Live at The Apollo (2004) s16e02 Episode Script

Loyiso Gola, Scott Bennett, Helen Bauer

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your host
for tonight,
Loyiso Gola.
Welcome to the Apollo!
I'm a Londoner now.
I just moved here, man. It's nice.
I'm from South Africa.
I'm a Londoner.
Thank you. Everyone always asks me,
"What's your favourite thing
about London?
"What's your favourite thing
about London?"
My favourite thing about
London is that everybody uses
the word "dickhead".
It's amazing. "Oh, he's a dickhead,
he's a dickhead, yeah,
"he's a dickhead.
He's a dickhead.
"Oh, he's a dickhead.
No, he's a fucking dickhead.
"He's a dickhead.
"The Prime Minister,
what a dickhead.
"He's a dickhead."
The other day
I called someone a dick.
I said,
"Hey, mate, you're a dick."
They were, like, "Hey, hey,
"not the whole organ,
just the top part."
"What are you, a dickhead?
What are you, a dickhead?"
Good to be here, man.
Good to be in London.
I flew from South Africa.
I flew from South Africa
and I landed here.
I had to quarantine for 11 days.
Yeah, at a hotel at the airport,
cos I'm from a red-listed country.
They saythey say red-listed,
but you know what they mean.
I looked at that list.
That's a black list. That's
That's a black list.
I saw a list. I was like, "That's,
those are black people in there.
"All right."
But I hadn't flown
for, like, two years,
so I didn't, you know, like,
international travel was different.
Like, when I stepped into
the aeroplane,
when I stepped into the aeroplane,
everything was strange.
Everything was strange.
I walked into the aeroplane,
there was a person who grabbed
my ticket with enthusiasm
and gave me the most
useless directions.
"34B, that way."
I'm like, "Yeah, that's the only
fucking way I was going to go."
That's the pilot,
that's the rest of us.
You know what I mean?
These are the easiest directions
in my whole journey,
from the door to my seat.
"I don't need your help.
"Where were you when I was
entering terminal five?
"That's when I needed you.
I don't need you any more."
I always act like I'm lost.
I get back, I go,
"Hi, did you say left at
the roundabout?"
It's crazy, man. I always sit on
the emergency seat.
I love the emergency seat,
cos I'm six foot five.
I love the emergency seat.
It's like business class
for poor people.
You get legroom and responsibility.
As soon as you sit down,
someone pops out of nowhere.
"Sir, in case of emergency,
"are you willing
"and able to help the rest of
the passengers evacuate the plane?"
I always take this time
to look around the plane.
I go, "No, fuck 'em."
Of course I'm going to help.
I'm the first person out.
This is how this whole thing works.
I'll be outside first.
Why would I decline such an offer?
It's a great offer.
I'll be giving
instructions from the water.
"Take a left, take a left.
"The sharks are over there.
"Leave the kids behind."
I find it bizarre that we cannot
hear the pilot.
Don't you think it's crazy that?
Do you understand the technology
for us to hear the pilot
I am actually utilising
it right now?
This is the technology for us
to hear the pilot.
I don't know why we cannot hear
There's no other context where
it's acceptable
for us not to hear a person.
Why are you muffling?
If you're looking for
an au pair for your kids
and a person came over
to your house and you say,
"Hey, man, what's your experience
with kids?",
and then they looked at
you and went.
You'd be like, "You need to
get out of my house, sir."
Weird things happen in aeroplanes.
Weird things, like crazy things,
bizarre things.
Like, how bizarre would it be right
now if someone walked in here
and started selling us watches
and perfume?
Wouldn't that be
the most bizarre thing?
But it happens all
the time in aeroplanes.
No-one's ever gone,
"Huh, this is crazy."
You just do that
English polite thing,
"Oh, I've already got one, yeah.
"I'm not looking at the moment,
Not every airline should
be selling watches though.
Like Ryanair.
No business selling watches.
You need the watch, Ryanair,
your flight's seven hours late.
Also, why am I buying a £400 watch
on an £11 flight?
This makes no sense.
Yeah, being in London is cool.
I like being in London.
One of my favourite
things being in London,
there's so much to do.
I tried to buy a ticket online
to watch Wimbledon.
Yeah, man. The Wimbledon Final.
I got excited.
Went online. It was £3,000.
I was like, "What? £3,000."
OK, I'm not saying I
wouldn't pay £3,000, right?
I'm not saying I wouldn't
pay £3,000 for
a Champions League Final's ticket,
but I'm not paying £3,000 for
a sport where someone is going
to tell me, "Quiet, please".
Are you out of your mind?
For £3,000 there will be
no quiet, please.
For £3,000 I'm rubbing my nipples,
Centre Court.
Are you out of your mind? Three
My brother, 3,000? 3,000?
Oh. It's a lot of money.
"3,000. My brother. £3,000?
For £3,000 I should be able
to whisper some advice in
Roger Federer's ear.
3,000. 3,000.
I should able to walk onto
the court,
"Er, sorry, Roger, come on. Forearm,
let's work on that. Come on."
Three. My brother. 3,000.
For three For 3,000,
I should be able to punch
a ball boy in the face.
For three, three 3,000
..he'd be walking across, picking up
the ball, uppercut him in the nose.
He'd be so confused.
"What was that for?"
I'm like,
"No, it's part of the package."
"If you look carefully,
I can kick you in the balls."
I live here, but I just,
I'm trying so hard to get into
the culture of Britain, man,
just like the culture of you guys.
Crazy. Cos you guys have
a bank holiday where you
lose your mind.
All of you. Mind gone.
Everybody's mind gone.
I go, "What the hell's going on?"
"Oh, it's a holiday, mate.
Yeah, yeah."
And I'm like,
"Yeah, what is it for?"
"Oh, it's a holiday.
It's a holiday."
And all of you are pissed, like,
pissed, for like four da
You're just hammered. And I'm not
used to holidays like that.
I tell you what I mean.
I'm from South Africa.
In South Africa, bro, we have,
when we take a day off
there's something.
You understand?
2727 April was the first
democratic election that we had,
so we celebrate.
We call it Freedom Day.
On that day, everything on TV,
we talk about this is
the journey of the country.
Right? June 16, you know, we have,
we have a youth day where
the youth of South Africa
in 1976 refused
to be taught in Afrikaans by
the Apartheid government,
and they fought, and the government
came and shot at them.
We have these moments.
So when I'm, like,
asking my British friends,
"Bro, what is bank holiday?"
"Mate, it's just a day, yeah?
"We take a day off work
"and we get fucked up."
I'm like,
"Yeah, but what is it for?"
"Mate, it's just to get fucked up."
So it's a bit crazy.
I'm very thankful that you guys are
laughing at anything I'm presenting
to you guys onstage at the moment.
I'm extremely thankful,
cos I'm on a Tier One visa,
you know,
a person with extraordinary
talent in comedy.
So if you weren't laughing
and there was someone from
the Home Office here,
they could be like,
"No, that guy was lying on
his application,"
and I could get deported,
so I'm appreciative, thank you.
I'm a Londoner now, man.
I think of myself as, yeah,
I'm a Londoner.
I live in Hackney. Oh, my God.
Hackney people. Oh, my God.
Oh, HackOK, for those who don't
know what Hackney is,
it's, Oh, my God.
It's a place where people
roll their own cigarettes.
You know? I'm like, "Why?
It's already rolled up in a pack."
They roll their own cigarettes.
Everyone collects vinyl.
They collect vinyl.
I have a friend, he collects vinyl,
grows a beard,
like, full-on hipster vibes.
You know those guys?
Full-on. So I asked him one day,
"Hey, man, why do you why do
you collect vinyl?
"Why don't you just use iTunes
or whatever?
"Apple, whatever. Why don't you use
Apple Music, Spotify?"
He's like, "Loyiso,
I just love the crackling sound."
I was like,
"Well, buy some crisps, you twat."
Yeah, Hackney is amazing, man.
My rent is crazy.
My rent is crazy. My rent is mad.
And I was trying to figure out,
why is the rent crazy?
It's the brunch. Oh, my God.
The brunch in my
neighbourhood is amazing.
The brunch in my neighbourhood?
You could be sitting there, sir,
having some eggs Benedict, right?
Eggs Benedict with some
Japanese sauces.
You taste the stuff,
your palates are exploding,
all this flavour.
Ooh. You're sitting outside,
watching everybody walk by,
and in the same breath,
a crackhead could come up to you
and offer to suck your
dick for a pound.
And that is the multiculturalism
of London that I really appreciate.
This is amazing.
Are you guys ready for some show?
The first act coming on stage,
ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the Apollo
Scott Bennett.
Good evening, Hammersmith Apollo.
Are we good?
So nice to be here.
Now, let me just start
by saying well done
to any parents who've made it here
tonight. Have we got parents?
Cos here's what I've realised.
If you've not got children,
you're just here.
It's easy.
But if you're a parent,
this is everything.
This will have been in
the diary for months.
There'll be parents in here tonight,
don't even care about the show.
They're just enjoying sitting
in the dark for a bit, right?
That is like a spa day
for some of them.
I can see 'em now at
the back just going,
"This is so good.
Don't make me go back, John,
"don't make me go back."
I get it, OK?
I've got two young children,
and my youngest one, Sofia, she's
five now. I mean, I say she's five.
She's three when we go swimming.
I'm not an idiot.
Four on a bus, three on a train.
That's the system, isn't it?
I'll be honest, she hasn't got a
clue how old she is now,
that one. She's so confused.
Every birthday is a
genuine surprise for all of us.
She's this kid wandering around,
"How old am I today then, Daddy?"
"Depends what we're doing, darling,
doesn't it?
"Have you checked the spreadsheet?"
"You said Alton Towers."
"Right, well, get in that babygro.
Look small, all right?
"Not paying 48 quid for you
to go on some teacups,
"are we, mate? Come on.
What does Daddy say?
"Get on board with the fraud.
There's a good girl.
"Now stop talking, we're trying to
breast feed you."
Listen, you go through that
turnstile with
a five-year-old hanging off your
tit, they ask no questions.
"I've got one, why does
she have to bite me?"
So, she's a great kid.
There's just a lot of admin when
your kids are that little.
Have we got primary school teachers
amongst us this evening?
Great. I'm glad you're here,
cos I can direct all
this venom at you.
Cos here's my problem.
My daughter brings home stuff she's
made every day under people like
you, and I just
want to say on behalf of all
the parents here tonight,
just stop it.
We can't deal with it any more.
You don't see it at your end.
You just keep sending it.
Your carbon footprint is massive.
It is. You might as well have
driven an oil tanker into
a family of puffins, you people.
We'll never solve the climate
problem with you involved,
cos it just keeps coming,
doesn't it?
And it's not arts
and crafts any more.
It's emotional landfill,
that's what it is.
cos Gemma will say,
"Oh, she's put her name on it,
"oh, we have to keep it."
"We don't. We don't. She's not
Banksy. Get it in the bin, mate."
Do you know what I mean?
"It's another picture of
a sheep out of dried pasta, innit?
"We've had four this week."
I tell you, no wonder there's
a school meals crisis.
Stop sticking it on paper
and cook it, you morons.
It would feed these kids for years.
I mentioned Gemma, my wife.
We've been together now
two mattresses.
15 silent night years now.
We have them nights in, you know,
where you snuggle up on the sofa,
each of you on your own phones,
just browsing through
Facebook to find
the people you should have married.
That's what you do, isn't it?
That's what everyone does.
I met Gemma in the era before
the dick pic,
which is an interesting,
yeah, it's an interesting thing,
because the younger generation,
that's part of it now.
I can't send Gemma a dick pic now,
after 15 years of marriage.
She's seen that miserable organ
from every single angle.
There's no mystery.
I might as well send her
a picture of the slow cooker.
The only way a dick pic would be
interesting in our relationship
is if she sent me one.
That's where we are now.
That's where we are.
But relationships evolve.
That's what's amazing.
That's what I love about it.
Our relationship changed when we
were trying for a baby.
It's one of the least romantic
periods in your life, that, innit?
I knew when Gemma was ovulating,
cos she'd start to like me again.
Started to make me cups of tea,
ask how I was.
I'd think, "Yeah, I'm going to
get used again in a minute.
"Here we go."
You don't have a choice, either,
mate, you've just got to get on board.
She's like, "Get up them stairs."
"I don't want to, I'm scared."
"Get up there. You're mine, you.
Bring a cereal bar for energy."
I went through a multipack of
Trackers. She was an animal.
I used to leave them on the bedhead.
And it's so scheduled as well,
isn't it?
So scheduled.
You see the invite pop up in
the Google calendar.
You click "attend".
You know you have to,
otherwise someone else will get in.
That's how
And I don't care how much
you love each other,
how strong that relationship is,
after a certain amount of time,
that sex act is just weird.
It's just silent, eerie, angry,
It's just two people, two miserable
people, just working on a project
..banging away, night after night.
Mentally, you drift off. You're not
even in the room, are you?
You're not. You're just thinking all
sorts of things.
I remember thinking,
"Going to have a bowl
of cereal after this.
"Get this out the way.
I'm having some Coco Pops.
"Might even have Ricicles.
I'm going to put 'em together.
"Rici-pops. That's."
I sped up. I was excited.
She still thinks it was her.
It was the cereal.
Sometimes we'd have a full chat,
a full conversation.
We'd be like, "Er, so what happened
to that quiche in the fridge
"..behind the yoghurts,
the broccoli one?
"You've what? You've what?
You've thrown it out?
I didn't have any of that.
"Yeah, I am annoyed,
as it goes, yeah.
"So it's gone, then? It's gone.
"Full quiche gone in the bin.
"Unbelievable, that."
"No, I'm all right, I'm all right.
"When we're finished here, we're
going to have a row about that."
you've been absolutely incredible.
Thank you so much for listening.
One more time for Scott Bennett,
Are you guys ready for your
final act of the evening?
Please put your hands together
for the very funny Helen Bauer.
Hi. Oh, my goodness.
Hi, everyone. How you doing?
All right?
Yeah. I feel like I've had one
of those really weird
walk-ons, babe.
Did you feel that?
Like I was walking through,
and all the girls were whooping
and cheering,
and then this dude is just sitting
there looking at me like,
"No. This? What?
"She's way too fuckable
to be funny."
Bang on.
I've got good tits
and a personality.
I crushed it young, so sue me.
Like, I'm a big drinker.
I love drinking.
Like, I know I'm a good drinker,
cos I can currently
drink three bottles
of rose wine in one sitting.
Thank you.
Feel like most
of you are impressed by it
and you're just there in
the front row refusing to clap.
Like, "She can't do it,
she's too thin." Correct.
Yes, I'm a lucky woman.
I've got a fast metabolism
and sometimes I forget to eat.
No. See,
now I've done that thing where
I say I'm thin
and I feel the need to
point out to everyone,
like the guys at the back,
like, "Does she know?
"Should we tell her?"
I know I'm overweight.
Like, obviously I know that.
I've got a mum.
Do we have wine drinkers in?
Yeah, so you'll know. Wine drinking,
that's a challenge, right?
Three bottles. We can do it,
it's just not us being the change we
want to see in the world.
It's a marathon, not a sprint.
Got to ease yourself in.
You know that amazing part
of wine drinking,
that one bottle of dignity.
You've got that one bottle in you
and you're just
wandering round the bar,
you know, like bumping into things.
Like a bit of sick in your hair
but holding it together.
Get that second bottle down you.
That's the fun zone,
the second wine bottle.
You've got the tit hanging out,
but the good one,
cos we're smart.
Start going up to random guys, like,
"Oh, my dad's never hugged me.
"Let's talk about my childhood."
It feels amazing.
And that's when most wine
drinkers quit.
They give up. Not me.
Ha-ha. I push myself.
I have the third bottle.
Thing is, when I drink three
bottles of wine - ho-ho-ho-ho -
I'm going to cry.
Like, when I'm crying
after some wine,
it's the best cry ever.
Thing is, when you're crying
like this on a night out,
sitting down on a dance floor while
Mr Brightside plays,
your night is over.
You can't fight it.
It's home time.
Thing is, for women, we're not
allowed to just leave nights out any more.
We can't just go when we
want to go.
You first have to do a dance
with your friends.
It's the rule.
It takes about five minutes,
and all your friends have
to dance around you, going,
"Text me when you get home safe,
let me know that you get home safe,
"I'm going to track your journey,
text me, text me, text me, text me,"
which is cute. Also it's safe.
Of course we're going to text our
friends when we get home safe.
It's just that me personally,
I like to wait an hour see who really cares.
I genuinely believe my friends
are more likely to start
a podcast called
What Happened to Helen Bauer?
than they are to call the police,
and that is a concern for me.
Thing is, it takes me a while
to get home, and genuinely,
I am not recommending this,
particularly for any young
women in the audience,
to walk home drunk by yourselves,
but I am standing here saying
Oh, my God, isn't it so much fun
walking home drunk by yourself?
It's the best.
You know when it's raining outside?
Wind in the trees just
rustling the leaves.
You get your headphones in,
power ballad on,
fully volume.
Mine's Celine Dion,
It's All Coming Back to Me Now',
cos that song is flawless.
Keys between your fingers.
You've got a weapon. You're smart.
And even though you're
just lip-syncing,
in your head you're like,
"I am such a good singer.
"Oh, I'm going to record this
when I get home.
"I'm a star,"
thinking everyone's
looking at you from their houses
and flats, like,
"Oh, my God, where's she going?
"What's her story?
Is she in a music video?"
Yes, it feels amazing?
"Do you think she's going home?"
Uh-uh? I'm drunk, I'm
emotional, I'm going to eat.
Do you want to really quickly check?
Has everyone in here had
the privilege of eating a kebab
whilst completely shitfaced?
Right? It's Biblical, isn't it?
The way the food melts in your
mouth like the inside of
a Lindt chocolate ball.
Like, what is that?
Also, I know it's a comedy show,
I don't want to get too scientific,
but when you eat when you're drunk,
the calories don't count.
Right? It's like eating on a train.
It's not technically a meal.
Smart, smart, smart.
Thing is, I've got
this adorable thing I do.
It's so cute. You're going to die.
When I'm drunk and emotional,
I can now eat two kebabs in
the space of time it takes
the average human to
eat half a kebab.
"What? You're so thin."
I know. Uh-uh-uh-uh!
Thing is, I found out in a
horrible way the other week.
I went into a kebab shop
by myself, late at night,
bit of sick in my hair,
tit hanging out,
but like, fine, and I was like,
"Oh, two kebabs, please."
They were like, "Two kebabs?
"Where's your friend?" What?
I want food, not shame.
Luckily I've got smart about it.
Tell you what I do. Very simple.
What you want to do is go
to one kebab shop
and order one kebab,
and then eat it,
on the way to the second kebab shop,
like a legend.
It's late at night.
There's people in
the second kebab shop.
You don't want to get caught out.
That would be embarrassing.
Wipe yourself down for crumbs.
I like to use my GCSE drama
to take on
the role of woman who
has never heard of
a kebab before in her life.
Like, just wander in, like
.."Oh, my God. What is this place?
"I'm sorry, I usually have salad.
I'm so thin.
"I don't know. Look at my wrist.
"Do they Is it table service?
"Who is
That is how you drunk eat.
You guys have been so lovely.
My name's Helen Bauer.
Thank you very much.
One more time for Helen Bauer,
Give it up for all
the acts you saw tonight.
You saw Scott Bennett,
you saw Helen Bauer.
My name is Loyiso Gola. Goodnight.
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