Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007) s06e06 Episode Script
Destination Chicken
Ha! Ha! Ah, Judas! You naughty boy! - Uh-oh.
- Baber, talk to me.
- 'Sup? - I'm restless.
I keep trying to get a rise out of people, but no one's biting.
What? Well, you know what? I have a couple minutes right now.
Let's have an argument! OK.
About what? Well I think your hat looks a little stupid.
But you helped me pick out this topee! - You said it made my cheekbones pop.
- And it does! Look, I'm just trying to help, OK? Huh Oh, I know! - I don't recycle.
- Who does? Hippies and Hindus, that's who.
- How about a paper fight? - Not sure I'm in the mood.
- No? - Nope, - Not in the mood.
- How about now? Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do.
- One more.
How about now? - Hmm no.
Look, it's just no use.
Come on, cheer up! You're just in a bit of a funk.
Try Amaar: it's easy to get a rise out of him.
I hope so.
Sure? Come on! - Salaam alaikum.
- Walaikum assalaam.
- What's with the chicken? - It's a belated wedding gift.
- Wow! - I named her Ray-Hen! Ray-Hen? Don't you think that's a little offensive? It is totally offensive.
Ah.
Baber, are you trying to get my goat? A goat would have upset you more? Oh, Baber! You're better than this! Little Mosque on the Prairie S06E06 Destination Chicken Amaar: Why are you giving us a chicken? It's part of an old village wedding tradition - It will make your wife respect you.
- Respect me? Look, just because I pick up Rayyan's dry-cleaning and do most all of the housework doesn't mean she doesn't respect me.
I didn't even know about any of those things.
You just decided Rayyan doesn't respect me? Snap its neck and slit its throat, of course.
You want me to kill the chicken? Yes! in the bedroom, in front of Rayyan.
It'll set the mood.
Does that make you curious? OK, you know what? It's the thought that counts Thank you.
You're welcome.
[ cluck! cluck! .]
[ cluck! cluck! .]
Ha! Ugh! This town has so much debt, I'm going to need another calculator.
Too bad we can only afford that one.
Could you two keep it down, I'm trying to find out what kind of lover I am.
"When you meet someone "of the opposite sex, " "The first thing you notice about them" - "is A) their eyes " - We should be working.
"B) Their lap C) Their salary.
" These accounts are not going to audit themselves.
- Definitely - Both: their salary.
Oh! Hello.
[ They both chuckle .]
D) Not engaged.
[ He clears his throat .]
Well, you know the one thing Mercy is good at.
- Mayors! - PR.
- And not making money.
Well, no surprise there.
The biggest attraction in town is a church that harbours terrorists.
- Ann! - Fair enough: Nothing's been proven yet.
Have you thought of adding something to Mercy to make it more of a tourist destination? We should make the church a destination church! - What's that? - You know! One of those gaudy, obnoxious, spectacle churches, - The kind of crap people go crazy for.
- I love it! - A big, cheesy show.
Then it's decided: Mercy Anglican is becoming a destination church.
Isn't that up to reverend Thorne? If I know my brother, there's no way he won't do it.
- There's no way I'm doing it.
- What? Why? It can't be done.
I've looked at this from every angle and a small community, on a limited budget, in this venue: it can't be done! I really think we can make this work.
And I've crunched the numbers.
Well Baber crunched the numbers: he thought he was doing my taxes.
The point is, the numbers have been crunched.
- We can't do a big show.
- Come on, Billy! - No.
And stop calling me Billy.
- Come on! We can hang out.
No! And that's another reason why I'm not doing this, Chuck.
Yeah, you know the whole Chuck thing doesn't really bother me.
OK, sidebar.
Can we do this without him? Just drop all the religious garbage? Drop all the relig Oh, my God! That is so crazy it just might work.
And you know who should do it.
You! - Oh! No, no - Yes.
No, gosh! I haven't been on stage in years but yes.
Yeah, I will do it and I will make it the best damn show - this town has even seen.
- No! You're an accountant! What do you know about performing? [ insulted gasp .]
Sir, I will have you know that I once did a one man comedy show and there was not a dry eye - in the house, OK? - Thank you! All right, wait! Wait! Wait! OK! You've twisted my arm.
God willing, I will find a way to make this work.
Great! And Charles can help.
Oh! You know what would be better than Charles helping? Charles not helping.
Well, I'll tell you - Yeah, we're good.
- I think so.
Something smells good in here! - Dinner will be ready in ten.
- Mm! Oh! Amaar! Are you aware of this or should I be calling the exterminator? This is Ray-Hen.
She's a belated wedding gift.
- Ray-Hen? Should I be offended? - Well, Baber named her.
- So yeah, probably.
- Wait, this isn't dinner, is it? No! We're having stir-fry, vegetarian stir-fry.
OK, so what are we going to do with it? Huh I don't know.
I guess I have to kill it.
[ She bursts out laughing .]
Yeah! Oh! Honey, I'm sorry.
I just can't really picture you killing anything.
I can kill a chicken! probably.
Why don't you just release it into the wild or something? - Maybe.
- At this point, actually, I'd really be happy if you just release her from our house.
And Jonah told the sailors that he brought the storm upon them by ignoring the Lord's will.
[ storm sounds .]
And he jumped overboard to spare their lives! [ thunder .]
Jonah struggled to stay afloat as the storm raged on! [ thunder .]
Wave after wave crashed down as Jonah Caw! Caw! Seagull.
I thought we agreed on confetti.
- I want it to feel more real.
- Oh, I'll make it feel real all right.
- Really, it was the best part.
- Take five.
Go get a sandwich! You can't judge a show by the first rehearsal.
Why Jonah and the whale, huh? Seems a little juvenile.
You're juvenile! We're doing Jonah because it's about mercy.
You see what I did there? The mercy and Mercy? That's too thinky.
It would be lost on everyone but you two.
- I totally agree.
[ She slaps his butt .]
- Oh! Huh OK, everybody take a break.
Hey! You're engaged or have you forgotten? Oh, that's just a little harmless flirt.
- Hey! Dibs on that donut! - Damn.
Damn you! - Hey! You may be the pope - Reverend.
- Whatever.
But even I know you can't damn me: I looked it up.
Amaar: Ray-Hen! Come out, come out, wherever you are! [ cluck! cluck! .]
I don't like hurting animals.
I don't like hurting anything! [ cluck! cluck! .]
Ray-Hen! [ cluck! cluck! .]
Ha! [ cluck! cluck! .]
Ray-Hen! - God, that is the best donut - Reverend, we need to talk about the play.
Why is that the worst thing I've ever seen? Come on! It wasn't that bad, especially considering our limited budget.
It's true.
I'm just doing this to help build a sense of community.
up, Nate.
How much money do you need? can't finance the show with the town's budget! 'll give up my trip to Hawaii! - la-la-la-la! I should not be hearing this! .
If I give you this money, do you promise - to make the show less boring? - Ha! Ha! Yes! OK, great! Pyrotechnics might work.
Musicals have a lot of traction these days, as do vampires just saying.
There are no vampires in the Bible.
[ silence .]
OK.
Thank you.
Amaar: Ray-Hen, if I don't find you, Rayyan is gonna kill me.
I got you now! [ cluck! cluck! .]
You [ sigh .]
Well, actually, that solves that.
Reverend: Baber! Come here and check this out.
What's all this? This, my friend is the reverend Thorne destination church spectacular.
Yeah! Well, it's a working title.
We open next week.
I especially like the design for these mermaid puppets, although the art is showing far too much felt.
Oh yes! It's going to be a big, gaudy spectacle, you know.
Just the kind of thing you hate.
This is the kind of thing I hate! The kind of thing that I just might like to protest! I thought you might say that! Oh! You know what? I'll even let you use my favourite placard! - Well, I hate to pray and run, but I - Crowd: No go with the show! OK, this can't be good.
Uh What's going on? - Protesting.
- Protesting what? Reverend Thorne is putting on a big, fabulous musical and we are against it.
Baber! Just because it's a musical doesn't mean you can use that kind of a sign! Huh? Oh.
It's from the Wispinski incident.
Look, Baber, I know you love to protest.
But that's the thing! I always enjoy trying to ruin other people's fun.
Why am I not enjoying trying to ruin Thorne's big show? Well, you don't have a fever.
Your wife is trying to take me to second base.
I think the destination church would be better off without all the God and church and bible-y stuff.
Wow! It's like you can read my mind.
So what am I thinking about now? [ chuckles .]
- You dirty dog, you! - Uh-huh.
OK, I'm here.
Apparently, I'm the only one who cares about this audit, which is weird, - because I'm a publicist.
- Well, [ clears throat .]
if you could read my mind, you'd know the only thing I'm thinking about right now is sushi.
Well, the only sushi you're going to get in Mercy is raw fish and chips.
Oh! That sounds dangerously delicious.
[ chuckle .]
I'll give you some of that [ chuckle .]
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah Ha! Ha! Ha! That's great.
No, it's OK You know what? I'm not hungry, it's OK [ drilling .]
What's going on here? They made me! They said they'd run me out of town if I didn't help - Thorne and Ann: Shut up, Nate! - Your show is so boring that I'd really rather be working on the audit.
- I wish you meant that! - Since the town is paying for this, I thought I should have a say.
And since you don't seem to know what I want, I decided I'd just do it myself.
You said you wanted a musical with vampires! I don't even think you know what you want! I want it to be entertaining! Oh! Well, do you want me to juggle crucifixes? Well, that would be a start, but I really think your new co-star might shake things up a bit.
Hey, little brother! Huh? Why would you wear the same costumes Oh! Hello! Now I know why you like wearing these things.
They're so free! - Are you going commando in my cassock? - Obviously! [ The phone rings.
.]
- Ah! - Ah! Amaar! I thought you said you got rid of Ray-Hen! I did! She must of just climbed back in through the window.
You said you released her into the wild.
- Our backyard hardly qualifies as the wild! - Well, it's wild for her and to be fair, I haven't mowed the lawn in a couple of days, so I'll take care of it.
Thorne: OK! So, Charles, as Jonah even though I clearly look more like a Jonah, but whatever- gets swallowed up, and then the choir will sing Hungry like the whale.
Got it? Great! Let's see that.
And Jonah gets eaten.
Well, you know, really, this is more like a baleen whale, so it would just, like, eat krill.
Shut up, Nate! Jonah gets eaten.
Roar! Roar! Roar! - Roar! - And Jonah gets eaten! Wait, wait, one second.
[ Ann's cell phone dings .]
Come on! This is the dress rehearsal, for God's sake! [ Ann and Charles chuckle .]
[ Charles clears his throat .]
OK, sorry! I'm all yours.
Uh, what? Am I supposed to eat the whale now, or something? No, the wha You don't know Jonah and the whale - I know Hootie and the Blowfish.
- Cut! Brilliant! Love it! OK, crazy idea: start in the whale's belly and then flashback to the beginning.
Thanks, Yoko.
That is a crazy idea.
I like it! And, you know, technically, isn't Ann the producer? Well, executive producer, slash assistant director, slash creator.
[ Mumbling .]
: slash pain in the ass.
[ His cell phone dings .]
Oh-ho-ho! Don't go to reverend Thorne's destination church spectacular! - I won't.
- No! No! No! Don't be so quick to make up your mind.
The reverend Thorne has been working very hard on this show.
- OK, I will.
- [ Shouting .]
: No! Don't! It's an abomination! [ Calmly .]
: Starts tonight at six.
Ha! Ha! It's not really an abomination Well, a bit of an abomination, but that's beside the point.
The point is: are you having fun? No! I am against the destination church! But I want it to succeed because I know it's important to you.
Well, you know, you don't have to protest it.
You could just ignore it.
You know, sometimes, it's like you don't even know me.
Huh.
Destination church spectacular, starting tonight at six! [ Whispering .]
: No! No! No! Don't go! Don't! OK go.
I buy ticket from you or him? Him, him, yeah.
But don't! Don't.
All right, everybody! Huh Three hours until curtain.
Let's try this again, shall we? Here we go.
Hey bro! Ann thought the stakes would be higher if it was Jesus - that gets eaten by the whale.
- She did? [ nervous chuckle .]
[ deep breath .]
Come and get it, Ray-Hen! It's lunchtime! I got some nice chicken-trapping birdseed for you.
[ something spills over .]
[ cluck! cluck! .]
[ sigh .]
OK! You win! I'm tired of this game.
You know, Ray-Hen, I need something more, right now, something more than talking to poultry.
[ sigh .]
Is this any good? Places! It's the last run-through before the show.
Whenever you're ready.
- Shut up, Nate.
- Yes.
And curtain! In the beginning, there was darkness.
Then, there was light! Hey, Jesus! You missed your cue! - OK, where are they? - A script meeting in your office.
- What? Really? - Hum-hum.
- That's it! I can't believe you two are having this meeting without me! Oh my God! What Well, the revisions are good.
Then I'll go check on Sarah.
That's yours.
[ Charles clears his throat .]
Up top! You're engaged! Don't be that guy.
Bah! I'll be whatever guy I want.
I wish you were the guy who'd sanitize my desk.
Oh! Yeah! That's the new script, by the way.
It's now a heart-wrenching coming-of-age story - all about Cain and Abel.
- What? No, wait! Wait! Wait! - Dibs on Cain! - I wrote it! Yeah, but I called dibs.
Up top! I want to make a difference, you know.
I just want to change the world, but I don't know how.
Ha! Ha! What am I doing? Uh Do you want to watch some TV? [ cluck! cluck! .]
Where's the remote? Ah! Thank you.
As I was saying is it too much to ask for a sign or some guidance? Salaam alaikum.
- Walaikum assalaam.
- Who are you talking to? [ cluck! cluck! .]
No! The chicken! - Oh! Sorry! - I got to go after the chicken.
Wait! Wait! This is what we wanted.
- We bonded.
- Bonded? [ Whispering .]
: "I've gone too far.
" [ sigh .]
[ suspense music .]
There you are! Everyone's looking for you! It's a full house! How can it be a full house when Nate's advertising was so bad, huh? Whether Baber's aware of it or not, he's been building - a huge word-of-mouth campaign.
- This was bad when no one was going to show up, but now, it's really bad.
I can't do that show! You'll be fine.
Break a leg! Now get in there! I have cancelled my protest.
I want to wish you - good luck in your show.
- Ah, Baber! They've ruined my show.
They've even added a bad guy, someone whose name I can't mention.
Allah? Muhammad? They speak for him? [ Whispering .]
: No! Worse: Voldemort.
I will shut it down.
Shall I go home and get my bullhorn? Yes! Go! Go! Go get your bullhorn! [ cluck! cluck! .]
[ cluck! cluck! .]
Hey! Are you ready for this, brother? No.
Wait, uh Why do we need the whale - if we're doing Cain and Abel? - Oh! In my version, Cain throws Abel's body into the ocean, the whale eats it and that's when Jesus brings him back to life.
Uh You're not playing Jesus too, are you? It's show time, boys! [ deep breath .]
[ Whispering .]
: Amen.
Protesting the destination church! [ Laughing .]
: Protesting, yeah! In the beginning, there was darkness and God said Don't go to the destination church! Don't do it! It's just a working title, by the way.
Oh! One more thing, I'm playing Cain.
- Give me the beard.
- No, no, no! I had dibs.
I don't care, I am playing Cain.
- Gimme! Gimme! - No! I'm playing Cain! [ epic music .]
[ both .]
: I'm playing Cain! Oh! [ screeching tires .]
[ crash .]
I'm Cain! I get to kill you! I'm Cain! I wrote it so I could kill you! Gimme! [ punch .]
[ gasps in the crowd .]
[ applause .]
This is such a good production of Cain and Abel! It's so meta.
Baber! Are you sure you're OK? Yes! I'm fine, no thanks to you.
You could have gotten yourself killed, even worse, me! How can you something so silly? Running out in the road like you're a car! You're not a car, you're Amaar! [ Amaar, thinking to himself .]
: "Bild mosc".
That's my sign! What's wrong with you, Amaar? Standing in the middle of the road I think I know what I'm here to do.
- I'm here to build a mosque! - I think we can both agree that the only fair thing for you to do is buy me a new car! - Yeah, right.
- Hey! Hello-o! I am Baber, are you listening? [ exasperated sigh .]
Ah, that really got out of hand.
Yeah! We haven't fought like that since we were kids, huh? I was actually talking about the destination church.
OK.
Well, I probably owe you an apology for that.
Well, I'm your brother and a man of God, so forgiveness is kind of my thing.
- So you'll forgive me.
- No.
- Then I won't apologise.
- Fine then.
Fine with me.
I'm finished! The audit is done, no thanks to you two.
I helped with something.
Well done, Sarah! I wish I could give you a raise, but it just isn't in the budget.
Oh, believe me, it is.
You may have finished it, but only I can submit it.
- That's not what your office said.
- Oh.
[ clears throat .]
All right, well, since the audit's done, I guess I have to head back to Ottawa.
Oh! That's good riddance! Hey! Come on! Don't be like that! It was fun, like real brothers! See you in five years, huh? No, even better: make it ten.
How dare you do work? Now my engaged pseudo-boyfriend is leaving town.
The way you folks do your books, I'm sure I'll be back in no time.
[ insulted gasp .]
Come here! [ romantic music .]
You have got to be the most corrupt mayor I have ever met.
I bet you say that to all the mayors.
Hey! Hey! Hey! This is the first time I ever meant it.
It's true.
[ romantic music .]
So you wanted Amaar to kill that chicken in front of Rayyan - to show her who's boss? - No! I wanted Amaar to get mad at me for me wanting him to kill a chicken in front of Rayyan.
Oh! Yeah, right.
You're a complicated man, Baber.
Hey, wait! You think that chicken thing would work on my brother? Why would Amaar want to kill a chicken in front of your brother? You're right.
He'd never agree to it.
I don't know how I'm going to pull it off, but I'm going to build that mosque.
For the first time since we've been back you seem genuinely happy.
I am! I know what I'm here to do! OK, but do you even know how to build anything? About that, I thought I would start off with something small like a chicken coop.
[ cluck! cluck! .]
Yeah.
[ cluck! .]
Subtitle by: Kiasuseven
- Baber, talk to me.
- 'Sup? - I'm restless.
I keep trying to get a rise out of people, but no one's biting.
What? Well, you know what? I have a couple minutes right now.
Let's have an argument! OK.
About what? Well I think your hat looks a little stupid.
But you helped me pick out this topee! - You said it made my cheekbones pop.
- And it does! Look, I'm just trying to help, OK? Huh Oh, I know! - I don't recycle.
- Who does? Hippies and Hindus, that's who.
- How about a paper fight? - Not sure I'm in the mood.
- No? - Nope, - Not in the mood.
- How about now? Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do.
- One more.
How about now? - Hmm no.
Look, it's just no use.
Come on, cheer up! You're just in a bit of a funk.
Try Amaar: it's easy to get a rise out of him.
I hope so.
Sure? Come on! - Salaam alaikum.
- Walaikum assalaam.
- What's with the chicken? - It's a belated wedding gift.
- Wow! - I named her Ray-Hen! Ray-Hen? Don't you think that's a little offensive? It is totally offensive.
Ah.
Baber, are you trying to get my goat? A goat would have upset you more? Oh, Baber! You're better than this! Little Mosque on the Prairie S06E06 Destination Chicken Amaar: Why are you giving us a chicken? It's part of an old village wedding tradition - It will make your wife respect you.
- Respect me? Look, just because I pick up Rayyan's dry-cleaning and do most all of the housework doesn't mean she doesn't respect me.
I didn't even know about any of those things.
You just decided Rayyan doesn't respect me? Snap its neck and slit its throat, of course.
You want me to kill the chicken? Yes! in the bedroom, in front of Rayyan.
It'll set the mood.
Does that make you curious? OK, you know what? It's the thought that counts Thank you.
You're welcome.
[ cluck! cluck! .]
[ cluck! cluck! .]
Ha! Ugh! This town has so much debt, I'm going to need another calculator.
Too bad we can only afford that one.
Could you two keep it down, I'm trying to find out what kind of lover I am.
"When you meet someone "of the opposite sex, " "The first thing you notice about them" - "is A) their eyes " - We should be working.
"B) Their lap C) Their salary.
" These accounts are not going to audit themselves.
- Definitely - Both: their salary.
Oh! Hello.
[ They both chuckle .]
D) Not engaged.
[ He clears his throat .]
Well, you know the one thing Mercy is good at.
- Mayors! - PR.
- And not making money.
Well, no surprise there.
The biggest attraction in town is a church that harbours terrorists.
- Ann! - Fair enough: Nothing's been proven yet.
Have you thought of adding something to Mercy to make it more of a tourist destination? We should make the church a destination church! - What's that? - You know! One of those gaudy, obnoxious, spectacle churches, - The kind of crap people go crazy for.
- I love it! - A big, cheesy show.
Then it's decided: Mercy Anglican is becoming a destination church.
Isn't that up to reverend Thorne? If I know my brother, there's no way he won't do it.
- There's no way I'm doing it.
- What? Why? It can't be done.
I've looked at this from every angle and a small community, on a limited budget, in this venue: it can't be done! I really think we can make this work.
And I've crunched the numbers.
Well Baber crunched the numbers: he thought he was doing my taxes.
The point is, the numbers have been crunched.
- We can't do a big show.
- Come on, Billy! - No.
And stop calling me Billy.
- Come on! We can hang out.
No! And that's another reason why I'm not doing this, Chuck.
Yeah, you know the whole Chuck thing doesn't really bother me.
OK, sidebar.
Can we do this without him? Just drop all the religious garbage? Drop all the relig Oh, my God! That is so crazy it just might work.
And you know who should do it.
You! - Oh! No, no - Yes.
No, gosh! I haven't been on stage in years but yes.
Yeah, I will do it and I will make it the best damn show - this town has even seen.
- No! You're an accountant! What do you know about performing? [ insulted gasp .]
Sir, I will have you know that I once did a one man comedy show and there was not a dry eye - in the house, OK? - Thank you! All right, wait! Wait! Wait! OK! You've twisted my arm.
God willing, I will find a way to make this work.
Great! And Charles can help.
Oh! You know what would be better than Charles helping? Charles not helping.
Well, I'll tell you - Yeah, we're good.
- I think so.
Something smells good in here! - Dinner will be ready in ten.
- Mm! Oh! Amaar! Are you aware of this or should I be calling the exterminator? This is Ray-Hen.
She's a belated wedding gift.
- Ray-Hen? Should I be offended? - Well, Baber named her.
- So yeah, probably.
- Wait, this isn't dinner, is it? No! We're having stir-fry, vegetarian stir-fry.
OK, so what are we going to do with it? Huh I don't know.
I guess I have to kill it.
[ She bursts out laughing .]
Yeah! Oh! Honey, I'm sorry.
I just can't really picture you killing anything.
I can kill a chicken! probably.
Why don't you just release it into the wild or something? - Maybe.
- At this point, actually, I'd really be happy if you just release her from our house.
And Jonah told the sailors that he brought the storm upon them by ignoring the Lord's will.
[ storm sounds .]
And he jumped overboard to spare their lives! [ thunder .]
Jonah struggled to stay afloat as the storm raged on! [ thunder .]
Wave after wave crashed down as Jonah Caw! Caw! Seagull.
I thought we agreed on confetti.
- I want it to feel more real.
- Oh, I'll make it feel real all right.
- Really, it was the best part.
- Take five.
Go get a sandwich! You can't judge a show by the first rehearsal.
Why Jonah and the whale, huh? Seems a little juvenile.
You're juvenile! We're doing Jonah because it's about mercy.
You see what I did there? The mercy and Mercy? That's too thinky.
It would be lost on everyone but you two.
- I totally agree.
[ She slaps his butt .]
- Oh! Huh OK, everybody take a break.
Hey! You're engaged or have you forgotten? Oh, that's just a little harmless flirt.
- Hey! Dibs on that donut! - Damn.
Damn you! - Hey! You may be the pope - Reverend.
- Whatever.
But even I know you can't damn me: I looked it up.
Amaar: Ray-Hen! Come out, come out, wherever you are! [ cluck! cluck! .]
I don't like hurting animals.
I don't like hurting anything! [ cluck! cluck! .]
Ray-Hen! [ cluck! cluck! .]
Ha! [ cluck! cluck! .]
Ray-Hen! - God, that is the best donut - Reverend, we need to talk about the play.
Why is that the worst thing I've ever seen? Come on! It wasn't that bad, especially considering our limited budget.
It's true.
I'm just doing this to help build a sense of community.
up, Nate.
How much money do you need? can't finance the show with the town's budget! 'll give up my trip to Hawaii! - la-la-la-la! I should not be hearing this! .
If I give you this money, do you promise - to make the show less boring? - Ha! Ha! Yes! OK, great! Pyrotechnics might work.
Musicals have a lot of traction these days, as do vampires just saying.
There are no vampires in the Bible.
[ silence .]
OK.
Thank you.
Amaar: Ray-Hen, if I don't find you, Rayyan is gonna kill me.
I got you now! [ cluck! cluck! .]
You [ sigh .]
Well, actually, that solves that.
Reverend: Baber! Come here and check this out.
What's all this? This, my friend is the reverend Thorne destination church spectacular.
Yeah! Well, it's a working title.
We open next week.
I especially like the design for these mermaid puppets, although the art is showing far too much felt.
Oh yes! It's going to be a big, gaudy spectacle, you know.
Just the kind of thing you hate.
This is the kind of thing I hate! The kind of thing that I just might like to protest! I thought you might say that! Oh! You know what? I'll even let you use my favourite placard! - Well, I hate to pray and run, but I - Crowd: No go with the show! OK, this can't be good.
Uh What's going on? - Protesting.
- Protesting what? Reverend Thorne is putting on a big, fabulous musical and we are against it.
Baber! Just because it's a musical doesn't mean you can use that kind of a sign! Huh? Oh.
It's from the Wispinski incident.
Look, Baber, I know you love to protest.
But that's the thing! I always enjoy trying to ruin other people's fun.
Why am I not enjoying trying to ruin Thorne's big show? Well, you don't have a fever.
Your wife is trying to take me to second base.
I think the destination church would be better off without all the God and church and bible-y stuff.
Wow! It's like you can read my mind.
So what am I thinking about now? [ chuckles .]
- You dirty dog, you! - Uh-huh.
OK, I'm here.
Apparently, I'm the only one who cares about this audit, which is weird, - because I'm a publicist.
- Well, [ clears throat .]
if you could read my mind, you'd know the only thing I'm thinking about right now is sushi.
Well, the only sushi you're going to get in Mercy is raw fish and chips.
Oh! That sounds dangerously delicious.
[ chuckle .]
I'll give you some of that [ chuckle .]
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah Ha! Ha! Ha! That's great.
No, it's OK You know what? I'm not hungry, it's OK [ drilling .]
What's going on here? They made me! They said they'd run me out of town if I didn't help - Thorne and Ann: Shut up, Nate! - Your show is so boring that I'd really rather be working on the audit.
- I wish you meant that! - Since the town is paying for this, I thought I should have a say.
And since you don't seem to know what I want, I decided I'd just do it myself.
You said you wanted a musical with vampires! I don't even think you know what you want! I want it to be entertaining! Oh! Well, do you want me to juggle crucifixes? Well, that would be a start, but I really think your new co-star might shake things up a bit.
Hey, little brother! Huh? Why would you wear the same costumes Oh! Hello! Now I know why you like wearing these things.
They're so free! - Are you going commando in my cassock? - Obviously! [ The phone rings.
.]
- Ah! - Ah! Amaar! I thought you said you got rid of Ray-Hen! I did! She must of just climbed back in through the window.
You said you released her into the wild.
- Our backyard hardly qualifies as the wild! - Well, it's wild for her and to be fair, I haven't mowed the lawn in a couple of days, so I'll take care of it.
Thorne: OK! So, Charles, as Jonah even though I clearly look more like a Jonah, but whatever- gets swallowed up, and then the choir will sing Hungry like the whale.
Got it? Great! Let's see that.
And Jonah gets eaten.
Well, you know, really, this is more like a baleen whale, so it would just, like, eat krill.
Shut up, Nate! Jonah gets eaten.
Roar! Roar! Roar! - Roar! - And Jonah gets eaten! Wait, wait, one second.
[ Ann's cell phone dings .]
Come on! This is the dress rehearsal, for God's sake! [ Ann and Charles chuckle .]
[ Charles clears his throat .]
OK, sorry! I'm all yours.
Uh, what? Am I supposed to eat the whale now, or something? No, the wha You don't know Jonah and the whale - I know Hootie and the Blowfish.
- Cut! Brilliant! Love it! OK, crazy idea: start in the whale's belly and then flashback to the beginning.
Thanks, Yoko.
That is a crazy idea.
I like it! And, you know, technically, isn't Ann the producer? Well, executive producer, slash assistant director, slash creator.
[ Mumbling .]
: slash pain in the ass.
[ His cell phone dings .]
Oh-ho-ho! Don't go to reverend Thorne's destination church spectacular! - I won't.
- No! No! No! Don't be so quick to make up your mind.
The reverend Thorne has been working very hard on this show.
- OK, I will.
- [ Shouting .]
: No! Don't! It's an abomination! [ Calmly .]
: Starts tonight at six.
Ha! Ha! It's not really an abomination Well, a bit of an abomination, but that's beside the point.
The point is: are you having fun? No! I am against the destination church! But I want it to succeed because I know it's important to you.
Well, you know, you don't have to protest it.
You could just ignore it.
You know, sometimes, it's like you don't even know me.
Huh.
Destination church spectacular, starting tonight at six! [ Whispering .]
: No! No! No! Don't go! Don't! OK go.
I buy ticket from you or him? Him, him, yeah.
But don't! Don't.
All right, everybody! Huh Three hours until curtain.
Let's try this again, shall we? Here we go.
Hey bro! Ann thought the stakes would be higher if it was Jesus - that gets eaten by the whale.
- She did? [ nervous chuckle .]
[ deep breath .]
Come and get it, Ray-Hen! It's lunchtime! I got some nice chicken-trapping birdseed for you.
[ something spills over .]
[ cluck! cluck! .]
[ sigh .]
OK! You win! I'm tired of this game.
You know, Ray-Hen, I need something more, right now, something more than talking to poultry.
[ sigh .]
Is this any good? Places! It's the last run-through before the show.
Whenever you're ready.
- Shut up, Nate.
- Yes.
And curtain! In the beginning, there was darkness.
Then, there was light! Hey, Jesus! You missed your cue! - OK, where are they? - A script meeting in your office.
- What? Really? - Hum-hum.
- That's it! I can't believe you two are having this meeting without me! Oh my God! What Well, the revisions are good.
Then I'll go check on Sarah.
That's yours.
[ Charles clears his throat .]
Up top! You're engaged! Don't be that guy.
Bah! I'll be whatever guy I want.
I wish you were the guy who'd sanitize my desk.
Oh! Yeah! That's the new script, by the way.
It's now a heart-wrenching coming-of-age story - all about Cain and Abel.
- What? No, wait! Wait! Wait! - Dibs on Cain! - I wrote it! Yeah, but I called dibs.
Up top! I want to make a difference, you know.
I just want to change the world, but I don't know how.
Ha! Ha! What am I doing? Uh Do you want to watch some TV? [ cluck! cluck! .]
Where's the remote? Ah! Thank you.
As I was saying is it too much to ask for a sign or some guidance? Salaam alaikum.
- Walaikum assalaam.
- Who are you talking to? [ cluck! cluck! .]
No! The chicken! - Oh! Sorry! - I got to go after the chicken.
Wait! Wait! This is what we wanted.
- We bonded.
- Bonded? [ Whispering .]
: "I've gone too far.
" [ sigh .]
[ suspense music .]
There you are! Everyone's looking for you! It's a full house! How can it be a full house when Nate's advertising was so bad, huh? Whether Baber's aware of it or not, he's been building - a huge word-of-mouth campaign.
- This was bad when no one was going to show up, but now, it's really bad.
I can't do that show! You'll be fine.
Break a leg! Now get in there! I have cancelled my protest.
I want to wish you - good luck in your show.
- Ah, Baber! They've ruined my show.
They've even added a bad guy, someone whose name I can't mention.
Allah? Muhammad? They speak for him? [ Whispering .]
: No! Worse: Voldemort.
I will shut it down.
Shall I go home and get my bullhorn? Yes! Go! Go! Go get your bullhorn! [ cluck! cluck! .]
[ cluck! cluck! .]
Hey! Are you ready for this, brother? No.
Wait, uh Why do we need the whale - if we're doing Cain and Abel? - Oh! In my version, Cain throws Abel's body into the ocean, the whale eats it and that's when Jesus brings him back to life.
Uh You're not playing Jesus too, are you? It's show time, boys! [ deep breath .]
[ Whispering .]
: Amen.
Protesting the destination church! [ Laughing .]
: Protesting, yeah! In the beginning, there was darkness and God said Don't go to the destination church! Don't do it! It's just a working title, by the way.
Oh! One more thing, I'm playing Cain.
- Give me the beard.
- No, no, no! I had dibs.
I don't care, I am playing Cain.
- Gimme! Gimme! - No! I'm playing Cain! [ epic music .]
[ both .]
: I'm playing Cain! Oh! [ screeching tires .]
[ crash .]
I'm Cain! I get to kill you! I'm Cain! I wrote it so I could kill you! Gimme! [ punch .]
[ gasps in the crowd .]
[ applause .]
This is such a good production of Cain and Abel! It's so meta.
Baber! Are you sure you're OK? Yes! I'm fine, no thanks to you.
You could have gotten yourself killed, even worse, me! How can you something so silly? Running out in the road like you're a car! You're not a car, you're Amaar! [ Amaar, thinking to himself .]
: "Bild mosc".
That's my sign! What's wrong with you, Amaar? Standing in the middle of the road I think I know what I'm here to do.
- I'm here to build a mosque! - I think we can both agree that the only fair thing for you to do is buy me a new car! - Yeah, right.
- Hey! Hello-o! I am Baber, are you listening? [ exasperated sigh .]
Ah, that really got out of hand.
Yeah! We haven't fought like that since we were kids, huh? I was actually talking about the destination church.
OK.
Well, I probably owe you an apology for that.
Well, I'm your brother and a man of God, so forgiveness is kind of my thing.
- So you'll forgive me.
- No.
- Then I won't apologise.
- Fine then.
Fine with me.
I'm finished! The audit is done, no thanks to you two.
I helped with something.
Well done, Sarah! I wish I could give you a raise, but it just isn't in the budget.
Oh, believe me, it is.
You may have finished it, but only I can submit it.
- That's not what your office said.
- Oh.
[ clears throat .]
All right, well, since the audit's done, I guess I have to head back to Ottawa.
Oh! That's good riddance! Hey! Come on! Don't be like that! It was fun, like real brothers! See you in five years, huh? No, even better: make it ten.
How dare you do work? Now my engaged pseudo-boyfriend is leaving town.
The way you folks do your books, I'm sure I'll be back in no time.
[ insulted gasp .]
Come here! [ romantic music .]
You have got to be the most corrupt mayor I have ever met.
I bet you say that to all the mayors.
Hey! Hey! Hey! This is the first time I ever meant it.
It's true.
[ romantic music .]
So you wanted Amaar to kill that chicken in front of Rayyan - to show her who's boss? - No! I wanted Amaar to get mad at me for me wanting him to kill a chicken in front of Rayyan.
Oh! Yeah, right.
You're a complicated man, Baber.
Hey, wait! You think that chicken thing would work on my brother? Why would Amaar want to kill a chicken in front of your brother? You're right.
He'd never agree to it.
I don't know how I'm going to pull it off, but I'm going to build that mosque.
For the first time since we've been back you seem genuinely happy.
I am! I know what I'm here to do! OK, but do you even know how to build anything? About that, I thought I would start off with something small like a chicken coop.
[ cluck! cluck! .]
Yeah.
[ cluck! .]
Subtitle by: Kiasuseven