Lilyhammer (2011) s03e05 Episode Script


What makes an educator for small children from Lillehammer involve herself in the conflict in the Middle East? I've always liked dipping candles.
One day I was sitting with my tub of wax watching a documentary from the West Bank when I was struck by the contrasts.
Here I sit in my Norwegian living room making candles, while the Palestinians live in darkness.
That's when I had the idea for "Light a Candle for Ramallah.
" - How has the response been? - Fantastic.
Together with some members of the cultural elite, I have made a "Light a Candle for Ramallah" song.
- We look forward to hearing it.
- Yes.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
With his book Healthy Goomba Living, he has topped the bestseller lists in the United States and in Europe.
The New York Times calls him "the godfather of low-carb Italian cooking.
" Here is the mafioso who became a cookbook author, Joey Salmone.
That's the end of this week's show.
See you all next week.
But first, here is Light a Candle for Ramallah.
I have seen the bombs fall And I felt a light So I felt the call To light my candle Tears of stearin Hits the nitroglycerin Whether you like God or Allah If your name is Jens or Abdallah Whether you like God or Allah Light a candle, light a candle Light a candle for Ramallah Holy crap! Fuck! Fuck.
Three-zero from 37-20.
Shots fired at Stureplan! Over.
Three-zero, do you read me? Hey.
Stay there! I said stay right there! Police! Stop or I'll fire! Police! As the executive buyer representing the Wine Monopoly, I am proud to introduce our newest wine and the man responsible, Johnny Henriksen! Cheers! Right, I think that's enough questions.
Cheers! NORWAY SWEDEN I was surprised when you called.
You haven't been easy to get a hold of lately.
What a lovely beefy candle.
- Where are you going with this? - What do you mean? Every time we're together things are so nice.
Then you just disappear.
Christ! Now things got all serious! Come here.
You need a little refresher.
Holy crap! - Did you lock the door? - No.
- Go! - Wait! Stop! - Hi there.
- Hello.
Sorry I'm late.
I had to work a little overtime at the office.
No worries.
I was starving.
That's all right.
I'll find some bread or something.
Listen What? There's something we need to talk about.
Do you have a fever? Have a look.
PREGNANT Well, say something.
I don't I'm sure we can figure something out, if if this is totally wrong for you.
I don't want to I don't I don't want to figure something else out unless you want to.
No, I don't! Congratulations! I've saved all kinds of stuff from when I was a little kid.
Our little boy will love this stuff.
- We don't know if it's a boy or a girl.
- It's going to be a boy.
I can feel it.
Who are you talking to up here? I just called and ordered a pizza, but then I realized I wasn't hungry, so I canceled the order.
Shall we go downstairs again? Were you going to leave those candles burning all night? No, of course not.
Bjørnibjørn? Bjørn? Bjørnibjørn? Yes Hold on.
Daddy needs to find him.
Do you want the milk? Thanks for looking after him.
This is Bjørn's dad.
I think the cops might want a word with you first.
The Cops? No, you listen here, foreigner.
I myself am a product of neglect.
I'm not going to allow the same thing to happen to Jørn here.
What the hell are you doing? Ouch.
Child abusers! We know who you are! They went that way! DELIVERIES Shouldn't we get him straight to a doctor? What about the doctor you had? - Do you want more taco shells? - Yes.
What's this about? A birth? For God's sake! What the hell are you doing here? We need you to remove the bullet.
Are you out of your fucking mind? All right.
This is madness.
I'm no surgeon, for Christ's sake! Relax.
If you can stitch up some chick's box, you can do this.
Come on in.
- Ali, was it? - Yes.
- Muhammad Abdul Aziz Ali.
- Yes.
I must admit I didn't really understand your e-mail complaints.
Are you dissatisfied with the support you're receiving? No, the support is fine.
But you're not doing enough to resocialize me into Norwegian society.
I see.
What is it you expect? I don't know.
Some sort of buddy system.
A sledding group, maybe? I'm afraid we don't offer that.
The thing is, when a man with my qualifications celebrates his birthday alone, the system has failed at some level.
And I suspect that level is sitting in front of me right now.
- Excuse me, but this is - Okay.
I know I'm a special case.
Both Iraqi and Norwegian.
Been to prison, but highly educated.
I fall between two stools.
- That's why we must act now.
- Have you considered joining Facebook? - Facebook? - Yes.
Do you know what was so great about Norway in the past? No.
We had a safety net that caught those who fell outside.
But we still do.
That net has started to rot! I'm sorry you feel that way, but we have to wrap things up.
Goddamn! What a rush! Happy birthday, Jan.
I'm here to see the minister of Labor and Social Affairs, Robert Eriksson.
You can't see the minister without an appointment.
The thing is, I'm here to file a complaint regarding a serious error committed by one of Eriksson's caseworkers.
- You'll have to try to call instead.
- I've already called 42 times! Tell that Progress Party prick to come down here and talk to me this instant! I think you should leave.
We used to say it was typically Norwegian to be good.
Do you know what we should say now? It's typically Norwegian to be a fucking cunt.
A fucking cunt.
- Are? We have a situation here.
- I'll find my own fucking way out.
Who do you think you're dealing with? I have a master's degree, for Christ sake.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Just add it to the bill.
Oh, God.
I read on the Internet that screwing is okay even if you're pregnant.
- Okay.
Yeah, I guess that's no problem.
- Yes.
You're so romantic.
- Hurry up.
- Yes, okay.
- Let me help you with that.
- Yes.
I also read that it might be for the best, from a health perspective, that I go in from behind.
- Yes.
- I don't know if you mind - Yes.
Let's try that.
- Okay.
Oh, yeah.
Talk dirty to me.
- Shit.
What the hell? - Sorry.
- What are you doing? - Sorry.
Damn, that hurt.
- A racecar driver? - Yes.
No, no, no, no.
Stop it.
You'll regret this.
I said, stop it.
- Hi.
Aren't you going to work? - No, I'm playing hooky today.
Is your ass better? Yes, it's a little tender.
I have some aloe vera if you think that might help.
That might not be such a bad idea.
It's 90% pure so What the hell are you doing? I'm knitting a sweater for the baby.
Did the kid's father give you that idea? Father? What are you talking about? I can see you're knitting the English flag.
- This is what we're going to do.
- Hey, stop it.
Have you lost your mind? Come on, then.
No! No.
Stop it, Torgeir.
- No! - Stop! Stop it!, Torgeir! op 't' Tmseir! Torgeir.
- What happened? - I don't know.
Low blood sugar, maybe.
You don't stab yourself in the neck because of low blood sugar.
I don't know.
Cramping isn't all that unusual.
You need to tell me what's going on, Torgeir.
The thing is Something happened a little while back, and it seems like I might have developed some mental problems as a result.
We're about to become parents, Torgeir.
We can't have any secrets.
Tell me what those problems are.
This is pretty sensitive stuff.
I wish my brother were here now.
- You need to speak to me about it.
- I prefer talking to my brother.
But I didn't mean to Please don't GO ahead.
Call your brother.
Fucking hell! Oh, no! Now what have you done? I talked to the Child Welfare Services.
They've started an investigation into you.
Okay? So what should I believe, then? They say you threw their expert out of the club.
This is not funny.
You can't go on like this.
The Child Welfare authorities.
All right.
Of course I'll come with you.
Stop playing with those.
Sorry I'm late.
I have to rub on an ointment every other hour.
My God, what happened to you? I fell off my bike.
- You're sure you're all right? - Yes.
The reason we're here is we think maybe you got the wrong impression of Johnny as a father.
- I just want to assure you that he is - This isn't necessary.
I have already delivered my report that concludes that Henriksen is an excellent caretaker.
What do you mean? Just that: Henriksen is an excellent caretaker.
- So the case is closed? - Yes.
- Thank you and get well soon.
- Thank you.
My name is Muhammad Abdul Aziz Ali.
By the time you've watched this, you'll have heard a lot about me in the news.
The media wants to portray me as a simple terrorist.
A public enemy.
But I happen to be a man who dedicated his adult life to the welfare state and Norwegian values such as compassion, integration and raising competence.
As a newly educated public servant I learned that everyone deserves a second chance.
The government's handbook for social workers states, "never treat people like air.
" Unfortunately this value has been forgotten in this shit country.
Desperate measures are necessary in order to wake Norway up.
It is with a heavy heart that I sacrifice myself in order to make this statement.
A statement I have chosen to make in the dump where my personal humiliation began.
If you love God or Allah If your name is Jens or Abdallah