Live at The Apollo (2004) s04e03 Episode Script
Sean Lock, Jason Manford
'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight' CHEERING, APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES FUNKY THEME MUSIC Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Do you like my music? I thought I'd get in the mood.
I'm hoping to reclaim it.
Thanks for that lovely welcome.
Lovely to be here at the Apollo.
I had terrible trouble getting here.
Started out, unhappy childhood.
LAUGHTER 16 years.
No lager.
I don't know how I did it.
At times during your childhood, you could do with a drink.
There are stressful moments - double maths or a badly rehearsed nativity play! A couple of whiskies, I'd have sailed through it.
I certainly wouldn't have wet myself or punched Mary.
It is lovely to be here.
I mean it.
It doesn't sound like it.
I've got one of those voices.
It doesn't matter how positive I try to be, it sounds like I'm taking the piss.
A friend said he was going on holiday in Wales.
I said, "That'll be nice.
" He said, "Yes, it bloody will.
" I don't get birthday presents.
I can't do a convincing thank you.
I stopped saying it altogether.
I thought it better if I went, "Wow.
" In my mouth, the words "I love you" sound like, "Happy now?" LAUGHTER "Can I go? Will that do?" I don't do any adverts, voiceovers, anything like that.
Not out of any high-minded principle.
If you do an advert, you've got to sound like you mean it.
If I was to do the Morrisons ad DEADPAN: "Get yourself down to Morrisons.
" Sounds like I'm being held hostage, doesn't it? "Get yourself down to Morrisons or they'll cut my ears off.
" I have done one advert.
It was for Longleat Safari Park.
Less an advert, more an information film.
At Longleat, they've got a problem with people speeding.
People drive through the safari park, they see a lion and they shit themselves.
LAUGHTER There are floral tributes along the trees.
"Simba.
" So they got me to do an advert to educate people.
I kept my dignity.
I'm in a monkey costume, looking straight at the camera.
It goes, "Oo-oo-oo! Aa-aa-aa! "If you hit me at 40 Oo-oo-oo aa-aa-aa.
"There's an 80% chance I'll die.
"Oo-oo-oo-oo.
"But if you hit me at 30 Oo-oo-oo aa-aa-aa.
"There's an 80% chance I'll live but they'll probably put me down anyway so you may as well drive at 50.
" APPLAUSE I've been banned from my local pub.
I went in the wrong toilets.
Not my fault.
In a lot of pubs these days, they try to be light-hearted with the toilets.
Have a laugh.
The pub's called The Stag so it's got two pictures of a deer.
Underneath, it says "hinds" and "bucks".
The first time, I wasn't sure.
I thought, "Am I a hind or a buck?" You don't need that when you're busting for a piss, do you? A quiz.
I just want to go to the toilet.
LAUGHTER I notice they don't do it in the disabled toilets.
They get off scot-free.
They haven't got a picture of a deer with an antler like that.
Straight in.
Straight out.
Nay bother.
LAUGHTER I used to set the questions for the pub quiz and they got pissed off.
One of them, it's a fair question, was "Which famous doctor discovered the mumps?" People thought a lot of doctors name diseases after themselves and put "Dr Mump".
It was actually discovered by Dr Gonorrhoea.
He was saving his name for something more serious.
"I can't waste my name on a little lump.
"Something that rots the cock.
" LAUGHTER I'm not bothered about being banned from the pub.
Pubs have lost their allure.
You can't smoke in them.
That was my main thing, having a pint and a cigarette.
Main thing? Another way of looking at it is "all I've got"! Now I don't go to the pub I haven't got any hobbies or interests.
My brother said, "Come fishing.
" I said, "I don't want to.
That's going dogging without sex.
" Hours out in the open.
You're bound to catch something.
Then there's the dilemma, kill 'em, or let 'em go? LAUGHTER The smoking thing does my head in.
You don't get sympathy either.
Nobody says, "That's a shame.
" People say, "Why don't you give up?" I say, "I don't want to.
" And that's the end of that chat.
Then they say, "Think of the money you're going to save.
" I'm not going to save any money.
Cos I'm going to live longer.
LAUGHTER It's going to cost me a fortune in jigsaws and conservatories.
My advice, if you haven't got a pension, keep smoking.
Or you'll end up working in B&Q when you're 70, bullied by a 21-year-old with complicated waxed hair.
"Go on, Granddad, you old bastard!" Lovely image.
We've got some special guests in tonight.
We've got Rav Wilding - hello - from Crimewatch.
I've done a bit of research! That's going to be on every day soon.
It will be.
Crimewatch every day.
If there's not enough crime, we know what to do.
But it's good for YOU.
And they say crime doesn't pay! There's a lot of stuff in the news about antisocial behaviour, hoodies.
I had a problem.
I looked out of my front window and I saw three teenagers sitting on my car.
To make matters worse, my neighbour came round to the back and told me.
Which was plan A out the window! Pretend I hadn't seen them.
Then I had plan B, which was to walk out there, get in the car, don't say anything and drive off! My favourite! Drive off and have teenagers bouncing off the bonnet into hedges.
But one of them would end up in hospital and the crazy way the law works, that would be MY fault! Plan C was to say, "What do you think you're bloody doing?" But, you know, they could rustle up 60 like that.
I'd be surrounded.
Like that scene in The Lion King with all the hyenas.
I thought I'd deal with it my way.
I went into the attic, found an old pair of trousers and an old coat, put them on, stains on the trousers.
And an old pair of glasses with thick lenses.
Put them on.
And went out for a chat.
Hello, kids.
Do you want to buy some puppies? LAUGHTER They were gone.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE A terrible indictment of modern Britain.
To get some kids off my car, I've got to dress as a paedophile.
What's happened to this great country? They call it "broken Britain".
I hate that phrase, broken Britain.
Loads of phrases.
"Broken Britain", "credit crunch", "subprime".
I hate all these new phrases.
I heard one which I quite liked.
"Retch limousine".
I like that.
You know stag and hen parties go round in those stretch limousines? A friend of mine drives one.
He said, "Sean, they'd be happier in a skip.
" They're just puking up in there the whole time.
They've taken the luxury status away from that vehicle, hen parties.
It used to be for statesmen, a stretch limousine.
They're everywhere.
Ten or 15 years ago, when I first saw one, I was confused.
I thought, "That's odd.
What's the ambassador doing at Cheeky's fun pub? "And why is he dressed as Batman?" I saw him later on, face down in some daffodils.
"That's no way for a diplomat to behave!" Another new word - meatnappy.
You know when you buy some mince at the supermarket? There's always that weird bit of cloth underneath it, isn't there? Like a nappy for the mince.
It's horrible.
You take the meat.
"Eugh.
It's got a nappy on it!" It's a recycling nightmare.
Rinsing out and I've got blood in the bin! I don't know what to do.
Wonderful news about Obama, not just because he's an African-American.
Did you know that his name is an anagram of "bomb America"? It's not! People don't really check anagrams, do they? They assume you've done the work.
Unless it's the Countdown Christmas party.
Then you're in trouble.
That's one major landmark.
The next landmark is the first Native American President.
That would be amazing! A Cherokee President.
On his first day, he'd turn round to the American people and go, "Right, you lot.
Out!" He was always going to win.
John McCain was too old.
You won't elect a President who buys calendars by the month.
"Just give me October and we'll see how we get on.
" And Sarah Palin, I don't think that was a great idea.
She was quite entertaining.
Nuts.
She said she was pro-life and pro-guns.
That's like being a butcher and a vet.
"We've lost him.
" "Get the other bag!" It seemed to me, her main selling point to the American people was she shoots bears.
"Vote for me.
I shoot bears.
" "Vote for me.
I'm cruel.
" "I threw a brick at a swan!" "Vote for me.
I put mustard on a cat's arse!" I'd be encouraged to vote for people who are kind.
"Vote for me.
I open windows for flies.
" Off you go, matey! Don't come back too soon, you're a bit annoying.
Barack Obama's got a hell of a job, particularly with the economy.
My first piece of advice for him is stop naming hurricanes! Think of the coverage they get worldwide.
Surely it'd be better to sponsor them.
The City of New Orleans is bracing itself for the arrival of hurricane # Mm, Danone.
# It's a money-spinner.
It's a money-spinner, isn't it? I quite envy the Americans.
As an alternative to George Bush, they get Barack Obama.
The alternative to Gordon Brown is David Cameron.
Not as thrilling! David Cameron, a man who put a wind turbine on his house, which provides enough energy to power his crazy ideas machine! "Hug a hoodie! I like that one.
" London, one of the most multi-cultural cities on Earth.
Who do we get? Boris Johnson, who's too blonde for the Third Reich! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm not saying he's a Nazi.
I'm not sure what he is.
I'm not sure there's anything inside there.
I reckon there's a zip and anyone can get in and go "I'm Boris! Ooh!" I get shocked about what I get annoyed by.
Pizza leaflets! Everyone in London gets pizza leaflets through the door.
Eight a day, sometimes more.
Every one that comes, I go, "Uh!" It's someone standing next to you all day going, "Do you want a pizza? Fancy a pizza?" No.
I don't want pizza.
I wouldn't mind if the photographs made them look tasty.
It looks like someone's cooked a kid's painting.
Another thing annoys me.
Teabags.
Oh, God! They're not bags, are they? You can't put anything in 'em.
You can't take anything out.
It's the minimum you expect from a bag.
If someone said, "Can you hold my bag?" You couldn't put anything in.
It hasn't got handles.
You'd go, "It's not a bag.
It's a cushion!" Should be called "tea sealed yet perforated paper cage".
They can't fit it on the box.
I'll meet them halfway.
"Herbal prism of permeable mesh.
" Another thing drives me mental.
Self checkouts at supermarkets.
God! I come away I don't not feel like a man.
I don't even feel like a mammal.
I feel like amoeba! Nothing swipes.
I'm swiping.
I'm swiping.
OK, I won't have carrots this week.
I can live without butter! The other day, I was begging it to let me have a chicken.
I just want a chicken! I was rubbing it, banging it.
Swiping it! I'll leave the money here and I'm going, OK? You do your worst.
I hate coming out of that place! Two bags of shopping and I come away with a can of Coke and an apple.
For some reason, the apple swipes.
It hasn't got a sticker on it.
It worries me what I get annoyed by.
What really annoys me? Wrong numbers.
I don't get angry.
You should do this.
It's great fun.
I don't let on it's a wrong number.
Someone rings up.
"Hello?" They say, "Is Mandy there?" "Mandy? Oh, yeah.
Just hold on a sec.
" MANDY! MANDY! GET YOUR ARSE UP HERE NOW! She's just coming.
OK? Won't be a sec.
I DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS.
SOME WANKER! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU? DON'T WEAR YOUR SHOES IN THE HOUSE.
Put the special slippers on.
She's just changing her shoes.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the main act of the evening.
Please put your hands together and welcome a fantastic young comedian, please welcome Jason Manford.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, London.
AUDIENCE: Hello! Thanks for having me.
I'm Jason.
On tour, driving all over the place.
Not very good at driving.
I've worked that out recently.
Just getting by on a wing and a prayer.
I stopped indicating four years ago.
Looking right at roundabouts.
I stopped that.
Just get into fourth gear and hope for the best.
Give us a cheer if you're a driver.
CHEER Any cyclists in? CHEER Cyclist on the front row.
Good work.
Proper cyclist? Helmet and everything? Yeah? When you get to a red light, what do you do? Keep going on? Yeah? You get a bit upset when we give you a little knock.
Wear a helmet! Rubbish, me.
I feel like I'm a nice driver, like I'm a knight of the road.
I let people out.
"Come on.
Join us.
You're all right.
" "Where's me thank-you wave?" That should be a criminal offence.
Not going like that when someone lets you out.
I want to ram them off the road.
If someone overtakes me when I'm walking, generally, not bothered.
But in the street, "Got your own speed limit, have you?" In the car, suddenly get this real pain inside.
People are funny on the road.
A few weeks back, I don't know if anyone's done this, but desperate I was for a wee.
I spotted an empty Coca-Cola bottle in the passenger foot well.
I've weed before.
I've driven before.
How hard can this be together? It's well hard! I started weeing in this bottle and it filled up pretty sharpish, quicker than I was expecting.
I'd never weed in something so small or had to focus on my weeing ability since I was a kid.
I shared a bedroom with my brothers.
We got up at the same time and weed at the same time.
I was nine.
My brothers were eight and seven.
That changed every year.
We had a wee, all around the toilet bowl.
"What did you dream about?" "Stickle Bricks.
" "Me as well.
" Have a wee, all around the toilet.
Sometimes, me dad would come in.
He'd move us with his knees! GUSHING Pissing like a police horse! If he was in a rush, he'd do it over our heads.
Very talented man.
I was driving, I was panicking, thinking I need to sort this out.
Luckily, the brain kicked in.
It stopped 550ml on the dot.
How good's that? Put the lid on.
Threw it out the window.
LAUGHTER I understand that's horrible.
The worst thing was that he sat there and failed me for it.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well out of order! I've been through the theory test.
That's not against the rules in your driving test.
I failed six times.
Can anyone beat six? One there.
Good work.
You didn't fail on reaction times.
Who passed first time? CHEERING Still a bit smug about it.
Good work.
I would be as well.
There's stuff in your driving test you don't need to do again.
Parallel parking.
That shouldn't be in your test.
"Jason, can you put your car between that red car and that blue car?" I said, "No.
I can't.
"I don't even live there, mate.
"When's that going to come in useful?" I said, "There's an NCP.
I'll park there all day for you.
" Multi-storey parking, I've a gift.
One thing that can ruin your day with multi-storey parking.
It's little cars hiding, right? .
.
hiding behind big cars that from a distance look like a space.
"I've got one here! Nice one! Bloody Cinquecento!" He failed me.
I got to a junction When DON'T you do this? I looked right.
I said, "All right your side?" Fail.
What's he sat there for if he's not going to help you out? Me wife, she passed first time.
I was very proud.
Well done.
I didn't shake her hand! It's a very formal relationship! "Good night, darling.
" She admitted to me she'd had a bit of a flirt - low-cut top, short skirt, midriff showing.
"Ooh, is that the gear stick?" Proper went for it.
When I did that, that was another fail.
I wanted to drive like me dad.
Dads have some sort of gift.
Dads do stuff that nobody teaches you.
Reversing.
Nobody's taught him how to do this.
He puts his arm around the passenger seat.
Nobody's taught him this.
The examiner's not gone, "We're going to reverse.
Kids? Two? I'll show you how to properly do it.
" My dad would use that.
Me and me brothers were in the back.
"Get your bloody heads down.
"Wear a seatbelt.
Have you not seen the advert? You'll kill me as well.
" Then he'd reverse like reverse had a second gear.
Out the cul-de-sac and up an A road without looking.
He shouldn't have been driving, my dad.
He's got narcolepsy.
Laugh about it cos I'm still alive, but as a kid it was terrifying.
In the middle lane on the motorway, he'd go, "If you hear this "Rrrrrrr.
Wake me up.
" You shouldn't be using the rumble strips as alarm clocks at any point.
Rrrrrr! "Dad!" "I'm only joking.
Just messing.
" In Blackpool, I'd be like, "I don't want to go on any rides.
" It was a great disease for your dad to have.
We'd get away with all sorts when he was telling us off.
"I've had enough.
You lot are grounded for" SNORES We'll do what we want, old man! He'd use it for his advantage if he was talking to someone and bored.
Me mum would be going, "Barbara's not getting back with Derek" Me dad would just go.
We'd be playing on the floor.
He'd go He'd wake up after dinner with a plate full of carrots.
"What's going on?" The worst trick we ever did, we only played it once, he fell asleep on a chair in the living room.
Me and me brothers went upstairs, changed our clothes, pretended he'd missed a day.
LAUGHTER On a Sunday in our school uniform.
"Will you be late for work, Dad?" "Oh, bloody hell! I've done it again!" Who's from London? Give us a cheer.
BIG CHEER Who's not from London? BIG CHEER Exactly 50-50.
I like that.
That second group sounded a lot happier to me.
I seem to get homesick when I come down to London.
I get on the Tube and sit on the Northern Line for a bit.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Fellow northerners with our flat caps, stroking our whippets, eating our pies.
"All right, John?" I love it! I've noticed with this country, I've been on tour, everybody hates everybody who's about 45 minutes away.
Everybody hates the next town along, the next city along.
Manchester and Liverpool.
Portsmouth and Southampton.
Glasgow and Edinburgh, always the same.
Apart from when there's someone a little bit further away.
Manchester and Liverpool don't get on till we see someone from Yorkshire.
"We're from the northwest.
" LIVERPOOL ACCENT: "Yes, we are!" LAUGHTER Then we meet someone from down south and all three of us, "We're northerners.
" We meet someone from Scotland, "We're English, yeah.
" Someone from France, "We're British, aren't we?" From America, "We're European!" The only time the world is going to be friends is when we get invaded by aliens.
We'll have to be mates.
"We're human, aren't we?" "Coming down here.
Shagging our women with your three knobs!" There's a message in there.
Is the credit crunch affecting people? Feeling a bit tight? Where there isn't a credit crunch, Manchester City Football Club.
They're now the richest club in the world.
Very exciting in Manchester.
But we know that we're going to let ourselves down and we let ourselves down on transfer deadline day.
On transfer deadline day, the bloke at Sky was trying to do this news.
"I'm outside Manchester City, the world's richest club.
"They're gonna change the face of the Premier League.
"These Arab billionaires are worth 500 million.
" In the background, two City fans with tea towels on their heads going like this "Wa-a-a-ay!" One of them was doing this.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE If you're going to be racist, mate, get it right.
I watched it all night, transfer deadline day.
My wife was upstairs going, "Come to bed now.
" I was like, "No.
"I'm watching transfer deadline day.
"You've got Coronation Street.
This is my excitement.
" Obviously, I was flicking backwards and forwards to Babestation.
Having a little look at some boobs.
Balls.
Boobs.
Balls.
It was brilliant, right? I nearly got caught.
My wife came downstairs in her slippers.
Snide.
I couldn't hear her.
Sneaky.
They say men can't multitask but watch us when we nearly get caught watching porn! Like a Ninja! Telly, over.
Trousers, up.
Tissue down the couch.
"All right, love?" Hot in here, isn't it? She went, "What are you doing?" "Watching the transfer deadline.
" "Oh, right.
Why have you got a hard-on?" "We just signed Robinho.
" I got away with it, to be fair.
My favourite channel, Babestation.
I well love it.
Who knows what I'm talking about? A FEW CHEERS There's a lot of liars in this room! "Don't know what he means, love.
I thought he said Dave station.
"Reruns of Mock The Week.
" Basically, for the people who don't know it's three women with their boobs out playing with their boobs.
LAUGHTER That's sort of it, really, for about six hours.
Brilliant.
Never gets boring.
There's loads of them.
There's one called Northern Birds.
Northern Birds.
Does it matter where they're from? If they've got their boobs out, I'm already at 100%.
Never once thinking, "This could be sexier if she likes pies.
" One of these stations got fined £150,000.
One of the women accidentally showed a little bit of peachy pocket.
LAUGHTER On the BBC! Thought we'd better come up with a decent word for it.
Is there a better word? Anybody want to suggest one? Sorry sir? Clam.
Clam? I wouldn't want to go to your restaurant.
Maybe I would.
Is there a better one than that? WOMAN SHOUTS What's that, my love? Bagingo? I think that sounds like # And Bagingo was his name, oh! # That's not going to turn you on.
"Lady garden" comes up sometimes.
Lady garden! Sounds like it needs a bit of work doing to me.
I'm too lazy.
Put a bit of decking on.
Can't be arsed.
Yeah, it was a complete accident, this woman, right.
She slipped on the bed and a bit of peach pocket, bagingo popped out.
My question is this, right.
They got fined £150,000, right? Who complained? LAUGHTER It's worth pondering.
Who sat at home going, "Phwar! Yeah! Play with your boobs! I love boobs!" Oh, G! Oh! Put it away! Pass the Yellow Pages, love.
That is horrible, that.
So I've been on tour for the last few months.
I do miss my wife.
We've only been married a year.
I do miss her, until I get home.
And then My wife's lovely, but she always wants to do stuff, to go out.
I get one day off every three weeks.
I just want to stay in bed.
My wife's, "Let's go shopping!" I have to fake enthusiasm.
"Yeah! Let's go shopping! "Can I follow you around the shops? You know I love that.
"Can I carry everything, so my hands go white? "I love that.
Yeah.
"Can you ring the shops and get them to put their heating up? "I love that as well.
"Just get it dead hot.
I love that.
" She's got a theory that the shops don't like her, they've got this thing.
They change the sizes of clothes to annoy HER.
"Why am I a size 10 in that shop but I'm a size 12 in that shop?" I say, "Because there's a McDonald's there, halfway.
" We popped in for something to eat.
You had two Happy Meals.
I know they're for kids but you can't have two.
Once, the shopping gods were on my side.
I was sat in the pen, the bit for blokes, and she went to try some dresses on she'd tried four hours previous but they might be different now.
Off she went in there.
I was sat there and, as luck would have it, I looked and one of the mirrors was at just the right angle.
Somebody had left a little gap in their curtain.
This is really bad.
But I got to see a bit of free arse, right? And free arse is like arse on top of your recommended daily allowance of arse.
Brilliant.
Free arse.
A bit of side boob, but mainly free arse.
Then a bloke sat down next to me and he spotted the free arse.
We had a little free arse smile! "Free arse!" After about 20 minutes, my wife came out of that cubicle.
Right? I was looking proper gutted cos my wife went, "What's wrong with you?" I said, "Nothing.
" I can't tell her.
"I thought I was looking at someone else's arse.
"Turned out it was yours.
" I had to walk away, looking at this bloke like he was a pervert.
"You're out of order, mate.
" My wife loves the cinema.
I don't like the cinema.
Often, there's a lot of other people there.
I don't really like sharing.
You're not allowed to punch anyone in the back of the head any more.
I got sacked from a cinema call centre when I was 19.
When you're on minimum wage you don't give a shit.
"If this goes, I'll get another job.
" I got sacked.
You find out that people have no sense of humour when they've been on hold for 40 minutes.
They've had to go through, "What cinema are you booking for?" Bradford.
"Did you say Milton Keynes?" No.
Bradford.
"Did you say, Baghdad?" LAUGHTER Yeah.
All right.
Yeah.
"What film would you like to see?" Atonement.
Atonement.
"Did you say Big Momma's House 2?" Yeah.
All right.
That's how people go to see crap films.
This woman came through once, years ago.
She went, "Hiya.
You know this new film Gladiator? "Has it got anything to do with TV series?" When are you going to get another opportunity like that? I said, "Yes.
It does, madam.
"It stars Russell Crowe, Oliver Reed and Wolf.
"There's a travelator in the middle of the Roman Colosseum.
"There's a lovely speech.
"'Husband of a murdered wife.
Father of a murdered child.
"'Awooga!' Yeah.
Enjoy it.
" My wife likes going to the cinema.
She spends loads of money on all the food.
That winds me up.
Crap food and it's all noisy food at cinemas.
Nachos and popcorn.
The drinks.
SLURPS They should sell marshmallows and that's it.
She always gets salted popcorn as well.
Eugh! Salted popcorn! I say, "How can you sit with a mouthful of salt?" "I like a mouthful of salt.
" "I'll remember that.
"That's gone in for future reference.
" After about 25 minutes, she starts asking me questions.
"Who's she, now? Who's she?" "What's she from? Is she friends with her?" "Is that a real moustache? "Is he a baddie? Have we seen him in something else?" WHISPERS: I don't know! I am watching the same film as you.
I arrived at the same time as you.
Remember? We were in the same car! The director hasn't sent me a synopsis of the film! Now we stay at home and watch DVDs.
She can pause it and Google anything.
She does, as well! Sometimes, she says stuff you think thank God nobody else was there.
We've watched loads of films, horror, sad films, exciting films.
We watched Schindler's List, the saddest film ever.
At the end, she had a tear, I had a tear.
She went, "I'm depressed now.
" I said, "That's the subject matter.
Quite dark, quite deep.
" She says, "See if there's any outtakes.
Cheer us up a bit.
" I'll have a look, love but I don't think Spielberg went, "It's a bit depressing.
"Whack the bits on where we were messing about.
"Can't get me walk right!" That's not going to be in there.
Does anybody still do the Lottery? A FEW PEOPLE: Yes.
12 people in a room of 4,000.
That is starting to worry me.
I still do the bloody thing and less people are doing it.
One day, I'll win me pound back.
I'll look a dick with that massive cheque! Get that cashed.
Five days? Are you joking? People do similar things when they win the Lottery - buy houses, cars, go on holiday.
What I'd do is go to my local box office, buy every tick for the next Mick Hucknall concert then not bother going, that's what I'd do.
APPLAUSE That's money well spent, isn't it? I hate that ginger git, I really do.
I don't like him at all.
How good would that be? Nobody there at his gig.
Or I turn up, like a weird stalker.
I love you, Mick! Do If You Don't Know Me By Now.
It's me favourite.
WRONG TUNE: # If you don't know me by now # Oh, we're going to know each other, Mick! It was a rollover.
I booked your next three concerts.
I'm glad you went with that.
I did it a while ago.
A woman shouted out, "I find that offensive!" I don't like being offensive.
I said, "Why?" She says it's racist.
I said, "It's not racist.
" She said, "It is.
It's gingerist.
"You wouldn't say it about black people.
" I said, "No.
That would be racist.
"In a story about a ginger white man, slipping in something about black people would then be racist.
"That's why I didn't do that.
" She says, "It is racist.
" I said, "It's not, for two reasons.
" First, ginger people are not a race, are they? You can't count Scotland.
LAUGHTER Secondly, and more importantly, there was NEVER 200 years of ginger slavery, was there? The last person you would send into a hot field to do a bit of work LAUGHTER .
.
is a ginger man! He ain't coming back.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'll see you again.
Good night.
God bless.
CHEERS AND WHISTLES Jason Manford! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Fantastic.
Lovely.
Lovely.
They say, "A woman's work is never done!" Maybe that's why they get paid less.
LAUGHTER, GROANS AND BOOS APPLAUSE AND CHEERS I like the claps.
Very beefy.
"Yeah! Bloody right, mate!" "Hit the nail on the head there, son!" It balances out.
You get more vouchers in your magazines.
We don't get vouchers.
So if you cash all those in Equality, obviously, is very important.
In some cases, it's gone too far the other way.
I come home, sometimes my wife is wearing my clothes, my shirt or my boxer shorts.
You don't say a thing.
Don't even mention it.
The other way round, right.
She comes home.
I've slipped something on.
Oh, we have to have a "chat".
I'm supposed to be "ashamed".
I might need to see someone.
I'm joking.
That's never happened.
Never been caught.
I put boxes on the stairs.
Makes a racket when she comes home.
Gives me loads of warning.
I don't look like it, but I am one of the straightest men in Britain.
Last Christmas, I bought all my presents on Christmas Eve from a petrol station.
I'll never forget the looks of everyone's face as they opened their barbecue fuel.
"Did you keep the receipt?" "No.
" I don't understand campness.
I don't see how sexuality can affect your voice.
I like bondage.
I don't mumble all the time.
MUMBLES: All right? Had a bloody good time last night.
Bloody marvellous it was.
I was propositioned once by a man.
He said, "Surely, Sean, we should try all the fruits in the garden.
" I thought, "It's not the fruit I'm worried about.
It's the gardener.
" Looking up, he's got a beard and a pipe going, "Go on, son! "Come by.
Come by.
" Someone said to me, "What about those fragrant beautiful lady boys? "They've got wonderful breasts, lingerie, long hair.
" It doesn't matter how beautiful or fragrant they are.
When they come, they still go U-ugh! GRUFF: Oh! Good lad! Oh! You hit the spot there, son.
Ugghhh! You have been a fantastic crowd, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Put your hands together for the wonderful Jason Manford.
See you again another time.
Thank you and good night.
Thank you very much.
Do you like my music? I thought I'd get in the mood.
I'm hoping to reclaim it.
Thanks for that lovely welcome.
Lovely to be here at the Apollo.
I had terrible trouble getting here.
Started out, unhappy childhood.
LAUGHTER 16 years.
No lager.
I don't know how I did it.
At times during your childhood, you could do with a drink.
There are stressful moments - double maths or a badly rehearsed nativity play! A couple of whiskies, I'd have sailed through it.
I certainly wouldn't have wet myself or punched Mary.
It is lovely to be here.
I mean it.
It doesn't sound like it.
I've got one of those voices.
It doesn't matter how positive I try to be, it sounds like I'm taking the piss.
A friend said he was going on holiday in Wales.
I said, "That'll be nice.
" He said, "Yes, it bloody will.
" I don't get birthday presents.
I can't do a convincing thank you.
I stopped saying it altogether.
I thought it better if I went, "Wow.
" In my mouth, the words "I love you" sound like, "Happy now?" LAUGHTER "Can I go? Will that do?" I don't do any adverts, voiceovers, anything like that.
Not out of any high-minded principle.
If you do an advert, you've got to sound like you mean it.
If I was to do the Morrisons ad DEADPAN: "Get yourself down to Morrisons.
" Sounds like I'm being held hostage, doesn't it? "Get yourself down to Morrisons or they'll cut my ears off.
" I have done one advert.
It was for Longleat Safari Park.
Less an advert, more an information film.
At Longleat, they've got a problem with people speeding.
People drive through the safari park, they see a lion and they shit themselves.
LAUGHTER There are floral tributes along the trees.
"Simba.
" So they got me to do an advert to educate people.
I kept my dignity.
I'm in a monkey costume, looking straight at the camera.
It goes, "Oo-oo-oo! Aa-aa-aa! "If you hit me at 40 Oo-oo-oo aa-aa-aa.
"There's an 80% chance I'll die.
"Oo-oo-oo-oo.
"But if you hit me at 30 Oo-oo-oo aa-aa-aa.
"There's an 80% chance I'll live but they'll probably put me down anyway so you may as well drive at 50.
" APPLAUSE I've been banned from my local pub.
I went in the wrong toilets.
Not my fault.
In a lot of pubs these days, they try to be light-hearted with the toilets.
Have a laugh.
The pub's called The Stag so it's got two pictures of a deer.
Underneath, it says "hinds" and "bucks".
The first time, I wasn't sure.
I thought, "Am I a hind or a buck?" You don't need that when you're busting for a piss, do you? A quiz.
I just want to go to the toilet.
LAUGHTER I notice they don't do it in the disabled toilets.
They get off scot-free.
They haven't got a picture of a deer with an antler like that.
Straight in.
Straight out.
Nay bother.
LAUGHTER I used to set the questions for the pub quiz and they got pissed off.
One of them, it's a fair question, was "Which famous doctor discovered the mumps?" People thought a lot of doctors name diseases after themselves and put "Dr Mump".
It was actually discovered by Dr Gonorrhoea.
He was saving his name for something more serious.
"I can't waste my name on a little lump.
"Something that rots the cock.
" LAUGHTER I'm not bothered about being banned from the pub.
Pubs have lost their allure.
You can't smoke in them.
That was my main thing, having a pint and a cigarette.
Main thing? Another way of looking at it is "all I've got"! Now I don't go to the pub I haven't got any hobbies or interests.
My brother said, "Come fishing.
" I said, "I don't want to.
That's going dogging without sex.
" Hours out in the open.
You're bound to catch something.
Then there's the dilemma, kill 'em, or let 'em go? LAUGHTER The smoking thing does my head in.
You don't get sympathy either.
Nobody says, "That's a shame.
" People say, "Why don't you give up?" I say, "I don't want to.
" And that's the end of that chat.
Then they say, "Think of the money you're going to save.
" I'm not going to save any money.
Cos I'm going to live longer.
LAUGHTER It's going to cost me a fortune in jigsaws and conservatories.
My advice, if you haven't got a pension, keep smoking.
Or you'll end up working in B&Q when you're 70, bullied by a 21-year-old with complicated waxed hair.
"Go on, Granddad, you old bastard!" Lovely image.
We've got some special guests in tonight.
We've got Rav Wilding - hello - from Crimewatch.
I've done a bit of research! That's going to be on every day soon.
It will be.
Crimewatch every day.
If there's not enough crime, we know what to do.
But it's good for YOU.
And they say crime doesn't pay! There's a lot of stuff in the news about antisocial behaviour, hoodies.
I had a problem.
I looked out of my front window and I saw three teenagers sitting on my car.
To make matters worse, my neighbour came round to the back and told me.
Which was plan A out the window! Pretend I hadn't seen them.
Then I had plan B, which was to walk out there, get in the car, don't say anything and drive off! My favourite! Drive off and have teenagers bouncing off the bonnet into hedges.
But one of them would end up in hospital and the crazy way the law works, that would be MY fault! Plan C was to say, "What do you think you're bloody doing?" But, you know, they could rustle up 60 like that.
I'd be surrounded.
Like that scene in The Lion King with all the hyenas.
I thought I'd deal with it my way.
I went into the attic, found an old pair of trousers and an old coat, put them on, stains on the trousers.
And an old pair of glasses with thick lenses.
Put them on.
And went out for a chat.
Hello, kids.
Do you want to buy some puppies? LAUGHTER They were gone.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE A terrible indictment of modern Britain.
To get some kids off my car, I've got to dress as a paedophile.
What's happened to this great country? They call it "broken Britain".
I hate that phrase, broken Britain.
Loads of phrases.
"Broken Britain", "credit crunch", "subprime".
I hate all these new phrases.
I heard one which I quite liked.
"Retch limousine".
I like that.
You know stag and hen parties go round in those stretch limousines? A friend of mine drives one.
He said, "Sean, they'd be happier in a skip.
" They're just puking up in there the whole time.
They've taken the luxury status away from that vehicle, hen parties.
It used to be for statesmen, a stretch limousine.
They're everywhere.
Ten or 15 years ago, when I first saw one, I was confused.
I thought, "That's odd.
What's the ambassador doing at Cheeky's fun pub? "And why is he dressed as Batman?" I saw him later on, face down in some daffodils.
"That's no way for a diplomat to behave!" Another new word - meatnappy.
You know when you buy some mince at the supermarket? There's always that weird bit of cloth underneath it, isn't there? Like a nappy for the mince.
It's horrible.
You take the meat.
"Eugh.
It's got a nappy on it!" It's a recycling nightmare.
Rinsing out and I've got blood in the bin! I don't know what to do.
Wonderful news about Obama, not just because he's an African-American.
Did you know that his name is an anagram of "bomb America"? It's not! People don't really check anagrams, do they? They assume you've done the work.
Unless it's the Countdown Christmas party.
Then you're in trouble.
That's one major landmark.
The next landmark is the first Native American President.
That would be amazing! A Cherokee President.
On his first day, he'd turn round to the American people and go, "Right, you lot.
Out!" He was always going to win.
John McCain was too old.
You won't elect a President who buys calendars by the month.
"Just give me October and we'll see how we get on.
" And Sarah Palin, I don't think that was a great idea.
She was quite entertaining.
Nuts.
She said she was pro-life and pro-guns.
That's like being a butcher and a vet.
"We've lost him.
" "Get the other bag!" It seemed to me, her main selling point to the American people was she shoots bears.
"Vote for me.
I shoot bears.
" "Vote for me.
I'm cruel.
" "I threw a brick at a swan!" "Vote for me.
I put mustard on a cat's arse!" I'd be encouraged to vote for people who are kind.
"Vote for me.
I open windows for flies.
" Off you go, matey! Don't come back too soon, you're a bit annoying.
Barack Obama's got a hell of a job, particularly with the economy.
My first piece of advice for him is stop naming hurricanes! Think of the coverage they get worldwide.
Surely it'd be better to sponsor them.
The City of New Orleans is bracing itself for the arrival of hurricane # Mm, Danone.
# It's a money-spinner.
It's a money-spinner, isn't it? I quite envy the Americans.
As an alternative to George Bush, they get Barack Obama.
The alternative to Gordon Brown is David Cameron.
Not as thrilling! David Cameron, a man who put a wind turbine on his house, which provides enough energy to power his crazy ideas machine! "Hug a hoodie! I like that one.
" London, one of the most multi-cultural cities on Earth.
Who do we get? Boris Johnson, who's too blonde for the Third Reich! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm not saying he's a Nazi.
I'm not sure what he is.
I'm not sure there's anything inside there.
I reckon there's a zip and anyone can get in and go "I'm Boris! Ooh!" I get shocked about what I get annoyed by.
Pizza leaflets! Everyone in London gets pizza leaflets through the door.
Eight a day, sometimes more.
Every one that comes, I go, "Uh!" It's someone standing next to you all day going, "Do you want a pizza? Fancy a pizza?" No.
I don't want pizza.
I wouldn't mind if the photographs made them look tasty.
It looks like someone's cooked a kid's painting.
Another thing annoys me.
Teabags.
Oh, God! They're not bags, are they? You can't put anything in 'em.
You can't take anything out.
It's the minimum you expect from a bag.
If someone said, "Can you hold my bag?" You couldn't put anything in.
It hasn't got handles.
You'd go, "It's not a bag.
It's a cushion!" Should be called "tea sealed yet perforated paper cage".
They can't fit it on the box.
I'll meet them halfway.
"Herbal prism of permeable mesh.
" Another thing drives me mental.
Self checkouts at supermarkets.
God! I come away I don't not feel like a man.
I don't even feel like a mammal.
I feel like amoeba! Nothing swipes.
I'm swiping.
I'm swiping.
OK, I won't have carrots this week.
I can live without butter! The other day, I was begging it to let me have a chicken.
I just want a chicken! I was rubbing it, banging it.
Swiping it! I'll leave the money here and I'm going, OK? You do your worst.
I hate coming out of that place! Two bags of shopping and I come away with a can of Coke and an apple.
For some reason, the apple swipes.
It hasn't got a sticker on it.
It worries me what I get annoyed by.
What really annoys me? Wrong numbers.
I don't get angry.
You should do this.
It's great fun.
I don't let on it's a wrong number.
Someone rings up.
"Hello?" They say, "Is Mandy there?" "Mandy? Oh, yeah.
Just hold on a sec.
" MANDY! MANDY! GET YOUR ARSE UP HERE NOW! She's just coming.
OK? Won't be a sec.
I DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS.
SOME WANKER! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU? DON'T WEAR YOUR SHOES IN THE HOUSE.
Put the special slippers on.
She's just changing her shoes.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the main act of the evening.
Please put your hands together and welcome a fantastic young comedian, please welcome Jason Manford.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, London.
AUDIENCE: Hello! Thanks for having me.
I'm Jason.
On tour, driving all over the place.
Not very good at driving.
I've worked that out recently.
Just getting by on a wing and a prayer.
I stopped indicating four years ago.
Looking right at roundabouts.
I stopped that.
Just get into fourth gear and hope for the best.
Give us a cheer if you're a driver.
CHEER Any cyclists in? CHEER Cyclist on the front row.
Good work.
Proper cyclist? Helmet and everything? Yeah? When you get to a red light, what do you do? Keep going on? Yeah? You get a bit upset when we give you a little knock.
Wear a helmet! Rubbish, me.
I feel like I'm a nice driver, like I'm a knight of the road.
I let people out.
"Come on.
Join us.
You're all right.
" "Where's me thank-you wave?" That should be a criminal offence.
Not going like that when someone lets you out.
I want to ram them off the road.
If someone overtakes me when I'm walking, generally, not bothered.
But in the street, "Got your own speed limit, have you?" In the car, suddenly get this real pain inside.
People are funny on the road.
A few weeks back, I don't know if anyone's done this, but desperate I was for a wee.
I spotted an empty Coca-Cola bottle in the passenger foot well.
I've weed before.
I've driven before.
How hard can this be together? It's well hard! I started weeing in this bottle and it filled up pretty sharpish, quicker than I was expecting.
I'd never weed in something so small or had to focus on my weeing ability since I was a kid.
I shared a bedroom with my brothers.
We got up at the same time and weed at the same time.
I was nine.
My brothers were eight and seven.
That changed every year.
We had a wee, all around the toilet bowl.
"What did you dream about?" "Stickle Bricks.
" "Me as well.
" Have a wee, all around the toilet.
Sometimes, me dad would come in.
He'd move us with his knees! GUSHING Pissing like a police horse! If he was in a rush, he'd do it over our heads.
Very talented man.
I was driving, I was panicking, thinking I need to sort this out.
Luckily, the brain kicked in.
It stopped 550ml on the dot.
How good's that? Put the lid on.
Threw it out the window.
LAUGHTER I understand that's horrible.
The worst thing was that he sat there and failed me for it.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well out of order! I've been through the theory test.
That's not against the rules in your driving test.
I failed six times.
Can anyone beat six? One there.
Good work.
You didn't fail on reaction times.
Who passed first time? CHEERING Still a bit smug about it.
Good work.
I would be as well.
There's stuff in your driving test you don't need to do again.
Parallel parking.
That shouldn't be in your test.
"Jason, can you put your car between that red car and that blue car?" I said, "No.
I can't.
"I don't even live there, mate.
"When's that going to come in useful?" I said, "There's an NCP.
I'll park there all day for you.
" Multi-storey parking, I've a gift.
One thing that can ruin your day with multi-storey parking.
It's little cars hiding, right? .
.
hiding behind big cars that from a distance look like a space.
"I've got one here! Nice one! Bloody Cinquecento!" He failed me.
I got to a junction When DON'T you do this? I looked right.
I said, "All right your side?" Fail.
What's he sat there for if he's not going to help you out? Me wife, she passed first time.
I was very proud.
Well done.
I didn't shake her hand! It's a very formal relationship! "Good night, darling.
" She admitted to me she'd had a bit of a flirt - low-cut top, short skirt, midriff showing.
"Ooh, is that the gear stick?" Proper went for it.
When I did that, that was another fail.
I wanted to drive like me dad.
Dads have some sort of gift.
Dads do stuff that nobody teaches you.
Reversing.
Nobody's taught him how to do this.
He puts his arm around the passenger seat.
Nobody's taught him this.
The examiner's not gone, "We're going to reverse.
Kids? Two? I'll show you how to properly do it.
" My dad would use that.
Me and me brothers were in the back.
"Get your bloody heads down.
"Wear a seatbelt.
Have you not seen the advert? You'll kill me as well.
" Then he'd reverse like reverse had a second gear.
Out the cul-de-sac and up an A road without looking.
He shouldn't have been driving, my dad.
He's got narcolepsy.
Laugh about it cos I'm still alive, but as a kid it was terrifying.
In the middle lane on the motorway, he'd go, "If you hear this "Rrrrrrr.
Wake me up.
" You shouldn't be using the rumble strips as alarm clocks at any point.
Rrrrrr! "Dad!" "I'm only joking.
Just messing.
" In Blackpool, I'd be like, "I don't want to go on any rides.
" It was a great disease for your dad to have.
We'd get away with all sorts when he was telling us off.
"I've had enough.
You lot are grounded for" SNORES We'll do what we want, old man! He'd use it for his advantage if he was talking to someone and bored.
Me mum would be going, "Barbara's not getting back with Derek" Me dad would just go.
We'd be playing on the floor.
He'd go He'd wake up after dinner with a plate full of carrots.
"What's going on?" The worst trick we ever did, we only played it once, he fell asleep on a chair in the living room.
Me and me brothers went upstairs, changed our clothes, pretended he'd missed a day.
LAUGHTER On a Sunday in our school uniform.
"Will you be late for work, Dad?" "Oh, bloody hell! I've done it again!" Who's from London? Give us a cheer.
BIG CHEER Who's not from London? BIG CHEER Exactly 50-50.
I like that.
That second group sounded a lot happier to me.
I seem to get homesick when I come down to London.
I get on the Tube and sit on the Northern Line for a bit.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Fellow northerners with our flat caps, stroking our whippets, eating our pies.
"All right, John?" I love it! I've noticed with this country, I've been on tour, everybody hates everybody who's about 45 minutes away.
Everybody hates the next town along, the next city along.
Manchester and Liverpool.
Portsmouth and Southampton.
Glasgow and Edinburgh, always the same.
Apart from when there's someone a little bit further away.
Manchester and Liverpool don't get on till we see someone from Yorkshire.
"We're from the northwest.
" LIVERPOOL ACCENT: "Yes, we are!" LAUGHTER Then we meet someone from down south and all three of us, "We're northerners.
" We meet someone from Scotland, "We're English, yeah.
" Someone from France, "We're British, aren't we?" From America, "We're European!" The only time the world is going to be friends is when we get invaded by aliens.
We'll have to be mates.
"We're human, aren't we?" "Coming down here.
Shagging our women with your three knobs!" There's a message in there.
Is the credit crunch affecting people? Feeling a bit tight? Where there isn't a credit crunch, Manchester City Football Club.
They're now the richest club in the world.
Very exciting in Manchester.
But we know that we're going to let ourselves down and we let ourselves down on transfer deadline day.
On transfer deadline day, the bloke at Sky was trying to do this news.
"I'm outside Manchester City, the world's richest club.
"They're gonna change the face of the Premier League.
"These Arab billionaires are worth 500 million.
" In the background, two City fans with tea towels on their heads going like this "Wa-a-a-ay!" One of them was doing this.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE If you're going to be racist, mate, get it right.
I watched it all night, transfer deadline day.
My wife was upstairs going, "Come to bed now.
" I was like, "No.
"I'm watching transfer deadline day.
"You've got Coronation Street.
This is my excitement.
" Obviously, I was flicking backwards and forwards to Babestation.
Having a little look at some boobs.
Balls.
Boobs.
Balls.
It was brilliant, right? I nearly got caught.
My wife came downstairs in her slippers.
Snide.
I couldn't hear her.
Sneaky.
They say men can't multitask but watch us when we nearly get caught watching porn! Like a Ninja! Telly, over.
Trousers, up.
Tissue down the couch.
"All right, love?" Hot in here, isn't it? She went, "What are you doing?" "Watching the transfer deadline.
" "Oh, right.
Why have you got a hard-on?" "We just signed Robinho.
" I got away with it, to be fair.
My favourite channel, Babestation.
I well love it.
Who knows what I'm talking about? A FEW CHEERS There's a lot of liars in this room! "Don't know what he means, love.
I thought he said Dave station.
"Reruns of Mock The Week.
" Basically, for the people who don't know it's three women with their boobs out playing with their boobs.
LAUGHTER That's sort of it, really, for about six hours.
Brilliant.
Never gets boring.
There's loads of them.
There's one called Northern Birds.
Northern Birds.
Does it matter where they're from? If they've got their boobs out, I'm already at 100%.
Never once thinking, "This could be sexier if she likes pies.
" One of these stations got fined £150,000.
One of the women accidentally showed a little bit of peachy pocket.
LAUGHTER On the BBC! Thought we'd better come up with a decent word for it.
Is there a better word? Anybody want to suggest one? Sorry sir? Clam.
Clam? I wouldn't want to go to your restaurant.
Maybe I would.
Is there a better one than that? WOMAN SHOUTS What's that, my love? Bagingo? I think that sounds like # And Bagingo was his name, oh! # That's not going to turn you on.
"Lady garden" comes up sometimes.
Lady garden! Sounds like it needs a bit of work doing to me.
I'm too lazy.
Put a bit of decking on.
Can't be arsed.
Yeah, it was a complete accident, this woman, right.
She slipped on the bed and a bit of peach pocket, bagingo popped out.
My question is this, right.
They got fined £150,000, right? Who complained? LAUGHTER It's worth pondering.
Who sat at home going, "Phwar! Yeah! Play with your boobs! I love boobs!" Oh, G! Oh! Put it away! Pass the Yellow Pages, love.
That is horrible, that.
So I've been on tour for the last few months.
I do miss my wife.
We've only been married a year.
I do miss her, until I get home.
And then My wife's lovely, but she always wants to do stuff, to go out.
I get one day off every three weeks.
I just want to stay in bed.
My wife's, "Let's go shopping!" I have to fake enthusiasm.
"Yeah! Let's go shopping! "Can I follow you around the shops? You know I love that.
"Can I carry everything, so my hands go white? "I love that.
Yeah.
"Can you ring the shops and get them to put their heating up? "I love that as well.
"Just get it dead hot.
I love that.
" She's got a theory that the shops don't like her, they've got this thing.
They change the sizes of clothes to annoy HER.
"Why am I a size 10 in that shop but I'm a size 12 in that shop?" I say, "Because there's a McDonald's there, halfway.
" We popped in for something to eat.
You had two Happy Meals.
I know they're for kids but you can't have two.
Once, the shopping gods were on my side.
I was sat in the pen, the bit for blokes, and she went to try some dresses on she'd tried four hours previous but they might be different now.
Off she went in there.
I was sat there and, as luck would have it, I looked and one of the mirrors was at just the right angle.
Somebody had left a little gap in their curtain.
This is really bad.
But I got to see a bit of free arse, right? And free arse is like arse on top of your recommended daily allowance of arse.
Brilliant.
Free arse.
A bit of side boob, but mainly free arse.
Then a bloke sat down next to me and he spotted the free arse.
We had a little free arse smile! "Free arse!" After about 20 minutes, my wife came out of that cubicle.
Right? I was looking proper gutted cos my wife went, "What's wrong with you?" I said, "Nothing.
" I can't tell her.
"I thought I was looking at someone else's arse.
"Turned out it was yours.
" I had to walk away, looking at this bloke like he was a pervert.
"You're out of order, mate.
" My wife loves the cinema.
I don't like the cinema.
Often, there's a lot of other people there.
I don't really like sharing.
You're not allowed to punch anyone in the back of the head any more.
I got sacked from a cinema call centre when I was 19.
When you're on minimum wage you don't give a shit.
"If this goes, I'll get another job.
" I got sacked.
You find out that people have no sense of humour when they've been on hold for 40 minutes.
They've had to go through, "What cinema are you booking for?" Bradford.
"Did you say Milton Keynes?" No.
Bradford.
"Did you say, Baghdad?" LAUGHTER Yeah.
All right.
Yeah.
"What film would you like to see?" Atonement.
Atonement.
"Did you say Big Momma's House 2?" Yeah.
All right.
That's how people go to see crap films.
This woman came through once, years ago.
She went, "Hiya.
You know this new film Gladiator? "Has it got anything to do with TV series?" When are you going to get another opportunity like that? I said, "Yes.
It does, madam.
"It stars Russell Crowe, Oliver Reed and Wolf.
"There's a travelator in the middle of the Roman Colosseum.
"There's a lovely speech.
"'Husband of a murdered wife.
Father of a murdered child.
"'Awooga!' Yeah.
Enjoy it.
" My wife likes going to the cinema.
She spends loads of money on all the food.
That winds me up.
Crap food and it's all noisy food at cinemas.
Nachos and popcorn.
The drinks.
SLURPS They should sell marshmallows and that's it.
She always gets salted popcorn as well.
Eugh! Salted popcorn! I say, "How can you sit with a mouthful of salt?" "I like a mouthful of salt.
" "I'll remember that.
"That's gone in for future reference.
" After about 25 minutes, she starts asking me questions.
"Who's she, now? Who's she?" "What's she from? Is she friends with her?" "Is that a real moustache? "Is he a baddie? Have we seen him in something else?" WHISPERS: I don't know! I am watching the same film as you.
I arrived at the same time as you.
Remember? We were in the same car! The director hasn't sent me a synopsis of the film! Now we stay at home and watch DVDs.
She can pause it and Google anything.
She does, as well! Sometimes, she says stuff you think thank God nobody else was there.
We've watched loads of films, horror, sad films, exciting films.
We watched Schindler's List, the saddest film ever.
At the end, she had a tear, I had a tear.
She went, "I'm depressed now.
" I said, "That's the subject matter.
Quite dark, quite deep.
" She says, "See if there's any outtakes.
Cheer us up a bit.
" I'll have a look, love but I don't think Spielberg went, "It's a bit depressing.
"Whack the bits on where we were messing about.
"Can't get me walk right!" That's not going to be in there.
Does anybody still do the Lottery? A FEW PEOPLE: Yes.
12 people in a room of 4,000.
That is starting to worry me.
I still do the bloody thing and less people are doing it.
One day, I'll win me pound back.
I'll look a dick with that massive cheque! Get that cashed.
Five days? Are you joking? People do similar things when they win the Lottery - buy houses, cars, go on holiday.
What I'd do is go to my local box office, buy every tick for the next Mick Hucknall concert then not bother going, that's what I'd do.
APPLAUSE That's money well spent, isn't it? I hate that ginger git, I really do.
I don't like him at all.
How good would that be? Nobody there at his gig.
Or I turn up, like a weird stalker.
I love you, Mick! Do If You Don't Know Me By Now.
It's me favourite.
WRONG TUNE: # If you don't know me by now # Oh, we're going to know each other, Mick! It was a rollover.
I booked your next three concerts.
I'm glad you went with that.
I did it a while ago.
A woman shouted out, "I find that offensive!" I don't like being offensive.
I said, "Why?" She says it's racist.
I said, "It's not racist.
" She said, "It is.
It's gingerist.
"You wouldn't say it about black people.
" I said, "No.
That would be racist.
"In a story about a ginger white man, slipping in something about black people would then be racist.
"That's why I didn't do that.
" She says, "It is racist.
" I said, "It's not, for two reasons.
" First, ginger people are not a race, are they? You can't count Scotland.
LAUGHTER Secondly, and more importantly, there was NEVER 200 years of ginger slavery, was there? The last person you would send into a hot field to do a bit of work LAUGHTER .
.
is a ginger man! He ain't coming back.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'll see you again.
Good night.
God bless.
CHEERS AND WHISTLES Jason Manford! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Fantastic.
Lovely.
Lovely.
They say, "A woman's work is never done!" Maybe that's why they get paid less.
LAUGHTER, GROANS AND BOOS APPLAUSE AND CHEERS I like the claps.
Very beefy.
"Yeah! Bloody right, mate!" "Hit the nail on the head there, son!" It balances out.
You get more vouchers in your magazines.
We don't get vouchers.
So if you cash all those in Equality, obviously, is very important.
In some cases, it's gone too far the other way.
I come home, sometimes my wife is wearing my clothes, my shirt or my boxer shorts.
You don't say a thing.
Don't even mention it.
The other way round, right.
She comes home.
I've slipped something on.
Oh, we have to have a "chat".
I'm supposed to be "ashamed".
I might need to see someone.
I'm joking.
That's never happened.
Never been caught.
I put boxes on the stairs.
Makes a racket when she comes home.
Gives me loads of warning.
I don't look like it, but I am one of the straightest men in Britain.
Last Christmas, I bought all my presents on Christmas Eve from a petrol station.
I'll never forget the looks of everyone's face as they opened their barbecue fuel.
"Did you keep the receipt?" "No.
" I don't understand campness.
I don't see how sexuality can affect your voice.
I like bondage.
I don't mumble all the time.
MUMBLES: All right? Had a bloody good time last night.
Bloody marvellous it was.
I was propositioned once by a man.
He said, "Surely, Sean, we should try all the fruits in the garden.
" I thought, "It's not the fruit I'm worried about.
It's the gardener.
" Looking up, he's got a beard and a pipe going, "Go on, son! "Come by.
Come by.
" Someone said to me, "What about those fragrant beautiful lady boys? "They've got wonderful breasts, lingerie, long hair.
" It doesn't matter how beautiful or fragrant they are.
When they come, they still go U-ugh! GRUFF: Oh! Good lad! Oh! You hit the spot there, son.
Ugghhh! You have been a fantastic crowd, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Put your hands together for the wonderful Jason Manford.
See you again another time.
Thank you and good night.