Lilyhammer (2011) s02e01 Episode Script

Milwall Brick

We should get a joint christening gift for Johnny.
What do you think, my brother? No.
I'm knitting him a gift myself.
What the fuck? Is that not a bit feminine? There are plenty of men who knit now.
Who? Have you ever heard of Arne & Carlos? You are a cute little knitter.
Aunt Torgeir.
Aunt Torgeir? "I think you're so cute" Just kidding with you, you know.
Cheers! Cheers! I didn't know it was the godfather's responsibility to.
.
Do you want to sit down a bit? - Are you ok? - It's fine.
How does that look? A little further to the left.
Yes, there.
A little a little further down.
Check that out, Yvonne.
Is that the reception? Fantastic location.
Quiet and calm.
Hey! You have to turn down the music! Randi? Hi Jan! How nice.
It's been a long time.
I'm this close to sending a complaint to the Immigration Authority.
Complaint? At my camp? Are you aware that one of your residents attacked your neighbour's dog? My god, that's terrible.
What's happened with you? You used to have the tidiest desk in the council.
It has been a little tough for me.
To cope with the transition into the private sector.
Now the pieces fall into place.
Really? I actually had a summer job with UN in Somalia in 2002.
Not the first time I've seen a Khat plant, Randi.
I got a some from a Somalian to make me cope with the work pressure.
Relax, I can put it away tomorrow.
I'm in full control.
I have to report this to the Immigration Authority.
I can quit tomorrow.
I'm in full control.
I cannot let this lie, I have to report it.
Do you remember that night, in the inventory room? After the Desmond Tutu conference? Do you remember that? Yes, there are loads of money in integration.
Did you not know? The christening is cancelled.
The priest has a concussion, I think.
Ah.
.
Probably because you knocked his head I've saved up for the buffet all day.
Then it got cancelled.
I am starved.
Throw a bit more onto it there - That's 75 kroner.
- Plus a soda.
- Then it's 60 kroner.
- I'm not going to pay for it.
- You forgot to ask if I'm having a drink.
- That's at Statoil.
- Nope, that's everywhere.
It's free if you forget to ask a customer if he wants a drink.
That's how it is, my girl.
Oh shit! Damn phat eh? Have you bought it? No, just testing it out a bit.
Considerng buying it, we'll see.
- Get in.
- Let's fricking go! Check the sound out! It's vibrating deep inside the ass.
Don't do it.
I have to fill petrol.
It's supposed to be full tank when I return it.
- Relax.
Who cares? - Still though.
- You're becoming a godfather for two? - Yes, that's great stuff - There's one thing I'm wondering about.
.
- Because Jonny is part of a different religion - He's Catholic.
- What are the godfather's tasks.
.
- when it comes to the foreskin? - Do I have to hold the knife, or.
.
- When they circumcise the cock's head? - Catholics don't do that - Are you sure? - 100% - For sure? Where are we now boys? - The Vingnes bridge.
Give your phone.
- Torgeir, we are sitting in a Ferrari.
- On the Vingnes bridge.
- I have the responsibility for this Ferrari.
.
- Yeah yeah.
- Are you filming it? - I'm filming.
- I can feel it.
- It's the car dealer - I've to answer the call - Hey, stop it! - Don't be childish.
- The first excersise today.
.
.
.
is inspired by something I picked up.
.
.
.
working as a pearl diver at the Ilolic islands.
- Two and two together - Sigrid, you come with me.
You go to the swim teacher, and you stay with me.
Do you train a lot? No.
Why? You almost look too good, having just given birth to twins.
I've always been naturally slim.
I think we'll say "naturally smashing" Will I hold your kids while you speak to your husband? He's not my husband.
We're not together.
It's no competition.
I think you should concentrate more on the christening.
Everybody in the group have gotten new dates, apart from us.
Give me two minutes guys.
That's straight.
But what's not straight .
.
is what's happening at your club.
Our church servant found one of your guests in the street last weekend.
I'll christen your kids.
One one condition .
.
that I can dunk you too.
Excuse me, I'll skate with the kids now.
This will be fine.
I've patched together worse things.
It'll be fine.
A new windscreen.
Some new paint.
As good as new.
You sure it's clever to do this on your own? You would rather call the insurance company? To say we smashed into an elk while breaking the record on the bridge? Just promise me that you will fix this.
Uncle Roy will sort this out.
Roy doesn't like getting disturbed when he's in the garage.
But he'll be finsihed soon.
It will be fine, right? The damage was small? Don't stress.
.
We just want it to be perfect.
Damn it, I forgot that the petrol tank is in the front.
Shit! What's the story with the insurance? Well it's no obvious insurance case this.
No, but.
.
No need to panic.
Let's report the car stolen, and then You Dag, and Arne .
.
.
.
arrange the paperwork with the customer.
You are good at that, right? Yup.
Or.
.
? I don't know if Do as Torgeir says.
OK? Great.
This will sort itself out.
Let me loose.
Please! Don't do this to me.
No Is all this.
? A whole skatehall for me and the kids? Plywood all over the place! This can't have been cheap? - Hi - Hi This was good service.
Yes, some extra fuss on a day like this, you know.
Oh no, what have we here then? We're going to a christening.
Oh yes.
What are their names? Asbjørn and Asbjørg.
Oh yes? Yes - Aren't they nice names then? - Yes.
.
no .
.
ask my nephew His name is Asbjørn.
He went to Australia to study medicine.
Was never called anything but asshole.
It was so bad that he came home after the first semester.
That's sad.
He's ok now.
He drives a snowplough instead.
You pick the names you like.
It's not sure that these two will be studying aroad.
Or be on Facebook like all the other kids.
As many of you know, I have skated down the roof of the opera in rain.
And that was aweome! But still nothing can compare to The kick I get to welcome two new small ones, welcome to the club of us that dig Jesus.
God bless them.
From now and forever.
I draw on you the holy cross.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.
I Christen you Sorry.
I Christen you Bjørn and Bjørg.
It's not quite finished yet, there's a seam I couldn't do.
It was too difficult for me.
You're so good at knitting to the little babies.
So childish.
Hope you will enjoy eating it.
As much as I enjoyed killing it.
Jeez, are you here? Don't you remember calling? You said there was a big black guy with a knife in his mouth outside your window.
No.
That's emberrassing.
I probably called you in my sleep.
Yes.
That was no dream, Randi.
Khat psychosis! You've chewed enough "African Salad" to feed an entire Somalian football team.
It'a complete chaos here.
You're not fit to live here.
- Dear .
- Your cap.
Jerk.
Dear Asbjørn and Asbjørg.
- Bjørn and Bjørg.
- Bjørn and Bjørg, yes.
It's an honour to stand here as your godfather.
It's normal in speaches To start with a funny story.
So I though I'd open with a comical misunderstanding.
Johnny is a Catholic.
For months I was dreading the circumcision.
Would I have to hold the baby's cock when they cut it? Because I don't love cock - or blood.
But thankfully, my knowledgeable friend could .
But ok.
Religion or politics.
.
.
.
don't belong in a Christening.
So I'll skip straight to the stars of the show - the twins.
Dear Bjørn and Bjørg.
Daddy, are you ok? You're bleeding! Come.
He's bleeding from the mouth.
It's obvious that you need help.
To get the asylum up to scratch.
So I have Made an agreement.
About how we can cooperate But I'm not selling the asylum.
At least not that cheap.
Would rather have me explaining to the Authorities .
.
that the destiny of war refugees are in the hands of a junkie? You can't do this to an old friend! Did you forget that night at the Desmond Tutu conference? Right enough.
That night? Do you know how many times I tried to get a hold of you afterwards? You didn't even bother answering.
I didn't moan about it.
But that was the old Jan.
The obedient bitch that begged everybody to be liked.
"Can you get the coffee, Jan?" "Can you tidy these documents when I'm away on a romantic holiday with my lover?" Do you know what happened to that bitch? It died when I got fired from my old job.
What you see now is a fighting dog.
And it's not fucking tame! Sign the contact! The new Jan scares me.
But he makes your panties a bit wet too.
Doesn't he? Randi was so nice to invite us with as co-owners.
The leader of the asylum centre.
.
.
.
has a weakness for herbs you can't find in the supermarket.
It created Private party here tonight.
It's fair that who messed up take the main responsibility for the clean-up.