Live at The Apollo (2004) s17e01 Episode Script

Rosie Jones, Eshaan Akbar, Cally Beaton

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
your host for tonight
MUSIC: Stop The Cavalry
by Jona Lewie
Ahhhhh! Merry freaking Christmas!
I am Rosie.
I am your gay Christmas tree.
And if you don't know me,
this is what your voice
sounds like on Zoom
..when your internet is shit.
I'm telling you.
Two fricking years I had
"Rosie, there's something wrong with
And I'm like, "No!
Only the connection between
my brain and my mouth hole.
You get on board
..or you bugger off.
I am so glad you're all on board.
I am your host for the evening.
I will be here all night,
guiding you through,
so let's be honest.
It'll be a long
If you've got any
New Year plans
..for 2024
..I would cancel them now.
I love Christmas,
I do.
Apart from wrapping.
Not for me.
I average one present
an hour.
Not good. This year,
I've put all the presents
in Tupperware.
Easy peasy.
A bit confusing for my mum
because her present
was Tupperware.
My favourite part of Christmas
is the Nativity.
As a little girl,
I loved it.
And, every year,
I'd get so excited to learn
what my role was.
And three years in a row,
I got to play
..disabled innkeeper's wife.
I need to clarify
that it was the wife
who was disabled.
But even as a little girl,
I was a clever bugger.
And I read,
"disabled innkeeper's wife"
and I thought, "Well
"..they haven't specified
"what disability."
So I got a bit creative.
My favourite year
was when Mary and Joseph
knocked on the door
..and the disabled innkeeper's wife
did not answer
..because her disability
that year was deaf.
She actually had loads of room.
She just didn't hear the door go!
Four years in to
the Nativity game
..I made it.
I got the big one
and I played Mary.
Yeah, baby!
Looking back now
..I think it was my teachers
being woke.
And going
"Well, why shouldn't
"a girl with cerebral palsy
"play the mother of Jesus?"
But if we're being honest
..and if there was a God,
which - spoiler alert
..there isn't
If there was a God,
and if he had the choice
of any lady in the whole wide world
to put his Godly sperm
..into, would he really choose
a little girl in Bridlington
..with cerebral palsy?
No, he wouldn't! Because that
would be a fricking disaster!
People would be like,
"Oh, have you heard about Jesus?
"No, what?"
"His mum dropped him"
"Now he's got brain damage."
Like mother, like son!
I've had a good year.
I've had a great 2022.
I've had a lot of good things
happen to me.
I, um
Oh, I turned thirty
Oh, I became an honorary doctor.
I'm now Dr Jones.
The power!
Although, right now, I've got to
legally say
I'm not allowed to perform
any operations
..any more.
The vasectomies
..they were getting out of hand.
Another great thing that
happened to me
was I got a girlfriend.
AUDIENCE: Oooooh! Yes!
Wait, don't cheer,
she left me,
and now I'm single again.
AUDIENCE: Aw! Thank you!
But I just wanted to say
that I'm single
..on telly.
Call me.
I had a lovely time with
my girlfriend.
My favourite thing I used to do
with her
was we'd play a game.
Every morning, we'd decide
whether we wanted to listen
to our favourite band,
No judgment!
..or we would read
the Guardian - lovely -
or whether we wanted to have sex.
And we called that game,
"Rock, paper"
Oh, you are clever!
But unlike the game you know,
"scissors" always won.
This year, I've been a
little bit annoying.
And I think it comes with
the territory
of being a disabled person
on TV.
This year,
I've won a lot of awards.
A lot.
No! Don't!
I need a bigger house!
There's no room in there.
An award I won is I got voted
this year's most remarkable woman.
I mean
I'm not!
The most remarkable thing I've done
all year is,
for eight straight hours,
I had a wank.
Thank you, Killing Eve.
I recently met Jodie Comer,
and I said, "Oh, I've got
a joke about you."
And she said, "What is it?"
And I went
Another bloody award I got
is I got voted one of the country's
most powerful lesbians.
No, no, no.
What does that even mean?
I wasn't number one.
Cos that was Clare Balding.
And I wasn't number two
..or three
..or five!
Or four.
I was number
Ninety fucking six!
I don't know 96 lesbians!
Where are they?
I want to play
rock, paper, scissors!
I'm done!
Let me tell you,
you are in for a bloody cracker
of a show!
Are you ready?
Yeah, you are!
Now, please give it up
for your first act,
she's amazing!
It's Cally Beaton!
MUSIC: Fairytale Of New York
by The Pogues
Happy Christmas, Apollo!
Oh, it's lovely to hear your
spirits so up
with the cost of living crisis
as it is, isn't it?
I've decided this year we're going
to barbecue the turkey
and have Christmas dinner
in the garden.
I say the garden,
I live in North London.
My garden is about the size
of a small tea towel, so
I sometimes think I mow away
more when I shave.
It's just a joke, sir. All right?
I don't shave, so
It's a lovely time of year,
isn't it?
It's all about the children
this time of year.
Give us a cheer - the parents in!
You sound very chipper for people
who are going to have to choose
between heating your houses
and Lego this Christmas.
I'm a parent.
I am a single parent of a boy
and a girl, apart from on Tinder,
where I'm a single, fun-loving
nurse. But that's
It's nice to see you again, sir.
I, um
But, no, my kids are amazing.
I've got a boy and a girl.
My boy is the ginger one.
He's my favourite. And
He isn't. I
No, he's an amazing kid.
So when he was little,
he was diagnosed with autism.
And he always had this phenomenal
gift with maths and numbers,
but he never liked anyone
to give him a hug.
And it was a difficult thing,
you know, being his mum,
not being able to hold my own child.
But I would look at him
and I would think,
"That's my little boy filling
out my little tax return."
So, you
You power through, don't you,
Apollo? Power through.
You'll all know this.
There are so many fantastic
celebratory things
about autistic children.
And one of the most brilliant things
is they tend to have an
encyclopaedic knowledge
of the thing they most love
in all the world.
And in my son's case, it was always
anything to do with animals,
and in particular, monkeys and apes.
My son, at a very young age,
was one of the world's foremost
primate experts,
and I became one of the world's
second-foremost primate experts.
And let me get this out
there for you lovely people.
It's a lonely life
being a bonobo ape mum.
Now, some people here may know
what bonobo apes are.
They're an endangered great ape.
They're the closest living
relative of a human being.
Don't worry, sir. If you're not
laughing, you're learning.
In DNA terms a bonobo ape is just
half a percent removed from a human.
Half a percent!
I've dated people
less human than a bonobo ape.
And they've left that half percent
DNA on my sheets, but
But I think it's amazing,
isn't it, that a teenage boy
would have that knowledge
of bonobo apes.
Here's a fun fact for you, Apollo.
They eat up to half their
body weight in food
and masturbate up to 20 times a day.
I know!
Bonobos wank a lot, too.
But I'm so proud of my boy.
He's now making a living
out of his passion.
He is now a primate-specialising
zookeeper at a big zoo
down in the West Country.
So Thank you.
I couldn't be more happy for him.
We speak every single day
and he tells me about all the weird
and wonderful creatures he's met.
Not just the people of Devon. And
We spoke yesterday - because zoos
have to be open during Christmas.
We spoke yesterday and he said
to me, "Mum, Mum, you'll never guess
"what I did today."
And I said, "What did you do today?"
And he said,
"Today, I castrated a lemur."
So I know!
And I said,
"Well, you've always been clumsy."
But I remember for his second
Christmas I didn't want to do
all the gender stereotyping things.
So for his second Christmas
I bought him a little iron
and an ironing board.
I thought that would be so sweet.
Turned out he'd never seen me
use an iron.
So, he just started walking
around saying,
"I can't talk right now,
could you send me an email?"
I think things have got
a little bit better now.
But when I was a little girl,
we were told it's not OK
to be angry. Not ladylike.
Little girls must not get angry.
And little boys were told,
it's not OK to cry.
You mustn't get upset.
So little boys would always take
their emotions out in aggression.
And as adults, we as women,
we get told we're a little bit
naggy, aren't we, sometimes?
We're a bit passive aggressive.
That's cos you took aggressive.
You left us passive aggressive.
But we're fine with that.
Luckily, we're absolutely
fine with that.
Nothing's wrong.
Why would anything be wrong?
I could keep this going till
next Christmas, but we've got
a show to do.
But I think it would be lovely,
don't you, if men
would cry a bit more?
Not just every four years
at the Euros.
Do you know what,
it's nearly 2023.
When are we going to start
celebrating women and our bodies?
It does not matter what age,
size, body type we've got.
Am I right, Apollo?
I, erm
You guys are all right with
the F-word, yeah?
Feminism. So
I love this whole body positive
movement there is.
I think it's brilliant.
And my daughter bought me a T-shirt
and it just sums it up, I think.
On it, it just said the words,
"My weight is not the most
interesting thing about me."
And I think, isn't that a beautiful,
simple thing to have upliftingly
on a T-shirt? Isn't it?
I was going to wear that T-shirt
to do this, actually,
but it makes me look fat. So
My daughter and I,
we're really close.
I took her out for some festive
cocktails last week and we went
to one of those lovely fancy
sky bars down on the South Bank
of the Thames.
And as we were queuing to get in,
they were doing very, very thorough
bag checks on the door.
My daughter's face just fell
and she said,
"Mum, Mum, they won't suspect you.
"Can you put my weed
in your pocket?"
I was like, something's gone wrong
here, hasn't it?
"Can you put my weed
in your pocket, PLEASE?"
And where was I going to put
my cocaine?
But we got in.
We had the most wonderful night
and we kept getting free cocktails.
There was a very, very
good-looking young waiter,
wouldn't let us pay for
a single thing.
At the end of the night,
that waiter came over,
he bent down, he said to
my daughter, he said,
"If you weren't here,
I'd take your mum home with me."
I couldn't believe how long it took
to get an Uber for my daughter.
It was
So I found this thing online
that can best be described
as a menopause magnet, right?
I don't mean George Clooney.
This is literally a magnetic
device to help a woman
through the menopause.
This thing arrived in the post.
It said it would help me with my
mood swings and my hot flashes.
And what you do is I know this
sounds weird, sir, right.
But what you do is you put a magnet
on the front of your knickers,
you put a metal disc on
the inside of your knickers.
It keeps the magnet securely
and discreetly in place.
And that bit works so beautifully.
But what they don't tell you on the
menopause magnet packaging
is when it is tucked neatly and very
discreetly in your pants, distinct
possibility you will find
yourself metallically attached the self-checkout in Waitrose.
The unexpected item
in the bagging area.
I just rang it through as
a butternut squash and I pissed off.
I felt so stupid. The week before,
I'd spent a whole ten minutes
attached to my tumble dryer.
I mean, it was a very nice
ten minutes if I'm
It took me so long to decorate
the tree this year.
All the baubles kept getting
stuck in my pubic triangle.
I've still got at least one
novelty Santa down there.
But no,
they're really powerful magnets.
Honestly, sir, if you've got
any metal fillings,
I'd shimmy back a bit
and shut your mouth.
A pandemic was no place
for a menopausal woman, right?
Do you remember when they were
taking your temperatures everywhere
before you could get in?
We were only ever one hot flush away
from getting fully cancelled.
It was
I remember the last time it happened
so clearly.
I was out with a friend,
we were trying to just get a pizza
and they were taking temperatures
on the door and the guy took mine
and he looked at me.
He said, "There's a problem."
And I said, "What do you mean
there's a problem?"
He said, "I'm really sorry,
there is a problem."
And I said,
"Am I a little bit overheated?
"That's funny, cos
I'm a 50-year-old woman,
"I've just spent an hour
and a quarter on the Northern Line
"wearing a mask, and I raised two
children single-handedly,
"I gave birth to them with no
pain relief while their dad
"complained his back was hurting,
"I haven't had a good night's sleep
in about two years because of my
"anxiety, my irrational crying
and my vaginal dryness.
"I don't know what my body's doing.
It should send the tears down there.
"That's where I really need them.
"And I am attached to your fire
extinguisher by my pants!"
Turned out the problem was
with the card machine.
You had to pay on the app.
So let me find out,
you lovely Christmas Apollo people,
who are the other single people
in apart from me?
Single people, make some noise.
Oh, a few people there.
So, I mean, I'm going to be the
ghost of Christmas dating future.
I'm going to make you beautiful
women feel so much better
about being single.
By the way, do you ever do
the drink dialling thing?
Do you ever do that?
You're saying no, your mate's going,
"She bloody does."
Yes, I did it last week, right.
I sent a text to my ex just to see
if he wanted to go for a drink.
That's all it was.
And autocorrect jumped in
and changed it to,
"You've got a tiny dick
and you've ruined my life."
It's weird, isn't it, technology?
By the way, I did,
for the first time in my life,
I recently dated a
fellow ginger and I felt
like I was doing something illegal.
I did! Especially because he did
look a lot like my brother.
So I mean, not once I started
sleeping with him, obviously,
he didn't remind me of my brother
He does it differently. So
Because it's Christmas-time,
instead of ending with a joke,
I'm going to leave you, if I may,
with a really uplifting quote.
Somebody told me this the other day.
I'd never heard it before.
I think it's beautiful.
It goes like this:
The greatest danger for most of us
is not that our aim is too high
and we miss it, but that it is
too low and we reach it.
That's Michelangelo.
And I think,
isn't it amazing, that wisdom
from a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?
You've been absolutely delightful,
Apollo. Happy Christmas!
And goodnight!
Cally Beaton!
Are you ready
for a little bit more comedy?
Yeah, you bloody are!
So whoop and cheer for
the amazing Eshaan Akbar!
MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everybody
by Slade
# So here it is, Merry Christmas
# Everybody's having fun
Look to the future now ♪
Yes! Merry Christmas, Apollo!
Lovely to be here.
I'm not Romesh.
It is lovely to be here.
But here's the thing,
Christmas as well
I love Christmas.
Give me a cheer
if you love Christmas.
Thank you.
I love Christmas, too, but I get it,
some of you are you looking at me,
you're thinking,
"Hold on a minute, Eshaan.
"You love Christmas?
"You look a bit tooMuslim
for that, mate."
It's true.
I am from a Muslim background, but
we love Christmas in our household.
Because we're Muslim, though,
we do things a bit differently.
For a start,
we don't call it Christmas,
we call it Jesus Eid.
Instead of having
kind of pigs in blankets,
we have lamb in shawls.
We used to play pass the parcel.
But then my uncle
got taken away by MI5, so we
..stopped that immediately.
But my family, actually, my family
background, we're from two countries
that actually celebrate
Christmas a lot.
Combined, there's four million
Christians in those countries.
My dad's from Pakistan and my mum
is from Bangladesh,
which means I can make a fantastic
pair of jeans.
What else can I tell you to add to
this kind of colourful concoction?
Guys, I also happen to be
a deaf person.
No disability ever gets a woooo!
Because I wear a hearing aid, what
tends to happen is I go for a job
interview sometimes and I can see an
HR manager sitting in a corner
going, tick, tick, tick.
"Please be gay. Please be gay.
Please be gay."
And they're not the only ones that
do weird things
when they find out I'm deaf.
Often people will come up to me,
they'll be like,
"Oh, my God, Eshaan,
it's so interesting that
"you wear a hearing aid
because I think I'm actually
"a bit deaf, too."
What do I do with this information?
And you can't do this with any other
disability, can you?
Like, you can't go up to someone
in a wheelchair
Say, "Mate, when I drink
too much"
" legs feel a bit wobbly
as well."
It's just a weird thing to say.
But here's the thing.
I think, as a society, we need to
get a bit more honest about the
flaws in our thinking, right?
Over the last few years, I feel like
too many of us have tried to
present ourselves as having
perfect thoughts.
And I can be honest enough with you,
Apollo, to admit to you tonight
that when I see someone
with a more visible disability
than I've got, I get jealous
at how much clout they've got
in the disability game,
cos no-one respects deafness
as a disability, do they?
Don't applaud him!
That was ableist
and unnecessarily so.
I get jealous of them because no-one
respects deafness as a disability,
do they?
I can't legitimately enter
the Paralympics, can I?
There's blind football,
wheelchair basketball.
A deaf race would be a line
of men just waiting to start.
The thing is, it's not all bad.
Cos look, life is hard
and life is complicated.
And when life throws lemons
your way, you've got to try and find
a way to make lemonade.
I wasn't born deaf.
I turned deaf in my mid 20s, right.
So the silver lining that I found
of my deafness is this -
I get a Disabled Persons Railcard.
AUDIENCE: Ooooooh!
Gets me a third off rail travel.
Absolutely amazing.
And when I got it, again, be honest
about the flaws in your thinking.
You were like, "Eshaan, you've
got a Disabled Persons Railcard,
"you don't like walking so much.
"Bro, go and get a blue badge."
So I walked into the local
council office - a bit too ably.
The guy looked at me behind
the counter and he goes,
"Ah, yes, come over."
I'm like, "Wow, this guy knows
exactly why I'm here," right?
And he beckons me over.
He sits me down
and then he pulls out a form.
And on the form you have to tick
the reason why you're giving someone
a blue badge, right?
He ticks off,
"Weight-related mobility issues".
The thing is, in the UK, like,
I grew up loving trains, right?
But there's one thing about
the trains other than the fact
that I want them to run on time,
that I really need them to change.
And it's this announcement
that goes, "See it, say it, sorted."
Have you heard this?
For those that haven't,
"See it, say it, sorted,"
is an announcement on trains
which basically means if you see
something suspicious, call
the British Transport Police.
But we all know what they really
mean by suspicious.
If you see a brown bloke
with a rucksack
..give us a fucking call.
Now, I've never liked
"see it, say it, sorted"
because, for a start, it just raises
fear and suspicion constantly.
Second, it doesn't get to the heart
of the issue of what they really
want us to do, which is
racial profiling.
And third, and most importantly,
see it, say it, sorted
doesn't bloody rhyme.
Now this upset me.
I said, "Right, I've got to come up
"with some alternative options
to reflect the reality of
"the situation and make it a bit
more linguistically appealing."
So I've come up with two options to
replace "see it, say it, sorted".
By way of cheer, you can tell me
which one you prefer, OK?
So option number one to replace
"see it, say it, sorted".
Seen a Muso?
If so, let us know.
Average? OK.
Option number two.
Don't be wacky, report a
You little racist pieces of
I'm in my late 30s at the
moment and a lot of my friends
are already kind of parents
of toddlers.
Do we have any parents of toddlers
in at the moment? Give me a cheer.
Yeah, you are the worst human beings
on the planet.
I hate each and every
single one of you, right?
Cos parents of toddlers nowadays,
my God, they feel the need to show
that they love their child
when they're in public.
Like, get on a train,
you'll 100% see this.
They'll be like,
"Oscar, we're on a train.
"Did you bring your bag
with you today, darling?
"I know, there are lots of people
on the train, aren't there?
"What's that, you want to press the
button even though they're waiting?
"Don't worry about them.
"Maybe I'll read you a story first,
"I love you, Oscar.
"I love you, Oscar.
"I really love you, Oscar."
Fuck off!
I understand and assume
that you love your child.
I don't need to see this
performance parenting.
Now, I don't have any children.
I've got a little nephew.
When I get my nephew along, I think
to myself, I don't want to miss out
on the opportunity to be a
complete dick in public.
So I get my nephew,
I sit him down, I say,
"We are on a train.
"Did you bring your rucksack
with you today?
"I know, there are lots of people
on the train.
"What's that, you want to
press the button, do you?"
All the parents shut the hell up.
And there's a woman in the corner
going, "See it, say it, sorted."
And I know some of you are sitting
there thinking, "Hold on, Eshaan,
"it's a Christmas show. You can't
start talking about terrorism."
It is funny, though.
One of my favourite things about
Christmas, right,
are the Christmas adverts.
I absolutely love them.
When I know they're about to come
on, I go to the living room
with a pack of tissues to cry.
Pack of tissues,
enjoy the Christmas adverts.
But a couple of years ago,
right, Sainsbury's did an ad
that caused a major issue.
They showed a black family
enjoying Christmas.
The horror!
They showed this beautiful, strong
black dad making a lovely Christmas
dinner for his beautiful family.
And he's stirring some gravy.
Gravy, fuck off. Jerk sauce.
We know what's happening here.
And all these people are like,
"Right, Sainsbury's, it is political
correctness gone too far, mate.
"This is some woke bollocks.
I've had enough of this bullshit.
"I'm going Tesco, I'm going
Morrisons. Piss off, Sainsbury's!"
And all these lovely
liberal people on Twitter,
they were like, "Oh, you dirty,
disgusting gammons.
"I can't wait to shop at Sainsbury's
this year.
"In fact, I think I might
have a Caribbean Christmas.
"There'll be steel drums,
and everything." Ooh!
And they were conducting themselves
with this air of superiority,
like somehow they're better than
the people boycotting Sainsbury's.
I'm like, hold on a minute, hold
on. You're not better than them.
We all do it. We all boycott stuff
we don't see ourselves in.
Every single person in this room at
one point or another has boycotted
something they don't see
themselves in.
It's the same reason
I've boycotted porn.
There are no Asians
in mainstream porn.
Why? There's billions of us.
We're shagging.
And by the way, when I say Asian,
I mean curry Asian, not noodle.
And you hate yourself
for getting it, don't you?
I was thinking to myself,
why are there no Asians
in mainstream porn?
It really, really made me sad.
And I thought about it
and I thought about it.
And I realised,
it's because Asian porn,
the storylines would be so shit.
Imagine a classic patient-doctor
porn scene.
Patient comes in, she's like,
"I've got such a headache, big boy.
"How are you going to get
this one out of me?"
And he's like,
INDIAN ACCENT: "Well, you take two
paracetamol four times a day,
you'll be fine."
And she's like,
AMERICAN ACCENT: "Oh, my God, my
hand is stuck in the photocopier.
"How are you going to get me
out of this one, big boy?"
And he's like,
INDIAN ACCENT: "Er, turn it off
and then on again. I don't"
Or she gets in the back of a taxi
Gets in the back of a taxi, notices
the cab driver, and she's like,
"You're such a hot, sexy
cab driver. Mm.
"You want to park the car somewhere,
"come to the back and do naughty,
naughty things to me, big boy?"
And he's like,
give me five stars?"
Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Eshaan Akbar.
Merry Christmas.
I'll see you soon!
Eshaan Akbar.
Have you all had a lovely time?
Please, give it up one more time
for Cally Beaton
..and Eshaan Akbar!
I've been Rosie.
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