wait on the engraving.
Oh, my gosh.
Please forget I said my patient's name was Gene.
Oh, it's terrible.
It really is terrible.
Hey, sorry I had to jump in there.
You do not want to let anyone know the name you've chosen until the baby is born.
They'll crap all over it.
Oh, man.
I'm not even worried about it.
You can't ruin a great name like Alex.
Oh, uh, uh, what, Alex? Wait, did Jen tell you our name? No.
Alex is the name we picked.
No, Alex is the name that we picked.
But you can't.
Well, we're gonna have a baby first.
No, you're not.
Well, we named our baby first.
No, you didn't.
Well, we'll tell the family first.
No, you won't.
What? No.
We're naming our baby Alex.
(SQUEALING, CHATTER) Alex! JOAN: You heard! - What a perfect name! - Mm.
JOAN: I'll go tell Mr.
Oh, damn it.
Now you know my patient's last name.
You screwed up.
That's obvious.
I don't need to know the details.
I just need you to go get the name back.
No problem.
How? I'm gonna cut to the chase, Greg.
You've lived in your brother's shadow for a long time.
Well, not really.
I'm, like, five inches taller than him.
And I'm gonna need you to go out there and swing that five inches around.
You know, really show your brother who's boss.
Hey, man.
Things got a little heavy back there, - but this is a time for celebration.
- Mm.
- Mm.
- You know? I mean, we should be helping each other on this, uh, uh, crazy journey called parenthood, you know? Couldn't agree more.
You have something that I want.
- Mm.
- But I might have something you want.
I'm listening.
This says "Jarvis.
" Now that is our backup name, real primo.
God, it kills me to be giving this up, but it's yours if you want it.
Seriously? Matthew, please.
I'm desperate.
Got the name back.
(GASPS) Yes! Oh.
I never once doubted you out loud.
So, uh, we'll pick up the bassinet tomorrow? You'll pick up the what now? There are a million baby names out there, - but only one of these bassinets in town.
- Mm.
You gave 'em our bassinet? And two stools.
We hear you're swimming in stools.
(CHUCKLES) You know what? At least everybody already loves the name.
We're naming our baby Alex.
Joanie, I swear I've lived this moment before.
I thought that was Uncle Matt and Aunt Colleen's name? Yeah, but the important thing is that the beloved family-sanctioned name is now ours.
Oh, I don't know.
You know, I liked Alex by itself, but Alex and Lark? It sounds like two little beagle puppies, and one's fast, and the other drowns in the river.
- Huh.
- Oh.
I knew an Alex.
He killed a Mark.
It's pretty close to Lark.
What other names are you kicking around? If you guys don't want Alex anymore, we'll take it.
Alex Short.
I like that.
Oh, hell no.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) COACH: All right, hustle back! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Hey! - Mom, I think we should go home.
I don't feel good.
- Mm.
- And I feel like it's something bad.
I'm pretty sure it's my prostate.
Let me give you one of these.
- (SIGHS) - There you go, sweetie.
Yeah, right? Um what did you just give her? Oh, this isn't real medication.
When Sophia says that she's sick but I think she's probably just a little anxious, I give her a candy from a pill bottle, then she thinks she feels better.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - COACH: Jump ball! (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) - Yeah! - That's genius! Yeah, it's good.
You could make a fortune selling those to my family alone.
Here you go.
- First one's free.
- Hmm.
- What's all this? - Oh! Tim, it's so exciting.
You know how I always give the kids those fake pills? Well, word spread around the basketball moms, and now I'm selling 'em.
Oh, that's amazing.
I call them, "Feel-Betters.
" - Oh, that's good.
- Yeah.
Yeah, makes you think you'll feel better.
Where'd you get all the bottles? Remember when I was asked to step down from the school gala committee, and then I had that little moment? Five months was a little moment? Well, I saved all my pill bottles.
Well, look at you.
Took real human darkness, turned it into a fun business idea.
Good for you.
I know.
Isn't it amazing? Oh, Tim, I feel like this is how Amazon started.
(GRUNTS) Probably.
Oh, no, it feels so good to have my own business.
And you know the best part about this is that I'm doing everything all by myself.
(SIGHS) All right, guys, how we doing? - Mmm.
(GULPS) - Um, Tim, honey? Yeah, not paying you to eat the product.
You're not paying us at all.
Well, why would I? You are terrible at your job.
I have a job.
I'm a doctor.
Yeah? Well, here, you are just a hot piece of ass.
Aah! Mommy, Mommy, Mommy! Aunt Heather brought Soph to play group! - Hi, guys.
- HEATHER: Oh! I just came to drop off these toys of Sophia's.
- Oh, wow.
Thank you.
That's so sweet.
- Oh.
It's, uh six Legos - and half a doll with her hair ripped out.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, Sophia doesn't need that stuff anymore, now that she's in the sixth grade.
Well, I may be a big girl, but sometimes I get little-girl feelings.
I get nervous and anxious and sometimes even a little scared.
HEATHER: Yeah, and as a caring mom on the go, I know exactly what you need.
- What is happening? - What are Feel-Betters? They're my favorite organic, farm-to-table medicine.
Yeah, here you go, sweetie.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Yeah.
(WHISPERING): It's just a placebo, (IN NORMAL VOICE): but it's the magical medicine that takes her tummy from owie to wowie.
I feel so much better, and confident.
Like, if my parents were divorced, I wouldn't feel any stress about it.
Can I get some of those? Bill just left us.
Oh, my God.
Claire, are you okay? She will be, because I've got ten bottles of Feel-Betters right in my purse for $9.
Of course you do.
That was a nice performance, Soph.
Hey, can I talk to you guys about your, uh, Feel-Betters? (CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah.
Jen, I'm sorry.
I can't shave anything off the price just because you're family.
Uh, listen, as a lawyer, I should warn you that selling anything even remotely close to medicine just opens you up to a host of legal landmines.
Good ones? No.
You're encouraging kids to take a pill every time they feel bad.
I mean, what happens when a kid pops a handful of his mom's Valium thinking he's eating Feel-Betters? - Oh, that's a lot of Valium.
- Not if his hands are really small.
Well, that's not the takeaway.
Oh God, no.
- I feel so terrible.
- What? Oh No, Tim! Why didn't you stop me? This was a terrible idea! You're a doctor.
'Cause I'm your husband first, and you were really happy.
- (SCOFFS) - All right, fine.
I'll go fire the kids.
Sophia's gonna be pissed.
She's been saving up her vacation days.
HEATHER: I feel so stupid.
Everything I do is for somebody else.
You know, it's for my kids or my husband or my parents, and I just wanted something for myself, and I blew it.
- No.
- (SCOFFS) Heather.
You had an idea that you turned into an actual business.
- Yeah.
- So, it kills children.
- Big deal.
- Oh Your next idea will be a hit that might not kill children, huh? And when that happens, I'm gonna be right here to support you.
Thank you.
You know what? - I do have another idea, actually.
- Oh, yeah? - Okay, you know how some kids eat glue? - Uh-huh.
Well, what if you just put vitamins right in the glue and get Vita-Glue? But, uh, they're still eating glue, so Yeah, I'll just get my real estate license like all the other moms do.