Live at The Apollo (2004) s19e02 Episode Script

1
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your host
for tonight, Joel Dommett!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Look at this!
How's it going,
Live At The Apollo?
CHEERING
Oh! That's exciting, innit?
Half of you are going,
"Oh, my God, it's that guy!"
The other half are like,
"I wanted McIntyre!"
That's all right.
It's going to be so fun.
It's an absolute pleasure
to host Live At The Apollo.
What a dream come true!
CHEERING
Dream come true.
It's so exciting.
I'm aware I host too much telly.
I'll give you an idea
of how, basically, I get work.
Bradley Walsh says no
..Romesh is too busy
..Schofield is cancelled
..and then me and Mulhern
fight over it.
That's the vibe.
I pay my mortgage.
It's well exciting.
I did Lorraine the other day and
Yeah, the show. And, um
Obviously.
I'm sure she'd be fantastic,
but the, um
Oh, my God, I loved it!
I hosted it, I hosted Lorraine.
Me, I was Lorraine.
It was mental!
Such a weird thing.
I interviewed Lulu and then I did
a segment about the coil.
I don't know what that is.
I'm very professional.
This is the perfect example.
I had this sort of
quiz show that I do,
called In With A Shout, right?
And basically, the contestants,
they have these TV screens
and things flash up
and all they have to do,
they have to say what they see.
But unfortunately, that's already
a catchphrase on Catchphrase.
So instead I go,
"What do you think it is?"
It's less catchy, but
And there was this guy, he was on
and it was American Things,
that was the category.
And so the Empire State Building
came up, he went,
"Empire State Building!"
And then, um, and then, like,
Statue of Liberty,
he was like, "Statue of Liberty!"
And then a picture
of Abraham Lincoln came up
and he went, "Hitler."
I've never laughed so much
internally in my life.
And this is how unbelievably
professional I am.
I just went, "Ooh, close!"
So good at it.
It's so fun.
I do this show called
The Masked Singer and it's fun.
WHOOPING
Yes! There's a three-year-old in.
It's so fun.
I love it so much.
It's such a If you haven't
seen The Masked Singer,
it's masked singers.
That's literally it.
Obviously, the question
everyone asks me is,
"Do you know who's
in the costumes, Joel?"
And I don't. They don't tell me
as the host at all.
And the problem with this, Apollo,
is when it comes to the reveals,
I don't know everyone in the world.
First series, there was this guy.
I don't know much about politics.
And everyone was like, "Take it off!
Take it off! Take it off!"
The producer says in my ear,
"It's Alan Johnson."
I go, "Oh, my God,
it's Alan Johnson!"
In my head, I'm like,
"Who the fuck is this guy?"
To me, he just looked like a friend
of my dad's.
It can't be Nigel.
That's way too niche.
Second series, there was this guy on
called Morten Harket, right?
WHOOPING
And Yes!
Yeah, he's the lead singer
of this band called A-ha, right?
And I know A-ha! Huge band.
But I don't know the lead singer's
called Morten Harket,
because I'm not a 55-year-old woman.
And
All right, chill out!
And so the problem with this is,
when they say the name
Morten Harket in your ear,
you've got to remember it because
you've got to say it again
at the end with confidence.
I gave one of the worst interviews
I've ever given in my entire career,
because the entire time,
all I could think was,
"It's not Morgan Freeman."
People started watching it.
I was as surprised
as everyone else was.
I absolutely love it.
I love it so much.
But we all thought it was shit
the first time we saw it.
I love it so much.
And people started watching it.
And then, this is great, right?
Businesses started asking me
to do, like, a corporate version
of The Masked Singer
for their business.
And I'd say yes,
because I love money.
And sometimes
I'm not embarrassed to tell you.
Sometimes it's over Zoom.
I just need you to imagine
for a second me on a Zoom call,
there's these people
from their company, just sometimes
in their houses,
sometimes in the office.
And then there's just one guy
in their house dressed head to toe
in a costume, just dancing
and singing away.
Everyone's trying to guess
who it is on the chat function,
even though it says their name
in the bottom left-hand corner.
And then I come in at the end
and I'm like,
"Take it off. Take it off.
Take it
"Oh, it's Anne from Accounts."
And I shut my laptop
and I buy a car.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.
It's so ridiculous.
The other day,
some guy came up to me
This guy came up to me, he was like,
"Oh, hey, I didn't recognise you
without your fancy suits."
I was like, "You did."
He's like, "I love that bit
at the end where everyone shouts
"that phrase thing."
And I was like,
"OK, thank you, man."
And he was like,
"You know, where everyone shouts,
"'Reveal yourself!
Reveal yourself!'"
That's not the phrase!
It's like going up
to Paddy McGuinness and being like,
"No lighty. Dark."
I love I love doing
the corporate gigs, me.
I'm not embarrassed to say
I love it so much.
You know those really niche award
ceremonies that happen countrywide?
I love them so much.
Me and Vernon Kay do them all.
It's so fun, right?
It's likelike, contrast
So, on telly, I was hosting
the National Television Awards.
Absolutely huge.
It's at the O2, it's live on ITV.
You've got Ant and Dec
sat right there,
Ricky Gervais is sat right there.
24 hours later, I was hosting
the Kitchen and Bathroom Awards
in Liverpool.
Yes! I love it! It's so much better!
So much better.
Because at the National Television
Awards, when you give an award
to Ricky Gervais for, like,
Best Comedy or whatever,
he'd just be like, "Thanks, guys.
Cheers. Really appreciate it.
"Thank you. Thank you."
When you give an award to Magnet
for best kitchen over four square
metres, they lose their shit, man.
Champagne, it's like
"Aaaah!
"Fuck you, B&Q!"
That's what they said!
They genuinely said that!
"Two years in a row, dickheads!"
It's so fun. It's so fun.
Last year me, Joel Dommett, me,
last year in London,
I hosted the Asian Wellness Awards.
It was so fun!
Honestly, I had the best time.
Basically, I was giving out awards
to, like, all of the best spas
in Asia, right?
And it was in London.
I don't know why,
but I'll do anything.
Love money.
And, genuinely, we had
the best time.
It was two and a half hours
of me just trying my best.
Imagine me for two and a half hours
just going,
"And the Best Spa in Thailand
goes to
"Gong Bhakta!"
I really can't tell whether
I'm going to be cancelled for that.
If in doubt, go on an island.
It's so Honestly, I love,
I just
I think I love, secretly,
I love a bad gig.
This is what I think.
I really do love it.
I had a gig recently that was
I was so It was real bad.
It was really bad.
I blamed it on the fact I was tired,
and sobefore I drove home,
I had a little nap in my car
and I was woken up -
this is true - by a lady
from the audience
who was knocking on my window,
and when I woke up,
she went, "Oh, my God, thank God!
We thought you'd had
"such a bad gig that
you'd killed yourself."
Just in case you had any idea
of how bad it can get.
I'll tell you, this is a difficult
gig, really difficult gig -
Comic Relief is a difficult gig,
man!
It's difficult!
Obviously, dream come true
as a comedian to host that.
So, like, honestly, it's iconic.
So fun.
But what they don't warn you about,
Apollo,
is the sheer amount of tonal changes
during the show.
It's insane!
And they don't warn you. It's live.
So sometimes when you read something
on the autocue, it's the first time
you've ever read it, right?
But this is what I'll do -
I'll perform for you now
what I did on Comic Relief this
year. Let's see whether you guys
can guess where the tonal change
was supposed to come, OK?
This is what I did.
You can watch it on iPlayer.
That was a sketch by the cast
of Ghosts and Kylie Minogue.
How incredible was that?
Coming up, we've got Dawn French,
and for the first time in 25 years,
the cast of Blackadder
are back together.
But first, human trafficking! Aah
The audience cheered.
They thought it was a band.
It's so ridiculous.
I think it's because I'm stupid,
and this is my problem,
I think I've worked it out.
I realised I wasn't intelligent
in year eight and
Well, I realised when our class was
split into two "random" groups.
Yes, it was the red group
and the blue group in our school.
Everyone in the red group was like,
"We're clearly
the intelligent group."
Everyone in the blue group
was like, "I'm hungry."
What I like about that bit
is when I said two random groups,
half of you laughed
and just, just
If you didn't laugh, you're
in the blue group and it's OK.
It's OK that you know that.
Come on over, man.
I've got sausage rolls.
We have different dreams
at different points in our lives,
and one dream at a certain point
in my life was to be a rapper.
That was a dream at one point.
Yeah. And, um
And so, when I was about 16,
I used to make and record raps,
and I foundbasically, I found
all of these raps on a hard drive
and I thought, you know what?
I'm going to play it at
Live At The Apollo.
So
WHOOPING
Yes. You won't be as excited
when I play it to you.
Trust me.
This is a song by Joel Dommett,
16-year-old Joel Dommett.
It's called Limelight.
And, um
And I'm just
I'm just going to play it,
See how it goes. OK, here we go.
PIANO INTRO
MUSIC PAUSES
It's my mum on the piano.
Penny D on the keys!
Shout out! "Feat. Penny D."
OK, here we go.
I'm about to start rapping.
I don't think you're ready.
OK, here we go.
Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go.
PIANO INTRO RESTARTS
# I don't know how to describe this
This dirty feeling
Of being dismissed ♪
I think that's enough. The, um
I think that's enough.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# I don't know how to
Describe this
This dirty feelin'
Of being dizmizzed. ♪
My voice is deeper then
than it is now.
What's happening?!
Also, very much sound like
I'm from south-east London there.
I am absolutely not that.
I'm from Bristol.
But you gotta change
that shit up, man.
You can't be like
BRISTOL ACCENT: "I don't know
how to describe this.
"This dirty feeling
of being dismissed."
No, nobody wants that rapper.
OK, we're going to just play
some more, OK?
Here we go. OK.
# I feel I've missed the turning
And I can't go back
# But it feels so easy
Just staying on the same track
Smack, crack, twats
And a bowler hat ♪
Smack, crack, twats
and a bowler hat?
What a list!
OK, it gets worse.
OK.
# That's that, this, this
# And Charlotte Church's fat can be
Seen front page in Heat magazine
With Wayne Rooney and Coleen
Applying sun cream ♪
Just talking about Wayne Rooney
and Charlotte Church in my raps.
Just to give you an idea
of the time that it was.
In fact, I should probably say this,
if I'm 39
and Charlotte Church and
Wayne Rooney were sort of relevant
together, I suppose in, like, 2004,
just in case there's any
sort of maths fans
in there doing the maths
of the timeline of it
Basically what I'm trying to say
is I did this when I was 21.
I'm a cool guy.
Right, getting to the chorus
and then we're done. Here we go.
# Five minutes in the limelight
# Until you're caught with
The crap paper job out of sight
# But you'll fight, hang on
To all the fame you got
# But your five minutes is over
Mate, that's your lot
# Look to the future
Look to the future ♪
Oh! It's
Mate, the funniest thing is,
if I did look to the future,
I'd see myself taking the piss out
of the song on Live At The Apollo.
It's funny, innit? Because I think
we can all agree it's not good.
But it's funny because
it's not bad either, is it?
Well, it's funny.
Right, this is my favourite bit
of the song. Here we go.
I put in a bridge,
just because Justin Timberlake says
in his song, "Take it to the
bridge." And then, um
And then this is my favourite bit.
Bear in mind, this song
is called Limelight.
Here we go. Limelight.
# Staff at Tesco's recognise you
And stare as if you're from Mars
# But that's what you get
For wanting limelight
The lime is bitter
But the light is bright. ♪
Fucking hell!
LAUGHTER
Yes!
Yes, please!
Where's my Grammy?
And I completely undermined it
with this.
MUSIC RESTARTS
Safe. ♪
Yes!
APPLAUSE
Unbelievable.
So, that's pretty cool.
Guys, are you ready to get on
with the show?
CHEERING
I'm genuinely excited
to bring on this act.
She's absolutely amazing.
One of my favourite acts
in the entire country right now.
I want you all to go wild.
Welcome to the stage
the incredible Fatiha El-Ghorri!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You all right?
CHEERING
So, my name is Fatiha
and I'm from Hackney.
Do we have any Hackney people in?
CHEERING
Brr-rr-rrap!
You're all getting robbed tonight,
guys.
I need some new hijabs.
So I'm from East London,
and I don't know, man,
I hate South London.
Who's from South?
CHEERING
Shut up!
If ever I get a call, right?
And they go, "Fatiha, we got
a gig in South for you,"
I go, "Sorry, I'm dead."
I do. Because South is crazy.
Have you ever been Peckham?
Yeah, it's mad, bruv. It's mad.
One time I was gigging there, right?
And I was at the station,
I was about to touch my Oyster
to go out the other side,
and this geezer
was on the other side,
and he goes, "Do you want
to buy a cat?"
It was on his shoulder.
I'm telling you, people are mad.
I was once in Streatham, right?
And I see, like, ten people
running down the street.
I thought, let me record it, innit?
Get on the Old Bill's good side,
innit?
Yeah, yeah.
I get in so much trouble.
I'm a menace.
I've been banned from the mosque
three times for fighting.
I was like
You think I'm joking?
They've got a poster with my name -
"Don't allow entry."
I swear to God, I swear.
So I thought, yeah,
let me record these people,
you know, help the police out.
When I took a closer look,
they was running from a fox.
Honestly.
And then I took a closer look,
and the fox had three legs.
Like, boot it, innit? Are you mad?
I've got a theory
about South London, OK?
This is what I think happens.
I think the Government have
a big white van, yeah?
And they drive around
the whole of London, yeah,
and they collect everyone
that's not well
Yeah, right? It's true.
And then they park up
outside Brixton Tube, right?
OK?
And they open the doors
and they go,
"Fly, my pretties! Fly!"
Oh, I'm also North African.
Do we have any North Africans
or Arabs in?
WHOOPING
Yeah.
See? My mum sent them, I knew it.
Yeah. She thinks I'm in the mosque.
Not any more.
No more spies.
But, you know, if they didn't
shout out, right? I would know
they was here, right?
Because if there's another
North African or Arab in the room,
the hairs on my moustache go up.
For real, innit?
For real, yeah?
And then I go up to 'em
and I go,
"Are you North African Arab?"
And they go, "No. My parents
are North African Arab.
"I'm English."
And I'm like, "Oh, is it?
All right, what's your name?"
And they go, "Mohammed Abdul Rashid
bin Salman."
And I'm like, "Sorry, what English
county is that from?"
So another thing about me,
I'm 43 years old, right?
Like, I know, I don't look it,
innit?
I don't look it.
Beige don't age, honey.
That's the thing.
But I act like a dickhead, innit?
I do. Even my mum, she's like,
"Fatiha, you are 43,
but your brain is shit."
All the time. She always
She calls me a donkey all the time,
honestly.
And sometimes we'll be at someone's
house and I'll do something stupid,
and she'll go, "Fatiha!"
and I turn around and she'll go
So, do we have any single people in?
WHOOPING
Everyone's single.
Do you know why?
Because everyone's either hiking
or travelling, innit?
That's why we're all single.
You can't find them, innit?
It's ridiculous. Honestly.
And dating apps are terrible.
Like, if you ask a guy, if you say,
"What are you looking for
in a woman?"
They go, "I'm looking
for a woman that's fiery,
"that's going to put me in my place,
keep me on my toes," right?
And that's all good and well
until you key their car, innit?
Innit? Then they want compensation,
police, restraining order. What?!
What?
And they always say this thing
that does my head in.
They always go,
"My head's scrambled.
My head's scrambled."
Are you a Humpty Dumpty?!
Big-ass man, head scrambled?
Are you an egg, bruv?
What the hell, man?
Fix up, innit!
Do you know, one time I was
on a date with this guy, right?
We had a coffee date and it was
going well and everything, yeah?
And then at the end of the date,
he walked me to the bus stop
to go home.
And then as I was about to get
on the bus, he goes,
"Oh, look, Fatiha, we've had
a good night.
"Do you want to get something
to eat?" Right?
So I turn around to him,
I said, "All right."
He went into his backpack and pulled
out a plastic box with food in it.
Sorry, are we on a school trip?
Do you have a high-vis jacket
in there an' all?
Honestly, like
Anyway, they never found his body,
so
I don't play. I don't play.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Honestly, I told you I'm a menace,
I told you.
And you know these guys
on the dating apps, they'll always
say shit like, "I'm looking
for a girl that don't take herself
"too seriously," right?
What that means is
they ain't got a job.
Innit? They ain't got a job,
and they want you to sit at home
and play PlayStation with them
all day, innit? That's what it is.
You know, one time,
I was dating this guy.
I was dating him for, like,
three months, right?
And then, all of a sudden,
he decided to ghost me, and he
he thought I was stupid, innit?
Do you know what I did?
I called the police
and reported him missing.
I'm telling you, they brought him
back the next day, innit?
Yeah. Who do you think
ironed this dress? Him.
Innit? He's in the basement, bruv,
doing my hijabs.
He is. So
He is.
He'll do yours as well, for a fee.
He's a middleman.
I've been married and divorced
twice, so I know.
And the first time,
when I got divorced the first time,
we went to, like,
the registry office to file
the papers, and the guy tried
to turn on the computer
to start typing it up
and it wouldn't turn on.
So he turned around to me
and he was like,
"Maybe this is a sign."
Yeah, he was an Arab guy
and I knew it.
Why? Moustache.
He was like, "Maybe this is a sign
that you should try again."
And I was like, "Oh, yeah,
maybe this is a sign
"that you should go fuck yourself."
And that's how you get
a divorce quick time,
and you get banned
from the registry office as well.
That's, like, the second place
I've been banned from.
And then the second husband,
he was moaning,
like, nothing that I did was like
his mum.
So the cooking wasn't like
his mum's.
The way I washed the dishes
wasn't like his mum's.
The way I cleaned the bed
wasn't like his mum's.
Nothing was like his mum's, right?
So one day, after sex, I turned
around to him and I said to him,
"Was that like your mum's?"
Um, there's not a lot of people
that do stand-up
that look like me, right?
So when people see me onstage,
they get interested
and they want to chat,
and that's all right.
But some of yous are mental.
All right? For real, yeah?
Honestly, one time I was doing a gig
in Cambridge,
and this woman comes up to me
and she goes to me,
"Can I just say
that you doing stand-up
"makes Muslims seem less scary?"
She goes, "I'm not scared of you."
And I was like,
"Oh, thank you so much."
I goes, "Why don't you come with me?
"I've got something in my BAG
for you."
And one time, I was doing a gig
and I had a baby blue hijab, right?
And this woman comes up after,
she goes,
"Oh, my God, I love your hijab.
You look like the Virgin Mary."
SHE MOUTHS
So, I've got five brothers
and seven sisters, right?
I know, it's a big family.
Like, my mum, she only works
from here to here now.
Like, that's it. Honestly.
The rest is like dead end, innit?
Dead end.
So my family know
that I do stand-up,
but I've had to block them
on social media and stuff
because they're a menace, all right?
One time I was at a gig
and my sister turned up,
and I'm in the middle of the set
and she starts going, "Fatiha!
"It's your sister, Fatiha.
"Look at me, Fatiha.
"Very funny, Fatiha.
Ha-ha-ha!"
I called security.
I did. I did. I called security
and I said to them,
"You see that woman in
the long skirt and the hijab, yeah?
"She's been trying to sell me roses
from the station."
Innit?
And my other sister,
she's a bitch as well, yeah?
Like, honestly.
She does some dumb shit.
Like, we've got a family
WhatsApp group, innit, right?
And then she messaged me
and she goes, "Where are you?"
And I said, "I'm doing
tour support."
And then autocorrect changed it
to "Tory support".
She told my mum,
my mum's ringing me going,
"Oh, you're working with Boris
now, huh?"
He's not even in power, man.
What's wrong with you?
But my older sister is the worst
out of all of them.
So, like, in our culture, we eat
from the same plate, right?
But you have to eat from your side,
yeah?
Like, Jamie Oliver went
and he did a documentary in Morocco,
and he started eating all over
the plate, and he got banged up.
Right? Because we don't have
that shit, OK?
So my sister will do that.
We'll be eating and she'll be eating
all over the place.
I'm like, "This ain't
a merry-go-round!
"What the hell are you doing?"
And she's like,
"Oh, Fatiha, I got ADHD."
I'm like, "Oh, yeah,
you misspelt it.
"It's C-U-N-T."
I think we're all mental, yeah?
Like, my family, that is.
Because my mum's mental, OK?
Like, sometimes I'll get 100
missed calls after a gig
and I'm like, "Oh, my God,
something's wrong.
"What's happened?"
I'll call her back.
She'll be like, "Um, Fatiha.
"You know in 1992,
we had an orange cup?
"Where is?"
If we're trying to do, like,
arrange a family dinner
or something like that, and I can't
make it because I'll be gigging,
right? And she'll go in the
WhatsApp group and she'll go,
"Uh, we cannot do it because
Fatiha is doing the laughing."
I'm like, "The laughing
brought you a sofa, bruv.
"All right? Don't start giving it."
Do you remember the show
Supermarket Sweep? With Dale Winton?
Yeah? And you know Rylan does
the new one, right?
So my mum started watching
the new one and she rang me
and she goes, "Fatiha, you know,
this Dale Winton,
"he never grow old."
And she's so paranoid as well.
Like, we took her to
the photographer
to get her photo done
for her passport.
And when he was taking the photo,
she started screwing her face up.
And I'm like, "What are you doing?
You look mental.
"They're going to call the police."
And she's like, "No, no, Fatiha.
"I make my face look crazy
so they cannot use
"my picture in porn."
SHE MOUTHS
I'm telling you, she's mental.
OK, listen, my time is up.
I'm on a curfew.
I've got to bounce.
Um
But listen, before I go,
I've been Fatiha El-Ghorri,
and you guys have been
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Fatiha El-Ghorri, everybody!
Guys, are you ready for your final
act of the evening?
CHEERING
You're going to absolutely
love this guy.
He's really funny.
Please welcome to the stage
Jamie MacDonald!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I just asked that guy to take me
to the toilet.
What the hell is this?
Hey, good evening, Apollo!
CHEERING
Ooh! Yeah.
I'm Jamie.
And in these times of, like,
total transparency,
I've got to start with
a quick confession.
Not always been blind.
I hope you're not disappointed.
I mean, to be fair, if you are,
that is fucking harsh.
No, I've got
a degenerative condition
that means once I could see,
but now I'm blind.
The direct opposite
of that lucky wee shite
from the Amazing Grace tune.
Fuckin' good hymn knowledge,
Apollo.
No, but I am a happy blind guy.
And that freaks a lot
of people out.
They think my eyes should have
made me more miserable
than they have.
And by not doing so, I can't be
wired up to my emotions correctly.
Basically calling me a psycho.
But even if that is the case,
Apollo, you've not got much to fear
from a blind psycho.
"Hello, Clarice."
"I'm not Clarice, mate."
"Oh, sorry."
No, I am, I'm a happy blind guy
doing normal stuff.
Now I'm married.
I love my wife. She's brilliant.
But
..I assumed that wives
would use their husbands
to try sexual fantasies an' that.
And you're right to laugh, yeah.
Do you know what mine uses me for?
To skip queues with.
She's terrible for it -
no matter how small a queue is,
if we come up against one,
she'll thrust me and my white stick
at it like a police badge
at a murder scene.
And we flew to London,
and she used me to try and skip
the ultimate queue.
Airport security.
Nobody likes being skipped
in that queue!
That queue brings bad qualities out
in good people.
All sympathy for thy fellow man?
Out the bloody window.
Cos this was Glasgow Airport,
and this queue
was about 300 miles long.
I was being paraded past it,
having to pretend I wasn't hearing
the snide wee comments
coming from within.
"Oh, aye? Where the fuck's
he going?"
"Aye, he's disabled,
but is he disabled enough
"..to be skipping such
a horrible queue?"
So I started ramping up
the disability.
I'd go, "Thanks, everybody.
Thanks very much.
"That's a really big help."
That's my wee disabled voice, eh?
One woman was having none of it.
"Ho! How does he get to skip
the queue?"
My wife thrusts me up.
"Because he's blind."
It's a very dramatic scene.
And she said, "Aye.
"But that doesn't make him shite
at queuing, does it?"
"Quick, darling,
we've been rumbled!"
And we got to the gate
and it was mobbed as well.
And in these situations,
I get to sit in those
little gimp seats.
Hand the lady the ticket
for the plane, right?
And we get sat down
next to this old wheelie.
And it was like
I should explain, um, sorry.
Wheelie is a term
for wheelchair user.
I am a blinky.
You guys are the normals.
It's, eh, it's blue badge banter.
Our words for each other.
You can't use them.
We get sat down next to this
old wheelie.
And it was a shame.
He'd never flown before,
and he was terrified.
And I tried to comfort him
by rolling out
that classic statistic.
I said, "Mate, you're going
to be fine on this flight
"because statistically,
you're more likely to be
"knocked down crossing the road
"..than you ever are
to be in an air accident."
And he did, he grabbed my wrist,
said, "Why do you think I'm in
this wheelchair, you daft prick?"
What are the odds?
But my wife and I,
we are getting on great.
And we were even thinking
about getting a pet.
But it's not happening.
And it's because she wants
one of those, um
kunekune micro pigs.
No chance.
Absolutely not, right?
I know for a fact if I'm ever out
with it on my own,
there'll be people walking past
thinking,
"Oh, that poor bastard
doesn't know
"he's walking a pig."
But I amI am actually very lucky,
because just now, it is an excellent
time to be disabled.
I mean, obviously,
if you get the chance
Pretty much fully accepted
into society.
The Paralympics have proved
that we can compete.
CHEERING
Yeah! Yeah.
And Paralympian Oscar Pistorius
has proved that we can kill.
Hey, we're fast, we're bloodthirsty.
We're all right!
And the ultimate compliment -
you've all started listening
to audiobooks.
Which, if I'm honest with you,
I don't really get.
I mean, what is it, like?
You don't want to be blind.
You just like the life.
A perfectly good set of eyes,
but you want Ant and Dec
to read you Watership Down?
And there's even great efforts
being made just now
to save us from ourselves.
Like now, it is a legal requirement,
right, for the bleach industry
to write the word "bleach"
on their bottles in Braille.
I just don't want to meet the blind
moron whose actions led to that law.
"Ohh! That juice you keep
in the toilet's horrible!"
I think often a lot of people
don't realise
there's an actual person
behind somebody's disability.
And I experienced this, right,
first-hand when I got lost
in a park in Glasgow.
I came off the path.
I was in the bushes.
Looking like a, like a
proper creepy weirdo.
And I heard this guy aggressively
running over to me,
shouting, "Oi, you!"
And I turned to face him
and he stopped dead in his tracks
and went, "Oh, sorry, pal,
didn't see the stick, eh?
"Thought you were a pest.
"You do know that's a pig, aye?"
"Yes."
People only see my disability.
I should see how much
I can get away with.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, how much of
a blind wrong'un can I be?
Just go into a supermarket,
blatantly shoplift a coat.
Get busted trying to leave through
the plate glass window - again.
Security guard -
"Excuse me, sir. Is that your coat?"
"Yes. Do you mind taking
the security tag off it?"
"Certainly, sir.
Can I just see your receipt?"
Big innocent face.
Hand him a blank bit of bog roll.
I bet he's not got the heart
to say anything
apart from, "That's fine.
Have a nice day."
But I still maintain, no, it is
it is an excellent time
to be disabled.
In fact, now, in some areas,
right, too good.
To the point, I'd like to finish
this evening by asking
you lovely people of the Apollo
a favour.
Could you please stop modifying
sport so I can take part?
It's now getting harder and harder
to moan about being excluded
..when I am always being made
to feel so very welcome.
Not everything has to be accessible.
Now there's a message.
Being blind is a brilliant reason
not to have to do something.
Because this guy, this guy asked me
if I wanted to take part
in a game of football.
You cheeky bastard!
Oh, I'm going to guilt trip you,
my friend.
"I'd love to take part in a game
of football, yes,
"but I just don't think
the blind man's that welcome
"on the hallowed turf."
Not realising blind football
is an established sport.
What sick prick
..came up with that?
22 blind lads running like fuck
at each other.
They're trying to kick a ball
with a bell in it.
Guys, that's not accessible.
That's a blood sport.
And who goes to see it?
But I did. I did.
I played my part.
I took part in one game.
Yeah, they put me in goals.
But I learned one thing.
In flight, a ball with a bell in it
is silent.
Thank you all very much, Apollo.
I've been Jamie.
Thank you. Goodnight. Cheers!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Jamie MacDonald!
Such a pleasure.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wonderful stuff.
It's been an absolute dream
come true to host this show.
Thank you so much for coming along.
I hope you've enjoyed it.
Give it up for the two acts you saw.
You saw Fatiha El-Ghorri!
CHEERING
And you saw Jamie MacDonald!
CHEERING
I've been Joel Dommett, have
a lovely evening, get home safe.
Thank you so much. Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE