Live at The Apollo (2004) s14e04 Episode Script
Phil Wang, Brennan Reece, Rachel Parris
1 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Phil Wang! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: Take On Me by a-ha Wow! Nice! Hey, everybody, how's it going, Apollo? CHEERING Hot damn, that's good to hear.
It's me, Phil Wang! CHEERING Yeah, I'm excited too! Hot damn! Ol' Philly Philly Wang Wang in the house, yeah.
I'm really interested in, like, racial dynamics, you know? I really love thinking and looking at racial dynamics and stuff.
Cos I'm a mixed-race boy myself.
My races are the Phil race and the Wang race.
Mixed-race fellow.
My father is Chinese Malaysian, but my mother is normal.
So Chill out, I got a little sour cream with that chilli.
By the way, if you're offended by the implication of a normal race, it's only cos you know I meant white, so This is how my parents met.
My father was my mother's kung fu teacher.
I'm not fucking with you! I didn't make that shit up, that's honestly how my parents met.
My Chinese father was my normal mother's kung fu teacher! Cos I come from a long line of stereotypes.
It's true, my father's father was a dragon.
And his mother was a gong, just a gong.
Chinese gong.
Short but loud, you know the type.
Every family's got a gong, classic nan.
And the story of their courtship is just as weird.
Basically, my father fancied my mother straight away, the dirty old Wang.
And so, every time he had a new move to teach the class, he'd always choose my mother as his, like, ragdoll to demonstrate the punches and kicks and the twists and the throws on, so far from learning to defend herself, my mum just got the shit kicked out of her, every week in front of an audience, and then she had to pay HIM.
And every time my father did these moves on her, he'd always do them just a bit too hard, and hurt her - just a little bit - so that he'd then have an excuse to visit her on the weekend .
.
with Chinese medicines, or as he called them, "medicines".
And he'd use them to heal the injuries that HE'D inflicted.
Now, don't judge Papa Wang by today's standards, OK? Let's practise a little chronological relativism here.
It was a long time ago.
Sure, nowadays, his approach would be considered "premeditated assault" .
.
in this snowflake culture of ours, but that was the '80s.
Back then, a kick in the chest was just playing the game.
Papa Wang played the game hard! Kicking honeys all over town.
Got myself a girlfriend.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Thank you.
She's very cool, my girlfriend, very cool, a lot cooler than me.
She's got a tattoo, that's how cool she is.
She's got a tattoo.
I don't have any tattoos myself, but I love tattoos, I really like tattoos.
I always feel I've got a chance with a tattooed lady, you know, I always feel like I can probably hook up, can probably go home with a tattooed lady, cos a tattooed lady has a visible history of making bad decisions that she can't take back.
Sounds like my kind of gal.
My girlfriend's got her tattoo on her rib cage, right in the most painful place to have it, apparently.
She's got a tattoo of a queen's chess piece, the most powerful piece on the board, because my girlfriend is a fucking psychopath .
.
and I think she's going to kill me one of these days, either head on, or at a diagonal.
Been getting older.
I don't know about you guys, but I've been getting older recently.
28.
28 now, a Wang's dozen.
I'm 28.
All those quintessential trappings of age have started to get me, you know.
Like, I'm becoming more right-wing with age.
I was hoping that one wouldn't be true.
I know, it's a real shame, they say you become more right-wing with age, turns out that's true.
You know, my political leanings have really changed in the last couple of years.
Like, I used to think I was a socialist, but looking back now, I realise I just didn't have any money.
I got money now.
I ain't sharing that shit, that's mine! Back off, you Commies.
Turns out capitalism is OK when you got capital.
Getting older, you know, I'm going to more barbecues.
I went to so many barbecues this summer.
Some of them, I was invited to.
I went to my first vegan barbecue.
AUDIENCE MURMURS Yeah! I was surprised and delighted too.
I was really surprised.
I didn't know vegans had barbecues.
I didn't know vegans were allowed barbecues.
I don't know why.
I'd always assumed fire wasn't vegan.
I don't know, fire just seems too violent a force for vegans to allow themselves to use, but turns out they've got them.
I always presumed they just hugged their food warm.
But no, they got fire! They have fire now, they're building tools and shit, they're learning.
So I went to this vegan barbecue, you know, my friends, my vegan friends were hosting it.
The guests, we were not predominantly vegan ourselves, we were just polite.
But still, you know, we played along, we indulged in all the vegan treats, and all the various meat substitutes.
You know, had the bean burgers, and the chicken nuggets made out of seitan.
Which is named after the person who invented it.
And all was going swimmingly until someone rocked up with a pack of real pork sausages.
AUDIENCE MURMURS Mmm! Suddenly, things took a turn for the sketchy.
The atmosphere changed, man.
People could tell.
It was honestly like someone had rocked up to a house party with wrap of coke, like people were on edge, like, "Shit, someone's carrying".
The girl who brought them, she saw me, she caught my eye, she came over, she knew, she came over, she looked at me, she looked me straight in the eye, holding these sausages, and said to my face, "Are you in?" Are you in? Are you in? I was like MUTTERS: "Er, yeah, yeah.
" We had to get our own grill, hide in the toilet.
Came out afterwards stinking of pork.
Suddenly, hot girls are paying more attention to me than before.
"Can my friend have some?" All that bullshit.
Getting older, just getting older, man, getting closer to death, that death we all got coming.
Not looking forward to that.
Doesn't seem like my kind of thing, death.
Doesn't really seem on brand Wang to me.
But turns out it's coming.
I've been thinking about death a lot recently, and I've come to realise that dying is actually a lot like going camping.
I don't want to do it.
It looks horrible and boring, and surprisingly expensive.
For that reason, I've stopped smoking.
I finally stopped smoking.
SILENCE Thank you for your support.
I justI couldn't die by my own hand.
You know? I couldn't die of something I could just easily not have done.
I wasn't so much afraid of the lung cancer as I was afraid of at some point realising I had made the mistake of smoking, and was now paying for that mistake.
And so, when I started to comprehend the danger the smoking was putting me in, I had to start making big changes to my lifestyle to prepare for a life without cigarettes.
Similarly, I don't know if you know this, but it's possible to get mouth cancer from giving women oral sex.
Hey, I didn't want to hear it either, folks.
But it's true, apparently, if she has HPV, you can contract the virus in your mouth, can turn into cancer.
Now, again, when I found this out, I had to start making big changes .
.
to my lifestyle to prepare for the fact that I'm definitely going to die of mouth cancer.
Definitely happening.
Definitely how I'm going to go.
The rate I'm going, I'm surprised I'm not dead already, to be honest.
I'm a 20-a-day man.
I'm a medical marvel, at this point, to be walking around.
They should put me in a jar.
And I'm not going to stop, don't worry, ladies, I'm not going to stop, that news has changed nothing.
Nothing about my life at all.
That's not going to stop me doing what I DO.
I can't save my life by not going down on women.
My life IS going down on women.
They're the same.
They're one and the same, they're inseparable entities.
You kill one, you kill the other, you see.
Logically speaking, you can't scare me out of my own life, you know, you can't threaten, there are no stakes high enough.
Am I making myself clear? You'll never stop me.
You'll never stop me.
It's too important, it's too important.
It's too important.
I've found something bigger than myself, at last.
And it's the female orgasm.
The female orgasm is easily worth my stupid mouth.
I'll happily sacrifice my dumb mouth at the altar of the female That's a hero's death if ever there was one.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE Yep, that's how I want to die.
Chronic cunnilingus, that's how I want to go.
For that obituary, if nothing else.
Can you imagine? Now, I'm sensing a lot of fear from the brothers in the room.
But don't worry, you've got to do it, man, this is the only respectful way to go.
You know, we'll all be celebrated for the heroes that we are.
You know, we'll all be celebrated, we'll be revered as the champions of history.
We'll all get a state funeral, you know, next to each other.
With our tongues out.
All have our names added to the Cenotaph, an ironically phallic symbol for what we did.
We'll all get a posthumous purple medal from the Queen, you know, the Vulva Cross.
We'll all get slowly lowered into a vagina-shaped mass grave at Westminster Abbey, as a bagpipe band sadly plays Girls Just Want To Have Fun.
Hey, guys, you've got a great show ahead of you.
Are you ready for your first act of the evening? CHEERING That's so marvellous to hear.
This guy's a good friend of mine, he's absolutely brilliant.
Please give it up for Brennan Reece! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: When You Were Young by The Killers Yes! Bloody hell! I can't believe it! I'm on Live At The Apollo! Yes! CHEERING This is the best moment of me life! I even bought a new jacket for it.
Do you like it? MUTED CHEERING Some people like it.
It's lovely, but I realised, as I was walking on, the tag is still on it.
Congratulations! But I'm not bothered, because I'm literally having the best time of my life.
I get to do this, and this year, I met the love of my life, and we moved in together, and then literally about a month ago, I found out that I'm going to be a dad.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah! To a seven-year-old that's not fucking mine.
That was a shock.
Not the reason I swiped right, but here I am.
Cos this isn't the body of a dad, this is the body of an 11-year-old lesbian.
Like, I don't know what I'm meant to do.
You look like a dad.
Are you a dad? No? You sort of remind me of my dad.
Cos he's disappointed as well.
Because my dad's brilliant, right? He's my hero.
He's a big northern bugger of a dad.
He's one of those dads who wears everything he values on his belt.
That's how you know he's proper.
He's like, house keys, car keys, shed keys, Allen keys, Alicia Keys, loves her, big fan.
You know he's a proper dad because he's got a favourite tool.
He thinks I should get a favourite tool.
He thinks it'd make me less camp.
His favourite tool is a spirit level.
It's the campest one! What he'll do on his day off, he'll just walk around the house, just checking things are straight, and then doing running commentary on it.
He's like, "Oh, yeah, it's bloody straight, that, "Yeah, all right.
Ooh, straight".
And then occasionally for a laugh, he'll just walk over to me, and be like HE SIGHS "Not for me.
" There's one manly thing that I'm into, and that is football.
I bloody love it, mainly cos I grew up living in Manchester.
I grew up living near one of those kind of rough football firm pubs, do you know the ones where you're only allowed in if you've got, like, a bulldog, like, tattooed on your son? All the blokes outside well red.
Not educated, sunburned, "Ugh, so hard!" And I remember it very clearly, it was the last day of the Premier League, right? And I thought it was a good idea to take my dog for a walk.
There was a group of proper manly men, all sitting outside, all looking manly and that.
And if you haven't already guessed what sort of dog it is, it's a Chihuahua.
So as I was walking past - they called it mincing, if anything, it was a mild strut - one of the manliest men stepped forward, and he went, "Oi, mate, "did you know that walking a Chihuahua "is the gayest thing you can possibly do?" Now, alarm bells should have started ringing when I noticed he had a hook for a hand.
Instead, I just panicked, I was like, "Oh, God, just don't let him see you crying," and then another one joined in.
He called me a homeowner.
Which isn't true, I live with me mum.
I think that's what he said All his mates started to join in, going, "Stop it! "Stop doing that on men, it's disgusting.
" And it really got me down, because I don't think anyone in the world should ever be bullied based on what they want to do in life.
And as I'm walking off, I think, "I can't let this happen, "I'm being bullied as an actual grown man," I thought, "I'm going to get them, I'm going to tell them.
"This is a perfect opportunity to prove that I can be a man.
" So as I'm walking off, I just sort of turn to him, and I go, "Is it? "Is having a Chihuahua really the gayest thing you can possibly do? "Because surely, hanging around with 50,000 bald, middle-aged men "once a week without your wives, "all wearing matching outfits while staring at 22 young lads "exercising in little shorts for 90 minutes, hugging each other, "mounting each other, and sometimes even crying, "praising, adoring and treating the male sex as gods and idols, "shouting, 'Get in there!', 'Man on,' and, 'Come on, boys'" Come on boys? You do what, mate? "You sing arm in arm whilst doing this to other men and then asking, "no, demanding that young lads do what you want and then "finishing early and leaving a little bit disappointed "cos a group of men didn't perform the way you wanted them to, "is a little bit gayer than a Chihuahua.
" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I just did a dab on Live At The Apollo, what am I doing? It's just hard growing up, it is.
Like, I lost my virginity to an older woman.
Yeah, I was 22 and terrified, this woman was 42 and divorced, so she was hungry, for me.
It was one of my best friends' mums.
He doesn't know.
What happened, right, he was going away travelling, so she threw him a house party.
I'm stood in the kitchen, she's on the other side, and she's just staring at me, not blinking, she's very tanned, aggressively tanned, like fake tan, like, proper leathery skin.
I was basically being eyed up by a menopausal Chesterfield.
Like, she was really looking.
I thought she was annoyed because I was drinking a Malibu.
That wasn't the case, so I panicked.
I went upstairs to the toilet for a sit-down wee, she bursts in, she goes, "Get your pants off now".
You feel very self-conscious about your whole body when you're that age especially your widge.
You think, "Is it the right size, the right shape, the right shade?" The colour of my willy, it makes my legs look pale.
It's very much like an oak tree, just very dark.
So me and me mate's mum, we're in the bathroom, kissing.
It's like horses in battle.
And then she starts trying to be rude, I thought she'd be motherly, she wasn't, she was saying things like, "Call me a dirty bitch".
I'm like, "Why?" She's like, "Tell me what you want me to do to you".
I'm like, "Can I have a lift home?" Just being old frightens me.
Phil was talking about being old, I don't really fancy it, cos, like, what's it like? Because it's very easy to be smug and think, "Oh, my God, you're going to be done soon," which you are.
I read this thing online, so it must be true, where everyone who's under the age of 30 is going to live til 160.
Ugh! Like, you look tired now.
160! Eugh! I don't want to be sat in a flat leaking, liver-spotted.
Your ears and nose, they never stop growing! I'm going to be sat there looking like I work at bloody Gringotts bank.
Just like HE GRUNTS And I think if I get to 160, I'm ending it.
I don't know how you do it.
What are you going to do? Sort of suffocate yourself with a bag for life? I reckon the best way is maybe like a toaster in a bath situation.
But it'd be one of those sit-down baths with a chair and a door, and then you have to wait for it all to fill up, you put in a bit of Matey for a last bit of luxury, then you go, "Oh, shit, I forgot the toaster," and then you have to wait for it all to drain, you open the door, you go out onto the landing, down a Stannah stairlift, into the kitchen, you go, "What the bloody hell have I come in here for?" It's never going to happen! Honest to God, this has been, like, the best day of my life.
Thank you so much for having me, Apollo.
I've been Brennan Reece, cheers.
Brennan Reece, everybody! Oh, my God, how great was that? Well, are you guys ready for your second act of the evening? CHEERING Please give it up for Rachel Parris! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: These Days by Take That Hello, everyone, I am Rachel Parris, and yes, I am here to bring the noise.
Yes.
I am what you call in showbusiness a triple threat.
I do comedy, and I do music, and I will cut you.
Just joking, I probably won't.
So, it's so fantastic to be here today.
I will be doing a little bit of music, so if you're a fan of NWA or Snoop Doggy Dogg then I apologise, I'll be about three minutes.
So this first song, this is about travelling on a train, Could you give me a cheer, Apollo, if you've ever been on a train before? CHEERING About half.
OK, great.
Lovely, well, the half of you who cheered, that means you are my target demographic.
Congratulations.
So I'm going to sing this song.
This is about the worst thing any of us can ever encounter on a train journey.
Just before I sing it, I have had some problems at previous gigs, actually, so I just want to make something crystal clear.
If you listen carefully, I'm not even saying the word, "Hindu".
SHE STARTS TO PLAY Just listen harder.
# Hen do on a train # Hen do on a train # Cowboy hats and penis cakes, # Neck tattoos and big L-plates # And voices like a foghorn in a drain # Hen do on a train # Groping every passing male # I suspect you've been to jail # And God willing, you might all go again # And although I have so many things to say to you # I'm aware that there are six of you, # And all of you have had more fights than me # I've never glassed someone, but I do know how # Perhaps I'll glass you now # Hen do on a train # You brought your own speakers too, brilliant # To belt out Calvin Harris tunes # I mean, the maid of honour's clearly on cocaine # Hen do on a train # You see me staring, and you threaten me # Then drunkenly, you all set on me # And with a dick-shaped bottle, take your aim # If you only knew, we're not so different, me and you # Just three months ago, my friend's hen do, # We got drunk, and we pretty much hijacked a plane # We were worse than you # We went down on all the crew # Mostly reluctant gay men, some women, too # We got thrown out of Spain # You see, we're all the same, but you're not listening, # You're bashing out my brain Hen do on a train.
APPLAUSE Thank you.
We've all been there! We've all been there.
Oh, it's so exciting to be here with you.
It's so exciting and very intimidating as well.
I do have something called impostor syndrome.
Has anyone heard of impostor syndrome? SCATTERED APPLAUSE A few of you have heard of it, yeah, yeah.
Some of you clapping, which is not really what it's about.
Impostor syndrome is where you feel unqualified for most of the situations you find yourself in in life.
It's where you feel like you don't deserve to be where you are.
So it's rare that I feel like I deserve to be where I am.
I mean, sometimes, not always, sometimes you find yourself in a GUM clinic after a big weekend and you think, "Yeah, this seems fair".
But I do think the universe has a way of letting you know that you are exactly where you're meant to be, it gives you little reassurances.
And this happened to me a few months ago.
I was in London's glittering Soho, as I still call it.
And I was outside a nightclub.
What?! I didn't go in.
And a young girl came up to me right, a young girl came up to me, and she said, "Excuse me, are you Rachel Parris?" Now, what you have to realise is, that's my name.
For context, it's important.
So, she said, "Are you Rachel Parris?" and I said, "Oh, yes, yes, I am".
And she said, "This is amazing, "I literally just found your debit card on the pavement over there".
So that keeps you humble, you know, that's important as well.
A situation that really flared up the impostor syndrome last year was that I got invited, believe it or not, to go back to my old school in Loughborough to give an inspirational speech to the graduating class.
What were they thinking, asking me to go back to give an inspirational speech? I just, I got the e-mail, I just assumed it was the education system's biggest administrative error since Michael Gove was born.
But I said yes.
It's good to talk to young women.
It is young women at my old school.
I went to a girls' school, I don't know how surprising that is.
I'm very aware I come across as a massive virgin.
I do, I know I do, and I'm not even, actually.
Thank you.
Sorry, sorry, that was rather boastful.
But .
.
I did go back because they said The reasons they gave in that e-mail about why they would invite me to give a speech are twofold.
Number one, that I've had what they called, and I quote, "an interesting career," an interesting career, which I think we can all agree makes me sound quite a lot like a high-level prostitute.
But the other reason the school said they invited me was because I'm a feminist, you know, and I am a feminist, of course I'm a feminist.
Of course I am, I'm obviously a feminist, who isn't? Who isn't? Who isn't?! Not me! I'll talk to you afterwards.
OK.
No, but sometimes when we talk about feminism, we're talking about different things.
What I mean when I say feminism is this, number one, you believe men and women are equal.
Number two, you believe that equality hasn't yet been achieved.
Number three, you want to do something about that.
Number four, you want to be best friends with Tilda Swinton.
And number five, you despise all men.
Now That is a joke.
Obviously, that one is optional.
I'm going to do one more song, it's just a short one.
# Hindu on a train, # Cowboy hat and penis cake # Pink bindi and big L-plate, This Hindu's on that hen do on the train.
I've been Rachel Parris, thank you very much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rachel Parris! Oh, mate, that was great! Guys, did you enjoy the show tonight? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You've been an absolute delight.
Please give it up for the acts you saw tonight.
You saw Brennan Reece! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You saw Rachel Parris! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've been Phil Wang.
See you, guys.
Bye-bye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's me, Phil Wang! CHEERING Yeah, I'm excited too! Hot damn! Ol' Philly Philly Wang Wang in the house, yeah.
I'm really interested in, like, racial dynamics, you know? I really love thinking and looking at racial dynamics and stuff.
Cos I'm a mixed-race boy myself.
My races are the Phil race and the Wang race.
Mixed-race fellow.
My father is Chinese Malaysian, but my mother is normal.
So Chill out, I got a little sour cream with that chilli.
By the way, if you're offended by the implication of a normal race, it's only cos you know I meant white, so This is how my parents met.
My father was my mother's kung fu teacher.
I'm not fucking with you! I didn't make that shit up, that's honestly how my parents met.
My Chinese father was my normal mother's kung fu teacher! Cos I come from a long line of stereotypes.
It's true, my father's father was a dragon.
And his mother was a gong, just a gong.
Chinese gong.
Short but loud, you know the type.
Every family's got a gong, classic nan.
And the story of their courtship is just as weird.
Basically, my father fancied my mother straight away, the dirty old Wang.
And so, every time he had a new move to teach the class, he'd always choose my mother as his, like, ragdoll to demonstrate the punches and kicks and the twists and the throws on, so far from learning to defend herself, my mum just got the shit kicked out of her, every week in front of an audience, and then she had to pay HIM.
And every time my father did these moves on her, he'd always do them just a bit too hard, and hurt her - just a little bit - so that he'd then have an excuse to visit her on the weekend .
.
with Chinese medicines, or as he called them, "medicines".
And he'd use them to heal the injuries that HE'D inflicted.
Now, don't judge Papa Wang by today's standards, OK? Let's practise a little chronological relativism here.
It was a long time ago.
Sure, nowadays, his approach would be considered "premeditated assault" .
.
in this snowflake culture of ours, but that was the '80s.
Back then, a kick in the chest was just playing the game.
Papa Wang played the game hard! Kicking honeys all over town.
Got myself a girlfriend.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Thank you.
She's very cool, my girlfriend, very cool, a lot cooler than me.
She's got a tattoo, that's how cool she is.
She's got a tattoo.
I don't have any tattoos myself, but I love tattoos, I really like tattoos.
I always feel I've got a chance with a tattooed lady, you know, I always feel like I can probably hook up, can probably go home with a tattooed lady, cos a tattooed lady has a visible history of making bad decisions that she can't take back.
Sounds like my kind of gal.
My girlfriend's got her tattoo on her rib cage, right in the most painful place to have it, apparently.
She's got a tattoo of a queen's chess piece, the most powerful piece on the board, because my girlfriend is a fucking psychopath .
.
and I think she's going to kill me one of these days, either head on, or at a diagonal.
Been getting older.
I don't know about you guys, but I've been getting older recently.
28.
28 now, a Wang's dozen.
I'm 28.
All those quintessential trappings of age have started to get me, you know.
Like, I'm becoming more right-wing with age.
I was hoping that one wouldn't be true.
I know, it's a real shame, they say you become more right-wing with age, turns out that's true.
You know, my political leanings have really changed in the last couple of years.
Like, I used to think I was a socialist, but looking back now, I realise I just didn't have any money.
I got money now.
I ain't sharing that shit, that's mine! Back off, you Commies.
Turns out capitalism is OK when you got capital.
Getting older, you know, I'm going to more barbecues.
I went to so many barbecues this summer.
Some of them, I was invited to.
I went to my first vegan barbecue.
AUDIENCE MURMURS Yeah! I was surprised and delighted too.
I was really surprised.
I didn't know vegans had barbecues.
I didn't know vegans were allowed barbecues.
I don't know why.
I'd always assumed fire wasn't vegan.
I don't know, fire just seems too violent a force for vegans to allow themselves to use, but turns out they've got them.
I always presumed they just hugged their food warm.
But no, they got fire! They have fire now, they're building tools and shit, they're learning.
So I went to this vegan barbecue, you know, my friends, my vegan friends were hosting it.
The guests, we were not predominantly vegan ourselves, we were just polite.
But still, you know, we played along, we indulged in all the vegan treats, and all the various meat substitutes.
You know, had the bean burgers, and the chicken nuggets made out of seitan.
Which is named after the person who invented it.
And all was going swimmingly until someone rocked up with a pack of real pork sausages.
AUDIENCE MURMURS Mmm! Suddenly, things took a turn for the sketchy.
The atmosphere changed, man.
People could tell.
It was honestly like someone had rocked up to a house party with wrap of coke, like people were on edge, like, "Shit, someone's carrying".
The girl who brought them, she saw me, she caught my eye, she came over, she knew, she came over, she looked at me, she looked me straight in the eye, holding these sausages, and said to my face, "Are you in?" Are you in? Are you in? I was like MUTTERS: "Er, yeah, yeah.
" We had to get our own grill, hide in the toilet.
Came out afterwards stinking of pork.
Suddenly, hot girls are paying more attention to me than before.
"Can my friend have some?" All that bullshit.
Getting older, just getting older, man, getting closer to death, that death we all got coming.
Not looking forward to that.
Doesn't seem like my kind of thing, death.
Doesn't really seem on brand Wang to me.
But turns out it's coming.
I've been thinking about death a lot recently, and I've come to realise that dying is actually a lot like going camping.
I don't want to do it.
It looks horrible and boring, and surprisingly expensive.
For that reason, I've stopped smoking.
I finally stopped smoking.
SILENCE Thank you for your support.
I justI couldn't die by my own hand.
You know? I couldn't die of something I could just easily not have done.
I wasn't so much afraid of the lung cancer as I was afraid of at some point realising I had made the mistake of smoking, and was now paying for that mistake.
And so, when I started to comprehend the danger the smoking was putting me in, I had to start making big changes to my lifestyle to prepare for a life without cigarettes.
Similarly, I don't know if you know this, but it's possible to get mouth cancer from giving women oral sex.
Hey, I didn't want to hear it either, folks.
But it's true, apparently, if she has HPV, you can contract the virus in your mouth, can turn into cancer.
Now, again, when I found this out, I had to start making big changes .
.
to my lifestyle to prepare for the fact that I'm definitely going to die of mouth cancer.
Definitely happening.
Definitely how I'm going to go.
The rate I'm going, I'm surprised I'm not dead already, to be honest.
I'm a 20-a-day man.
I'm a medical marvel, at this point, to be walking around.
They should put me in a jar.
And I'm not going to stop, don't worry, ladies, I'm not going to stop, that news has changed nothing.
Nothing about my life at all.
That's not going to stop me doing what I DO.
I can't save my life by not going down on women.
My life IS going down on women.
They're the same.
They're one and the same, they're inseparable entities.
You kill one, you kill the other, you see.
Logically speaking, you can't scare me out of my own life, you know, you can't threaten, there are no stakes high enough.
Am I making myself clear? You'll never stop me.
You'll never stop me.
It's too important, it's too important.
It's too important.
I've found something bigger than myself, at last.
And it's the female orgasm.
The female orgasm is easily worth my stupid mouth.
I'll happily sacrifice my dumb mouth at the altar of the female That's a hero's death if ever there was one.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE Yep, that's how I want to die.
Chronic cunnilingus, that's how I want to go.
For that obituary, if nothing else.
Can you imagine? Now, I'm sensing a lot of fear from the brothers in the room.
But don't worry, you've got to do it, man, this is the only respectful way to go.
You know, we'll all be celebrated for the heroes that we are.
You know, we'll all be celebrated, we'll be revered as the champions of history.
We'll all get a state funeral, you know, next to each other.
With our tongues out.
All have our names added to the Cenotaph, an ironically phallic symbol for what we did.
We'll all get a posthumous purple medal from the Queen, you know, the Vulva Cross.
We'll all get slowly lowered into a vagina-shaped mass grave at Westminster Abbey, as a bagpipe band sadly plays Girls Just Want To Have Fun.
Hey, guys, you've got a great show ahead of you.
Are you ready for your first act of the evening? CHEERING That's so marvellous to hear.
This guy's a good friend of mine, he's absolutely brilliant.
Please give it up for Brennan Reece! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: When You Were Young by The Killers Yes! Bloody hell! I can't believe it! I'm on Live At The Apollo! Yes! CHEERING This is the best moment of me life! I even bought a new jacket for it.
Do you like it? MUTED CHEERING Some people like it.
It's lovely, but I realised, as I was walking on, the tag is still on it.
Congratulations! But I'm not bothered, because I'm literally having the best time of my life.
I get to do this, and this year, I met the love of my life, and we moved in together, and then literally about a month ago, I found out that I'm going to be a dad.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah! To a seven-year-old that's not fucking mine.
That was a shock.
Not the reason I swiped right, but here I am.
Cos this isn't the body of a dad, this is the body of an 11-year-old lesbian.
Like, I don't know what I'm meant to do.
You look like a dad.
Are you a dad? No? You sort of remind me of my dad.
Cos he's disappointed as well.
Because my dad's brilliant, right? He's my hero.
He's a big northern bugger of a dad.
He's one of those dads who wears everything he values on his belt.
That's how you know he's proper.
He's like, house keys, car keys, shed keys, Allen keys, Alicia Keys, loves her, big fan.
You know he's a proper dad because he's got a favourite tool.
He thinks I should get a favourite tool.
He thinks it'd make me less camp.
His favourite tool is a spirit level.
It's the campest one! What he'll do on his day off, he'll just walk around the house, just checking things are straight, and then doing running commentary on it.
He's like, "Oh, yeah, it's bloody straight, that, "Yeah, all right.
Ooh, straight".
And then occasionally for a laugh, he'll just walk over to me, and be like HE SIGHS "Not for me.
" There's one manly thing that I'm into, and that is football.
I bloody love it, mainly cos I grew up living in Manchester.
I grew up living near one of those kind of rough football firm pubs, do you know the ones where you're only allowed in if you've got, like, a bulldog, like, tattooed on your son? All the blokes outside well red.
Not educated, sunburned, "Ugh, so hard!" And I remember it very clearly, it was the last day of the Premier League, right? And I thought it was a good idea to take my dog for a walk.
There was a group of proper manly men, all sitting outside, all looking manly and that.
And if you haven't already guessed what sort of dog it is, it's a Chihuahua.
So as I was walking past - they called it mincing, if anything, it was a mild strut - one of the manliest men stepped forward, and he went, "Oi, mate, "did you know that walking a Chihuahua "is the gayest thing you can possibly do?" Now, alarm bells should have started ringing when I noticed he had a hook for a hand.
Instead, I just panicked, I was like, "Oh, God, just don't let him see you crying," and then another one joined in.
He called me a homeowner.
Which isn't true, I live with me mum.
I think that's what he said All his mates started to join in, going, "Stop it! "Stop doing that on men, it's disgusting.
" And it really got me down, because I don't think anyone in the world should ever be bullied based on what they want to do in life.
And as I'm walking off, I think, "I can't let this happen, "I'm being bullied as an actual grown man," I thought, "I'm going to get them, I'm going to tell them.
"This is a perfect opportunity to prove that I can be a man.
" So as I'm walking off, I just sort of turn to him, and I go, "Is it? "Is having a Chihuahua really the gayest thing you can possibly do? "Because surely, hanging around with 50,000 bald, middle-aged men "once a week without your wives, "all wearing matching outfits while staring at 22 young lads "exercising in little shorts for 90 minutes, hugging each other, "mounting each other, and sometimes even crying, "praising, adoring and treating the male sex as gods and idols, "shouting, 'Get in there!', 'Man on,' and, 'Come on, boys'" Come on boys? You do what, mate? "You sing arm in arm whilst doing this to other men and then asking, "no, demanding that young lads do what you want and then "finishing early and leaving a little bit disappointed "cos a group of men didn't perform the way you wanted them to, "is a little bit gayer than a Chihuahua.
" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I just did a dab on Live At The Apollo, what am I doing? It's just hard growing up, it is.
Like, I lost my virginity to an older woman.
Yeah, I was 22 and terrified, this woman was 42 and divorced, so she was hungry, for me.
It was one of my best friends' mums.
He doesn't know.
What happened, right, he was going away travelling, so she threw him a house party.
I'm stood in the kitchen, she's on the other side, and she's just staring at me, not blinking, she's very tanned, aggressively tanned, like fake tan, like, proper leathery skin.
I was basically being eyed up by a menopausal Chesterfield.
Like, she was really looking.
I thought she was annoyed because I was drinking a Malibu.
That wasn't the case, so I panicked.
I went upstairs to the toilet for a sit-down wee, she bursts in, she goes, "Get your pants off now".
You feel very self-conscious about your whole body when you're that age especially your widge.
You think, "Is it the right size, the right shape, the right shade?" The colour of my willy, it makes my legs look pale.
It's very much like an oak tree, just very dark.
So me and me mate's mum, we're in the bathroom, kissing.
It's like horses in battle.
And then she starts trying to be rude, I thought she'd be motherly, she wasn't, she was saying things like, "Call me a dirty bitch".
I'm like, "Why?" She's like, "Tell me what you want me to do to you".
I'm like, "Can I have a lift home?" Just being old frightens me.
Phil was talking about being old, I don't really fancy it, cos, like, what's it like? Because it's very easy to be smug and think, "Oh, my God, you're going to be done soon," which you are.
I read this thing online, so it must be true, where everyone who's under the age of 30 is going to live til 160.
Ugh! Like, you look tired now.
160! Eugh! I don't want to be sat in a flat leaking, liver-spotted.
Your ears and nose, they never stop growing! I'm going to be sat there looking like I work at bloody Gringotts bank.
Just like HE GRUNTS And I think if I get to 160, I'm ending it.
I don't know how you do it.
What are you going to do? Sort of suffocate yourself with a bag for life? I reckon the best way is maybe like a toaster in a bath situation.
But it'd be one of those sit-down baths with a chair and a door, and then you have to wait for it all to fill up, you put in a bit of Matey for a last bit of luxury, then you go, "Oh, shit, I forgot the toaster," and then you have to wait for it all to drain, you open the door, you go out onto the landing, down a Stannah stairlift, into the kitchen, you go, "What the bloody hell have I come in here for?" It's never going to happen! Honest to God, this has been, like, the best day of my life.
Thank you so much for having me, Apollo.
I've been Brennan Reece, cheers.
Brennan Reece, everybody! Oh, my God, how great was that? Well, are you guys ready for your second act of the evening? CHEERING Please give it up for Rachel Parris! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: These Days by Take That Hello, everyone, I am Rachel Parris, and yes, I am here to bring the noise.
Yes.
I am what you call in showbusiness a triple threat.
I do comedy, and I do music, and I will cut you.
Just joking, I probably won't.
So, it's so fantastic to be here today.
I will be doing a little bit of music, so if you're a fan of NWA or Snoop Doggy Dogg then I apologise, I'll be about three minutes.
So this first song, this is about travelling on a train, Could you give me a cheer, Apollo, if you've ever been on a train before? CHEERING About half.
OK, great.
Lovely, well, the half of you who cheered, that means you are my target demographic.
Congratulations.
So I'm going to sing this song.
This is about the worst thing any of us can ever encounter on a train journey.
Just before I sing it, I have had some problems at previous gigs, actually, so I just want to make something crystal clear.
If you listen carefully, I'm not even saying the word, "Hindu".
SHE STARTS TO PLAY Just listen harder.
# Hen do on a train # Hen do on a train # Cowboy hats and penis cakes, # Neck tattoos and big L-plates # And voices like a foghorn in a drain # Hen do on a train # Groping every passing male # I suspect you've been to jail # And God willing, you might all go again # And although I have so many things to say to you # I'm aware that there are six of you, # And all of you have had more fights than me # I've never glassed someone, but I do know how # Perhaps I'll glass you now # Hen do on a train # You brought your own speakers too, brilliant # To belt out Calvin Harris tunes # I mean, the maid of honour's clearly on cocaine # Hen do on a train # You see me staring, and you threaten me # Then drunkenly, you all set on me # And with a dick-shaped bottle, take your aim # If you only knew, we're not so different, me and you # Just three months ago, my friend's hen do, # We got drunk, and we pretty much hijacked a plane # We were worse than you # We went down on all the crew # Mostly reluctant gay men, some women, too # We got thrown out of Spain # You see, we're all the same, but you're not listening, # You're bashing out my brain Hen do on a train.
APPLAUSE Thank you.
We've all been there! We've all been there.
Oh, it's so exciting to be here with you.
It's so exciting and very intimidating as well.
I do have something called impostor syndrome.
Has anyone heard of impostor syndrome? SCATTERED APPLAUSE A few of you have heard of it, yeah, yeah.
Some of you clapping, which is not really what it's about.
Impostor syndrome is where you feel unqualified for most of the situations you find yourself in in life.
It's where you feel like you don't deserve to be where you are.
So it's rare that I feel like I deserve to be where I am.
I mean, sometimes, not always, sometimes you find yourself in a GUM clinic after a big weekend and you think, "Yeah, this seems fair".
But I do think the universe has a way of letting you know that you are exactly where you're meant to be, it gives you little reassurances.
And this happened to me a few months ago.
I was in London's glittering Soho, as I still call it.
And I was outside a nightclub.
What?! I didn't go in.
And a young girl came up to me right, a young girl came up to me, and she said, "Excuse me, are you Rachel Parris?" Now, what you have to realise is, that's my name.
For context, it's important.
So, she said, "Are you Rachel Parris?" and I said, "Oh, yes, yes, I am".
And she said, "This is amazing, "I literally just found your debit card on the pavement over there".
So that keeps you humble, you know, that's important as well.
A situation that really flared up the impostor syndrome last year was that I got invited, believe it or not, to go back to my old school in Loughborough to give an inspirational speech to the graduating class.
What were they thinking, asking me to go back to give an inspirational speech? I just, I got the e-mail, I just assumed it was the education system's biggest administrative error since Michael Gove was born.
But I said yes.
It's good to talk to young women.
It is young women at my old school.
I went to a girls' school, I don't know how surprising that is.
I'm very aware I come across as a massive virgin.
I do, I know I do, and I'm not even, actually.
Thank you.
Sorry, sorry, that was rather boastful.
But .
.
I did go back because they said The reasons they gave in that e-mail about why they would invite me to give a speech are twofold.
Number one, that I've had what they called, and I quote, "an interesting career," an interesting career, which I think we can all agree makes me sound quite a lot like a high-level prostitute.
But the other reason the school said they invited me was because I'm a feminist, you know, and I am a feminist, of course I'm a feminist.
Of course I am, I'm obviously a feminist, who isn't? Who isn't? Who isn't?! Not me! I'll talk to you afterwards.
OK.
No, but sometimes when we talk about feminism, we're talking about different things.
What I mean when I say feminism is this, number one, you believe men and women are equal.
Number two, you believe that equality hasn't yet been achieved.
Number three, you want to do something about that.
Number four, you want to be best friends with Tilda Swinton.
And number five, you despise all men.
Now That is a joke.
Obviously, that one is optional.
I'm going to do one more song, it's just a short one.
# Hindu on a train, # Cowboy hat and penis cake # Pink bindi and big L-plate, This Hindu's on that hen do on the train.
I've been Rachel Parris, thank you very much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rachel Parris! Oh, mate, that was great! Guys, did you enjoy the show tonight? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You've been an absolute delight.
Please give it up for the acts you saw tonight.
You saw Brennan Reece! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You saw Rachel Parris! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've been Phil Wang.
See you, guys.
Bye-bye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE