Lilyhammer (2011) s02e03 Episode Script

Fiddler's Green

- Hello Roy! Great bike.
- Shut your mouth.
Sit down a bit, my girl.
You look a bit glum.
Maybe you and I should go somewhere a bit nicer to eat breakfast? Did my breakfast go up in flames? % There are no wars in Muriburiland % % No social ladders in Muriburiland % % A lonely troubadour against the yuppie culture % % Antelopes are friends with tigers in Muriburiland % % There are no drugs in Muriburiland % % And all have houses in Muriburiland % % They have traded prophet with solidarity % % Cats are friends with mice in Muriburiland % It's time for today's second highlight: Beetroot soup.
Aren't you going to have some beetroot soup? - Oh, how cute they are.
- Yes, aren't they? Thanks for the puppet theatre .
It was absolutely brilliant.
Right? - Thanks.
- Åsmund is an amazing director.
Before pedagogy, he went five years at puppetry school in Prague.
-Wow! That's impressive.
- Don't start talking politics.
OK, I've packed everything.
Here's porridge, smoothies and milk.
Here are diapers and longs and bodysuits .
As it is now, use wool.
But if it gets below -10C, don't bring them outside.
You haven't forgotten? I'm going to a seminar in Oslo.
The are collecting me here.
My dear friend.
Your paternity leave starts today .
Paternaty leave.
- Bye! Mommy will be back soon! No, what the What the hell is ? Bjørn spewed on them earlier.
Should the kids not be in the kindergarden? They need to be a year old first, so boss is quite stressed out.
- Do you buy your underwear at the supermarket ? - Anything wrong with that? Perhaps not, if it's as far between the lady visits as with you.
Take care of the monkeys, you know, Torgeir.
The cock right on the fabric.
Of course he does.
Yes? Want to play? You're the small blind.
I fold.
- Yes.
Next please.
What's going on? - Did they blow up your bike? - Electric scooter from the Wheelchair Associatiation.
Should we go into hiding or something? Hey, guys! It's a crisis here! We're out of baby powder! Don't just stand there and stare! Bjørn's ass is all red! I am sorry that they are a bit faded.
I was probably still a little angry when I chose them.
Yes, but still.
Flowers.
Thank you, Arve.
- Imagine it would come to this, Laila.
- The best solution for all parties.
Magnanimous of you to quit without making any noise.
Bullshit.
I'll get to will write what I want, and the publisher wants a sequel.
- Oh my God! - Relax, Arve.
Østmark doesn't have to be in it this time.
Thank you.
Chief! We just got a call about an armed robbery! At the pharmacy.
The only thing they took was medicine for frequent urination.
- Maybe it could be our guy.
- You are right.
- Do you take the case? - I don't work in the field.
We don't need any focus on us that we have been been fooled by a fake Scotland Yard agent.
David Today, Lillehammer needs you.
- All right, boss.
- Good.
He was not exactly high.
But he was not exactly short either.
But more like Do you take Omega 3? It is good for the memory.
- Do you take vitamin D? - No.
It's good for sallow, yellowish skin.
Yes.
I'll take some vitamin D.
I also need some antihistamines as well.
Yes, I can imagine.
Any of you frequent the Olympian Pub? No, my God.
It's probably him It must be him with his gun.
- Have you seen this guy? - No, can't help you there.
- Sometimes I don't even remember my own wife.
- Lucky for you.
- What? - No, nothing.
Can I get a ginger ale? - What is going on here? Do I understand you right? Muriburiland is not for sale! This plastic monstrosity is gone in ten minutes! Or else I will call the police.
- We want the jumping castle! - Just luck that this went well.
- What really happened here? Manufacturing defect.
The gas tank blew up.
Yes, but this is electrical.
That's not the point.
The point is that I need a new one.
A lot of things will have to be clarified before that happens.
To work with wheelchairs, you are not particularly helpful.
Nice to see you again.
Can you drop me to the diner at Tretten? I'm actually going home to make myself a Grandiosa pizza Grandis? Grandis sounds good.
Yes Remove the spikes.
You'll damage the floor.
This floor can withstand lots, but my back won't.
- Hey, Vidar! - Where's your crapper? Up the stairs.
Did you miss me? - Shit! It was exactly this type of stress that the doctor told me to avoid! Fuck! The fucking psycho was waiting for us with a machine gun at the toilet! If Roy hadn't - Who's at the door? - You just have to lock all doors and - Hey! Are you English? - No.
Relax, I'm Norwegian.
- Torgeir, who's at the door ? - You're at the door! Don't let any English in! Nobody who looks English either.
Is it smart to let kid have the gun? Say hello to the security guys.
Come on, Randi! % A bus driver, a bus driver.
He's a man who's in a good mood % % And if he isn't in a good mood, then he is no bus driver % % A bus driver, a bus driver.
He's a man who's in a good mood % On these trips, which I hope will be come a nice tradition - - Two things are in focus.
Physical education and integration.
Or "phytegration", as I call it.
In that respect we have a small goodie bag for you.
A "phytegration" pack.
- I'm not very fond of snow.
- Cheer up! You don't want your tight young girl's body drowned in fat and folds.
Jan! % A bus driver, a bus driver.
He's a man who's in a good mood % % And if he isn't in a good mood % One, two, three! % Per, the musician, had only one cow % % He traded the cow, got his fiddle back % % You old, good violin % There is a stink here that is fucking with my concentration.
What's up, bro? Come on ! Come on! Roar! Damnit! Roar! Fuck sake! Roar! Torgeir, help me! They're going to shoot me! - You have a plan, right? - Roar? Don't fall asleep! - I am so damn cold.
- Take off your clothes.
- I'm freezing to death, Torgeir .
I learned this in the Boy Scouts.
have to use the body heat.
- Just like that.
- I am so cold.
That's wonderful! Oh my God that's wonderful! Why are you so damn happy? Are you so happy to lie against a naked man? I'm not.
I was thinking about the Scouts as I was next to your walrus body.
In the boy scouts we shared sleeping bags all the time.
For seven years I went there without getting a single erection.
Ergo, I'm not gay.
I've only been stressed out in my head about it.
Not a single gram in my body fancies cock.
Stop the cock talk.
I almost died, for fuck sake! Let's just sit here and watch TV for two minutes and not talk? What the fuck? - Was it something you wanted? - We freezing a bit, - Can you come and warm us up a bit? Get the jack out.
It'll warm you up.
- It didn't turn out so good this, perhaps? - No.
But thanks for coming.
Any tips for my next job interview? Yes.
One thing: Come sober.
Where do you find all these idiots? It's not easy for me, I do everything here.
It's completely hopeless since David became sick.
Look at these guns we got from Oslo.
How am I supposed to know what's what? We need someone with a little more What do they call it? The English tourists who were found by the popular tourist cabin Gjendesheim , - Have now been confirmed dead.
What can I help you with? That can't be right.
They don't start here for another two months.
- What are you up to now? Yes.
Let's see You've been in the crime section, and most recently in national security.
What makes a woman with a CV like that apply for a job as a sheriff in Lillehammer? - Do we really have to go through all this? - Well, this is a job interview.
I have an ongoing personnel case.
- Can you say some more about that? - No.
- Arve, I'm going home.
- We all have a past.
- Yes.
But I've always been good to put things behind me.
And I always get the job done efficiently without chitchat.
That's a P30.
Yes.
Right.
When can you start?