Live at The Apollo (2004) s18e07 Episode Script

1
Oh, yeah!
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
your host for tonight -
Tom Allen!
# Christmas time,
mistletoe and wine
# Children singing
Christian rhyme# Hi!
Hi, everybody!
Happy Christmas!
God bless us, every one.
Are you all having
a lovely Christmas?
CHEERING
Christmas is a lovely time
to reflect, isn't it,
on all the things
that have been happening.
I mean, not that long ago,
I finally moved out
from living with a couple
called Dad and Mum,
and I finally got my own place!
CHEERING
Oh, it's nice having your own home,
isn't it? Except on bin day,
and if it's cardboard recycling
and my mum's there, she'll say,
"Oh, they won't take it like that.
You've got to break it down.
"Break it down."
She's like a DJ in the 1990s.
"Break it down, break it down,
break it down now."
Also, I live Where I live is
on the same road as my old school,
and I thought there's something
quite poetic about that.
I used to walk past this house
on the way to the bus stop.
And then I remembered what
my old school was actually like.
So I'll be there taking
out the bins,
and then I'll say to the kids,
"Oh, sorry,
"would you mind not throwing your
Monster Munch into my front garden?"
And then they'll respond
with something like,
"Oh, piss off, Judge Rinder."
LAUGHTER
And I've got a garden.
Oh, it's nice to have a garden,
but I've got a terrible problem
with slugs.
Oh, the snails who are homeless.
They come out, right,
they come out -
well, they don't come out -
but they come out
Imagine if they did.
"Hello, we're gay."
No, you're not,
you're moving far too slowly.
LAUGHTER
They come out and they attach
themselves to my bush,
and then I have to go out
after dark with a torch,
padding through the bushes,
crawling through the undergrowth
like some sort of gay in the 1970s,
except the only thing getting
sucked off is my hydrangeas!
LAUGHTER
Oh, you've got a Christmas jumper
on, madam.
Both of you have got Christmas
jumpers on. That's lovely.
I thought you were Mary Berry
for a moment.
Where'd you get
your Christmas jumper from?
Can't remember.
You can't remember? No.
What, you just walk into shops
blindly just picking up jumpers
that look like
they're from Christmas? Yeah.
And put them on?
You've had it for a long time?
Two years. Two years,
and you can't remember? Are you OK?
LAUGHTER
So, anyway, is everybody looking
forward to the January sales?
CHEERING
Well, I went to buy a mattress
in the January sales,
and I walked into a department store
and I went to the mattress
department,
and this woman
came over. She said, "Hi, I'm Fay."
I said, oh, my God, so am I!
She had quite sparkly shoes on,
but she carried with her an air of,
um, sadness?
Anyway, I said, "I'd like
to buy a mattress, please."
She said, "Well, do you need
to buy a bed as well?"
Yes, Fay, of course
I need to buy a bed as well.
I'm not just going to put
a mattress in the corner
like some sort of crack den, me
and the slugs chasing the dragon.
LAUGHTER
I said, "No, I just need a mattress
for the moment,
"though, thank you, Fay." She said,
"What sort of mattress do you want?
I suppose you want memory foam.
"Everyone wants memory foam
these days."
It was like she was trying
to forget.
Anyway, we went over to the memory
foam. She said, "Lie on it.
"Lie on it. Just try and relax."
I couldn't relax, though,
because Fay was standing
at the end of the mattress
like some sort of night terror.
She said, "Now just try
and roll over. Roll over."
I couldn't roll over. It was like
I was drowning in memories.
I said, "No, Fay,
I don't want memory foam."
She said, "OK, before we go any
further, can I just ask you,
"do you have night stands?"
I said, "Fay, that is
none of your business!"
LAUGHTER
Then I realised
she meant bedside tables.
I said, "OK, let's have a look."
She takes me over to the bedside
tables.
They've got them on a little
set, haven't they,
at a department store, the little
bed, the little bedside table
and the little window there
with the little roller blind.
By the way, I'm 40 years old.
I still can't work a roller blind.
You know, the blinds, you pull them
down to pull them down,
and then to make them go back up
again, you pull them down again?
When I pull them down again,
they stay down.
Then I pull them down another time,
they still stay down.
There's, like, a skirt hanging over
the windowsill.
Then I have to get on a chair to try
and twizzle with the angles,
at which point the whole thing flies
up and nearly takes my head off.
And the way they lay out these
bedside tables,
I mean, no-one has got a bedside
table with a journal
and an Anglepoise lamp on it,
have they?
No-one's getting into bed
to write a journal, are they?
Everyone gets into bed,
does exactly the same thing.
We prop ourselves up, reach for our
phone, turn up the brightness,
start Googling things like,
"Why can't I sleep?
"Why is my neck so sore?
"Are there osteopaths in my area?"
And as well, no-one's got a bedside
table that looks like that.
Everyone's bedside table has got
37 glasses of water on it.
You'll be downstairs
in the kitchen going,
"I'm sure we've got glasses
somewhere in this house."
I said, "No, Fay, I don't want
a bedside table, thank you,
"I just want a mattress."
She said, "OK, well,
how many springs do you want?"
Fay, I don't fucking know.
At least two. Give me half a chance,
I'll sleep on a Slinky.
She takes me over to this mattress.
How cocky are mattress companies
that they need to put down
a plastic sheet on the mattress,
like their mattresses are so
comfortable, I'm going to get on it
and then immediately piss myself?
LAUGHTER
So I get on the mattress. I'm
sliding around all over the place,
and then Fay gets in the bed
next to me.
She turns to me and says,
"How do you sleep?"
Which sounds sort of accusatory,
doesn't it?
It's the sort of thing they shout
at serial killers in court.
"How do you sleep?
How do you sleep?"
I said, "I don't know how I sleep,
Fay, because I'm asleep."
She said, "Well, are you supported?"
I said,
"Well, I've got some good friends."
She said, "How would you sleep
if you were at home?"
I said, "Well, if I was at home, I
probably wouldn't have my shoes on.
"I wouldn't have all these people
walking round,
"and I certainly wouldn't have
a woman lying next to me!"
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
She got on the
She got on the escalator.
I don't think
she worked there at all.
But at one point she said,
"I suppose you want a queen-size."
I thought that was homophobic.
Mary Berry, you OK? Great.
How's the cookbook going?
LAUGHTER
So, where was I? Ah, yes,
Christmas television as well.
Oh, are you excited
about Christmas television?
CHEERING
Kill The Midwife. Are you going to
be watching that? Kill The Midwife.
Oh, I love that. I do think
I could probably deliver a baby now,
because I've watched that.
I don't understand the, um,
the narration at the beginning now.
I think they've just patched
together bits from previous ones.
So it's just her going,
"Oh, children and the babies
"and the family and the bond and the
love and exterminate, exterminate."
Or, I mean, when I was a child,
the only Christmas television
you had was The Snowman. Oh, my God.
Have you seen it recently?
In America they had Home Alone,
where it's Macaulay Culkin
running around a hotel
spending his dad's credit card.
What did we have?
A story about a little boy
who made friends with a snowman,
and he had such a great time,
and then the following day
he went to see him
and he had melted to death!
All that was left of him
was his little carrot nose.
Happy Christmas.
LAUGHTER
How messed up is our world
that the only way we can relax now
is by watching programmes
about heinous crimes,
serial killers, all the time?
Especially the documentaries,
because you know they're real.
I make an evening of it.
Oh, I put my pyjamas on, get
a hot water bottle, get into bed,
put on the programme about
serial killers,
wait for the bit where they go,
"Oh, and that's when he ate his
victims in a baguette."
"Oh, that's lovely,
now I can finally rest. Goodnight."
LAUGHTER
I also, after a long time,
have finally got myself a boyfriend.
CHEERING
Oh, you wouldn't clap
if you'd seen us do it.
We're actually
trying for a puppy at the moment.
LAUGHTER
MORE LAUGHTER
But, no, I realise we get invited
out quite a lot, my boyfriend and I.
We get invited to parties where
people go round with a baby.
You know, they've just had a baby.
They're like, "Why don't you hold
our baby? Hold our baby,"
and you can't say,
"Hmm, no, thanks."
People take umbrage at that,
so they go, "Hold the baby,"
and you go, "OK, thank you,"
and then I hold the baby,
and then they turn on me
and they go, "Well, not like that.
"Hold the head. You've got to hold
the head. Think about the neck.
"What about the neck? Hold the head.
Think about the neck."
And I want to say, "Don't give it
to me if it's not finished yet!"
Sure that didn't happen
in the Nativity, did it?
But, um, I do like it.
Sometimes we have people round,
and this time of year,
oh, it's a great time to have people
round, isn't it? Having people round
is basically proving to people
who haven't asked
that you
are somehow better than them.
I mean, it's often that people
have invited you over
to their house in the year, and so
you feel obliged to have them back.
It's how the mafia works.
Anyway, we'll be having a nice time,
people are coming round,
we'll be having a nice time,
peeling potatoes, getting ready,
and then out of nowhere
I'll look at the clock and go,
"Oh, my God, they're going to be
here in ten minutes!
"Ten minutes! We're not ready."
I'll immediately become my mother,
start cleaning the toilet, I'll put
out a new towel, a new soap,
I'll put some stuff down the toilet.
I've been to alpine forests
in France and in Canada.
None of them smell like Toilet Duck.
As soon as I've cleaned the toilet,
though, my boyfriend will go,
"Oh, I was about to use in there."
"I've just cleaned it. No, you
don't, no, you don't."
He's like,
"I'm just going for a wee."
"Well, you can get a bladder
infection
"or you can piss out of the window.
"You're not using that toilet.
It's for guests.
"You can put out snacks."
So he puts out snacks, like olives,
but he doesn't put out a bowl
for the stones in the olives.
What are people supposed to do
with the stones?
What are they going to do?
He's like, "They could just
hold them in their hands."
Hold them in their hands, like
we're some sort of Neanderthals?
I say, "No, you get that ramekin
out of the cupboard
"that I got free with a chocolate
mousse five years ago,
"because that ramekin is finally
having its moment."
He said, "I thought it was
an ashtray." "Shut up!"
Then the doorbell
will suddenly ring,
and you can't answer the door
in an agitated way.
You can't be like, "Yes?!"
So you have to answer it in a polite
way, so you have to go,
"Hello! Nice" I mean, you can't
open the door that way, obviously.
If you did, there'd be no-one there.
But, um
Imagine that, if you had
a front door that opened that way.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Bloody kids again.
So you have to answer the door,
like that, thank you, mime skills.
And open the door like this,
and then, you go, "Hello, welcome" -
and then, they've brought
their kids!
The kids were not discussed.
How dare you bring children
to my house?
I've got no chat for children.
What am I supposed to say to kids?
"Oh, what are we going
to do about inflation?"
They've got nothing!
They come running in,
they're touching all the walls,
then the parents come in.
I mean, they probably
brought beers or something.
Beers? Beers, to my house?
She says, "Oh, he likes them."
Oh, sure, let's just pretend
it's the FA Cup Final, shall we?
We'll all go down to a bus stop
afterwards and punch each other.
Beers! As if I haven't paired
every course
with a different glass of wine.
Then they give me their coats.
I haven't planned for coats!
There's nowhere to put coats,
so I take them in my arms,
and then I think, "Oh,
where am I going to put them?"
So I just sort of walk upstairs,
because I've seen people do that,
and I get to the bedroom, thinking,
"I'll put them on the bed."
Then I think, "Well, they might
have worn their coats on the train.
"And people piss themselves there,
don't they?"
So I just throw them on the floor,
come downstairs.
Our kitchen is open plan.
I don't mean to brag,
Mary Berry, but it is.
LAUGHTER
And the thing is, you think
open plan will be nice -
it's not, because when you've got
people round,
they want to talk
to you when you're cooking.
They wait for the most
stressful moment in the meal.
You've just taken - you know,
I'm just doing a simple meal.
It's a chicken fricassee.
I get the chicken fricassee
out of the oven.
It's boiling hot,
the oven door's open,
I'm trying to close that,
the green beans are boiling over,
and then they'll say, "Oh, what
shall we do about inflation?"
"Shut up! Right, everyone sit down."
No-one moves.
"Everyone sit down.
Everyone sit down!"
Suddenly, I'm the one shouting.
Everyone sits down.
The kids go, "We're bored.
Can we do some colouring in?"
"Yes, you can fill in that Farrow &
Ball
"you just knocked off the hallway
when you came running through!"
Then the parents have to take
them to one side and go,
"Don't you dare, don't you dare show
me up, don't you dare show me up!
"You know what he's like!
"We don't want to be here either!"
LAUGHTER
"Be nice to him, he might give you
something for Christmas."
I mean, when I was a child,
if I'd misbehaved,
my mother would have taken me to
the side
and she would have
slapped me about the legs,
and I would have fucking loved it!
LAUGHTER
Because it was attention.
Now, parents,
they can't do anything.
What can they say?
"Sit on the - you have
to sit on the naughty step."
"Er, I've just had that step done
in a very expensive sisal carpet.
"There's nothing naughty
about that step.
"It's your bloody kids!"
I want to say,
"I know how to discipline children.
"I know how you teach children
a lesson. Come with me."
I sit them down in front
of the television,
and I make them watch The Snowman!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
At one point the husband went,
"Oh, can I use your toilet?"
My boyfriend went,
"No! We're not allowed!"
LAUGHTER
You all right? What's the matter?
Down the front talking, what's
the matter? What's going on?
Is there a problem?
Is there a complaint?
What's the problem?
Stop crying, it's Christmas.
What did she say to you?
Mary Berry, what did she say to you?
Is it Kill the Midwife?
"Is it nearly midnight?"
LAUGHTER
Why is that relevant?
Midnight isn't the key bit.
That's a week later.
This isn't
New Year at the Apollo, is it?
It's Noel - which, to be honest,
I thought was a Noel Coward evening.
Well, thank you to the gays.
What? What's the matter?
Stop crying, it's Christmas.
Is it called Kill The Midwife?
"Is it called Kill The Midwife?"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What sort of
Can you imagine a programme
that's run for about, what,
15 years now, is just about
the systematic murder of midwives?
Midwives? In the NHS?
Can you imagine people like,
"Oh, come on, Grandma, let's come
and watch Kill The Midwife.
"We love that show.
Oh, they go through all the
different decades.
"It's so nostalgic.
"I wonder who they're going
to murder this week."
LAUGHTER
I think we all enjoyed that,
didn't we?
Shouting at somebody who's
actually quite nice.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Anyway, what can you do?
If you don't want to be
at home at Christmas,
if you don't want to be socialising,
you can go on holiday, of course.
My boyfriend and I,
we went on holiday to Tenerife!
Have any of you been?
CHEERING
Oh, we went with easyJet.
Oh, yes.
I haven't got a private plane.
I'm not Adele.
Anyway, I went easyJet,
but we got speedy boarding.
Speedy boarding -
oh, yeah, I'm doing all right.
Speedy boarding. Have any of you
tried it? Speedy boarding.
Have you tried it? Speedy boarding.
Have you tried it? Speedy boarding.
Oh, speedy boarding.
Speedy boarding.
Oh, speedy boarding.
What a fucking con!
You think you're going to be
treated like Princess Margaret
getting on board Concorde.
You get to the airport,
it says, "Go to gate."
I said to my boyfriend,
"Oh, now it'snow I'll show you
a good time."
Right? We go to the gate.
There's not enough seats
for everybody.
Everyone's standing up,
staring at each other.
There's other gays on the flight.
I mean, I don't mind 'em,
but I don't want to travel with 'em!
LAUGHTER
You know God doesn't like us.
That's the flight
He's going to bring down.
Anywaywe have to wait, right?
We have to wait, and then they say,
"We'd like to call forward all our
passengers with speedy boarding."
Then what happens is,
every bastard stands up!
Everybody's lining up, and you
can't go along the line being like,
"Well, have you actually paid
for speedy boarding?
"Are you actually a speedy boarder?
"We've actually paid for
speedy boarding.
"Have you actually paid
for speedy boarding?"
"We've actually paid for it."
I can't do that.
I'm on Bake Off's An Extra Slice.
"Have you paid for speedy boarding?"
And you can't tell the staff,
they don't care!
They're wearing a T-shirt!
Eventually you get sent through to
a corridor,
where you think
you're about to get on the plane.
Oh, no! Then they open a door at
the side of the corridor.
You go clattering down some steps,
get on a bus.
Speedy boarding gets you
on a bus first.
You sit down at the back.
Everybody else without
speedy boarding comes down
and gets on the bus after you.
Bus doors close, bus drives off,
drives up to the plane,
bus doors open, everyone who got on
the bus last without speedy boarding
gets off the bus first,
gets on the plane first.
What a fucking con!
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
So, erHappy Christmas,
is what I meant to say.
So, what we're going to do,
we're going to bring on
our first act. She's amazing.
Are you ready to
welcome her to the stage?
CHEERING
You're going to love her!
Give her all the love
in the world! It's Thanyia Moore!
Hello.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Er, it's nice to be here.
Merry Christmas, guys!
CHEERING
Oh! I love Christmas.
Christmas is like the only time
you can slag off your family
and not be judged, innit?
It's less 12 days of
Christmas for me,
12 days of how much
I hate my brother breathing.
Do you know what I mean?
But that's where we are.
It's nice to be here.
Erm, looking around the audience,
I see lots of white people.
Hi, guys. Not scared of you.
LAUGHTER
How are you doing? I'll tell you
why I'm not scared of you.
When I went to secondary school,
I was the only black girl in
my class, right,
and I remember it like it was
yesterday.
I walked in the room.
I looked around.
Realisedonly one in
the room with lips.
IMITATES EXPLOSION
Weird.
Like an episode of Star Trek.
Very, very weird.
Do you know what I mean?
But I did get
to make lots of friends.
I had a best friend.
Her name was Emily, right?
And Emily was different to
the other white girls
because she was Asian, so
LAUGHTER
No, I'm joking.
Emily was a white girl,
and I loved Emily.
We were really, really close,
and I remember the first weekend
I stayed at Emily's house.
It was my first time staying
at a house of people who, you know,
had good credit.
And, erm
LAUGHTER
..I got there, and it was
everything you can think of.
Proper 2.4, right?
Mum was Irish, Dad was racist.
Do you know what I mean?
All the stuff. Proper stuff.
But imagine, Dad wasn't
the scariest part of my weekend.
Listen, I knew I was in trouble when
her mum said, "Dinner's ready,"
and I couldn't smell nothing.
LAUGHTER
GuysI couldn't even smell
the idea of dinner.
Do you know what I mean?
So, I went to the kitchen
and I was like,
"Sorry, is dinner ready today?"
She said, "Ha-ha, you're so funny.
You should be a comedian."
So, I sat down, cos the way
I've been raised, right,
is when you go to somebody's house,
when they put food in front of you,
you have to eat it.
That's manners, right?
So, I sat down.
She put the food in front of me.
And I'm going to be honest, guys.
I've never had injured
chicken before.
Yeah, cos it was still
bloody bleeding, right?
And after I ate it, this is when the
weird stuff started happening to me.
For a week after that,
I couldn't dance on beat.
Bought a meal deal,
started sending complaint letters.
It was really wild.
Do you know what I mean?
So, it is nice to be here.
I'm happy to be here, actually,
cos earlier this week,
I was a little bit sad,
cos I had a break-up, and, erm
No, it's all right,
I'm not sad it was a break-up.
I'm just sad that it happened
just at Christmas time.
Do you know what I mean?
Who's going to buy that bag
I've been eyeing up?
Also, I'm really upset
that it was amicable.
That's rubbish, innit?
Who brought that up, then?
Someone needs to be
heartbroken in a break-up.
Stop being weird about it.
Look at you nodding.
An amicable break-up
is the equivalent of cleaning your
house before the cleaner arrives.
It's stupid!
LAUGHTER
Also, whilst we're here,
can someone tell me why
I keep attracting sensitive guys?
Honestly, it's the worst.
The last one was so sensitive,
I nicknamed him Cli-toris.
LAUGHTER
Couldn't find him half
the time either.
Yes. Yeah, yeah.
APPLAUSE
The thing is, dating a sensitive man
is like dating a toddler, innit?
You raise your voice just
the tiniest bit, they cry,
they get upset,
and they call their mum.
Fuck off.
LAUGHTER
Speaking of mums,
do we have mums in?
CHEERING
Well done, you got out of the house.
Look at you!
On the mulled wine.
You had your hand up.
It's not Ibiza. Calm down.
Calm down.
I'm not a parent yet,
cos I love my pelvic floor,
but I am an auntie.
Have we got aunties in?
CHEERING
They never talk about us enough.
Cos there's only three things
you've got to do
to be
a really good auntie, right?
You've got to be part-mum,
part-sister,
100% the reason they have alcohol
before they're 18.
That's it. Yeah?
And I'm really close to
my sister's two.
She's got two -
one's five, one's 11.
Really close, cos I've been there
from the beginning, right,
cos I was in the room when she was
having sex, so, you know
LAUGHTER
We're besties. Gang-gang.
Crazy. But as a result, er,
I do a lot of, like, mum-type stuff.
For example, she called me
last week and she was like,
"Tan, I can't wait for
Christmas to be over.
"These kids are killing me.
I'm knackered," right?
And without even thinking about it
I said, "Babe, you wait right there.
"I'm going to go and have
a nap for you right now."
Don't judge her. She's one person.
She can't do it all, right?
But I also do other mum-type stuff.
Like, I do the school run.
I love the school run.
I don't mind going there,
cos you go into the school,
you go and get the kid's jacket.
You know it's your kid's jacket
cos it's got his name on top
of it, isn't it? And then a photo,
just in case you forgot what they
look like from this morning.
Get the kid and you go outside.
What I don't like about
the school run, yeah,
is the ice cream van
that's right outside.
What a disgusting human being,
to be outside the school at 3.30pm,
when people like me
who can't say no exist.
LAUGHTER
And my nephew, five-year-old -
proper con artist, this guy.
Oh, he's a top con artist.
I feel like he's five going on 50.
Do you know what I mean?
Whenever I ask him if
he wants a sweet,
he wants a Werther's Original.
Weirdo.
LAUGHTER
Also, my sister has raised her kids,
right, not to ask for anything.
She's like, "Don't beg.
"Wait until you're offered."
This little con artist has
figured it out.
We get outside the school,
and he looked at me, and he went
LAUGHTER
"Is that an ice cream van?
"It's so hot today, Auntie.
"It's like 100 de Fahrenheit."
"Do you know what cools me down?
Ice cream.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
"Oh, my God, look,
I can touch the van."
Right, that's the routine, yeah?
So now we're in the queue.
Why? Cos I'm Auntie Dickhead, right?
So, we're in the queue.
Then I'm talking to this dickhead
and this dickhead
and we're having a good time,
we're bonding, you know what I mean?
The parents are walking past, like,
"Look at them dickheads".
It's a great time. What I don't
like is, I got to the window,
right, and I got a cone with
ice cream and a flake.
Back in the day, you called it a 99.
Today, it's a 2.47.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Honestly.
I'll tell you what happened to me
last Christmas.
My friends, right, they thought
it would be a good idea
to get me a present.
They came together, and the present
was for me to skydive.
And I just think there's easier ways
of saying you don't like me.
LAUGHTER
They said, "Oh, Tan, because
you're a thrill-seeker,
"we thought you would like it" -
but being a thrill-seeker in
this group of friends
just means
enjoying going to Croydon.
The bar is low.
Do you know what I mean?
It doesn't say skydive.
But because I wanted
to make them feel good,
I went and did the skydive.
When I got there, that's when
I realised where I messed up,
cos I saw the plane.
"The plane."
Cos that plane is older
than all of us combined, OK?
It's the first idea of planes
before planes became planes.
There's no chairs or doors
on this plane,
so the only drawing of this plane
is in a fucking nursery.
I'm doing it tandem, luckily,
attached to another gentleman,
a professional. Right?
We get on it,
and we're sitting down.
He said, "You ready"?
I said, "No", OK?
Now he said, "Did you listen
to the safety briefing"?
They give you a safety briefing.
I didn't listen.
Why? No-one ever does.
No-one listens.
If you go somewhere and you
listen to the safety briefing,
make some noise.
LIGHT CHEERING
See? Stop lying! No, you don't!
We get on the plane.
We're starting to go up.
He says, "Did you listen?"
I said, "Yes".
He said, "So you know when we go up,
we're going to level out.
"When we level out, we're going
to go towards the edge.
"When we get towards the edge,
I'm going to sit in it.
"You're in front.
Put your arms across, legs back,
"and then we're going to go."
I said, "Cool. I can do that."
So, we got up,
and we levelled out
..and we started to go
towards the edge.
Guys
LAUGHTER
..that's when I realised,
cos if he's sitting on the edge,
where the shit am I?
LAUGHTER
I'm just in the front, hanging!
I felt like a pair of tits
in a shit bra!
It was rubbish!
CHEERING
Thank you!
Honestly, I was there,
and I was like, "Mate, hurry up"!
We started rocking,
and then we went.
As we went, it was in that moment
that I really wished I did listen
to the safety briefing,
cos, er, if you didn't know,
when you're free-falling
through the sky,
don't open your mouth.
It's not a good idea.
We started free-falling.
I went to say, "This is fun" -
opened my mouth and I got punched
in the face by the wind.
I've now hit this guy,
and we're dying.
Plot twist, we survived,
but we're dying, OK?
And as we're dying, only
two things come to my mind.
Thing number one -
do my bra and knickers match?
LAUGHTER
Yes, ladies, cos you know
if it doesn't match and I die,
my mum's going to kill me.
Do you know what I mean?
And thing number two -
from this height,
can birds shit in my mouth?
Very stupid thing to think,
I'm very aware,
cos how's the bird going
to shit in my mouth?
Is it going to back into
my mouth and shit?
Also, for someone
who thinks like me,
when you're falling towards
the clouds, don't worry,
you won't hit it like this.
I saw the cloud and I was like,
"Oh, no! OK, just a cloud.
"Don't worry about it."
We get through the cloud,
he pulls the parachute,
we come down. I jump up.
I don't know what to think.
I don't know what to feel.
I've just jumped through the sky
for fun, right?
I get in the car and,
as we get to the end of the road,
that's when I thought to myself,
"Tan
"..that is the whitest shit
you've ever done.
"And I've had injured chicken."
Do you know what I mean?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah, thank you.
Before I go, I just want to touch
upon something
that I've noticed lately, cos things
have changed, now, isn't it? 2023.
It's all a bit different.
I'll tell you why
it's different for me.
I shaved my hair, right,
and as a result,
people who want my phone number,
they approach me differently.
Like, I came out of
the tube station in Brixton.
Do we all know Brixton?
CHEERING
Came out of the tube station,
and this guy came to me
and he was like, "Yoempress.
LAUGHTER
"Empress queen."
He said, "You look like incense.
"Me wan burn you."
"Give me your number now."
Guys, he was white, OK? So
LAUGHTER
I've been Thanyia Moore.
You've been absolutely fantastic.
Bye!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hey, Thanyia Moore!
CHEERING CONTINUES
Brilliant.
Mary Berry, OK?
OK, are you ready for another act?
AUDIENCE CHEERS
OK.
Please give a wonderful warm welcome
to the incredible Lloyd Griffith!
Hey! Merry Christmas, the Apollo!
Hello! You look lovely.
Thanks very much for having me.
My name is Lloyd.
Erm, bloody love Christmas.
Everyone pumped for Christmas?
CHEERING
I'm pumped.
I'm pumped for Christmas,
cos it means I get to go home.
I'm from up north.
I'm from a gorgeous little
idyllic fishing port
on the east coast of England.
You've probably been there on a,
you know,
a romantic little weekend away,
or maybe even a honeymoon.
I'm from Grimsby.
Thank you, sir, yes.
Obviously, I don't live there now.
Do you know what I mean?
I'm not mental.
I live down here now.
I live in London.
I live just down the road
in Battersea, by the River Thames,
cos, er, oi-oi-oi-oi,
someone's doing pretty well.
My landlord.
LAUGHTER
He's doing really well.
He's doing really well,
and once a month,
he absolutely pulls my pants down.
Then two days later,
he collects the rent.
So, what I'm saying is,
he won't let me pay contactless.
So, it is
And it's a busy time, as well,
for me, cos I'm a comedian,
but I've also got another job
as well as comedy.
I am a choirboy.
Genuinely, I'm a choirboy
as well as a comedian,
and so it's very busy.
Do you know what I mean?
Just like carol concerts
all the time, like every week.
And as a result,
do you know what I mean,
I'm just like non-stop singing
carol concerts.
What's your name there, sir,
in the jumper with the eyes?
Frank. Frank? Yeah.
Nice to meet you, Frank.
You all right, Frank?
So, I'll prove to you that
I'm not making this up, Frank.
So, you look like you know your way
around a carol or two.
LAUGHTER
OK.
Is that your wife? No? OK.
Well, let's crack on, then, Frank.
OK.
So, erm, Frank,
I'll sing you a carol.
So, you name any carol, Frank,
and I'll sing it for you.
The Holly And The Ivy? OK, Frank.
It's a bit niche, but I,
er, I think I know it.
I wouldn't say it's level one,
but here we go, Frank.
So, just for Frank,
The Holly And The Ivy.
Are you ready?
AUDIENCE MEMBER WHISTLES
Leave it out.
# The holly and the ivy
# When they are both full grown
CHEERING
# Of all the trees
that are in the wood
# The holly bears the crown
# Oh, the rising of the sun
# And the running of the deer
# The playing of the merry organ
Sweet singing in the choir ♪
CHEERING
Oh, stop it!
Stop it!
CHEERING CONTINUES
Stop it.
Stop it
CHEERING STOPS
You stopped, OK.
LAUGHTER
That is genuinely my job.
Do you know what I mean?
I am, er, a choirboy,
as well as a comedian,
and Christmas, very,
very busy time of year.
I sing a couple of times a week in
various different churches,
chapels, cathedrals, abbeys,
up and down the country.
Then the other busy season is, er,
the other busy season is summer,
cos that's when everyone
gets married, you know?
All my friends are like,
"Oh, Lloyd, we'd love you to sing
at our wedding, if that's OK."
The first three or four
was absolutely fine,
but I've sung at 47 of my friends'
weddings
since I graduated from university,
and not once have I been paid!
They're usually in places like
Monaco, Morocco, Mauritius.
Do you know what I mean?
They're never in Mablethorpe.
They're so expensive, and you have
to go there,
you have to buy them
a present, I can't gig that weekend,
so it's costing me a fortune,
and I'm too much of a coward to say
to my friends, "Do you know what?
"I can't sing at your
weddings any more.
"It's costing me a fortune and I'm
just getting a little bit bored."
So, I mean, this is the perfect
platform for them to learn
that I'm not going to sing
at their weddings ever again.
And if there are any friends
in the crowd tonight, or, you know,
watching at home, thinking,
"No, we'll still ask him,"
then that's absolutely fine.
That is absolutely fine,
but I'll do you a deal, OK?
I'll do this song,
OK, for free, for you.
My little gift for your wedding,
OK? All right?
But the thing is, you don't get to
hear it until the big day, OK?
All right, so the first time
you hear it, OK,
will be on your special day.
And again, as I say, I'll do it
for free, OK, cos I love you.
All right? So, if you want me to
sing at your wedding, that is fine,
but this is the song I'll sing. OK?
JAUNTY INTRO PLAYS
Hey, Frank.
It'll end in divorce! ♪
MUSIC STOPS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That's the song.
Bit of a gamble.
But if you want it, it's yours.
And I'm not singing at your second
or third weddings either, OK?
It's not just a comedian
that I am as well.
I'm also an impressionist,
arguably one of the best
impressionists
doing the comedy circuit
in the 17-stone-plus category
from Grimsby,
from the east of Grimsby,
from two streets in Grimsby.
What I'm going to do now,
I'll do a few impressions for you.
You'll almost definitely get them,
cos I'm not being arrogant
but they're absolutely brilliant,
so when you know what they are,
shout out what they are and
we'll have a bloody good time, OK?
There's a few Christmas ones,
so let's see if you know what these are.
So here we go. Impression number
one.
HE MAKES CLICKING, TEARING NOISE
Sellotape. Absolutely nailed it!
There we go. Thank you very much.
OK, impression number two.
LOWER-PITCHED CLICKING
Parcel tape, yes, yes!
LAUGHTER
AKA, me on Christmas Eve
when I've realised
I haven't got any Sellotape.
There's always one little terrorist
present in the corner, isn't there,
from that uncle or cousin
who doesn't have any Sellotape.
That's me, baby.
OK, so impression number three.
HIGH-PITCHED CLICKING
What?
LAUGHTER
Say that again, madam?
AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS
Gorilla? I'm not sure if
that's a heckle or an answer.
LAUGHTER
It is Gorilla tape, yeah.
It is Gorilla tape, so there you go.
And it's not just tapes that I do,
cos that would be absolutely mental,
wouldn't it?
Would it?
LAUGHTER
I also do other things.
What about this?
HIGH-PITCHED CLICKING
Dolphin, there you go.
Absolutely nailed it.
There we go. Oh, wow.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
When I say it's not just tape
impressions,
I mean, it is, it is just
tape impressions and a dolphin.
So, what we'll do now is,
we'll do tape karaoke.
So, if you name a sticky
adhesive tape,
I'll do an impression of it,
and, er, that should see us through
to the end of the year, actually.
Yeah, the end of the year,
and then we'll sing Auld Lang Syne.
So, a sticky adhesive tape
that we've all heard of.
Don't try and be cocky, like,
"Oh, ticker tape."
Wait a minute!
Like ticker tape, tape worm,
VHS tape, sex tape.
None of those, OK? Sticky adhesive
tape that we've all heard of,
I'll do an impression of it.
One at a time.
Duct tape?
Do you want ten or 15 mil, mate?
LAUGHTER
15, OK. In the trade.
Or a pervert. We'll never know.
Here we go.
Here we go, so, er, 1515 mil
duct tape is
RASPY TEARING AND CLICKING
Ha-ha-ha! There it is. OK.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I would absolutely
..love a girlfriend. OK.
LAUGHTER
We'll have a few more,
then we'll crack on with jokes.
INDISTINCT SHOUTING
What was that, sir?
Double-sided!
Oh, that's a lovely one.
A double-sided one.
So, yeah, double-sided is just
HIGH-PITCHED CLICKING
Oh, bloody hell.
LAUGHTER
And then, it's the pull-back.
OK, here we go.
Stop it!
Few more?
SHOUTING
Insulation. That's a brilliant one.
HE CHUCKLES
Next one?
LAUGHTER
Ha-ha! No, insulation.
Insulation tape.
Actually, not that strong adhesive,
so it's just a
FAINT SQUEAKING
Yeah, they're not all funny.
OK, all right? It's up to you.
LAUGHTER
Genuinely, you've missed out
a few of my favourites.
You've missed out Scotch tape,
which is, um
CLICKING
Get out of the pub!
It's just an aggressive tape.
That's a stereo-tape. Stereo-tape.
Nah, doesn't really work, does it?
This is the last one.
No more requests.
This is for you, sir, if that's OK.
So, here we go.
Er, ahem, you ready? So, here we go.
MIXTURE OF SQUEAKS AND CLICKS
HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAKING
SQUEAKING TAPERS OFF
SQUEAKING STARTS UP AGAIN
FINAL CLICK
Any idea what that was?
That was a dolphin
suffocating on gaffer tape.
So I just mix them all round and
Stop it.
LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.
I'm, erI'm going to leave you
on this.
I, erI've had to start
my New Year's resolutions
a little
bit earlier this year, cos, er,
I got inadvertently fat-shamed
by mistake a few weeks back.
Now, I got this watch for Christmas
last year from my mum.
OK, lovely little watch,
but it stopped working, OK?
Within a year, it stopped working,
so I went to my local Timpson's.
Now, we're all familiar
with Timpson's?
CHEERING
Lovely shop, but not only a lovely
shop, an incredible company.
They have an incredible ethos.
They have a lovely way of looking
after their employees.
They've got this remarkable
scheme
where up to 10% of their employees
are ex-convicts, OK?
So, they take people from prison,
OK,
they give them new life skills
in the hope that they'll go
on a lovely new path,
and I think that's what we need to
be doing in society,
do you know what I mean?
Giving burglars access to keys
LAUGHTER
..and the machinery to cut keys.
What is going on? And it's just
a random shop as well.
I love it because it does everything
that no-one else does.
Do you know what I mean?
What do you do?
"Oh, we do key cutting." I like it.
"Shoe repairs." Yes, please.
"Do you need a trophy
of two pool players doing this?
"Yes, you bloody well do." OK.
I remember the first time
I ever went to a Timpson's, OK?
I needed a duplicate of a key.
I went in there. The bloke was like,
"Might be about a minute or two."
I was like, "No problem."
I was just walking round the shop,
do you know what I mean?
Didn't take long.
Absolutely tiny, aren't they?
I looked in the corner
and I was like, "Oh, my gosh.
"This must be the best key-cutting
shop in the world.
"Look how many trophies they've
got in that cabinet."
It turns out they sell them.
Anyway, so, a few weeks back,
I went to my local branch, OK,
and I took my watch
cos it had stopped working,
and I gave it to a bloke.
Lovely bloke called Geoff
working behind the counter.
He took the watch.
"Oh, it's a lovely watch."
I went,
"Oh, thanks very much, mate."
He goes, "Do you wear it a lot?"
I was like, "Yeah, yeah,
pretty much every day."
He's like, "Great,
and, er, do you wear it for work?"
I was like, "Yeah, I wear it for
work, yeah." He's like, "Yeah.
"And are you busy at the moment,
sir?"
I was like, "Yeah, pretty busy.
Do you know what I mean?
"Day and night doing my jobs."
He was asking me so many questions
about my job and this watch,
it felt like some sort of
HMRC sting.
I was like, "Well, let's just
remember
"which one of us hasn't been to
prison, OK, Geoff? All right?"
I was like, "Is this all relevant?"
He went, "Oh, yeah, see, the thing
is, it is a little bit relevant.
"You see, sir, I'm really sorry,
but this is a
"..this is a kinetic watch and I
can't put a battery in this watch."
I was like, "OK, I don't know
what that means."
He's like, "Oh, right. OK.
So a kinetic watch, it's a
"..it's a self-winding watch, sir,
"so it relies on being on
an active wrist, on an active arm,
"acting as a pendulum
on an active body.
"So if you want this watch to work,
you've just got to get out there
"and just do a few more steps
in your day."
I was like, "Oh, brilliant.
Brilliant. Thanks very much.
"Cheers."
Imagine being told you're so fat,
you'd stopped time, OK?
Because that's what happens.
LAUGHTER
Er, Apollo,
you have been absolutely incredible.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much.
I've been Lloyd Griffith.
Take care.
Merry Christmas. Bless you all.
Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, thank you.
Lloyd Griffith!
Wonderful, wonderful.
Have you all had a lovely
Christmas Noel at the Apollo?
CHEERING
Give it up for all the acts
you saw tonight.
You saw Thanyia Moore
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..you saw Lloyd Griffith.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm Tom Allen.
Happy Christmas, everybody.
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE