Live at The Apollo (2004) s15e06 Episode Script

Desiree Burch, Paul McCaffrey, Jonny Pelham

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Desiree Burch.
CHEERING Yes! Apollo! Yes! Oh, right, that's right, I'm hosting this bitch now.
I'm back and I'm single.
Ow! And I'm 40.
What? What happened? Oh, my God.
OK.
Now, look, justpeople of Apollo, can you please give me a shout if you are single? AUDIENCE SHOU Nice! I can see you.
I'll talk to you soon.
Now, single people, please make a noise that indicates your level of enthusiasm about being single.
THEY SHOUT LOUDLY OK, so what you're telling me is you're all 20, basically, right? They're the only people who shout at being single.
20-year-olds, they're super excited, you're all excited cos you think that sex is going to get better and that you're going to get better at it, all right? You're not.
I'm the Terminator.
I've come to kill your dreams, all right? I'm sorry.
It's not going to get any better.
Anyway, here I am.
I'm single, ready to mingle, and I don't know if all the single people who screamed earlier, if any of you guys are like me.
Have you ever had sex with someone just to get rid of them? WHOOPING Yes, thank you.
Confirmation.
Thank you.
I don't feel so weird now.
No, honestly, it's just the best way sometimes.
You're like, "OK, look, you got what you came for.
Now bugger off.
" Do you know what I mean? It's so terrible, but I think part of it is the way that we date these days because it's always on apps, and so the problem is all of that getting-to-know-you stuff that you would normally spend the first four or five dates on, all that stuff is blown on WhatsApp in the first week before you ever even meet that person, right? So you have nothing to talk about.
You may as well do it.
And, like, when you have those conversations, that's all that date stuff, right? You're finding out about his hopes and dreams, he's learning about your background.
And then there's always that one night where the texting goes a little too late into the night and it starts to get a little seedy and all of his emojis change from the neutral yellow ones to the turgid purple ones.
You know, it's all devil horns and aubergine and you're like, "OK, well, you know, like, obviously "this is going to end in wanking "cos, like, he's definitely having a wank right now.
"and I'm going to have one "cos Goddamn it, I'm a feminist, all right? So tit for tat, OK?" So then you've virtually just had sex with this person, basically, right? So, like, the next day is when the reality sets in, cos that's when you start to notice all the things you were ignoring before.
You're just like, "I could swear to God he knew how to spell 'your' "yesterday, but he's done it wrong like three separate times.
"Like, I can't have sex with a dumbass.
"Like, that's not a trait I want to pass on to my imaginary children "I'm never going to have.
Come on, like, "I don't know if stupid is contagious.
"It might be the worst STD out there, it's just stupid.
"Like, maybe this guy will literally fuck my brains out.
"That's not something I can go for.
" So, like, now I'm like, "I just got to meet him really, really fast "and get this over with.
" So I've been on like five Bumble dates in the past three months and they've all gone pretty much the same, right? So I'll show up to the agreed-upon pub 15 minutes late cos I read that listicle that was like, "make him wait for it, girl.
Mmmm, you do you.
" You know? Whatever, right? Put on a full face of make-up and then took half of it off so I didn't look desperate, right? So I get there - three levels of pub.
This guy is nowhere to be found.
I even check the toilets.
He is not here, OK? And then I get a text 20 minutes after that saying, "Oh, sorry, the District line's acting up.
"I'll be there as soon as possible.
" And I'm like, "Likely story, asshole.
I'm checking TfL.
" Right? So So, like, I can't start eating cos that's what we're going to do, so I just have to go to the bar and get myself an extra large glass of red wine so that by the time he shows up, I'm a rip-shit drunk.
Ready to meet my future husband.
I got my dress tucked into my panties.
Let's do this, all right? You know? My teeth are all purple like I just fellated a Ribena berry and shit.
I'm like, "Come on.
" You know, just ready for this.
And so, you know, he saunters in.
He's like, "Oh, let me buy the next round.
I'm so sorry.
" And then that gives him permission to, like, monologue for 20 minutes about himself, right? And then after he's talked forever and ever, he'll, like, throw me this bone, he'll be like, "So, what are you into?" Did the last week not just happen, asshole?! Like, read the dossier! OK? I worked on that profile for an hour.
OK.
Four hours, all right? I had a friend to check my work, OK? We have been over this, all right? We both read Vonnegut.
We're both in Ravenclaw, all right? I'm from LA, you're from Northampton.
Go! I'm going to die soon.
Come on.
I just get so amped up about this and I'm like, "Desiree, take it down a notch.
"There is a reason you shaved and came out tonight, all right? "This one might be the one, so just chill it a bit, all right?" So, you know, I'm sitting there and talking to him a little bit more and the more he tells me about his passions and his goals, the more and more I can start to see the future wedding photo take shape.
And I am not in it.
OK? I'm not the one.
I'm not the one standing next to this guy wearing a ?500 hairdo that's essentially a bun with some garden foliage in it and I definitely don't want to have to go to any awkward family events where I have to pretend that his nan isn't being casually racist every time she refers to me as Condoleezza cos she can never remember my name.
She just knows it's exotic.
And I'm like, "Er, ma'am, that bitch is from 20 years ago, "could you update your racism, please, Nan? "Get Lizzo here.
Come on, help me out.
" Right? Thank you.
Right? Yes.
OK.
Here's the thing that I'm getting now that I've turned 40, cos my dating bracket has kind of shifted up.
It shifted to like the 35- to 55-year-old bracket that nobody markets shit to any more.
You know, they're like, "If you don't have kids, "we have no idea what to do with you.
Just die soon.
" And honestly, it is probably a very good thing, as you guys can hear from my life, and my point of view, that I do not have children, OK? Especially because I don't understand what any of them are saying or doing right now any more.
Like, I'm completely confused.
I OK, so I was in an Uber about a month ago, right? I'm not proud.
I'm just cheap and lazy, OK? So I was in this Uber and you know how the Uber driver always wants to get his five-star ratings so he's offering you all the water in the universe and every hard candy and every charger you could possibly want, right? And so, like, you know, and then he does the thing - he's like, "Oh, what radio station do you want to listen to?" And you're like, "Honestly, I just prefer silence "or that radio station where you talk to your wife on the phone "in a language I don't understand.
"And hopefully you'll get into a fight, so you drive faster.
"You know? Like, that's the station I want," but you can't say that, right? But this guy, as he was asking me, "What station do you want?" He looked at me in the rear-view mirror and just turned it to a hip-hop station, right? He just put it on Racial Profiling FM or whatever the heck it was.
Right? He was like, "I know what you want.
" Right? And I was like, "OK, fine.
Hip-hop.
I don't mind it.
" It's great, right? And so there was this rap song on and I think it was trap cos I think that's the iteration of rap that we're on now.
It's a lot of, like, synth and, like, fast beats and stuff.
And so I was listening to the song and I realised that, like, it took me most of the song to even understand what was being talked about and I know I heard this refrain cos it was part of the chorus, so I heard it at least twice.
I don't know if you guys heard this, all right? But the song goes, "Throw your pussy through the roof!" Has anybody else heard this song? OK, can we all at least agree that we all live in a world where this song probably does exist? OK.
Thank you very much.
All right.
Because I'm certain that I heard this and all I could think I was just confused.
Like, I was like, "What?" Like What?! That doesn't make sense! Right? Like, I mean, I guess I understand what it's like to be a woman in a club and just be like, "You know what, boys, you want it? "You want it? Go get it.
Go fetch.
Go, go.
" You just run in the other direction.
Just Like, I get that kind of frustration, but I couldn't understand why someone would put that in a song.
And then I was like, "Oh, shit, it's a dance anthem, right? "He's saying that he wants the women to twerk so hard "that their vulvas dislodge "and go through the ceiling of the building "and, finally, more than one woman gets into space at the same time.
" It's actually quite a progressive song.
And all I could think when I figured that out, I was like, "These young people know nothing about home ownership.
" All right? "You definitely don't want a pussy on a roof.
"I mean, the damp's going to set in.
"That's tens of thousands of pounds of repairs.
"Come on.
If anything, throw it into the conservatory.
"The orchids will love it.
" Right? Then I was kind of like, "You know what? Like, I bet that this is somebody's jam.
"Like, I bet that there are, like, women in the club, like, 'Pussy through the roof!' "And they run out to the dance floor.
" Right? And like, look, I don't want to yuck anybody's yums.
If that's your jam, great.
I'm not mad at it.
I just hope for the sake of equality and parity that there are female trap stars out there writing equally awesome dance anthems like Smack Your Dick Right Out The Door.
You know, when a man is being such a gentleman, he just swipes his own schlong right off to let you walk in front of him.
Or, like, Tuck Your Balls Between Your Cheeks.
When he's so busy not grinding on you at the club that he just makes a nice, accommodating fruit bowl for everybody else in it, you know? Or, er, Grow Some Titties Of Your Own! Cos, see, that one, as men age, they tend to take on more oestrogen and become a little bit more calmer and listen better to your stuff.
All right.
I'm just going to bring out your first act in a minute, but I wanted to tell you this because as I'm saying, I am dating a lot of older guys, but I also realise - as much as I say that I am 40, I know I don't look 40.
Right? So I get a lot of guys who are talking to me who are like 27, 28 and I can't get over the fact that, like, when I was 18, you were six.
Like, I can't do that.
It's so weird, right? But he's talking, he's, like, stepping up to me and I'm like, "I don't even get how this works.
" Like, if we hook up, do I have to drop you off at school tomorrow? How's this work, right? So I'll get talked to by guys who are, like, younger and I think that a lot of you don't realise how much some of us women mean business, OK? So here's what I need you to do.
Like, men in your 20s, if you are ever in a position of talking to a woman who appears to be at least 30 years old, OK, and you are not available All right? You've got a wife, a partner, a girlfriend, a fiancee, whatever it is you have, you are not available.
.
.
you need to let us know.
All right? In the first five minutes, you got to bring that bitch up, all right? Just be like, "My wife has a face as well.
" Like, whatever it is.
Just find a reason to bring her up because, yes, you will see the light of hope die in our eyes, but at least we'll know, "These are not the droids you're looking for," and we can move on, OK? Cos we are not looking for friends, we're looking for partners.
We are like sharks.
We are on the move.
All right? I was at a cast party for a show I was not in about a month ago, right? Cos, like, basically, my friend had done the show and she invited me to the party and I was like, "Great, because I don't know any of these guys, "but they're all coming down off of the high of finishing "what they've done and they're all going to be depressed.
"and I'm going to catch some sad dicks in my basket, yeah! "I'm going to get all these sad, crying dicks, yes, yes.
" Right.
It's the perfect place to pick up new people, right? So I go to this cast party and I'm talking to the sound guy, right, for the show and I love sound guys, I love to I mean, I depend on sound guys, but I love tech guys cos they just get business done and don't make a fuss about it.
They're like, "Yeah.
You're welcome.
Bye.
" Like, I love that, right? So was talking to this sound guy, right? And he was, like, cute and geeky and I talked to this guy for 45 minutes about the video game The Legend of Zelda.
Yeah, yeah, I held my own in that nerd ass conversation for 45 minutes.
I stumbled all the way down memory lane with this guy and I was pretty proud of myself.
45 minutes of this talk and I'm like, "You know what? "I think we're vibing.
Like, I'm going to get his number.
"He's so cute.
He's so funny.
" 45 minutes into this conversation, this guy goes, "Yeah, my wife always loved that game.
" And I was like, "Goddamn it! "Your wife? Your wife?! "I have ovulated in the middle of this conversation! "Your wife owes me an egg! Go, run and tell that bitch that.
"You owe me an egg.
" Right? She'll be mad at your ass, too, when she comes.
She'll be like, "Why didn't you tell her that? Now I've got to give this bitch an egg.
Come on.
" All right.
You guys are in for such a treat tonight.
We have an amazing show for you and, right now, I'm about to bring out one of the best white guys on this programme tonight.
You guys are going to love him.
Please, put your hands together for Paul McCaffrey! CHEERING Yes! All right.
Good evening, my name is Paul McCaffrey, hello.
AUDIENCE: Hello! This is what I look like.
It's not ideal.
I know what I look like.
I look like Oasis Lego.
What an odd shape as well.
What the hell is going on? I've only put weight on on the top half of my body.
I don't know what's going on.
I've got a fat body and skinny legs.
I'm fat and skinny at the same time.
My waist has been a 32 all my adult life, just my belly has slowly expanded.
32 waist, big belly.
I'm like, "I've got sort this shit out, man.
"I got to lose some weight.
" I've started noticing adverts for diets everywhere I look.
Saw one on a bus shelter the other day, a poster.
It said, "Are you overweight?" And I thought, "Yes, I am.
" "I shall continue reading.
" There's an advert for this diet - you quite often see these - on the poster for the diet, there is a picture of a guy that's been on this diet wearing a pair of his pre-diet trousers.
He's going, "Bloody hell, mate, look at this! "These are my old trousers.
They're absolutely massive.
" And underneath it said, "On this diet, "Steve's lost eight inches around his waist.
"How would you look if you lost eight inches around your waist?" I thought, "What, of a 24-inch waist?" Absolutely ridiculous, mate.
Like a toffee apple.
That is not a look anyone is going for, is it? A balloon with two bits of string hanging out the bottom.
Hard, isn't it, losing weight? Particularly in this country because every year If you've lost weight, well done.
And if you're trying - good luck.
Because every year in this country, a new celebrity appoints themselves Head Of British Weight Loss.
This is an unofficial role, self-appointed.
Every year, a new celebrity decides that they are now the person that is going to tell us all how we're going to lose weight.
And this was started, as I'm sure we can all remember, by Davina McCall.
I'm sure we can all remember when she was Head Of British Weight Loss.
She had her workout videos, her books, she was telling us all what to eat.
She was very much Head Of British Weight Loss for a while.
Then, oddly, Sonia from EastEnders took over.
I don't think any of us saw that shit coming, did we? What a weird day in everyone's lives that was.
I'll tell you what, her workout DVD, easily the most effective one I've ever owned.
I just used put on in the kitchen - I never wanted to go in there again.
Last year, for the first time in history, a guy took over as Head Of British Weight Loss.
His name? Joe Wicks - The Body Coach.
Don't cheer him.
That is not the point I'm trying to make here.
What a smug prick he is - I can't stand him.
Oh, he makes me sick.
He's constantly strutting around with no shirt on, shouting at someone about how to make an omelette.
Every time I see him, it feels like a personal attack on me.
He's jumping around, "You too, can have a body like me.
" No, I couldn't, mate.
That's genetics at play there.
The only way I can have a body like you is if they found a way to do an operation where they could cut my head off and put it on your body.
He's got an incredible body.
Fair play to him.
He talks absolute bollocks.
His workout tips, it's like he's selling fruit and veg.
"OK, ten press-ups.
Bosh.
Pucker.
Oi, oi!" And they're everywhere.
I had one session with a personal trainer, and one session only, cos this guy was a lunatic, right? In the first session, he gave me a list of suggested dietary swaps.
What it was - A4 piece of paper, one column, a long list of food you may be eating on your current diet, a long list of different foods you might be eating at the moment.
The next column, a long list of foods he suggests swapping each one for if you're trying to lose weight.
Strap in.
These are genuine suggestions, right? Tasty alternatives.
Dietary swaps.
The man was an absolute moron.
He said, "If you're trying to lose a bit of weight "All right, if you're trying to lose a bit of weight," he said, "Instead of having a bar of chocolate "All right, if you're trying to lose a bit of weight, "instead of having a bar of chocolate, "why don't you try snacking on some raw vegetables?" Why don't you fuck off, mate? How's that sound? That's not a like-for-like swap, you idiot.
You can't suggest swapping something really fun for something dull as shit.
There's no incentive, is there? That's like going, "Have you got a day to kill? Yeah? "Instead of going to a theme park, "why don't you stay at home and stare at an onion?" I've got to say, hand on heart, I thought his next suggestion was a joke when I first saw it.
I thought, "He's testing me here to see if I've got a sense of humour.
" What he said next was incredible.
Hold on to you chairs because shit is about to get real in here with what he suggested next.
His next suggestion was off the scale.
He said, "If you're trying to lose a bit of weight "and you're making yourself a sandwich" All right? "If you're trying to lose a bit of weight "and you're making yourself a sandwich," he said, "instead of using two slices of bread "to make that sandwich with" Bread is very high in carbs.
Bread is very stodgy.
He said, "If you're trying to lose a bit of weight "and you're making yourself a sandwich, "why don't you try using two slices of ham?" What on earth are you talking about, mate? You can't make a sandwich with two slices of ham.
It's not structurally sound.
Imagine whipping that floppy old thing out in the staffroom on Monday lunchtime.
Trying to conduct a sensible conversation with one of your colleagues with that thing bloody flapping around all over the place? "Yeah, it was a brilliant weekend, Brenda.
Took the kids to the zoo, went to football.
HE GROANS HE GRUNTS What's he on about? You can't make a sandwich with two slices of ham! What if you want a ham sandwich? That's just three slices of ham, surely? You can't open a packet of ham, pull out the top three slices and go, "Anyone want a sandwich?" The bloke was an absolute idiot.
His final suggestion, I've got to say, was actually very good and very much aimed at everyone here cos his final suggestion was aimed at anyone trying to lose weight on a night out.
Here you all are.
You've probably been for food before you came here, you're all drinking.
Difficult, if you're trying to shed a bit of the poundage like I am, but do not worry, this guy had a little suggestion for us all.
He said, "If you're trying to lose weight on a night out" He said, ".
.
instead of drinking lager" Sorry, mate.
Unfortunately very high in calories.
Very sugary.
He said, "If you're trying to lose weight on a night out, "why don't you try swapping lager for white wine?" Whoo! My response exactly, madam.
What a fantastic British suggestion, I thought.
Swapping one alcoholic drink for another, calling it a diet? Yes, please.
I tried it that night.
I went out with three friends, we did two rounds, I had eight large glasses of white wine.
I was so shit-faced when I got in, I ate a whole box of Ferrero Rocher! Literally the shittest slimming advice I have ever been given in my life.
Ladies and gentlemen, this has been an absolute dream.
OK? Thank you so much.
CHEERING I've been Paul McCaffrey.
I'll see you again.
Thank you.
Cheers.
God.
Yes, give it up for Paul McCaffrey, you guys! CHEERING Yes! Are you guys ready for some more comedy tonight? CHEERING Yes! Then let me bring on our next fabulous act.
Please, give a warm welcome for Jonny Pelham.
MUSIC: Underdog by Kasabian Hello! Hello, Apollo! How are we doing? Are we well? CHEERING Good stuff.
It's very nice to be here.
My big news is I recently moved in with my girlfriend.
CHEERING It's my first ever relationship.
My first ever relationship.
I was very sexually repressed.
I actually had sex for the first time when I was eight with a man who was acting very immorally.
GASPING AND LAUGHTER I tell it like a joke, but it's actually true.
When I was eight, a man had sex with me.
I know it's quite a heavy thing to talk about, a bit of a gear change, but I'm going to talk about it for the rest of my set, so strap in.
LAUGHTER Don't worry if you don't know how to respond, people never do.
Some of the responses are so funny, man.
The other day, I told my friend about it, gave him some details.
Like, you know, "He's black.
He was my baby-sitter," and my friend went, "He was black?" I was like, "Yeah.
Why is that the bit of the story "that you're interested in?" He said, "Oh, right.
I just didn't think paedophiles could be black.
" And firstly, they can be, and secondly - that is so the wrong bit of information to take from that story.
That is like if I rang someone up, and like, "Oh, my God, I've just been mugged at gunpoint at Notting Hill.
" They'd be like, "Notting Hill? "What a weird place for that to occur, you know?" And, don't worry, I know it's a heavy thing to talk about.
So before I go any further, want to reassure you - I'm fine.
I'm OK.
Everything is absolutely fine.
I've been to therapy.
It's all OK.
You've got to take the positives.
It could have been a lot worse, you know? I could have told Liam Neeson about it.
But I never talked to anyone about it for years, and they say on average, it takes people 22 years from the time the abuse has stopped to tell anyone.
And I don't want to boast or anything, but it only took me 17.
Thank you.
And another way it really affected me was sexually.
I was very sexually repressed, and it was fine until I got to university and university was so sexually competitive, man.
Everyone's bragging about how young they had sex on freshers week.
One guy was like, "I had sex the first time when I was 15.
" Another guy said, "That's nothing.
"I had sex for the first time when I was 14.
" And I really remember thinking, "I've got an ace in the deck here.
"But I'm not sure I should play it, you know? "Cos it's different, isn't it?" You hear someone had sex for the first time when they're 14, you're like, "Oh, wow.
I bet he's fun and cool.
" You hear someone had sex for the first time when they're eight, you're like, "Oh, wow.
"I bet he's mean to his pets.
" My friend told me to smile when I do that joke, so the audience know I'm not a psychopath.
So now whenever I do it, I have a big, cheesy grin.
I remember I started internet dating, and I met a girl, and I went on my first date at the age of 25.
First date - I was very nervous, you know? I didn't really know what I was doing.
Obviously, I knew the basics.
Got a nice haircut, put on a nice shirt, put on some Lynx Africa .
.
cos I know what women want.
They want their men to smell like a systematically oppressed continent.
The first time I had sex was completely by accident, really, it just sort of happened.
I met up with a friend of mine in Salford, in Media City, just for, like, a casual drink.
We ended up getting absolutely hammered and having sex outside in the Blue Peter Gardens.
Yeah.
So the first time I had sex was a crime.
But the coolest crime.
Technically, at that point in my life, every time I'd had sex had actually been a criminal act.
I don't really remember much about the first time I had sex.
All I really remember is she kept saying, "Harder, harder, harder," and I was like, "I'm trying my hardest.
"Like, I can't grow a bigger dick.
I'm not hanging back.
" No man wants to hear, "Harder, harder.
" What you want to hear is, "This is more than sufficient.
"This is more than sufficient.
" We started dating, I was suddenly horny all the time.
I really I had clearly been, like, repressing it for years.
It suddenly just flew out of me, man.
Like, I learned a lot about myself.
I used to think I was a friendly, lovely man.
I learned that I was a heavily repressed pervert.
I really know I remember quite early on in the relationship, we were on a train and I had all this sexual energy and I didn't know to do with it, I'd never really experienced it before.
I ended up fingering her on the train, which I know is gross, but I woke up the next morning and I thought, "I think that's good.
"I think I'm being sexual.
" I think that's a positive thing, you know? I think that's one of the great things about being me right now.
Very few people can finger someone on public transport, wake up the next morning and be like, "I'm really making progress.
" About a year ago, I started owning this part of my life, I started talking about it on stage and it meant I'd have to make some changes, you know? Like, I'd have to tell my parents, cos they shouldn't find out by turning on Live At The Apollo.
Jesus, eh? Or reading a review in the Radio Times.
"Fucked as a boy, surprisingly upbeat.
"Three stars.
" You know, that's not So I remember I went home and I told my mum first and she started to cry.
And I was like, "Oh, Mum, please, don't cry.
" And then I told my dad and he started to cry.
And I was like, "Oh, my God.
Dad, YOU can't cry.
" And then I told my sister and she didn't cry and I was like, "What is wrong with you, you heartless bitch?" And I think we've got to start talking about more as a society.
What I would have given for someone to talk about this topic with openness and honesty.
I've started talking about it now and people freak out, man, and when they freak out, I feel responsible for them.
The shame and the responsibility still feels like it belongs to me.
Even though child abuse has happened to millions of people, you still feel completely alone with it.
It never feels like you're connecting to something bigger than yourself, and it should.
Cos there's no political language for it.
There's no empowering movement.
There's no way of saying, "Me too.
" You can only say, "Why me?" And it is a hard thing to talk about, man.
Like, I remember, I went to my therapist and I said, "I think I'm going to do Live At The Apollo "and talk about how I was abused as a kid.
"Do you think that's a good idea?" And he said, "No.
" And I was like, "Why, do you think it'll be too traumatic? "Do you think it'll mess me up?" He said, "No, no, it just doesn't sound very funny.
" And I was like, "Challenge accepted, dickhead.
" CHEERING And that's really my time, I really hope you enjoyed it.
If you haven't - aren't I brave? Anyone want to? CHEERING Thank you very much! Cheers ! Yes! Jonny Pelham! Yes! Let me hear it one more time for Jonny Pelham.
CHEERING And, of course, the incredible Paul McCaffrey! CHEERING And I have been Desiree Burch! CHEERING Thank you so much, Apollo.
Goodnight! CHEERING