Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007) s05e05 Episode Script
Roomies
Reverend Thorne, I was walking by your office - and I found this box marked "junk".
- Fascinating.
You do not mind if someone takes it? Why would I mind? It's junk.
- Excellent.
- Why is that excellent? Take a look at this lamp, it's lovely.
- You like it? - I do.
You're right.
This is perfectly good.
So, it was a mistake? It certainly was.
And this picture frame? I've been looking everywhere for that! How'd that wind up in the trash? Oh, another mistake, I understand.
Yes! You know, this box is clearly mislabelled.
It should read "for sale".
I'll give you $10 for the whole box.
- 15.
- 8.
- Sold.
Sucker.
Season 5 Episode 5 Roomies - Goodness, that must have really hurt.
- Yes.
Tell me there's good news about Amaar's apartment.
Yeah, very good news.
Thank God! Yousef is alive! Ceiling kaboom! And there's the bad news.
The ceiling collapsed? Yousef need hardhat.
If only you called me about the leak sooner! How could ignoring a major issue lead to something so negative? How am I going to tell Amaar? No need.
He'll figure it out.
It's hard to miss no ceiling.
Yeah You know, I think this is partially my fault.
You ignored a leak and the ceiling collapsed! Yes, that's the part.
Now Amaar's never going to trust me.
Hey, Reverend, Sarah.
Can I move out of my office now? Ceiling kaboom.
His fault.
Tell me Yousef is confused.
Not about that.
Quick question, Amaar.
How do you like skylights? Not a fan.
Hmm.
What about gaping holes? I'm off to City Hall for a building permit.
I'll go with you.
No, you said I was going to be back in there today.
I also said you could stay with me in the meantim-m-me.
No, friends stay with friends and we're not friends.
Ah, but, we could be if you stayed with me.
Remember? You're going to help me be a better man.
And, and, I've got an ice cream maker! Reverend, let's not upset this détente.
I'm going to be in my office until you sort this out.
It-It also makes frozen yogurt.
If that sweetens the pot.
No? Hi, baby! No time to talk.
- Bye, baby.
- Mom? Mom! What are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? Uh, gasping through the last paces of a marathon? Yeah.
The finish line is City Hall.
There's still some issues with Amaar's apartment.
Okay, that explains why you're running through town - like a maniac.
- Well, it's healthier than driving through town like a maniac.
Didn't you already go for your morning run? Yeah, but I figured one run keeps you young, two runs keep you younger.
Since when do you care about staying younger? Since I got an invitation to the Blue Hair Insurance.
Oh that seniors car insurance thing? Obviously an error.
Oh, come on, you drive super slow, you signal well in advance, and there is hard candy in the console.
You're the perfect candidate.
That's not my candy.
Stay hydrated! Salaam alaikum, Sarah.
Walaikum assalaam, Amaar.
Uh, are the repairs done? Good news.
The repairs aren't necessary.
Great, there's no gaping hole in my apartment.
- Nope.
- Good.
There is no apartment.
Yeah, I know.
It's now more of a "flat".
You know, that the city claims that your apartment doesn't exist.
Yeah, well, they're iffy on God too.
We disagree on a few things.
What I'm trying to say is, the church isn't zoned residential.
No.
No, no, no, no! You can't argue with a letter, Amaar.
An eviction notice! I'm sorry.
Well, at least I have until immediately to get out.
Wow.
Look at all this junk from upstairs.
It is not junk.
It is valuable memorabilia.
Okay.
Semi-valuable.
This is from the first time I failed to solve a Rubik's Cube.
Ugh, and look at my pictures from my trip to the lake! Yikes.
He ruined everything and I've go nowhere to live! The homeless imam.
Sleeping in doorways will give you the common touch.
And fleas.
Okay, you know what? You're not helping.
It's not that dramatic.
You can start looking for a new place first thing tomorrow morning.
Yeah, but I have nowhere to go tonight! Well you got your wish.
I've been recalled to Toronto? No, your other wish.
Where I come and stay with you.
You've changed your mind about me! Not a bit.
- You're changing your mind about me? - No.
- You're thinking of changing your mind about me? - No.
You realized it's either stay here or die in the gutter.
Don't make me toss another coin.
Yeah, I knew you'd come around.
I've just been evicted from my illegal apartment, thanks to you.
Well, there's no need to thank me.
It's late, I'm tired, and surprisingly, there's no place else for me to go.
Well, I am happy to provide a refuge for a man in need, a respite for a lost soul, a home to a wandering Just let me in.
My pleasure.
Ann: Really? Is this how you plan on spending your evening? You're the one watching me.
I'm not the one who invited me to dinner.
I didn't invite you.
Let's not point fingers.
Let's just start cooking for me.
Oh, you're in luck.
- I just went to the store.
- Good! I've got, uh, rice cakes, mashed yeast, gluten-free gluten, and a root vegetable platter.
Well, if we're going to eat out, we might as well see a film.
You pick.
No, I have to stay healthy.
Besides, there's nothing playing Cassie MacTavish! Is that the actress who's in rehab? Oh, she is so good.
No, she's a journalist.
She's speaking next week in Regina! Has the ship sailed on that root vegetable sampler? Cassie and I backpacked together through Europe.
And you were screaming because Because she looks great.
Oh, and she's going to want to visit.
Look at me, I'm old! She looks just as old as you do.
Well, that's the problem.
I have to look younger or she wins.
I thought you were friends? Great friends.
Ooh, they're the worst kind.
You better step up the aerobics, honey.
I know.
Come on, grandma, let's move.
- Come on, let me see you sweat.
- I am.
Step it up.
- Ah! Ohh - Oh! You know, it's much more satisfying thrashing a real person than the computer.
And maybe one day you will actually do that! Ho-oh! Is that trash talk? Wow, we're really bonding! Oh, nice punch, lose bag! Did you just call me lose bag? That didn't come out right.
Oh, come on! I wasn't even ready.
Fine.
Are you ready now? Wait, wait, wait.
Okay, now.
Ugh, seriously, why do you get the good controller? - Best 5 out of 9? - Goodnight, Rev.
Okay, so it's a draw.
Rematch tomorrow night.
How do you like your nachos? In the new place I'll be staying at tomorrow.
Sleep on it! You'll feel different in the morning! No? Goodnight.
Oh, Mom.
I got here as soon as I could.
Wow, your ankle looks terrible.
Well, it looked better before I ran over here.
Was that a mistake? Let's check your range of movement.
Ow! Mm-hmm, no range of movement.
Just shoot it full of whatever gets people kicked out of wrestling.
- I've got to hit the gym.
- No, you're not going anywhere.
You have to stay off this leg.
No way! I'm not going to be couch-bound like some senior citizen.
Ow! Well, I suppose you could still get around - Good.
- with a cane.
- No! - What's the problem? Old people use canes.
People pretending to be young to impress old friends do not use canes.
Mom, you're being silly.
I knew you wouldn't understand.
You're going to risk permanent damage to your ankle to fool an old friend? Oh, so you do understand.
Ow! Good morning.
There you are, sleepyhead.
I made some French toast, a raspberry reduction, crème fraiche, oh, and turkey bacon.
Wow.
You did not have to put yourself out for me.
Nonsense, I do this every morning.
Mini quiche? Uh, okay, thank you.
My pleasure.
Hey, how did you sleep? As good as I have in days.
My neck has never felt better.
Yeah, that's a Tempur-Pedic mattress for you.
Casa Thorne is pretty luxurious compared to my room up in the attic.
Most attics pale in comparison to my vicarage.
Plus, when you live alone no one makes you such lavish breakfasts.
I know.
Living alone is so lonely.
I'm not lonely.
Oh, me neither.
Pfft! Anyway, uh, thanks for letting me stay.
I called the Wispinskis this morning and they have a room to rent.
But Mrs.
Wispinski makes terrible French toast! I mean, everyone knows she has a heavy hand with the cinnamon.
This breakfast looks great, but I'm running late.
So, I'm just going to grab this and a coffee to go.
Coffee? Right, I didn't think of that.
- No, you know what? It's okay, I'll grab one at Fatima's.
- Wait, - See you.
- no, but wait! You're missing out on the passion fruit agave smoothie.
Mom, I brought you a cane and I want you to use it.
There's no point in letting your vanity get the best of you.
Oh, honey, you know me better than that.
I'm sorry, Shrek.
I'm looking for my mom.
It's Crème du Sol masque.
It makes me look years younger.
And delicious.
What is that, avocado? No, don't be silly.
This is made up of the finest anti-aging ingredients culled from all the corners of the earth.
Oh, but yes, it's mainly avocado.
What are the spoons for? The silver shrinks away wrinkles.
This is amazing stuff.
It firms, retards, tightens, shrinks, plumps and reduces.
Well, it shrinks your cutlery drawer.
There's lots of this left, honey.
You should use this before it's too late.
Don't make the same mistake that I did.
Take my advice.
Hang on to your youth.
And take my advice.
Hang on to your cane.
No way, it makes me look old.
Mom, no one cares about the cane except you.
You'll see.
I guess you were right.
Nobody on the street even noticed I had a cane.
See? What did I tell you? It's a fashion statement.
It takes years off! Sarah! What happened? - You're crippled! - Are you okay? No, no, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.
It's a fashion statement.
The statement is you look like my nani Jaan.
She has the same cane.
I don't know who his nani Jaan is, but I bet she's old.
Baber: Very, very, very old.
And clumsy, due to her advanced age.
Much like you.
Sarah, ignore him.
And order.
Thank you for your support, Fatima.
Just a coffee.
Ah-ah-ah, coffee leads to osteoporosis.
Ask your daughter, the doctor.
Here, have Fred's milk.
Dry corn flakes is a small price to pay so Gimpy's bones don't shatter to dust.
I appreciate your concern Fred, but please don't make a fuss.
No, no problem-o.
A woman gets to be a certain age, she needs people to look out for her.
Fred, my mom is the same age as you.
Wow.
That really puts my mortality in perspective.
I cannot face Cassie like this.
Mom, don't be silly.
Silly? Yes, silly, dotty, confused.
Are you getting any of this? Quickly, drink your milk.
Oww! Subhanallah! - Reverend.
- Ah, Mrs.
Wispinski! What brings you here? Is that a rental agreement I see? Yes, well, it seems that Amaar is going to be moving into little Alvin Junior's old room.
Ha, ha, that is wonderful! You know, you are the model of a tolerant Anglican to take in Amaar, with all of his Muslim-y habits.
Oh, habits? Well, just all the chanting at night.
He chants? Oh, dear.
Oh, and I'm sure I don't have to mention the curry stench.
Curry? Yeah, well, he curries everything.
He curries curry, yeah.
The smell even gets in the ice cubes.
But hey, better you than me, right? Oh, well, you know, I mean, little Alvin Junior really might want his old room back some day.
His wife's a real pill.
Oh Oh, Mrs.
Wispinski! Just the person I was coming to see! My future landlady! Let's sign that agreement.
I'm sorry, Amaar.
We've had a change of heart.
Oh I guess I could find something else.
Yes! Good luck with that.
Okay, then.
That's not very Christian.
Look, at least you're hooked up with me, right? I've got four kinds of coffee for you tomorrow morning.
- Thanks, Rev, but you've done enough.
- Oh I'm sure there's a little more I can do.
Well, I'm sure you could stay with Rayyan.
Hello? Muslim.
Oh, right.
Silly me.
Although, she could move in with Sarah.
I'm sure she'd be happy to.
Really really? You think she'd make that sacrifice for you? Yeah, you're right.
Rayyan is generous to a fault.
And the last thing I want to do is disrupt the lives of my fiancée and future mother-in-law.
Ah, I wonder why finding a place is so difficult.
Tell me about it.
It's as if some kind of force is working against me.
Hmm, I think that's just God's way of telling you that you should to stay with me.
Eating with your left hand? That's un-Islamic! Get out! - Unless you'd prefer - Baber? I don't think so.
Come on, Layla's at college.
He's got all that room.
Salaam alaikum, Baber.
You seem extra Baber-y today.
I was up late watching the classic movies.
You like the classics? To loudly correct them.
They are so un-Islamic! "From Here to Eternity"? And eternity in hell! Ah, yes, all that kissing.
The man shows his bare knees and Deborah Kerr is a strumpet! I've watched that film 12 times.
Well! Hey, Baber, did you know that your imam is looking for a place to live? I wouldn't want to impose.
It is no imposition.
It is a sin to live in such a big house all alone.
I wouldn't call it a sin.
That is why you are so bad at your job.
Come stay with me and I will teach you the true meaning of Islam.
How can he say no to that? And if you come right now you can help me yell at "Gone with the Wind".
"Frankly, my dear, I do give a damn!" Baber, that is a very generous Don't say no yet.
Think about it.
You can stay in Layla's room.
I hope you like unicorns.
Huh? - Never going to happen.
- Yeah, you're right.
- I'd rather sleep in a ditch.
- You know what? I'm just going to go to the motel until this is all sorted out.
The motel? All right.
- Directory assistance? - Man over phone: Yes.
I'd like the number for the Prairie Scene Motel.
Got my cruller, got my double double, - My tea? - Oh, I knew I forgot something! Can I at least get my change? I might need that for later.
Oh, can I get that for you, Limpy? No, no, no! Let it go to voicemail! Gotcha.
Creditors.
No, it's Cassie.
She's in town.
I've been dodging her all day.
I know that makes me look petty and small.
You don't look small.
I just don't want to be cane girl.
So don't use it.
Great! I'll just fall down a lot! You've been getting along here fine without it.
You're right.
I have.
So, stash the cane and invite her over to your place.
Then what? Rearrange the furniture, use it for balance.
She'll never suspect a thing.
We are brilliant! Oh, so it's we now? Poor Amaar.
I can't tell you how torturing it is to know that you don't have a place to move into.
I'll come up with something.
Of course you will, if I have any say in the matter! That's very thoughtful.
Actually, you know what, I've been going through the paper and I've circled some ads for you.
Look at that.
"Garage for rent"? Ah, read on.
It's a heated garage.
No? Uh what about this one here? "Elderly woman seeks companion.
Must be able to read Ukrainian.
" I can't do that.
Yeah, those Slavic languages are a bear.
But, what about this? A nice little, two-bedroom flat.
- In Regina! - Sure.
I'm not going to be doing the 60k commute.
Of course not.
What was I thinking? "Earn up to $900 a day - working in the comfort of your own home.
" - Uh, yeah, that, uh, that was just something that caught my eye.
Look, I want you to know that you're welcome to stay here for as long as you need to.
Okay? All right.
Good luck with the hunt.
Thanks, Rev.
Hello, Thorne residence.
Ah, no, you just missed him.
Can I take a message please? Yes, Prairie Scene Motel Uh-huh You want the credit card number so he can hold all the rooms he's booked.
Yes, yes, I will definitely give him that message.
Thank you.
Okay, we're all set.
This is going to work.
Absolutely.
Let's rehearse.
I'll be Sarah, you be Cassie.
But I'm Sarah.
Fine.
Don't take a risk.
You be Sarah.
And I'll be sexy Cassie.
No, just be regular Cassie.
Well, it's a stretch, but I'll try.
Be a lamb and get me a glass of sparkling water? Of course, Cassie.
I-I can pull this off! There's only one problem: she's not British.
Oh, that's the only accent I do well.
That's not true, I love your southern belle.
Oh, oh, ah Colonel, I do declare, I'd love a wedge of l-i-ime.
Okay, you can drop the act.
I don't need to do it again.
No, seriously, I-I need a wedge of lime.
It's go time.
Ah, you're still here? What a totally unexpected but welcome surprise! How fortunate that I got two Cornish hens! I'm on to you, Reverend.
All right, they're actually runt chickens, but they're the closest I could get on the prairie.
First, Mrs.
Wispinski changes her mind.
Next, there's a problem with the motel.
No room at the inn? Funny thing, they just called to confirm your reservation of all 14 rooms! All right, look, in my defence, I never intended to actually pay.
I can't believe you did this.
Look, can we talk about this over dinner? I'll preheat the oven, you can chop some shallots.
Your bag is packed.
That's a Tempur-Pedic mattress! What's he doing here? Chop your own shallots.
I'm out of here.
Really? You'd rather stay with him in some one-bedroom tenement that reeks of despair? I'll have you know, I stopped using that cologne.
I've switched to a little something I call "Restraining Order".
If you can smell it, you're too close.
Nate, let's go.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah you'll be back.
Trust me, you'll be back! You know you'll be back! He'll never be back.
Sarah: I'm so glad you could make it, Cassie.
What a lovely home! Oh, thank you.
I decorated it myself.
- Oh! Oh! - Oh Is this supposed to be here? Yes, yes, it's very feng shui.
A bookcase near a table is very good qi.
Sarah, you know, after travelling in Paris I never would have imagined that you would end up here in this quaint, rustic, tiny I mean, did I say quaint? As a matter of fact, Mercy is the binder twine capital of the province.
Binder twine capital Ow! Oh! Oh, are these these are golf clubs? Yes, more feng shui! Lots and lots of feng shui! Golf clubs in the dining room drives away the daily gloom.
So, feng shui rhymes now? You know, I took a course in feng shui and this is all wrong.
Oh, yeah, you see, no, you're thinking Mandarin feng shui.
This is Cantonese feng shui.
It's all about straight lines and noodles.
No, it's any kind of feng shui.
In fact, this entire room is an invitation to bad Oh, Cassie, are you all right? Did you not see the fan? What are you, blind? Yes, I am.
I need my glasses.
Hey, roomie! How did the, uh, - love seat treat you last night? - Fine.
Thanks, Nate, but it's not really a love seat.
Okay, how did the arm chair treat you? You can't call it an arm chair after the arms have fallen off.
All right, well, how did the, um I slept badly! Yeah, my place sucks.
I don't know why you left Thorne's.
That place is sweet! Thorne sabotaged my plans to move out.
So? You had a bed as soft as a cloud, video games, home cooked meals.
His fridge even has a door.
Yeah, but, that doesn't excuse his manipulation.
He was just trying to make you stay.
Maybe.
I guess you're right.
Could it be that he's really that lonely? I think you know what you need to do.
You're right.
You stay at my place.
I'll go there.
Can you believe we were so vain? Oh, why didn't I just wear my glasses? Why didn't I just use my cane? I was so worried about looking old.
So was I.
And you know what? You look terrific.
Oh, well, you look amazing.
No, you look like a vision! You could stop traffic! Well Two specials.
One for Squinty, and one for Hop-along.
Well, at least we look good.
Well, I'll have to take your word for it.
Well, I hope you learned your lesson.
Oh, I certainly did.
More risotto al funghi? Oh, please.
You can't manipulate someone into becoming your friend! Too true.
Oh, your glass is empty.
Thank you.
And you certainly can't buy friendship.
Oh, that's the chocolate soufflé! Rayyan told me it was your favourite.
Yeah, especially with a little bit of Raspberry drizzle.
Okay, enough.
Look, I really appreciate all these four-course meals Five-course meals.
But if I'm going to stay here, we need to establish some ground rules.
- Okay.
- No more lying.
- Mm-hmm.
- No more manipulation.
No more trying to win me over with these fancy meals.
Amaar, you're right.
I'm sorry.
Let me just, uh Okay, look, there is no point in wasting this good food.
I hear you buddy.
- No buddy.
- Right.
- Cohort? - No.
- Compadre? - No.
Uh opponent? Opponent works.
Best 9 out of 17?
- Fascinating.
You do not mind if someone takes it? Why would I mind? It's junk.
- Excellent.
- Why is that excellent? Take a look at this lamp, it's lovely.
- You like it? - I do.
You're right.
This is perfectly good.
So, it was a mistake? It certainly was.
And this picture frame? I've been looking everywhere for that! How'd that wind up in the trash? Oh, another mistake, I understand.
Yes! You know, this box is clearly mislabelled.
It should read "for sale".
I'll give you $10 for the whole box.
- 15.
- 8.
- Sold.
Sucker.
Season 5 Episode 5 Roomies - Goodness, that must have really hurt.
- Yes.
Tell me there's good news about Amaar's apartment.
Yeah, very good news.
Thank God! Yousef is alive! Ceiling kaboom! And there's the bad news.
The ceiling collapsed? Yousef need hardhat.
If only you called me about the leak sooner! How could ignoring a major issue lead to something so negative? How am I going to tell Amaar? No need.
He'll figure it out.
It's hard to miss no ceiling.
Yeah You know, I think this is partially my fault.
You ignored a leak and the ceiling collapsed! Yes, that's the part.
Now Amaar's never going to trust me.
Hey, Reverend, Sarah.
Can I move out of my office now? Ceiling kaboom.
His fault.
Tell me Yousef is confused.
Not about that.
Quick question, Amaar.
How do you like skylights? Not a fan.
Hmm.
What about gaping holes? I'm off to City Hall for a building permit.
I'll go with you.
No, you said I was going to be back in there today.
I also said you could stay with me in the meantim-m-me.
No, friends stay with friends and we're not friends.
Ah, but, we could be if you stayed with me.
Remember? You're going to help me be a better man.
And, and, I've got an ice cream maker! Reverend, let's not upset this détente.
I'm going to be in my office until you sort this out.
It-It also makes frozen yogurt.
If that sweetens the pot.
No? Hi, baby! No time to talk.
- Bye, baby.
- Mom? Mom! What are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? Uh, gasping through the last paces of a marathon? Yeah.
The finish line is City Hall.
There's still some issues with Amaar's apartment.
Okay, that explains why you're running through town - like a maniac.
- Well, it's healthier than driving through town like a maniac.
Didn't you already go for your morning run? Yeah, but I figured one run keeps you young, two runs keep you younger.
Since when do you care about staying younger? Since I got an invitation to the Blue Hair Insurance.
Oh that seniors car insurance thing? Obviously an error.
Oh, come on, you drive super slow, you signal well in advance, and there is hard candy in the console.
You're the perfect candidate.
That's not my candy.
Stay hydrated! Salaam alaikum, Sarah.
Walaikum assalaam, Amaar.
Uh, are the repairs done? Good news.
The repairs aren't necessary.
Great, there's no gaping hole in my apartment.
- Nope.
- Good.
There is no apartment.
Yeah, I know.
It's now more of a "flat".
You know, that the city claims that your apartment doesn't exist.
Yeah, well, they're iffy on God too.
We disagree on a few things.
What I'm trying to say is, the church isn't zoned residential.
No.
No, no, no, no! You can't argue with a letter, Amaar.
An eviction notice! I'm sorry.
Well, at least I have until immediately to get out.
Wow.
Look at all this junk from upstairs.
It is not junk.
It is valuable memorabilia.
Okay.
Semi-valuable.
This is from the first time I failed to solve a Rubik's Cube.
Ugh, and look at my pictures from my trip to the lake! Yikes.
He ruined everything and I've go nowhere to live! The homeless imam.
Sleeping in doorways will give you the common touch.
And fleas.
Okay, you know what? You're not helping.
It's not that dramatic.
You can start looking for a new place first thing tomorrow morning.
Yeah, but I have nowhere to go tonight! Well you got your wish.
I've been recalled to Toronto? No, your other wish.
Where I come and stay with you.
You've changed your mind about me! Not a bit.
- You're changing your mind about me? - No.
- You're thinking of changing your mind about me? - No.
You realized it's either stay here or die in the gutter.
Don't make me toss another coin.
Yeah, I knew you'd come around.
I've just been evicted from my illegal apartment, thanks to you.
Well, there's no need to thank me.
It's late, I'm tired, and surprisingly, there's no place else for me to go.
Well, I am happy to provide a refuge for a man in need, a respite for a lost soul, a home to a wandering Just let me in.
My pleasure.
Ann: Really? Is this how you plan on spending your evening? You're the one watching me.
I'm not the one who invited me to dinner.
I didn't invite you.
Let's not point fingers.
Let's just start cooking for me.
Oh, you're in luck.
- I just went to the store.
- Good! I've got, uh, rice cakes, mashed yeast, gluten-free gluten, and a root vegetable platter.
Well, if we're going to eat out, we might as well see a film.
You pick.
No, I have to stay healthy.
Besides, there's nothing playing Cassie MacTavish! Is that the actress who's in rehab? Oh, she is so good.
No, she's a journalist.
She's speaking next week in Regina! Has the ship sailed on that root vegetable sampler? Cassie and I backpacked together through Europe.
And you were screaming because Because she looks great.
Oh, and she's going to want to visit.
Look at me, I'm old! She looks just as old as you do.
Well, that's the problem.
I have to look younger or she wins.
I thought you were friends? Great friends.
Ooh, they're the worst kind.
You better step up the aerobics, honey.
I know.
Come on, grandma, let's move.
- Come on, let me see you sweat.
- I am.
Step it up.
- Ah! Ohh - Oh! You know, it's much more satisfying thrashing a real person than the computer.
And maybe one day you will actually do that! Ho-oh! Is that trash talk? Wow, we're really bonding! Oh, nice punch, lose bag! Did you just call me lose bag? That didn't come out right.
Oh, come on! I wasn't even ready.
Fine.
Are you ready now? Wait, wait, wait.
Okay, now.
Ugh, seriously, why do you get the good controller? - Best 5 out of 9? - Goodnight, Rev.
Okay, so it's a draw.
Rematch tomorrow night.
How do you like your nachos? In the new place I'll be staying at tomorrow.
Sleep on it! You'll feel different in the morning! No? Goodnight.
Oh, Mom.
I got here as soon as I could.
Wow, your ankle looks terrible.
Well, it looked better before I ran over here.
Was that a mistake? Let's check your range of movement.
Ow! Mm-hmm, no range of movement.
Just shoot it full of whatever gets people kicked out of wrestling.
- I've got to hit the gym.
- No, you're not going anywhere.
You have to stay off this leg.
No way! I'm not going to be couch-bound like some senior citizen.
Ow! Well, I suppose you could still get around - Good.
- with a cane.
- No! - What's the problem? Old people use canes.
People pretending to be young to impress old friends do not use canes.
Mom, you're being silly.
I knew you wouldn't understand.
You're going to risk permanent damage to your ankle to fool an old friend? Oh, so you do understand.
Ow! Good morning.
There you are, sleepyhead.
I made some French toast, a raspberry reduction, crème fraiche, oh, and turkey bacon.
Wow.
You did not have to put yourself out for me.
Nonsense, I do this every morning.
Mini quiche? Uh, okay, thank you.
My pleasure.
Hey, how did you sleep? As good as I have in days.
My neck has never felt better.
Yeah, that's a Tempur-Pedic mattress for you.
Casa Thorne is pretty luxurious compared to my room up in the attic.
Most attics pale in comparison to my vicarage.
Plus, when you live alone no one makes you such lavish breakfasts.
I know.
Living alone is so lonely.
I'm not lonely.
Oh, me neither.
Pfft! Anyway, uh, thanks for letting me stay.
I called the Wispinskis this morning and they have a room to rent.
But Mrs.
Wispinski makes terrible French toast! I mean, everyone knows she has a heavy hand with the cinnamon.
This breakfast looks great, but I'm running late.
So, I'm just going to grab this and a coffee to go.
Coffee? Right, I didn't think of that.
- No, you know what? It's okay, I'll grab one at Fatima's.
- Wait, - See you.
- no, but wait! You're missing out on the passion fruit agave smoothie.
Mom, I brought you a cane and I want you to use it.
There's no point in letting your vanity get the best of you.
Oh, honey, you know me better than that.
I'm sorry, Shrek.
I'm looking for my mom.
It's Crème du Sol masque.
It makes me look years younger.
And delicious.
What is that, avocado? No, don't be silly.
This is made up of the finest anti-aging ingredients culled from all the corners of the earth.
Oh, but yes, it's mainly avocado.
What are the spoons for? The silver shrinks away wrinkles.
This is amazing stuff.
It firms, retards, tightens, shrinks, plumps and reduces.
Well, it shrinks your cutlery drawer.
There's lots of this left, honey.
You should use this before it's too late.
Don't make the same mistake that I did.
Take my advice.
Hang on to your youth.
And take my advice.
Hang on to your cane.
No way, it makes me look old.
Mom, no one cares about the cane except you.
You'll see.
I guess you were right.
Nobody on the street even noticed I had a cane.
See? What did I tell you? It's a fashion statement.
It takes years off! Sarah! What happened? - You're crippled! - Are you okay? No, no, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.
It's a fashion statement.
The statement is you look like my nani Jaan.
She has the same cane.
I don't know who his nani Jaan is, but I bet she's old.
Baber: Very, very, very old.
And clumsy, due to her advanced age.
Much like you.
Sarah, ignore him.
And order.
Thank you for your support, Fatima.
Just a coffee.
Ah-ah-ah, coffee leads to osteoporosis.
Ask your daughter, the doctor.
Here, have Fred's milk.
Dry corn flakes is a small price to pay so Gimpy's bones don't shatter to dust.
I appreciate your concern Fred, but please don't make a fuss.
No, no problem-o.
A woman gets to be a certain age, she needs people to look out for her.
Fred, my mom is the same age as you.
Wow.
That really puts my mortality in perspective.
I cannot face Cassie like this.
Mom, don't be silly.
Silly? Yes, silly, dotty, confused.
Are you getting any of this? Quickly, drink your milk.
Oww! Subhanallah! - Reverend.
- Ah, Mrs.
Wispinski! What brings you here? Is that a rental agreement I see? Yes, well, it seems that Amaar is going to be moving into little Alvin Junior's old room.
Ha, ha, that is wonderful! You know, you are the model of a tolerant Anglican to take in Amaar, with all of his Muslim-y habits.
Oh, habits? Well, just all the chanting at night.
He chants? Oh, dear.
Oh, and I'm sure I don't have to mention the curry stench.
Curry? Yeah, well, he curries everything.
He curries curry, yeah.
The smell even gets in the ice cubes.
But hey, better you than me, right? Oh, well, you know, I mean, little Alvin Junior really might want his old room back some day.
His wife's a real pill.
Oh Oh, Mrs.
Wispinski! Just the person I was coming to see! My future landlady! Let's sign that agreement.
I'm sorry, Amaar.
We've had a change of heart.
Oh I guess I could find something else.
Yes! Good luck with that.
Okay, then.
That's not very Christian.
Look, at least you're hooked up with me, right? I've got four kinds of coffee for you tomorrow morning.
- Thanks, Rev, but you've done enough.
- Oh I'm sure there's a little more I can do.
Well, I'm sure you could stay with Rayyan.
Hello? Muslim.
Oh, right.
Silly me.
Although, she could move in with Sarah.
I'm sure she'd be happy to.
Really really? You think she'd make that sacrifice for you? Yeah, you're right.
Rayyan is generous to a fault.
And the last thing I want to do is disrupt the lives of my fiancée and future mother-in-law.
Ah, I wonder why finding a place is so difficult.
Tell me about it.
It's as if some kind of force is working against me.
Hmm, I think that's just God's way of telling you that you should to stay with me.
Eating with your left hand? That's un-Islamic! Get out! - Unless you'd prefer - Baber? I don't think so.
Come on, Layla's at college.
He's got all that room.
Salaam alaikum, Baber.
You seem extra Baber-y today.
I was up late watching the classic movies.
You like the classics? To loudly correct them.
They are so un-Islamic! "From Here to Eternity"? And eternity in hell! Ah, yes, all that kissing.
The man shows his bare knees and Deborah Kerr is a strumpet! I've watched that film 12 times.
Well! Hey, Baber, did you know that your imam is looking for a place to live? I wouldn't want to impose.
It is no imposition.
It is a sin to live in such a big house all alone.
I wouldn't call it a sin.
That is why you are so bad at your job.
Come stay with me and I will teach you the true meaning of Islam.
How can he say no to that? And if you come right now you can help me yell at "Gone with the Wind".
"Frankly, my dear, I do give a damn!" Baber, that is a very generous Don't say no yet.
Think about it.
You can stay in Layla's room.
I hope you like unicorns.
Huh? - Never going to happen.
- Yeah, you're right.
- I'd rather sleep in a ditch.
- You know what? I'm just going to go to the motel until this is all sorted out.
The motel? All right.
- Directory assistance? - Man over phone: Yes.
I'd like the number for the Prairie Scene Motel.
Got my cruller, got my double double, - My tea? - Oh, I knew I forgot something! Can I at least get my change? I might need that for later.
Oh, can I get that for you, Limpy? No, no, no! Let it go to voicemail! Gotcha.
Creditors.
No, it's Cassie.
She's in town.
I've been dodging her all day.
I know that makes me look petty and small.
You don't look small.
I just don't want to be cane girl.
So don't use it.
Great! I'll just fall down a lot! You've been getting along here fine without it.
You're right.
I have.
So, stash the cane and invite her over to your place.
Then what? Rearrange the furniture, use it for balance.
She'll never suspect a thing.
We are brilliant! Oh, so it's we now? Poor Amaar.
I can't tell you how torturing it is to know that you don't have a place to move into.
I'll come up with something.
Of course you will, if I have any say in the matter! That's very thoughtful.
Actually, you know what, I've been going through the paper and I've circled some ads for you.
Look at that.
"Garage for rent"? Ah, read on.
It's a heated garage.
No? Uh what about this one here? "Elderly woman seeks companion.
Must be able to read Ukrainian.
" I can't do that.
Yeah, those Slavic languages are a bear.
But, what about this? A nice little, two-bedroom flat.
- In Regina! - Sure.
I'm not going to be doing the 60k commute.
Of course not.
What was I thinking? "Earn up to $900 a day - working in the comfort of your own home.
" - Uh, yeah, that, uh, that was just something that caught my eye.
Look, I want you to know that you're welcome to stay here for as long as you need to.
Okay? All right.
Good luck with the hunt.
Thanks, Rev.
Hello, Thorne residence.
Ah, no, you just missed him.
Can I take a message please? Yes, Prairie Scene Motel Uh-huh You want the credit card number so he can hold all the rooms he's booked.
Yes, yes, I will definitely give him that message.
Thank you.
Okay, we're all set.
This is going to work.
Absolutely.
Let's rehearse.
I'll be Sarah, you be Cassie.
But I'm Sarah.
Fine.
Don't take a risk.
You be Sarah.
And I'll be sexy Cassie.
No, just be regular Cassie.
Well, it's a stretch, but I'll try.
Be a lamb and get me a glass of sparkling water? Of course, Cassie.
I-I can pull this off! There's only one problem: she's not British.
Oh, that's the only accent I do well.
That's not true, I love your southern belle.
Oh, oh, ah Colonel, I do declare, I'd love a wedge of l-i-ime.
Okay, you can drop the act.
I don't need to do it again.
No, seriously, I-I need a wedge of lime.
It's go time.
Ah, you're still here? What a totally unexpected but welcome surprise! How fortunate that I got two Cornish hens! I'm on to you, Reverend.
All right, they're actually runt chickens, but they're the closest I could get on the prairie.
First, Mrs.
Wispinski changes her mind.
Next, there's a problem with the motel.
No room at the inn? Funny thing, they just called to confirm your reservation of all 14 rooms! All right, look, in my defence, I never intended to actually pay.
I can't believe you did this.
Look, can we talk about this over dinner? I'll preheat the oven, you can chop some shallots.
Your bag is packed.
That's a Tempur-Pedic mattress! What's he doing here? Chop your own shallots.
I'm out of here.
Really? You'd rather stay with him in some one-bedroom tenement that reeks of despair? I'll have you know, I stopped using that cologne.
I've switched to a little something I call "Restraining Order".
If you can smell it, you're too close.
Nate, let's go.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah you'll be back.
Trust me, you'll be back! You know you'll be back! He'll never be back.
Sarah: I'm so glad you could make it, Cassie.
What a lovely home! Oh, thank you.
I decorated it myself.
- Oh! Oh! - Oh Is this supposed to be here? Yes, yes, it's very feng shui.
A bookcase near a table is very good qi.
Sarah, you know, after travelling in Paris I never would have imagined that you would end up here in this quaint, rustic, tiny I mean, did I say quaint? As a matter of fact, Mercy is the binder twine capital of the province.
Binder twine capital Ow! Oh! Oh, are these these are golf clubs? Yes, more feng shui! Lots and lots of feng shui! Golf clubs in the dining room drives away the daily gloom.
So, feng shui rhymes now? You know, I took a course in feng shui and this is all wrong.
Oh, yeah, you see, no, you're thinking Mandarin feng shui.
This is Cantonese feng shui.
It's all about straight lines and noodles.
No, it's any kind of feng shui.
In fact, this entire room is an invitation to bad Oh, Cassie, are you all right? Did you not see the fan? What are you, blind? Yes, I am.
I need my glasses.
Hey, roomie! How did the, uh, - love seat treat you last night? - Fine.
Thanks, Nate, but it's not really a love seat.
Okay, how did the arm chair treat you? You can't call it an arm chair after the arms have fallen off.
All right, well, how did the, um I slept badly! Yeah, my place sucks.
I don't know why you left Thorne's.
That place is sweet! Thorne sabotaged my plans to move out.
So? You had a bed as soft as a cloud, video games, home cooked meals.
His fridge even has a door.
Yeah, but, that doesn't excuse his manipulation.
He was just trying to make you stay.
Maybe.
I guess you're right.
Could it be that he's really that lonely? I think you know what you need to do.
You're right.
You stay at my place.
I'll go there.
Can you believe we were so vain? Oh, why didn't I just wear my glasses? Why didn't I just use my cane? I was so worried about looking old.
So was I.
And you know what? You look terrific.
Oh, well, you look amazing.
No, you look like a vision! You could stop traffic! Well Two specials.
One for Squinty, and one for Hop-along.
Well, at least we look good.
Well, I'll have to take your word for it.
Well, I hope you learned your lesson.
Oh, I certainly did.
More risotto al funghi? Oh, please.
You can't manipulate someone into becoming your friend! Too true.
Oh, your glass is empty.
Thank you.
And you certainly can't buy friendship.
Oh, that's the chocolate soufflé! Rayyan told me it was your favourite.
Yeah, especially with a little bit of Raspberry drizzle.
Okay, enough.
Look, I really appreciate all these four-course meals Five-course meals.
But if I'm going to stay here, we need to establish some ground rules.
- Okay.
- No more lying.
- Mm-hmm.
- No more manipulation.
No more trying to win me over with these fancy meals.
Amaar, you're right.
I'm sorry.
Let me just, uh Okay, look, there is no point in wasting this good food.
I hear you buddy.
- No buddy.
- Right.
- Cohort? - No.
- Compadre? - No.
Uh opponent? Opponent works.
Best 9 out of 17?