Live at The Apollo (2004) s08e06 Episode Script

Greg Davies, Hal Cruttenden, Simon Evans

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Greg Davies! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello! Hello! Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Live At The Apollo! CHEERING What a treat, what a treat to be here.
Let me, er, let me tell you where I'm at tonight, before we get going properly.
Er, about 20 minutes ago, the top elastic of my underpants totally snapped.
This is genuinely true.
I haven't bought replacements, so make-up have had to tuck them into my belt.
Realistically, I can already feel that they're working their way down.
So about halfway through tonight's show, I'm going to have some sort of horrific testicular cumberbund, I would imagine, just floating about.
You won't see that cos I'm wearing jeans but I'll keep you up-to-date with its progress.
Let me tell you the worst thing about being a fat, middle-aged comedian - cos I am, let's not, let's not mess around.
I'm Look at, look at what I've done to myself.
I mean, I look pregnant, it's ridiculous, and you know the worst thing about that? It's that comedy attracts young, beautiful people.
So you come out and you see really attractive, beautiful people, and you feel like a fraud when you look like this, which is why I was so relieved when I came out tonight, and saw such a sea of ruined, middle-aged losers.
Who's over 40 here? FEW AFFIRMATIVE SHOUTS Listen to the misery in those cheers.
Who's under 25? LOUD AFFIRMATIVE SHOUTS Yes! Yes, all right, well, shut up! There's not many of us, we'll take you down with sheer bitterness.
You don't know what's coming, you people.
You don't know what's You know what happened to me backstage? This isn't my original outfit.
I was wearing a tight black t-shirt and the producer asked me to change, because he said I looked like a bin bag full of coleslaw.
That's a quote.
It's true! My body is It's disgusting! I looked at myself naked in the mirror, about two hours ago, before I came here, I stood in front of the And don't 'woo' that for God's sake.
I looked at myself naked in a mirror and I thought, genuinely, I thought to myself, "You know what that looks like? My body looks like it's been carved "by a four-year-old child out of a budget block of ham.
" Just a rough approximation of a male, all pink and mottled.
It's disgusting.
It's so depressing and yet, I say all those things I'm an amazing lover.
I am! I don't mean Let me qualify that.
What I mean is I've been having sex a lot longer than most of you, and through all those sexual exploits of mine, I picked up the odd thing every now and again that actually worked, in all the masses of failures, and I've banked them up here, right? So, slowly, over a period of many years, I've compiled this sort of greatest hits of sexual moves.
I've got them all there and I could use them on any of you, and I'm sure you'd go crazy.
Here's the irony.
Ready? I'm 44 years of age now, and now I've got that list, I can't be bothered.
It's a crime! There's only one way all of this amazing sexual knowledge will ever be used, and that's if one of you young attractive couples I can see here, if you invite me round to your house, and I talk you both through it, like some awful, sexual puppeteer.
What I love about the male brain is hope springs eternal.
I thought this the other day.
I was walking down the street.
Even though I know my limitations, and I know what this looks like, I'll see a beautiful 20-something girl walk past me and there'll be part of my brain that goes, "Maybe she likes ham.
" And I saw the most amazing example of this.
I went to see my granddad, who's in a home, bless him.
He's in his 90s, he'd tell you himself - he's finished, he's knackered, right.
He's exhausted, he can't walk, he has a little blanket over his knees and I went to see him, he was sitting there, and I said, "Are you all right, Granddad?" He goes, "I'm finished.
I hate it, I'm so unhappy," and I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry.
" He goes, "Yeah, never mind, love.
" A nurse walked in, she must have been 25 years of age, right.
This is what he did.
I promise you he did this, "Well, hello there.
" As if there was any part of that girl's brain that was thinking, "Do you know what I fancy today? "I fancy banging a man who gets out of breath eating soup.
" It's awful.
It's awful, just being washed up, and there's Olympians in tonight, I know that.
There's proper Olympians.
Proper fit athletes.
WOLF WHISTLES AND CHEERS Two of my favourite Olympians in tonight - er, Harriet Mills, and Luke Patience, my favourite sailors.
Where are you, guys? Let's give them a round of applause, proper athletes.
And I loved the Olympics, I loved it because I've no interest in sport.
Really? Really, right.
But I loved it.
I thought it was such a positive and amazing thing, and I got hooked, I got hooked on sports that I didn't know existed.
I spent a whole afternoon watching synchronised diving, I didn't know that existed.
I spent a whole day watching dressage! Have you seen dressage? Guys, it's dancing horses! Who'd have thought?! They dance to music, they do this! I didn't even think that was allowed.
Someone told me you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink, yeah? Well, apparently, stick Sister Sledge on - they go mental.
What are we going to have in Rio in four years? I've been training my guinea pig, getting him to do the splits.
He hates it.
I said, "Come on, Pierre, no pain, no gain!" I met the most amazing man the other day.
He is a man that's confirmed to me that no matter how strange we all get in life, there's always someone a bit stranger.
He was a taxi driver, I flagged him down, I was in a perfectly good mood at the time and he turned out to be a proper "You what, you toilet? Yeah? You muppet! You love it, wallop!" Right? Proper cockney.
I was in a perfectly good mood.
I flagged him down, he wound his window down and he said something to me.
Now, you tell me if this would have annoyed you, cos I was perfectly happy.
He said, "All right, Big Bird, where to, Sesame Street?" I was furious! I sat in the back of his cab, seething, grinding my teeth, and he turned out to be the strangest man I'd ever met.
Who have you ever met that does this? He listed the contents of shops on our route that no longer existed, right.
He went, "Oh, that's a shame, that one used to be the old steak house.
"It was lovely.
You could get your fillets, your T-bones, "your burgers, perhaps a lovely beer.
" And I went, "Oh, that is a shame.
" He goes, "Yeah.
"There's old Terry's hardware shop there.
"Used to be able to get your nuts, your bolts, your hammers, your ladders, "your hi-vis jackets.
Now that's all gone, "There's the barbers.
" And I thought, "Well, insane.
This man's insane," and I was still fuming over the big bird comment, and I was waiting for a chance to get him back.
I got my chance when we went past a shop that still existed in the East End of London.
It was a pie and mash shop.
He went, "Oh, there's the old pie and mash shop there.
" And I went, "Right.
" He goes, "Yeah, I love it in there, delicious pies.
"I went in there the other day and I tried to get the recipe for their pies.
" I said, "Oh, really?" He said, "Yeah, because as well as being a taxi driver, "I'm also a successful restaurateur.
" Which, of course, ladies and gentlemen, was a lie.
And I went, "Did you get the recipe?" He goes, "Nah, didn't get it, no, they wouldn't give it to me.
"They said it was a family secret.
" I said, "That's a shame.
He goes, "It is a shame because they're delicious, their pies," and he said the strangest thing I've ever heard.
Try and get your heads round this.
He went, "Yeah, it is a pity because "it's not just pie they put in those, you know.
" I went, "I'm sorry, mate?" He goes, "It's not just pie they put in those.
" I went, "What, in pies?" He goes, "Yeah.
" I said, "Pie's not an ingredient, mate.
He went, "What?!" I said, "Pie's made up of constituent parts brought together.
"It's not an ingredient.
" He goes, "What are you talking about? A pie's a pie.
" I said, "Is it? Cos Jamie Oliver's shows are going to be a bit shit from now on, aren't they? He goes, "How do you mean?" I said, "I'll show you.
" "Hello, everyone, I'm Jamie Oliver.
Today, I'll be making a lasagne.
"I'll just get the ingredients "A lasagne!" He goes, "Oh, yeah.
Very clever, son, "but a lasagne is not a pie.
" I said, "It may as well be, using your system" "What are you going to do if you get a flat tyre on your taxi?" He goes, "I'll change the tyre.
" I said, "You can't, because tyre is part of taxi, "so you must throw taxi away.
" He goes, "I dunno what you're talking about" I said, "Do you honestly not?" All right, I'll help you.
" He goes, "Well, I'd like you to explain it to me.
" I said, "All right, we'll do a role play.
" He went, "OK, let's do a role play.
" This happened, right.
I went, "Right, I'm a cake shop owner.
" He goes, "OK.
" I went, "Right, you come in to buy a cake.
" He said, "I'll have a cake, please.
" I said, "Hang on a minute, you've got a fatal nut allergy.
" He went, "Fine.
" I went, "Right, let's go.
" This happened.
He was in the front of the cab, I went, "Good morning, sir.
" He went, "Good morning.
" I said, "Can I help you?" He goes, "I'd like a cake, please.
" I said, "Certainly, sir.
Which cake would you like?" Here, he went up a bit in my estimation a bit as he went, "I'll have that one there.
" Amazing, right? He did! And that's where I pulled out my ace card.
I went, "Ah, excellent choice! The nut surprise.
He went, "Hold up a minute, I'm not allowed to have nuts.
" I said, "Oh, dear, have you got an allergy? "I'd better check the ingredients for you, hadn't I? "No, you're absolutely fine, sir.
"The only thing in this cake IS CAKE!" He said, "I can see nuts on it there, right.
" I said, "No, I baked this and the only ingredient I used was cake, "so put it in your big fat face and swell up like a balloon and die.
" He went, "Oh, yeah, very good, but at the end of the day, "a lasagne is not a pie, a cake is not a pie, "a taxi is not a pie.
" I said, "There's no such thing as pie! "A pie is made up of meat, of gravy, of pastry and one other thing.
He said, "What's the other thing?" I said, "I'm not telling you, it's a family secret!" Don't mess with me, taxi drivers! Ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted and proud to be presenting this wonderful show tonight.
Two amazing comics I know you're going to absolutely love.
Here's the way I'll do it, someone starts the clapping politely, I'll turn up an invisible volume switch, you go crazy, I'll bring him on.
His name is Mr Hal Cruttenden, you'll have a brilliant time in his company.
Ladies and gentlemen, start the applause for me APPLAUSE .
turn the volume up.
Turn it up one more.
One more! Ladies and gentlemen, the superb Mr Hal Cruttenden! Thank you very much.
Can I say, I'm genuinely I'm really excited to just be out on the town.
I am.
No, I'm excited to be inside, obviously.
I find the streets quite, quite stressful.
Erm LAUGHTER Don't you find that people do that in London? People walk the street, they're very defensive.
Everyone's got that kind ofdon't mess with me look, you know? Even old people are like "I'm 83, but I'm a bloody ninja.
Just try it!" Sometimes, people are frightened of me.
This is absolutely true.
I've been walking home late at night, there's a woman, by herself in front of me, she does that little half-turn, and I can tell she thinks I'm following her.
I speed up to try and overtake.
She speeds up.
I can't slow down cos I'm a little bit worried about the guy 20 yards behind me.
There's probably ten of us in a line going, "Oh, bloody hell!" I got offered drugs on the street the other day.
I did.
I'm at an age now when I get offered drugs, I'm just really flattered.
I'm just walking down the street, a guy goes, "Do you want Charlie, sensi skunk?" I said, "No, I don't, but thank you VERY much for asking.
" I actually said to this guy, "I think I'm a bit old for that," and he said, "You're not too old, man.
" How lovely is that? People say drug dealers are scum, but some of them are bloody nice blokes actually.
I am, I'm feeling old, I had a horrible old man thought the other day.
I was talking to a girl in her early 20s, I wasn't going to do anything because I am married.
I'm married to a woman.
I know what you were thinking.
Shut up.
Honestly, it's just a stage persona.
You know, offstage, I'm sort of dark, dangerous, little bit sexy.
On stage Sorry, I was saying I was talking to this girl, I was talking to this girl in her early 20s, I had a horrible old man thought, really horrible.
I'm chatting away and it just popped in there.
I thought to myself, "If I was 20 years younger.
" I was thinking, "Who the hell am I kidding? "I was never good with women.
What am I talking about?!" That thought should be, "If I was 20 years younger, "I'd get really obsessed with you, I really would.
" "And do absolutely nothing about it.
" I was rubbish.
I looked great then as well, I looked great, I was young.
You young people just enjoy this time.
Who is young here? You two? There's a woman going, "I am here," next to Yeah, just enjoy this time, OK.
Do you think you look good for your age, you look good at the moment? You're really not sure? This is the best you're ever going to look, honestly.
Enjoy this time.
I remember at school, a PE teacher made a little speech to our class.
He said, "Do you know what, boys?" We were 17.
He said, "Do you know what, boys? Enjoy this time.
"This is the best your bodies are ever going to be.
"Get as fit as you can, "you can do stuff now you will never be able to do again.
" And I remember thinking at the time, "I don't think he should be in the shower with us," but it was a bloody good speech.
But I looked great then, and now I'm constantly trying to watch the weight.
I've been two stone heavier than this, been lighter than this, I've got a problem with eating.
I'm addicted to eating.
It's worse than being a heroin addict cos at least they look good in skinny jeans, but you know I-I-I'm possessed when I eat, honestly.
I eat very fast and I cannot be interrupted, and I love Nando's, it's the worst place to eat like that.
CHEERING But they always interrupt you, all through the meal, "Is everything OK with your meal?" HE MAKES SCOFFING NOISES Leave me alone! I consume food, I use food, I don't savour it or enjoy it, I'd be rubbish on MasterChef.
On MasterChef, you've always got someone going, "Mm, that's slightly overcooked but, mm, that's a beautiful fusion "of different flavours, yeah.
"I can really taste the coconut coming through now.
"Hal, what do you think?" SCOFFING NOISES I JUST FEEL HAPPIER! We are falling apart socially, aren't we? We have got riots, we've got strikes, we've got civil disobedience, we've got people protesting.
We're in terrible trouble, economically, Europe is screwed.
Only Germany's OK, aren't they? Everyone's looking to Germany to show strong leadership over the euro and Germany is a little bit like Dr David Banner from the Hulk TV series, saying, "Don't ask us to show strong leadership.
"You won't like us when we show strong leadership.
" Germany's at the top, of course.
Greece is at the bottom.
Greece is the worst.
Any Greeks here? FEW SHOUTS Yeah? Buy them a drink, people, cos they're quite short.
They never tell us on the news what we really want to know about Greece.
What we really want to know about Greece is, does this economic disaster mean it is more or less expensive to go on holiday to Greece? That's all we want to know, isn't it? That's all we want.
What is the cost of two weeks' half-board in Corfu? The British people deserve an answer! You've been a delight, enjoy the rest of the show.
Thank you very much.
I'm Hal Cruttenden.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Mr Hal Cruttenden! Funny man.
Believe me, you are going to continue to have a nice time when I bring the next act on.
He's one of my favourite acts.
We'll do the same thing - you clap, I'll turn the volume up.
His name's Simon Evans, he is awesome.
Are you ready for your final act of tonight's show? Yeah! Start the clapping.
Up in the balconies, let's turn the volume up.
Let's turn it up.
Turn it up again.
One more! Ladies and gentleman, Mr Simon Evans! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Well, that was all a bit unnecessary, wasn't it? Very nice to be back in London.
I lived in London for most of my adult life.
Moved down about four years ago, we moved out of London to Hove.
Brighton and Hove is two ends of the same place.
There is a rivalry.
Brighton regards Hove as being rather posh and middle-class, because in Hove women often pause to put their kebab down before squatting down to urinate in the gutter.
On a Friday night.
And that sort of behaviour is considered a bit lah-di-dah in Brighton.
"Stick it in your cleavage like the rest of us, darling.
" The women in Brighton, actually, to be fair, it is the hen parties who visit, recreational hen parties come down at the weekend.
I know I'm going to sound middle-aged and out of touch, I'm not saying they dress like prostitutes, but, seriously, I think if you were a prostitute, working in Brighton on a Saturday night, you probably need to wear a badge or something.
"Actual prostitute", something of that sort.
It would be very hard to distinguish yourself through dress alone, I would say that.
People are just going to take pot luck and probably save a few quid.
I have two children.
A boy and a girl, one of each.
That is, as I'm sure you're familiar with, the format.
And people think you're very lucky to have one of each, of course, and people have third, fourth, fifth abomina er, children, erm, attempting to complete the set.
Please don't get hung up on that.
My experience is it really doesn't matter what the sex of the child is.
Every child is a burden and a curse.
It really makes no difference.
Young Edward - he's just turned three.
By which I mean, he's reached the age of three, rather than converted his first lesbians.
And he is He'll do anything for a sticker, that boy, but that's beyond him for a while yet.
Looking forward, in fact, to his third Christmas now.
Technically his fourth, but the first one he was naughty, so that was that.
But, um LAUGHTER But he is a bit of a handful.
Small boys are.
There are times I wish he had been a handful about four years ago.
That would have saved me a few quid, but it's done now.
I'm kidding, of course, I love him dearly, he's like a dog to me, but you have to understand.
We go to such lengths to conceal reality for them and to make them live in this fluffy, pink cloud all the time.
We take them at the weekend now to farms, because we live in Hove and farms are available.
These aren't real farms.
They may have been farms once upon a time.
They're all called things like Sunnyside Farm, Blackberry farm.
They consist of two llamas, a lamb, a tractor ride at five quid a go, and some vast gift shop full of artisan marmalade and hand-wanked cider you're supposed to get excited about.
My kids must be utterly baffled as to how this kind of enterprise can supply the food demands of East Sussex.
I certainly am, and I would like to take them to an actual farm one day, something that supplies the stuff in their packed lunches on a regular basis.
Some vast, fluorescent-lit shed in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by barbed wire and Alsatians, and full of hobbling abominations of turkey flesh that are unable to support their hormone-inflated bodies on the hideous stumps of their legs, as they try desperately to get away from the stench of their own effluent and peck blindly at each other with their stumps of their beaks.
That would be an educational day out for the kids.
My God, it is hard work bringing up kids, and you have so many fears and anxieties.
My latest one is the considerable tide of opinion that seems to suggest all children here will be utterly morbidly obese in the next ten years.
The statistics on this are terrifying and I want to talk about it, but it is very difficult to approach through comedy as it's a sensitive subject.
Adult obesity, too.
I certainly won't address the women on this subject as I understand, for women, body shape and weight gain - it's a far more complex matter.
It's to do with slow metabolism and bones and so on.
I understand that.
But, gentlemen, I think we need to take responsibility.
We were all given a bit of a fillip and encouragement by the Olympics.
Let's try and keep this mentality going.
The government have made it terrifically complicated now.
They've come up with something called the Body Mass Index.
You need a calculator to work out if you're fat or not.
This is an old-fashioned British approach, which has stood me in good stead - five alarm bells.
The first one rings if you look down and realise you can no longer see your belt buckle.
If you take action at that point, you'll thank yourself later.
It's very easy to correct the fault.
Second alarm bell rings if you look down and realise you can no longer see what, for the purposes of this section, I shall refer to as yourcock.
That is a little more serious and if you can no longer see your feet, you're in real trouble.
And those of you thinking, "Well, if I can't see my cock, I won't be able to see my feet, "ha-ha-ha," you're exactly the sort of self-deluded fools who are most at risk.
The fourth alarm bell rings when you can no longer see your cock in a mirror.
Oh, yes, they're out there.
And the fifth and final bell rings when you can no longer see it with two mirrors and an erection.
Now, at that point, you're no doubt too busy pleasuring yourself with the folds of your own flesh to worry what the rest of us think, and it's none of my business.
Listen, I'm not the police, I don't care what you get up to.
Nature has its compensations.
All I am saying, is it wise as a society that we choose to reward this excessive level of corpulence with subsidised transport? And I'm not talking about the odd bus pass.
I'm talking about these three-wheeled electrical 'obesycles', I call them.
I don't know if that is the correct term.
You've seen them.
Mobility scooters - they were designed for the elderly and infirm but they have been hijacked recently.
Not literally, I hope.
My God, that would be a long-winded and tedious crime to watch unfold if it is going on.
Somehow, they've got hold of them.
They look ridiculous.
The first one I saw - he was so vast, he appeared to be hovering up the street.
He concealed the vehicle entirely.
He looked like Jabba the Hutt on a magic carpet.
I thought, "No wonder you've put on a few pounds.
"You've mastered the art of levitation - you won't burn off many calories that way.
" It's only when I saw a wire basket glinting between his thighs and his right trouser leg started flashing orange as he turned into Greggs, I realised what was going on.
Anyway, folks, it's been an absolute pleasure speaking to you this evening.
I do hope you've enjoyed the evening.
I've been Simon Evans.
Thank you very much, good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Simon Evans! Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming.
You've been a wonderful audience.
Have you had nice time? Yeah! It's been a real pleasure.
Do me a favour - thank the two wonderful acts who entertained you on tonight's brilliant show.
First, you saw Mr Hal Cruttenden.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Then you saw the lovely Mr Simon Evans! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE This has been Live At The Apollo, My name's Greg Davies.
I'll see you again, good night!
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