Little Britain (UK) s03e05 Episode Script
Series 3, Episode 5
Britain, Britain, Britain! We have exported so many great things around the world.
Slavery, hooliganism and Starlight Express.
But none of this would have been possible without the people of Britain.
Today, now, we loon at what they Boom! Boom! Boom! Let me hear you say wayoh, wayoh! Bring it on! It's half past Mr Ernest Ndukwe, and Lou and Andy are on their way home from the shops.
Yeah, you look very well.
Had your hair done? - You look lovely, yeah.
- Thank you.
- Really nice like that.
l'll see you later.
- You take care.
Bye.
This patio's gonna look lovely.
You'll be able to sit out here in the summer and sunbathe.
- Yeah, l know.
- Right.
Nearly finished.
- l wanna go on it now.
- Oh, no.
You can't go on it now.
- It's gotta dry first.
- Yeah, l know.
Ooh! Ow Ooh! Me back! Ooh Aah l think something went there.
lt went the other day as well when l carried you to the top of the Post Office Tower.
Ooh Ow Yes lt's right at the base of my spine.
Ooh, yes.
Ah That's got it.
Who done that? A bird.
At this travel agent, Carol Beer is once again working her nuts off.
- So that flight leaves Heathrow on the 8th.
- Yes.
Will you be taking your wife on as hand luggage? - No.
- So you need two seats.
That's all booked for you.
l forgot to ask.
Does that include insurance? Computer says no.
l think we should take some out.
We do offer a very reasonable insurance package here at Sun Searchers.
And that covers us against accidents, does it? Computer says no.
Oh.
So it just covers us against theft? Computer says no.
Medical bills? Computer refers the honourable gentlemen to the answer it gave some moments ago.
- Doesn't sound like it'd be much use.
- No.
We'll leave it.
Thanks.
- We do Sun Searchers Platinum Gold Insurance.
- Oh, yes? - What kind of things does that cover? - Last week, we had a man in Barbados who lost a flip-flop.
We were able to send a replacement flip-flop out to him first class.
- Really? - He just had to cover the cost of the flight.
And the flip-flop.
l think we'll forget about the insurance.
Thank you.
OK.
l'll just give you your tickets then.
It's half past Creed and Paul Rodgers, and in Poop, a couple are getting ready to go out.
Darling? Darling? - Yes? - Have you seen my wallet? lt's by the phone.
- Aren't you going to tell me how l look? - Beautiful.
- That'll be the baby-sitter.
l'll get it.
Hello.
You must be Victoria.
No, but Yeah, but No, but Yeah, but no, cos l'm totally like a baby-sitter.
Come in.
You're a little late.
Don't give me evils.
l was going to be here about half an hour ago but l couldn't because we was all at McDonalds because Jade really fancies this bloke Lee Cherry who went to our school and did the best in his year.
He's got two stars on his badge, one for slicing gherkins and the other for mopping piss.
Anyway Shanita told Lee that Jade really fancies him.
Jade took Lee round the back of the deep fat fryer and showed him her Egg McMuffins.
Hello, there.
l'm Jennifer.
Got any Pernod? Archie's already in bed.
He should be fine.
If he wakes up, don't let him watch cartoons.
Yes, he'll settle better if you read him a book.
- A what? - l hope you don't mind me asking, but have you looked after children much before? Oh, my God.
l so can't believe you just said that.
Shut up! l'm like well good with kids.
Once me and Carrie Delaney was up the Broadmead Centre and she had a baby where you don't know you're pregnant till it comes out.
ln Topshop, it was.
Well graphic.
l had to hold it while she bought a Dayglo hair scrunchie.
And l've actually shat out six kids myself, so does that count, superbitch? - So who's looking after them tonight? - l dunno.
- Taxi's here.
- You will be OK? Yeah.
God, stop getting involved! - Mummy? - Shut up! Like most universities in Britain, this one offers a variety of courses, including a post grad on the life and work of Jayne Middlemiss.
l just need to know the deadline for the Sylvia Plath essay.
Oh, aren't her poems wonderful? She always seems a bit down in the dumps though.
- l love The Bell Jar.
- l thought, cheer up, might never happen.
- Have you tried Jilly Cooper? - No.
Sorry, l just need to know the deadline.
Well, l'm not sure.
Martin'll know.
Martin, it's Linda.
l've got Molly Spencer here.
Wants to know when the Plath essay is due in.
Molly.
You know Molly.
Lovely brown hair, quite petite.
Almost very pretty.
Looks like she's balancing a Malteser on her face.
When you see her, you want to go, ''Careful, there's a bee on you!'' Then you realise.
That's right.
Molly the mole.
- It's Thursday.
- Thanks very much.
# l am a mole and l live in a hole It's half past Mr Miyagi and once again Sir Norman Fry MP has some explaining to do.
l have a statement l would like to read.
Last week, l purchased a new camera, and whist in my office in the House of Commons, l accidentally took a picture of myself naked.
That picture somehow - and l would love to know how - found its way on to Gaydar, which l later discovered to be a dating website for sodomites.
Basically, you pay a flat fee, post your stats online and l was then invited to join a group of gentlemen at a party in Brighton where l was planning to give a talk about education reforms.
However, shortly after my arrival, my clothes accidentally fell off.
At that moment, l slipped on a glacˇ cherry and landed inside one of the men.
As far as l'm concerned that is the end of the matter.
Thank you.
Aren't fat people loathsome? Just look at their stupid fat faces.
I'd like to give them all a punch on the nose, but I can't, I'm too fat.
A snack between meals? Well l like to put a little bit of low fat cottage cheese on some Ryvita.
You can have that as it is or you can deep-fry it.
Now, today's buzz word is motivisation.
Last week, l asked you all to bring in a picture of yourself not looking at your best to act as an incentive next time you reach for that slice of cake.
We like cake, though, don't we? Like a bit of cake, don't we? Yeah? Cake? Give me cake now.
We like cake.
We like cake.
l like cake, though.
l do.
l just like cake.
l like it a lot.
llikecake.
Give me cake! Give me cake! (German accent) l vant ze cake! So, let's have a look at these pictures.
Paul, can you dim the lights, please? Oh, yeah.
l don't wanna hear rustling.
This is not an excuse to eat.
Let's have a look at the first photo, then.
Ooh! At home with the Kumars.
Have you seen that programme? It's actually very funny, cos they're Asian.
So, where was this photo taken, my love? Was this in India or - New Malden.
- We'll never know.
Tell them yeah.
Ooh.
It took guts to bring that one in, my love.
And where was this photo taken? lt was at my sister's 60th.
You mean you still get invited to family do's? Yeah.
lf you were my sister, l would deny knowledge of your existence, but in a caring way.
Bless your overworked heart.
- Oh! Where was this? - New York.
Oh! Did you pig out when you were there? You know what it's like on holiday.
That's why you're here, Paul.
You cannot control your binge eating.
Oh, excuse me for a moment, fat fighters.
Just had to, erblow my nose.
Right.
Let's look at the next picture.
Oh, Mummy, you fat! So, pet.
How does this picture make you feel, my darling? Well, although it was a very happy day, as it was my wedding.
l do think l ook very large in that dress.
Mm.
Did they have to roll you down the aisle? No, l walked.
Brave.
And even though she looked like that, you didn't have second thoughts? You did it? Of course.
l look at Pat and there's a beautiful person inside.
There's a few of 'em.
And now, because it's only fair, here's a picture of me not looking at my best.
Lost a bit of weight since then obviously.
Lights on.
Keep the change.
Hey, no yawning from you.
The night isn't over yet.
Vicky! What are you doing here? You ain't invited.
- Where's Archie? Is he all right? - We sent him down the offie for more fags.
- What? - Don't give me evils.
We gave him fake ID.
Anyway, l am quite busy tying to get off with this bloke if you don't mind, actually.
Get out of my house! Don't worry, we're going.
This party's like well sad anyway.
And l found your pornos, you dirty bastard.
Oh, yeah, and l can do next Tuesday if you want.
How rude! This is a computer shop.
Computers date back to the reign of King Henry VIII.
Computers then were very basic.
You could only really get Pac-man and Snoopy Tennis.
Did you see that Pirates Of The Caribbean? That was lame.
l did not like that.
All right? Yeah, wicked.
l'll call you later.
- Yes, boss.
- Yeah, l bought an XP upgrade for my laptop - but it hasn't installed right.
- OK.
Let's take a look at it then.
This is XP Professional not the home edition.
- Yeah.
- l'm not too good on this.
What l'm gonna do is bring in the horse.
l'm gonna tell the horse what the problem is.
The horse says, did you disable the anti-virus software before installing? ErNo, l didn't.
Talk to me.
Give me your wisdom.
Yeah.
The horse says you need to press F2 which take you into Setup.
Then disable the anti-virus software install XP and it should run fine.
Oh.
Great.
Thank you.
He's a good horse.
One of the best.
Yeah.
Um Actually, l've got a problem with my iPod.
The horse doesn't know anything about iPods.
Come on, bro.
It's just a horse.
Hey, Sanjay.
The geezer ask a horse about a iPod, innit? This young man is what we call a homosexual.
Some people in Britain are heterosexual.
I myself am bisexual.
Well, at my time of life, I can't afford to be too picky.
# Think l'm gonna leave right now # Before l falls any deeper # Think l'm gonna leave right now # For l am feeling weaker and weaker Can you give me a hand with the shopping, Dafydd? l would do, Ma, but l'm a little busy.
l'm updating my Will Young scrapbook.
- Oh, right.
- He's been such an inspiration to me as the only gay in the village.
So brave the way he came out as gay just after he won Pop Idol.
Yes.
Did you remember my Smarties? There you go.
Now, me and your dad have been talking.
We think it was time maybe you got yourself a job.
Oh, l'd love to get myself a job but l can't.
- Why not? - l am a gay.
Oh, rubbish.
There's loads of jobs l'd love to do but can't because of my sexuality.
- Like what? - Hairdresser, airline steward children's TV presenter.
But they simply don't employ the gays.
Of course they do.
And if you got yourself a job, you could rent your own flat.
How can l rent a flat? l'm a gay.
l can just see it now.
''Hello, landlord.
l like men's bottoms.
'' How's that gonna go down? Couldn't you at least sign on? Then we'd have a bit of money coming in.
- l can't go down the Jobcentre.
- Why? Because you're gay? That's right.
l'm a homo.
l'm a bender.
l'm a fairy.
l'm a poofter.
Ma, l'm a bum boy.
l know.
Oh, sorry.
l didn't think l mentioned it.
Well, make yourself useful and help me put the shopping away.
Mother, l am at a critical moment with my Pritt Stick.
Dafydd Oh, l can't lift it.
l'm gay.
- Give it here, you big poof.
- Homophobe! - Don't be so stupid.
- l'm reporting you to ChildLine.
- What? - My own mother rejects me, simply for the crime of wanting men's todgers in my bum-bum.
Good day! In Grumble, just north of Little Moan, lies the home of local Neighbour Watch group leader Sid Pegg.
OK.
Welcome to tonight's meeting of Neighbour Watch.
Now, did anyone witness the events of Sunday afternoon? No.
An empty can of Lilt was kicked down the close by a gang of yob.
- Is that all? - If only it was, Mrs Vicar.
On Monday, less than 24,hours after the Lilt incident, some mindless thug defaced the Lartwood Close road sign.
They put two dots in the Os to make it look like a pair of titties.
There is nothing funny about a pair of women's titties.
Titties are beautiful.
They are, in fact, my favourite part of a lady, apart from the general fanny area.
- Shall l put the turkey burgers on? - Yes, wife.
Turkey burgers go.
Where was l? Titties, fanny, turkey burgers Oh, yes.
Self-defence.
Sometimes it is necessary to arm ourselves which is why l always sleep with this under my pillow.
Another pillow to smother them.
Britain fights back.
- You two married yet? - No.
Shame for the kid.
It'll be a bastard.
Right.
Now can l have a volunteer, please? Lloyd, l saw your hand go up.
All right, little fella? Little Lloyd Snow, number seven.
He rents, he doesn't own.
l don't know if you know.
Lloyd was on The Weakest Link.
l saw you on it.
Sorry.
If people are going to start shouting things out, there's just going to be chaos.
- Wife? - Yes.
Birds Eye potato waffles.
Go.
Right.
Now what do we do if one of these bastards Sorry attacks you in your home.
Now, Lloyd.
You're gonna get me in a headlock and l'm gonna get out of it.
Now, whatever l say, whatever l do, don't let go, OK? - Right.
- OK? Go.
Right.
Yeah.
Tighter, tighter.
That's nothing.
Tighter.
OK, Lloyd.
That's enough.
l beg you, l beg you.
Don't let go! Don't That's how you get out of a headlock.
You just say you've had enough and they should let go.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
- Wife? - Yes? Alphabetti Spaghetti.
Go.
Business is brisk at this fancy-dress shop.
Fancy-dress parties were invented in 1971 by Professor Ian Fancy-Dress Party.
Right.
Well, er, what can l do for you? lf you wouldn't mind.
- Right.
- l've been invited to a fancy-dress party and want to go as the comedian David Baddiel.
David Baddiel? Yes.
Unplanned era, please.
Not The Mary Whitehouse Experience.
You are being a little specific.
l want to go as the author and humorist David Baddiel.
Oh, dear.
One moment.
Margaret? Margaret? Yes? A gentleman here wants to know if we have David Baddiel costumes.
- l don't think so, no.
- She says she doesn't think so, no.
- Oh.
- Oh.
We've got a Punt and Dennis, but l think the Punt's out.
We've got a Punt and Dennis but she thinks the Punt's out.
- No.
- No.
- Ooh, we've got a Stato outfit.
- She says, ooh, we've got a Stato outfit.
No, l only really like David.
- Oh, l don't know what to suggest.
- l'm in no hurry.
Well, l tell you what.
Why don't l try and fashion a David Baddiel outfit out of some of the more nondescript items in the shop.
- That would be most kind.
- If you'd like to wait in our changing room.
And If l give you Rory McGrath's jumper Um Er Martin Clunes's chinos There you go.
And Sanjeev Bhaskar's espadrilles.
And erTery Waite's beard.
Well, how are you getting on? - Well? - Nothing like him.
Thank you very much.
Rugby is very popular in Britain as it allows men to act out sadomasochistic, homoerotic fantasies in the safety of a sporting context.
There.
Looks like Herby Town are gonna lose again.
- Yeah, l know.
- You said it yourself.
The team are strong on power, but lack the finesse to ultimately fulfil their potential.
Yeah, they're crap.
- l'll get meself a tin of pop.
You want one? - No, l'll just have yours.
- Did l miss anything? - No, it's boring.
Meanwhile, the Prime Minister is returning from Parliament, which was opened today by Her Majesty the Queen.
Though for an extra 40 quid, they could have had Kerry McFadden.
Prime Minister.
Here's a summary of the Arab-lsraeli conflict.
Thank you.
Do you have a copy of the draft treaty there? ln the Foreign Secretary's office.
l'll get it.
Would you? - Sebastian.
- Oh, hello, Gregory.
- Were you spying on us through the keyhole? - No, l was checking out a faulty knob.
Really.
- Hi, Prime Minister.
- Hello, Sebastian.
l won't be a moment, Prime Minister.
So are you still taking him to the peace talks? - Could you move down a bit? - Yes, of course.
Yes, he's very up on foreign diplomacy.
l can do that.
l'm up on the foreigndipthing.
This is very complex.
It's the umArabIsraeli conflict.
lt's about reaching an agreement over the Gaza Strip.
l've got an idea.
How about the Israelis have it Monday to Friday, the other lot on weekends? - l don't think that's going to work.
- Ooh, a Trisha special! l don't think so.
No, it's on Channel Five now.
Gone right off.
- Yes.
- Musical chairs.
- How ridiculous.
- Oh, she's getting nasty.
Maybe l should just leave.
Yeah.
You're the one who should go to Israel with him.
You are so up on the Arab-lsraeli conflict and so blatantly in love with him.
- Oh, dear, l've said it! - Sebastian, please.
- Have a great time.
- You're embarrassing yourself.
He's just using you for sex.
- Unbelievable.
- l know.
Where were we? l'd like to make an amendment to page four, paragraph two.
- l don't think the Israelis will go for that.
- Yes, of course.
l do love you, Gregory.
l know, Prime Minister.
Have you ever tried cross-dressing? I did once for about 30 years, but it wasn't really for me.
Just a lady out with a baby, that is all.
- Don't go too far, Jessica.
- OK, Mummy.
Good afternoon.
Not easy being a young mother, is it? - No, no, it isn't.
- How old are yours? Jessica's five and Eliot's six months.
And yours? Oh, just gave birth today.
Just a few hours old, really.
- Very little baby.
Would you like to see her? - OK.
Yeah.
Hello.
Hello! - Isn't she beautiful? - Yes, she's really quite something.
Hark at us.
Two young mothers.
Let's talk about being pregnant and babies and Shit.
- l just need to feed mine.
- Ooh! And me! Men.
They don't know what we go through, do they? What with the long time it's in your tum-tum, and then with it coming out of your looly.
l have a looly.
l am a lady.
A lady's looly.
Got any of them scotch eggs? - OK, Mummy.
- Please do this properly, baby Flo.
When's it my turn to push the pram? - Sshh! - Mummy, why is that man wearing a dress? And why is the fat man with the moustache dressed as a baby? Right.
l've had enough of this.
- Please, baby Flo! - Forget it! They grow up so quickly these days.
Ha-ha! Baby Flo! Baby Flo! If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in tonight's programme, you may like to know that a special helpline has been set up.
I think it's 0 something, and then some other numbers.
There may be a 7 in there somewhere, if that's any help.
Good try.
by somix 2007
Slavery, hooliganism and Starlight Express.
But none of this would have been possible without the people of Britain.
Today, now, we loon at what they Boom! Boom! Boom! Let me hear you say wayoh, wayoh! Bring it on! It's half past Mr Ernest Ndukwe, and Lou and Andy are on their way home from the shops.
Yeah, you look very well.
Had your hair done? - You look lovely, yeah.
- Thank you.
- Really nice like that.
l'll see you later.
- You take care.
Bye.
This patio's gonna look lovely.
You'll be able to sit out here in the summer and sunbathe.
- Yeah, l know.
- Right.
Nearly finished.
- l wanna go on it now.
- Oh, no.
You can't go on it now.
- It's gotta dry first.
- Yeah, l know.
Ooh! Ow Ooh! Me back! Ooh Aah l think something went there.
lt went the other day as well when l carried you to the top of the Post Office Tower.
Ooh Ow Yes lt's right at the base of my spine.
Ooh, yes.
Ah That's got it.
Who done that? A bird.
At this travel agent, Carol Beer is once again working her nuts off.
- So that flight leaves Heathrow on the 8th.
- Yes.
Will you be taking your wife on as hand luggage? - No.
- So you need two seats.
That's all booked for you.
l forgot to ask.
Does that include insurance? Computer says no.
l think we should take some out.
We do offer a very reasonable insurance package here at Sun Searchers.
And that covers us against accidents, does it? Computer says no.
Oh.
So it just covers us against theft? Computer says no.
Medical bills? Computer refers the honourable gentlemen to the answer it gave some moments ago.
- Doesn't sound like it'd be much use.
- No.
We'll leave it.
Thanks.
- We do Sun Searchers Platinum Gold Insurance.
- Oh, yes? - What kind of things does that cover? - Last week, we had a man in Barbados who lost a flip-flop.
We were able to send a replacement flip-flop out to him first class.
- Really? - He just had to cover the cost of the flight.
And the flip-flop.
l think we'll forget about the insurance.
Thank you.
OK.
l'll just give you your tickets then.
It's half past Creed and Paul Rodgers, and in Poop, a couple are getting ready to go out.
Darling? Darling? - Yes? - Have you seen my wallet? lt's by the phone.
- Aren't you going to tell me how l look? - Beautiful.
- That'll be the baby-sitter.
l'll get it.
Hello.
You must be Victoria.
No, but Yeah, but No, but Yeah, but no, cos l'm totally like a baby-sitter.
Come in.
You're a little late.
Don't give me evils.
l was going to be here about half an hour ago but l couldn't because we was all at McDonalds because Jade really fancies this bloke Lee Cherry who went to our school and did the best in his year.
He's got two stars on his badge, one for slicing gherkins and the other for mopping piss.
Anyway Shanita told Lee that Jade really fancies him.
Jade took Lee round the back of the deep fat fryer and showed him her Egg McMuffins.
Hello, there.
l'm Jennifer.
Got any Pernod? Archie's already in bed.
He should be fine.
If he wakes up, don't let him watch cartoons.
Yes, he'll settle better if you read him a book.
- A what? - l hope you don't mind me asking, but have you looked after children much before? Oh, my God.
l so can't believe you just said that.
Shut up! l'm like well good with kids.
Once me and Carrie Delaney was up the Broadmead Centre and she had a baby where you don't know you're pregnant till it comes out.
ln Topshop, it was.
Well graphic.
l had to hold it while she bought a Dayglo hair scrunchie.
And l've actually shat out six kids myself, so does that count, superbitch? - So who's looking after them tonight? - l dunno.
- Taxi's here.
- You will be OK? Yeah.
God, stop getting involved! - Mummy? - Shut up! Like most universities in Britain, this one offers a variety of courses, including a post grad on the life and work of Jayne Middlemiss.
l just need to know the deadline for the Sylvia Plath essay.
Oh, aren't her poems wonderful? She always seems a bit down in the dumps though.
- l love The Bell Jar.
- l thought, cheer up, might never happen.
- Have you tried Jilly Cooper? - No.
Sorry, l just need to know the deadline.
Well, l'm not sure.
Martin'll know.
Martin, it's Linda.
l've got Molly Spencer here.
Wants to know when the Plath essay is due in.
Molly.
You know Molly.
Lovely brown hair, quite petite.
Almost very pretty.
Looks like she's balancing a Malteser on her face.
When you see her, you want to go, ''Careful, there's a bee on you!'' Then you realise.
That's right.
Molly the mole.
- It's Thursday.
- Thanks very much.
# l am a mole and l live in a hole It's half past Mr Miyagi and once again Sir Norman Fry MP has some explaining to do.
l have a statement l would like to read.
Last week, l purchased a new camera, and whist in my office in the House of Commons, l accidentally took a picture of myself naked.
That picture somehow - and l would love to know how - found its way on to Gaydar, which l later discovered to be a dating website for sodomites.
Basically, you pay a flat fee, post your stats online and l was then invited to join a group of gentlemen at a party in Brighton where l was planning to give a talk about education reforms.
However, shortly after my arrival, my clothes accidentally fell off.
At that moment, l slipped on a glacˇ cherry and landed inside one of the men.
As far as l'm concerned that is the end of the matter.
Thank you.
Aren't fat people loathsome? Just look at their stupid fat faces.
I'd like to give them all a punch on the nose, but I can't, I'm too fat.
A snack between meals? Well l like to put a little bit of low fat cottage cheese on some Ryvita.
You can have that as it is or you can deep-fry it.
Now, today's buzz word is motivisation.
Last week, l asked you all to bring in a picture of yourself not looking at your best to act as an incentive next time you reach for that slice of cake.
We like cake, though, don't we? Like a bit of cake, don't we? Yeah? Cake? Give me cake now.
We like cake.
We like cake.
l like cake, though.
l do.
l just like cake.
l like it a lot.
llikecake.
Give me cake! Give me cake! (German accent) l vant ze cake! So, let's have a look at these pictures.
Paul, can you dim the lights, please? Oh, yeah.
l don't wanna hear rustling.
This is not an excuse to eat.
Let's have a look at the first photo, then.
Ooh! At home with the Kumars.
Have you seen that programme? It's actually very funny, cos they're Asian.
So, where was this photo taken, my love? Was this in India or - New Malden.
- We'll never know.
Tell them yeah.
Ooh.
It took guts to bring that one in, my love.
And where was this photo taken? lt was at my sister's 60th.
You mean you still get invited to family do's? Yeah.
lf you were my sister, l would deny knowledge of your existence, but in a caring way.
Bless your overworked heart.
- Oh! Where was this? - New York.
Oh! Did you pig out when you were there? You know what it's like on holiday.
That's why you're here, Paul.
You cannot control your binge eating.
Oh, excuse me for a moment, fat fighters.
Just had to, erblow my nose.
Right.
Let's look at the next picture.
Oh, Mummy, you fat! So, pet.
How does this picture make you feel, my darling? Well, although it was a very happy day, as it was my wedding.
l do think l ook very large in that dress.
Mm.
Did they have to roll you down the aisle? No, l walked.
Brave.
And even though she looked like that, you didn't have second thoughts? You did it? Of course.
l look at Pat and there's a beautiful person inside.
There's a few of 'em.
And now, because it's only fair, here's a picture of me not looking at my best.
Lost a bit of weight since then obviously.
Lights on.
Keep the change.
Hey, no yawning from you.
The night isn't over yet.
Vicky! What are you doing here? You ain't invited.
- Where's Archie? Is he all right? - We sent him down the offie for more fags.
- What? - Don't give me evils.
We gave him fake ID.
Anyway, l am quite busy tying to get off with this bloke if you don't mind, actually.
Get out of my house! Don't worry, we're going.
This party's like well sad anyway.
And l found your pornos, you dirty bastard.
Oh, yeah, and l can do next Tuesday if you want.
How rude! This is a computer shop.
Computers date back to the reign of King Henry VIII.
Computers then were very basic.
You could only really get Pac-man and Snoopy Tennis.
Did you see that Pirates Of The Caribbean? That was lame.
l did not like that.
All right? Yeah, wicked.
l'll call you later.
- Yes, boss.
- Yeah, l bought an XP upgrade for my laptop - but it hasn't installed right.
- OK.
Let's take a look at it then.
This is XP Professional not the home edition.
- Yeah.
- l'm not too good on this.
What l'm gonna do is bring in the horse.
l'm gonna tell the horse what the problem is.
The horse says, did you disable the anti-virus software before installing? ErNo, l didn't.
Talk to me.
Give me your wisdom.
Yeah.
The horse says you need to press F2 which take you into Setup.
Then disable the anti-virus software install XP and it should run fine.
Oh.
Great.
Thank you.
He's a good horse.
One of the best.
Yeah.
Um Actually, l've got a problem with my iPod.
The horse doesn't know anything about iPods.
Come on, bro.
It's just a horse.
Hey, Sanjay.
The geezer ask a horse about a iPod, innit? This young man is what we call a homosexual.
Some people in Britain are heterosexual.
I myself am bisexual.
Well, at my time of life, I can't afford to be too picky.
# Think l'm gonna leave right now # Before l falls any deeper # Think l'm gonna leave right now # For l am feeling weaker and weaker Can you give me a hand with the shopping, Dafydd? l would do, Ma, but l'm a little busy.
l'm updating my Will Young scrapbook.
- Oh, right.
- He's been such an inspiration to me as the only gay in the village.
So brave the way he came out as gay just after he won Pop Idol.
Yes.
Did you remember my Smarties? There you go.
Now, me and your dad have been talking.
We think it was time maybe you got yourself a job.
Oh, l'd love to get myself a job but l can't.
- Why not? - l am a gay.
Oh, rubbish.
There's loads of jobs l'd love to do but can't because of my sexuality.
- Like what? - Hairdresser, airline steward children's TV presenter.
But they simply don't employ the gays.
Of course they do.
And if you got yourself a job, you could rent your own flat.
How can l rent a flat? l'm a gay.
l can just see it now.
''Hello, landlord.
l like men's bottoms.
'' How's that gonna go down? Couldn't you at least sign on? Then we'd have a bit of money coming in.
- l can't go down the Jobcentre.
- Why? Because you're gay? That's right.
l'm a homo.
l'm a bender.
l'm a fairy.
l'm a poofter.
Ma, l'm a bum boy.
l know.
Oh, sorry.
l didn't think l mentioned it.
Well, make yourself useful and help me put the shopping away.
Mother, l am at a critical moment with my Pritt Stick.
Dafydd Oh, l can't lift it.
l'm gay.
- Give it here, you big poof.
- Homophobe! - Don't be so stupid.
- l'm reporting you to ChildLine.
- What? - My own mother rejects me, simply for the crime of wanting men's todgers in my bum-bum.
Good day! In Grumble, just north of Little Moan, lies the home of local Neighbour Watch group leader Sid Pegg.
OK.
Welcome to tonight's meeting of Neighbour Watch.
Now, did anyone witness the events of Sunday afternoon? No.
An empty can of Lilt was kicked down the close by a gang of yob.
- Is that all? - If only it was, Mrs Vicar.
On Monday, less than 24,hours after the Lilt incident, some mindless thug defaced the Lartwood Close road sign.
They put two dots in the Os to make it look like a pair of titties.
There is nothing funny about a pair of women's titties.
Titties are beautiful.
They are, in fact, my favourite part of a lady, apart from the general fanny area.
- Shall l put the turkey burgers on? - Yes, wife.
Turkey burgers go.
Where was l? Titties, fanny, turkey burgers Oh, yes.
Self-defence.
Sometimes it is necessary to arm ourselves which is why l always sleep with this under my pillow.
Another pillow to smother them.
Britain fights back.
- You two married yet? - No.
Shame for the kid.
It'll be a bastard.
Right.
Now can l have a volunteer, please? Lloyd, l saw your hand go up.
All right, little fella? Little Lloyd Snow, number seven.
He rents, he doesn't own.
l don't know if you know.
Lloyd was on The Weakest Link.
l saw you on it.
Sorry.
If people are going to start shouting things out, there's just going to be chaos.
- Wife? - Yes.
Birds Eye potato waffles.
Go.
Right.
Now what do we do if one of these bastards Sorry attacks you in your home.
Now, Lloyd.
You're gonna get me in a headlock and l'm gonna get out of it.
Now, whatever l say, whatever l do, don't let go, OK? - Right.
- OK? Go.
Right.
Yeah.
Tighter, tighter.
That's nothing.
Tighter.
OK, Lloyd.
That's enough.
l beg you, l beg you.
Don't let go! Don't That's how you get out of a headlock.
You just say you've had enough and they should let go.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
- Wife? - Yes? Alphabetti Spaghetti.
Go.
Business is brisk at this fancy-dress shop.
Fancy-dress parties were invented in 1971 by Professor Ian Fancy-Dress Party.
Right.
Well, er, what can l do for you? lf you wouldn't mind.
- Right.
- l've been invited to a fancy-dress party and want to go as the comedian David Baddiel.
David Baddiel? Yes.
Unplanned era, please.
Not The Mary Whitehouse Experience.
You are being a little specific.
l want to go as the author and humorist David Baddiel.
Oh, dear.
One moment.
Margaret? Margaret? Yes? A gentleman here wants to know if we have David Baddiel costumes.
- l don't think so, no.
- She says she doesn't think so, no.
- Oh.
- Oh.
We've got a Punt and Dennis, but l think the Punt's out.
We've got a Punt and Dennis but she thinks the Punt's out.
- No.
- No.
- Ooh, we've got a Stato outfit.
- She says, ooh, we've got a Stato outfit.
No, l only really like David.
- Oh, l don't know what to suggest.
- l'm in no hurry.
Well, l tell you what.
Why don't l try and fashion a David Baddiel outfit out of some of the more nondescript items in the shop.
- That would be most kind.
- If you'd like to wait in our changing room.
And If l give you Rory McGrath's jumper Um Er Martin Clunes's chinos There you go.
And Sanjeev Bhaskar's espadrilles.
And erTery Waite's beard.
Well, how are you getting on? - Well? - Nothing like him.
Thank you very much.
Rugby is very popular in Britain as it allows men to act out sadomasochistic, homoerotic fantasies in the safety of a sporting context.
There.
Looks like Herby Town are gonna lose again.
- Yeah, l know.
- You said it yourself.
The team are strong on power, but lack the finesse to ultimately fulfil their potential.
Yeah, they're crap.
- l'll get meself a tin of pop.
You want one? - No, l'll just have yours.
- Did l miss anything? - No, it's boring.
Meanwhile, the Prime Minister is returning from Parliament, which was opened today by Her Majesty the Queen.
Though for an extra 40 quid, they could have had Kerry McFadden.
Prime Minister.
Here's a summary of the Arab-lsraeli conflict.
Thank you.
Do you have a copy of the draft treaty there? ln the Foreign Secretary's office.
l'll get it.
Would you? - Sebastian.
- Oh, hello, Gregory.
- Were you spying on us through the keyhole? - No, l was checking out a faulty knob.
Really.
- Hi, Prime Minister.
- Hello, Sebastian.
l won't be a moment, Prime Minister.
So are you still taking him to the peace talks? - Could you move down a bit? - Yes, of course.
Yes, he's very up on foreign diplomacy.
l can do that.
l'm up on the foreigndipthing.
This is very complex.
It's the umArabIsraeli conflict.
lt's about reaching an agreement over the Gaza Strip.
l've got an idea.
How about the Israelis have it Monday to Friday, the other lot on weekends? - l don't think that's going to work.
- Ooh, a Trisha special! l don't think so.
No, it's on Channel Five now.
Gone right off.
- Yes.
- Musical chairs.
- How ridiculous.
- Oh, she's getting nasty.
Maybe l should just leave.
Yeah.
You're the one who should go to Israel with him.
You are so up on the Arab-lsraeli conflict and so blatantly in love with him.
- Oh, dear, l've said it! - Sebastian, please.
- Have a great time.
- You're embarrassing yourself.
He's just using you for sex.
- Unbelievable.
- l know.
Where were we? l'd like to make an amendment to page four, paragraph two.
- l don't think the Israelis will go for that.
- Yes, of course.
l do love you, Gregory.
l know, Prime Minister.
Have you ever tried cross-dressing? I did once for about 30 years, but it wasn't really for me.
Just a lady out with a baby, that is all.
- Don't go too far, Jessica.
- OK, Mummy.
Good afternoon.
Not easy being a young mother, is it? - No, no, it isn't.
- How old are yours? Jessica's five and Eliot's six months.
And yours? Oh, just gave birth today.
Just a few hours old, really.
- Very little baby.
Would you like to see her? - OK.
Yeah.
Hello.
Hello! - Isn't she beautiful? - Yes, she's really quite something.
Hark at us.
Two young mothers.
Let's talk about being pregnant and babies and Shit.
- l just need to feed mine.
- Ooh! And me! Men.
They don't know what we go through, do they? What with the long time it's in your tum-tum, and then with it coming out of your looly.
l have a looly.
l am a lady.
A lady's looly.
Got any of them scotch eggs? - OK, Mummy.
- Please do this properly, baby Flo.
When's it my turn to push the pram? - Sshh! - Mummy, why is that man wearing a dress? And why is the fat man with the moustache dressed as a baby? Right.
l've had enough of this.
- Please, baby Flo! - Forget it! They grow up so quickly these days.
Ha-ha! Baby Flo! Baby Flo! If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in tonight's programme, you may like to know that a special helpline has been set up.
I think it's 0 something, and then some other numbers.
There may be a 7 in there somewhere, if that's any help.
Good try.
by somix 2007