Live at The Apollo (2004) s17e03 Episode Script

Kae Kurd, Laura Smyth, Liam Farrelly

Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome your host for tonight,
Kae Kurd!
Live At The Apollo!
How are we doing, are you well?
This is nice.
Half of you look like you're here
for a good time.
The other half, yeah,
the other half look like you're here
because you didn't want to pay
the electricity bill tonight, innit?
It's nice seeing people out, man.
We've had a weird few years, innit?
There's been a lot going on.
The pandemic, you know,
monkey pox, World War III.
Right? No, World War III
scared me, you know?
I was terrified when that Russian
bloke came on TV, right?
When he came on TV, and he was like,
"World War III has begun."
Right? I lost it, right.
I was so scared, right?
Because I looked around at the men
of my generation, right?
And I was like,
"Could we fight a war?"
Could the men of this generation
fight a war, right?
And I came to the conclusion,
"No, we are done for,
we're finished, right?"
Not me - I'm a bad man.
But some of you,
do you know what I mean, right?
No, we can't fight a war, bruv,
are you mad?
They will take half of us
out with gluten!
Do you know what I mean?
Be real, man! They don't
even need to drop bombs.
They'll just drop blue top
milk over the front lines!
Just see all of us just
shitting everywhere, crying,
like, "Where's the gender neutral
"Shut up! It's a war, bruv!"
It's good to see you lot, man.
The whole thing was scary, man.
Do you know the scariest part
of that thing?
When the Mayor of London
came on TV, right?
And he was like, "London is well
placed in case of a nuclear attack."
I was like, "Are you
out of your goddamn mind?"
"There's leaves on the track,
and we're done for!"
"Forget a nuclear winter.
We can't survive autumn, bruv!"
It's nice seeing you guys out, man.
We've had a weird few years, man.
Monkey pox is on the horizon, right?
There's going to be no anti-vaxxers
when it comes to that one, is there?
As soon as you see a massive pimple
that big on your face,
you're like, "Yeah, inject it, bruv.
Do what you want."
The thing with Covid,
we had everything, innit?
Like people were talking
about a vaccine.
Like, people on both sides,
I didn't understand.
Like, I don't care if you're
vaccinated, just have a good reason.
Because I didn't hear both
sides of it, you know?
You had pro-vaxxers
and you had anti-vaxxers.
Are there any anti-vaxxers in?
You're louder on Facebook, innit?
Those anti-vaxxers are louder
on Facebook, innit?
"Bill Gates is taking your soul!
"You're all sheeple."
Shut up, man!
I don't get the pro-vaxxers either.
You know, they're like,
"There's absolutely no reason
not to get vaccinated.
"There's absolutely no reason!"
Like, of course there is!
There's reasons for some of the most
horrendous things in the world,
like listening R Kelly's music.
Do you know what I mean, like?
What, you're going to tell me
there's no reason to listen
to R Kelly's music?
Are you mad, right?
What, you want me to never
watch Space Jam again?
Are you out of your mind, bruv?
Listen, there's reasons
to listen to R Kelly's music.
As much as you want to deny it,
there's reasons, right?
Say you're in a Squid Games
type scenario, right?
And the challenge is to play
a song that a diverse audience
is going to sing along to, yeah?
I don't know about you lot, yeah,
but I'm picking Ignition, innit?
It's the remix to Ignition! ♪
# Hot and fresh out the kitchen
# Mama rollin' that body
got every man in here wishin'
# Sippin' on Coke and rum
# I'm like, "So what? I'm drunk"
# It's the freakin' weekend, baby
I'm about to have me some fun! ♪
And just like that,
you're paedophile sympathisers.
Right? There you go.
I didn't even need to sing anything!
All I said was one or two words,
and you're
Don't go home and say that I told
you to listen to R Kelly,
by the way. He's a piece of shit.
Don't listen to him, right?
I don't care
whether you're vaccinated or not,
if I'm being honest, right. As long
as you have a good reason, right?
As long as you've got a good reason,
I don't mind what you want you do
with your life. I mean, it's your
life, do what you want, right?
And I'll tell you what I mean,
I've got a lot of friends around
that are like anti-vaxxers
and stuff as well.
Like, I was talking to a couple
of my mates about it, right,
when it was all going on.
And I was like,
"Bro, are you going to get
vaccinated?" He was like,
"No, no, no, no, no."
I was like, "Why not?"
He's like, "No, no, no, no, no."
"Come on. That's not a reason, man.
"Just talk to me, man. Let me know."
He's like, "No, you're going
to turn it into a joke."
And to be honest with you
Wonderful foresight
on his behalf, right?
I was going to turn it into a joke,
but I needed to know why, right?
I was like, "Come on, bro, man,
just tell me, right?
"Like, what's the reason? Why aren't
you going to get vaccinated?"
He's like, "Look, bro,
it's between me and God, right?"
At this point,
I had to investigate, yeah?
It's not just between him and God.
I'm involved, right?
Whole world's involved.
It's a pandemic, right?
And he was like, "Look, bro,
it's between me and God."
I said, "What do you mean
it's between you and God, bro?"
He's like, "Look, if God
wants me to get the vaccine,
"he will send me a sign."
I was like, "Bro, he sent you
four texts from the NHS!"
How many more signs do you need?
You're going to be dead in heaven,
like, "Where was my sign?"
"I sent you scientists!"
There'll be a picture of Chris
Whitty in front of him every day,
"You all right?"
I've got mates, these crystal
shaggers, do you know what I mean?
They don't want to get vaccinated.
They're like,
"No, man, it's not natural.
"It's not natural, right?"
And they walk around with
these crystals and I'm like,
"What's that for?"
They're like, "It protects me
from bad vibes, right?
"Protects me from negative energy."
Like, "Why did you
get robbed, then?"
"Don't worry about that, bruv,
it protects me from"
He's into a lot of herbal
medicines and stuff.
Like, not just weed,
but like lots of
He was like, "It's not natural.
I don't want to get the vaccine.
"It's not natural, bruv."
I was like,
"If that's your reasoning, right,
then I don't want to see
"you use anything that's not
"Like, don't use central heating.
"It's not natural, bruv.
"I want to see you go out and
get firewood every day, right?
"And don't even start using a match.
I want to see you Bear Grylls
"that stuff, right?"
It is nice seeing everybody
out again, man.
This is good for
our mental health, innit?
It's wonderful for mental health,
I think we've all gone
through mental health issues
over the past few years and we're
all acting like we're normal, innit?
"I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
"I'm fine. I'm fine.
I'm fine. I'm fine."
"You're not wearing shoes, Alex!"
I was going through my own
mental health issues, right?
And I know it's become really
popular for men to talk
about their mental health issues.
Everywhere you look on TV
and stuff, everyone's like,
"Guys, if you're feeling low
"You just open out,
just talk to someone.
"Like just open out. Just talk
to someone. Just open up.
"Let them know how you feel."
And you start opening up
and talking,
you realise people don't
really care. No-one gives a damn.
No, genuinely, no-one cares, right?
Because we tell people to open up,
but we don't equip people
with how to, like, help
people when they open up, right?
That's why you have health
care professionals.
They know what they're doing, right?
Cos you just start opening up
to your own friends, bruv,
they just stop inviting you out,
"Stop inviting him,
he's always moody, bruv!
"I thought he was a comedian!
"He's always bringing
the mood down, bro, right?
"Talking about killing himself.
Do it, then!"
"Stop talking to him like that!"
"No, he needs to learn, bro!"
"Go on, then, do it!
You won't even do it.
"You're scared, you little pussy.
Come on, man."
It's true, though. Like, you can't
open up to your male friends, man.
Your male friends do not
know what to do, right?
They malfunction, right?
You start opening up to
your male friends like,
"Bro, I'm having dark thoughts, man.
I'm going through it.
"I feel really depressed.
I don't know what to do."
And they look at you and go,
"It is what it is, innit, right?
"Just go to be positive
and that, bruv."
Your female friends
aren't much better.
They'll just look at you and go,
"Have you tried having a bath?"
You know we don't take baths
unless we're going to take
a toaster in there with us!
You know what I mean, right?
I didn't know I was having
a bath incorrectly, right?
Until I told
my female friends, right?
Because I was sat there with the
big light on just looking at a tap
going "drip, drip, drip".
And they're like,
"No, you psychopath!
"You need a glass of wine,
you need a bath bomb.
"You need a book."
Why do I need all this equipment
for a bath, bruv? Right?
One of my friends,
though, he was like,
"Kae, you need to
start meditating, right?
"I can see it in your eyes, man.
There's a lot going on.
"Like, you need to meditate, right?
"There's just loads going on
in your head, right?
"And meditation is the best way."
Like, he went on one mushroom trip
in Australia.
Ever since then he's come back like
one of these mental health gurus.
Like, "Honestly, man.
Honestly, it's amazing.
"You go to another realm.
It's incredible, right?
"You start seeing different
colours and stuff, right?
"It opens up your third eye.
That's what you need, right?"
And I was like "I don't want
to start meditating."
Like, "What's this nonsense, right?
I don't want to do that."
And he was like, "Look, honestly,
right? Download this app.
"It's £30 a month."
"And it teaches you
to do nothing, right?"
At which point, guys, I was like,
"I could do nothing for free!
"I don't need an app, right?"
And he was like, "Nah."
I was like, "Do you know what?
"I'm going to do what any
millennial would do, right?"
And I found a YouTube video
about meditation.
No, that's true, man.
I went on YouTube, typed in
"guided meditation". Enter. Right?
This video came up, I pressed
play and I closed my eyes, right?
And I was just there like,
"OK, cool." The music came on.
It was like, "ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding".
And it was all relaxing
and stuff, right?
And I was like, "Right!" I could
hear, like, ocean waves and stuff.
I was like, "Oh, this is relaxing!"
And then this woman's voice came on.
It was like, "Hi, I'm Tamara."
I was like, "You all right, Tamara?
Yeah? What are you saying?"
She was like, "Get yourself
in a comfortable position."
"Relax your belly, soften your jaw."
"Why, what are you putting in there,
you dirty girl, eh?!"
"And just slowly breathe in."
"And breathe o-o-o-out.
"And breath i-i-i-in.
"And breathe o-o-o-out.
And breathe in"
And then a YouTube advert came on.
It was HMRC. It was like,
"Have you done your tax return?"
"Do it by the 31st of January!"
Meditation is stressful,
bruv, right?
I was trying to get out
during the pandemic, man.
To try and help my mental health,
man. I was trying dating.
Anybody date during the pandemic?
Oh, it was awful, innit?
Do you know how many
walks I went on?
any time I asked a girl out,
I felt like I was in an episode
of Bridgerton, right?
"Would you like to go
for a promenade in Clapham?
"I'll meet you at dusk."
If you found an empty bench,
it was like finding
the VIP section of a club, innit?
It was like, "Welcome to Club
In Memory Of Arthur."
I've gone on a whole load
of dating apps, man.
I went on all of them.
I was on Bumble, Hinge,
Tinder, Friends Reunited.
No, seriously, I was looking
at reviews of places
and if I found someone
good looking, I was like,
"Yo, do you want to go back
there with me, right?"
I was on Bumble, right?
Who's been on Bumble?
It's awful, right?
Women have to make the first
move on there, yeah?
And that's exactly
why it's terrible, right?
No, because women,
you have no game. None.
None whatsoever, right.
Men had to develop a genre of
comedy called chat up lines, right,
just to talk to you, right?
You guys have no game.
Because any time you go on these
dating apps and stuff as well,
women always put things like,
"Don't just come at me with,
" 'Hi, hello. Hi. How are you?'
Come with something interesting.
"Stimulate my mind." Right?
So I thought, "Bloody hell, right.
I'm going to be schooled
"in the art of courtship tonight,
So I was on Bumble. I was liking,
I matched with a girl, right?
And I was like, "Oh, my God,
what's she going to say?"
Cos I saw her typing
and she was like, "Hey."
I was like, "Piss off!
"Stimulate my mind or something,
innit, right?
"Compliment my eyebrows,
I'm not that easy.
"Work for this dick, innit?"
I got on Hinge.
That weren't much better.
Oh, my God. Hinge is awful, right?
They ask you so many questions
before you sign up.
Like your name, your date of birth.
Are you vaccinated?
How many siblings do you have?
Where did you go to school?
What do you do for work?
I was like, "Why am I filling
out a census for pussy?
"Just show me the girls, bruv!"
And it doesn't just show you
the girls, right?
It shows you their interests.
"I'm into cocktails
and Harry Potter."
Sleep with Ron Weasley then, innit!
What am I going to do
with this information, right?
But finally, I was just
liking whatever. I was liking,
I was liking, liking, liking.
That's how guys use dating apps.
Like, like, like.
Liking away and whatnot, right?
And I started getting loads of DMs
suddenly on my social media, right?
Loads of people were DMing
me and they were all DMing me
with the same thing. It was
a screenshot of the Hinge profile,
right? And I was like,
"What the hell?"
And I saw someone's message.
"Hey, mate, I just thought
you should know,
"somebody's pretending
to be you on Hinge."
At this point,
I couldn't admit it was me.
I was just like, "Oh, my God.
Swear down!
"Do me a favour, bro. Would you mind
reporting that for me, yeah?"
I had to, man. I had to.
I had a bit of fun while
I was on those dating apps.
Have you've been on a dating app?
Yeah. Yeah?
What age range did you put in?
Like 20.
20, to what? I put like up to 27.
So up to 27? That's good.
Yeah, about seven years.
You're a better person than I am.
No, cos I put 24 to 55. Right?
No, it was lockdown, man.
I was like,
"Anyone can get it, innit, right?"
Like, somebody is going to
end up here!
It was fun, though,
because I learned a lot of things
about women, right?
I learned the way older women
dirty talk with you
is very different to the way
younger women dirty talk to you,
Because I matched with
a 52-year-old, right?
No, that weren't the funny part,
Why are you laughing over there,
man? Older women need love too, OK?
Look, I matched
with a 52-year-old, right?
Everything was going great.
We're talking and whatnot,
like conversation's flowing.
It's wonderful.
I'm like, "Do you have WhatsApp?"
She's like, "What's that?"
Once I taught her how to download
it, we got talking even more, right?
And then she was like,
"Oh, yeah, by the way,
"if you play your cards right,
me and you can get really naughty."
I was like, "Yeah?"
"What are you going to do,
I'm all ears.
Let me know, innit? Right?
And she said something like,
"I'm going to lick
all over your body."
And I was like, "Oh, bless."
No, because that must have been
all the rage in the '80s.
But things have moved on innit,
But here's the thing.
I didn't realise how much
things had moved on, right,
until I started talking
to a 24-year-old, right?
Because I started talking
to this 24-year-old, right?
And I was giving it
the big'un and stuff, right?
And she was like, "Oh, I am filthy."
I was like, "Yeah? How filthy?"
She's like,
"You don't want to know."
I was like, "Are you mad?"
Of course I want to know, right?
She's like, "Are you sure?"
I was like, "Look, do you know
what they used to call me?
"50 Shades Of Kae, yeah?"
"I am I am up for anything.
Anything. Just throw it at me.
"I'm up for anything."
She's like, "Are you sure?"
I was like, "Yes, try me."
She's like, "All right,
well, I want to blindfold you."
I was like, "And?"
She's like, "I want to tie you up."
I was like, "So?"
She's like,
"Well, I want to bend you over
and I want to start pegging you."
I was like, "Do you know what?
"I'm all right with Margaret,
you know."
I had to come up with an excuse.
I had to come up with an excuse.
I was like, "Do you know what it is?
I'm an environmentalist.
"So I don't believe in
single-use plastics.
"So this has to end here."
Right, Live At The Apollo,
are you ready for your first act?
This lady is absolutely wonderful.
I've worked with so many times
and I love her.
And you guys are going to
absolutely love her, too.
She's the East End's finest.
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Laura Smyth!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you, Apollo!
This is nice, innit?
Oi-oi, very nice venue.
Cos I've been playing festivals.
Nah, come on.
No-one enjoys a festival, man.
You've got to camp.
You heard of this? Camping?
Oh, mate.
It's not life, but harder.
Everything's harder.
And I've got
a 19-year-old daughter,
so she's going to the festivals.
All the little titty tops
and all that.
I can't handle it. I don't know
what to do about her clothes.
Like, literally don't know
what drawer to put them in.
I put something in an underwear
drawer the other day.
A pair of jeans, it was.
And they make them different,
these girls now.
Make them different,
I'm telling you.
She is so self-assured.
One day she is going to
rule the world.
But right now, I'd just
like her to shut the fuck up!
Adults are talking,
do you know what I mean?
I do everything.
Pay for everything.
She moans about the ripeness
of the avocados I buy.
It's turning me a bit Tory,
if I'm honest.
Joking. Of course I'm not.
Of course not. And then she
booked her first trip to Ibiza
this summer with her mates.
Listen, I'm a woman of the world.
I had to sit her down.
I had to have the chat, didn't I?
I said, "You listen to Mummy.
You listen to me, right?
"You listen to Mummy, right?
"Now, what do you do
if someone offers you a pill?"
She says "I'll take half,
see how I get on."
I said, "Good girl!"
I said, "Good girl,
wear what you like.
"Have a blast, have fun."
And she shops.
My God, does she shop!
All that Pretty Little
Muggy, all that stuff.
She loves it. I love it, though,
I love it.
I can't say nothing. I love it. I love it.
It got to a point in lockdown,
Amazon parcels would come,
I'd just boot them
straight in the recycling.
Do you know what I mean? Cut out
the middleman. I've had my buzz.
Love it. Love it. Love it. Love it.
I'm the sort of person
who will spend their wages
like their winnings.
You know what I mean?
Get all excited.
I just get so excited.
First half of the month,
I'm getting my nails done.
Champagne brunches.
Buying a second-hand Jet Ski
I found online.
But I forget. I forget about
the second half of the month.
We all do, don't we?
And it's bleak, innit?
Innit bleak?
Just indoors, watching telly,
eating beans.
On a Jet Ski. It's
Embarrass myself, I do. I do.
I love it. I love shopping.
I love it.
People save money.
Not me. I love shopping.
It's the pop-up ads.
They know me!
They know me.
I don't even resent it.
"Oversized smocked midi dress
with pockets?
"Yes, please.
I'll have another one of them.
"Thank you, algorithms.
Love it! Thank you."
Cos they're all watching us,
they're all watching
what we're doing,
listening to what we're doing.
People don't like it.
I don't mind it.
I use it to my advantage. I'm like,
I need a shed at the minute.
I'm like, "Six by four,
pre-treated timber."
Works every time.
But people get paranoid.
And we're right to get paranoid.
Like my mum. Paranoid.
My mum is paranoid.
She won't have a smartphone
or computer in her house.
Nothing. She's like,
"They're watching you, Laura."
I said, "It don't matter,
does it, Mum?
"It don't matter if you
ain't got anything to hide."
Do you know what my 73-year-old
mother said to that?
"I have." I thought
.."Slow down, Top Girl.
Say nothing, say nothing."
Nutter! She's right.
Of course she's right.
You had to do what you had to do
to get through lockdown.
That's what I say.
Do you know what I mean?
People were stockpiling.
I've got three kids.
There's no such no such thing
as stockpiling with three kids,
let me tell you that.
Every other day I was going out
for more Jack Daniels.
I don't know.
It's got to be done, though.
Do you know what it is?
Now we've all got all our freedoms,
I'm worried about myself
because I feel like nothing's
actually as fun as you think
it's going to be. Maybe it's me.
There's a lot of stuff I don't get,
like Brighton and tapas.
Maybe it is me
..but I feel like other people
are pretending to have fun.
Do you know what I mean?
Spa days. Do you like a spa day?
I don't think you do.
Brunches? Girls, how have we
signed up to 50-quid brunches?
How does that become a thing?
A standard?
When did that happen?
Not even birthdays!
It's mad. I'd rather get
drunk on my own scrambled eggs,
do you know what I mean?
You bothered about a holiday?
I'm not.
Again, I think you like
the idea of a holiday.
Do you know what I mean?
I like looking for them,
booking them.
Actually doing them? Hard work,
I think. It's true, though, innit?
Do you know what? I think I would
genuinely rather be hospitalised.
Oh! Oh, can you imagine?
Food, drink, drugs,
brought straight to your bed!
Oh! That costs hundreds
in Ibiza, hundreds!
I'd start clapping for the NHS
again, I would. I would. I love it.
Do you know another thing
I'm going to say as well?
I think a lot of the stuff we do
is just to put it on social media.
True or not true?
How many of you, give us a cheer
if you've uploaded a selfie?
Hashtag Apollo.
Hashtag comedy tonight.
Tell the truth!
Course you have.
And then you're probably sitting
here trying to get reception
so you can see what everyone
else is doing on Instagram.
That's what you're doing, in't ya?
And this is what we're doing.
We're just looking at each
other's posts all the livelong day.
That's all we're doing.
Looking at each other's posts
and liking each other's posts liars.
And I'll tell you why you're liars.
Because there's only one real
response to anything
anyone posts online, in't there?
It's just a slow, outward breath,
as you mutter,
"Oh, fuck off."
It don't matter what it is.
"Oh, I said yes!"
"Welcome to the world!"
"RIP, Nan."
So you like it to cover your
horrible, horrible tracks.
And then people do that thing
on Facebook, don't they?
Facebook's the worst.
People ask for recommendations
on Facebook and they are liars
as well, because anyone
asking for a recommendation
is just showing off.
"Hi. Hi, guys.
"Just looking for restaurant
recommendations for Bali.
"Preferably child friendly. Murgh!"
Just tell us you're going Bali
with your family!
Here's a recommendation,
Google it!
So I used to be a teacher.
I did.
And I've recently quit. Quite
recently quit, I have, actually.
Because you're not seen
as a real person.
Thanks! Two people
Ex-students. Yay! You're not seen
as a real person.
And you'll remember
this when you were in school,
you didn't really see your teachers
as real people.
And I know this is true
because I bumped into one
of my students on the high street
once and she just looked at me
and she went, "Hello, Miss.
"Hello, Miss.
"I didn't know you had a coat!"
I just live in the classroom!
They are sweet, though, bless them.
So, yeah, it is,
it's very recently I've have,
I'm full time comedy,
quit the day job.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
And I'm going to miss it.
I'm telling you now.
I'm going to miss it.
You know what I'm going to miss?
Slagging colleagues off
to other colleagues.
Oh! My whole working life
I lived by,
"If you ain't got anything nice to
say, meet you at lunchtime, babes."
It's so good, innit? It gets
you through the working week.
I love it. I love it.
But you can't go balls deep
on a bitch, can ya?
You can't go straight in there.
You've got to do what I call
bitchy feelers.
Someone's getting on your nerves
at work,
you've just got to find
someone to talk to about it.
So someone's getting on your nerves
and you find someone to talk to
and you go, "You know, Cheryl?"
"I mean, I love her.
I do, I love her.
"Oh, bless her. I love her.
Bless her. I love her, I do.
"I love her. I mean,
I love her. I love her.
So you've shown you're a nice guy.
The next stage of a bitchy feeler
is you say a neutral statement
that can be interpreted both ways.
You know it. Because if who
you're talking to at work,
and let's face it,
she is called Janet
If Janet ain't on it,
you can retreat. Know what I mean?
You'll be like, "You know, Cheryl?
I love her. I mean, I do love her.
"Bless her. I love her.
I do love her. But
"..she don't half talk fast."
Janet says,
"Yeah, she's lovely, though.
You go, "Yeah, that's what I mean.
"I mean, Janet, that's what I mean.
"I just can't always keep up."
You're good. There's not a court
in the land that could convict ya.
That's it. You are good.
If anything, you insulted yourself.
You can't keep up. It's you.
You're the problem.
"Janet!" Now
It could go the other way, though,
with the bitchy feeler.
You say, "You know Cheryl?
Bless her. I do love her.
"Bless her. I mean, I love her.
But, she don't half talk fast."
Then Janet says,
"Yeah, and most of it's made up."
You're like
Boom! You're getting juicy,
you can smell colours!
You can't Wrrrrrrr!
It's happening! It's happening!
It's happening.
It's happening. But
you've got to hold it down,
hold down the excitement, because
Janet is the bitch now, in't she?
So if anyone's listening,
you've got to come the innocent.
You go, "Janet!
Next stage of the bitchy feeler,
ask an innocent question.
"Was that not true
about her boyfriend, then?"
Janet says, "Which one?"
You're like, "Yes!"
It's you and Janet every lunchtime.
"You'll never guess what
the lying slag said yesterday?!"
"Go on. Tell us, babes. Tell us!"
I love it! I love it.
I'll tell you what,
I'll give it to you men, though.
Men, give us a cheer!
You are straight down the line
about a bit of bitching.
I have started jobs before and
on the first day I've been shown
around by a bloke, he'd be like,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Everyone's all right. Pete's
a bit of a prick." You're like
And then Pete's
standing there like,
"Yeah, I am. To be fair, I am."
Listen, I've been Laura
Smyth, you've been amazing.
Thank you, Apollo!
Give it up for Laura Smyth!
Right. Keep that applause going
and welcome to the stage
..Liam Farrelly!
Awright? Aye.
As you can probably tell
by the state of my teeth,
I'm from Glasgow.
Great to be here. How are you all
coping with the accent,
are you understanding us
all right? AUDIENCE: Yes!
That's about half of yous.
This is going to be a long gig.
Because I know the accent
is quite difficult
when I come down here,
because when I'm down here,
I really have to enunciate.
But the problem with that is
when you have a Glaswegian accent
and you start enunciating,
you just sound
even more threatening.
You'll just be trying to get
directions and you're like
"Can you tell me where
the train sta-shon is?"
You know, there's just some
wee English guy like,
"Oh, I don't want
any trouble, mate."
I'm, like,
"There will be no trab-ell"
"..if you tell me
where the train sta-shon is."
Then he just ran away.
So I chased him.
That's how I've ended up here,
I'm not even a comedian, you know.
Just been chasing
this guy all night.
It's good to be here.
Tell you a bit about myself,
I'm from Glasgow, obviously.
I come from quite
a unique family in Glasgow.
My aunt is a nun.
It was weird when I was growing up
because I was never allowed
to call her Aunt Janet.
I had to call her Sister Janet.
It's a very strange day, guys.
You know, you're eight years old,
your dad sits you down
and brings in a woman
dressed as a penguin.
And you're thinking,
"Yas, my aunt is Pingu."
Then he drops the bombshell,
and he's like,
"This is your aunt,
but she is also your sister."
What's going on here, Stephen?
Are we from Wales or something?
Strange as well, because my sister,
my actual sister
has now became a nun.
And I'm not a fan of that
because nuns aren't allowed
to make any money.
So I have to send her money
every month, £20 a month.
I'm, like, I could get
a snow leopard cheaper for that.
She tried to explain it to me as
well, and she's like,
"Basically, what's
happened is, I've married God."
And I was like, "You're telling me
you've married God,
"you're telling me
I am God's brother-in-law."
So, the guy didn't even
invite me to the stag-do?
I mean, can you imagine
what an amazing stag-do
that's going to be as well?
Just all the apostles trying to
make God dress up as the devil.
Got he T-shirts printed
that just say,
"The boys in Bethlehem."
At the pre-match meal bit,
God is arguing with
the wait staff, like,
"Yes, I booked a table
for me and my 12 friends,
"but we wanted all the seats
on the one side of the table."
Get to the nightclub and Jesus
is trying to take ecstasy.
Just keeps on falling
through that hole in his hand.
He's like
Every tried getting ecstasy
out of a sandal, mate?
It's a tough shift.
But it puts me in a weird
situation, her being
married to God,
cos I've always felt I've got
to stick up for her if she
gets an arsehole boyfriend.
But what am I going to do to God?
Why am I going to do
if they break up,
there's just a bang at the door,
I answer it and it's just
a bright light going,
"So how long has she been
talking to Allah for, then?"
It's a very unique family
I'm from, that's just got
even bigger as well
because I just had a baby.
Had a baby at 21,
which is old for Glasgow.
I don't feel ready at all
and it's not one of those ones
where you're like, "Oh, no-one's
ever ready for a baby."
I was literally not ready.
Like, my bank were telling me,
"You're not even ready
for a contactless card."
I'm 22 now and
I still don't feel ready.
Like, I'm not old enough
to rent a car.
Like, society has
looked at me and gone,
"We cannot trust him
"with a Fiat Punto
"..for a day."
But he can have that baby
for the next 18 years.
It's not like you can take a baby
back with damage, you know?
Kind of like, "I think you'll
find it was missing an ear
"when you gave it to me."
Strange, the things you have to do
when you're going through
a pregnancy nowadays, cos there's
a lot of technology involved.
Like, I had to do a pregnancy
tracker app and it just compares
the size of the baby to fruit,
depending on how many weeks it is.
Like, "Today you have a strawberry.
Tomorrow, you'll have a lemon.
"In two weeks' time,
you'll have a grapefruit."
I'm from Glasgow.
I don't know what any of that is.
Terrifying reading that stuff.
Like, do women have a uterus
or a fucking greenhouse?
It's strange the things you
end up thinking about as well.
Things I have never
thought about before.
Like, why are prams so expensive?
Like, mate, how much do you
think a pram costs nowadays?
150 quid?
150 quid?
You got a lot of fuckin'
growing up to do, wee man.
It's £1,200 for a pram nowadays.
But here's a wee bit of
parenting advice
I've picked up along the way.
Do you know how much a wheelbarrow
and a pillow costs?
Free if you know the right guy.
I had to get life insurance
as well and life insurance
is really weird with what you
can do and what you can't.
Like, you're not allowed to smoke,
you're not allowed to take illegal
drugs and you can't go skydiving.
But what you are allowed to do
is commit suicide.
So, what they're saying is,
I can jump out an aeroplane
but I better not be wearing
parachute while I'm doing it.
I feel I've been forced
to grow up a lot, but none
of my mates have, so they're the
same people they've always been.
So I still get phone calls
at three in the morning,
like, "Liam, we've just bought
"three grams -
do you want to come over?"
I have to be like, "No, mate,
"I've got life insurance."
It's a sad day when you start to
go through that same list of people
and work out which one
of them you can get to babysit.
I'm already scraping
the bottom of the barrel.
The other day I was asked,
"Would your mate Sharkey babysit?"
I was like, "No."
She was, like, "Why not?"
And I was, like, "Because
he's called fuckin' Sharkey."
The guy breeds Staffies
and owns two Samurai swords.
I think a lot about when the
baby grows up and stuff, though,
and she'll be going to school
and that, she'll be like,
"Yeah, my dad's a comedian
and my aunt's a nun."
People at school will be, like,
"You've got a really weird family."
"Oh, that's nothing.
"I've not even told
you about my uncle yet."
"What does your uncle do?"
And she'll be, like,
"Well, have you ever heard of God?"
It's been a weird two years,
everybody wearing masks
and all that.
I've had no idea what anybody's
been trying to say to me
for the past two years,
I've just been staring
into people's eyes and being like
Which is probably why I
have a child now, you know?
I decided I wanted to
try and do new things
when everything opened
back up again.
So I went to Turkish barber's
for the first time.
See if you've not been into one
before and you don't know
what to expect, it is terrifying.
I went in there,
we got through the hair cut,
we got to the end of it, and
the guy just went, "Eyebrows?"
And I panicked and just went,
Then he went into a drawer,
pulled out a stick,
dipped it in methylated spirits
and set it on fire.
I was just sat there like,
"What have I agreed to here?"
That is the problem,
I'd agreed to it,
so I just had to sit there
smiling, like, "Yes, this is my
"favourite part of the hair cut."
And when I wondered what was going
to happen next, he just started
whacking it off the side of my head
like I was a fucking creme brulee.
Just staring at the mirror,
at the people behind me,
like, "Someone has got
to step in here, guys."
Then when he got bored of that,
I realised he'd dipped
two cotton buds in hot wax
..and I was, like, "What are
you going to with them?"
He was, like,
"Just tilt your head back."
I was like, "No. What are
you going to do with them?"
And he shoved them
right up my nose.
I was, like, "Oh, sorry, mate,
"I didn't realise I'd signed up
for an extreme Covid test."
So I just sat there with these two
cotton buds up my nose, thinking,
"You have not touched
my eyebrows once."
And that's when he went for them.
It grabbed a razor and he
shaved off both of my eyebrows.
So I could not even express
to this man annoyed I was!
I'm just sat staring at
my own expressionless face
..wondering if I'd ever
be ragin' again.
That's when I remembered about
the cotton buds and I was, like,
"You better tell me
before you pull them out."
He was like, "What?"
"You better tell me"
And then he just yanked them.
So I started screaming,
and this was the weirdest part
of the whole thing for me.
As soon as I started screaming,
he just got real calm.
He just went,
"You've got a lot of
pain inside you, pal.
"Can I do anything else?"
I was, like, "Aye, mate, can you
tell me what the nearest Boots is?
"Cos I've got to go buy
an eyebrow pencil."
So that was fun, got to terrify
the baby for a couple of weeks.
It was great.
When I found out I was having
the baby, I had to do these
antenatal classes as well.
And if anyone is thinking about
doing them, I wouldn't recommend
them, they're bullshit, they'll just
give you pointless information.
Like when I walked in there, they
went, "You're perfect for this."
Then got me up in front
of everyone and went,
"A wee bit of information, guys -
when the baby is born,
"it'll look like its father,
because in the wild, if he had
"a baby and it didn't look
like him, he'd try and eat it."
Do you know how difficult it is
to win over a room
full of pregnant women
when you're opening line is,
"Here, I don't eat babies!"
They'd be, like, "Right,
act out comforting the baby."
And I got about ten seconds into it
and the woman running the course
just went, "Stop."
She was, like, "Do you realise
how difficult it will be
"for you to comfort a baby
when you sound like that?"
So I got sent home with
a doll baby to practise on.
They were, like, "Speak clearly
and enthusiastically
"to this doll baby."
So, I had to sit alone
at night being, like,
"I love you!"
"Don't cry!"
"Do you know where
the train sta-shon is?"
You've been a great crowd.
Enjoy the rest of your night.
Cheers, thank you very much.
Give it up for Liam Farrelly!
Ladies and gentlemen,
that is the end of the show.
Thank you so much.
Give it up for all tonight's acts -
Liam Farrelly, Laura Smyth!
I've been Kae Kurd. Enjoy it!
See you later!
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