Lip Sync Battle (2015) s01e15 Episode Script
Abbi Jacobson vs. Ilana Glazer
Friends say it's fine, friends say it's good Everybody says it's just like rock 'n' roll Ohhhhhhh Well, it's plain to see you were meant for me, yeah And I'm your boy, your 20th century toy He's gone gold, he's gone platinum.
Now let's see you go crazy.
It's your host, LL Cool J.
You got to love that right there.
Welcome to "Lip Sync Battle".
You know what it is.
You've seen it on TV, online, everywhere, so you know the game is simple.
Two stars lip-sync two songs.
The audience decides who did it the best, okay? They pick songs knowing the audience is looking for style, lip-sync ability, and just overall skills to pay the bills, okay? Here to help me is our color commentator.
She's the voice of the people, the C.
E.
O.
of sync.
She's the lovely and talented, my girl Chrissy Teigen! Everywhere I g-g-g-g-go, all they do is stare and stare All they do is stare and stare Oh! All they do is stare and stare All they do is stare and stare All they do is stare and stare Go Chrissy, go Chrissy! So, Chrissy, will you show them the Championship belt? Can I "Price Is Right" it for you? Yeah, yeah.
You can't wear any of those other trophies, you know what I'm saying? You can wear our prize.
This is real, all right.
So, are you ready for an epic battle? Let's welcome our performers.
They're a comedy team of equals until after tonight.
First up, from "Broad City" Abbi Jacobson! Yo! Here we go! Hey! And now, let's meet Abbi's opponent.
Her comedy partner from "Broad City" her about-to-be-former BFF Ilana Glazer! All right, all right, all right.
Okay.
To see who goes first, we asked Ilana, and she said they both agreed she would.
That's how it goes.
But Abbi slipped me $5, okay, so, Ilana, have a seat in the VIP lounge.
Abbi, come on over.
We're about to get it in.
Oh, man.
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
You ready to go to war? Oh, I am.
I've never been so ready in my entire life.
- You're super ready.
- It's own right now, yes.
- You're absolutely ready.
- Feel good.
- New York ready.
- Yeah, I feel New York good! Yes! Everybody say "New York good!" New York good! All right, so, what's your first song you picked? Ooh, I can finally reveal it.
Yeah, yeah, you can.
All right, my first song tonight will be "The Humpty Dance.
" Here with her faux performance, Abbi Jacobson with "The Humpty Dance.
" Oh, my God, Abbi.
All right, stop whatcha doing 'Cause I'm about to ruin The image and the style that you used to I look funny But yo, I'm makin' money, see So, yo, world, I hope you're ready for me Now gather round, I'm the new fool in town, And my sound's laid down by the Underground I drink up all the Hennessy you got on your shelf So just let me introduce myself My name is Humpty, pronounced with an "umpty" Yo ladies, oh, how I like to hump thee And all the rappers in the top 10 Please allow me to bump thee I'm steppin' tall, y'all, and just like Humpty Dumpty You're gonna fall when the stereos pump me I like to rhyme, I like my beats funky I'm spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy I'm sick with this, straight gangsta mack But sometimes I get ridiculous I'll eat up all your crackers and your licorice Hey, yo, fat girl, come here, are you ticklish? Yeah, I called you fat Look at me, I'm skinny It never stopped me from gettin' busy I'm a freak, I like the girls with the boom I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom I'm crazy, allow me to amaze thee They say I'm ugly but it just don't faze me I'm still gettin' in the girls' pants And I even got my own dance The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump - Come on! - Ooh, baby Do the Humpty Hump, come on and do the Humpty Hump Check it out, y'all.
Do the Humpty Hump, just watch me do the Humpty Hump Do you know what I'm doin'? Doin' the Humpty Hump Come on.
Do the Humpty Hump, do the Humpty Hump Yo, man.
Why did you pick that song? I know that that song is one of Miss Glazer's sexy songs.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
- Hold, hold, hold, hold.
Let let's back up.
- Yeah.
Are you telling me that the Humpty Hump makes her horny? Yes.
My goal was to psych her out with horny.
- Oh, so have her over-freaked.
- Yes! You know, like like rubbing her back so pulls her checkbook out.
Exactly, yeah.
I feel you.
- Abbi, you and Ilana switch places.
- Okay.
Come on up.
Chill out.
Hang out out in the lounge.
All right, now.
All right, now.
Now, look.
You know, when I look in your eyes, I can see you have the eye of the tiger.
You and me.
I think that's either our connection maybe it's just me, but also I think that could be our connection.
I'm not sure, but thank you.
We're connected, baby.
- Thank you.
- Don't sleep on me.
Ooh! Anyway, anyway, what song is it gonna be? It's gonna be OutKast's "Hey Ya!" Whoa! Okay, This is Ilana Glazer with "Hey Ya!" One, two, three, uh My baby don't mess around because she loves me so And this I know for sho' Uh! But does she really wanna But can't stand to see me walk out the door Hey-y ya Hey ya Hey-y ya Hey ya All right, now.
All right, now, fellas Yeah? Now, what's cooler than being cool? Ice cold! I can't hear you! I say, what's what's cooler than being cool? Ice cold! All right, all right, all right, all right All right, all right, all right, all right All right, all right, all right, all right All right, all right, okay, now, ladies? Yeah? Now, we gonna break this thing down for just a few seconds.
Now, don't have me break this thing down for nothing.
I want to see y'all on y'all's baddest behavior.
Lend me some sugar! I am your neighbor! Oh! Here we go! Shake it, shake shake it, shake it, Shake shake it, shake it, shake shake it, Shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it Shake it like a Polaroid picture Hey-y ya Uh-oh! Hey ya Oh! Thank you, guys.
Thank you, guys.
Thank you.
Whew! Whew! Yo.
Abbi Jacobson Miss "J"? Miss Jacobson? What did you think? What did you think? I think it had promise.
It's about to get ugly.
About to, yeah.
But right now, it's very pretty and cute.
All right, Ilana.
It's time to join Abbi in the lounge.
You guys you guys don't, you know Chrissy, what did you think? I thought they were both fantastic.
Kind of unassuming.
I didn't expect that to come out of either of you, so I was pleased.
But my nipple came out for a second.
So I'm very thrown off by it.
I'm sorry.
I apologize.
But you did great.
So did you, kid.
Sorry.
All righty.
The queen has spoken! We've got two more big songs to go to from Abbi and Ilana.
Stay tuned for more "Lip Sync Battle.
" We'll be right back.
Check it out, y'all Do the Humpty Hump, just watch me do the Humpty Hump Welcome back to "Lip Sync Battle.
" What a great first round, right? That was a great first round.
Now is the time for both these ladies to take it up a notch.
They need to leave it all on the floor, 'cause this round is for the win, okay? Let's take a look at how Abbi got ready for the battle.
So, we found out about doing the show about six months and, like, 17 days ago.
And ever since, I felt like I've got to get on my game.
So, I got a good coach.
It's not big deal 'cause it was like I can write it off, taxes and stuff.
We should have him on the show, no joke.
I'd hook up with him.
Cheers.
Ilana and my relationship, um it's sad, actually, what's happened since we found out about the show.
She's been She's been hiding things.
I brought in a couple outfits to show her what I was maybe gonna wear, and it was a mistake.
I shouldn't have done that.
You know what, I don't can we just like, I don't want to talk about it.
I think we should just stop there.
And I am telling you I'm not going Even though the rough times are showing There's just no way There's no way Time and time we've had so much to see And, no, no, no, no, no, no way I'm not waking up tomorrow morning And finding that there's nobody thereee Darling there's no way No, no, no, no way I'm living without you I'm not living without you You see, there's just no way There's no way Tear down the mountains, yell, scream and shout You can say what you want, I'm not walking out Stop all the rivers, push, strike, and kill I'm not gonna leave you, there's no way I willllll And I am telling you I'm not going You're the best man I'll ever know There's no way I could ever, ever go No, no, there's no way No, no, no, no way I'm living without you I'm not living without you, not living without you I don't wanna be free I'm staying, I'm staying And you, and you, and you You're gonna love meeee You're gonna looove me Yes, you are Yes, you are, yeah Damn! Hold up, hold up, hold up.
You cook some soul food, I'm finished.
Jennifer Holliday originated it.
Jennifer Hudson won an Oscar for it.
Why did you connect with it? Again, um, it's one of Ilana's sex songs.
Oh! So I was like, "I'm gonna bring this even harder, like to another level," because I know that that's like that's like third on the playlist, which is like in baseball, that's a good hitter, right? Really? Well, I think I know what you're trying to say.
Yeah, I know.
Ilana, did you know Abbi had that in her? I did.
And that's why I've had to pretend that I'm not terrified.
Wow.
Abbi, go hang out in the VIP lounge.
It's great.
Now, for the "Broad City" comedy team, who wins is no laughing matter.
We'll be right back with more "Lip Sync Battle.
" You're gonna love me Everybody says it's just like rock 'n' roll Welcome back to "Lip Sync Battle.
" In just a few minutes, we're gonna find out whether Ilana or Abbi takes home the ultimate prize, our Lip Sync Championship belt.
We know both of our stars were relentless in the training for tonight.
Let's see how Ilana got ready.
So, I've definitely been preparing my whole life for this moment, but also specifically since we found out about this show.
I've been listening to songs that I love and not singing.
I've been really, like, holding my ears down and doing, like, a lot of this.
Abbi and I are business partners and creative partners, but tonight, I don't care.
We are stranger-enemies.
I'm really mad.
This is Anthony.
How you doing? Don't touch man man.
Whatever Chrissy Teigen says, she gets.
She gets.
Well, my biggest lip sync inspiration is Ashlee Simpson.
I'm gonna honor her tonight.
Humidity is rising Mm! Barometer's getting low How low, girl? According to all sources What source? The street's the place to go 'Cause tonight for the first time Just about half-past 10:00 For the first time in history It's gonna start raining men It's raining men, hallelujah It's raining men, amen I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get Absolutely soaking wet It's raining men, hallelujah It's raining men, every specimen Tall, blonde, dark, and lean Rough and tough and strong and mean God bless mother nature She's a single woman, too She took off to heaven And she did what she had to do She taught every angel She rearranged the sky So that each and every woman Could find her perfect guyyy Ooh, it's raining men, yeah Holy cow! What do I do with this? Wow.
What does that song mean to you? Like ? To me, that song means that there are men everywhere waiting to be scooped up, ladies.
Let's do this! Let's get dudes and do stuff to them! They're like, "What?" So, Abbi, are you drenched, or was it a dry spell? What do you think? No, that was good.
- That was really good.
- She drenched! - I'm drenched.
- Whoo! She wet.
Chrissy, be good.
What did you think? I thought it was fabulous! Whoo! This is funny.
Okay, stay tuned to see who wins the Lip Sync Championship belt.
We'll find out in a moment.
It's raining men, hallelujah It's raining men Everybody says it's just like rock 'n' roll Welcome back to "Lip Sync Battle.
" You've seen amazing performances by two comics who proved they can lip sync like pros.
That is absolutely the truth, right? And now, the moment has come.
Chrissy, the belt, please.
All right.
Are you guys ready? Is the winner Abbi Jacobson? Or is the winner Ilana Glazer? And the winner and "Lip Sync Battle" champion is Ilana Glazer! Take a walk.
It might have been them six packs saying "hallelujah.
" Oh, yeah.
Walk it out.
Walk it out.
Wipe it down.
So, so, so, so, so oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
It's okay.
I'll hold it for you.
I'll hold it for you.
I feel good.
I still feel really good.
Now, will you wear it or will you display it? I will both wear it, and then I'll display it in our office, so we will be sharing it.
- Aww! - Okay.
I was gonna force Abbi to do the same thing if it had been her.
So, what's the feeling right now? What's the what are you feeling right now? Heavy metal glitter.
I'm gonna go Ooh! We did it.
We did this show! We had another fantastic night.
Make sure to check out our next lip sync battle.
I'm LL Cool J.
From, me, Chrissy, and everyone in the "Lip Sync" crew, goodnight.
And remember, knock 'em out the box, L.
Knock 'em out, L.
Make some noise! Don't try to fight the feeling 'Cause the thought alone is killin' me right now Hey-y ya Hey ya We love you.
We love you.
Thank you for coming.
We appreciate you so much.
Hey-y ya All right, now All right, now, fellas Yeah? Now, what's cooler than being cool?
Now let's see you go crazy.
It's your host, LL Cool J.
You got to love that right there.
Welcome to "Lip Sync Battle".
You know what it is.
You've seen it on TV, online, everywhere, so you know the game is simple.
Two stars lip-sync two songs.
The audience decides who did it the best, okay? They pick songs knowing the audience is looking for style, lip-sync ability, and just overall skills to pay the bills, okay? Here to help me is our color commentator.
She's the voice of the people, the C.
E.
O.
of sync.
She's the lovely and talented, my girl Chrissy Teigen! Everywhere I g-g-g-g-go, all they do is stare and stare All they do is stare and stare Oh! All they do is stare and stare All they do is stare and stare All they do is stare and stare Go Chrissy, go Chrissy! So, Chrissy, will you show them the Championship belt? Can I "Price Is Right" it for you? Yeah, yeah.
You can't wear any of those other trophies, you know what I'm saying? You can wear our prize.
This is real, all right.
So, are you ready for an epic battle? Let's welcome our performers.
They're a comedy team of equals until after tonight.
First up, from "Broad City" Abbi Jacobson! Yo! Here we go! Hey! And now, let's meet Abbi's opponent.
Her comedy partner from "Broad City" her about-to-be-former BFF Ilana Glazer! All right, all right, all right.
Okay.
To see who goes first, we asked Ilana, and she said they both agreed she would.
That's how it goes.
But Abbi slipped me $5, okay, so, Ilana, have a seat in the VIP lounge.
Abbi, come on over.
We're about to get it in.
Oh, man.
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
You ready to go to war? Oh, I am.
I've never been so ready in my entire life.
- You're super ready.
- It's own right now, yes.
- You're absolutely ready.
- Feel good.
- New York ready.
- Yeah, I feel New York good! Yes! Everybody say "New York good!" New York good! All right, so, what's your first song you picked? Ooh, I can finally reveal it.
Yeah, yeah, you can.
All right, my first song tonight will be "The Humpty Dance.
" Here with her faux performance, Abbi Jacobson with "The Humpty Dance.
" Oh, my God, Abbi.
All right, stop whatcha doing 'Cause I'm about to ruin The image and the style that you used to I look funny But yo, I'm makin' money, see So, yo, world, I hope you're ready for me Now gather round, I'm the new fool in town, And my sound's laid down by the Underground I drink up all the Hennessy you got on your shelf So just let me introduce myself My name is Humpty, pronounced with an "umpty" Yo ladies, oh, how I like to hump thee And all the rappers in the top 10 Please allow me to bump thee I'm steppin' tall, y'all, and just like Humpty Dumpty You're gonna fall when the stereos pump me I like to rhyme, I like my beats funky I'm spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy I'm sick with this, straight gangsta mack But sometimes I get ridiculous I'll eat up all your crackers and your licorice Hey, yo, fat girl, come here, are you ticklish? Yeah, I called you fat Look at me, I'm skinny It never stopped me from gettin' busy I'm a freak, I like the girls with the boom I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom I'm crazy, allow me to amaze thee They say I'm ugly but it just don't faze me I'm still gettin' in the girls' pants And I even got my own dance The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump - Come on! - Ooh, baby Do the Humpty Hump, come on and do the Humpty Hump Check it out, y'all.
Do the Humpty Hump, just watch me do the Humpty Hump Do you know what I'm doin'? Doin' the Humpty Hump Come on.
Do the Humpty Hump, do the Humpty Hump Yo, man.
Why did you pick that song? I know that that song is one of Miss Glazer's sexy songs.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
- Hold, hold, hold, hold.
Let let's back up.
- Yeah.
Are you telling me that the Humpty Hump makes her horny? Yes.
My goal was to psych her out with horny.
- Oh, so have her over-freaked.
- Yes! You know, like like rubbing her back so pulls her checkbook out.
Exactly, yeah.
I feel you.
- Abbi, you and Ilana switch places.
- Okay.
Come on up.
Chill out.
Hang out out in the lounge.
All right, now.
All right, now.
Now, look.
You know, when I look in your eyes, I can see you have the eye of the tiger.
You and me.
I think that's either our connection maybe it's just me, but also I think that could be our connection.
I'm not sure, but thank you.
We're connected, baby.
- Thank you.
- Don't sleep on me.
Ooh! Anyway, anyway, what song is it gonna be? It's gonna be OutKast's "Hey Ya!" Whoa! Okay, This is Ilana Glazer with "Hey Ya!" One, two, three, uh My baby don't mess around because she loves me so And this I know for sho' Uh! But does she really wanna But can't stand to see me walk out the door Hey-y ya Hey ya Hey-y ya Hey ya All right, now.
All right, now, fellas Yeah? Now, what's cooler than being cool? Ice cold! I can't hear you! I say, what's what's cooler than being cool? Ice cold! All right, all right, all right, all right All right, all right, all right, all right All right, all right, all right, all right All right, all right, okay, now, ladies? Yeah? Now, we gonna break this thing down for just a few seconds.
Now, don't have me break this thing down for nothing.
I want to see y'all on y'all's baddest behavior.
Lend me some sugar! I am your neighbor! Oh! Here we go! Shake it, shake shake it, shake it, Shake shake it, shake it, shake shake it, Shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it Shake it like a Polaroid picture Hey-y ya Uh-oh! Hey ya Oh! Thank you, guys.
Thank you, guys.
Thank you.
Whew! Whew! Yo.
Abbi Jacobson Miss "J"? Miss Jacobson? What did you think? What did you think? I think it had promise.
It's about to get ugly.
About to, yeah.
But right now, it's very pretty and cute.
All right, Ilana.
It's time to join Abbi in the lounge.
You guys you guys don't, you know Chrissy, what did you think? I thought they were both fantastic.
Kind of unassuming.
I didn't expect that to come out of either of you, so I was pleased.
But my nipple came out for a second.
So I'm very thrown off by it.
I'm sorry.
I apologize.
But you did great.
So did you, kid.
Sorry.
All righty.
The queen has spoken! We've got two more big songs to go to from Abbi and Ilana.
Stay tuned for more "Lip Sync Battle.
" We'll be right back.
Check it out, y'all Do the Humpty Hump, just watch me do the Humpty Hump Welcome back to "Lip Sync Battle.
" What a great first round, right? That was a great first round.
Now is the time for both these ladies to take it up a notch.
They need to leave it all on the floor, 'cause this round is for the win, okay? Let's take a look at how Abbi got ready for the battle.
So, we found out about doing the show about six months and, like, 17 days ago.
And ever since, I felt like I've got to get on my game.
So, I got a good coach.
It's not big deal 'cause it was like I can write it off, taxes and stuff.
We should have him on the show, no joke.
I'd hook up with him.
Cheers.
Ilana and my relationship, um it's sad, actually, what's happened since we found out about the show.
She's been She's been hiding things.
I brought in a couple outfits to show her what I was maybe gonna wear, and it was a mistake.
I shouldn't have done that.
You know what, I don't can we just like, I don't want to talk about it.
I think we should just stop there.
And I am telling you I'm not going Even though the rough times are showing There's just no way There's no way Time and time we've had so much to see And, no, no, no, no, no, no way I'm not waking up tomorrow morning And finding that there's nobody thereee Darling there's no way No, no, no, no way I'm living without you I'm not living without you You see, there's just no way There's no way Tear down the mountains, yell, scream and shout You can say what you want, I'm not walking out Stop all the rivers, push, strike, and kill I'm not gonna leave you, there's no way I willllll And I am telling you I'm not going You're the best man I'll ever know There's no way I could ever, ever go No, no, there's no way No, no, no, no way I'm living without you I'm not living without you, not living without you I don't wanna be free I'm staying, I'm staying And you, and you, and you You're gonna love meeee You're gonna looove me Yes, you are Yes, you are, yeah Damn! Hold up, hold up, hold up.
You cook some soul food, I'm finished.
Jennifer Holliday originated it.
Jennifer Hudson won an Oscar for it.
Why did you connect with it? Again, um, it's one of Ilana's sex songs.
Oh! So I was like, "I'm gonna bring this even harder, like to another level," because I know that that's like that's like third on the playlist, which is like in baseball, that's a good hitter, right? Really? Well, I think I know what you're trying to say.
Yeah, I know.
Ilana, did you know Abbi had that in her? I did.
And that's why I've had to pretend that I'm not terrified.
Wow.
Abbi, go hang out in the VIP lounge.
It's great.
Now, for the "Broad City" comedy team, who wins is no laughing matter.
We'll be right back with more "Lip Sync Battle.
" You're gonna love me Everybody says it's just like rock 'n' roll Welcome back to "Lip Sync Battle.
" In just a few minutes, we're gonna find out whether Ilana or Abbi takes home the ultimate prize, our Lip Sync Championship belt.
We know both of our stars were relentless in the training for tonight.
Let's see how Ilana got ready.
So, I've definitely been preparing my whole life for this moment, but also specifically since we found out about this show.
I've been listening to songs that I love and not singing.
I've been really, like, holding my ears down and doing, like, a lot of this.
Abbi and I are business partners and creative partners, but tonight, I don't care.
We are stranger-enemies.
I'm really mad.
This is Anthony.
How you doing? Don't touch man man.
Whatever Chrissy Teigen says, she gets.
She gets.
Well, my biggest lip sync inspiration is Ashlee Simpson.
I'm gonna honor her tonight.
Humidity is rising Mm! Barometer's getting low How low, girl? According to all sources What source? The street's the place to go 'Cause tonight for the first time Just about half-past 10:00 For the first time in history It's gonna start raining men It's raining men, hallelujah It's raining men, amen I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get Absolutely soaking wet It's raining men, hallelujah It's raining men, every specimen Tall, blonde, dark, and lean Rough and tough and strong and mean God bless mother nature She's a single woman, too She took off to heaven And she did what she had to do She taught every angel She rearranged the sky So that each and every woman Could find her perfect guyyy Ooh, it's raining men, yeah Holy cow! What do I do with this? Wow.
What does that song mean to you? Like ? To me, that song means that there are men everywhere waiting to be scooped up, ladies.
Let's do this! Let's get dudes and do stuff to them! They're like, "What?" So, Abbi, are you drenched, or was it a dry spell? What do you think? No, that was good.
- That was really good.
- She drenched! - I'm drenched.
- Whoo! She wet.
Chrissy, be good.
What did you think? I thought it was fabulous! Whoo! This is funny.
Okay, stay tuned to see who wins the Lip Sync Championship belt.
We'll find out in a moment.
It's raining men, hallelujah It's raining men Everybody says it's just like rock 'n' roll Welcome back to "Lip Sync Battle.
" You've seen amazing performances by two comics who proved they can lip sync like pros.
That is absolutely the truth, right? And now, the moment has come.
Chrissy, the belt, please.
All right.
Are you guys ready? Is the winner Abbi Jacobson? Or is the winner Ilana Glazer? And the winner and "Lip Sync Battle" champion is Ilana Glazer! Take a walk.
It might have been them six packs saying "hallelujah.
" Oh, yeah.
Walk it out.
Walk it out.
Wipe it down.
So, so, so, so, so oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
It's okay.
I'll hold it for you.
I'll hold it for you.
I feel good.
I still feel really good.
Now, will you wear it or will you display it? I will both wear it, and then I'll display it in our office, so we will be sharing it.
- Aww! - Okay.
I was gonna force Abbi to do the same thing if it had been her.
So, what's the feeling right now? What's the what are you feeling right now? Heavy metal glitter.
I'm gonna go Ooh! We did it.
We did this show! We had another fantastic night.
Make sure to check out our next lip sync battle.
I'm LL Cool J.
From, me, Chrissy, and everyone in the "Lip Sync" crew, goodnight.
And remember, knock 'em out the box, L.
Knock 'em out, L.
Make some noise! Don't try to fight the feeling 'Cause the thought alone is killin' me right now Hey-y ya Hey ya We love you.
We love you.
Thank you for coming.
We appreciate you so much.
Hey-y ya All right, now All right, now, fellas Yeah? Now, what's cooler than being cool?