Limmy's Show (2009) s03e01 Episode Script

Season 3, Episode 1

1 I want to put that on ma heid.
Know what I want to do? I want to put that on ma heid.
Don't ask me why.
Done! Ha, ha, ha, welcome to Limmy's Show.
MUSIC: "Oxygene Pt IV" by Jean-Michel Jarre You're watching Adventure Call.
My name is Falconhoof and I will be your guide on your quest.
Greetings, line two.
What is your name, traveller? Hi, Falconhoof, my name's Ewan! Greetings, Ewan.
Are you ready to begin your quest? 'Just a moment.
Shhh.
' EWAN GLUGS 'Ah!' What was that you were drinking? It seems very delicious.
'It is! It's Barry's Red Cola!' Ah! Barry's Red Cola.
Sparkling, tasty and refreshing.
A great companion on any adventure.
Are you ready to begin yours? 'I am now!' Very well.
You awake in a giant's kitchen.
You're on a plate.
Nearby is a steel goblet.
You hear thunderous footsteps approaching.
What would you like to do? 'Hide in the goblet!' You climb over the lip of the goblet and dive into a pool of Barry's Red Cola! 'Oh, really?' Yes, really.
'Man, I love that stuff.
' Me, too.
The giant searches the room for you.
He glances towards the goblet.
What would you like to do? 'Drink Barry's Red Cola!' You drink the delicious Barry's Red Cola.
The goblet is empty.
You sit at the bottom of the goblet, safely out of view.
Good idea, traveller.
'I have a confession, Falconhoof.
'It was luck! I just couldn't help drinking all that Barry's Red Cola!' Ha-ha-ha.
I hear you! Unfortunately, the giant also loves Barry's Red Cola and begins refilling the goblet from his bottle.
What would you like to do? 'Drink Barry's Red Cola!' You drink the Barry's Red Cola as it pours over you.
Barry's Red Cola also tastes great straight from the bottle.
You remain out of view at the bottom of the goblet.
Another great idea, traveller.
But don't tell me it was luck.
you just couldn't help drinking all that BOTH: Barry's Red Cola! 'Hey, you can't blame me, huh?' No way, man! But the giant keeps pouring faster than you can drink! You must act quickly.
'Let me think about it.
' HEARTY GLUGGING 'Ah!' Traveller? 'Yeah?' You're dead! 'Oh, no! What happened?' You drowned in Barry's Red Cola.
What a glorious way to die.
'Yeah.
I was too busy enjoying the real thing.
' Ah, yes.
What better way to enjoy red cola, than the real thing, the REAL red cola, Barry's Red Cola.
CALLER HANGS UP Let's take another call.
MUSIC: "Boom Boom Boom Boom" by Vengaboys # Let's spend the night together # From now until forever # Boom boom boom boom, I wanna double boom Let's spend the night together, together in my room What the?! Oh, hold on.
I put it on for a laugh, but it's good - you should try it! Oh, how you doing? I was thinking of getting one of these.
I was thinking maybe that one? HESITANTLY: Mmm, yeah, yeah Pretty standard, but But, yeah, why not? I might not even need that, you know? I was thinking maybe, even just that? That's That one, It's, it's pretty basic.
Entry level.
I mean, what I wouldn't.
Hsss So what about that? HE EXHALES SHARPLY Serious bit of kit here.
This is actually what I've got in the hoose.
But I'm no' sure if I need all that, though, you know? I might be fine with that.
That's Basic, entry-level, that.
Wouldnae get that.
You're thinking maybe more that? HE SQUEAKS: Hmmm, yeah, it's pretty standard, but Thinking more that one? (Serious bit of kit.
(It's a serious I mean, you're talking) HE EXHALES SHARPLY No' that one.
Hsss.
That's entry level, basic, I mean, it's up to you.
I think I'll take that one.
Thanks.
Miaow! Here, how annoying is this? No' annoying at all, eh? How about if I play this? CHEESY REGGAE MUSIC And I start doing this And I look like this.
This is pretty annoying, in't it? The hat, the top, the whole thing.
Aye, this is pretty annoying.
How about if I start doing this? And this? And occasionally do this? And just to top it off, I do this.
GRATING, NASAL LAUGHTER HE LAUGHS AGAIN That's pretty annoying, in't it? TENSE, DRAMATIC MUSIC Drop the gun! YOU drop the gun! Drop the gun! Slow-ly! I ain't droppin' shit! You want to do this the old way? Let's do it! Drop the gun, asshole.
You drop it, pigshit! Drop the gun, dicksplash.
You drop it, lamewad.
Drop the gun, douchebin.
It's douche-BAG, you idiot.
Well, I say douchebin.
Well, I say drop the gun, douchebag.
Drop the gun, you mother-asshole.
You already said asshole.
This time I'm saying mother-asshole.
You prick.
You're the dick.
I said prick.
Not dick.
But I'm callin' you a dick.
You wank! I'll wank you, you dick.
Shit! Sheee-iit! TV: And if you've been affected by any of the issues raised in tonight's programme, call the number at the bottom of your screen.
'Hello?' Hello, is this the number to phone if I've been affected by any of the issues in 'Yes, it is.
' Right, well, I've been affected by some of the issues in tonight's programme.
'Ah, sorry to hear that, sweetheart.
'OK, thanks for calling.
'Bye for now!' All right.
Bye.
MAN HANGS UP Miaow! HE EXHALES DRAMATICALLY HE HISSES HE EXHALES DRAMATICALLY Miaow! Just going to leave that there.
All right? APPLAUSE Hello, my name's Raymond Day, and welcome to Paraside.
Let's see where the spirit takes us.
Could someone understand, please? I have here in spirit someone who, at the time of their passing, looked very different from how they usually looked, and not necessarily for the better.
You, my dear? I think it might be my son.
It might be your son.
OK.
And am I right in saying that this change in his appearance was caused byan illness? Or an accident? Or? Yeah, an accident.
He was killed in a car crash.
A crash? Oh, God! And you saw what had happened when you went to identify him.
Am I right? Well, I was in the car with him, but I had my seat belt on, so I survived but he didn't.
Oh, lucky you! No, no, you weren't lucky, because you saw your son and he was, and he admits this himself, not a pretty picture.
LAUGHTER His face was all over the place.
Is that right? Good, because he's telling me now, who's this? My husband.
This is Husband.
You told Husband you couldn't get that face out of your mind.
Every time you closed your eyes, it was there.
It's just not how you want to remember your son.
But he's telling me now, "Don't cry, Mum! they've put me back together again.
"All the king's horses and all the king's men "have put me back together again.
" Just like the nursery rhyme you used to sing to him, remember? He just wants to come through to tell you that.
And that's him away.
APPLAUSE But now he's away, I can tell you.
He's a mess.
He's no different.
He was trying to cheer you up, but I thought you'd want the truth, cos you're going to see it eventually.
And don't worry, I think you'll have plenty of time to get used to it! LAUGHTER That was nice of him.
I'll leave his love with you.
OMINOUS GROWLING GROWLING LOUD GROWL GROWLING FEROCIOUS BARKING I'm going to say something to you right now that I've never said to another living soul in my life.
GIBBERISH CHEESY CABARET-ACT MUSIC 'I hate my job.
I hate my job, I hate it! 'I hate it, I hate it, I hate my job!' BELL SOUNDS Now there's a guy that hates his job.
DOORBELL SOUNDS All right? All right? This is going to sound strange, but I used to stay here when I was younger.
Right.
And I was wondering, could I come in and have a wee look about? I don't know about that, mate.
I knew it'd sound strange.
The thing is, me and my family are moving to New Zealand next week, we're never coming back, so I've been going about getting one last look at all my old memories before I leave.
Do you know what I mean? I just thought I could maybe come back and have a wee look, and, I don't know Aye, all right.
Come in for a minute.
Oh, amazing mate, thanks a lot! Oh, it's just how I remember it.
This wall used to be Artexed.
In fact, I think the whole thing used to be Artexed.
Remember Artex? Aye, the Artex.
Here, where are you going? Sorry, mate, it's just, this used to be my bedroom.
Would you mind? No, no, on ye go.
Some man.
Oh, look at this, look at this.
It's a lot wee-er than I remember, but obviously I was wee myself, know what I mean? Aye, it was yellow up to about there, cos I started painting it yellow, but ran out of paint.
Eh, listen, could you, could you gie's a minute? Aye, nae bother.
Tae myself? Naw, I cannae do that, mate.
Listen, do you want to leave now? I'm pretty busy.
It'll just be a minute mate.
I've got stuff to get on with.
Come on.
No, just a minute! What, are you asking or are you telling? Now get oot! Get oot my fuckin' hoose! All right, all right! I'm leaving! 'Sake! FLOORBOARD SQUEAKS Mate! Mate! You looking for this? Aw! Oh, cheers mate! Aw, chokin', man! Couldnae do us another favour, give us 20 to get back to Royston? Naw? CHEESY REGGAE MUSIC ANNOYING LAUGHTER Can't get much more annoying than this, eh? How about this? SMASHING SOUND Oh, sorry mate! GRATING LAUGH Or this.
HE BELCHES HE LAUGHS HE BELCHES HE LAUGHS Or this? HE LAUGHS HE BELCHES HE LAUGHS Ah, sorry, mate! HE LAUGHS It's about as annoying as it gets.
You wanted to see me? Yeah.
I'm going to have to let you go.
What! What for?! I can't have you spreading your negativity around the workplace.
I don't know what you mean! 'I hate my job.
I hate my job.
' 'I hate it, hate it, hate it! Hate my job.
I hate my job.
' How did you get in? BELL SOUNDS Who's that? That's Now THERE'S a guy who hates his job.
HE WITTERS PITIFULLY OMINOUS, EERIE MUSIC It's DOOR CLOSES So you bought yourself a new motor.
ENGINE REVS A yellow motor! ENGINE REVS What were you thinking? Can I have a roll and chips, please? HE SINGS RAGGA TUNE HE JOINS IN What you daein'? Joining in.
But I don't know you, mate.
Aye, all right I don't know you! HE EXHALES JAUNTY JAZZ TUNE PLAYS HE LAUGHS MUSIC FADES KISSES BECOME AUDIBLE May God forgive me for what I'm about to say, but sometimes I wish it was you that was in that water! Jokin'! STONED DRAWL: Fuckin' Minding my own business.
DOORBELL Your neighbour isn't in.
Would you mind signing for this? What? Recorded delivery.
For your neighbour.
Just put a note through their door to say you've got it.
Right.
'Back tae the telly.
Homes Under The Hammer, a good yin.
'Somebody'd bought a barn, wanted to dae it up.
'I thought, "Dee-Dee, who you fuckin' kidding?" 'What's in that box? 'I thought, "Come on, don't start, Homes Under The Hammer, tune in.
" 'Wee voice went, "Dee-Dee, sitting there's a box '"and you don't know what's in it.
" 'I mean, who has a box in their hoose 'and they don't even know what's in it? Isnae right! 'I just thought, "Gonnae drap it? Take your mind aff it!" 'Look, there's Jeremy Kyle - you happy? 'This Morning, Judge Judy, Loose Women, fuckin' 'Cash In The Attic, Bargain Hunt, Flog It! 'Fuckin'Murder She Wrote, Midsomer Murders, Heartbeat.
'Fuckin'Alan Titchmarsh! We can get through this! Get rid of it.
'Papped it ootside his door, his problem.
'Aye, but then I thought, 'Dee-Dee, "What if it gets knocked, or somebody wrecks it?" 'Wee glue-sniffer makes his way up here, or a fox.
'You'll get the blame! But what if he knocks it himself? 'Makes you buy him a new one, so he ends up wi' two? 'You better believe you have tae sign for the new wan, as well.
'Doin' your nut in again.
'You dumping it again, him bumping it again.
'Two become four, four become eight, eight becomewhatever it is.
'Started chapping doors to palm it off to somebody else.
'But naebody would help.
Naebody was in.
'Too busy working, thinking aboot themselves.
All bar one.
' Aye, right! 'Didn't know what tae dae.
' 'Couldn't have it inside, outside, couldn't let it oot ma sight.
'Stumped.
Trapped.
'I'd only one option left.
' TV BLARES FROM NEXT DOOR All right? I'm no' angry.
I'm disappointed, but I'm not angry.
So here's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to turn around, I'm going to shut my eyes, and I want whoever took the plate to put it back and I'm willing to draw a line under it, right there.
OK? OK.
Oh, thank God.
Thanks for coming over.
What's this all about? You didn't make any sense on the phone.
He's goin' about with one of them on his heid.
Ha-ha! What for? I don't know.
It's no' funny! Gonnae just get him to stop? Get oot! I'm sorry Irene.
He's right, it's good! See you later.
You'll see him now! Get oot! The two of yous! Oot! Irene? I'm.
CHEESY REGGAE PLAYS SMASHING SOUND Oh, sorry! ANNOYING LAUGH This really is as annoying as it gets, eh? Well, how about this one last thing? BELCHING, LAUGHING AND CHEESY REGGAE Imagine something like this, eh? True story.
SALESMAN SUCKS HIS TEETH Miaow! SALESMAN EXHALES DRAMATICALLY HE HISSES, MEWS AND EXHALES REPEATEDLY Miaow! OK.
Let's introduce ourselves.
I'm Neil.
My name's Darren.
Hello, I'm Julie.
Ma name's Jacqueline McCafferty.
I lost We'll just go through the names first, Jacqueline.
'I was on that stupid group therapy' I'm Kerry.
I'm Nadine.
I'm Vince.
So, Jacqueline, do you want to share? I lost three year of my life tae hero-ine.
Another five tae a methadone programme meant to get us off it but that's me clean now! I haven't thought once about going back on the smack, until Tuesday.
Washing machine broke.
Neighbour says, "You flooded us! "Third time this month!" I was like, "It's the second!" Third? Second? Third? Second? Stressed oot the eyeballs! Felt like daein' a charge of kit into my arm there and then! So here I am.
I know how you feel.
I lost four year of my life to heroin, and four on methadone.
That's me been out of work for about six month now.
The pressure Eight year all-in? You lost like, four year on the hero-ine, and four year on the methadone? Eight year? Aye.
Well, same here! I'm five and three, you're nae worse than me! I know.
We've all had it bad.
Aye, so So I've been unemployed for six months but there's still bills that need to get paid, and the pressure Haud on! You were on the hero-ine for a year more than me but methadone a year less? I think so? I lost five on methadone! You only lost four! Methadone's worse! Aye, for some! Methadone's worse! We agree, don't we? Methadone's worse than hero-ine, in't it?! Well, no' for me! Oh, no, not for you, not for Princess! Well, I thought a lot about heroin over the last couple of months, despite having lost everything to it.
It's just the pressure.
Lost everything? Pretty much.
Lose your daughter to the Social? My sons? Well, getting two weans back is better than getting one! I've no' got them back! Methadone's worse! What?! This isnae a competition, hen! Can I get a shot? You've lost three year to heroin, right? Another five tae methadone? Well, I've lost three to heroin, but I only lost three to methadone.
SENTIMENTAL MUSIC Awright? Come here, you, ya bastard! Want the plate? Want the plate? There I'll rub your face in it! Gaun', ya bastard! Oh, my God! What happened? HE SOBS TENSE MUSIC How about YOU? Hmm? Hmmmm?