Live at The Apollo (2004) s14e02 Episode Script

Dara O Briain, Felicity Ward, Mo Gilligan

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Dara O Briain! Good evening! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Apollo here in Hammersmith for another showcase of the finest in stand-up talent.
We hope you're going to have a fantastic time.
My name is Dara O Briain! I'm obviously a touring comedian, and that has, because of shows like this, become a very international affair.
This show will be seen all over the world because we can often do our little jokes all over the world, like, whatever.
There was a lady appeared when I was doing a tour before the one I'm on at the moment where the gigs I had in order were Plymouth, Dubai, Oslo.
AUDIENCE LAUGH Other than what to pack, it's a kind of a head-wrecking week to have in your working life, right? It's not that the show ever changes because you don't, people are people, your show becomes quite universal.
What changes is the stuff around the show.
For example, Dubai, obviously culturally enormously different to this part of the world.
And Dubai is the only place where the producers of the show were contacted, they told me this, were contacted by the police by the state authority, by the licensing board, and, in their words, to find out if the show was suitable for public performance in that particular state.
Now, obviously, I got really, like, "How dare they? "How dare they impose on my truth? "How dare they censor me in any way, right?" And the guy's going, "Yeah, calm down.
" They asked one question, which was, "Does the show contain sexy movement?" Now AUDIENCE LAUGH The only question asked by the state of police of Dubai, right.
And, obviously, you've known my work for many years.
You'll know it's pretty much wall-to-wall sexy movements, which is ironic, really, because, when you have sex with me, I don't move at all.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's very much your time to shine.
But there is a joy, this specific joy then of coming back here, often specifically this room, but to come back here and do the show back in London.
I've been living in London for about 15 to 16 years, and I love this city.
And I love the city for many reasons, out of all the Londoners here, right, I love the city particularly because of how it reacts to adversity.
And this might sound serious for a couple minutes, but, every so often, London faces something very, very serious.
London has a reaction ready too, and I find it very, very noble and very inspiring, right.
For example, last summer, there were a series of terrorist attacks.
People driving cars into crowds, and people being killed.
It was an awful time.
It was a very tense time, I remember.
But London, as you will all know here right, has a response ready.
And we've heard that response many, many times, and it's an excellent response because somebody will come out and go, "London will not be cowed be at this.
" "London will not be driven down with this.
London will rise above this.
" "London will endure.
" Right? But the bit that made it weird, that made it not feel like London is because people ran when those attacks occurred to Fox News in America to tell them how terrible things were in London.
And this city got really insulted by that.
"What! What!" "Oh, London is reeling," they said.
"London is in a terrible situation.
It's awful.
" By the way, this is an interview you could do at any time in London.
"How are things in London today?" "People are tense, and people are angry! LAUGHTER "And the transport is in chaos!" "Is this because of the terror attack?" "There's been a terror attack? "I didn't even know there was a terror attack! "Jesus, it's a Tuesday! I want to get to work and you're in my way!" But they would go and say things like, "Oh, parts of London.
" I mean the worst of you, the kind of people who run to Fox News to capitalise on this kind of thing for their own political benefit.
They run and then go, "Oh, there are areas of London "under Sharia law.
" Do you remember? That's what we're hearing.
And we're all going, "What parts of London are under Sharia law? Show me on a map the bits of London, right? But, obviously, it doesn't matter how The lads on Fox News were delighted to hear this! They go, "Oh! Tell me about the Sharia law! "Tell me about the Sharia law! Tell me about the Sharia law!" I didn't do that bit in Dubai.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE But, anyway, the strands going through, as you can see from this, are touring gigs and all that and a general nerdiness about stuff, like, whatever, and that is the thing I don't think I'm in any danger of shaking soon.
I get very excited about new technology, peering into people's lives and the options of what we can do about it.
For example, Alexa or these kind of "always on" speakers, I find it very exciting.
Now I know that people have issues with them in terms of privacy and in terms of having this thing on your house.
I get very excited about Alexa and these kinds of things because I have these weird kind of male fantasy that it will make romance in a very smooth way, that you would walk in with a lady on your arm and you go, "Alexa, play some Prince.
" And then the music would just start, and the mood would be set in a really smooth way.
Now, obviously, the reality of voice recognition software and AI is you are far more likely to go, "Alexa, play some Prince.
" And Alexa will go, "Printing documents now.
" And then you have to fuck to the rhythm of the printer.
and that is .
.
incredibly difficult to maintain.
I'm not a young man any more, lads.
I can do four or five minutes tops at that before I'm praying for a paper jam or any kind of error pop-up.
I love the idea of these things that you have in your phone that you can have, you can control all the things in your house.
I had this weird little idea that over the courses of the tour I would be doing that I would take out the phone, I would show audiences as a demonstration of the technology.
I would go, "Look! "You can turn lights on and off in your house just by doing this.
" Not that it'd be of any entertainment value to any audience in the world, but just for me over the course of like a two-year tour when I'm away from home a lot, just to know that there is a point every evening where my wife is minding her own business, sitting in the house, when all of the lights go on and off all over the house.
Obviously, two can play at this game.
The same app, you can put anything electric, anything motorised.
You can put the curtains in your bedroom onto the same app.
As I found out last summer when I was lying in bed, asleep, deep sleep, REM sleep, dream sleep, I was in a huge dream about I had to buy a unicorn because you know when you have to get a unicorn every so often, you've got to go to the unicorn shop to get a new unicorn because your old unicornuggh, anyway! So I went down to the local unicorn shop, which is run by my old English teacher from school.
I go, "What are you doing selling unicorns?" And it was, like, in Hammersmith, but like not Hammersmith and I'm there going for the unicorn, we're talking about the whole thing, and then it got it a bit bright at the unicorn shop.
"Jesus, the unicorns seem uncomfortable with how bright it is "and they're blinking a lot.
" Nothing's more horrible than seeing a unicorn blink, they're banging the horns off each other.
And generally seem uncomfortable.
I says to your man, "You keep this unicorn shop very bright.
" He looks at me and goes, "I don't, you big eejit, "this is happening outside of the dream, wake up! Wake up!" I woke up and the room was flooded with light because my wife on the train to work at 7:15am had taken out her phone and gone, "Time he got up.
" Bang! So This shit is escalating.
I have now put heating and air-conditioning onto the same app.
So I can randomly plunge individual rooms into cold and dark and then use Spotify to play children singing nursery rhymes from the basement.
I did this once, and I came off stage and I had a phone call from my wife going, "You seemed to have forgotten "that I was actually on call tonight" So she'd been called into work.
".
.
but I just had a text from the baby-sitter "and she's shitting herself.
" LAUGHTER I recently got one of those virtual reality sets into the house, you know, with the mask and the How many of you have done this yet? One, twoseven.
It's amazing.
It's genuinely stunning to me how few people have had a go on this thing.
It's genuinely stunning.
You put the mask on your head.
It's got two screens, independent screens, so everywhere you move, it's like perfectly realistic.
You put the headphones in.
It's like completely immersive.
You're in 360-degree, in all directions.
Totally artificial world, it's genuinely stunning.
I think it's going to change gaming.
I think it's going to change movies.
It is going to revolutionise burglary.
It's justyou break into a house and somebody has that on their face, Jesus, relax, chill out, you've got an hour.
They're not going to know you're there! There's no rush.
You can choose what you want.
I like that, but that would work well in the hall.
It's a different game, right.
And the weird thing is, as you saw there, not everyone is having a go at this.
This is a genuine transformative entertainment technology and not everyone is using VR.
And one of the quiet reasons that no-one is talking about it, the reason that people aren't using VR is because nobody is using it to watch porn.
It seems like a weird thing to do, but then the kind of history of nerdy kind of things, porn is surprisingly important for getting new technology accepted.
Porn is the reason why Blu-ray beat the other kind of special DVD in their race a few years ago.
Porn is the reason that some types video streaming software beat other kinds of video streaming software.
The stuff that gets used for porn has a place immediately in the market, right.
And nobody is using VR for porn.
And I'm not naive.
I know that men are visual creatures, but I can kind of see, you know, no man while actually making love has ever been there been going, "Oh, my God! This is incredible! "Oh, my God, honey, this is amazing.
Oh, I'm almost there.
Almost there.
"Let me just have a quick look around the flat, oh, that's fantastic! "Yes! Oh, that's amazing.
Jesus! Huge! "Is that cornicing original now or did you have it put in later?" But the main reason that people aren't using VR for porn is because you cannot be entirely sure .
.
that she's out for the afternoon.
And I mean 100% sure because the stakes are really high! You do not look good in this situation.
You do not need your loved one going, "I've left my credit card.
"I better go back in Agghhhh!" "What is this you're doing to yourself? "Yes, I was bringing the kids to my mother's house, "but the little one fell ill.
We've had to come home.
"But, Jesus! This is what greets us!" The nightmare! The nightmare as you finish the wank of the century.
You take off the mask, and there are three police officers just staring at you.
Going, "Do you have no idea what's been happening for the last while? "Somebody broke into your house.
"They were spotted.
We were called.
There's been a standoff.
"You've been a hostage for 45 minutes.
"We've had to close off your road.
"Sky News has a helicopter slowly circling overhead.
"Your wife is outside on a megaphone going, "'Stay strong, John! Stay strong!' "And all the time, we've been watching you on the thermal imaging, "just battering away at yourself!" Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to bring out our first act.
Are you excited to see our first act? Oh, she is superbly funny.
Please, give it up for Felicity Ward! APPLAUSE Hello! Hi, there! My name is Felicity Ward and, yes, this is an adventurous choice of trouser.
Guys, I've got to get off Instagram.
I'm spending too much time on there, but I can't get off because I love watching my friends post inspirational quotes that they definitely don't live by.
Oh, yummy in my tummy.
Oh, I love it.
There's one in particular.
You've definitely seen it.
It's a Marilyn Monroe quote.
It's very sassy, and the quote goes, "If you can't handle me at my worst, "then you don't deserve me at my best.
" So sassy it comes with its own set of shoulders.
If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best.
Now, I don't know about you, but my best and my worst are both pretty bad.
Like, there's not a lot in it.
A shower, maybe.
And what I do know, no-one at their best is posting that online.
No-one's out there just living their best life, free from the bondage of self, and they're like, "Ooooh, "better go and put my Maz inspo quote up.
" No, mate.
Happy people don't need inspiring.
They have evidence.
LAUGHTER They're happy.
They've already got it.
The people who are putting that online are the women in their late 30s, still sleeping with a soft toy, and they have a variety of pizza crumbs in their bed.
Me! That's who I'm talking about, me.
If you can't handle me at my What's that? Well, that's ham and pineapple, that's what that is.
And I don't like inspiring stories anyway.
Like, I take other people's success as a personal attack.
So what I've done is I've taken these inspirational quotes, I've given them a remix so they're not inspiring anymore, they're just within reach.
Yeah, so my version of the Marilyn Monroe quote is, "If you can't handle me at my worst, "then we have something in common.
" This one, the journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step, and then like a million more steps.
Why not get an Uber? I don't get it! I don't get inspiration culture.
People are obsessed with it.
I saw this guy the other day, he had a tattoo on his arm, and it said, "The pain I feel today is the strength I feel tomorrow.
" How about tone it the fuck down, mate! We're all just trying to get through the week here! Just a bit intense for a Wednesday! You know what I would like to see? A big muscular dude with a tattoo on his arm that just said, "Pretty scared, actually.
" Or just a woman with "Hungry" written on her neck.
Yes, I've been hungry.
I can relate to that.
Or just a 50-year-old dad who's let his body go, and on his chubby little tummy, he's got a tattoo that says, "This will have to do.
" Shout out to my fat dads.
I've been with my fella for five years.
I know his family very well, I love them.
We actually lived with them last year because we were trying to, you know, save money and ruin our relationship, and, er It was actually a very good reason that we moved out of our in-laws' house and that is because we got married, I got married.
And Yeah, sure! We got married, and, mate, they are not kidding.
It is the best day of your life.
If anyone is thinking about getting married, do it.
Even if you're not that into the person.
Honestly.
What a party! It is worth a lifetime of misery.
Get on it! And when you get married, everyone asks you the same question.
They're like, "Do you guys feel different now?" I'm like, "Yes, we feel very poor.
" Music's very important to my husband and I, and we were trying to figure out what song to play once the ceremony was over.
And originally, it's 100% true, we were going to go with the Jurassic Park theme song.
Great movie, great bit of music, right? And imagine just signing your wedding certificate at then just walking out to that.
Epic, right? So we're tossing up between that and Signed, Sealed, Delivered, by Stevie Wonder.
Cute.
And we're going back and forth, and back and forth.
We couldn't make up our mind, and then my husband offered up this suggestion.
He said, "Why don't you walk in to the Jurassic Park theme song?" And I said, "No!" And he said, "Why?" And I went, "Well, for a start, I'm six years older than you ".
.
and you've called me a dinosaur before, and I resent "the implication.
I certainly don't want my own fucking theme song.
" When we were on the honeymoon, I did something that I've never done before.
I tried hot yoga for the first time.
It's OK.
Only criticism, it's a bit hot.
If you haven't been, it's exactly what it sounds like.
It is stretching with a group of strangers in the flames of hell.
I say that I did hot yoga, I nearly did hot yoga because I walked in, and there was a man sitting there wearing just beige underpants and nothing else.
And I was like, "Oh, yeah, nah.
" Because man in underpants plus hot room equals 100% we will be smelling his nuts later.
And that's just maths.
I don't want to see a wet paper bag full of those.
I've actually got two beefs with yoga.
The first one is their most popular pose, the downward facing dog, or as I like to call it, the dog.
It's just the dog.
If you If you have an upward facing dog, you've got to call a vet, yeah? This is no time for yoga.
My second beef, yoga is a very bigoted practice against people with big noses.
This will happen in every class.
I'll be on my knees on the mat, and they'll be like a skinny little teacher up the front just like windchiming away through the class.
They've always renamed themselves too.
They're always called like Urban Outfitters or something.
Oh, what's your name? "It's Pret a Manger, it's French.
" Um, so I'll be on my knees, and the teacher will say something like, "All right, class, I want you all just lean forward "and just casually pop your foreheads on the mat.
" When you're born with a dorsal fin coming out of the side of your face, you can't pop your forehead on the mat because there's nowhere for this to go.
They need to make yoga mats with a little glory hole to accommodate us.
It's the same if anyone has a big nose, when you go to a wedding, and they just hand you a glass of Prosecco.
A champagne flute strikes fear into our hearts, because we can't drink it like the rest of you people, you small-nosed people.
We have one of two options.
We can either stuff it on the inside of the glass and then just take little sips like a maniac, just like we've never used a cup before, just like we're aliens going deep cover on the human experience.
Or alternatively, we can put it on the outside of the glass and throw our entire head back in one like a feedbag! LAUGHTER It's humiliating! Everyone, I've been Facility Ward.
You have been lovely! This has been a pleasure and a dream.
Thank you! Felicity Ward! We're going to go straight on, ladies and gentlemen, with our next act.
Give it up for the brilliant Mr Mo Gilligan! Hey! Hey! Nice to see you to see you! To see you, nice! AUDIENCE: Oi, oi, oi! Oggy! Oggy! Oggy! AUDIENCE: Oggy! Oggy! Oggy! Who let the dogs out? Look at the middle-class people in the room, don't know what's going on right now.
LAUGHTER It's lovely to be here though, man.
I told my mum, I said, "Mum, tonight I'm performing at Live at the Apollo.
" You know, my mum is all excited.
You know she's like, "Ahh, good luck, Son.
"Good luck at the Apollo Live.
" That's not what it's called, Mum.
It's not what it's called, Mum.
"It's called Live at the Apollo.
" "No, that's what I said.
" "The Apollo Live.
" I said, "Mum! "You're not even African, what are you speaking like this for? "What are you doing, man?" Proper dickhead stuff.
Do you know what I mean? Because some mums are dickheads, yeah? Sorry to be the messenger.
Some mums are dickheads.
Actually, are there any mums here tonight? AUDIENCE CHEERS You're a dickhead.
See, there you go.
Look at that one mum, "Oh, I'm a dickhead? "This will be on TripAdvisor right now.
How about that for dickhead?" Nah, because I always feel, right, that I get my comedy from my mum's side of my family.
My mum is a very bubbly, humorous woman, and the thing is, right, everyone's mum universally, internationally is the same.
Everybody's mum, family gatherings, birthdays, christenings, everybody's mum in this room dances like this MUSIC: Pass the Dutchie, by Musical Youth.
That's it.
Your mum will dance like this for four hours straight.
She'll point at you for no reason.
Then she will just insult you for no reason as well.
Can you kill that, please? Can you kill that? If you've got one of these cool mums and you're like, "No, my mum doesn't dance like that.
" Trying to be down with the kids and stuff, doing things like twerking and stuff like that, she's a crackhead.
That's what she is.
Yeah, man.
But the thing is, right, I love my mum because I've always felt like I've got my comedy from my mum's side of my family.
You know and the thing is you have to love your family.
You know, when you come into this Earth, all you have is your family, yeah? I know there's someone in the room right now, "Don't tell me about family.
I grew up in a foster home.
" Oh, shit, sorry.
Sorry, Tracy Beaker.
Sorry.
But you have to love your family, man.
And you know the thing about families, right? They always come alive at moments of celebration.
You know, things like weddings, birthdays, christenings, yeah? Let's say this is a wedding, this is the dance floor.
You've always got that one auntie in the family, she was always moody.
There was always real-life problems going on in her life.
Like, she's even moody due to something she wears.
She'll wear like a dress like purple, stupid colour, looking like a big Quality Street the whole night.
And you know when aunties are moody, they do that fake auntie smile, yeah? Now over here on the dance floor wedding, right, we've got kids at weddings.
Now, personally, fuck these kids, isn't it? Yeah? Nah, because there's always one kid running around, sliding, some mum can't enjoy herself.
She's always telling off this little kid.
Listen! Sit down! Where are you running to? Mum, I'm just saying, I'm trying to be a rocket.
You're not a rocket! You're 14 years old! Mum, I'm just playing with my new cousin.
You don't even know that kid! It could be a paedophile! And you know this kid, yeah, this kid continues running.
Have you ever seen when mums lose it so much that they talk to themselves? Have you seen it? He's running around.
He's still running.
What's he still running for? Stop running! Then over here in your family, right, over here in your family, you have your uncle.
But what it is, he's actually your cousin, but he's over like 50, so you've got to call him uncle.
You guys have that as well? Because the rest of your cousins, you can greet with that cool "Cuz".
What's up, Cuz! Hey, Cuz! Cuz! Hello, Uncle.
How's it going? Are you OK? How's your piles? Are they OK? Are they all right? And everybody, in their family, has a weird member of the family.
Yeah, there's always that weird member of the family.
If you're sitting here questioning that statement, what do you mean weird person? That is you right there with your weird self.
Do you know how I knew this theory was right, yeah? The thing is the weirdness can range from zero to 100.
There's always that kind of normal weird person, but there's always that pervy weird uncle.
We've seen the pervy uncle.
You've seen him on a night out.
You've seen pervy uncle, right? Let's imagine this is a club.
There is a lady here.
There is someone here.
Now, this guy is going to the bar over there.
Instead of him getting the drinks and going around, you've all seen this guy.
Sorry love, excuse me.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
He'll go back the other way as well, you know.
Sorry, coming through again.
Sorry.
Have a great night.
You've all seen that guy! Then over here, you've got one of my favourite members of the family, it's dads.
I love dads.
Do you know why? Cos dads do everything, yeah? Dads dance with the little kids, right, the little toddlers, little four-year-old Alice, yeah? But we all know dads drink way too much at weddings and you know when your dad drinks too much, you know the sign? It's when your dad wants to dance with you, yeah? But we always know that dads are always going to spoil the party and reveal a family secret, yeah, that nobody ever knew about.
This is everybody's family, right.
Got your auntie here, doing the same dance as your mum.
And she's got that fake auntie smile.
MUSIC: You To Me Are Everything, by The Real Thing.
Then, over here, you've got kids at weddings.
Now all kids, all kids dance the same, all kids at weddings do this weird dance, they always dance like this.
Then, over here, you've got your weird uncle cousin, now he's pervy, right? If you blink, you'll miss it, right? I'm just joking, I'm just joking.
No, I'm not Then over here you've got dads, dads, remember they dance with the little toddlers.
Fantastic, you're an amazing dancer, no, you're the best I've ever seen.
Fantastic, you what? OK, coming down OK, do you want to dance with your mum now? No? Oh, for fuck's sake.
What you doing over there? Come and have a dance.
Come and have a dance.
What do you mean you don't want to have a dance? I'm your bloody dad, come and have a dance.
I said, come and have a Tell you what, turn off this bloody music.
I said, come and have a bloody dance with your dad.
What do you mean What do you mean I'm spoiling the party, Sharon?! I paid for this party.
If I want to dance with my daughter, I'll dance with my daughter.
Oh, oh, you what? You giving it n'all, Debbie? Do you know what, Debbie? You can fuck off, do you know that, love? Every year, rubbish Christmas presents with your stupid haircut.
What do you mean I'm drunk? Don't you talk about drunk, Helen, because you've been an alcoholic for 14 years, telling me about a drunk.
I'm spoiling the party? I'm spoiling the party am I, Sharon? Your cousin's over their dancing with his knob out, but I'm spoiling the party? I'll tell you about spoiling the party, how about this for spoiling the party, yeah? She's not even my daughter anyway.
Fuck the lot of you.
EASTENDERS CLIFFHANGER THEME You know when you watch an episode of EastEnders and you're like, oh, my gosh, this is real, there is swearing and everything, Oh, my God.
But my name is Mo Gilligan, take care, thank you, awesome, thank you! APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Mo Gilligan! What a show we've had tonight, we hope you've enjoyed it at home.
We've certainly enjoyed it here in the Apollo.
Give it up one more time for Felicity Ward and Mo Gilligan.
I'm Dara O Briain, thank you very much, good night!