Live at The Apollo (2004) s15e04 Episode Script

Darren Harriott, Jessica Fostekew, Stephen Bailey

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Darren Harriott! Welcome to Live At The Apollo! It's nice to be here, man.
I live in London, I've been living in London now for, er, five years.
Yeah.
People always ask me where I'm from, and, er, I've got to be honest with you, guys, for the past few years, whenever someone says, asks me where I'm from, er, I always say that I'm from Birmingham.
Yeah, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I'm not from there.
I'm not, it's a lie.
I'm actually from a little place west of Birmingham, called the Black Country.
Yeah, a few people in from the Black Country.
Here's what I've learned, though, when I moved to London, not everyone's heard of the Black Country.
Yeah.
Things tend to get a little bit awkward for me.
People always say, "Oh, where are you from?" I'm like, "The Black Country.
" You can see a nervous, confused face.
I've literally had people go, "Oh, what part of Africa is that?" They never think it's a real place.
They always want me to prove it.
They're like, "Oh, yeah? Well, who else is from the Black Country?" And I don't make it any better when I reply with, "Lenny Henry.
" I'm just trying to be more woke, guys.
Are you guys all woke? That's a term I I hear that a lot, especially as a comedian who does TV.
In case you don't know what woke means, it sort of means you're up to date with, like, social injustices, or racial injustices.
Are you woke? I get tweets from people sometimes, man, saying things like, "Hey, Darren, "never forget the systematic oppression of the black man.
"Stay woke.
" I'm like, "All right, but did you enjoy me on Mock The Week?" That's a lot to take in, man.
The problem with the word "woke" now is it gets used so much, it's been completely diluted.
The other day, my friend said to me, "Hey, Darren, never buy a second-hand mattress.
Stay woke.
" What? OK, you're classed as "woke" if you know what cultural appropriation is.
If you know what that is, you're woke.
In case you don't know, cultural appropriation, it's when someone from the dominant culture takes elements from minority culture and people get really angry about it, right? It all kicked off not that long ago about Bruno Mars.
They said, "Bruno Mars is not black.
"He has no right playing black music.
"Bruno Mars should stick to playing the music of his own people.
" Now, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know how much you know about Bruno Mars, but he's part Filipino, part Puerto Rican, part Ashkenazi Jewish, and was raised in Hawaii.
I'm not too sure what kind of music Bruno Mars should be playing.
However, I do think there would be a flute.
Er And it caught steam online.
It caught so much steam that Stevie Wonder came to his defence.
Yeah, Stevie Wonder came out and gave Bruno Mars a thumbs up in the wrong direction, and .
.
that was when I realised things were getting out of hand.
You've got a blind black man, who's never seen the colour black, telling a non black man he's definitely black enough.
We, er, we had our own little cultural appropriation debate, didn't we? We had it.
You all know it.
Yeah? Yeah.
The, er .
.
Jamie Oliver situation.
The Jamie Oliver situation, yep, yeah? In case you don't know, Jamie Oliver is the chef, erm, whodoes not give a fuck.
Erm Jamie Oliver made his own Jamaican rice.
He called it "Punchy Jerk Rice", because even he didn't believe in it.
Seriously, he called it punchy.
Doesn't that normally mean you made a mistake? Like, if you made a meal for your partner and you go, "Hey, try this.
"It's a bit punchy.
" That's a warning! And people were like, "Can you believe it? "Can you believe Jamie Oliver "would culturally appropriate Jamaican culture?" I'm like, "Dude, I haven't forgiven him for trying to get rid "of fish fingers and Turkey Twizzlers!" You should have killed him, then! He had one guy online defending him and he put this tweet out that really made me laugh, he went, "Yeah, well, if jerk rice "doesn't exist, Jamie Oliver invented it.
"People thought Thomas Edison was crazy when he invented "the light bulb.
" I thought, "Yeah, but that was a good idea.
" That was such a good idea, the metaphor for a good idea is a light bulb! Jamie had one celebrity come out against him when it all kicked off.
I don't know if you know him.
His name's Levi Roots.
Yeah, you know Levi Roots made Reggae Reggae Sauce? Yeah, you know that sauce black people don't use? You know that shit? Yeah, we hate him.
You guys don't know this.
He is the enemy of the black state, seriously.
He's not allowed in Wakanda.
Like I'll tell you why we don't like him, because he called it Reggae Reggae Sauce! It's got nothing to do with reggae! You don't need to mix it in a steel drum! Reggae Reggae What a dumb title that is.
Reggae Reggae sauce.
That's like me having a meal "Oh, Darren, what's that?" "Oh, that's my Opera Opera Pate.
" We live in this, like, era now where we have to separate art from the artist because some of our, like, favourite musicians, actors, etc, it turns out they're scumbags.
And now we have to decide whether we can still enjoy their art or not, you know? And it's hard, man.
It's hard.
I was in a club the other day and the DJ started playing R Kelly.
Yeah, I know! But it was Ignition (Remix).
And you could just see everybody in the club look at each other like, "Wait, is it OK? "Can we do the "bounce, bounce" part? "What about the toot-toot? Can we do the toot-toot? "Can we do the beep-beep?! What about the beep-beep?!" Here's what I've learned about R Kelly as well.
He's 53, can't read or write.
He is completely illiterate! That's sad! He wrote I Believe I Can Fly! Can't even read his own passport.
We are trying to make things better.
We are trying to make things more PC, and it's even started like, early, like, really, really young.
We're trying to make things more PC with kids as well.
Like, when I was growing up, I used to read the Mr Men books.
That's what I read as a little kid.
Legendary books.
My favourite Mr Men character is a guy called Mr Tickle.
In case you don't know who Mr Tickle was, Mr Tickle was orange and he had really long arms and he would tickle you whether you wanted to or not.
Probably comes as no surprise that Mr Tickle has been phased out of the Mr Men books.
Mr Tickle met Mr Consent, and Right, I'll leave you with this.
You guys have been great, man.
In my former hometown of Birmingham .
.
there's been a big debate happening.
I'm sure you've heard about it.
LGBT classes in primary schools? Yeah, not sure which side of the fence you guys are on, but, personally, I think it's a good thing.
I think it teaches kids at an early age about acceptance.
But if people don't want it there, OK, do it in high school, there's definitely a need for it.
One reason why I really want those classes to be in primary school is because then it wouldn't even be LGBT.
It'd be luh-guh-buh-tuh.
People who are against it have been saying that it's sex education.
It's not sex education at all.
I had sex education in my first year of high school, and because my school couldn't afford a specialist, it was just done by everyone's form teachers.
And my form teacher was an IT teacher.
Yeah, we had sex education from someone who was probably still a virgin.
And all we did, every class, was just put condoms on bananas.
That's all we did! We put condoms on bananas.
And then at the end of class, we would take the condoms off and the bananas went back in the canteen.
We weren't the only school that did that, right? Here's the thing.
I'm a big believer of the energy you put out in the world is the energy you get back at some point, right? I really do believe that.
And I'm watching this protest and there's a woman there and she's reporting on it and she's really emotional.
She's like, "Can you believe these people? They hate gay people.
They're homophobic.
" And I thought to myself, I guarantee some of them probably really hate gay people.
But I reckon others don't hate gay people.
I just think when it comes to people's kids and families, people are very different, very protective.
And she was like, "Imagine if they had a gay friend.
If they had a gay friend, it would change everything.
" And again, I thought to myself, I reckon some of them probably do have gay friends.
I just think when it comes to people's kids and families, people are very different, people are very protective.
Now, what really got me about this woman who was reporting on the protest was that she was surprised the protest was happening.
She couldn't get her head around the fact the protest was happening.
Now, I'm not a fan of the protest at all, but it doesn't surprise me.
I'll tell you why it doesn't surprise me.
I'm black! There are people who just don't like black people.
They've never met a black person in their life.
All they know is they just don't like them.
The only black person they like is Will Smith.
But that doesn't count, right? The energy you put out in the world is the energy you get back at some point.
I really do believe that.
And whenever I hear of people who hate black people, never met a black person in their life, I never think to myself, "Why don't they like black people?! "Can I be that first black friend?!" No.
I'll tell you what I do.
I fuck their daughters.
The middle row didn't really get on board with that one.
No, not for you? A little too close to home, maybe? That what it is? I meant of-age daughters, of-age daughters.
Get Remember I said that part.
That may sound harsh to some, but I've literally been in bed with a girl before and she's gone, "If my parents knew I was in bed with a black guy, "they would be so angry right now.
" I'm like, "Yeah, I know, "that's why you're here.
" Guys, are you ready for your first act? Oh! She's a very talented comedian.
Please make some noise for Jessica Fostekew! Hello.
You all right? Yes, please! This is nice, isn't it? One of the greatest things about being a stand-up is the travel that you get to do that you wouldn't have done otherwise.
I've been to places I definitely wouldn't have otherwise been to.
I've been to Switzerland.
That was weird, actually.
I think, naively, I expected it to be like other bits of Europe that I've been to, and it was quite unique.
There was something quite weird about it, actually.
It took me a few days to put my finger on it, what was weird about Switzerland.
I was like "What is it? It's very friendly.
It's very clean.
"It's very efficient.
It's very neat.
" And then it hit me.
I was like, "Hang on.
Where are their ugly people?" And they've had them killed.
They haven't got one.
I saw someone who was 100 years old, fit.
I wasn't alone.
I was with brilliant comedians.
We toured across the whole country.
Everywhere we went, we were met by local Swiss comedians who were on as well.
There was something for everyone.
Everyone had the same experience.
We all realised, night after night, that if a Swiss audience love a bit of comedy, they go like this.
"Very funny.
" That's how they laugh out loud, so you get used to it.
Of course you would, of course you get used to that over the course of a few weeks.
I had my favourite gig in a city called Basel.
They were a bit more relaxed, they'd had a few drinks.
Two drinks! That's breakfast in London.
So they're a bit more like that.
Really letting go.
And I got heckled.
I spoke to the man afterwards, he'd honestly meant well.
I was in the middle of a bit, and a man went "Great combination of writing and performance.
" Imagine what he'd be like in bed.
"The way that we are moving around together physically is feeling "very nice for me.
Thank you so much for that.
"It's making my brain send signals all the way down the back "of my spine, which is making blood rush around my groinal area 30 times "the speed it would do usually and bringing a nice rigidity "into my genitals.
Thank you for that.
I see you're starting to make a little bit more noise now, "which means your prefrontal cortex is finally breaking down, you're losing some of those inhibitions.
"I'm glad this is working for you too.
Probably time for the faster bit.
"If we carry on doing this physical act together "over enough time I will start to fill with extra amounts of the hormones vasopressin, oxytocin, dopamine and adrenaline, "and I will start to feel irrational feelings of devotion and commitment "towards you that other people call love.
Great combination of physical and visual stimulation!" In other words, he'd be a keeper.
I am naturally much scruffier than this.
I blame that at the moment on having a small child.
Not even four years old, and he's already a massive sexist.
He is! All that trouble to get him out and he is a sexist.
The other day he went, "Mummy ".
.
are you going to work again?" I said, "Yeah.
" And he went, "Why?" I said, "Well, for money, but also I love it.
" And he went, "I'm going to come to your work "and I'm going to be the best at it.
" I said, "Oh, are you now?" And he went, "Yeah, I can put my own coat on.
" The other morning, I pop the radio on, thought we were having a nice bit of mum and son time and he went, "Don't dance, Mummy, "not while I'm eating.
" Talking of what he was eating, talking of sexism, for about a year he called the breakfast cereal Weetabix "Pick-a-Bitch".
I really want him to grow up to respect women, but I did nothing to correct him.
It's just a lot more fun of a morning, innit? "What do you want for breakfast?" "Um Pick a bitch?" Be like that "Pick a bitch, PLEASE!" Now, before I had him and I was still pregnant, over and over again I would say this to people - "I don't care if I have a boy "or a girl.
I just want to have a strong daughter or a gentle son.
" What a prick.
And as karma for that smugness, I've got a very violent boy! I'm so honest in my comedy about what a handful my son is, I feel like I need to reassure you, like, you know, I do love him.
Don't ring anyone.
I couldn't love him more, but if anything, that makes it weirder because you've got this very extreme, very intense love for someone.
That makes it more confusing when their behaviour is objectively disgusting.
I think it's best summed up in cliches with a three-year-old, because the cliches are true.
So, genuinely, without a second's thought, I would jump in front of a car for him, but also some days BECAUSE of him.
Because even if you take all of the violence out of the equation, just arguing with somebody that entitled but with no empathy is hard! And usually it starts from the second that you've woken up.
I don't know if ever you've shared a house with a three-year-old.
Normally when you wake up, their creepy little face is already there.
Saying something like "I've had a poo.
" They say anything that means that you have to get up.
So once I genuinely got "All the taps are on.
" And there was one day in particular that I will never forget because of the relentlessness of it.
And it did start from the second that we'd woken up.
Bing! Eyes open, I was like, "Good morning, darling.
" And he was like, "It's not morning, it's lunchtime! You're a lizard! "I don't like Daddy! You're not my best friend! Can I have a knife?" Here we go.
Come on, come to the kitchen.
"I don't eat meals any more.
I only eat snacks.
"Can I have a cake? Can I have a cake? Can I have a cake? "Can I have a cake? Can I have a cake? Can I have a cake? "Can I have a cake right now?" That is not how you talk to me.
"Can I have a cake, please?" Now I've got to give you a shitting cake! It's not even 7am.
That goes in, doesn't it? Brrrrr! "Can I have another cake? Can I have another cake? "Can I have another cake? Can I have another cake? Right now, please, can I have another cake? Can I have another cake?" This thing is, darling, what we've got to learn is that sometimes we want a nice thing and then we get the nice thing and we have to think, "Oh, wasn't it nice to have a nice thing?" Doesn't mean we instantly have to have another four.
"Can I have four cakes? Can I have four cakes? "Can I have four cakes? Can I have four cakes? Can I have four cakes?" This went on so relentlessly that, after a few hours of it, I, a grown-up, said to a three-year-old I couldn't love more who asks for knives, and I meant it, I said, "Do you know what? "You can have whatever you want.
" But I swear to you, he went, "I don't want whatever I want!" And my friends are so kind about it.
They're all like, "Don't worry, you know, it's just his age.
"He can't help it.
It's just his age.
"He's just a threenager.
" That's what they say now.
It's cute, isn't it? But I think they should be honest and call him a thrunt.
This has been delightful, thank you so much.
Jessica Fostekew! Guys, are you ready for your final act? You're in for an absolute treat with this guy.
Please make some noise for Stephen Bailey! Hi! Normally, when I start a set, I like to find out my demographic.
But I was in Glasgow at the start of the year and I just went out there, I was like, "Where are my gays?" And this voice from the back of the room just went, "Dead!" So I don't bother asking now.
I'm terrified of what'll happen.
So I'm trying to get in shape, but I don't like going to the gym, so I've started going swimming, because obviously it works every muscle and I enjoy being wet.
But .
.
I don't like going when the little shits are in the pool.
Do you know on a school trip? Splashing around.
"Oh, aren't we cute?" No, fucking drown them.
But I thought, do you know what? If you don't like going when there's a school trip on, just don't go then, and this is how I learn that you can't get away with anything with this voice.
So I rang the leisure centre in advance and I spoke to the girl on reception.
I was just like, "Hi, babe, I'm thinking about coming down to the pool this afternoon.
"Can I just check, will there be any children in it?" She was like, "Er, why?!" I was like, "Oh, I just want to know if there's any fit ones.
Why do you think?" I didn't know perverts were so brazen.
"Hiya, Janice.
I'll have a ginger at lunchtime.
" Are you a straight? I'm straight, yeah.
And you're enjoying this? Yeah, I am.
What's your name? Tim.
Tim, cos you're really fit, Tim.
You're very confident.
No, you should see him.
I mean, you will when you watch the telly cos this man is filming him, but .
.
he is very, very handsome and very confident as well.
Like, he sat there, he's, like, open body language, legs are spread.
Like, if I fall off, it's like, "Mm, dinner.
" I'm an artist.
What was I talking about, Tim? Oh, me, sorry.
No, cos I've never really done the straight sex thing.
I haven't.
I've never, like I've never done boy on girl thing.
I've never done straight sex.
I haven't cos I find it disgusting, unnatural and I don't think it should be taught in schools.
Stop it, I'm a professional.
Right.
So, like I say, I'm single, but I really am one of those I'm sorry.
I do want a boyfriend.
I really want a boyfriend.
I've been working my whole life.
I need a man to look after me.
And I know that's not very feminist of me, but I'm not a woman, so Shove me in the kitchen and do whatever you want to me.
I want you lot to have whatever rights you want.
I just don't want to have to do anything, do you know what I mean? So I've been on the hunt and I've been doing any of the dating websites.
Has anyone done Plenty Of Fish? Any lunatic can message you, erm, and I will, Tim.
And I think the way we speak to each other on the internet, no-one really speaks to each other that way in real life, like Tim's not going to come up to me at the bar afterwards and be like, "Hey, how's you? Aubergine.
" Young people love that cos they know aubergine means dick, and all the old people at the back are like, "Oh, my God, he's going to bake him a vegetarian lasagne!" I'm not, Janice.
And, Tim, this guy from POF messaged me and he just said, "Hey, how's you?" And I was fine, I wasn't really that bothered, so I didn't message him back.
Four days later, the same guy messages me and was like, "Hey, how's you? Not heard back from you, hon.
"Worried you've been killed.
" So I gave him my number and .
.
and it turns out he's big into sexting.
Do you know when a man sends you pictures of an erect penis, being like, "Love you"? Well, I'm not that big into it, to be honest with you.
I feel like it's like sending someone a picture of a bunch of flowers.
Like, I want to be able to hold it and smell it for myself, thank you.
And this guy from Plenty Of Fish, he actually sent me a picture of his penis, and it just said, "Thinking of you!" And it was flaccid.
It's terrible.
I can't catch a break and I don't know why.
So, when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend last year, for the sake of the tape, let's call him Satan.
I decided I'm done with the UK, I'm off.
You've had your chance.
You've had your chance.
I'm off to Norway.
Has anyone been to Norway? Aren't they stunning in Norway? They are.
They absolutely All the men there are like Hollywood tens, whereas I'm more of a Manchester six after an Aperol Spritz.
No, but they are, they're all dead tall, they're all like 6'2'', blonde hair, blue eyes, tans.
They have those bodies.
You know those swimmers' bodies with those things? I call them cum gutters.
But because they all look like that, I got a bit disheartened, cos I was like, I've got no chance.
After my gig, send me back to the hotel room with a pizza.
Put Quasimodo back in the bell tower.
But then I realised something - because they all look like that, chubby, ginger, camp and pasty is fucking exotic! I got so much dick.
I met this guy and his name was Jonas and I think he was a model.
I think he invited me back to his house, but I don't speak Norwegian, but I went anyway.
The next day I woke up and I was like, I just couldn't believe it.
I was like, this is the most beautiful man I have ever and probably ever will be with.
So I thought, do you know what? Just while he's there asleep, I need proof of this.
I just thought, I'll take a harmless little picture.
And I was like And then I sent it to my best mate, Natalie, and she responded straight away in only that way a best mate does, and was like, "Does he know you're there?" I love her, though.
She's my single mate and she's So she's called Natalie, she's 35 and she is a strong, independent woman, you know.
She owns her house, she's got the car, she's got the job she wants.
But the only thing she's missing that she feels like she needs is the husband.
So it's made her a bit deluded when it comes to the internet, cos now she believes whatever they tell them.
Like, she was talking to this guy online called Irish Patrick, and he told her that she only looks 18, and she's not looked 18 since she was 12.
But she might be on her own soon, cos I've met someone! I've really met someone and, you know, it's only been a little while so far, but I've got a really good feeling about it.
He's a lawyer.
Innit, innit? And cos we're in the early stages, we've got these cute little pet names for each other.
Like, he calls me his little monkeykins and I call him my pension.
I see the future and it's our divorce settlement.
Thank you so much, I'm Stephen Bailey.
See you all soon.
Thank you for listening.
Stephen Bailey! Guys, unfortunately, that's it.
Did you all have a good time? So you saw Jessica Fostekew .
.
and Stephen Bailey! And I have been Darren Harriott.
Thank you very much.
Good night!