Lip Sync Battle (2015) s01e90 Episode Script

1 Tonight on Lip Sync Battle UK, things are about to get very festive.
In the spirit of Christmas, we don't want to spoil surprises of who is on the show.
- Come on, tell us who's on the show.
- No, I can't.
- Tell me who it is.
- No, it's a surprise.
- Tell me who it is.
- No.
No, I'm not gonna.
No, no.
- Give me a clue.
- No.
- Oh, all right.
- EASTENDERS DOOF DOOFS PLAY CHEERING This is Lip Sync Battle UK! Friends say it's fine friends say it's good Everybody says it's just like rock and roll Well it's plain to see You were meant for me, yeah I'm your boy your twentieth century toy.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Getting you in the festive spirit tonight is someone you wouldn't mind finding in your Christmas stocking, it's our very own sexy Santa, make some noise for Mel B! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Wow! Welcome to Lip Sync Battle UK! CHEERING OK, now, the game is simple.
Two stars lip-sync and the audience decide who did it best.
The mics may be off, but the battle is definitely on.
CHEERING Joining me here, as always, is the man who puts the "rap" in Christmas wrapping, he's my little helper, Professor Green.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Do you know what? Nice jumper, by the way.
- It's all right, innit? - I like it a lot.
- Do you want to know who made it? - Who made it? - My auntie.
- So you have to wear it.
I do, my Auntie Emma made it.
It's really special, as well.
CHEERING I like it.
So, first up, we have a man who's used to pulling pints.
Here is Mr Shane Richie.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And we are over the MOON to have this KAT joining us tonight, give it up for the gorgeous Jessie Wallace.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Look at her! So, you two, how are you both feeling about this tonight? I am so up for this.
Don't let me down, everybody, OK? We've been rehearsing all year for this, all right? Since we left Albert Square and, Jessie, you're going down tonight.
- No, you are.
- No, I'm sorry, love, it's all over.
- You are so going down.
- No, it's all over.
Fighting talk do you think that you can win this? It's already in the bag.
Ain't that right, Pro? - Bunged you a few quid, all right? - Not quite enough.
Listen, I'm all about the girl power vibe.
Jessie, you're going to take him down, aren't you? I'm going to take him down, as hard as I can.
My girl, my girl, give me a high-five.
CHEERING OK, Pro, I've got to ask you, what are you expecting from these two tonight? As a married couple at Christmas, pretty much what we've already seen, - the domestic.
- Exactly! As this is a special show, I decided you're going to do the first song together.
- Yes, we are.
- OK.
So, tell everyone what you're going to sing for us.
Tonight, we are both going to be doing Fairytale Of New York.
- Yes! - CHEERING Performing Fairytale Of New York, here's Shane and Jessie.
CHEERING MUSIC: Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl They've got cars big as bars They've got rivers of gold But the wind goes right through you It's no place for the old When you first took my hand on a cold Christmas Eve You promised me Broadway was waiting for me You were handsome You were pretty Queen of New York City BOTH: When the band finished playing they howled out for more Sinatra was swinging all the drunks they were singing We kissed on the corner then danced through the night The boys of the NYPD choir were singing Galway Bay And the bells were ringing out for Christmas Day You're a bum, you're a punk You're an old slut on junk Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed You scumbag, you maggot you cheap lousy faggot Happy Christmas, your arse I pray God it's our last The boys of the NYPD choir still singing Galway Bay And the bells are ringing out for Christmas Day.
CHEERING So, I see you were both joined by a Christmas angel.
CHEERING Johnny, what are you doing up there? - Do you remember last year? - Yeah.
- You did the show.
- Yeah? Yeah? You all recorded it, - had a lot of fun.
- Yeah.
- A lot of hijinks.
- Yep.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- You went home.
- Yeah.
- Watched it on the telly? - Yeah.
I've been up there! - Since - A full year and nobody's come looking for me.
You're lucky I've got eczema cos that's all I've had to eat.
APPLAUSE Shane and Jessie, thank you so much for that, that was lovely.
- Please cut me down.
- OK.
Be quiet, you! - Listen, you two, don't get too cosy - No.
- because this is a proper battle, you know? - I know.
Like, for real and it's for that championship belt right there.
CHEERING One of you is going to be going home with it.
Hold on a minute, are you wearing a different Christmas jumper? Listen, you said we've got to do the Christmas episode, I said I'd there with bells on and here I am.
- BELLS JINGLE - Oh, my gosh.
- Do you want to know who made this one? - Who made it? - My other auntie.
- Oh, right.
Yeah, she married into the family, she's well posh.
- Her name's Victoria.
- Auntie Victoria! Like it! So, listen, we decided who goes first and I checked Santa's naughty list and, Jessie, you've been good so you get to go first.
- Oh! Oh, come on, girl! - CHEERING Shane, get yourself over to the VIP bar.
- He's saying loser! - It's all over, love.
It's all over.
- Don't be nervous, all right? - So, listen SHANE LAUGHS - Jessie, you're next.
- Right.
- OK.
- Are you ready for this? I am ready, yeah.
JOHNNY: I'm really excited for you, but there's no more blood running to my genitalia.
Now, because you're mates, is this more important for you to, like, beat him? Yeah, it is.
I know I'll do it.
I know I'll do it.
First to take to the stage is Jessie, so let's see how she got ready for tonight's performance, shall we? Brrr! I've known Shane for about 16 years, but to be totally honest, I really fucking hate him.
- Oh, God, here he comes.
- Oh, here you are.
Here's the lady that's going to come second tonight.
We've been together 15 years playing husband and wife and, you know, we're friends off-screen as well.
Shane absolutely does my head in and the only reason I'm doing this was to just have one day away from him and I turn up and he's doing it.
He's just a pain in the arse.
Shane Richie, you're not a real eastender, you're a real bellender.
Jess, it's me, love.
Open up.
Oh, fuck off! She obviously thinks it's someone else.
What was I saying? Right, I bet this is from Shane.
Wonder what Oh! Surprise! Oh, fuck! - Surprise! - You're a dickhead.
Surprise, you dopey cow! Sometimes he'll make a joke and not everyone finds it funny.
He just really gets on my tits.
Tell you what, I'm going to give Jessie a quick call, all right? Look, will you just leave me alone?! She's nervous.
All I've got to say to Shane is, beware.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING MUSIC: Get The Party Started by Pink I'm comin' up so you better get this party started I'm comin' up so you better get this party started Get this party started on a Saturday night Everybody's waitin' for me to arrive Sendin' out the message to all of my friends We'll be lookin' flashy in my Mercedes Benz I got lotsa style, got my gold diamond rings I can go for miles if you know what I mean I'm comin' up so you better get this party started I'm comin' up, I'm comin' I'm comin' up so you better get this party started Pumpin' up the volume breakin down' to the beat Cruisin' through the west side we'll be checkin' the scene Boulevard is freakin' as I'm comin' up fast I'll be burnin' rubber you'll be kissin' my ass Pull up to the bumper get out of the car Licence plate says stunner number one superstar I'm comin' up so you better get this party started I'm comin' up, you better I'm comin' up so you better get this party started Get this party started.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jessie! Jessie! Jessie! She's got us off to a right flying start, didn't she? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Now, how did that feel for you? - It felt good.
Because I was nervous, I got a few of the words wrong but I'll still be better than him! CHEERING Shane, what did you think of Jessie? It was wonderful.
She looked great.
The song was great.
But that was just the warm-up to a real party.
Oh! It's all over now, sugar tits.
LAUGHTER Pro Green, did you think of Jessie? - Was she sparkly enough for you tonight? - Yeah.
The words you didn't get wrong were "kiss my arse".
There you go! Hold on.
You've got another Christmas jumper on.
Yeah.
Do you like this one? It's got bells on it as well.
- I do like that one.
- You've just got to change it up.
It's normally you with the outfit changes, you know I mean? Oh! Your body, it's shrunk! No, no, no.
My other aunt made me this.
I've got an aunt called Mel.
My aunt Mel made it but she's got bad eyesight.
She thinks I'm bigger than I am.
Like a lot of women.
Oh, my God! My God.
Well, you know what? It's time for a break now but do not go anywhere, because Shane will be lowering the tone as he battles Jessie for the best Christmas present you could ever wish for.
It's the Lip Sync Battle Championship belt! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to Lip Sync Battle UK.
So far tonight, Jessie has got the party started.
And Shane has just been sat there at the bar with Johnny, drinking our Christmas booze.
Beautiful night.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
See? We like that.
You've changed your jumper again.
- I have.
My other auntie made this one.
- Who's that? Auntie Geri.
Right.
So, how many jumpers is that that you've had on? This is the fourth one, I think.
It was Auntie Emma, Auntie Mel, Auntie the posh auntie, Victoria.
And - My God! I get it now! - and Auntie Geri.
LAUGHTER I am so far behind! SHE LAUGHS - Oh, my God! So, basically - This was She's a redhead, Geri.
- Geri? - We love Geri! I love Geri! Kind of.
Anyway, Shane, you've seen Jessie up there.
Do you think you've got the baubles to beat her? It's all over.
We're ready for the top of the bill now.
All right.
First, let's take a look at what you've been doing to get in the mood for your Christmas battle, shall we? Well, here we are.
It's the Lip Sync Battle Christmas Special.
This really is going to cap off the year.
Sometimes, the problem is trying to keep away from the drama, because sometimes it just follows you into real life.
OK.
A bit of aftershave.
I don't believe it.
No, no.
please.
I'm out of aftershave.
EASTENDERS DOOF DOOFS PLAY This is backstage now.
This is where the magic almost happens.
Look at this! It's got elements of the Queen Vic about it, hasn't it? She's very nervous.
She's pretending she's not, but look.
That's not baggy trousers she's actually shit herself.
Don't be fooled by her voice.
AS JESSIE: She does talk like that.
I want to know what song you're doing on Lip Sync Battle Christmas Special.
What are you doing about your make-up? It's one thing standing in front of a mirror that this is all about lip-syncing.
Jessie? Loser.
I'm really excited about tonight, what with Mel C It's Mel B.
It's Mel B? Oh, no.
EASTENDERS DOOF DOOFS PLAY VINYL SCRATCHES Who's that? Don't worry about him.
He just follows me everywhere.
Ignore him.
(Go away.
Go away.
) Tonight, Jessie Wallace, you are a loser, sweetheart.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Shawty had them apple bottom jeans Boots with the fur With the fur The whole club was looking at her She hit the floor Next thing you know Shawty got low low low low low low low low Them baggy sweat pants and the Reeboks with the straps She turned around and gave that big booty a smack She hit the floor Next thing you know Shawty got low low low low low low low low I ain't never seen nothing that'll make me go this crazy all night Spending my dough Had a million-dollar vibe and a bottle to go Dem birthday cakes, they stole the show, so sexual, she was flexible Professional, drinking X and O Hold up, wait a minute do I see what I think I, whoa Did I think I seen shawty get low ain't the same When it's up that close Make it rain, I'm making it snow work the pole, I got the bankroll I'mma say that I prefer them no clothes I'm into that I love women exposed She threw it back at me I gave her more Cash ain't a problem I know where it goes Shawty had them apple bottom jeans boots with the fur With the fur The whole club was looking at her She hit the floor Next thing you know Shawty got low low low low low low low low Them baggy sweat pants and the Reebok's with the straps She turned around and gave that big booty a smack She hit the floor Next thing you know Shawty got low low low low low low low low.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE WHOOPING Look at you! You were pimping! I can't breathe.
Giving it some! I can't breathe.
Give me a second.
Hold on.
I'll let you catch your breath.
I noticed you have a dodgy-looking bouncer in the background.
LAUGHTER So, listen.
Now I know why you were so confident.
Did you like it? I've seen a different side to you.
Seriously.
What did you think to this? - I saw you laughing.
- It was brilliant.
Loved it.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Pro Green? - Don't let me down, love.
- I was watching for the lip-syncing.
- You actually did really bloody well.
- Thank you, mate.
He did.
He did.
I was saying that to Jessie.
I was saying, he's giving it, he's spitting out the proper things.
This, that and the other.
You were really good.
I've got Flo Rida inside me.
Ooh! LAUGHTER - He's a big bloke.
- He's a lovely chap, as well.
LAUGHTER Stop it! So far, Pro Green, we've had two cracking performances.
What have been your highlights? Obviously, Shane's lip-syncing but Jessie really did get me into the Christmas spirit.
CHEERING Well, listen, it all comes down to this.
Let's see who will be crowned Lip Sync Battle champion tonight.
- Jessie, come and join me.
- Come on, darling.
Professor Green, the belt, please.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, we've heard what Pro Green thinks.
But it's up to you the audience.
You the audience decide who the winner is.
Are you ready? Is the winner Shane? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND WHOOPING Or Jessie.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That was so close.
OK, I've got to do it again.
Is the winner Shane? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE All right, all right.
Or is the winner Jessie? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND WHOOPING OK.
So, the winner and the Lip Sync Battle champion is Shane.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, I know he's your mate, but are you a little bit devastated? A little bit.
He deserves it.
- He does deserve it.
- He deserves it.
It was brilliant.
- It was much better than I thought it would be.
- This is wonderful.
It's a great honour to win the Lip Sync Battle at Christmas.
But as me and Jessie have been mates for 16 years, it's only fair that, as it's Christmas, we share it.
AUDIENCE: Aw! Aw! But weren't they both incredible tonight? Give them a big round of applause.
Jessie and Shane.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks to everyone on this Lip Sync Battle UK Christmas show.
- We'll be back in the New Year.
Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: Merry Xmas Everybody by Slade RHYTHMIC CLAPPING Are you hanging up a stocking on your wall? It's the time that every Santa has a ball Does he ride a red-nosed reindeer? Does he turn up on his sleigh? Do the fairies keep him sober for a day? So here it is, merry Christmas Everybody's having fun Look to the future now It's only just begun Are you waiting for the family to arrive? Are you sure you've got the room to spare inside? Does your granny always tell you That the old songs are the best? Then she's up and rock'n'rolling with the rest So here it is, merry Christmas Everybody's having fun Look to the future now It's only just begun What will your daddy do When he sees your mama kissing Santa Claus? Ah-ha Are you hanging up a stocking on your wall? Are you hoping that the snow will start to fall? Do you ride on down the hillside In a buggy you have made? When you land upon your head Then you've been slayed So here it is, merry Christmas Everybody's having fun Look to the future now It's only just begun IT'S EASTER! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Mel? Professor? Not funny any more.
Seriously.
I'm booked in for a panto.