Living Biblically (2018) s01e05 Episode Script

Honor Thy Father

My name is Chip.
Life's been knocking me on my butt lately.
My best friend died out of nowhere.
Oh, I'm really gonna miss you, Ray.
- And my wife, well - Your girl's pregnant.
I hadn't opened a Bible in 20 years, but it's helped so many, and I needed help.
I've decided to live my life 100% by the Bible.
- To the letter.
- (LAUGHS) I get that reaction a lot.
But with the help of my God Squad, I'm becoming a better man, one verse at a time.
I am living biblically.
Okay, round seven of my new favorite game: "Bible Laws: Real or Fake?" (CHUCKLES) So far, Gene and Gil are in the lead.
And Vince is in last place because his answer to every question is: "I hate this game.
I don't want to play.
" When you asked me to come to the bar to watch the game, I didn't think you meant this game.
Hey.
What are you doing? Those are for the winners.
We're playing Bible games in a bar.
There are no winners here.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Real or fake? "A man may not enter into the congregation of the Lord if his berries huh are crushed and his twig uh-oh is cut off.
" I know this, I know this.
Uh, ding! Uh, real law.
Deuteronomy, chapter 23, verse 2.
Weird, but real! (LAUGHS) It's a wild book! All right, point for Gene; take a shot.
All right, so now we only have two shots left, which means only two questions remain.
Thank God.
First one is, oh, an eight-parter.
Game over.
Well, I guess that means I win.
Don't mean to brag, Gil, but you suck and I'm the best.
You're lucky we're not playing a game of "Who Has Hair?" - All right, guys.
- Oh, uh, Chip, before you go, every year, the church hosts a group of high schoolers from the Big Brother program - to talk to them about faith.
- Mm-hmm.
How would you feel about being our guest speaker? Wow.
(LAUGHS) Geez.
I mean Wow, man.
That's Chip for yes.
I'm gonna go throw up.
Gene really thinks I'm gonna be able to make a difference with these kids.
Like, the vibe I'm getting is-is that I'd be teaching them, but in some weird way, they'd also be teaching me.
This isn't gonna be one of those things where you rap the Bible, is it? Well, not now.
(PHONE RINGS) It's my dad.
Hey, Dad.
Oh, you're coming to town on business, huh? Oh, but you're staying at a hotel? Ah.
- You'd like to swing by? - No (MOUTHING) (BOTH MOUTHING) (MUTTERING) Okay.
Dad, yeah, sure.
Go ahead, swing by.
All right.
See you then.
He's downstairs.
What business does a meat wholesaler from Texas have in New York? I don't know, but if you want to take the fire escape, I will help you.
Chip, I can handle him.
I just hate what he does to you.
You turn into a giant stress ball when he's here.
I do not.
(BREATHES DEEPLY) Please tell me that your mom is with him.
She at least keeps him in check.
She didn't come.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
I'm the buffer? I don't want to buff! (DOORBELL RINGS) There's the pretty lady! And his wife, too.
(LAUGHS) Dad, could you please not smoke that? You know Leslie's pregnant.
Oh, right.
I meant to say happy baby or whatever.
Yeah.
Yeah, we got your "thumbs up" text.
Could you please just put the cigar out? Oh, this generation and their "no smoking around pregnant people.
" I used to smoke around your mom the whole time she was pregnant, and you turned out just Well, maybe it is a good rule.
Hey, can you believe I'm gonna be a grandpa? (LAUGHS): I try not to think about it.
I don't know how I'm gonna deal with my dad in town for three days.
I am a grown man, and he gave me a wedgie last night.
I mean, the man is egotistical, he is selfish He named you "Chip.
" Gil, the man came to us for help, and Chip is just a nickname.
No, it's not.
It's my actual name.
Oh, boy.
Well, I hate to say it, but the Bible's so clear on dads it's literally etched in stone.
You got to "honor thy father".
Ugh.
Well, I know what I'd do.
But sadly the Bible has no Gospel of Vince.
Because my chapter 1, verse 1 would be: "If your father's a turd, kick him to the curb.
" (CHUCKLES) See, this is a gospel I can get behind.
What would, uh, verse 2 be? "If he won't go home, punch him in the dome.
" (LAUGHTER) Does your whole gospel rhyme? Only did two.
But thus far, it do.
Might I, uh, try one? Yeah? (CLEARS THROAT) Okay.
"Uh, I'm starting a Gospel of Gil, that also rhymes, uh as well.
" It's close.
Come back to me.
Look, there's got to be some kind of loophole to "honor thy father.
" I mean, what are you supposed to do if your dad's a jerk? You honor him.
But honoring someone doesn't mean you have to be best friends or even respect them.
There's some good in everyone, Chip.
Maybe spend some time with him and you'll find it.
There's got to be something that you used to do with your dad that was fun.
Well, he used to take me bowling.
I guess that was fun.
I got it.
"If your dad is bad and it makes you so mad" Uh Well, it's 'cause you're looking at me.
I'll get it.
Hey.
Why aren't you at work? I am.
I'm on call this week.
Sir, just relax.
No one has ever died from being too stoned.
I promise, you're alive, sir.
Because I'm talking to you.
Well, guess what.
I found the perfect way to honor my father.
You bought him a plane ticket home? (LAUGHS) No, I'm gonna take him bowling.
- Oh.
- You know? Be nice.
Get a little father-son time together, right? And I left myself plenty of time to work on my speech before he gets here.
(RHYTHMIC KNOCK ON DOOR) Unless he shows up four hours early 'cause he's on "Ron Time!" (SIGHS) (SIGHS) Please, God, give me the strength to honor my father.
Amen.
Also, will you please change who he is fundamentally as a person? Thanks so much.
Panty police! You're under arrest.
Ah.
It's funnier without the real guns.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, they wouldn't let me bring them on the plane.
What are you doing here so early? Ah, you know, I'm on "Ron Time.
" (FORCED CHUCKLE) Yeah, I thought you said you had meat meetings today.
Normally I do.
You know the old expression, "meat never sleeps.
" Never heard that one before.
(CHUCKLES) I canceled them all just to have a little QT with my boy.
Oh.
Well, that's nice, but I told you I got to spend some time on that speech for the Big Brother kids.
Don't mind me.
I'll just quietly read the paper - till you're done.
- Oh.
Well, great.
I, uh - appreciate you respecting my needs.
- Mm-hmm.
(SIGHS) Oh, wow.
Wow.
Just hand the jobs to China.
Not like we need them.
Meanwhile, us Baby Boomers end up living off dog food.
All right, you know what? I'm gonna go work on this in my room, okay? (PHONE RINGING) Y'ello.
Yes, this is the doctor's phone.
What's the issue? Oh, I-I don't do lady parts.
Well, I do them, but That's my work phone! Hello? I'm so sorry.
Dad! All right, you know what? Forget the speech.
Let's get out of here.
Come on.
This will be good, you know? We haven't had father-son time together since that Bob Seger concert.
Oh, boy! I was running against the wind that night, wasn't I? (LAUGHS): Yeah, you sure were.
Yes, I had to drive us home, as I recall.
Yeah, you accidentally took us through a golf course, too.
You never were a good driver.
(FORCED LAUGH) I was 12.
- (BOWLING PINS CLATTER) - Ah.
Well, thanks for coming, buddy.
I need all the help I can get honoring my father.
Nah, you got it.
- He is a character.
- (CHUCKLES) Very weird how he stole that kid's birthday cake.
I don't know why that kid was crying; this cake sucks.
Let me help you out with your big speech, Chip.
As a meat wholesaler, I've given a few speeches over my career.
They were rare, but always well done.
Little meat humor for you.
- (BOWLING PINS CLATTER) - Ooh! Strike! We're not clapping for strikes? Man, y'all are mean.
Listen.
I find every good speech has personal stories in it.
Relate to them.
Why don't you do something like that "Love Thy Neighbor" column you wrote? You read my column? - (BOWLING PINS CLATTER) - Oh! Strike two! Nothing? I clapped for you when you rolled a six.
Too late, Chip.
I need another drink.
It's got to be "Ron o'clock" somewhere.
Hey.
I can't believe he's actually trying to help me with my speech.
I mean, the man has never helped me with anything.
I didn't learn how to tie my shoes till I was 13.
I feel like that one's on you, Chip.
I don't know, he bought me six rum and Cokes.
And he won me this stuffed koala from the claw machine.
First try.
Maybe you don't have to look so hard to find some good in him.
There she is! Why don't you put those puppies right over here on the table.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, the drinks, too.
(CHUCKLES) Dad, come on, man.
What the hell are you doing? I don't think Mom would appreciate that.
(SIGHS) All right.
So, I'm not here on business.
This may come as a shock, but there's no such thing as meat meetings.
Yeah, that didn't sound real to me.
I was waiting for the right time to tell you this, Chip, and since this waitress seems to want to hop on the Ron Train, it's the right time.
Your mother and I are getting divorced.
Whoa! Well, just got off the phone with Mom.
Turns out I'm far angrier than she is.
She said the divorce is a relief.
Then she proceeded to tell me the longest story in history about her neighbor's rabbit.
Well, what's the CliffsNotes version? Her neighbor has a rabbit.
(SIGHS) Can't believe this.
I got to go to two Christmases now.
I'm gonna have to meet some new stepmom named Dakota who kisses me on the lips.
Dakota better not.
Right when I thought my dad and I were making progress, you know, he goes and drops this divorce news on me.
How am I gonna give this speech to these kids about my quest to live by the Bible when I can't even honor my own father? (SIGHS) Maybe I should just call Gene and cancel.
Tell him his keynote speaker is more like his keynote loser.
Chip, except for what you just said, you're an incredible writer.
You have a lot of wisdom to share.
You're right.
I'm gonna be a good talker person.
You should really get working on that speech.
You going over your speech? Yeah.
Here.
I was up all night.
"Hi, kids, I'm Chip.
" And then on the back, you've drawn, like, a hundred smiley faces.
Oh, no, that's upside down.
They're sad faces.
I am so screwed.
Heads up, Chip.
Your dad's here.
He's at your nine o'clock.
I'm sorry, your three o'clock.
That's my nine o'clock.
Actually, he's at our six o'clock.
He's walking here right now.
Oh, he's here.
I'm talking to him right now.
- Hi, Ron.
How are you? - Hi.
Didn't want to miss the speech I helped you write.
I thought you were with, uh, what's-her-name.
I have no idea what her name is.
I put her in my phone as "Boobs," 'cause Well, you saw 'em.
Do you feel any shame at all? I'm not sure I understand what you're insinuating.
Let me spell it out for you.
Do you feel any shame at all for the type of father that you are? Do I feel shame for providing you with 18 years of food, shelter and guidance? (CHUCKLES) No.
Guidance? That's how you see it? You were never even there.
And even when you were there, you were never there.
You sure as hell weren't gonna get any morals from me, so I figured I'd let the church do it.
Hell, I had you when I was 19.
Did the best I could.
That was your best? Wow.
You know, most dads don't teach their kids how to ride a bike by tying the handlebars to the back of a car and then driving it around the neighborhood.
Yet you learned real fast, didn't you? Look, if you don't like what I did, fine.
Do something different.
(CLEARS THROAT) Uh, it is my pleasure to bring up one of my favorite peeps.
He's, uh, he's extreme.
Huh? Pretty dope, right, guys? Now I came here in person, which I didn't have to do, to tell you about your mother and me.
I told you, so I guess that's it.
Yep, I guess so.
He's the only cat I know trying to live his life 100% according to the Bible.
He's, uh, very fresh and very, uh, Gangnam Style, I think - All right.
Okay.
- Uh, Mr.
Chip Curry.
Chip Curry.
Thank you.
Um (PAPER RUSTLING) (SIGHS): Oh, boy.
Yes.
A question.
Thank you.
Um, Father Gene said you threw a rock at a guy.
So I guess my question is: Did you really throw a rock at a guy? (CHUCKLES) I did, yes.
That's so cool! (LAUGHS) Thanks.
Um Well, Father Gene asked me to come here today to talk to you guys about living by the Bible.
I'll tell you, the Bible's got a lot of crazy rules in it, like, did you guys know that you're supposed to blow a ram's horn to celebrate a new moon? That rule is cray-cray, right? Right, fellas? (TALKING QUIETLY) He's right, though.
It's like, where am I gonna find a ram's horn? Uh, but really, it's-it's the more simple rules that are actually the hardest to live by.
Like "honor thy father.
" I don't have the best relationship with my dad.
I imagine that's probably the case for some of you guys.
My dad sucks.
I hear you.
(CHUCKLES) But the Bible actually says that we got to honor them.
Right? So, what do you do if your dad's a jerk? When all you really want to do is get mad and scream in his face.
But what you should say is "I forgive you.
" Because when we forgive someone, whether they deserve it or not, we open up ourselves to healing.
And, uh then you can really honor them by not making the same mistakes that they made.
That's beautiful.
Shh! I've said one thing.
You've been talking the whole time.
Now, I know that living by the Bible doesn't sound particularly cool.
But, look, just use it as a general guide, okay? And take it from me, it can change your life.
Well, that's, uh, (CHUCKLES) that's all I got.
All right.
Thanks.
Yes? How big was the rock? (CHUCKLES) It was, it was big.
I mean, it was like (EXHALES SHARPLY) You know? Don't throw rocks.
- That was so awesome.
- (CHUCKLES) I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.
Oh, I love you.
You gave a wonderful speech.
Oh, thanks.
More importantly, you found a way to honor your father.
GIL: Oh, here he comes again.
Three o'clock.
Sorry, uh, nine o'clock.
Uh (STUTTERS) R-Ronnie! So, you called your old man a jerk.
Oh, it's confession time.
(GIL, GENE AND LESLIE MUMBLING) Look, Dad Eh, I'm surprised you took it so easy on me.
Look, I know I've been a bit of a screwup over the years, but, hey, like you said, if I wasn't, you wouldn't be half as great a dad as I know you're gonna be, so you're welcome.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES) Thanks.
So are we good? Not yet.
But we're better.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) I'll take it.
All right.
Ron out.
(BLOWING HORN LOUDLY) (BLOWING HORN LOUDLY) Are you celebrating the new moon or your dad being gone? Moon.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, crazy thought: you know, I'm actually kind of glad the old man came.
Think I might have found that little bit of good in him that Gene was talking about.
Crazier thought: - maybe you're making him a better man.
- Eh (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Go ahead.
It burns when you urinate? Okay.
Don't be alarmed; it's scary but very treatable.
Just get yourself to a clinic ASAP.
It's your dad.