Live at The Apollo (2004) s18e04 Episode Script

1
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your host
for tonight,
Maisie Adam!
Come on!
Yes!
Come on!
CHEERING
Good evening, Live At The Apollo!
Are we well?
CHEERS
Wonderful! Thank you so much for
coming out this evening
and for that lovely, warm welcome.
Did you like me walk-out there?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
Thank you.
Because I'll be honest,
Apollo, I panicked.
That's what happened there.
Cos I don't know if you know,
but I have to stand behind
this massive screen for about five
minutes before I come out.
They flood it with smoke,
and then you just hear
a voice go, "Go."
And then I thought, just try and
walk in time to the music.
I couldn't hear the music,
I could just see you clapping.
I assumed you were clapping
in time to the music.
You weren't. You were clapping me.
So I ended up sort of walking out,
like, sort of
I did a walk I've never done
in my life before, just then.
I don't think I've ever been so
conscious of my own walk
since like, you know when you're a
kid and you go and get school shoes
for the first time, and you have to
do the walk in the shop for your mum
and the assistant.
That's how I felt. Like, you took me
back to Clarks as a six-year-old.
That's what happened there.
Who's that walk for, by the way?
It's a completely mad saga
from beginning to end, getting your
school shoes for the first time.
It's a rite of passage
that everybody in this room
will have gone through at some
point, and it's mad.
I don't understand it. Cos first of
all, you have to get your feet
measured by the shop assistant.
And that shop assistant always looks
like sort of all of your mates'
mums put together.
Do you know what I mean? Like
there's a high likelihood she'll be
called either Linda, Carol or Sue.
Which I think was the original
Sugababes line-up.
And this woman, she takes you over
to get your feet measured
in what looks like, I'll be honest,
a handmade guillotine.
Do you remember that?
You have to like strap them in
in a plastic seat belt, and she just
sort of put a bar down to your toes,
tell your mum what size you are,
and then you got to choose
a pair of shoes.
I say you choose a pair of shoes.
You don't choose the pair of shoes.
You pick from a pair of three pairs
that your mum has approved,
all of which are like something
a town crier would wear.
"Hear ye, hear ye!
"This child shall be bullied
in Year 1."
Then you put this pair of shoes on.
You think that's the end of it.
You think that's it, job done,
when suddenly this shop assistant,
Linda/Carol/Sue,
she just hits you with
the instruction, "Go for a walk."
And it is at that exact point,
Apollo, that you completely
and utterly forget how to walk.
You're walking round
a local shoe shop
just like a newly birthed gazelle.
And as if that's not
humiliating enough,
she starts heckling you from across
the shoe shop with really insightful
questions like, "How do they feel?"
"Like shoes, Sue! You know shoes?
"They feel like shoes, yeah."
And then your mum gets
involved as well.
Of course she does.
Every mum does the same thing
as well.
I've no idea why they do this.
They all do the exact same thing.
Squeeze the side, thumb the toes.
That's it. Squeeze the side,
thumb the toes.
What you checking for? Have I lost
a toe in the handmade guillotine?
Is that what's happened?!
I'm having a wonderful time
at the moment.
I got married this summer.
AUDIENCE WHOOPS
Thank you.
It was the best day of my life.
It was absolutely wonderful.
I'll be honest with you, though,
I wasn't quite prepared for how soon
after getting married, everybody
immediately starts asking you
when you're going to have kids. Like, the moment those
rings were on our fingers, that was the question.
"When are you going to have a baby? Are you going to
have a baby? You said you were going to have a baby.
"Everybody else is having a baby. Go on, have
a baby. It might be too late to have a baby.
"Better start now if you're going to
have a baby. Go on, have a baby"
You're like, "Vicar,
we haven't left the church."
If you've not had this, by the
way, if you've not had this,
it's sort of, let me try and
put it in another context.
Imagine you've gone out for
a really lovely meal.
Imagine you've enjoyed
a really gorgeous main course
and you've loved it. And the
moment that last mouthful
goes into your mouth,
the waiter appears.
"They're going, do you want a pudding?
Have a pudding. Go on, have a pudding.
"Everybody else is having a pudding. It might be too
late. You better start now if you want a pudding.
"Go on, have a pudding, have a pudding, they're
having a pudding. When you going to have a pudding?"
And basically, Apollo,
I think I might be full.
Like, don't get me wrong. Bring the
menu over, I'll have a look.
Do you know what I mean?
I might have a look. I mean,
maybe if my friend gets one,
I'll have a bite.
That's where I'm at.
That's where I'm at with kids.
In fact, that's the ideal scenario
for me, is that my friends have
a pudding. You know?
Like, go on, "Beth, you have a baby.
You have a baby. Carry the baby,
"birth the baby, feed the baby,
be financially responsible for the baby.
"But occasionally, I'll stick me
fork in." Do you know what I mean?
That's where I'm at with it.
I don't know.
No kids any time soon.
I'm on an incredible contraception
called the coil.
SCATTERED WHOOPING
Yeah, that's exactly the sort of
reception the coil should get.
You're absolutely right,
because it's an incredible thing.
It's a medical marvel,
but it needs a rebrand,
don't it, cos that name is minging.
It's awful, innit? You tell people
you're on the coil, you sound
like you've got a slinky
in your womb.
It's horrible, innit?
Copper coil as well,
like it's been welded in there.
Horrible.
But medical marvel, the coil.
Absolutely incredible.
99% effective, the coil.
In't that amazing? 99% effective.
99% effective.
You can have sex 100 times
and 99 of those, you'll be fine.
Amazing. But then I counted how many
times me and my feller have had sex,
and we're on 98.
Yeah, so we've had to take a vow
of celibacy because now
we're down to 50-50.
I don't like them odds.
What am I, an idiot?
No, thank you.
Maybe we will. Maybe we will have
kids, I don't know.
It might be nice.
I'm from a big family.
I'm from a very fun family.
Quite exotic family, actually -
not a lot of people know
this -
because my dad is from just outside
Leeds
and my mum is from the deep south.
Of Yorkshire.
Huddersfield, baby!
Hello, Mum.
I know how that sounds. I know that
might sound like a sort of, you know,
a gene pool so shallow
you couldn't drown in it,
but that's pretty
good for Yorkshire.
That's pretty good. Genuine
They're sort of like a Yorkshire,
Romeo and Juliet, my mum and dad,
you know. But sort of less
balconies,
more kestrels, that sort of thing.
Less Montague and Capulet,
more Bradford and Bingley.
Less Romeo and Juliet, more
"Ruh-me-urgh and Juw-lie."
They're very opposite,
my mum and dad.
Very, very opposite people.
They're perfect for each other,
but very, very different people.
Like, my mum, she's a social
butterfly.
She's got loads of friends,
loads of hobbies.
She's always out doing something
or other.
My dad, he's got one
friend, his name's Jim.
They play snooker on a Wednesday
and they talk only about who owns
which dog in the village.
That's it.
That's it. But listen, we grew
up in a small village.
Maybe there's not a lot
to talk about.
The village that I'm from is very,
very small.
To give you guys an idea
of the size of the village
that I'm from and, indeed, give
you an idea of the relationship,
the friendship between my dad
and Jim,
this is a genuine interaction
they once shared.
A couple of years ago, I was on a
walk with my dad around the village
and he got a phone call from Jim,
right?
And Jim's truck had got
stuck in one of the fields
and he was ringing my dad
to come and help him out.
My dad answered the phone, and he
was like,
"Phil, can you come and help me, my
truck's stuck?"
He went, "Yes, of course,
Jim. Where are you?"
Jim went, I'm next t'pile o' muck."
Now
..obviously my dad was like,
"Well, which pile of muck, Jim? you
need to be a bit specific here, don't you?"
He went, "I'm next t'big pile o'
muck, Phil."
He went, "But Jim, you need to be
exact. You need to tell me
"specifically which" He went,
"You know, big pile o' muck."
My dad starts to get quite
annoyed.
"Jim, you either tell me exactly
where you are or I'm not coming."
Jim started to get annoyed
with my dad and went,
"Phil, I'm next t'big pile o' muck,
next t'big pile o' shit."
And my dad knew where he was.
I do go back up North when I
can, because I live in Brighton now,
but I like to go back up North
as often as I can
and I go and stay with my granny.
She still lives in the little
village that we grew up in
and I love staying with my granny.
She's incredible, is my granny.
She's 92. She lives on her own.
independently, up in Yorkshire.
She lives independently,
but she has, like,
these sort of four helpers come
throughout the day,
right, to help her with anything
she might need.
You know, getting up in the morning, having a
wash, having breakfast, getting the shopping in.
Anything that she needs doing,
they're there.
They're absolute godsends. Angels,
the lot of them.
And they've got this app
where they can let us know
how she's going on, because we don't
live in Yorkshire any more.
So it's really, really good.
But you try telling a 92-year-old
Yorkshire woman who has lived
through a world war, a pandemic,
and not one, but two
attempted comebacks by the
Spice Girls
..she needs help putting on a
cardigan in the morning, right?
She's not having it.
So as I say, as I say, the first
girl that's meant to come
and help her in the morning,
she comes at eight o'clock in the morning.
What my Granny Muriel has taken
to doing is getting up at 6am
every morning, getting ready
herself,
waiting for the 8am lady to arrive.
And as she sees her walk
down her garden path towards my
granny's door, my granny opens
the front door and says,
"I win."
I love it.
I love it.
She's so competitive, is my granny.
So competitive, always has been.
She loves competitive things.
She likes watching the horse racing.
She likes watching the cricket.
She plays along with the little
teatime quizzes
and she does The Times cryptic
crossword every day.
She does it every single day.
She's done it for as long
as I can remember.
She does it every single day.
Sends it off in the post every day.
First class.
First class, every day.
That's £1.10 a day.
£1.10 a day, seven days a week,
52 weeks of the year.
When you add that up,
that is
..my inheritance, OK?
And I know what you're thinking.
I know what you're thinking.
"Well, what do you win if you win
The Times cryptic crossword?
"Must be worth something if you're
sending it off every single day
"in the post, £1.10 a day,
must be worth something."
Do you know what you win if you win
The Times cryptic crossword?
A gold pen.
A gold pen.
Has my granny ever won the gold pen?
Yes, 53 times!
That's why she can't put on her
cardigan in the morning.
The pockets are weighed down with
real gold.
She's weighed down like Mr T.
People talk about the greats that
have won gold over and over.
Michael Phelps, 23 gold medals.
Martina Navratilova, nine
Wimbledon championships.
Well, forget Michael,
forget Martina.
Muriel's won 53 gold pens.
It's amazing. It's amazing.
It's incredible.
She's unrivalled in her field,
mainly due to the lack of rivalry,
I'll be honest.
She's been helped a lot there by
natural causes and cold winters.
I've been doing this job six years,
right, and I absolutely love it.
But I learned really early on, never
to tell people that this is my job.
I learned that really Never tell
people you're a comedian. You know,
like, if you get in a taxi
or you're at a function and people
ask what you do, never tell
people you're a comedian.
I learned that really early
because one of two things happens.
Either people say, "Tell us a joke,"
or, even worse, they tell you a
joke.
And that joke is always at best sort
of cheesy Christmas cracker fodder
and, at worst,
a legitimate hate crime.
So I've learned not to say it.
I've learned not to say it.
I don't lie, though.
I sort of keep it vague.
I keep it half true.
I say things like, "I'm a writer,"
or, "I work in live events."
That's a good one.
It's not, it's not a lie, is it?
"I work in live events."
But sometimes
Sometimes it can backfire.
Now, I'm very embarrassed about
this, but a couple of weeks ago,
I was on holiday with me husband
and I had a fall in the shower,
which is not a sentence I'm proud
to say when my age
still begins with a 2.
It's so embarrassing, innit? I had a
fall in the shower.
I'm 29.
The only reason you should get
hospitalised in your 20s
is because you've done too much
ket,
not because you forgot to put the
non-slip mat down in the bath.
I'm too young to be having a fall
in the shower.
I'm younger than the film The Mask.
I turn 30 in January.
I have a genuine fear that somebody
is going to buy me a shower seat
for my 30th birthday.
But I did. I fell over, slipped, and
I cracked the side of me head open.
And I passed out, and I woke
up in the hospital
and my husband was there.
He was, he was next to me
at the bedside.
He said, "Don't worry, love.
Everything's all right.
"I've sorted all the paperwork.
"I've filled out all the forms,
you know, done all your details,
"your name, date of birth, address.
"I even did that thing about your
job because I know you don't like
"saying what your actual job is." I said,
"Oh, right, what did you put?"
He said, "Well, you know,
I kept it vague."
I said, "Yeah, what did you put?"
He said, "You know, like what you
do, I sort of kept it half true."
I said, "Mike, what did you put?"
He put "evening entertainment".
Which I think we can all agree
are not two words that conjure
up the image of standup comedy.
No, no, no. Those two words conjure
up the image of, let's be honest,
a party trick involving ping pong
balls
that you definitely couldn't
show on the BBC.
It gets worse as well, gets worse.
Because then I've got this head
bandage on that the paramedics
have done, right?
I look like Mr Bump.
And the nurse, she came
over to have a look at the side
of me head and she unwrapped it.
And she said She said these
words.
She said, "Wow, that's quite
an impressive gash."
Now
I might tell people I'm a writer,
Apollo,
I might tell people I work in live
events, but I'm a comedian.
So when she said
that, I couldn't resist.
I couldn't The comedian inside
me, it couldn't resist.
She said, "Wow, that's quite
an impressive gash."
And I said, "Cheers, love.
Play your cards right,
"I'll let you see me tits later."
Thank you for laughing.
Thank you.
But she did not.
She discharged me immediately.
It's an incredible privilege
to be hosting this show
in this gorgeous room.
It's a beautiful room, this,
an incredible room with so much history.
It's a real sort of best of British
comedy room, this, innit?
It's very hard to say best
of British without sounding
like I'm flogging lamb,
I appreciate.
Don't really know what
quite came over me there.
Also, I feel like the kind of people
who say words like best of British
are also the same people who say
sort of, like, the British spirit.
You know? They romanticise
what the British spirit is.
Do you meet these people? We had
them a lot in the pandemic.
People would come out with this.
They'd say, like,
"Oh, the British spirit will see us
through, won't it?"
What is it? What is it?
We like to romanticise
what it is in this country,
the British spirit.
Also, these people would also say,
in Covid, they'd say things
like "the Blitz spirit."
The Blitz spirit.
"Well, we've got that Blitz
spirit about us."
No, we didn't. Nobody had the
Blitz spirit in Covid,
mainly because we weren't in a
blitz.
But also from what I remember
when I learnt about the Blitz
at school, the Blitz spirit
was, like, singing songs
in the Anderson shelters,
to keep up morale.
It wasn't grassing on your neighbour
for going on two jogs.
None of us had the Blitz spirit.
And the British spirit, as well,
as I say, we like to romanticise
what that means.
We like to think it's this sort
of stiff upper lip, stoic,
"That's us Brits, tally ho. We'll just
muck in together and get on with the job."
That's what we like to think
the British spirit is.
But it's not. It's not.
I've seen the true British spirit.
I saw it exactly a week
before this gig.
I was on the way home from London.
I'd done a gig in London and I was
on the way home to Brighton
and I was on a rail replacement bus
service, which is not an unfamiliar
tale when you live in Brighton.
And it was sort of dead of night,
it was, like, midnight, one o'clock
in the morning.
It was a cold, wet, dark night
and
Really miserable atmosphere,
as well, on this bus,
because everybody was on their own,
so nobody was talking,
and we were going down the motorway
in the dead of night.
I was sat at the top deck
at the front, because I like to feel
like I'm driving and
..we're going down this motorway
in the dead of night
with this horrible atmosphere
on this bus.
And I saw the true British spirit
on that bus, because suddenly,
from out of nowhere, this lad,
on his own,
from the back of the bus,
just went
Ten green bottles standing on a
wall ♪
Now, that is not the British spirit.
The British spirit was the woman
in front of him, who,
without hesitancy, just turned
around immediately and went,
"No, thank you!"
Sensa Give her a Pride of Britain
Award, I say.
Live At The Apollo, we have got two of
the best acts you will ever see, tonight.
Are you up for that?
AUDIENCE CHEERS
Wonderful! Well, please, let's get
together and welcome your first act.
Go wild, go crazy,
and welcome to the stage
the fantastic Michael Odewale!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# You're sweet like chocolate, boy
Sweet like chocolate ♪
Wow!
Hammersmith Apollo, how are we
doing?
Are we good?
CHEERING
Wow. That's good to hear,
man, it's good to be here.
I'm feeling good.
I'm feeling refreshed, OK?
I just came back from a little solo
holiday. It was nice.
I went to the English countryside.
I don't know if you've been,
but I recommend it, OK?
I was going for walks, sir.
Colonial walks.
That's what I was calling them.
For those that don't know,
by the way, a colonial walk,
that's where you walk in nature
with your hands
behind your back, like this.
You need generational wealth to walk
like that.
To really enjoy it, you need
Yeah,
I was really getting
into character.
I was telling people to get off my
property.
It weren't even my property,
I just
I liked saying that sentence.
I felt powerful, it was good.
It was nice. It was an educational
trip, if anything,
because I started to get into the
mindset of a rich white man.
I really did.
I began to understand why
they walk with their hands
behind their back like that.
I get it now.
It's because, subconsciously,
they know they should be arrested
for something. They're just
It's them or their ancestor,
somebody did something.
I know it, man.
I like doing stuff by myself, man.
It feels good.
Some people find it awkward.
Some things are fine to do
by yourself.
Some things are cool, right?
For example, going to the cinema
by yourself, that's not weird.
That's fine, isn't it? You know?
Unless you go when you're high
and you watch Paw Patrol
cos they'll ask you to leave.
I didn't know that.
I like doing things by myself
because, you know,
I don't know about you guys,
but I just
I feel like it's too expensive
to be dating right now
in this economy, man.
All my go-to moves for dating,
I can't even afford them no more.
I'm pissed off, you know?
I used to do the Netflix and chill.
That was my go-to move, but the
subscription is too much right now.
I can't afford it.
I've had to downsize.
I tell girls, "Baby, we're going
to have to Wikipedia and chill."
That's my new move right now.
That's where we read the plot of the
movie by candlelight.
Take it or leave it.
"So, bring your phone.
"We're using your data, by the way.
"You better be on Giffgaff.
"Pay as you go, or you've got to go.
"Those are the rules, you know?"
There's consequences of that,
though.
I had a girl break up with me
just because I didn't have money,
and she got a new boyfriend.
He's a nice guy.
I know, cos I stalk him online
sometimes.
He's a really nice man.
Treats my girl really well.
He really does.
He buys her expensive handbags
and things like that.
And that's when I realised
I can't compete, man.
I can't compete with that.
I never even bought this girl
a Bag For Life, not one time.
That's true.
I'll be in Tesco and like,
"Baby, better put that cheese
in your pocket.
"We're not spending that 50p
right there."
These gold-diggers want my plastic
bags. They can't have them.
That's my bag right there.
I'm not a big fan
of social media, man.
I'm really not, because I feel
like with social media,
when you break up with somebody,
you can see what they're up to
online. I don't like that.
I prefer in the past where you broke
up with somebody, you could just lie
to yourself and pretended they were
still unhappy. That was a good era.
I liked that.
You'd just be lying to yourself.
You'd be like, "Man, she probably
missing me all the time.
"She probably sad," you know?
Now, you just go on her Instagram.
You're like, "Oh, nice. Yeah.
"100% made the right decision.
Good for her, man.
"I haven't seen her smile
like this in years, in fact.
"She's thriving. She's got three
Bags For Life in one photo.
"She levelled up, for real.
"Congratulations
to you, baby, you know?"
You know, when it comes to dating,
when it comes to dating, I feel
like the most important thing is
finding somebody that
you're compatible with, somebody you
have that connection with.
For example, I used to date
this girl, me and her got on
really well,
but there was a problem,
and that was she like dogs,
right?
Don't get me wrong,
I like dogs, too.
But she liked dogs too much.
You know, she liked dogs too
much. She used to kiss her dog.
That was weird, you know?
I don't even know what was weirder.
Was it the fact that she would
kiss her dog or the fact
that when she did, the dog made
eye contact with me the whole time?
That's a weird power play.
I said, "This dog is an alpha.
"I don't feel safe
in this relationship, right.
"This is a toxic masculinity dog
right here. I've got to go."
I caught that dog listening
to Andrew Tait.
I said, "I'm out of here.
I can't do this no more."
I've been reading up about that.
That's the new thing.
Toxic masculinity, man, you know?
I keep hearing women say men
are trash.
You know, I don't think anybody's
asking the important questions.
Are they recyclable?
That's the kind of stuff
you've got to ask.
Can we make this
toxicity carbon neutral?
Maybe. I don't know, you know?
I like to think I'm a good guy,
but even as a good guy,
I make small mistakes sometimes.
Innocent mistakes.
You ever been in that situation
as a man,
a really awkward situation,
you're walking home late at night
and there's a woman in front of you
and it's dark and there's a lot of
tension in the air.
You can feel the tension, right?
Obviously, I can understand
why the woman's feeling tense,
but I'm feeling tense, too, OK?
I'm a good guy.
I just want that woman to relax.
We both go about our day,
but, apparently,
it makes it worse
in that situation
if you shout out,
"I'm not going to hurt you!"
Like, that makes
the situation more intense.
Sometimes they run faster when you
do that. Don't do that, guys.
Don't Don't jump out of bushes.
Women don't like that, OK?
One time, I was walking behind
this woman late at night.
I know it sounds like there's
a pattern emerging,
I'm not doing
this on purpose. I just
Just both got off the night bus
at the same time.
It was unfortunate, you know?
But I'm walking behind this woman.
Honestly, I don't want to make
the same mistake from last time.
Shout something out, do something
dumb. So, I thought it would be
a good idea if I did something
nonverbal to help
put the woman at ease, OK?
I thought it would be a good idea
if I started whistling at night
because I
I thought that would make the
atmosphere more jovial.
Uh-uh. No, it doesn't.
It makes it way creepier,
to my surprise, actually.
Especially if you're like me
and you don't even know
how to whistle properly.
So then, you're just a guy who's
blowing in the wind in the dark,
real slow, like
HE PUFFS
Looked like a creepy dinosaur.
You can't do that.
Only learned that after
the pepper spray incident.
You can't do that
Now, here's the thing,
I think most people are good people.
We're just trying to learn
how to be good people
in this new world we're living in.
You know, the new thing now
is being woke, isn't it?
You know, I thought I was woke,
but then, I realised I'm just black.
I'm not actually doing anything.
I thought being black was insurance.
I didn't know I had to do stuff.
I thought it's just white people.
I didn't know I was involved, OK?
Every now and then, there'll be,
like, a new controversy or boycott
and black people, you know,
we have to get involved.
I don't know if you remember
this story.
It was from a couple of years ago,
Gucci, the fashion brand,
they got in big trouble
because they brought out a jumper
and they had a blackface
design on the jumper.
And when this came out, a lot
of celebrities got really mad.
P Diddy, the leader of the black
people, he was very upset, OK, um
That's news to some of you guys,
the leader of the black people, OK.
Now, P Diddy was furious.
He released a public statement.
P Diddy said that every black
person needs to boycott Gucci.
And I remember looking
at that and being like,
"Yo, OK, that's the easiest boycott
I've ever had to do in my life.
"Actually, it turns out my bank
account has been boycotting Gucci
"this whole time, P Diddy.
"My bank account's very woke.
"I don't buy anything.
I shop at Primark."
Now, let me not make fun of P Diddy.
His heart was in the right
place. P Diddy was saying,
if there were more black
people in those offices,
they would have shut down that
idea straight away.
I was like, "Yeah, that's true."
But I also feel like a room full
of white people just by themselves,
they should have known that a
blackface jumper was not going to
go down very well. They shouldn't
have needed help, you know?
Anyone during that production line
should have pointed that out.
Even the five-year-old kid who was
stitching the jumper together,
even he was like, "Guys, I don't
know about this.
"I'm just saying, y'all
It's your money.
"I don't think it's going to work.
"That's just my twopence an hour,
though, you know?"
I like making fun of white people.
But look, don't get me wrong, I make
mistakes, too. I'm not perfect.
I racially profile sometimes,
you know?
I don't do it from a place of hate.
I just get confused, OK?
I make very small racist mistakes.
I make mistakes like, if I ever see
four or more white guys in a row,
I'm like, "Could this be Coldplay?"
Like, it's very similar to racism.
I've seen them 17 times
in the audience right now.
It's crazy.
I know who the main one is,
but the other ones, they're
anonymous, I don't know
I don't even think white people can
tell them apart,
I think they're lying to us.
They're not real, they're AI.
I'm not proud of it.
I racially profile people, OK.
I'll give you another situation
where I racially profile
and I don't do it from
a place of hate.
I just do it to save time, OK?
I
Let me explain, I travel all
around the country doing this job.
Sometimes, I get lost and I need
to ask for help with directions.
And I need to figure out who's
going to give me directions
the quickest, who's going to give me
directions most efficiently.
And for that reason alone
..is why I don't ask old white
ladies for directions no more, OK?
Now, let me tell you something
about old white ladies.
They're good people. They're nice.
It's just that whenever you ask them
for directions,
they'll give you an answer
that sounds like
it might be helpful, but really
There is no information in there
whatsoever. There's none. I know.
Sometimes I've been in a rush,
I've been,
"Excuse me, old white lady, please!"
It's an aggressive way to start
the interaction, I know
"Old white lady, please.
"Is this the train going
to Birmingham?"
and they always say something a bit
weird back like,
"Ooh, I hope so.
I'm going there, too."
Like, how does that help me?
I don't understand.
"So, we're both going the wrong way
right now, old lady, because"
Stop trying to be cute!
You get your shit together, Doris!
What we doing here?
It's very niche racism. It's niche.
Listen, since we're on the topic
of old white ladies,
I have something to say.
This is not really a joke,
it's more of a statement.
And when I say it, it's going
to feel like it's true,
even though I don't have
the statistics to prove it, OK?
I feel like old white ladies
..I feel like they fall over
way more than any other race
of old lady.
I feel like it's true.
It feels like it's true. Whenever I
talk to my white friends, like,
"Oh, yeah, my nan just had a fall."
I said, "Again? Why is she falling
down so much?
"That's the third time this month.
"This is suspicious.
Why is she so clumsy?"
I only say that because like,
listen, old black ladies
are very sturdy people.
They're sturdy, OK?
I know. I've been trying to push my
mum down the stairs for years.
She's not going.
She's not moving. I've been trying.
One time, I pushed her. I thought I
had her, she landed like a gymnast.
She was like, "Ahhh"
I said, "Ah, that's
"That's a gold medal right there.
You stuck that landing, Mum.
"That's a ten out of ten."
I'll tell you one more thing.
I think the worst thing that ever
happened to me at school,
this is a true story. It popped up
in my life recently, OK?
I had somebody I went to school with
and I haven't spoken to this person
in a long time, over ten
years, out of the blue,
they sent me a message on Facebook
apologising to me,
because ten years ago they called me
a racial slur in our science class.
And I think, after all this time,
they felt guilty
because they sent me
a heartfelt message.
They were like, "Michael,
I just want to let you know,
"I was very ignorant back then.
I didn't know any better.
"I'm ashamed of myself
and I want to let you know
"that I'm not racist any more."
OK, that's the message
I got, right?
And I see this message and I
reflect on it for a little bit.
And I was like, that takes a big man
to apologise after all these years.
So, I'm going to be the bigger
person, as well,
and I'm going to turn the other
cheek.
So, I got my phone out
and I sent him a message.
I was like, "Hey, man,
it's so good to hear
"that you're not racist any more.
"I really mean that. I do.
"But me and you were not
in the same science class.
"You have the wrong black
person, actually."
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
"I hope you find who you're looking
for on this journey. I really do.
"There's about four black people
in that class.
"If it's not them, come back to me.
"We'll figure this out together.
That OK?"
And there was a part of me,
I felt genuinely guilty
about having to send him that
message, I really did.
Because it WAS me.
I just wanted to fuck with him.
That was the best part.
Listen, I've been Michael Odewale.
You guys have been amazing.
Thank you, guys, so much.
I appreciate you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Michael Odewale!
LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh! So good!
Right, Apollo, are you ready
for your final act?
CHEERING
Listen, I was so excited when I
heard this name was on the bill.
She's absolutely brilliant.
You're going to love her.
So, please, will you start
the clapping?
Will you start the cheering?
Will you start the whooping?
For your final act this evening,
the wonderful Susie McCabe!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How are you, folks? Are you well?
CHEERING
Good. I'll be honest with you.
I'm all right. I'm all right.
I'm just OK.
I've had a big birthday recently.
I knew it was a big birthday because
it was announced to the world,
spray painted onto a bedsheet
and hung from a roundabout
near my house.
What a strange little country
we are!
Never once have I been on holiday
and seen a bedsheet draped
over a roundabout
with "Bonne Anniversaire, Pascal."
And you know,
it's one of those birthdays
where you feel old,
and I've never felt old before,
because I'll be honest with you,
see, when you're a wee gay
I know
..I know that'll be a shock to you.
Sorry, lads.
But see, when you're a little homo,
we are timeless.
WHOOPING
Now, let melet me
I see the Pride march are in.
Now, let me explain.
When you live
in the heterosexual world,
if you are over the age of 30,
and you go into a nightclub
full of 18 to 25-year-olds,
they will look at you
and think, "Register alert."
When I walk into any gay club
in the world,
those wee 18 to 25-year-olds
look at me and go,
"Aww, there's an old gay.
"That's nice.
"They marched for us."
Two hours later, they're like,
"The old gay's fell asleep
"against the speaker.
"Can you get the DJ to
put on Donna Summer?
"That will wake up the old gay."
But I realised I was old.
People say there's a moment when
you realise that you're old
and I had my moment.
It was the 22nd of February
this year.
I was making a cup of tea,
2:30 in the afternoon,
and I was considering a nap.
But a nap is quite tricky
at half two in the afternoon
once you're in your 40s,
because there's every chance
you are sleeping past 4pm.
And once you sleep past 4pm,
you will then be lying awake
at 3:00 in the morning,
paying £65 for a sleep app
..with Joanna Lumley's voice.
AS JOANNA LUMLEY:
"It's time to go to sleep."
IN OWN VOICE:
"I know, Joanna! I know!
"In you come.
"In here."
But I had this moment, I was
making my cup of tea and an advert,
an advert came on the TV,
and this advert
completely hypnotised me.
And this is when I realised
that I was getting old
because the whole time that advert
was on, all I could think of was,
"Is that a free Parker pen
"..for just enquiring
about life insurance?
"What a bargain!"
And that's when you realise
that you are six weeks away
from collecting commemorative coins,
sponsoring a blind donkey
..and buying your first pair
of Skechers.
Yes! Yes, cos you will get
to a point in your life
where you no longer buy
trainers for fitness or fashion.
You're just buying trainers
because you have to walk.
Just to the car,
but you have to walk.
But I've realised that I'm on
this journey and I'm not alone.
My friends and I are on
this journey together.
My friends and I
used to have a group chat
where we would discuss
our nights out.
That group chat now just
discusses the night sweats.
Yes.
Every second word is misspelt,
because our fingers are sliding
off the screen.
Who knew the sponge emoji
would be so useful?
We don't even have nights out
any more. No!
We have an afternoon out.
Because we like to be up
in the house for about 6:00.
And, you know,
see, that afternoon out,
it's not even in a pub.
It's in a nice hotel where you just
go for an afternoon tea.
And for the first hour of
that afternoon out,
you just discuss how people you have
went to school with have died.
"She died."
"She died?!
"How did she die?"
"She drowned."
"She what?!"
"She drowned!"
"Where?"
"In the library."
"She drowned in the library?!"
"In her own sweat.
Terrible way to go."
Terrible way to go
And something, something else has
happened to me in my 40s,
and no-one told me about this.
No-one told me that this is a thing
that happens to women.
And it doesn't matter
if you're in a same-sex relationship
with a woman or a mixed-sex
relationship with a woman.
See, when you kiss a woman there,
we all have the same reaction.
And that reaction is
..hnnnnggg
Now, see, when you do that to us
in our 20s,
we will go, hhhhhnngggg,
and then, we'll look at you.
HOARSELY: "Take me.
"Take me now."
"We're in, we're in a car park."
"I don't care."
"We're in a car park
at a primary school."
"Get it done before the bell."
"You're the teacher."
A woman in her 30s,
a little bit different.
You kiss us on the back of the neck
and we will still go, hnnnnngggg,
but the whole time you're kissing
the back of our neck,
we're thinking,
"See, when you get us up the road,
"don't even talk to me.
"Just take me
straight in the bedroom.
"Bring the chips."
So, women in our 30s.
See in our 40s,
we're a little bit different again.
You kiss us on the back of
the neck
and we will still go, hnnnnggggg
But the whole time you're kissing
the back of our neck,
all we are thinking is,
"Ah, I changed the bed today."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
"I wonder if there's any way
I can move this into the shower.
"Would you mind if I put a
towel down?"
But no, no
It's an interesting journey
as a woman into your 40s.
On the day of my birthday,
I totally underestimated how big
a deal it was for my mum.
There was me, my wife,
my mother, my father,
we're having some tea,
some cake, we're laughing.
Everyone's happy.
And my mum just turned around
to me and went,
"Sad."
I went, "What?"
She went,
"Oh, it's awful sad, Susan."
I said, "What?"
It's sad?"
She went, "Well, that's it.
"You're in your 40s.
"You won't be having children now."
LAUGHTER
I said, "Mum, with all due respect,
"time was not the deciding
factor in that.
"You can put two bits of Velcro
together, Mum,
"but you'll never make
a zip out of it, right?"
APPLAUSE
And I'm now at an age, where I need
to spend more time with my parents.
They are getting older, so I try and
see them two, three times a week,
and every time I go up,
I always get the same reaction
from my mum
when I walk in the door.
"Hello, stranger."
"I literally
seen you 12 hours ago."
"I didn't want to tell
you over the phone,
"but I'm awful worried, Susan.
I'm awful worried."
I'm like, "What is it?"
She's like, "It's your dad.
"It's your dad, he's losing it.
"He is losing it.
"I don't know what's going
on with him, but he has wandered.
"He is losing it!
"We need to get him to a doctor's."
Ten minutes later, my dad came in,
stood behind my mum.
I'm standing going, "Dad, it's me!
"Susie, your second child,
"your only daughter!"
He went, "I know!
Then he just looked at my mother.
MOUTHS
I am now being gaslighted.
By not one, but two pensioners.
I was on holiday recently.
I was on an all-inclusive.
We all love an all-inclusive
holiday, don't we?
Oh, aye! Chips and gateau
for breakfast. Yes!
I always think it's amazing.
I can always identify
where people are from,
on an all-inclusive holiday.
It's fascinating for me.
Like, the Italians,
you can always tell the Italians
because they could put
on a bag of rags and look amazing.
Then, you can see the Germans and
they're quiet and they're reserved,
and then, there's us, the British.
That's interesting, isn't it?
Cos we all want to become pals
with each other.
I've had a pen pal
in Woking for 25 years,
that I met in Lanzarote.
But it was really, really interesting
for me, because there's a way
I can always tell if someone is from
the south of England on holiday
and it's I don't need to hear
your accent, nothing.
The way, number one, I will tell
if you are from the south of England
is, it will be 9:00 at night,
it's 28 degrees,
the moon and the stars are out,
and you come out wearing
a wee jumper.
Because it gets a bit chilly.
It's 28 degrees!
The moon's out, I'm Scottish,
I'm like, "Pass the Factor 50, hen!"
"I do not trust the moonburn.
"Get me the Factor 50!"
Then there's another way
I can always tell
someone is from the south
of England.
You and I are on an
all-inclusive holiday.
We can eat as much as we want.
And they will go to the bar
and they will order a half pint.
No.
You can't order
a half pint in Scotland.
Next time you visit Scotland,
try and order a half pint.
That is one of the most tense
conversations you will ever have.
About three months ago,
I went to a bar in my home
city of Glasgow
and I says to the barman,
"Can I have two pints of lager
"and a half pint of lager?"
And he looked at me.
And he went,
"What was that?"
I said, "It's two"
He went, "No, no, no.
Just the last one."
I went, "It's justjust a
half pint of lager, mate."
"Hold on.
"Come here, tell him.
"Just the last one."
I went, "It's just a half
pint of lager."
"Is that for you?"
"It's for my pal."
"Ah
"..are they on antibiotics?
"Are they pregnant?
"Would they like a colouring book
and crayons with that?"
Eh, ladies and gentlemen,
you have been lovely.
I've been Susie McCabe,
thank you so much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come on! Fantastic!
Susie McCabe!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Have you enjoyed yourselves, Apollo?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Give a cheer for all the acts
you've seen tonight.
CHEERING CONTINUES
You've seen Michael Odewale!
You've seen Susie McCabe!
And I've been your host,
Maisie Adam!
Thank you so much! Goodbye!