Live at The Apollo (2004) s16e04 Episode Script

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your host
for tonight, Larry Dean!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome to Live at the Apollo!
CHEERING
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Nice to be here.
That wasn't the accent
you were expecting, was it?
English people going,
"Oh, no, we're going to have
to concentrate now.
"Smile and nod, darling.
Smile and nod.
"Explain afterwards. Mm."
Can you all understand
what I'm saying so far?
CHEERING
OK. Cos genuinely,
I can see some heads tilting.
"Maybe I'll get better reception
if I do that."
it if necessary.
Any excuse to do your accent. Hello!
I love the English accent.
The southern English accent
is my favourite.
It's a very slidey accent.
You slide into one
awkward situation, "Oooh!"
And you slide into the next one,
and then you've got to shrug it off.
"What am I like?"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much. Thank you.
It's just great to do it again
and that,
cos also, I haven't been down
in England very much.
And see, when I say about your
accent, I do genuinely love it.
Cos also I've noticed
with an English accent,
you've got to look really awkward
when you're doing it.
English tension when you're awkward,
it doesn't leave the body correctly.
It gets stuck there.
It's different parts of the body
depending where you're from.
Because if you're English and
awkward, the tension goes up there.
But an American,
when they get awkward,
they lose control
of one of their knees!
Cos an American will be like,
"Oh, my God,
"Brad saw me the other day
and he walked passed me.
"It was just so awkward."
"I coulda died."
Scottish people don't tend to get
awkward. We just get angry, man.
But, yeah, it's been weird
coming back since lockdown.
I've really been Cos also,
I'm getting over the paranoia now,
cos, like, I was so paranoid
at the beginning,
in the first lockdown. I'm not going
to talk about the second lockdown,
cos that's like the rule,
isn't it?
The first one,
I thought the first one was fun.
It was good, wasn't it? It was
like a wee Summer of Love we had.
The paranoia was terrible though,
and if you're sitting there
and you're thinking,
"I was never paranoid
about the pandemic,"
aye, you were.
Do you remember at the beginning
of the whole thing
when we were washing our food when
we came back from the supermarket?
That was the epitome
of the whole thing.
Like. "How was 2020?"
"I baptised a packet of ham."
But what I loved is British people
did the most British thing
for the pandemic, because we had
a year and a half of more free time,
and we could have learned
a new language.
But collectively, as a nation,
we joined together and went, "Naw."
"What's the point?
I'm not going anywhere anyway.
"What am I going to do?
Cry in Spanish?"
During lockdown I had
the thing of "I'll try and get fit.
"I'll try and get fit
for lockdown."
And what I did was, to get fit,
is I bought this bad boy.
It's a pedometer watch.
I've never had a pedometer
watch before,
but I've noticed something.
Whenever I wear my pedometer watch
on my left hand,
I walk 5,000 steps a day.
But when I wear it
on my right hand
..I get jizz on it.
And sometimes it's not mine!
I had my own goals, man.
My lockdown goals were, cos
we all had our personal goals,
like, "I want to do this,"
and mine was I wanted to get
in a relationship,
cos I'd been single
for a year and a half,
and I thought, "Oh,
I want to get in a relationship.
"It'll be nice to get
called special by someone
"and them not do the air quotes."
And I met my boyfriend last August.
Oh, yeah,
if you haven't seen me before,
just so you know,
I was gay before Covid.
Don't panic,
it's not one of the symptoms.
"Oh, you lose your sense of taste
and smell,
"then the cock doesn't sound
so bad after all."
"I don't know if I'm coughing
or I'm gagging,
"but I'm loving it."
Why am I doing that?
That's how gay people walk
when you're not looking.
"We're now watching a gay man
hunt in the wild."
I know, I'm not for everybody!
I can see some of you looking
at me going,
"I don't think I want to see you
ever again."
But you can't storm out when I'm
on stage, cos that's a hate crime.
Thank you very much!
Yeah, we metit was actually
quite romantic
how me and my boyfriend met.
It was through a friend,
in a park. And
It wasn't on Grindr though,
cos that's usually how
Cos, like, straight people,
you've got Tinder.
And Grindr is like Tinder,
except it tells you how far gay
people are away from you in feet.
Why would you ever
need to know on your phone
how far a gay person is away
from you in feet?
Like some kind of sat-nav
to find them?
If anything,
Grindr should be for homophobes.
If you're terrified of gay people,
that's a handy application
to have on your phone.
Just walking down the road going,
"Oh, Jesus,
I'm not going that way now.
"Oh, my God, I'm surrounded."
"How to get out of this church."
Thank you very much.
Did you have the thing,
by the way?
Did you have the thing
of during lockdown,
your brain would be remembering
cringey stories from your past
that you'd forgot about happening,
but for some reason your brain
was like a sibling waking you up
at four o'clock in the morning
going,
"Oh, I know it's four o'clock
in the morning
"and you're trying to sleep,
"but do you remember
when you shat yourself?"
"I'll be back in an hour
with another one."
Some of the date stories
I was remembering, I was like,
"Oh, no, that was horrendous.
I can't believe I did that!"
Cos on dates I would get
so nervous
that I would do stupid voices
to try and make them laugh.
Which is cute, but not sexy
in the slightest.
Nobody has ever gone,
"I didn't find him attractive,
"and I thought, no,
I'm not going to go back to his,
"but then he did Kermit the Frog
and immediately I was turned on."
"Come back to my house
with Kermit. It'll be really hot."
And on a date a guy told me he was
a massive Lord of the Rings fan,
and when he told me
that I thought,
"Hm, I'll save Gollum for dessert."
And when he said to me, "Larry,
I've got to go and get my taxi,"
it took me by surprise.
And instead of going,
"Oh, before you go,
"I've got this wee Gollum impression
you might enjoy,"
instead I panicked, dropped
my cutlery and grabbed his hand
and led him
out of the restaurant, as Gollum.
So the last thing he can remember
of me, and everyone else
in the restaurant can remember
of me, is me going,
AS GOLLUM: "Come with me, Master."
"Stupid, fat Hobbit
needs to go and get a taxi.
"Oh, no, we told Master
to leave us!"
"Precious master,
don't abandon your Smeagol."
And halfway through doing it,
I became more self-aware
..and I looked up at him
and I thought,
"He's not finding this funny
at all."
But I thought it's going to be
weirder if I stop halfway through,
cos, if anything,
that's more creepy, going,
"Master, please don't leave me, no."
NORMAL VOICE: "Nice meeting you,
man. Let's do this again some time."
Thank you so much.
Me and my boyfriend,
we get on really well,
but we had the standard
lockdown arguments,
which is normal. If you're a couple
and then you've been
in lockdown together, I'm pretty
sure you can survive anything.
The weirdest argument
we had, though,
was because I farted
when we were in bed.
And before you think I'm
a monster, I had the cover up.
You know when you need to fart,
and you put the cover up,
and then you scooch your bum out
the side of the bed,
and then you waft it away.
Cos you don't want to go out of the
bed, cos there's ghosts out there.
So I was wafting it away,
and he goes,
"Larry, are you farting over there?"
"Cos I'm trying to finish
this Tunnock's tea cake."
I'm pretty sure when this goes out
we're going to have
another argument, but
He goes, "Larry,
are you farting over there?"
and I went,
"Aye, but don't worry about it.
"It's not under the covers."
And he goes,
"No, Larry, that is disgusting.
"If you're going to fart,
fart in the corner, over there."
Are you mental?
Can any of you imagine
anything more terrifying
than waking up
in the middle of the night
and just seeing your partner
just standing in the corner?
Just farting,
but still staring at you.
"I'm doing this because of how much
I love you, darling."
Just years later,
that corner of the room
looks like a smoker's wallpaper.
So, folks, you guys are
an absolutely lovely audience,
and when I found out
who I was doing this show with,
I was so excited cos I love
watching these guys.
Your first act has been my friend
for ages.
She's so funny,
and one of my friends.
I really think she's amazing.
So, folks,
are you ready for your first act?
CHEERING
Give a huge welcome for
the wonderful Harriet Kemsley!
Hello.
Hi!
Hi, guys,
it's very nice to be here.
My name is Harriet. Before I start,
I have to tell you something.
It's getting a bit harder to hide,
but I am pregnant.
CHEERING
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I appreciate that.
It feels weird talking about it,
but I have to find
the father somehow.
So I'm just going gig
to gig around the country,
you know,
just trying to recognise his scent.
No.
It's been a long
and difficult search,
particularly for my husband.
But we're going to get there.
It's been a difficult year
all round, hasn't it? I don't know.
Things got so bad this year
that I even started
to miss weddings.
That's how bad things got.
The last wedding that I went to,
it was back in Kent,
where I'm from,
so my husband wasn't invited.
And I got there
and I realised that I had slept
with three of the men there.
That is quite a high percentage,
isn't it?
And it was a small wedding,
mainly family.
But I was like,
"Let's reframe this. What a legend!
"I should tell somebody about this,
share the good news."
I was quite drunk, so I was like,
"Oh, who should I tell?"
And then I was like, "Oh, I know
who'll appreciate this.
"My husband."
LAUGHTER
So I messaged him,
but, because I was quite drunk,
my use of past and present tense
was off,
so I just messaged him,
saying, "I've slept with
three men at this wedding!"
LAUGHTER
Exclamation mark.
Phone died.
So fun night for everybody
all round.
You do realise,
getting married, though,
how old-fashioned dating is.
Like, there are such different rules
for men and for women.
It's like, men, you guys,
you're meant to be proud of
the amount of people
you've slept with,
and boast about it, and us ladies,
we're meant to be ashamed and, like,
hide our number.
But I'm proud of the amount of
people I've slept with.
Yeah, even have a nickname for them.
Yeah, I call them
the hateful eight
LAUGHTER
..ty
..seven.
Some people might call me a slut,
right?
That's what they do,
don't they? But I'm not,
I just
I don't know how to say goodbye.
LAUGHTER
It's hard, isn't it? It's confusing.
You're like, handshake?
Hand job? I don't know.
I'm just trying to get on
with my day.
I've had chlamydia. Um
LAUGHTER
Do we have any other survivors in?
It's so nice to see you again.
The rest of you,
absolute liars. One in three.
I don't know if you feel
the same as me.
I found getting diagnosed
with chlamydia,
I found it was a bit like
Secret Santa.
Do you know what I mean?
It's a bit like Secret Santa,
like, you're just at the office,
just looking around,
just thinking, "Who gave me this?"
LAUGHTER
"Who didn't wrap their present?"
LAUGHTER
One of the last gigs,
actually, that I did,
it was in Wales,
and I said, "Do we have any
chlamydia survivors in?"
and this woman in the audience
just went, "Woo!"
And I was like, "Oh, cool.
"How long have you been clean for?"
and she went, "Still got it!"
LAUGHTER
And I was like, "Oh, cool.
"How long have you had it for?"
and she went,
"Three years."
I was like,
"You know you can get antibiotics?
"You can get it cleaned up."
And she just went,
"You can't drink on antibiotics!"
LAUGHTER
That woman was me. Ah!
I don't know, I think it's very
difficult to be sexy these days
because there's
a specific sexy look, isn't there?
There's like the Kardashians
and the Love Island girls.
It's like swollen face
and swollen lips
and swollen areas,
and that look doesn't work for me,
right?
Because I have a very allergic
reaction to nuts,
and so that look to me
is just mid-anaphylactic shock.
I'm like, "Quick, eat some peanuts,
upload me to Instagram."
Brrrrrr.
"I've never been so beautiful."
LAUGHTER
I don't know,
I haven't had these lip fillers,
but the idea behind the lip fillers,
right, is that your lips become
very big,
but then, also, very tender,
and then you put lip gloss on them
and then they look like
a wet vagina.
That's the science behind it,
and then potential mates
will be like,
"Oh, my God, there's a vagina on
that woman's face!
"I must marry her immediately."
But I'm not going to do that,
right, I'm not going to get
these fillers.
I found a more fun way to do
it, right?
What I'm going to do is
I'm just going to smoke loads
of cigarettes,
yeah, so that my mouth just
looks like
a really wrinkled arsehole.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. I know what the boys want.
Yeah.
Anal. I don't know,
cos the look they're trying
to achieve is this body shape
they weren't born with,
right, like a cartoon,
where they get bits of fat
sucked out of places
and added to other places, like,
to create this body shape
they weren't born with,
like Jessica Rabbit, like a cartoon,
right?
But I don't want to be
Jessica Rabbit.
I want to be a different
cartoon.
Yeah, I want to be Minnie Mouse.
Yeah, so I want to get the fats
into my hands,
so I have massive hands.
Just make all the dicks
look really small.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, massive hands, tiny dicks.
I know what the boys want.
I don't know,
I'm the kind of woman that thinks
every erection is about me.
Do you know what I mean? So, like,
my husband will wake up with
a boner,
and I'll be like, "Oh, my God,
"I can't believe I did that."
And he's like, "Harriet,
it's nothing to do with you.
"I was asleep," and I'm like,
"I am so powerful.
"I was asleep too. This is mad."
LAUGHTER
"Imagine what I can do
when I'm awake."
Thank you so much, everyone.
I started to do stand-up
on the advice of my dad,
which is really unusual.
Usually parents have much
higher expectations
for their children. Not my dad.
And he suggested it after watching
Live At The Apollo.
He suggested it to me.
Yeah, and I went out and I did it,
and I guess I just have
to be really thankful that
that night,
he wasn't watching porn.
LAUGHTER
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've been Harriet Kemsley.
Have a lovely evening. Goodnight.
Harriet Kemsley, everybody.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Folks, you've got another act.
He's absolutely amazing.
I'm so excited to watch this act.
He's absolutely brilliant.
I love him, right?
So, folks, could we please start
the clapping and cheering on three,
two, one. Let's go.
And give it up
for the sensational Slim.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How you doing, Hammersmith Apollo?
CHEERING
Wow, what a lovely crowd, man.
My name is Slim.
I'm from south London.
CHEERING
I've got six kids.
Can you believe that?
I know.
Three of them
born in the same month.
LAUGHTER
I mean it,
from the bottom of my heart,
and I will explain myself,
so I don't seem like a man-whore
to you guys.
The three of them are all off
the same lady.
They are different ages,
but they're all born in
the same month.
That baffled me for years.
How do you get three kids,
same lady,
different ages, same month?
People, I had to take a calendar
and work this one out.
I did.
I had to count nine months back from
their birthday.
Turns out it's my frickin' birthday!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
These are my little
birthday presents, you know.
You lot can clap and laugh
and everything.
When it's my birthday now,
I don't want no punani.
She can leave that shit.
That's expensive fanny right there,
innit?
LAUGHTER
There's a lot of stuff
I liked about parenting,
and there's a lot
of things I didn't like doing.
I didn't like doing shit like,
for instance,
the school Christmas play.
Have you lot ever been to
a primary school Christmas play?
What a load of shit.
It is. Come on now.
There's no kids in here.
What a load of shit!
LAUGHTER
If you've never been, I'll explain.
First, they usher you into
the assembly hall,
and they sit us down,
big grown folks,
on them little miniature chairs.
You ever seen them?
Look at the size of me.
I can't fit in one.
They either do that,
or they sit you down on that long
apparatus bench.
You remember the long?
That's what they sit big people
down on, for hours,
so by the time you try to get up,
you've rigor mortis in your back.
LAUGHTER
Not comfortable.
Two, I've noticed of recent,
these kids don't seem
to rehearse their part
they got in the Christmas play.
Do you remember
when we were younger?
Everybody wanted a part
in the Christmas play,
whether it was the top part or
You could be a tree.
It didn't matter.
You was going to play
the best tree ever.
You'd be in the front room like
a dickhead for hours,
swaying, ask your mum,
"How does that look?
"How does it look, Mum?
How does it look?"
But we practised.
And then they start singing.
Fucking horrendous.
It is. I don't care
what you got to say,
it's horrendous.
They're out of tune and everything.
You think,
"What kind of production is this?"
LAUGHTER
Didn't enjoy that.
Didn't enjoy them cooking at school
and bringing that poison home
for me to eat.
Do you know what I mean?
I know. It's poison.
Don't eat from these kids.
They are looking at
early inheritance.
Don't eat from them.
Don't eat from them.
I'll be fair.
I'll eat from the daughters.
My daughters, I'll eat from them.
I will tell you why.
In general, in general,
most women are more hygienic
than men,
in general.
So I'll eat from my daughters.
I will.
Never eat from a school-age boy!
Never.
He is the most unhygienic mammal
on the face of the Earth
..at that present time. Never!
And some of you are thinking,
"That's a bit harsh."
But I've observed teenagers
in their environment.
I've got 'em, and the lot of you,
whether you have children or not,
you would have observed teenagers
in their environment.
Now, I'm going to ask you,
teenage boys,
when they're just lounging around
doing nothing,
most of the time,
please tell me, people,
where is at least one
of their hands?
Where is it? Down their crotch,
scratching their crotch out,
scratching their batty.
I don't want none of your batty
biscuits.
LAUGHTER
Crotch cookies. Who wants that?
Give that to your mother,
she loves everything.
LAUGHTER
Ingredients says put essence
of vanilla in the
They've put essence of batty in
the biscuits.
Nonsense.
Out of the boys and the girls,
I've got to give it up for
the girls.
I've got three of each,
so I do know what I'm talking about.
I tell you why I'd give it up
for the girls.
Girls show they care for you
from a young age,
especially dads.
Listen carefully, Dads.
You've got to be in their
life, though.
If you're in their life properly,
when you get older,
an old man, they will care for you.
They'll look after you.
And they show it from young.
They do, people.
If you know a little girl,
they show it, their caring side,
from young.
Example. You come home from work.
You come into the house.
You see your daughter.
Your daughter sees you.
You greet each other.
"How are you, Daddy?" You say to
her, "Oh, darling, I'm all right.
"But Daddy is starving."
Your daughter.
"I'll feed you, Daddy."
Now she can't touch a proper cooker,
but guess what?
She's got all that plastic shit
in her bedroom,
cooker, teacups, teddy bears.
"Come on then,
"Dad, I've got everything.
Come on in."
"Sit on down."
You've all been there.
Now you've got to sit down at least
half hour
drinking tea that ain't frickin'
there!
LAUGHTER
You've been there.
But at least she shows her care
for you, her kindness.
Your boy,
your boy will love you.
He don't care about your hunger.
Same scenario with your boy.
You come in from work.
Little boy sees you. "How are you,
Daddy?" "Daddy's all right.
"Daddy's a bit hungry." Your son -
"Me too. Where's Mummy? That lazy
bitch.
"Where is she?
Call social services."
LAUGHTER
Seriously! Your son will step over
your corpse to get to the fridge.
LAUGHTER
Ladies and gentlemen,
you've been an absolutely
wonderful audience.
My name's Slim. Peace.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, Slim.
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you for watching
Live At The Apollo.
You've been absolutely brilliant.
Thank you very much.
Please give it up for
Harriet Kemsley and Slim.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've been Larry Dean.
Thank you very much. Goodnight.