Live at The Apollo (2004) s03e01 Episode Script

Jack Dee

MUSIC PLAYS Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Jack Dee! APPLAUSE GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS Thank you, how are you? Oh! What a great audience.
Thank you, yeah.
Welcome back to another series of Live At The Apollo Yeah! APPLAUSE I know! I owe you all an apology because I was rude about Hammersmith in the last series.
A lot of complaints, I'm really sorry.
I love Hammersmith, and if you have to be rehoused, this is the place, this is it.
Cos this is where I started my career, many years ago, in Hammersmith.
Not at a comedy club, it was a, well, it was a massage parlour.
I only handed out towels, I never did anything else.
Only when they were short-staffed, then I turned tricks, but nothing else, ever! It's great to be here, it's like being on X Factor, this.
You see some scary bastards on that show, don't you? I think the families put them up to do that cos they don't want to tell them themselves, "You're shit.
" LAUGHTER "No, go on, honestly, honestly, I reckon Simon'll love you!" HE WARBLES "Me, a pop singer? You're stupid! "You're talking stupid, you are! "I've got the X factor, me!" Yes, you have.
Missing from your chromosomes.
APPLAUSE Where do these psychopaths come from? They change when they're told they can't sing.
They're very sweet to begin with.
"Please, Sharon, you've no idea how much this means to me, I'll love you for ever, please!" "I'm sorry, it's a no.
" "You slut!" LAUGHTER You're a wonderful audience, this is really nice.
I know we've got a few celebrities in the audience I want to say hello to.
I know Wendy Peters is here, from Hello, how are you? From Coronation Street.
I love Corrie, it's a fantastic show.
You know, that half-hour slot three times a week, when you're less likely to get burgled in Manchester.
Then at eight o'clock, the power surge when they all get up to put their kettles on.
So they can have a bath.
LAUGHTER It's all right.
Listen, you know Richard Hammond was going to be here, from Top Gear, but I was looking forward to him I know! The Hamster! I had some shredded newspaper for him to sit on and everything.
He was gonna be here this afternoon.
I rang and said, "You ARE coming?" "Yeah, I am, I'll be there, don't worry.
"I'm driving myself.
" Oh, bloody hell.
LAUGHTER And Penny Smith.
Where's Penny? Hey, Penny, how are you? Penny Smith from GMTV.
Let's hear it, please, for Penny.
She has the most important job on GMTV.
Yeah, she does.
She's the one who has to burn the phone bills.
Which reminds me, the text thing.
You can text, during the show, if you wanna text me, you've got the number, it's given out on your tickets so please feel free to text and Obviously, I know there's been a lot of worry about whether this is a real thing or you're just being wound up.
After the Blue Peter scandal, it was a crisis, I know.
It's terrible, the whole country are in shock.
Blue Peter had this competition to name their new kitten, and all the kids wrote in with their suggestion and for some reason, they decided to call it Socks instead.
Whereas the most popular suggestion from the kids was Throw The Bastard In The Canal.
You're a lovely-looking audience, though, I like the front row.
Couple here, nice to see you, all right? You a couple? They don't know.
Maybe they are, maybe they're not.
She's me mum.
She's your mum? LAUGHTER Get your arm off her, you dirty bastard.
Sorry, everyone, that's Hammersmith for you.
You know, I see Nice couple there, lovely.
I don't know cos I've been married a long time, and it struck me, I'm completely out of the dating game.
I wouldn't know what to do.
Nowadays, it's all done a different way.
You got internet, internet dating.
This incredible thing, you get people, they meet up in these chatrooms, in a mysterious world where they get to know each other.
"I'm so excited we're finally meeting, it'll be great.
" Why? "Cos we got to know each other.
" No, you didn't.
Face it, all you actually know about them is that they can type.
LAUGHTER "Oh, no, he's not like that at all.
He wasn't at all pushy.
"He insisted we waited at least three months before we met.
" Yes, he was in Parkhurst! LAUGHTER There's no way of telling.
I like the old-fashioned way of placing an advert in the paper, because then at least you have a clue you can follow.
If it says "sensitive", you know they're gonna be chippy.
No, you're not, you're not going anywhere.
That's why you placed an advert in the paper.
There are little clues to follow.
If it says "bubbly personality", don't expect a thin person.
Probably the only bubbly thing about them will be the family-sized bar of Aero sticking out their back pocket.
Sorry! I'm not saying it can't work, cos obviously it can.
People do meet up.
I actually know a couple who met on the internet.
They met on the internet, he proposed to her on the internet.
They arranged their marriage on the internet, they booked their honeymoon tickets on the internet.
The whole thing was made possible from the computer.
And then, ironically, on the way back, they crashed.
Sorry we started a little bit late, as well.
There's a lot of trouble I can't believe how selfish people are in this day and age not to use public transport.
Unbelievable, isn't it? I couldn't park my Humvee anywhere near the place.
Went round the block 15 times, had to refuel twice.
Eventually I found an empty space.
I assume it was empty, I'm so high up in that thing, I was just reversing in I heard something crunch.
It could have been a Coke can, maybe a sports car, I don't know.
Their fault for parking in a disabled spot, to be honest.
Wish I'd never bought it now.
The abuse I have had since I bought that damn thing.
You know, only the other day, "Wanker, wanker!" I wouldn't have minded but I was on a train! LAUGHTER We live in modern times, it's impossible not to pollute.
Yes, I own a car, oo-er! Yes, I sometimes buy imported fruit, does that make me so bad? I am sick and tired of being made to feel guilty every time I throw a fridge in a river.
LAUGHTER You can't even throw your rubbish away any more.
You gotta have a blue bin for this, a red bin for that, an orange sack for this.
Paper here, cardboard there.
I wanna throw it away, not file it.
I was in trouble with the council.
I live in London.
I was in trouble with the council for not getting rid of my rubbish responsibly.
I just said, "Listen, pal, it's my front garden, OK?" LAUGHTER It's my mattress, I'll have a bonfire if I want.
It's too late.
Maybe it is too late.
The polar ice caps are melting! But you can't do anything about it.
You should never refreeze anyway, it's not safe.
It's like a giant freezer that has been switched off.
The way I look at it, we've got three days to eat all the penguins .
or they'll have to be thrown out! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I can't wait, East London, the Olympics, when they come here, it'll be just incredible.
Aren't we looking forward to the Olympics? Gonna be so exciting.
And I read yesterday, they're gonna bury a time capsule under the Olympic Village.
It's called Hackney.
Hah! It's gonna be great.
I don't like these people who are just sceptical about it.
"Oh, it'll cost so much, we shouldn't have done it.
" I think you'll find that when the Olympic stadium is built and open, it'll be one of the proudest days of 2013.
LAUGHTER We all like to get value for money.
I do, my God, I'm in.
It doesn't matter what it is.
I go for a haircut and they say, "Do you want it tapered or straight at the back?" I don't give a toss.
But I figured it probably is harder work, takes longer, to taper it.
So I say, "Yeah, taper it.
"Don't try and rip me off with a straight back!" Goes with the free gel on as well, my friend.
I'll wash it off when I get back, but I might as well have it now.
Scissor monkey! Don't try that with me, yeah.
I know what you guys are up to.
Everyone trying to rip you off.
You park your car, you buy a ticket, you go shopping, you come back.
Before you've even started the car, someone's pulled up alongside you - "Are you going?!" Well, let's see Yes, I am .
in 12 minutes.
Oh, Euston Station! Euston Station - 20p to use the public toilet.
20p! Why would I pay 20p to do something that I can do for free up against the window of Tie Rack? Just to go in and have a pee.
Then I thought, "I'm going to sit down.
I'm going to squeeze one out.
" I want my value for money here.
Then I had a better idea.
Went off, bought myself a big packet of liquorice.
Ate the lot.
Went to Starbucks.
Got a packet of bran muffins.
Came back.
Stood outside the lavatories.
Ate the bran muffins.
Drank down my pint of espresso.
I'm thinking by now, "They'll be paying me to leave.
" A word to the wise if you try this yourself.
Make sure you've got a 20p piece on you.
And if you are the traumatized shop assistant from Tie Rack .
I apologize.
No-one deserves that.
So, time now for my first guest - a young comedian from Manchester, who started in the business collecting glasses at his local comedy club.
Funnily enough, that's how I started, collecting glasses at the Comedy Store.
Sometimes I could collect as many as three before I got out the first joke.
Um There will be no such problem for this man.
He is very, very funny.
Please make him feel welcome.
Jason Manford! APPLAUSE Hello.
How are you? Hello.
Are you all right? AUDIENCE WHOOPS Good, good.
Thanks for staring.
That makes the job a little bit easier - 3,000 people like that.
What's this fat Michael Owen doing? Just staring at me like? I get that laugh every morning.
Like Jack said, I am from Manchester.
Have we got anybody in from Manchester? SPASMODIC WHOOPS Look at that, spread around the room in case it kicks off.
Good thinking.
Always thinking security, aren't they? No, it's a great city.
There's a lot of bad weather, of course.
We always get wound up cos it is always raining.
Me dad always says, "The weather in Manchester is like the Muslims in Iraq.
"It's either sunny or it's shi-ite.
" I know A few of you got a bit worried there, halfway through that joke, didn't you? Hold on.
You just said Muslims.
Leave it out, mate.
It was just simple international word play.
That's all it was.
All friends here.
Liverpool has a strange relationship with Manchester as well.
Anybody in from Liverpool? VOICES IN AUDIENCE: Yeah.
I thought we might have priced you out.
Not to worry.
I love Liverpool.
It's a beautiful city.
I remember when I first went.
I support Manchester City.
And I remember going over there in me Manchester City shirt and I stopped this bloke at the train station.
"I am trying to find the docks.
Can you help?" And he turned round and he went Which is a word in Liverpool.
Right? Honestly.
It means you're not welcome.
You pick it up quick enough.
Eventually he got to some sound.
He went, "Eh?" Cos they are naturally witty.
They are born with that.
STRONG MOCK LIVERPOOL ACCEN He said, "What are you doing over here in Liverpoo ".
ool?" I love them.
I do.
At that stage, you're tempted to say, "Calm down.
" But that makes things worse.
He won't like that.
I was very brave.
I looked him in the eye and said, "Listen, I asked you for directions, Officer.
"You are bang out of order.
" So But football has that problem.
There's a lot of cities hate each other just because of the football.
I support City.
Obviously Manchester United is our nearest club.
Any United fans in? WHEY! Of course we have.
We're in Hammersmith.
There's always a United fan.
Every gig I do.
They're like rats.
You're only ever three metres away from one of the bastards.
I love football, but I am getting to the stage where I am beginning to dislike footballers.
These multi-millionaires running around the pitch.
Every five minutes, "I've hurt meself!" There was a bloke a few weeks back, he missed three Premiership games with a dead leg.
Now, that's not an injury, a dead leg.
When I was a kid, I had three dead legs in one day, right.
And that was for free.
I still had to do PE and walk home.
That's not an injury, mate.
My granddad's favourite footballer was a German goalkeeper called Bert Trautmann.
In the 1956 FA Cup Finals, does anyone know what happened to old Bert? MAN: Broke his neck! Look at you like the quiz team.
Bang, straight in.
No messing about.
Good work.
He broke his neck and carried on playing.
That's how hard they were in the '50s.
The metatarsal - not even invented in 1956.
He just got up and carried on with a wobbly head.
Not bothered.
Not bothered.
Not these days.
It's, "The fans keep shouting nasty things at us.
" Winds me up.
And I am there in the crowd, thinking, "Do you know what? "You're on 60 grand a week.
If I think you're a knob head, I will tell you.
Right?" And that's the way it should work, cos if I was on that sort of money, I'd take it as well.
I'd stay an extra half hour at the end of the game to take it.
"You're a knob head!" "I know, see you next week, lads.
" Yeah.
"Your mum's a knob head!" "Yeah, but you should see her house.
See ya later.
" Who is the winner? Do you know what I mean? Privileged.
And there's another fella I am sure some of you will know.
It's the England fullbacks Gary and Phil Neville's dad.
Does anyone know what he's called? NEVILLE! That's right - Neville Neville.
Sometimes the ship rights itself.
For years I've been thinking how's he called Neville Neville? It doesn't make any sense.
That's like a christening gone wrong.
I think I've worked it out.
I've had this idea.
Picture the scene.
He's about 17.
He's gone for a job interview.
He's in a suit.
He's good-looking like his lads.
He's gone in.
They give him a form and a pen.
He's sat down.
He's gone to pop his surname in the box - Neville.
There we go.
"Aw, shit.
"Put me bloody surname in the wrong box now.
" And that's easily done, you know what I mean? I've done that myself on a form.
But what can you do on a job interview? "I've done me name wrong.
Can I have another one?" Job's not yours if you can't do your name right.
You have to think quick.
"I'll just put Neville Neville.
That'll be all right, that.
"Be funny for a few weeks.
That'll die down.
" No, it won't.
It'd be the worst job interview of anyone's life.
Just sat there - "So, Mr, er "That your name, is it, Neville Neville?" "Yeah, that's me, mate, yeah.
"Me mum was a bit mental, like, so" "28 Neville St? What's going on?" No, I like the football.
It's funny, cos with my girlfriend I have been trying to lose a bit of weight.
I've been on this Gillian McKeith diet.
I don't know if anyone has tried this.
She does that show You Are What You Eat and at some point in her life she's eaten a proper miserable bitch.
I'm telling you.
I've been doing it for a while and I've lost a bit, but it's hard work.
You've got to watch her programme and go for her books.
Do you know what she does in this show? She decides what you should be eating.
Does anyone know what else? She looks at your poo.
Which is disgusting, right? And I've got one of them HD tellies as well and that's not the show to watch in.
She said to this poor bloke, "I am afraid, John, I've been going through your poo" It's in a Tupperware box.
It's not just in her hand.
She said That's a different show.
She said, "I've been going through your poo and it absolutely stinks.
" And I sat back on me couch and I thought to meself, "Out of the two of them, who needs to reassess their lives?" I don't know.
Have you ever nearly killed anyone? LAUGHTER Good.
That's the right answer.
When I was at university I nearly killed me best friend.
If you ever do it, make sure it's a friend.
I was at university in Manchester.
I was doing drama.
Not a course that is going to take off in the north-west, to be honest.
Trying to do Shakespeare in second year.
"Is this a dagger I see before me?" "Yeah, give me your trainers.
" That's hard to get through.
First six weeks of drama, they teach you how to breathe properly.
"We'll teach you to breathe first then we will pop you in a play.
" I said, "Well, I am all right at breathing, to be honest, like.
"I don't want to show off on me first day, but "I am brilliant at breathing, I really am.
I can do it in me sleep, I am that good.
" So I am sitting in that class every day thinking, "How do you fail this?" Oh, John's dead.
That's a third.
And I had this helium canister in me flat cos I was doing this project, blowing up balloons obviously, and me mate Big Stu came in.
He's 6ft 5, stocky built.
He plays rugby so he is a bit thick.
You know the type.
"J, let's have a go at the helium.
" "All right, you can have the one go.
" I had been putting it in balloons and sucking it out, but he went straight for the pressurized canister.
And when you're mates and you're lads and you can see your friend is in danger, you say nothing.
Cos you can see this story opening up in front of you - I am going to dine out on this.
And he went, "Oh, we got squeaky voices.
Let's ring for a pizza.
" And they love it.
Domino's at half past two in the morning when they are closing up.
"Can I have a nine-and-a-half-inch Mexican, please?" You shit yourself when he turns up, but it is funny for a bit.
And taxis as well.
There's a taxi company near me called Dolphin Taxis.
Sometimes you ring up CLICKS That's how they answer the phone.
That means he's five minutes away.
You pick it up but it's hard.
Once I rung up You know when people are in the middle of a conversation and they pick up? And usually it is your mum going, "Yeah, get him a sandwich.
Hello?" And it's all right.
Sometimes it is a little sinister because you hear the end of something.
She went, "Yes, stabbed him in his face.
Hello, taxi.
" I'm all right.
Did I do 141? Did I do 141? I did.
Now I had this canister in me flat and it was brilliant.
My mate Stu come in.
"I am going to have a go.
" "Go on, knock yourself out.
" He did.
He put his mouth on the nozzle.
Pressed the button.
HE SUCKS IN And it blew up in his face.
He flew right across the room.
Student flat - didn't fly far.
He's on the floor.
And I felt really bad cos I've got a Duke Of Edinburgh Award.
I thought, "I probably should use that at some point.
" Only a Bronze.
I am not a dickhead.
I had friends, right? And he's on the floor and I am going, "Stuart, are you all right, mate?" And is face is bright red.
"Mate, talk to me!" And he's clutching his chest.
He's a massive lad.
And I am going, "Come on, mate.
" And eventually he sort of stumbles.
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE "I can't breathe.
I think I am going to die!" HIGH-PITCHED WHEEZING And he breathed like that for a week.
It was brilliant.
Even the ambulance men were laughing.
It was a right laugh.
The best game of rugby I have ever seen in my life it was.
HIGH VOICE "Pass it to me.
" "All right.
" Before I go I want to recommend something to you.
The sat nav.
Somebody will have one already.
Who's got sat nav already? Right, if you've got one, do this.
You can start downloading celebrity voices.
And, honestly, it never gets boring.
There's some of them you can put your own voice on.
My girlfriend went, "Oh, I'll record you one.
" "I don't think so.
"That's all I need, you going, 'It was that last left.
' " I've got Mr T on mine.
Right? Six months I've had it.
It's still funny, right? "Turn left, sucker!" I swear to God.
"Turn right at the roundabout, fool!" It won't go to the airport, but apart from that it is brilliant.
Folks, enjoy the rest of your night.
I'll see you again.
I'm Jason Manford.
Thank you.
Jason Manford.
Actually, one disappointment and we may as well get this said now.
I will only be hosting this show of the series.
Yeah, just the one.
AUDIENCE: Aw What's happened is the Beeb were very good.
They let me know straightaway, via the listings in Radio Times.
No, come on, doesn't matter.
The time has come for me to pass down the baton to the new generation who are coming through.
Like Joan Rivers and, er .
Dara O'Briain and Jimmy Carr, Lee Mack and Jo Brand will all be hosting their own shows.
The B team, you know? Yes, they are lightweights, but please try not to hate them too much.
Last thing I want is for thousands of people to write in to BBC Complaints, PO Box 1922, Glasgow G2 3WT, saying how sad they are that I am leaving.
I thought it was better to tell you now.
I don't want people watching in a couple of weeks and thinking, "God, Jack's not as funny as usual.
"And he's put on loads of weight and he's dressed as a woman.
"And he's changed his name to Dara O'Briain.
What's going on?" I'm fine about it.
I just personally think they could have kept the title.
What's wrong with Jack Dee Live At The Apollo? You know, just cos I am not in it? I mean, they stuck with Taggart, didn't they? And he actually PHYSICALLY died.
So that's out of the way.
Time now for my second guest, and you are going to love him.
He's only 25 years old.
I've got material older Anyway.
I want you to welcome onto the stage a very funny young man.
I know you are going to love him.
Please make him feel welcome.
It's his first time here.
Russell Howard! Hello.
It's the funkiest garage of all time.
Lovely to be here.
I love coming to London.
It's fantastic.
It's quite terrifying.
I live in Bristol.
When you arrive on the train, the first thing you hear over the Tannoy - "Do not approach unattended packages.
" In Bristol, I genuinely heard this the other day.
" 'Ere, don't feed the pigeons.
" Now, occasionally you'll hear something in the street so funny you'll nearly explode.
I heard this the other day in Bristol.
One girl said to another, "Marie, his dick was so big I wanted to phone you.
" That is mind-blowing.
Can you imagine that? Agh! "Marie, if I live, I loved you.
" I exploded.
Agh! You know, your proper laugh? You know when you're not allowed to laugh but all you can think about doing is laughing? Like when you see an old lady being hit by a Frisbee.
You can't help it.
I once laughed like that during a funeral.
That is awkward.
It was my dog's funeral.
It was fairly weird.
The reason we got a dog was because I was afraid of dogs.
Classic British parenting.
"He's afraid of dogs.
Let's get him a dog.
You face what you fear, son.
"What's all this about anal rape?" "I'm fine.
Just a cuddle, you lunatic.
" My mum said goodbye to the dog.
My dad said, "Arrh, arrh.
" You know when you feel your face going like that? You never know when you are going to laugh like that.
One of the funniest days I had, I went on the Countryside Alliance march.
I'm not pro or anti fox-hunting.
I like watching posh people getting beaten up.
You find me a more glorious noise than - POP - then I'll happily listen.
You are essentially laughing at somebody richer than you getting tonked.
But we all have that part of our brain where we find weird stuff funny.
Do you reckon the Queen ever brought her bedcovers up so just her head is showing? "Philip, look at me - I am a stamp.
" These ridiculous thoughts.
It's the same part of me that finds going to an old folks' home dressed as Death a little amusing.
I'd never do that but I'd giggle if I saw it.
"If we didn't chase the fox, the entire country would be over-populated by foxes.
"Is that what you want? A land of the foxes?" "Me unable to leave my house for fear of a fox wandering up and stabbing me in the gizzards? "Is that what you want? Fox upon fox prowling along my paddock, "flicking the Vs at me, walking hand in hand with asylum seekers? "Is that what you want? "A darkie riding a fox on my property on his way to violate my Mildred!" Whoa, someone needs to stop reading the Daily Express! Horrible paper.
The front cover every day - Don't Go Outside! It's full of queers, blacks and crime.
Oh, if only Diana were here.
Ridiculous! Full of bile and hate, you know? And it leads to ignorance.
It's the only reason that bloke in Liverpool ripped that Muslim lady's veil off.
What a cock! How great would it have been if he'd accidentally picked on a Ninja? "Agh, sorry, mate.
I thought you was a Muzzy.
" Burberry cap up his arse - the world's a better place.
I love defiance.
One of the great stories I heard about, there was a bloke who got put in prison for three days because he refused to stop kissing his boyfriend on a plane to Hong Kong.
How magnificent! You can't help picturing him dressed in latex.
"Lads, I am going to make this flight tense for you.
Ramon, let's do the bad thing.
" "Do you want to stop doing that or I'll fetch the stewardess?" "Whatever.
" "Stop doing that! It's not natural.
" "You're flying.
" "I'll have you put in prison.
" "What, with men? Think it through.
" We need people like that.
Defiant people, you know? I got mugged.
I don't know if you've ever been mugged and fought back.
I didn't.
I was in Brighton.
This bloke pushed me against a wall - "Give us all your money!" "I ain't got any.
" I genuinely called for my mum.
"Mum!" "Russell's in trouble!" I don't know what that is.
My mum's a meerkat all of a sudden.
I told my little brother about getting mugged.
Did he care? No.
"What happened, Russ?" "A bit of wee come out.
" He got angry.
"What did you do that for?" Like I'd done it on purpose! I'm not a toad.
I didn't try and ward him off with my venomous piss.
I didn't think, "You're under attack.
Secrete, toad boy.
Show him your powers!" I wet my pants.
He offered me advice, "Well, you know you're a weed, Russ.
Use your brain.
Next time, bamboozle the mugger.
" That was his genuine advice.
But how do you bamboozle anybody? "Give us your money.
" "What is the opposite to opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled.
Who's next?" "You want my credit card details? What colour does a Smurf go when you choke it? I am Bamboozler.
" Ridiculous! The worst superhero in the world.
If I was gonna have any superpower, I'd like the ability to make somebody orgasm just by touching them once.
That would be amazing in a fight.
"Kill him!" "Kill him, Steve.
" "I'm trying to but I'm too horny.
"He's made my belly fizz.
" I haven't got that skill.
If I had, I'd be in the zoo causing a lot of mischief.
"Which animal, old lady?" "The hippo.
" "You got it!" I'm quite confident sexually, but I make mistakes.
D'you know what I mean? Has anyone ever tried using food in the bedroom? Has anyone ever? "We're not telling you!" It went really badly.
I was 19 and I read in a magazine, "59 ways to please your lady using food.
" So I went and bought This is a mistake.
I bought a four-pack of Rolo yoghurt and rather than tell my then-girlfriend what I had planned, I pretty much waited for her like some hideous yoghurt goblin and I doubt there's anything more terrifying yet pathetic to come home and find your boyfriend naked holding yoghurt.
I panicked and I didn't put a little bit on, I pretty much covered her.
Every bit of skin I could find.
By the time I'd finished she looked like Morph She's no longer my girlfriend, she's an angry meal.
You can't lick randomly or she looks like she's got an illness.
So I did foot up to knee.
That took me an hour.
"We're having fun.
Aren't we having fun? Why aren't I going out with a hobbit?" Two hours later, I realise she's dairy intolerant, we're down the doctor's.
She looked like an angry gingerbread lady who'd had her leg dipped in Tipp-Ex.
How scary is the doctor's? If you're a bloke, you're terrified.
The posters are so fear-mongering.
You're sat there.
You look up, "Do you have feet?" "Yes.
" "Then you may die.
" "Are you looking at this poster? "Then you're a poof and what do poofs get? AIDS.
" There's fear.
There should be ONE poster - of a really old man going, "Probably nothing.
" We need a bit of hope.
But I'm scared of everything.
There's a kid on my street who I'm scared of.
He's eight.
But if you look deep into his eyes, you can see prison.
He looks like he should be on Supernanny, hitting his mum.
He come up to me the other day, "Russ, do you want to hear about one of my pranks?" "What you been up to?" "I'll tell you what I've been up to.
"Last Christmas, my neighbour Ben made a snowman I can only describe as arrogantly big.
" "What did you do?" He waited for that snowman to melt and then where the snowman had been he left a suicide note.
Now, THAT is evil and yet genius in equal measure.
15% of two- to eleven-year-olds in England are obese.
Not tubby, obese.
And the Government are gonna ban TV adverts of junk food, presumably so the two-year-olds can't go, "Mother, a burger, now!" "He's two and you've made him obese?" "He doesn't like veg.
" "He's TWO!" "Ban the adverts.
" "Ban your fanny till you can look after what plops out of it.
" That is outrageous.
He's two years old.
None of us like broccoli when we're two.
All you've got to do - the aeroplane.
"Not eating it, Mother.
" Ee-ee-ee Terminal two is open.
"I've been tricked.
" There's ways and means to befuddle a toddler.
My dad invented a character to make my sister eat her dinner.
That character was the dinner witch.
My sister, about eight, "Not eating it.
" My dad would wink at me with such glee I'd wander outside.
Ding-dong! on the doorbell.
My dad would then lean into my sister's eight-year-old face and go, "Oh, Kerry, who could that be? "During dinner time with your plate still so full.
"I don't suppose it could be the dinner witch?" And my sister would go We found that hilarious.
She was eight.
We made her believe it.
"Go on, Dad, get her.
" The weight she put on a Hallowe'en, it was unbelievable.
"They're not real.
" "Give me a cake.
" Brilliant family, I've got.
My dad is wonderful.
My mum is beyond all mums.
Two things I know about mums.
One - they all swim the same.
"Get your hair wet?" And they get to a certain age and they don't care who they embarrass.
Recently, my mum bought a hot tub.
I don't know if anyone's been in a hot tub.
You think it'll be amazing.
You realise after a minute, you're actually having a bath outside with your mum andit's awkward.
I've got a lazy eye.
"Are you looking at my thighs, you pervert?" "No.
" She made me put an eye patch on.
Nothing bleaker.
People driving past our house, "What's that old woman doing having a bath outside with a pirate?" It got weirder.
My dad jumped in, my brother jumped in, my sister jumped in, and two of our family dogs.
We were all round the edge, really British, going, "This is weird.
" The dogs are in the middle having the time of their life.
"This is better than that dream I had about playing snooker like the photo suggests.
" And my mum, right, looked up and went, "Guess what everyone in this hot tub's got in common.
" "What?" As the dog hit me.
My mum looked up and went, "Everybody in this hot tub has sucked my tits.
" There's two dogs in here, Mum.
Is that why Dad dresses up as Lassie? We all jumped out, she was left in there giggling her little arse off.
HE GIGGLES She is tiny, my mum.
This is no word of a lie, she recently joined an under-five-foot club.
You have not seen a cuter sight until you've seen a load of tiny ladies sat around a table, their feet barely touching the floor, convinced they've all got the same things in common.
They haven't.
The only thing they've got in common - when you hoover near them, they don't have to lift their legs.
My favourite is a lady called Sue.
She's 80.
She's incredible.
She has also got a prosthetic hand.
When you're looking at an 80-year-old lady with a prosthetic hand, there's a voice in your head that's always gonna remain six, going, "Ask her every question about hands.
" You can't help it.
"Hands, hands, hands.
" We got chatting.
When she first went to school, the state of prosthetics was so poor, she went to school with a full-size man hand.
As if first day isn't terrifying enough.
"I'm nervous.
" Boom! "There's your hand.
You'll grow into that.
" "Eh? "I'm a little girl.
I'm not Gordon Banks.
" She's dragging this gargantuan claw in.
All the other girls, "Hiya, do you want to do some skipping?" "Yeah, that'll be lovely.
" "Join in when you're ready.
" She'd go up to them, "Oh! Fear me.
" Imagine the fun you'd have at school with a big hand.
First thing I'd do is linger outside Specsavers waiting for people who'd just had their eyes checked.
" "It could be you.
" Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for having me.
It's been a pleasure.
Russell Howard there.
I would I'd ask him to do an encore but it's way past his bedtime and he's got double PE in the morning, so Right, now some texts, see what you've been sending here on the oldphone.
Let me see.
"Jack, have they asked you to do Who Do You Think You Are?" They have, actually.
I was gonna do it but they wanted to drag my family into it.
I didn't want that.
"Man marries deaf girl" Oh, dear.
"He says, 'We must work out a code.
" 'I will touch your left breast if I want sex.
" 'You must pull my penis once for yes, " '150 times for no.
' " Please! I think we've worked fairly hard to keep the level a little bit higher than that.
"Little boy tells social worker, 'Don't want to live with my mum and dad cos they beat me.
' " 'Who do you want to live with?' " 'The Welsh rugby team " 'as they don't beat anyone.
' " "A man found drowned in the Thames wearing a Chelsea shirt "women's underwear, fishnet stockings and a sex toy rammed up his rear end.
"Police removed his Chelsea top to save his family any embarrassment.
" It's from Jose Mourinho.
"Jack, I've cancelled my appointment at the wart clinic to come and see you.
" Well, if you're the person I was standing next to in the cubicles just then, I suggest you re-book.
Huh! Cock like a Lion Bar, I tell you.
That's enough of that.
Well, it's it's been great, ladies and gentlemen.
But I'm ready for a break.
This time next week, I'll sit down and watch the show at home and have a beer maybe and a couple of glasses of Scotch.
Might as well make a night of it.
"Cheers, Joan.
" Until my wife finds me weeping on the bathroom floor at four in the morning.
On that happy note, goodbye.
Thank you very much.
Russell Howard, Jason Manford.
See you later.

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